Central Perk, Rachel is talking to a customer. RachelOk, ok, I checked. We have: Earl Grey, English Breakfast, Cinnamon Stick, Camomile, Mint Medley, Blackberry, and.. oh, wait, there's one more, um.. Lemon Soother. You're not the guy that asked for the tea, are you? (Guy shakes his head) Ok. Central Perk, Monica enters with some mail. MonicaMail call, Rachel Green, bunk seven.
RachelThank you. (Examines it) Oh, cool! Free sample of coffee!
MonicaOh good! 'Cause where else would we get any?
RachelOh. Right. ...Oh great.
MonicaWhat is it?
RachelCountry club newsletter. My mother sends me the engagement notices for 'inspiration.' Oh my God! Oh my God, it's Barry and Mindy!
MonicaBarry who you almost...?
RachelBarry who I almost.
MonicaAnd Mindy, your maid of...?
RachelMindy, my maid of. Oh!
Monica(Takes it) That's Mindy? Wow, she is pretty. (Sees Rachel's look) Lucky. To have had a friend like you. Now it's, quiet time. Shh shh shh. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are eating Chinese food. RossMarcel. Bring me the rice, Come on. Bring me the rice, Come on. Good boy. Good boy. Come here, give me the rice. (Marcel brings the rice) Thank you, good boy. Well, I see he's finally mastered the difference between 'bring me the' and 'pee in the'. (Rachel ignores him) 'Bring me the' and- Rach?
RachelOh, I'm sorry. Oh, this is so stupid! I mean, I gave Barry up, right? I should be happy for them! I am, I'm happy for them.
RachelNo. Oh, oh, I guess it would be different if I were- with somebody.
RossWhoah, what-uh, what happened to, uh, 'Forget relationships! I'm done with men!' The whole, uh, penis embargo?
RachelOh, I don't know. I guess it's not about no guys, it's about the right guy, you know? I mean, with Barry, it was safe and it was easy, but there was no heat. You know, with Paolo, that's all there was, was heat! And it was just this raw, animal, sexual...
RossWait-wait. I, I got it. I was there.
RachelWell, I mean, do you think you can ever have both? you know? Someone who's like, who's like your best friend, but then also can make your toes curl?
RossYes. Yes. Yes! Yes, I do, I really do! Uh, in fact, it's funny, very often, someone who you wouldn't think could-could curl your toes, might just be the one who uh who...
(Enter the other four)
Ross...Gets interrupted. Hi!
RachelHey, guys, how was the movie?
PhoebeSo good!
JoeySuck fest.
ChandlerToootal chick-flick.
PhoebeI-I'm sorry it wasn't one of those movies with, like, you know, like guns and bombs and, like, buses going really fast...
JoeyHey, I don't need violence to enjoy a movie. Just so long as there's a little nudity.
MonicaThere was nudity!
JoeyI meant female nudity. Alright? I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.
Monica and PhoebeHugh! Hugh Grant!
RossAlright, I've gotta go. Come on, Marcel! Come on! Yeah we're gonna go take a bath. Yes we are, aren't we? Yes, we are.
ChandlerThey're still just friends, right?
Rachel(To Marcel) And I will see you tomorrow!
RossThat's right, you're gonna spend tomorrow at Aunt Rachel's, aren't you huh?
MonicaOh, hang on, hang on. Does Aunt Monica get a say in this?
Ross'Pwease, Aunt Monica, pwease?' Oh, unclench. You're not even gonna be there. Joe-G's Pizza, the guys are there. ChandlerYou know, I can't believe we are even having this discussion.
JoeyI agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
ChandlerI mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already?
RossI'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.
JoeyShe really said that?
RossWell, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.
Joey'Tonight' tonight?
RossWell, I think it's perfect. you know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey...
ChandlerI can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
RossAnyway, you know I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
ChandlerHey, you know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is taking care of Marcel and they are watching a soap opera. RachelNow, now the one in the feather boa, that's Dr. Francis. Now, she used to be a man. Ok, now look, see, there's Raven. We hate her. We're glad she's dying. And there- (Marcel pushes down a cushion to reveal a shoe) Wh- wh- Marcel, are you playing with Monica's shoes? You know you're not supposed to play- whoah. Marcel, did you poo in the shoe? (Takes the shoe into the kitchen) Oh Marcel, bad monkey! bad! Oh! God! Oh! Oh! (She notices the newsletter and taps the contents of the shoes onto it, then folds it shut) Sorry, Barry. Little engagement gift. I'm sure you didn't register for that. (She leaves the apartment holding the newsletter at arm's length. However, she leaves the door open. Marcel runs out in the opposite direction. There is a shot from the TV and Rachel runs back in) Who died? Who died? Roll him over! Oh, Come on, roll him over! Oh...! Well, we know it wasn't Dexter, right Marcel? Because- (Looks down and notices he is missing) Marcel? Marcel? Marc- (Notices the open door)
[Time lapse. Now everyone but Ross and Phoebe is back at Monica and Rachel's.]
JoeyHow could you lose him?
RachelI don't know. I don't know, we were watching TV, and then he pooped in Monica's shoe-
MonicaWait. He pooped in my shoe? Which one?
RachelI don't know. The left one.
MonicaWhich ones? 
RachelOh. Oh, those little clunky Amish things you think go with everything.
Phoebe(Entering) Hey.
PhoebeWhoah, ooh, why is the air in here so negative?
ChandlerRachel lost Marcel.
PhoebeOh no, how?
MonicaHe- he pooped in my shoe.
PhoebeWhich one?
MonicaThose cute little black ones I wear all the time.
PhoebeNo, which one? The right or left? 'Cause the left one is lucky...
RachelCome on, you guys, what're we gonna do, what're we gonna do?
JoeyAlright alright. You're a monkey. You're loose in the city. Where do you go?
ChandlerOk, it's his first time out, so he's probably gonna wanna do some of the touristy things. I'll go to Cats, you go to the Russian Tea Room.
RachelOh! My! God! Come on, you guys! He's gonna be home any minute! He's gonna kill me!
MonicaOk, we'll start with the building. You guys take the first and second floor, Phoebe and I'll take third and fourth.
RachelWh-wh-wh-wh-wh-what am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
MonicaOk, you stay here, and just wait by the phone. Spray Lysol in my shoe, and wait for Ross to kill you.
(They all leave)
RachelAnybody wanna trade? Oh...
[Cut to a hallway in the building, Monica and Phoebe are knocking on a door. Mr. Heckles emerges.]
Mr. HecklesWhat do you want?
MonicaMr. Heckles, our-ourr friend lost a monkey. Have you seen it?
Mr. HecklesI left a Belgian waffle out here, did you take it?
PhoebeWhy would you leave your Belgian waffle in the hall?
Mr. HecklesI wasn't ready for it.
MonicaThe monkey. Have you seen a monkey?
Mr. HecklesSaw Regis Philbin once...
PhoebeOk, thank you, Mr. Heckles. (They move off)
Mr. HecklesYou owe me a waffle.
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's.]
Rachel(On the phone) Ok, he's a, he's a black Capuchin monkey with a white face...
(Enter Ross) ...with, with Russian dressing and, and pickles on the side. Ok. Thanks. (to Ross) Hi!
RossHey. How did, uh, how'd it go today?
RachelGreat! It went great. Really great. Hey, is that wine?
RossYeah. Yeah. You, uh, you want some?
RachelOh, I would love some. But you know what? you know what? Let's not drink it here. I'm feeling kinda crazy. You wanna go to Newark?
RossUh, ok, yeah, well, we could do that, but before we head off to the murder capital of the North-East, I was, uh, kinda wanted to run something by you. you know how we were, uh, you know, talking before about, uh, relationships and stuff?
(Uncorks the wine) Well-
RachelOh God, Ross, I cannot do this.
RossOk, quick and painful. (Starts to cork the wine)
RachelOh God... Ok. Alright. Alright. Ok. Ross, please don't hate me.
RossOh, what? What-what?
RachelUh, you know Marcel?
RachelWell, I-I kind of... I kind of lost him.
[Cut to outside the window, with Ross reacting with disbelief. The shot pans back until we see Marcel sitting on the window ledge.] Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Ross(Angry) I-I-I can, I can't believe this. I mean, all I asked you to do was keep him in the apartment.
RachelI know, I know, I'm sorry-
RossNo no, you know what, I guess it's partially my fault. you know, I shouldn't've, uh, asked you to start off with a monkey. I should've started you off with like a pen or a pencil.
Rachel(Tearfully) Ross, I'm doing everything that I can, I've got everybody looking for him, and I- (Door buzzer goes and she runs to get it) Oh! Who is it?
IntercomAnimal Control.
RachelSee? I've even called Animal Control!
RossYou called Animal Control?
RachelUh-huh... why... do you not like them?
RossMarcel is an illegal exotic animal. I'm not allowed to have him in the city. If they find him, they'll take him away from me.
RachelO-ok, well now see, you never ever ever told us that...
RossThat's right, I.. 'cause I didn't expect you were gonna invite them to the apartment!
(A knock on the door. Rachel swiftly opens it)
RachelHi, thanks for coming.
Luisa(Animal Control) Somebody called about a monkey?
RachelOh, oh, you know what? That was a complete misunderstanding! (Ross puts his arms around her and they act all sweetness and light)
RossYeah, we-we thought we had a monkey, but we-we didn't.
RachelTurned-turned out it was a hat.
RachelCat! What'd I say?
(Luisa nods, but then Monica and Phoebe run in)
MonicaHi. We checked the third and fourth floor, no-one's seen Marcel.
RossMy uncle Marcel.
PhoebeOh, is that who the monkey's named after?
LuisaOookay. Are you aware that possession of an illegal exotic is, uh, punishable by up to two years in prison and confiscation of the animal?
PhoebeOh my God. You'd put that poor little creature in jail?
MonicaPheebs, you remember how we talked about saying things quietly to yourself first?
PhoebeYes, but there isn't always time!
MonicaLook. I'm sure there's some friendly way to reconcile this! Um, have a seat. First of all, we haven't been introduced, I'm-I'm Monica Geller.
LuisaOh my God, you are! And you're Rachel Green!
LuisaLuisa Gianetti! Lincoln High? I sat behind you guys in home room!
RachelUh! Luisa? Oh my God! Monica! It's Luisa!
RossHey, I went there too!
MonicaOh, Luisa, from home room!
LuisaYou have no idea who I am, do you.
MonicaNo, none at all.
LuisaWell, maybe that's because you spent four years ignoring me. I mean, would it've been so hard to say 'Morning, Luisa'? Or 'Nice overalls'?
MonicaOh, I'm-I'm so sorry!
LuisaYeah, that's not so much you, you were fat, you had your own problems. (To Rachel) But you? What a bitch!
MonicaAlright, you know, be that as it may, do you think you could just help us out here on that monkey thing? you know, just for old times' sake? Go Bobcats?
LuisaI could... but I won't. If I find that monkey, he's mine. (Leaves)
PhoebeDun-dun-duun! Sorry.
[Cut to another part of the building. We see Marcel jump in through a window and run down some stairs, then Chandler and Joey come down from the upper floor without noticing.]
(They come to a door and silently agree to try it. A very sweaty woman emerges)
SamanthaHi, can I help you? [Angela Visser (Miss Universe 1989)]
(Chandler and Joey are dumbstruck for a moment)
ChandlerUm, we're kinda having an emergency and we-we were looking for something...
JoeyA monkey.
ChandlerYes have you seen any?
SamanthaNo. No, haven't seen a monkey. Do you know anything about fixing radiators?
JoeySure, sure! Did you, uh, did you try turning the knob back the other way?
SamanthaOf course.
JoeyOh. Then, no.
(Another sweaty woman comes to the door and speaks to her friend)
TiaTaste this Dan Kray. Is there too much rum in here?
(Joey and Chandler shoot each other glances) [Elisabeth Sjoli]
SamanthaJust a second. (To Chandler and Joey) Hope you find your monkey. (She starts to shut the door)
ChandlerOh, no no wait wait no no no wait wait! Uh... we may not know anything about radiators per se, but we do have a certain amount of expertise in the heating and cooling... milieu.
JoeyUh, aren't we kind of in the middle of something here?
ChandlerYes, but these women are very hot, and they need our help! And they're very hot.
JoeyWe can't, alright? (To the women) We're sorry. You have no idea how sorry, but... We promised we'd find this monkey. If you see him, he's about yea high and answers to the name Marcel, so if we could get some pictures of you, you'd really be helping us out.
(The women quickly shut the door)
ChandlerOk, from now on, you don't get to talk to other people.
[Cut to Monica and Phoebe searching the basement.]
PhoebeSomething just brushed up against my right leg!
MonicaWhat is it?
PhoebeOh. Oh, it's ok, it was just my left leg.
(Marcel makes a monkeyish noise. He is sitting in the corner)
MonicaLook, Phoebe!
PhoebeOh yeah oh! Oh Marcel, come here. Oh come here Marcel.
(Luisa appears on the stairs)
LuisaStep aside, ladies! (She loads a gun)
MonicaOh, what're you gonna do?
LuisaJust a small tranquilizer.
(In slow motion we see Phoebe look at Marcel, then at Luisa. She jumps toward Marcel just as Luisa fires the gun.)
MonicaRun, Marcel, run! Run, Marcel! (Marcel runs off and Luisa runs after him. Monica goes to check up on Phoebe) Are you ok?
PhoebeYeah, I think so. Oh! (She notices the tranquiliser dart has hit her in the butt and removes it) Huh. (Sways back) Whoah.
MonicaOh gosh.
[Cut to Marcel walking along a hallway. He notices a banana on the floor and picks it up. The hand of an unseen person grabs him and carries him away. Then cut to Ross and Rachel on the street outside.]
RossMarce- oh, this is ridiculous! We've been all over the neighbourhood. He's gone, he's-he's just gone.
RachelRoss, you don't know that.
RossOh come on. It's cold, it's dark, he doesn't know the Village. (Kicks a sign in frustration) And now I have a broken foot. Oh my, I have no monkey, and a broken foot! Thank you very much.
RachelRoss, you know, I said I'm sorry like a million times. What do you want me to do? Huh? What do you want- You want me to break my foot too? Ok, I'm gonna break my foot, right here. (Kicks the sign) Ow!! Oh! Oh my God, oh my God! There, you happy now?!
RossYeah, yeah. you know, now that you kicked the sign, hey! I-I don't miss Marcel any more!
Rachelyou know, it is not like I did this on purpose.
RossOh, no no no. No no, this is just vintage Rachel. I mean, things just sort of happen around you. I mean, you're off in Rachel-land, doing your Rachel-thing, totally oblivious to people's monkeys, or to people's feelings...
RossI don't even wanna hear it, no, you always...
RossForget it, ok?
RossWhat? What? What?
(A man carrying a box of bananas walks past them. They stare for a minute and then hobble after him)
BothHey, Bananaman! Hey hey! Everyone in the hall outside Mr. Heckles' door. Ross is carrying the box of bananas. He bangs on the door. PhoebeOh, this is so intense. One side of my butt is totally asleep, and the other side has no idea.
JoeyWhat's with Phoebe?
MonicaTranquilizer dart.
JoeyOh sure.
(Mr. Heckles opens the door)
RossHi, did you order some bananas?
Mr. HecklesWhat about it?
RossGimme my monkey back.
Mr. HecklesI don't have a monkey.
RachelThen what's with all the bananas?
Mr. HecklesPotassium.
(There is a monkey-like noise from within and Ross pushes past Mr. Heckles and enters his apartment)
RossMarcel? Marcel? Ok, where is he? Where is he? Marcel? Marcel?
Mr. HecklesYou're wasting your time.
(Everyone looks at Monica who is standing behind a standing magnifying glass; making her pelvis look bigger.)
Monica(oblivious) What? What? (realizes where she is standing)
(Marcel jumps into view wearing a pink dress. Everybody gasps)
RossMarcel! What've you done to him?
Mr. HecklesThat's my monkey. That's Patti, Patti the monkey.
RossAre you insane? come here, Marcel, Come on. (Marcel starts to go to him)
Mr. HecklesCome here, Patti. (Marcel turns round)
RossCome here, Marcel. (Turns to Ross)
Mr. HecklesCome here, Patti. (Turns to Mr. Heckles)
Luisa(Out of shot) Here, monkey. Here, monkey! Here, monkey! (Marcel runs to the door and into Luisa's cage, which she slams shut) Got you.
RossOk, gimme my monkey back.
Mr. HecklesThat's my monkey.
LuisaYou're both gonna have to take this up with judge.
Mr. HecklesThat's not my monkey. Just the dress is mine, you can send that back whenever.
RossAlright, I want my monkey.
RachelOh, Come on, Luisa!
LuisaSorry, prom queen.
Ross(To Rachel) You had to be a bitch in high school, you couldn't've been fat.
RachelAlright. Look, ok, in high school I was the prom queen and I was the homecoming queen and the class president and you... were also there! But this isn't high school anymore, this is real life. Ok? And we are all adults here.
Joey(Standing behind the standing magnifying glass) Heckles! Can I have this?
RachelFor the most part, look, if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. Come on, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!
RachelAlright. Well then how about I call your supervisor, and I tell her that you shot my friend in the ass with a dart? Monica and Rachel's. Rachel and Ross are there. Ross is trying to get the dress off Marcel. RossHey, it'll be nice to get this off finally, won't it? Yes it will. (Marcel resists) Or we can leave it on for now, that's fine.
RachelYou know, with the right pair of pumps, that would be a great little outfit.
RossListen, I'm-I'm sorry I was so hard on you before, you know I just...
RachelOh, Ross, Come on. No no, It was my fault, I almost lost your...
RossNo no yeah, but you were the one who got him back, you know? You, you were great. (pause) Hey, we uh, we still have that, uh, that bottle of wine. You in the mood for, uh, something grape?
RachelSure. That would be good.
RossAlright. (He goes to get the glasses. Then he hesitates and turns off the main light. Rachel looks round and he acts surprised) The, uh, the neighbours must be vacuuming. (He sits down and starts to pour the wine) Well, so long as we're here and, uh, not on the subject, I was thinking about, uh, how mad we got at each other before, and, um, I was thinking maybe it was partially because of how we, um...
(Barry bursts in)
BarryI can't. I can't do it, I can't marry Mindy. I think I'm still in love with you.
Ross and RachelOh!
RossWe have got to start locking that door! Central Perk, Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Chandler are looking through Monica's high school yearbook. ChandlerShow us!
JoeyCome on!
PhoebeCome on. It was a long time ago.
MonicaOk ok fine. All right. (They all gather around her to view her high school yearbook.) This is me in The Sound of Music. You see the von Trapp kids?
MonicaThat's because I'm in front of them.
JoeyWhoa! Big nun!
ChandlerYeah. I thought that was an alp.
MonicaWell, high school was not my favourite time.
JoeyI don't know, I loved high school. You know? It was just four years of parties and dating and sex and...
ChandlerYeah, well I went to boarding school with four hundred boys. Any sex I had would've involved a major lifestyle choice.
MonicaGosh, doesn't it seem like a million years ago?
PhoebeOh. Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! (She stands up and starts to dance around) Ooh! My butt cheek is waking up! Oooh! Ooh!

Written by Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz; Transcribed by guineapig; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp