Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is sitting at the couches, Chandler enters.
ChandlerOK, what is it about me? Do I not look fun enough? Is there something... repellant... about me?
RossSo how was the party?
ChandlerWell it couldn't 've been worse. A woman literally passed through me. OK, so what is it, am I hideously unattractive?
PhoebeNo, you are not, you are very attractive. You know what, I go through the exact same thing. Every time I put on a little weight, I start questioning everything.
ChandlerWoah, woah, I've, I've put on a little weight?
PhoebeNo, not wieght... you know, more like insulation.
MonicaChandler, I'm unemployed and in dire need of a project. You wanna work out? I-I can remake you.
ChandlerOh, you know, I would, but that might get in the way of my lying around time.
AllCome on. Let her do it. Yeah.
ChandlerAlright, OK, alright. But if we put on Spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm going home.
PhoebeYour boobs are fine. Look, I never should've said anything. Come here. Come here. (hugs Chandler but holds her hands apart behind his back) Oh, can't make... hands.. meet..
Hallway between the apartments. Chandler comes out wearing spandex, jogging in place. Monica is there.
ChandlerOK, let's do it. (Monica looks at him funnily) What?
MonicaNothing, just never seen you in little stretchy pants before. It's cute!
ChandlerAnd we're changing. (jogs back in his apartment)
[Cut to the city street. Monica and Chandler are jogging. Chandler is lagging behind so he hops in a cab and takes off, leaving Monica behind]
Back in Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler is doing sit-ups.
MonicaCome on give me five more. Five more.
MonicaFive more and I'll flash you.
ChandlerOne... two... two and a half. OK, just show me one of them.
Central Perk. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch. Rachel is working.
Chandler(slowly lifts coffee cup to his mouth) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. (slowly sets the cup back down) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. (Joey intercepts the cup and puts it down for him.) She's insane, the woman is insane. It's before work, it's after work, it's during work. She's got me doing butt clenches at my desk. And now, they won't bring me my mail anymore.
JoeyJust tell her you wanna stop.
ChandlerI can't, ok? While she is out of work, I'm all she's got. That's why I was thinking maybe we can all pitch in and buy her her own restaurant.
RachelHey Pheebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?
PhoebeOh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restaurant, ordered champagne, nice.
JoeyThe guy still won't put out, huh?
PhoebeNope, zilch, nothing, uh-uh.
PhoebeLook, I, you know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him a lot, you know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and why won't he give it up?
JoeyMaybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the road, if you know what I mean.
PhoebeNo, what'd you mean? He's not British.
JoeyMaybe he's... gay.
PhoebeOohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we went, um, dancing the other night and just the way he held me so close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like... definitely felt something.
RachelYeah, but how much can you tell from a look?
PhoebeNo, I felt it on my hip. I can tell.
Monica[to Chandler] Yo, Bing. Racquetball in 20 minutes.
ChandlerJoey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it.
Phoebe[seeing Ross kissing Julie outside the window] Ooh, oh, Rachel, don't look.
RachelWhat? (looks, feigns indifference) Come on you guys, I don't care, I have a date tonight.
JoeyWoah, woah, woah, you have a date?
RachelYeah, Monica set me up.
JoeyBut uh, what about uh, Ross and uh...?
RachelOh what, my whole insane jealousy thing? Well, you know, as much fun as that was, I've decided to opt for sanity.
ChandlerSo you really OK about all this?
RachelOh yeah, Come on, I'm moving on. He can press her up against that window as much as he wants. For all I care, throw her through the damn thing.
[Ross and Julie enter.]
RossOh, Monica, I figured I'd come by tomorrow morning and pick up Fluffy's old cat toy, so ok?
MonicaOnly if you say his full name.
Ross(reluctantly) Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy Meowington's cat toy.
Joey(to Ross) You're getting a cat?
RossUh, actually, we're getting a cat.
RachelBoth of you?
JulieYeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and with me half the time.
RachelOhh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really, really, really long time.
RachelWell. (looks at watch) Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really good cat. (she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in) OK, we're not supposed to take these when we leave.
A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael.
MichaelI don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.
Rachel(distracted) How long do cats live?
Michael(confused) I'm sorry?
RachelCats, how long do they live figuring you don't... you know, throw them under a bus or something?
MichaelUm, maybe 15, 16 years.
RachelThat's just great. (she picks up her champagne and starts drinking.)
RachelOh, right, clink. (downs her glass.)
MichaelMonica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?
RachelOh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.
MichaelOh, that does sound...Ahh.
RachelI mean he just started going out with her.
MichaelIs this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?
RachelAh, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.
RachelOK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?
Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.
PhoebeSo, I figured it out.
PhoebeWhy Scott doesn't wanna sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.
JoeyPhoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."
PhoebeReally? So sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended you know, so sweet.
JoeyPheebs look, if you wanna know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.
PhoebeYou're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yum. (They hug.)
[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start punching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]
Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.
Rachel(obviously drunk) I mean it's a cat, you know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, you know, one of those fruit flies, those things that live for like a day or something? (belligerently) What're they called, what're they called, what're they called?
RachelYes! Thank you.
[The waiter comes to the table.]
WAITERSo, would you like any dessert?
MichaelNo! No dessert, just the check, please.
RachelOh no, you're not having fun, are you?
MichaelNo, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
RachelOh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his... Julie.
MichaelLook, do you want a piece of pie or something?
RachelNo! Ah! Too late for that man. I have just screwed this all up. I just want to get over him. God, I just, why can't I do that?
MichaelOy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me, you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.
RachelYeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?
MichaelWell, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."
RachelOver you, that's what it is. Closure. (She looks around the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone) Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel... woo [she almost falls out of her chair]
RachelHello, excuse me, hi.
RachelHi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.
RachelI can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. (The man is still reluctant) OK, you're being a little weird about your phone.
Guy(On the phone) I'll call you back. (Hands the phone to her)
RachelThank you. (To Michael in a drunk way) I am so good with people. (Dials) Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
Rachel(on phone) Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And you know, you see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I, am, over you, and that, my friend, is what they call closure. (Hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket)
Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.
ChandlerNo, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
ChandlerBecause it's Sunday. It's God's day.
MonicaOK, you say stop, we stop.
MonicaNo, Come on, we can't stop, Come on, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo (Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica) Woo.
Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.
RossOh. And how was the date?
RachelUmm, I think there was a restaurant... I know there was wine...
[Rachel looks at Ross as though she remembers something, but can't place what it is.]
RossWow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toys, did Monica say... What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?
RachelI'm sor, I don't know, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember.
RossOK. Oh-oh-oh. (runs over and picks up the cat toy)
RachelDid we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?
RossNo, I stayed at Julie's last night.
RossOh, actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?
RachelOh yeah, go ahead. (Rachel walks in her room. Ross picks up the phone and dials his machine to check his messages.)
RossRach, I got a message from you. (pauses) Who's Michael?
[Rachel comes out of her room, suddenly she remembers leaving the message.]
RachelOh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the... (jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him. Ross has a confused expression on his face.)
RossYou're over me?
RachelOhhhhhhhh God. (climbs off his back)
RossWha... you're, you're, you're over me?
RossWhen, when were you... under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you, uh... What?
RachelOhh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.
RossYou've, had feelings for me?
RachelYeah, what, so? You had feelings for me first.
RossWoah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had... you know?
RachelChandler told me.
RossChandler. When did he... when did he... when did he?
RachelWhen you were in China.
RossJulie. Julie. That's. Oh God. Julie, Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, you know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, and, I'm gonna walk, I'm walking and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha... and now, now, now you're over me?
RachelAre you over me?
[A moment of silence.]
Ross[doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju... Julie, Julie. [talks on intercom] Hi Julie.
Julie[over intercom] Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.
Ross(perky) I'll be right down.
RachelWait, so, you're going?
RossWell, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, you know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.
Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.
PhoebeHow come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
JoeyI can't find the remote. (Phoebe turns off the TV) Thank you.
PhoebeSo, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.
PhoebeAnd we did.
JoeyAll right Pheebs, way to go.
JoeySo, so how did it happen?
PhoebeWell, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.
JoeyAnd what'd he say?
PhoebeHe said he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I was gonna get all, you know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the next day' and, you know, 'where is this going' and, you know, blah-la-la-la-la, yeah. He said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.
PhoebeYeah, so, I said, "OK, relax please," you know, I mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, you know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking... I convinced him.
JoeyLet me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you think that this was a great idea.
JoeyThis man is my God.
Ross and Julie are at the pound looking for a cat.
Julie (Looking at a cat in a cage) Ooh, this one is cute, don't you think?
RossYeah. This one's cute and-and that one's cute (points to a cat) and that one's cute. (points to another cat). They're all cute. They're kittens. Let's just wrap it up and get the hell out of here.
JulieAre you ok?
Ross(With a worried look) Yeah me, me? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
JulieRoss, honey, hey..I know that this a big step for us but I've got a feeling we're gonna be ok.
RossYeah I know. I know. (to the worker) So um, do you have any cats that are really old or incredibly sick?
(The worker gives him a strange look.)
JulieRoss? I don't want one that is about to die.
RossOh see, now we should've worked that out before we came down here.
JulieOook sweetie I am gonna to narrow it down to this one over here (points to one) and this one with the stripes, ok?
RossYeah, Uh-huh, yeah.
RossUhm Wh, hey, I uh, I have to pick?
JulieYeah, whichever one you want!
RossOh I um..I don't know. I mean it's not that easy to choose. You know? I mean both-both cats are-are beautiful and um..funny...you know I am sure I'd be happy with either cat. I-I just..
JulieWell, do you wanna take both?
RossBoth? Both? I can't have two cats-I mean..Joey's the kinda guy who can have two cats.
Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in. Get your Kleenex.
RossI didn't get a cat.
RachelOh, that's um, interesting.
RossNo, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting. It's actually 100 percent completely the opposite of interesting.
RachelAlright, I got it Ross.
RossYou had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
RossI was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
RachelHey, I was doing great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
RossWell then you should have said something before I met her.
RachelI didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.
RossThere was never a good time.
RachelRight, you, you only had a year. And we only hung out every night.
RossNot, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's not like I didn't try, Rachel, but all things got in the way, you know? Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiancés or, or, or Italian guys.
RachelHey, there was one Italian guy, OK? and do you even have a point?
RossThe point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It's, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.
RachelOk so what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?
RossHey, I've been doing it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.
RachelAlright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross?
RachelI don't need your stupid ship.
RachelGood. (Ross leaves)
[Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling after him.]
RachelAnd you know what, now I got closure.
[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.]
RossTry the bottom one.
[She opens the door and they kiss.]
Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler answers the door to find Monica.
ChandlerMonica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over.
MonicaNo way, with one pound to go, Come on. We're working, we're moving, we're in the zone we're grooving.
ChandlerOK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret.
MonicaOoh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?
ChandlerNothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.
ChandlerI mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.
MonicaWell, you know.
ChandlerYou know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.
ChandlerAnd it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.
MonicaWell no, but um.
ChandlerI mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.
Monica(Sits down) You know, I try to stay positive...
ChandlerSo, you, you feel like going for a run?
ChandlerBecause, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.
MonicaOK. Just for a little while.
ChandlerOK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room]
Written by Michael Borkow; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp