Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Chandler is playing poker. Chandler(entering) Hey.
AllHey!
MonicaSo how was Joan?
ChandlerI broke up with her.
AllOh, Why?
RossDon't tell me, 'cause of the big nostril thing?
ChandlerThey were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.
RachelOh come on, they were not that huge.
ChandlerI'm telling you, she leaned back; I could see her brain.
MonicaHow many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?
JoeyHold it, hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. Drove me nuts.
Chandler(To Ross) You or me?
RossI got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
JoeyYou guys are messing with me, right?
AllYeah.
JoeyThat was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa." Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is getting Ross and Chandler a beer. PhoebeSo, you name one woman that you broke up with for a actual real reason.
ChandlerMaureen Rosilla.
Ross"'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni," is not a real reason.
(There's a knock on the door.)
Monica(opening the door) Hello, Mr. Heckles.
Mr. HecklesYou're doing it again.
MonicaWe're not doing anything.
Mr. HecklesYou're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.
RachelYou don't have birds.
Mr. HecklesI could have birds.
MonicaOk, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.
Mr. HecklesThank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.
RachelAll right, bye-bye.
(Monica closes the door.)
ChandlerOk, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.
RossWe'll give you Janice.
PhoebeI miss Janice though. (Imitating Janice) "Hello, Chandler Bing."
Rachel(doing Janice) "Oh, my, God."
Joey(doing Janice) "Oh, Chandler, now, yeah, that's it. There, faster!" (He turns around and everyone is staring at him.)
(Mr. Heckles bangs on his ceiling.)
MonicaStop with the broom, we're not making noise.
(She stomps in protest. Heckles bangs again, which is answered by Monica and Rachel. Heckles bangs yet again, which is answered by everyone. There is no response.)
RachelWe won. We won!
[Cut to a man wrapped up on a sheet being wheeled out on a gurney with the gang and Mr. Treeger looking on.]
MonicaMr. Heckles. 
RachelHow did this happen?
Mr. TreegerHe musta been sweeping. They found a broom in his hand.
AllOh, dear God.
MonicaThat's terrible.
Mr. TreegerI know. I was sweeping yesterday. It could've been me.
AllSure. Sure.
RossSweeping. You never know.
Mr. TreegerYou never know. Monica and Rachel's, the next day, everyone is eating dinner. PhoebeOk, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. (Screaming) Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!
ChandlerOk, Phoebe.
PhoebeI'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. (Everyone groans) That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know there're a lot of things outa there that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.
JoeySuch as?
PhoebeLike crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?
RossWhoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?
PhoebeNah. Not really.
RossYou don't believe in evolution?
PhoebeI don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.
RossToo easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, is-is too easy?
PhoebeYeah, I just don't buy it.
RossUh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.
PhoebeOk, don't get me started on gravity.
RossYou uh, you don't believe in gravity?
PhoebeWell, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.
(There's a knock on the door.)
ChandlerUh-oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. Quick Pheebs, hop on the ceiling.
(Monica opens the door.)
Mr. TreegerThere she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.
MonicaWhat can we do for you?
Mr. BoyleAll right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "The noisy girls in the apartment above mine."
MonicaWell, what about his family?
Mr. BoyleHe didn't have any.
RachelOk, so let's talk money.
Mr. BoyleAll right, there was none. Now, let's talk signing. (To Monica) You be noisy girl number one, (To Rachel) you be noisy girl number two.
MonicaI can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it? Mr. Heckles' apartment, the gang is looking over Monica and Rachel's inheritance. MonicaWould you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!
RachelHave you ever seen so much crap?
ChandlerActually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.
JoeyCheck this out. Can I have this? (It's a giant magnifying glass on a stand.)
[Cut to Phoebe and Ross.]
RossHow can you not believe in evolution?
PhoebeI don't know, just don't. Look at this funky shirt!
RossPheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, and I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can-can literally see them evolving through time.
PhoebeReally? You can actually see it?
RossYou bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.
PhoebeSee, I didn't know that.
RossWell, there you go.
PhoebeHuh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?
Chandler(holding a book) Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."
JoeyHey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.
ChandlerApril 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate brings home dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.
RachelMonica, Monica, look at this lamp. (She's holding a lamp made from seashells.) Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.
MonicaRach, I think we have enough regular lamps.
RachelWhat? Come on, it's not like, it's not like I'm asking for this girlie clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool. (It's a girl in a bikini and pasties standing behind an alarm clock.)
MonicaIt doesn't go with any of my stuff.
RachelWell, what about my stuff?
MonicaYou don't have any stuff.
RachelThis will be the start of my stuff.
MonicaMmmm....no!
RachelYou still think of it as your apartment, don't you?
MonicaNo.
RachelYes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just someone who rents a room.
MonicaMmmmm.
RachelOk, while you "mmm" on that for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.
RossOk, Pheebs. (He's holding two little toys.) See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?
PhoebeMaybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.
RossPlease tell me you're joking.
PhoebeLook, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.
RossNo, no, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because it's like math. One plus one equals two. I can't stand by and let you think that one plus one might equal three or four or yellow!
PhoebeWhy not? No, what's that all about? What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? You know what, I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.
Ross(To Chandler) Is there blood coming out of my ears?
JoeyCheck it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.
ChandlerWow, he looks so normal.
PhoebeHe's even kinda cute.
Joey"Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school."
ChandlerFunniest? Heckles?
JoeyThat's what it says.
ChandlerWow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. (There's a banging coming from upstairs.) He was right. Would you listen to that?
PhoebeI'd call that excessive.
ChandlerWhoa!
JoeyWhat?
ChandlerHeckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.
JoeySo, you were both dorks. Big deal.
ChandlerI just think it's weird, you know? (The banging is back.) Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me, me and Heckles... (He picks up the broom and bangs on the ceiling) Hey, would you knock it off? (Everyone stares) (Realizes) Bah! (He throws the broom down.) Mr. Heckles' Apartment, Chandler is in one of Heckles' old robes and sitting on the couch. Joey(entering) Have you been here all night?
ChandlerLook at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. (As he mentions each name and description, he hands a picture to Joey.) Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.
JoeyChandler, Heckles was a nutcase.
ChandlerOur trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.
JoeyAll right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.
ChandlerWhat if I never find somebody? Or even worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it 'supposebly?'
{What is the difference between the words supposedly and supposebly? There is no such word as supposebly, it's just people saying supposedly incorrectly. (Much the same way people say nucular when they mean nuclear... [link]}
JoeyChandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.
ChandlerHow do you know that? How?
JoeyI don't know, I'm just trying to help you out.
ChandlerYou'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?
JoeyWell, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doing. I mean, what if we're over her folks' place?
ChandlerYeah, I understand.
JoeyYou can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?
ChandlerYou know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man. (exits)
JoeySupposebly. Supposebly. Did they go to the zoo? Supposebly. Chandler and Joey's, Chandler enters, picks up the phone, and dials. Chandler(on phone) Hi, it's me.
JaniceOh, my, God. Central Perk, Chandler is telling everyone about his phone call. PhoebeJanice? You called Janice?
ChandlerYes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?
RossYou remember Janice, right?
ChandlerYes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.
Janice(entering and pregnant) Helloo!!
ChandlerOh...my...God!
Joey(To Chandler) Geez, look how fat she got.
JaniceHey, it's everybody.
ChandlerJanice, you're...
JaniceYes, I am.
ChandlerIs it...
JaniceIs it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now. (She shows everyone her ring.)
EveryoneOh, yeah.
ChandlerCongratulations.
JaniceOh, sweetie, I'm sorry. I couldn't wait for you forever.
ChandlerYou couldn't 've told me about this over the phone?
JaniceAnd what? Missed the expression on your face? Oh no, Janice likes to have her fun. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading and admiring her new lamp. MonicaHey, Rach. You know what we haven't played in a while?
RachelWhat?
MonicaHide the Lamp.
RachelMonica, let it go.
MonicaDid you know I was allergic to shellfish?
RachelWell, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.
(Ross enters carrying a briefcase.)
PhoebeUh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.
RossOk, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.
PhoebeOk, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.
RossIt's the only possibility, Phoebe.
PhoebeOk, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? (Holding her thumb and forefinger close together) Now, wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the Earth was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this? (Monica and Rachel are intrigued.)
RossThere might be...a teeny...tiny...possibility.
PhoebeI can't believe you caved.
RossWhat?
PhoebeYou just abandoned your whole belief system. Now I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Ah! (Ross slowly closes the briefcase and walks out hugging it.) Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?
RachelI am. Let me just get my coat.
(As Monica puts on her coat she knocks over and breaks the seashell lamp.)
Rachel(running into the living room) Aw!
MonicaOk, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was, I was putting on my jacket, and the-the thing, and the-the lamp, and it broke.
RachelOh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and now, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?
MonicaPhoebe, tell her!
PhoebeOk, I didn't see it, 'cause I was putting on my jacket, but uh I want to believe you.
(Chandler enters.)
RachelHey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.
ChandlerNeat. I'm gonna die alone.
RachelOk, you win.
MonicaChandler, you're not gonna die alone.
ChandlerJanice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.
PhoebeUh huh. Why is that?
ChandlerIf I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, you know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!
MonicaYou've got to get over this. Ok? You're-you're not gonna end up alone.
ChandlerOf course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.
RachelChandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.
PhoebeYeah.
MonicaYou are not a freak. You're a guy.
RachelYeah, honey, she's right. I mean you all do it. This-this one guy stopped seeing me because, because his cat didn't like me.
PhoebeOr, this guy dumped me because I fell asleep during Spinal Tap.
ChandlerYou fell asleep during Spinal Tap?
Rachel(to Monica) Oh oh that Teddy, what's his name, in high school he stopped seeing you because he thought you were too fat.
MonicaHe told me it was because he didn't have time for me because of the play.
RachelYeah, that's what I said. Anyway my point being, you are no different than the rest of them.
MonicaWait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. Yeah, you are totally different.
ChandlerIn a bad way?
MonicaNo, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.
RachelYeah. You're not gonna end up alone.
PhoebeChandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!
MonicaYou made it!
PhoebeYou're there!
RachelYou are ready to make a commitment!
ChandlerWhoa! Don't know about that. Mr. Heckles' Apartment, everyone is finishing cleaning up the apartment as Monica walks up to Rachel carrying the girlie clock. RachelWhat you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?
MonicaNo. Um, I know you like this, and I-I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.
RachelThank you.
(The clock sounds it's alarm by whistling and having the girl shake her hips.)
MonicaThat's fine.
ChandlerHey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman Alison, from work, she is great. She's pretty. She's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has a, an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.
JoeyHey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?
ChandlerI'll take that.
JoeyYou want his yearbook?
ChandlerYeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.
MonicaOh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but he was a person. (She ends up standing behind the magnifying glass and everyone is laughing.) What? (Realizes.) You're all going to hell.
RachelIt's really not that big!
(Joey grabs the magnifying glass and walks out.)
Chandler(To Joey) Taking that with you, huh?
JoeyOh, yeah.
RossHey, you coming?
ChandlerYeah, just a second. (Ross exits and Chandler picks up the broom and leans it up against the wall.) Goodbye Mr. Heckles. (He turns off the lights.) We'll try to keep it down. A Restaurant, Chandler is on his date with Allison. AllisonOh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted?"
ChandlerSure. (In his head.) My God, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!

Written by Michael Curtis & Greg Malins; Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips, with Minor Adjustments by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp