Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are there. Ross is watching wrestling. RossMan, I sure miss Julie.
ChandlerSpanish midgets. Spanish midgets wrestling. Julie. Ok, yes, I see how you got there. (The phone rings and Chandler doesn't answer it.)
RossYou ever figure out what that thing's for?
ChandlerNo, see, I'm trying this new screening thing. You know, I figure if I'm always answering the phone, people'll think I don't have a life. My God, Rodrigo never gets pinned.
Machine(Joey's voice) Comes the beep, you know what to do.
Woman's VoiceHello, I'm looking for Bob. This is Jade. I don't know if you're still at this number, but I was just thinking about us, and how great it was, and, well, I know it's been three years, but, I was kinda hoping we could hook up again. You know, I barely had the nerve to make this call, so, you know what I did?
ChandlerWhat?
JadeI got a little drunk...and naked.
Chandler(answering the phone, in a deep voice) Bob here. Chandler and Joey's, continued from earlier. Ross and Chandler are dancing. Chandler(on phone) So uh, what've you been up to?
JadeOh, you know, the usual, teaching aerobics, partying way too much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, those are my legs on the new James Bond poster. (They stop dancing.)
ChandlerCan you hold on a moment? I have another call. (To Ross) I love her.
RossI know.
Chandler(on phone) I'm back.
JadeSo, are we gonna get together or what?
ChandlerUm, absolutely. Uh, how about tomorrow afternoon? Do you know uh, Central Perk in the Village, say, five-ish?
JadeGreat, I'll see you then.
ChandlerOk. (He hangs up.) Ok. Having a phone has finally paid off.
RossEven though you do do a good Bob impression, I'm thinking when she sees you tomorrow, she may realize that, "Hey, you're not Bob."
Chandler(with a Spanish accent) Ahh you see Tatoo... Ms. Jade's fantasy is to rekindle the love she once had with Bob.
RossYou know what my fantasy is? That you talk like a normal person.
ChandlerI am hoping when Bob doesn't show up, she will seek comfort in the open arms of the wry stranger at the next table.
RossOh my God. You are pure evil.
ChandlerOk, pure evil (holds up his left hand), horny and alone (holds up his right hand). I've done this (He shakes his right hand.) Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there and Ross is on the phone. RossYeah, yeah, everybody's here. Hey, everybody, say hi to Julie in New Mexico.
AllHi, Julie!
Rachel(sarcastically) Hi, Julie.
ChandlerOk, while Ross is on the phone, everybody owes me 62 bucks for his birthday.
PhoebeUm, is, is there any chance that you're rounding up? You know, like from, like 20? 
ChandlerHey, come on, we got the gift, the concert, and the cake.
JoeyDo we need a cake?
ChandlerLook guys, I know it's a little steep.
RachelYeah, whoosh! (Imitates going over a cliff with her hand.)
ChandlerBut it's Ross.
PhoebeYeah, alright.
JoeyYeah, you're right.
RachelI know, I know.
ChandlerOk, I'll see you guys later, I gotta go...do a thing.
RossOk, sweetheart, I'll call you later tonight. (He hangs up) (To Chandler) Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, you're not really gonna go through with this, are you?
ChandlerYou know, I think I might just.
(They exit.)
RachelSo uh, what're you guys doing for dinner tonight?
JoeyWell I guess I gotta start saving up for Ross's birthday, so I guess I'll just stay home and eat dust bunnies.
PhoebeCan you believe how much this is gonna cost?
RachelDo you guys ever get the feeling that um, Chandler and those guys just don't get that we don't make as much money as they do?
JoeyYes! Yeah, it's like they're always saying "let's go here, let's go there". Like we can afford to go here and there.
PhoebeYes, yes, and it's, and we always have to go to, you know, some place nice, you know? God, it's not like we can say anything about it, 'cause, like this, a birthday thing, you know, and it's for Ross.
JoeyFor Ross.
RachelFor Ross, Ross, Ross.
Monica(entering) Oh my God.
RachelHey.
JoeyHi.
RachelWhat?
MonicaOk, I'm at work, it's an ordinary day, you know, chop chop chop, sauté, sauté, sauté. All the sudden, Leon, the manager, calls me into his office. turns out they fired the head lunch chef, and guess who got the job.
JoeyIf it's not you, this is a horrible story.
MonicaFortunately, it is me. And, they made me head of purchasing, thank you very much. Anyway, I just ran into Chandler and Ross downstairs, and they think we should go out and celebrate. You know, some place nice. (She goes into her bedroom.)
Joey(to Phoebe and Rachel) Yeah, some place nice.
RachelYeah!
JoeyHow much do you think I can get for my kidney? (An iPhone.) Central Perk, Jade is waiting for Bob to show while Ross and Chandler look on. RossI'm telling you, You can't do this.
ChandlerOh, come on. I can never get a girl like that with conventional methods.
RossThat doesn't matter. She wanted to call Bob. Hey, for all we know, Bob is who she was meant to be with. {We don't know if she should be with Bob.} You may be destroying two people's chance for happiness.
ChandlerWe don't know Bob! Ok? We know me. We like me. Please let me be happy.
RossGo over there and tell that woman the truth.
ChandlerAll right. (He gets up, but swings around the pole back to their table.)
RossGo.
(He walks over to Jade.)
ChandlerHi.
JadeHi.
ChandlerListen, I have to, uh, um, I have to, I have to confess something.
JadeYes?
ChandlerWhoever stood you up is a jerk.
JadeHow did you...
ChandlerI don't know. (He sits down.) I just had this weird sense. You know, but that's me. I'm weird and sensitive. Tissue? (Holds out one of this small packs.)
JadeThanks.
ChandlerNo, you keep the pack. I'm all cried out today.
(He looks over at Ross who glares at him.) A Restaurant, everyone except Chandler is seated at a table. RossOk, (holding up his glass) ok, here is to my sister, the newly-appointed head lunch chef...
MonicaWho is also in charge of purchasing.
RossNewly appointed head lunch chef who is also in charge of purchasing...
MonicaWho has her own little desk when Roland's not there.
RossUh, lunch chef, purchasing, own little desk when Roland's not there. Here's to my little sister-
MonicaOh-oh-oh, wait, and I got a beeper!
JoeyCool. (Joey, Rachel and Phoebe start to check it out.) (The original air date of this episode is October 19, 1995)
RossThat's fine, I'll-I'll just wait!
MonicaOh, sorry.
JoeySorry, sorry.
RossMonica!
(They clink their glasses.)
WaiterAre we ready to order?
RachelOh, you know what, we haven't even looked yet.
WaiterWell, when you do, just let me know. I'll be right over there on the edge of my seat.
Phoebe(to Joey and Rachel) Wow, look at these prices.
RachelYeah, these are pretty ch-ching.
JoeyYou know, what are these, like famous chickens?
ChandlerHey, sorry I'm late. Congratulations, Mon. (to Ross) I'm not sorry I'm late. How incredible was my afternoon with Jade?
Ross(to Chandler behind their menus) Well, pretty incredible according to the message she left you on my machine. Hey, Chandler, why is this woman leaving a message for you on my machine?
ChandlerOh, see, I had to tell her that my number was your number, because I couldn't tell her that my number was my number because she thinks that my number is Bob's number.
RossHey, tell me again, what do I do when Mr. Roper calls?
WaiterDo I dare ask?
MonicaYes, I will start with the carpaccio, and then I'll have the grilled prawns.
RossThat sounds great. Same for me.
WaiterAnd for the gentleman?
JoeyYeah, I'll have the Thai chicken pizza. But, hey, look, if I get it without the nuts and leeks and stuff, is it cheaper?
WaiterYou'd think, wouldn't you? Miss?
RachelOk, I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad.
Waiter(whispers) And what would that be on the side of?
RachelUh, I don't know. Why don't you just put it right here next to my water?
WaiterAnd for you?
PhoebeUm, I'm gonna have a cup of the cucumber soup, and, um, take care.
ChandlerI will have the uh, Cajun catfish.
WaiterAnything else?
ChandlerYes, how about a verse of Killing Me Softly. You're gonna sneeze on my fish, aren't you?
[Time lapse, everyone has finished dinner and Ross is figuring out the bill.]
Chandler(Stroking his belly.) Woah! Did anybody feel like they just gave birth to an alien?
Ross and Monica(with enthusiasm) Yes!
Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey(with less enthusiasm) No.
Ross(using calculator) Plus tip, divided by six. And everyone owes 28 bucks.
ChandlerOk.
RachelUm, everyone?
RossOh, you're right, I'm sorry.
JoeyThank you.
RossMonica's big night, she shouldn't pay.
MonicaOh, thank you!
RossSo five of us is, 33.50 apiece.
PhoebeNo, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen.
ChandlerWhoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
PhoebeI'm sorry, Monica, I'm really happy you got promoted, but cold cucumber mush for thirty-something bucks? Huh, no! Rachel just had that-that-that little salad, and, and Joey with his like teeny pizza! It's just...
RossOk, Pheebs! Shh, shh, how about we each, we each just pay for what we had, ok? It's-it's no big deal.
PhoebeNot for you.
MonicaAll right, what's going on?
Rachel(to Joey and Phoebe) Ok, look you guys, I really don't wanna get into this right now. I think it'll just make everyone uncomfortable.
AllFine. All right, all right, you know. Wh? What?
JoeyYeah.
ChandlerYou can tell us.
RossYeah, Hel-hello, it's us, all right? We'll be fine.
MonicaYeah!
Joey(clearing his throat a lot) Ok, um, uh, we three feel like, that uh, (clears his throat) sometimes you-you guys don't get that uh... (clears his throat) (long pause) We don't have as much money as you.
MonicaOk.
RossI hear ya.
ChandlerWe can talk about that.
PhoebeWell, then...Let's.
RossWell umm I, I guess I just never think of money as an issue.
RachelThat's 'cause you have it.
RossThat's a good point.
ChandlerSo, um, how come you guys haven't talked about this before?
Joey'Cause it's always something, you know, like with Monica's new job, or the whole Ross's birthday hoopla.
RossWha - Whoa, hey, I don't want my birthday to be the source of any kind of negative - there's gonna be a hoopla?
RachelBasically, there's the thing, and then there's the stuff after the thing.
MonicaIf it makes anybody feel better, then we can just forget the thing, and-and we'll just do the gift.
RossGif-gift? The thing's not the gift?
ChandlerNo, the thing was, we were gonna go see Hootie and the Blowfish.
RossHootie and the - oh my. I, I, I can catch them on the radio.
PhoebeNo, now I feel bad. You wanna go to the concert.
RossNo, look, hey, it's my birthday, and the important thing is that we all be together.
MonicaAll of us.
ChandlerTogether.
RossNot at the concert.
RachelOk.
JoeyYeah.
RachelThank you.
JoeyThanks.
PhoebeYeah.
(An awkward silence ensues.)
ChandlerSo, the Ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?
Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting in the living room as Monica, who's holding a bag, Ross, and Chandler stand before them. ChandlerGee, Monica, what's in the bag?
MonicaI don't know, Chandler. Let's take a look.
PhoebeOh, it's like a skit.
MonicaWhy, it's dinner for six. 5 steaks, and an eggplant for Phoebe.
RossWhoo!
PhoebeCool.
MonicaYeah, we switched meat suppliers at work, and the new guys gave me the steaks as sort of a thank you.
RossBut wait, there's more. Hey, Chandler, what is in the envelope?
Chandler(to the others) By the way, this didn't seem so dorky out in the hall.
RossCome on.
ChandlerWhy, it's six tickets to Hootie and the Blowfish! (Pause) The Blowfish!
MonicaIt's-it's on us, all right? so don't worry. This's-this's our treat.
PhoebeSo...Thank you.
RossCould you be less enthused?
JoeyLook, it's a nice gesture, it is. But it just feels like...
MonicaLike?
JoeyCharity.
MonicaCharity?
RossWe're just, we're just trying to do a nice thing here.
RachelYeah but Ross, you don't understand your nice thing makes us feel about this big. (Holds her thumb and forefinger a short distance apart.)
PhoebeActually, it makes us feel that big. (She squeezes Rachel's thumb and forefinger closer together.)
RossI don't, I don't understand. I mean, you, it's like we can't win with you guys.
ChandlerIf you guys feel this big (imitates Rachel's gesture), maybe that's not our fault. Maybe that's just how you feel.
JoeyOh, now you're telling us how we feel.
RachelGod, see, ok, we never shoulda talked about this.
PhoebeAlright, I'm-I'm just gonna pass on the concert, 'cause I'm just not in a very Hootie place right now.
RachelMe neither.
JoeyMe too.
MonicaGuys, we bought the tickets.
PhoebeOh, well, then you'll have extra seats you know, for all your tiaras and stuff.
Chandler(to Phoebe) Why did you look at me when you said that?
MonicaWell, I guess now, we can't go.
RachelWhat? Come on, you do what you wanna do. What? We always have to do everything together?
MonicaYou know what? You're right.
PhoebeFine.
RossFine. (Exits)
JoeyFine.
ChandlerFine. (Exits)
RachelFine.
MonicaAll right. We're gonna go. (Exits, then comes back in) It's not for another six hours. We're gonna go then. Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is standing at the fridge as Ross enters hiding Chandler behind the door. RossChandler!
Chandler(startling Ross) Yeah?
RossGeez! Are you ready?
ChandlerYes. Yes! Just let me grab my jacket and tell you I had sex today.
RossWhoa-whoa-whoa! What? You-you had sex today?
ChandlerWow, it sounds even cooler when somebody else says it. I was awesome, ok? She was biting her lip to stop from screaming.
RossWow!
ChandlerNow I know it's been awhile, but I took it as a good sign.
(The phone rings and Chandler doesn't answer it.)
RossStill doing the screening thing?
ChandlerI had sex today. I never have to answer that phone again.
MachineComes the beep, you know what to do.
JadeHey, Bob, it's Jade. Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I was really hurt when you didn't show up the other day, and just so you know, I ended up meeting a guy.
Chandler(answering the phone) Bob here.
JadeOh, hi.
ChandlerSo, uh, you met someone, huh?
JadeYes, yes, I did. In fact, I had sex with him 2 hours ago. (Chandler and Ross dance in joy.)
ChandlerSo, uh, how was he?
JadeEh.
(Pause)
ChandlerEh?
JadeOh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I'd to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.
ChandlerWell, that makes me feel so good.
JadeIt was just so awkward and bumpy.
Ross(silently mouthing) Bumpy?
ChandlerWell, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you'll have to get used to it.
JadeWell there really wasn't much time to get used to it if you know what I mean?
(Chandler grimaces.) The Concert, Ross, Monica, and Chandler are sitting in their seats looking at the three empty ones. MonicaYou know what? I'm not gonna be able to enjoy this.
RossYeah, I know, it's my birthday. We all should be here.
ChandlerSo let's go.
(They get up and start to leave, but the band starts to play.)
RossWell maybe, you know, maybe we should stay for one song.
ChandlerYeah, I mean, it would be rude to them (the band) for us to leave now.
MonicaYou know, the guys are probably having a great time. Monica and Rachel's, Joey is trying to entertain Phoebe and Rachel. Joey(holding a hand behind his back) Come on you guys, one more time.
PhoebeOk. One.
JoeyNooo. (He brings out his hand and is holding up two fingers.) The Concert, the show has ended and everyone is starting to leave. MonicaThat was amazing!
RossExcellent, that was excellent.
ChandlerI can't believe the guys missed this.
RossWhat guys? Oh, yeah.
Young ManExcuse me, you're Monica Geller aren't you?
MonicaDo I know you?
Young ManYou used to be my babysitter.
MonicaOh my God, little Stevie Fisher? How've you been?
SteveGood, good, I'm-I'm a lawyer now.
MonicaYou can't be a lawyer. You're eight.
SteveListen, it was nice to see you. I gotta run backstage.
MonicaUh, wait, backstage?
SteveOh, yeah, my firm represents the band.
Ross(introducing himself) Ross.
Chandler(introducing himself) Chandler.
SteveHow are you? Look, you guys wanna meet the group? (they all say "yeah we do") Come on. So, look, are you one of the ones who fooled around with my dad? Central Perk, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there as Ross, Monica, and Chandler enter. RossHey, you guys.
RachelHappy birthday.
RossOh, thank you, thanks. So uh, how was your night last night?
RachelOh, well, it pretty much sucked. How was yours?
MonicaYeah, ours pretty much sucked too, oh, but, I did run into little Stevie Fisher. Do you remember him?
RachelOh yeah. I used to babysit him. Hey, how's his dad?
MonicaGood.
RossUh, aside from that, the whole evening was pretty much a bust.
ChandlerYeah, we, we really missed you guys.
JoeyYeah, look-look, uh, we were just saying, this whole thing is so stupid.
PhoebeWe just, have to really, really, really, not let stuff like this, well money, get like (notices something on Monica's neck) - Is that a hickey?
MonicaOh, no, I just, I fell down.
RachelOn someone's lips? Where'd you get the hickey?
MonicaYou know, a party, or...
RachelWhat party?
RossWell, It-it wasn't a party, so much as a...a gathering of people, with food, and music, and, and-and the band.
JoeyYou partied with Hootie and the Blowfish?
ChandlerYes, apparently Stevie and Hootie are like this. (Holds up crossed fingers.)
RachelWho gave you that hickey?
MonicaThat would be the work of a Blowfish.
RachelOh!
PhoebeOh! I can't believe it. I can't believe this. Oh! We're just like, sitting at home, just trying to guess Joey's fingers, and you guys are out like partying and having fun, and you know, all, "Hey, Blowfish, suck on my neck" Aw!
RossEh look, don't blame us. You guys could've been there, you know.
RachelWhat, as part of your poor friends outreach program?
(Monica's pager goes off)
MonicaOh great, it's work. (To Ross) Can I? (Ross hands her the phone.)
ChandlerLook, I don't know what to say. I'm-I'm sorry that we make more money than you. But we're not gonna feel guilty about it. We work really hard for it.
JoeyAnd we don't work hard?
Monica(on phone) Yeah, hi, it's Monica. I just got a page.
ChandlerI'm just saying that we, sometimes we like to do stuff that costs a little more.
JoeyOh, and you feel like we hold you back.
ChandlerYes.
RachelOh!
ChandlerNo.
(Everyone starts bickering.)
MonicaLeon, Leon, wait. Shhh! Guys. (They quiet down.) Wait, I don't understand. Those steaks were just a gift from the meat vendor. That was not a kickback, all right? Come on, I'll just replace them and we can forget the whole thing. (Listens) What corporate policy? (Listens) No. (Listens) Yeah. (Listens) Ok. (Hangs up) I just got fired.
PhoebeOh.
(Everyone goes over to comfort Monica)
Waitress(To Monica) Here's your check. That'll be 4.12.
Joey(grabs the check) Let me get that. (To Chandler) You got five bucks? Chandler and Joey's, Joey is lying on the couch as the phone rings. He's also screening the calls. MachineHere comes the beep, you know what to do.
JadeHi, it's me. Listen, Bob. I'm-I'm probably way out of line here. I mean, It has been 3 years, and you're probably seeing someone else now, but if we could just have one night together, just for old time's sake, one hot, steamy, wild night...
(Joey lunges for phone and misses.)

Written by Chris Brown; Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips, with Minor Adjustments by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp