Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on the phone. RachelMom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night, I would never do that. Mom, come on, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing (a pigeon flies in the window and lands on the table) Oh my Goood, oh where are you going, oh God mom, I gotta go, I gotta go. (hangs up) Oh my God. OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot, it's not for you. (grabs a pot and lid) OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy. (puts pot over the pigeon) Aaahh, my God, my God, my God, my God, my God, my God, my God, aaaaahh. Oh God, Oh God (knock at the door) It's open you guys.
(a stranger enters with flowers)
RachelHi, hi can I help you?
StrangerYeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?
RachelUh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.
StrangerGreat. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by. (leaves flowers on bar)
RachelHer what? (in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it get away)
StrangerHey, how, how did you do that? 
Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there. JoeyThis is unbelievable, Pheebs, how can you be married?
PhoebeWell, I mean, I'm not married, married, you know, he's just a friend and he's gay and he was from Canada and he just needed a green card.
MonicaI can't believe you married Duncan. I mean how could you not tell me? We lived together, we told each other everything.
PhoebeI'm sorry Monica but I knew if I told you, you'd get really, like, judgemental and you would not approve.
MonicaOf course I wouldn't approve, I mean, you were totally in love with this guy who, hello, was gay. I mean, what the hell were you thinking?
RossYou see, and you thought she'd be judgemental.
PhoebeOK, I wasn't in love with him and I was just helping out a friend.
MonicaPlease, when he left town you stayed in your pajamas for a month and I saw you eat a cheeseburger.
{107: "New York City has no power, and the milk is getting sour. But to me it is not scary, 'cause I stay away from dairy...."}
(Everyone gasps)
MonicaWell, didn't you?
PhoebeI might have.
MonicaI can't believe you didn't tell me.
PhoebeOh, come on, like you tell me everything.
MonicaWhat have I not told you?
PhoebeOh, I don't know. Umm, how about the fact that the underwear out there on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby out on the terrace.
(Rachel, Joey, Ross, and Phoebe run over to the window to look.)
MonicaWait a minute, who told you? (turns to Chandler who's looking sheepish) You are dead meat.
ChandlerI didn't know it was a big secret.
MonicaOh it's not big, not at all, you know, kinda the same lines as, say, oh I don't know, having a third nipple!
(Everyone comes back from the window and surrounds Chandler with Ross hopping on the couch.)
PhoebeYou have a third nipple?
Chandler(to Monica) You bitch.
RossWhip it out, whip it out.
PhoebeYeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Chandler(walks into the living room) Come on, there's nothing to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.
RachelOh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
JoeyI can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.
RossJoey, what did you think a nubbin was?
JoeyI don't know, you see something, you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.
(They go over to Chandler.)
AllYeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.
ChandlerJoey was in a porno movie.
(Everyone gasps)
ChandlerIf I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.
(They all run over to Joey.)
RossYou were in a porno?
JoeyAhh, alright, alright, alright, I was young and I just wanted a job, OK? But at the last minute I couldn't go through with it so they let me be the guy who comes in to fix the copier but can't 'cause these people having sex on it.
MonicaThat is wild.
Ross(to Chandler) So what's it shaped like?
PhoebeYeah, is there a hair on it?
JoeyWhat happens if you flick it? Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, and Julie are sitting on the couch. RossSo, uh, does it do anything, you know, special?
ChandlerWhy yes Ross, pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
JulieYou know, in some cultures having a third nipple is actually a sign of virility. You get the best huts and women dance naked around you.
ChandlerHuh? Are, uh, any of these cultures, perchance, in the tri-state area?
RossYou know, you are so amazing, is there anything you, you don't know?
Rachel(to Monica at the counter) Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special. What, does she go and put on an outfit at night and fight crime?
MonicaLook honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now and you're just gonna have to get over it.
RachelOhh, I'm gonna have to get over it. God, see I didn't know that's I had to do, I just have to get over it. Ohhh, I'm gonna have to write that down on my hand.
(Phoebe enters all dressed up)
JoeyFoxy lady.
JulieWhere're you going?
PhoebeUm, I'm gonna go meet Duncan, he's skating tonight at the Garden, he's in the Capades.
JoeyThe Ice Capades?
ChandlerNo, no the gravel capades. Yeah, the turns aren't as fast but when Snoopy falls... funny.
MonicaI can't believe you're dressing up for him. I mean, you're just, you're setting yourself up all over again.
PhoebeOK, no. For your information I'm going to see him so I can put all those feeling behind me. OK, and the reason I'm dressed like this is because I think it's nice to look nice for your gay husband.
Ross(holding cream pitcher) Oh, darn it, we're all out of milk. (holds pitcher in front of Chandler's chest and flips the lid) Hey Chandler, would you fill me up here?
ChandlerOh I see, I see, because of the third nipple thing. Ha ha ha ha... Central Perk, close to closing. Ross and Julie are still there. Rachel is cleaning tables. RossOK sweetie, I'll see you later.
JulieSee you later Rach.
RachelBye-bye Julie. (Julie leaves)
(Rachel is still cleaning, Ross is laying on the couch. Ross kicks Rachel in the butt.)
(Ross kicks her again)
RachelHey, come on, cut it out.
RossCan I ask you something?
RossNah. (leaves)
RachelWhat? come on, talk to me.
RossOK, what's the longest you've been in the relationship before ha, have, having the sex?
RachelWhy? Who's not having... Are you and Julie not, are, are you and, are you and Julie not having sex?
RossTechnically, huh, no.
RachelWow. Is it, is it 'cause she's so cold in bed. Or, or is it 'cause she's like, kinda bossy, makes it feel like school?
RossNo, no, she's great and it's not like we haven't done anything. I mean, uh, uh, we, we do plenty of other stuff, lot's of other stuff, like uhh...
RachelNo, no no no, don't need to know the details.
RossIt's just, it's, it's me. You, you know I've only been with one woman my whole life and she turned out to be a lesbian. So now I've got myself all psyched out, you know, and it's become, like this, this thing and I... Well, you must just think I'm weird.
RachelNo, no, no, no I don't think it's weird, I think, I think umm, in fact, in fact you know what I think?
RachelI think it's sexy.
RachelLet me tell you something. As a woman there is nothing sexier than a man who does not wanna have sex.
RossNo kidding?
RachelOh yeah. In fact you know what I'd do?
RachelI'd wait.
RossYou'd wait?
RachelYes, absolutely. I would wait and wait... then I'd wait some more.
RachelOh yeah, I don't care how much she tells you she wants it, I don't care if she begs, she pleads, she tells you she, she's gonna have sex with, with another man. That just means it's working.
RossWomen really want this?
RachelMore than jewelry. (Rachel struts off, extremely pleased with herself) Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. PhoebeHi.
DuncanAhh, look at you, you look great.
PhoebeDo I? Thank you, so do you.
PhoebeSparkly. So, wow, this is, this is pretty wonderful, huh. Mr. major capades guy. I, I remember when you were just, like, King Friday in Mr. Roger's Ice's Nice.
DuncanYeah you always said I'd make it.
PhoebeYeah, well, you know, I'm kinda spooky that way. Wooo.
DuncanO God, I missed you. (they hug) I'm gonna get changed.
PhoebeOK. (Phoebe doesn't let him go)
DuncanUm, now. Pheebs.
PhoebeOh, right, OK. Ole.
PhoebeUm, the matador. So. (Duncan leaves) Olé, ha ha ha ha ha. Ross's apartment. Ross and Julie are setting the table. RossSweetie, can you hold this for a second? (hands her a bowl and kisses her)
(Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Rachel enter. Ross and Julie don't notice.)
ChandlerUh, Julie.
ChandlerSorry, you had a paleontologist on your face. But, uh, it's gone now, you're all right.
RossHi everyone.
Ross(pulls Rachel aside) Oh, listen, listen, I just, I wanted to thank you for our uh, our little talk before.
RachelOh, God, no problem. So you're gonna go with the uh, waiting thing?
RossWell, I was going to, but after I talked to you, I talked to Joey.
RachelWhat did, what did he say?
RossBasically he told me to get over myself and just do it, ya know. So I though about what you said and I though about what he said and, well, his way I get to have sex tonight so... Ross's apartment, after dinner. Chandler enters. ChandlerWhat is this in my pocket? Why, it's Joey's porno movie.
RossHey, pop it in.
JoeyI'm fine with it, I mean, if you're OK watching a video filled with two nippled people. (Chandler puts the tape in)
RachelGreat, people having sex, that's just what I need to see.
RossWhat's wrong with people having sex?
RachelWell, well um, you know, these movies are offensive and uh, degrading to women and females. And uh, and the lighting's always unflattering. And, Monica, help me out here.
MonicaHell, I wanna see Joey.
(The video starts with the cheesy porn disco music)
JulieSo is there like a story or do they just start doing it right (sees they are having sex already)... oh, never mind.
ChandlerOK, now wait a minute. That is the craziest typing test I've ever seen.
MonicaAll I say is, she better get the job.
RossLooks to me like he's the one getting the job.
JoeyShh-shh-shh, OK, here I come, here I come. See I'm coming to fix the copier, I can't get to the copier, I'm thinking what do I do, what do I do... so I just watch them have sex. And then I say, wait, here's my line, (Joey from TV) you know that's bad for the paper tray.
ChandlerNice work my friend.
JoeyThank you. Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am... Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is fixing her hair and Duncan enters. PhoebeSo um, so what's up, you came to see me yesterday.
DuncanOh, yeah, um, alright, I kinda need a divorce.
PhoebeOhh...K. How come?
DuncanUmm, actually, I'm getting married again.
DuncanOh God, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm straight.
DuncanYeah, I know, I...
PhoebeI, I don't, I don't understand, I don't understand, how can you be straight? I mean, you're, you're so smart and funny and you throw such great Academy Award parties.
DuncanI know, that's what I kept telling myself but you just reach a point where you can't live a lie anymore.
PhoebeSo how long have you known?
DuncanWell I guess on some level I always knew I was straight. I thought I was supposed to be something else, you know, I'm an ice dancer, all my friends are gay, I was just trying to fit in.
PhoebeAnd um, and there's actually a, a woman?
DuncanHer name's Debra.
PhoebeOh. Well is she, is she the first that you've been with?
DuncanWell, I've never told you this but, there were one or two times, back in college, when I'd get really drunk, go to a straight bar and wake up with a woman next to me, you know. But I, I, I told myself it was the liquor and e-everyone experiments in college.
DuncanBut now I know I don't have a choice about this, I was born this way.
PhoebeI, I don't know what to say. I mean, you know, you're married to someone for six years and you think you know him and then one day says, 'Oh, I'm not gay.'
DuncanI'm, I'm still me.
PhoebeWhy couldn't you have just figured this out six years ago? Ross's apartment, everyone is sitting around. Monica enters from bathroom. MonicaYou know, it still smells like monkey in there.
JulieUh, that saves us a conversation.
ChandlerWell, listen, this's been great but I'm officially wiped.
JoeyMe too, we should get going.
RachelNo, no, I mean, no, come on you guys, I mean, come on look it's only eleven thirty. Let's just talk, we never just hang out and talk anymore.
MonicaRachel, that's all we do.
RachelMaybe that's all we do, what about Julie?
JulieWhat about Julie?
RachelWell, you have been in our lives for nearly two months now and we don't really know you. I mean, who is Julie? I mean, what do you like, what don't you like? We wanna know everything.
JulieWell, that could take a while.
RachelSo? I mean, who here does not have the time to get to know Julie?
ChandlerI got the time to get to know Julie.
JoeyI got time.
MonicaRach, I know her pretty well, can I go? (Rachel gives her a look from hell) That's fine.
RachelOK Julie, so now let's start with your childhood, what was that like?
JulieWell, in a nutshell...
RachelNah, uh, uh, uh, uh. Madison Square Garden, Duncan's dressing room. Phoebe is signing the divorce papers. PhoebeSo, um, have you told your parents?
DuncanNo, but it'll be OK, they're pretty cool, my brother's straight so...
Phoebe(handing him the papers) Here you go. You know what, I just have one more question, um, if you had figured this out sooner and um, I had been around, do you think that I would've been the one who... no, um, that's alright, don't tell me, I don't think either answer would make me feel better, So... Here (Hands him the documents)
DuncanI love you Phoebe. (they hug and kiss)
PhoebeSo your brother's straight huh? Seriously. Ross's apartment, Julie is telling her life story. JulieAnd my second grade teacher was Ms. Thomas, and my first grade teacher was Mrs. Cobb.
RachelMrs., Mrs. Gobb?
JulieNo Cobb, like Cobb salad.
RachelUm, ok. Now, what exactly is in a Cobb salad?
ChandlerI'm going home.
(Outside in the hallway, Chandler, Joey, and Monica exit)
JoeyBoy that Julie's a talker, huh?
RossGood night.
RachelOh, so, it's pretty late, you're probably uh, not still planning on...
RossOh, no-no, I am.
RachelOh, well, are hey, are you nervous?
RossUm, no, I uh, I have done it before.
RachelUh, OK, I mean uh, what, how are you gonna handle it. I mean, are, are ya gonna, are ya gonna talk about it beforehand, are you just gonna pounce?
RossI uh, I don't know, I guess I'm just gonna see, see what happens, you know.
RachelOK, gook luck.
RossWha, uhh, what?
RachelNothing, I mean, um, it is your first time with her and, you know if the first time doesn't go well, well then that's, that's pretty darn hard to recover from.
RossOK, now I'm nervous.
RachelMaybe you should put it off.
RossNo, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I'm just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, you know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, you know?
RachelI know, yeah, I'm sorry.
RossWhat, it's not your fault.
RachelRight. Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.
RachelYeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, catch me off-guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know something amazing is about to happen.
Ross(being drawn in by her talk) Uh-huh.
RachelAnd then, I don't know, then you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.
RossOhh... Thanks Rach, goodnight. (goes back in apartment)
RachelOhh, God. A Street, the next morning. Ross is dancing along, Singing in the Rain is playing. Two old ladies are sitting on a bench. RossGood morning.
Old WomanWell somebody got some last night.
RossTwice (walks into Central Perk as the two old ladies remain speechless)

Written by Alexa Junge; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp