Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Chandler, Joey, Ross and Ben are there. Ben is sitting in his little rocking seat. MonicaWho da wenny-benny boy? You da the wenny-wenny-benny-benny boy, yes. (Ben starts crying.) Oh, don't cry, don't cry. (To Ross) Why is he still crying?
RossDon't worry, it's nothing that can't be solved by happy keys! (takes them out and starts rattling them in Ben's face)
JoeyYeah, I always feel much better when someone shakes jagged metal in my face.
Ross(puts his keys away) All right here, let me hold him for a sec. Here we go. (Ben stops crying) Huh? Huh? There we are.
MonicaMaybe it's me.
RossDon't be silly. Ben loves you. He's just being Mr. Crankypants.
ChandlerYou know, I once dated a Miss Crankypants. Lovely girl, kinda moody.
RossThere we go. All better. (gives Ben back to Monica)
MonicaHere, you're'my little boy. (Ben starts crying again)
ChandlerCan I uh, see something? (Takes Ben. When he puts him close to Monica, Ben cries. When he moves Ben away, he stops crying. He does that a couple times.)
MonicaHe hates me. My nephew hates me. I'm unemployed and my nephew hates me.
Ross Oh stop, don't do this. You're just unemployed.
MonicaWhat if my own baby hates me? Huh? What am I gonna do then?
ChandlerMonica, will you stop? This is nuts. Do you know how long it's gonna be before you actually have to deal with this problem? I mean, you don't even have a boyfriend yet. (Monica glares at him.) Joey, she does not look fat. Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Chandler has a basketball. Monica(to Chandler) Here you go. (Sets a drink down in front of him.)
ChandlerOh hey Monica. (He holds the basketball in front of Monica.)
Joey(imitating Ben) Waah!! (Chandler moves the basketball away) Goo, goo, goo. (Chandler moves the basketball in front of Monica again.) Waaah!
MonicaThat is so funny. Let me see that a sec. (She throws the ball out the window)
(Ross starts to make some gurgling sounds.)
JoeyYou ok, Ross?
RossI don't know. What's in this pie?
MonicaUh, I-I don't know, butter, and eggs, flour, lime, kiwi...
RossKiwi? Kiwi? You said it was a key lime pie.
MonicaNo I didn't, I said kiwi lime. That's what makes it so special.
RossThat's what's gonna kill me. I'm allergic to kiwi.
MonicaNo you're not. You're, you're allergic to lobster and peanuts and...
MonicaOh my God.
RossUgh. It's definitely getting worse.
MonicaOk, all right, is your tongue swelling up?
RossEither that or my mouth is getting smaller.
MonicaAll right, get your coat, we're gonna go to hospital.
JoeyIs he gonna be ok?
MonicaYeah, he's just gotta get a shot.
Ross(sitting back down) Uh, you know, you know, actually it's getting better. It is. It is. Let's not go. Anyone up for Thcrabble?
MonicaJacket now.
RossBut, what-what-what about Ben? We can't bring a baby to a hospital.
JoeyWe'll watch him. 
RossI don't think tho.
JoeyWhat? I have seven Catholic sisters. I've taken care of hundreds of kids. Come on, we wanna do it, don't we?
ChandlerWell, I was looking forward to playing basketball, but I guess that's out the window.
RossOk, well, if you do take him out for a walk, just might wanna bring his hat, ok? And there's extra milk in the fridge, extra diapers in the bag.
JoeyHat, milk, got it.
MonicaLet's go.
RossOk. And (speech garbled) Thro up a thro thro ... a thro thro!
JoeyConsider it done.
ChandlerYou understood that?
JoeyYeah, my uncle Sal has a really big tongue.
ChandlerIs he the one with the beautiful wife? Central Perk, Rachel is doing some cleaning as Phoebe sits on the couch with her guitar. PhoebeHey Rach, wanna hear the new song I'm thinking of singing this afternoon? I wrote it this morning in the shower.
Phoebe(singing) I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song. Stop me if you've heard it. My skin is soapy, and my hair is wet, and Tegrin spelled backward is Nirget.
TerryUh, Rachel, sweetheart, could I see you for a minute?
RachelWhat's up?
TerryF.Y.I.. I've decided to pay a professional musician to play in here on Sunday afternoons. Her name is Stephanie... something. I, she's supposed to be very good.
RachelBut, what about Phoebe?
TerryRachel, it's not that your friend is bad, it's-it's that she's so bad, she makes me want to put my finger through my eye into my brain and swirl it around.
RachelOk, ok, so you're not a fan, but I mean, come on, you cannot do this to her.
TerryUh... (Points at Rachel.)
RachelOh, no no no no. Oh no no no no. I have to do this to her?
Phoebe(singing) Lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, repeat, and lather, rinse, needed. A Street, Chandler and Joey are loaded down with baby stuff, and Ben. ChandlerYou know, I don't think we brought enough stuff. Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?
JoeyI'm telling you, It's gonna be worth it. It's a known fact that women love babies, all right? Women love guys who love babies. It's that whole sensitive thing. Quick, aim him at that pack of babes over there. Maybe one of them will break away. No, no wait, forget them, we got one, hard left. All right, gimme the baby.
ChandlerNo, I got him.
JoeyCome on, seriously.
ChandlerOh, seriously you want him?
Chandler and JoeyHello.
WomanAnd who is this little cutie pie?
ChandlerWell, don't, don't think me immodest, but, me?
JoeyYou wanna smell him?
WomanI assume we're talking about the baby now.
JoeyOh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.
Woman(She smells his head.) I think my uterus just skipped a beat.
Joey(to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
WomanI think it's great you guys are doing this.
ChandlerWell, we are great guys.
WomanYou know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through? Central Perk, Rachel has just broken the news to Phoebe. PhoebeBut, but this is my gig. I mean, this is where I play. My, my name is written out there in chalk. You know, you can't just erase chalk.
RachelHoney, I'm sorry.
PhoebeAnd he's going to be paying this woman? Why doesn't he just give her like a throne, and a crown, and like a, you know, gold stick with a ball on top.
RachelTerry is a jerk, ok? That's why we're always saying "Terry's a jerk!" That's where that came from.
PhoebeYeah, ok. You probably did everything you could, so.
RachelOk, you know what, lemme, let me just see what else I can do. (She goes over to Terry.) All right, look, look. Why don't you just let her go on after Stephanie whatever-her-name-is. I mean, you won't be here. You don't pay her. It's not gonna cost you anything.
TerryI, I don't know.
RachelCome on, Terry, I'll even clean the cappuccino machine.
TerryYou don't clean the cappuccino machine?
RachelOf course I clean it. I mean, I,I will cleeeean it. I mean, I will cleeeean it.
TerryOh, all right, fine, fine, fine.
(Rachel goes back to Phoebe.)
RachelYeah. Who's working for you babe?
PhoebeOh! Oh my God. Oh this is so exciting.
RachelI know.
PhoebeHow much am I gonna get?
PhoebeWell, you said that he's paying the people who are playing, so?
RachelOh, no, no no. I meant that he's gonna be paying that other woman because she's a professional.
PhoebeWell, I'm not gonna be the only one who's not getting paid.
RachelWell, but Pheebs...
PhoebeNo, huh uh, I'm sorry, no. No, I'm not some like sloppy second, you know, charity band. And, you know what, there are thousands of places in this city where people would be happy to pay to hear me play.
[Time Lapse, Phoebe is on the sidewalk in front of Central Perk singing.]
Phoebe(singing, angrily) When I play, I play for me, I don't need your charity. (Someone puts a coin in her guitar case) Thank you! La la la la la la la.... The Hospital, Ross and Monica are waiting for the doctor. RossWell, there's no way I'm gonna get a shot. Maybe they can take the needle you know and thquirt it into my mouth, you know, like a thquirt gun.
MonicaHoney, why don't we just wait and see what the doctor says.
RossWell they've got to be able to do thomething. I mean these are the 90s!
Doctor(entering) Hello, there. I'm Dr. Carlin. I see someone's having a little allergic reaction.
MonicaDoctor, can I see you for just a moment please? My brother uh, has a slight phobia about needles.
Ross(to Monica) Did you tell him about my-my thquirt gun idea?
MonicaMy brother, the PhD, would like to know if there's any way to treat this orally.
DoctorNo, under these circumstances it has to be an injection, and it has to be now.
(Monica shakes her head.)
MonicaThat's good, have a seat. Um, the doctor says it's gotta be a needle. So you're just gonna have to be brave, ok? Can you do that for me?
MonicaOk. Oh boy. You are doing so good, yeah. Ok, you wanna squeeze my hand?
MonicaOk. (He grabs her hand.) All right, Ross, don't squeeze it so hard. Honey, really, don't squeeze it so hard! (The doctor puts in the needle.) Oh, Ross! Let go of my hand! A Street, Chandler and Joey are still trying to pick up women with Ben. ChandlerThat's a good plan, Joe. Next time we wanna pick up women, we should just go to the park and make out. Taxi, taxi!
JoeyHey, hey, look at that talent. (Motions to two girls waiting for the bus.)
Chandler(to taxi driver) Just practicing. You're good. Carry on.
(Chandler and Joey run to get on the bus.)
JoeyWait! Wait!
[Cut to on the bus.]
Girl No. 1Hey, you. He's just adorable.
ChandlerOh, can you tell him that, because he thinks he looks too pink.
Girl No. 2So what are you guys out doing today?
JoeyOh we're not out. No, no. We're just uh, two heterosexual guys, hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doing the usual straight guy stuff.
Chandler(to Joey) You done?
Girl No. 1Oh, there's our stop.
JoeyGet outta here. This is our stop.
Girl No. 2You guys live around here too?
JoeyOh, yeah, yeah, sure. We live in the building by the uh sidewalk.
ChandlerYou know it?
JoeyHey, look, since we're neighbors and all, what do you say we uh, get together for a drink?
(They all get off the bus.)
Girl No. 1So uh, you wanna go to Marquel's?
ChandlerOh, sure, they love us over there.
Girl No. 2Hey, where's your baby?
Chandler and Joey(running after bus) Ben! Ben!
ChandlerOh, that's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord.
Chandler and JoeyStop the bus! Wait! Wait! Wait!
(They run around and corner and see three buses pulling away.)
The Hospital. Monica and Ross are getting Monica's hand looked at. MonicaAre you sure he didn't break it 'cause it really hurts?
DoctorNo, it's just a good bone bruise. And, right here (pointing to the X-ray) is the puncture wound from your ring.
RossOh, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. Sorry. Mm! Sorry! Hey! I got my s's back...which we can celebrate later. Celebrate, celebrate. (Monica elbows him.) Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is still singing. Phoebe(singing) ... was the double double double-jointed boy. (A woman carrying a guitar case walks up.) Hey. So um, are you the professional guitar player?
StephanieYeah. I'm Stephanie.
PhoebeOh, right, yeah. My name was on there (The chalk sign out front), but now it just says "carrot cake". So, um, so um, how many chords do you know?
StephanieAll of them.
PhoebeOh yeah, so you know D?
PhoebeOk, do you know A minor?
PhoebeOk, do you know how to go from D to A minor?
PhoebeOk. Um, so does your guitar have a strap?
PhoebeOh. Mine does. (singing) Stephanie knows all the chords. (makes a face)
A Street, Chandler and Joey are standing in front of a pay phone. Chandler(on pay phone) Come on, pick up, pick up! Hello? Transit Authority? Yes, hello. I'm doing research for a book, and I was wondering what somebody might do if they left a baby on a city bus. (Listens) Yes I do realize that would be a very stupid character.
Joey(grabbing the phone) Hi, here's the deal. We lost a carseat on a bus today. It's white plastic, with a handle, and it fits onto a stroller. Oh, and there was a baby in it. (Listens) (to Chandler) He wants to talk to you again. Central Perk, Rachel is introducing Stephanie. RachelOk, everybody, let's give a uh nice warm Central Perk welcome to...
Phoebe(outside singing angrily) Terry's a jerk, and he won't let me work, and I hate Central Perk! {So I go berserk, and screw the clerk! :-)}
RachelUh, to Stephanie Schiffer.
StephanieThank you. I'd like to start with a song that I wrote for the first man I ever loved. (singing) Zachary.
Phoebe(singing/screaming) You're all invited to bite me! City of New York Department of Health Services, Chandler and Joey run in. Chandler and Joey(simultaneously) Hi. We're the guys who called about the baby. We left the baby on ths bus. Is he here? Is he here?
Health Services GuyHe's here. (Chandler and Joey hug each other in relief) I'm assuming one of you is the father.
ChandlerThat's me.
JoeyI'm him.
ChandlerActually, uh, we're-we're both the father. (Puts his arm around Joey)
[Cut to a back room, Chandler and Joey run into it and over to two different cribs with two different babies.]
Chandler and JoeyOh, Ben! Hey, buddy!
ChandlerPlease tell me you know which one is our baby.
JoeyWell, well that one has ducks on his T-shirt, and this one has clowns. And Ben was definitely wearing ducks.
JoeyOr clowns. Oh, oh wait. That one's definitely Ben. Remember, he had that cute little mole by his mouth.
ChandlerHey, Ben, remember us? Ok, the mole came off.
ChandlerWhat're we gonna do? What're we gonna do?
JoeyUh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.
ChandlerOh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
JoeyYou got a better idea?
ChandlerAll right, call it in the air.
ChandlerHeads it is.
JoeyYes! Whew!
ChandlerWe have to assign heads to something.
JoeyRight. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
ChandlerWhat kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday? Central Perk, Rachel is standing by the door and looking at Phoebe counting her money as Stephanie is singing. Stephanie(singing)
("Angel of the Morning" is a popular song written by Chip Taylor that has been recorded numerous times... [Wiki]}
There'll be no strings to bind your hand
Not if my love can't bind your heart
There's no need to take a stand
For it was I who chose to start
I see no reason to take me home
I'm old enough to face the dawn
Just call me angel of the morning angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning angel
Then slowly turn away
I won't beg you to stay with me
Maybe the Sun's light will be dim
So it won't matter anyhow
If morning's echo says we've sinned
Well, it was what I wanted now
And if we're the victims of the night
I won't be blinded by the light
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Then slowly turn away
I won't beg you to stay with me
Through the tears of the pain
Of the years, baby baby baby,baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, oh baby
Just call me angel of the morning, angel
Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby, baby oh baby
(Rachel goes outside.)
PhoebeOh, hi.
RachelHere. I thought you might be cold. (Hands her a cup of coffee.)
PhoebeThank you.
RachelWhoa, look at you, you did pretty well.
PhoebeEight dollars and 27 cents. But not really, 'cause I put in the first two, just to, you know, get the ball rolling, and to make myself feel better.
RachelDo you?
PhoebeNo. You know this whole like playing-for-money thing is so not good for me. You know, I don't know, when I sang "Su-Su-Suicide," I got like, I got a dollar seventy-five. But then, "Smelly Cat," I got 25 cents and a condom. So you know, now I just feel really bad for Smelly Cat.
RachelWell, you know, honey, I don't, I don't think everybody gets Smelly Cat. You know, I mean, if-if all you've ever actually had are-are healthy pets, then, whoosh! (Waves her hand over her head.) (whoosh - move very fast with a soft rushing sound. Image an idea, "a cat that is smelly", whooshes like a bullet over your head, so you don't get it.)
PhoebeBut It's not even that, you know. It's just, I know I used to do my songs 'cause it made me happy, now it's like, it's just all about the money, you know.
RachelWell, people missed you in there. And in fact, there was actually a request for "Smelly Cat."
PhoebeReally? From who?
RachelWell, me. And I know it's not your, you know, big money song, but it's my favorite.
(A kid runs up, who looks like, or will look a lot like Phoebe's brother.)
KidHi. Uh, did I accidentally drop a condom in your case? It's kind of an emergency.
PhoebeYeah. Here you go.
KidHey thanks a lot. Hey Christine, I got it!
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are sitting on the couch. RossI just wanna thank you for being there for me today. And I'm sorry I,I almost broke your hand.
MonicaThat's ok. I'm sorry I poisoned you.
RossYeah. Hey, remember the time I jammed that pencil into your hand?
MonicaRemember it? What do you think this is, a freckle? (Points to her hand.)
MonicaWait, what about the time that I hit you in the face with the Silvian's pumpkin?
RossOh, man. Oh, remember when I stuck that broom in your bike spokes, and you flipped over and hit your head on the curb?
MonicaNo. But I remember people telling me about it.
RossI hope Ben has a little sister.
MonicaYeah. And I hope she can kick his ass.
RossI'm gonna get a new Band-Aid. Hey, how about the time I cut the legs off your Malibu Ken?
MonicaThat was you?!
RossThey, uh, were infected. He wouldn't have made it.
(Chandler and Joey enter with what they hope is Ben.)
MonicaAw, my little nephew. Come here, little one. Aw, there's my little baby Ben. Hey, my little boy. (She picks him up.) Hey, he's not crying.
Chandler(looking fearfully at Joey) Hey, he's not crying.
(Ben starts crying)
JoeyYes! (Monica looks at him.) (Points at the table) There's still pie. (Laughs)
RossI'm here. How's my little boy? Huh? Huh? You want daddy to change your diaper? I know, I know, so, did you have fun with Uncle Joey and Uncle Chandler today?
JoeyOh, yeah, he rode the bus today.
RossOhhh. Well, big boy, riding the bu- Hey, I have a question. How come it says Property of Human Services on his butt?
ChandlerYou, you are gonna love this.
Ross(to Monica) Could you hold Ben for a sec? (Hands Ben off and starts to chase Joey and Chandler.) Come here. Come here.
Chandler(picking up the pie) Stay back, I've got kiwi. Run, Joey, Run! Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Smelly Cat to Stephanie. Stephanie(singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
PhoebeNo, no, no. I'm sorry. It's "smelly cat, smel-ly cat."
StephanieSmelly cat, smel-ly cat...
PhoebeBetter. Yeah.
PhoebeYeah, much better. Good. And you know what, don't0don't feel bad, 'cause it's a hard song.
PhoebeYou wanna try it again?
StephanieYeah. From the top?
PhoebeOk, there is no top, all right? That's-that's the beauty of Smelly Cat. Um, why don't you just follow me?
PhoebeMmmm hmmm.
TogetherSmelly Cat, Smelly Cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat, it's not your fault.
(Stephanie does a little riff on her guitar.)
PhoebeThat's too much. Sorry.

Written by Betsy Borns; Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips, with Minor Adjustments by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp