A Theater, "Freud". the gang is in the audience watching for a play of Joey's to start.
Rachel(reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
ChandlerYou can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...
Ross(pulls a notice out of the program) Look, the role of "man number 3 will not be played by Vic Shapiro." Well, we came on the wrong night.
MonicaI can't believe I forgot to bring a magazine.
RachelCome on you guys, this might be good.
PhoebeI don't know The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) You know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud! (The lights dims.)
RossOh, shh-shh-shh. Magic is about to happen. (The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)
JoeyVell, Eva, we've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear.
(He goes into a song and dance number) All you want is a tinkle, what you envy's a schwang, a thing through which you can tinkle, or play with, or simply let hang...
The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding. As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.
RachelGod. I feel violated.
MonicaDid anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?
Chandler(staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.
RossIs it? Feels like two.
Chandler(sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!
ChandlerOh, she's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
MonicaGo over to her! She's not with anyone.
ChandlerOh, yeah, right. And what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'
RachelOh, come on. She's a person, you can do it!
ChandlerOh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.
RossHe could never get a woman like that in a million years.
ChandlerThank you, buddy.
PhoebeOh, oh, but you know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.
MonicaYou could do that!
ChandlerOh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue.
RossCome on! Come on!
ChandlerHere goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)
RossStand back everyone, incoming ego shrapnel.
ChandlerAll right, I can do this. (Walks over and stares at Aurora)
ChandlerHi.... um... ok, next word... would be... uh Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.
AuroraYes, you said that.
ChandlerYes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thank you, good night. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)
AuroraChandler? (Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all talk at once.)
AllHey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
JoeyWhat'd you think? (Pause)
All... You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
JoeyCome on, you guys, it wasn't that bad. I was the lead. It was better than that thing I did with the Trolls, at least you got to see my head.
All(admitting) You're right. Saw your head. Saw your head.
JoeyHey, hey about that German (speaking with the accent) accent?
RachelOh ya ya, all of your w's were v's.
Chandler(running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)
RachelWhat is it?
JoeyEstelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!
PhoebeBased on THIS play? (They all look at her) Based on this PLAY! (Sense the tone. ↗accent, stress)
JoeyLook-look it's a note on the back! (reads it) "Loved your work, call me a sap." (which is actually supposed to read ASAP: As Soon As Possible) She was obviously very moved.
RossAnd you should probably call her very fairly quickly.
JoeyYa, as soon as possible!
The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency Office. Joey knocks on the door.
JoeyHi, um- I'm here to see (reading the card) Estelle Leonard.
EstelleJust a moment let me see if she's in. (she turns her back to Joey and then turns right back around). Hello.
JoeyYou're Estelle Leonard?
EstelleI know, I know you weren't expecting some one so fantastically beautiful. (pops open a cup with circle rack of cigarettes, and takes one.) So, love lump. Take a load off already darling. Sit! Sit over it.
Joey(sits) Miss Leonard I can't tell you how excited I am just to even be here.
JoeyLook, what I meant...
Estelle(interrupts) You don't mind if I eat while we talk, do you?
Estelle(she takes a bite of her sandwich and takes another smoke) So... Joey, sweetheart let me ask you a question. Did you ever see the movie Sleepless In Seattle?
JoeyYeah! Wow! Do you represent those actors?
EstelleNo! But you know at the end of the movie the part where they're all so happy with each other? That's gonna be you and me.
JoeyWow, you mean, you wanna sign me?
EstelleNo I wanna go up on top of the Empire State Building and make out! Of course, I wanna sign you!
JoeyOh Miss Leonard... (gets up to shake her hand but knocks over her pencil holder. He tries to pick it up but ends up spilling her drink.)
EstelleOh boy! Ride 'em cowboy! (a call from the audience at a Rodeo to encourage the rider [Wiki])
JoeyI'm sorry. (wipes up)
Central Perk, Everybody is there (except Chandler and Rachel) looking at one of those Magic Eye 3D Books along with Ross.
Ross(frustrated) I don't see it! I don't see it!
JoeyTry to look past the book.
MonicaYeah you just have to un-focus your eyes.
Ross(frustrated) Who's focusing? There's nothing to focus on!
Phoebe(takes the book) Oh the Statue of Liberty!
Everybody (except Ross)Oh right!
Ross(grabs back the book) Where's the Statue of Liberty?! Where?!
PhoebeRight there! (points to it) God, I can't not see it now.
Chandler(enters) Hey, kids.
Ross(shows Chandler the book) Chandler, come here. Uh, do you see anything right here?
ChandlerYeah, looks like a boat.
RossA boat! Ha!
ChandlerYeah, right there in front of the Statue of Liberty. (Ross drops the book and gives up, while Monica and Phoebe put the book away) (sits down) Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.
AllOh, yeah, right, right.
MonicaHow was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?
ChandlerIt was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...
(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk)
Aurora...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I-I ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.
ChandlerAlright. Once, once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
ChandlerWe talked till like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less.
Aurora...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yemen.
ChandlerOh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?
Aurora'We' would be me and Rick.
ChandlerOh, so-so you're divorced?
ChandlerOh, I'm-I'm sorry, so you're widowed? ...Hopefully?
AuroraNo, I'm still married.
ChandlerSo uh tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me? ...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?
AuroraDon't worry. I imagine he'd be ok with you because really, he's ok with Ethan.
ChandlerEthan? There's, there's an Ethan?
AuroraMmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.
ChandlerSo explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?
AuroraI suppose mainly sexual.
MonicaOh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
ChandlerWhat 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?
MonicaDidn't YOU listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this?
ChandlerWell, you know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!
PhoebeOh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?
RossNo, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.
MonicaSo you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
JoeyI couldn't do it.
MonicaGood for you, Joey.
JoeyWhen I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.
PhoebeYou know, one time I went out with a guy who had just gotten divorced. And it was really hard. His kids liked me better than him.
MonicaPhoebe, what's this have to do with Chandler’s thing?
PhoebeNo, nothing. But I didn’t have anything on that topic. (small pause) So I went another way.
RossWell, you know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking-
(They all pretend to fall asleep.)
RossFine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.
MonicaWe're kidding. Go.
AllCome on! Ross. We wanna know.
RossAlright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-
(They all fall asleep again.)
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as everyone except Joey enter.
ChandlerAre we greeting each other this way now? Because I like that.
RachelLook! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.
RossOh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.
RachelWell, what dou ya think?
AllVery clean! It looks great! Terrific!
Monica...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.
MonicaHow-how did that happen?
RachelI don't know. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.
MonicaYeah, it's-it's interesting.. but you know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Huh! Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
Phoebe(to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
ChandlerThank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.
MonicaYou guys, I am not that bad!
PhoebeYeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, you know, Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
MonicaThat is so unfair!
RossOh come on! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!
MonicaOk, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.
RossAlright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
RossBecause you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.
MonicaI could do that.
RachelOk, oaky, then, uh, you let me go grocery shopping-
RachelI'm not done yet. And I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.
MonicaWhy would someone do that?! ...One might wonder. But, I would be fine with that.
ChandlerSomeone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood..
MonicaSTOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I? (Monica tried to prove that she can be unorganized, but she broke down when Chandler brought up the coaster.)
RossMonica? You're Mom. (Monica gasps)
PhoebeRee! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
(Joey enters and he's on the phone.)
Joey(on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Ok! Ok, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) Huh, that was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job... in the new Al Pacino movie!
AllOh my God! Whoah!
MonicaWell, what's the part?
JoeyCan you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!"
PhoebeSeriously, what-what's the part?
Joey"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"
RossCome on, seriously, Joey, what's the part?
JoeyUh... I'm his (mumbles)
Rachel..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
Joey...I'm his butt double. Ok? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.
Monica(trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
JoeyCome on, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, that's big!
ChandlerOh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... you know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack you own show.
JoeyOk, ok, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!
RossNo, you're right, you're right, it is...So you're gonna invite us all to the big opening?
Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.
MonicaAlright, alright, alright... (Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)
JoeyHere. I need to borrow some moisturizer.
JoeyWhat do you think? Today's the big day! And you got tweezers? I think I have a rogue hair.
MonicaOh God. Ok, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.
JoeyThank you! (He goes into the bathroom.) (Chandler enters with the phone.)
ChandlerWhere's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
MonicaHe's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!
ChandlerOh come on, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!
MonicaI warned you... (Rachel enters from her room.)
RachelWho is being loud?
ChandlerOh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a couple of things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.
MonicaOh, you got the whole night, huh?
ChandlerYeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, you know... (He starts to raid the fridge.)
RachelOoh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
ChandlerNo-no-no, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. Ok? You know how in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life, well, every, single, second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)
MonicaSure. Oh, um, Chandler? You know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...I'm not gonna do that.
A Film Set, Joey is waiting to do the scene. A crew member passes by him.
JoeyUh excuse me, could you see if they could warm it up in here? I'm a little concerned about goose bumps.
DirectorOk, everybody ready?
JoeyUh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity. Uhm I mean, listen, I know this is just a first step but I hoped someday-
Director(Interrupts) Lose the robe.
JoeyRight. Ok. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) Ok, and the robe is lost.
DirectorOk, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts)... and... action. (Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)
DirectorAnd cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
JoeyWell, I'm- I'm showering.
DirectorNo, that was clenching.
JoeyOh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, you know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.
DirectorI think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
JoeyI was going for quiet desperation. If you have to ask.
Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.
ChandlerGod, I love these fingers.
ChandlerNo, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look how happy they are.
Aurora(moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)
ChandlerOh no nonononononnononono, don't go, don't go, don't go... (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)
AuroraOk... Oh no, I have to.
Chandler(to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.
Aurora(getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.
ChandlerWell, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.
AuroraIt's not Rick.
ChandlerEthan? He got to spend the whole day with you!
AuroraNo, it's-it's Andrew.
ChandlerI know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question: but- And Andrew is?
ChandlerOh so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan, and myself?
AuroraNo, that's not exactly what I was..
ChandlerWell, you know, most women would kill for three guys like us.
AuroraSo what'd you want?
AuroraYou have me!
ChandlerNo-no, just you.
AuroraWhat'd you mean?
ChandlerLose the other guys.
AuroraLike... all of them?
ChandlerCome on, we're great together, why not?
AuroraWhy can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... up till tonight I thought that's what you wanted too.
ChandlerWell, you know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, you know? I mean, one guy's saying 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the guy who wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... He's saying, you know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'
AuroraSo... which one of the two guys will you listen to?
ChandlerI don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish.
ChandlerThe second guy.
Aurora(gets up to leave) I see. Well, call me if you change your mind. (She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her passionately.)
ChandlerSorry, the first guy runs the lips. (She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his bed.)
Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to comfort Chandler. Joey is absent.
RossLook at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this-this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again? (Joey enters.)
AllHey! Big star!
MonicaHey, wait a minute, aren't you the guy who plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?
RossNo? What happened, big guy.
Chandler(to Ross) "Big guy?"
RossIt felt like a 'big guy' moment.
JoeyI got fired.
JoeyYeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...
RachelOh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.
JoeyMy mom will.
ChandlerSomething so sweet and...disturbing about that.
JoeyYou know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it!
MonicaWait a minute, maybe this wasn't your shot.
RossYeah, I-I think when it's your shot, you know, you-you know it's your shot. Did... Did it... feel like your shot?
JoeyHard to tell, I was naked.
PhoebeNo, I don't think this was your shot. I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! And, you've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'
JoeyYou think? That's so nice! (They hug.) (Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)
MonicaI'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys.
AllNight. Good night, Monica.
RachelUh, Mon, you-you're gonna leave your shoes out here?
Monica(determined, still trying to show that she can be unorganized) Uh-huh!
RachelReally? Just-just casually strew about in that reckless haphazard manner?
MonicaDoesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or, not... Whenever. (Goes to her room.)
RossShe is a kook.
Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.
Monica(hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them... But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! Oh, I need help! (She buries her head in her pillow.)
Monica and Rachel's. Everyone is still there, except Monica.
Phoebe(starts to sing) All you want is a dingle
JoeyOh no, not that song.
Everybody except JoeyAll you envy's a schwang
JoeyCome on you guys!
Everybody except JoeyA thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang...
Everybody, including Joey who decides to join in(they all get up on their feet) All you want is a tinkle, What you envy's a schwang, A thing through which you can tinkle, Or play with, or simply let hang...
Written by Adam Chase & Ira Ungerleider; Transcribed by guineapig; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp