Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a montage of scenes from Ross and Rachel. PhoebeOk, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. And finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been? The Airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for Ross to come off the plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman. (Flight number 457 from Beijing now arriving.)
RachelOh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Please! Excuse me! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a bench and falls down.)
RachelOh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)
RossIt was, it was great. Oh, what happened?
RossYou're-you're bleeding.
RachelI am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Anyway, enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. I wanna hear everything! (Looks at Julie) Everything!
RossWell, where do I start? Well, this is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.
Rachel(to Julie) Hi! (They shake hands). (to Ross) Uh... Oh! These are, these are, aren't for you. (to Julie) Uh, these are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't speak English.) Welcome to our country.
Julie(Loudly, proving she can speak English.) Thank you. I'm from New York.
RachelOk, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok. Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross. ChandlerNo way!
MonicaI'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross!
PhoebeOh my god. This is huge. This... this is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?
JoeyUm, this?
MonicaGuys, you got your hair cut.
ChandlerYes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.
Phoebe'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we don't look good. Oh, I love that voice. And the winner is Eva Godna!
Rachel(entering, out of breath) Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Oh! Cramp! Cramp! Cramp!
ChandlerOk, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.
(Rachel hits Chandler on the shoulder.)
Rachel(to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you, you slowpokes!
RossThat's all right, Rach, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler. Phoebe. Joey, what up?
JoeyWhat up?
RossEveryone, this is Julie.
Rachel(out of breath) Julie.
AllOhh. (Happily) Hi!
JulieHi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.
RossAnd bus.
JulieOh my God.
RossThe screaming guy?
JulieAnd the spitting?
RossYou gotta hear this story.
JulieWe're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old...
RossEas- two hundred at least.
Julie...and this guy -
RachelAnd the chicken poops in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! I just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.
MonicaThis is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?
JulieWell, Ross and I were in grad school together.
RossBut we haven't seen each other since then. While I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.
RachelJulie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?
MonicaIt's an expression.
RossWell, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.
JulieAnd then we've gotta get some sleep.
RossYeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.
ChandlerOk, well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.
(Ross and Julie exit)
RachelBye. (She closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize with her.) Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter. RossHey, Rach, can I get some coffee?
RachelYeah, sure.
RossThank you.
ChandlerHey, Rach, can I get-
RachelDid you talk to him yet?
RachelThen, no.
(He goes to sit down next to Ross.)
ChandlerSo what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.
RossI know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?
RossIt was you, pal.
ChandlerWell, maybe it was God, doing me. You know, 'cause aside from being almighty, he's also, well, he's a wizard of voices.
RossLook, you were right, ok? She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and-and I don't know, we're having a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.
ChandlerWell, you owe me one, big guy.
RachelHere's your lemonade.
RossI didn't order lemonade.
RachelOh. Well-well then, you better go take that back 'cause they're gonna charge you for that.
RossBut -
RachelGo-go-go-go, come on, come on! (to Chandler) Ok. So, what did you find out?
ChandlerHe said, he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself without any outside help whatsoever.
RachelHow is that the silver lining?
ChandlerYou have to really wanna see it. Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching Sumo. RossIronically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.
[cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.]
MonicaPheebs, you know what I'm thinking?
PhoebeOh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it? Not even close?
MonicaNo, although now that's what I'm thinking.
PhoebeAll right, so what were you thinking?
MonicaWell, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?
PhoebeOhh! No.
MonicaWhy not?
PhoebeBecause, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.
MonicaNo you're not.
PhoebeI know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.
(The phone rings.)
Joey(answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a sec. Ross, Julie, for you.
(Throws him the phone.)
Ross(on phone) Hello? Hi.
Rachel(to Monica and Phoebe)Excuse me, who gave her our phone number?
PhoebeOh, well, who had the motive? Was it the actor (Points at Joey), the chef (Points at Monica), the masseuse (Points at herself), or, was the guy who's dating her? Joey(excitedly) Guy who's dating her, guy who's dating her! Chandler(entering) Hey. Anybody know a good tailor?
JoeyYou need some clothes altered?
ChandlerNo, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.
JoeyWhy don't you go see Frankie? My family's been going to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, excuse me, 15. (still confused) All right, when was 1990?
ChandlerOk, you have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!
Ross(on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? Oh, that is so sweet.
No, no, ok, no, you hang up. No, you, ok, ok, one, two, three. (motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up either.
RachelShe didn't hang up either!
RossOk, no, no, you hang up. You, you, you-
Rachel(taking the phone and hanging it up) Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.
RossRachel! I'll just call her back.
Ross(calls Julie back) Hi sweetie? Sorry, we got disconnected no, you hang up...
RachelOk, ok, ok, ok. How'd this happen to me? How'd this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now all of a sudden he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.
MonicaSweetie, I wanted you to have him too.
RachelI know you did. MonicaHey, you wanna hit Chandler again? RachelI'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smooching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here.
ChandlerOk, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her. Monica and Rachel's, the next morning. JoeyYou know, I think I was sixteen.
ChandlerYou know, I think I don't care.
Monica(to Phoebe) Please, just a little bit off the back.
PhoebeUm, I'm still on "no".
Rachel(poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?
JoeyNo no no no no, (grabs his pants) I'm not falling for that again.
PhoebeWhat's going on?
RachelWell, I-I sorta did a stupid thing last night.
ChandlerWhat stupid thing did you do?
PauloBuongiorno tutti! (Good morning all!)
PhoebeEwww! Monica and Rachel's continued from earlier. RachelOk, Paulo, now you've seen everybody, and better yet they've all seen you (pushes him into her bedroom) (Why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye.)
MonicaRachel, how did this happen?
RachelI don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night.
RachelAt his apartment. Is this juice?
JoeyWhoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him 'cause he hit on Phoebe?
RachelOh God, I know I'm pathetic, I'm a loser.
MonicaHoney, you're not pathetic, you're just, you're sad.
ChandlerYeah, may people do stupid things when they're upset.
MonicaMy God, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't - but this is about your horrible mistake.
RossHi. Sorry we're late but we were - well, there was touching.
PauloHey, hey Ross.
RossHey, Paulo. (Pushes him away) What are, what, what're you doing here?
PauloI do Raquel.
Ross(to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.
RachelYeah, he's back. Is that a problem?
RossNo, not a problem.
RachelGood! Glad it's not a problem.
Phoebe(to Paulo) Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.
ChandlerWell, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants need to be altered.
JoeyOh, hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.
ChandlerYou sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?
MonicaYou know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.
PhoebeAll right. Ok, but, but you have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and all, you know, Monica about it.
MonicaI promise.
PhoebeAll right. Let's see. (Touches Monica's hair) Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you will feel a thing. Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing with her haircut. PhoebeAll right, that's it, I quit.
MonicaWhat? I didn't say anything.
PhoebeYeah, but this isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.
MonicaI'm sorry. Sorry, Phoebe. I just, well, it's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.
PhoebeWould you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.
MonicaHow who wears it?
PhoebeDemi Moore.
MonicaDemi Moore is not a he.
PhoebeWell, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.
MonicaThat's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.
PhoebeOh, oh, oh my God!
MonicaOh my God!
PhoebeI'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Which one's Demi Moore?
MonicaShe's the actress who was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost.
PhoebeOh, she's got gorgeous hair.
MonicaI KNOW! That's why I wanted to look like her!
PhoebeOh I'm....You know, my mom's dead.
Phoebe & MonicaOh my god! Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants altered. Chandler(standing in front of a 3-way mirror) Well, this is what my butt must look like to a fly.
FrankieHow long do you want the cuffs?
ChandlerAt least as long as I have the pants.
FrankieI just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam.
(He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face.) Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom. RachelHow is she?
PhoebeIt's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.
RossHow's the hair?
PhoebeI'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good.
RossAnd there's nothing you can do?
PhoebeAt this point, it's a waiting game. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.
JoeyOh can we see her?
PhoebeYour hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, why don't you come on in. (They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)
JoeyHow're you doing?
RachelI'm ok.
JoeyOoh, that bad, huh? Look, Rach, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.
RachelJoey, when I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I just hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me.
JoeyYou gotta tell Ross how you feel.
RachelCome on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?
JoeyWhat about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.
RachelI don't know, I don't know.
JoeyLook, Rach, Rach, I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.
Chandler(entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man!
JoeyFrankie? What're you talking about?
Ross(entering from the bedroom) Hey, what's going on?
ChandlerJoey's tailor...took advantage of me.
JoeyNo way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.
ChandlerOh come on, he said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite -
JoeyThat's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, will you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measures pants?
RossYes, yes it is, in prison! What's the matter with you?
JoeyWhat? That's not? Oh my God. (goes to sit down)
RossI'll put on a pot of coffee. (Pats Joey on the shoulder, who then flinches.) Monica and Rachel's, later that day. Monica is now out and about. MonicaEven Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.
PhoebeCome on, it's not that bad. You never know. Bell-bottoms came back in. (Monica rolls her eyesrolls her eyes.) RossI like it. I do, I think it's a Ten.
MonicaThank you. My hair is very amused.
ChandlerCome on, Monica, things could be worse. I mean, you could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.
PhoebeThank you.
RossWell, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rach.
Rachel(sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait, are you leaving?
RossYeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"
RachelWell, can-can I talk to you for a sec?
RossOk. (goes out onto the balcony)
JoeyHey, when the doctor does that hernia test...
ChandlerThat's ok. If your mechanic does it....(nods 'no' very quick with a grimacing smile.)
[Out on the balcony]
RossWhat's going on?
RachelUm, well, uh, ok, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. That was just a stupid thing that I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all, (Ross laughs) what?
RossOk. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?
RachelNo. No-no-no-no.
RossOk. Um, well then I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actually, I physically hate him. And I'm, I always have. And you, you are way too good to be with a guy like that.
RossRach, you deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, you know? And who gets how-how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who-who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh-oh my god, I'm-I'm with Rachel". You know, someone, someone who makes you feel good, like-like, the way I am due with Julie. Was there a, a second of all?
RachelOhhh. No, I think, I think that was the whole all.
RossOk. Ok. (They hug.) Ok. (Rachel mouths 'goodbye'). [Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone.]
JoeyNo, I swear to God, Dad. That's not how they measure pants. Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her hair cut from Phoebe. JulieI was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like I'm Andie MacDowell's new haircut?
PhoebeOh yeah, oh, I could do that.
PhoebeYeah. Do you wanna do it right now?
JulieGreat! (Julie leaves)
Phoebe(to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna make really sure this time. Andie McDowell is the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?
RachelNo. No no no no no. That's Roddy McDowall. Andie McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.
PhoebeOh, yeah. Ok, thank you.
RachelYou're welcome.

Written by Jeff Astroff & Mike Sikowitz; Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips; With Minor Adjustments by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp