Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel are there, discussing the night before. RachelRoss kissed me.
MonicaOh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
RachelIt was unbelievable!
MonicaOh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
PhoebeOk, all right. We wanna hear everything. Monica, get the wine and unplug the phone. Rachel, does this end well or do we need to get tissues?
RachelOh, it ended very well.
Monica(getting the wine) Do not start without me. Do not start without me.
PhoebeOk, all right, let's hear about the kiss. Was it like, was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a, you know, a "I gotta have you now" kind of thing?
RachelWell, at first it was really intense, you know. And then, oh, God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
PhoebeOk, so, ok, was he holding you? Or-or was his hand like on your back you know?
RachelNo, actually first they were, they started on my waist. And then, they slid up, and then, they were in my hair.
Phoebe and MonicaOhh! Ross' apartment. Ross, Chandler, and Joey are there eating pizza. RossAnd, uh, and then I kissed her.
Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, Monica, and Chandler are there; Chandler is showing everyone his new computer. ChandlerAll right, check out this bad boy. 12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 bps.
PhoebeWow. What are you gonna use it for?
Chandler(doggedly) Games and stuff.
Monica(reading the paper) There are no jobs. There are no jobs for me.
Joey(reading over her shoulder) Oh wait, here's one. Uh, would you be willing to cook naked?
MonicaThere's an ad for a naked chef?
JoeyNo, but if you're willing to cook naked, then you might be willing to dance naked. And then... (rubs his fingers together {money})
(Ross enters, distraught.)
PhoebeHey, oh, so,'d you make out last night?
RossThat, that is funny. That is painfully funny. No, wait. Wait, yeah, that's just painful.
MonicaWait a minute. I thought last night was-was great.
RossYeah, it was, but...I get home, ok, and I see Julie's saline solution on my night table. And I'm thinking to myself, oh my God, what the hell am I doing? I mean, here I am, I am with Julie, this incredible, great woman, who I care about and-and who cares about me, and I'm like, what, am I just gonna throw all that away?
JoeyYou got all that from saline solution?
ChandlerAhh, I'm the same way. Show me a bottle of Visine and I am like “Woah, who am I!”.
MonicaWait, we are talking about Rachel here. You and Rachel.
RossOh believe me, I've been dreaming about me and Rachel for like ten years now. But now, I'm with Julie, you know, so it's like me and Julie, me and Rachel, me and Julie, me and... (Rachel enters, carrying a tray)... Rachel. Rachel, Rachel.
Rachel(to Ross) Hey, you.
RossHow are you?
RachelGood. How are you?
(Julie enters.) 
JulieHi, honey.
RossHi, Julie. (nervous) Hi, Julie. Julie, um, how are you?
Ross(uncomfortable) Good, so everybody's here. Everybody's good.....good and great in here! So, were you gonna play something, Phoebe?
PhoebeOh, well, actually.
Ross(impatient) Play it.
PhoebeAll right.
JoeyHey, Julie, I didn't know you wore lenses.
Ross(to Joey) Ssshh.
PhoebeOk, um, hi, hello, hi, ok, so, um, this is a song uh about a love triangle between three people that I made up. Um, it's called, um, "Two of Them Kissed Last Night".
(Ross and Rachel look at each other and then at Phoebe, realizing the song is about their situation.)
Phoebe(singing) There was a girl, we'll call her Betty, and a guy let's call him Neil. Now I can't stress this point too strongly, this story isn't real. Now our Neil must decide, who will be the girl that he casts aside. Will Betty be the one who he loves truly? Or will it be the one who we'll call Ju...Loolie? He must decide, he must decide, even though I made him up, he must decide! Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there about a job. Mr. RatstatterThis is a nice résumé. Nice, nice, nice. Muy impressivo.
MonicaShame none of that is true. (laughs a bit) I'm kidding. I'm kidding. No it's all true. I'm just a little a little nervous, that's all. I'm fine now. Uh, so Mr. Rastatter, what exactly does this job entail? The ad wasn't too clear.
Mr. RatstatterMockolate.
MonicaUhm, I'm sorry?
Mr. RatstatterMockolate. It's a completely synthetic chocolate substitute.
(He pulls out a piece of Mockolate.)
Mr. RatstatterGo ahead. Try a piece. Yeah, we think that Mockolate is even better than chocolate.
MonicaAll right. Mmm-mmm.
(She tastes it, and obviously hates it.)
Mr. RatstatterYeah?
Monica(disgusted, trying not to show it) I love how it crumbles. Now see, chocolate doesn't do that.
Mr. RatstatterNo, ma'am. Well, anyhoo, we should be getting our FDA approval any day now, hopefully, in time for Thanksgiving. See, the way we look at it, chocolate already dominates most of your major food-preparation holidays: Easter, Christmas, what have you.
Monica(still chewing) Mmm-mmm.
Mr. RatstatterBut, we're thinking, given the right marketing, we can make Thanksgiving the Mockolate holiday.
Mr. RatstatterAren't you gonna swallow that?
MonicaJust waiting for it to stop bubbling.
Mr. RatstatterYeah, isn't that great?
Monica(with false enthusiasm) Mmm.
Mr. RatstatterWell, anyhoo, um, we are looking for a couple of chefs who can create some Thanksgiving-themed recipes. You think you might be interested?
MonicaAbso...(swallows hard)...lutely. See, I love creating new recipes. I love Thanksgiving. And, well, now, I love Mockolate.
Mr. RatstatterReally?
MonicaEspecially the after taste, you know, I'll tell ya, that'll last till Christmas. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are there. Monica is suggesting Mockolate recipes to Phoebe. MonicaHow about Mockolate mousse?
PhoebeIt's not, it's not very Thanksgiving-y.
MonicaOk, how about Pilgrim Mockolate mousse?
PhoebeWhat makes it Pilgrim?
MonicaWe'll put buckles on it.
(Rachel enters.)
RachelDid uh, Ross call?
MonicaNo, I'm sorry.
RachelOh, why didn't he call? He's gonna stay with Julie, isn't he? He's gonna stay with her and she's gonna be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."
PhoebeNo offense, but that sounds nothing like her. Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is up in arms about the Rachel/Julie situation. RossI don't know what to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
ChandlerOh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's just small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
JoeyHey, here's a thought, Ross. (reaches for the computer)
ChandlerDon't touch the computer. Don't ever touch computer.
JoeyRoss, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.
ChandlerStill have another word if you wanna use.
RossOh hey, I-I think I know what it is: 'Help'.
ChandlerOk, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. (eyes Joey to stop touching his computer) Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
RossCan't we just use a pen?
ChandlerNo, Amish boy.
JoeyAlright, let's uh, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. Rachel first.
RossI don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she is, she is a little spoiled sometimes.
JoeyYou could say that.
RossYeah. I guess, you know, sometimes, she's, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've-I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and like Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, right? but Rachel's just a waitress.
ChandlerWaitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
RossI don't know.
JoeyOh, her ankles are a little chubby.
ChandlerOk, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
Ross(long pause) She's not Rachel. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica has made food for Phoebe and Rachel to taste. MonicaOk, this is pumpkin pie with mockolate cookie crumb crust. This is mockolate cranberry cake, and these are mockolate chip cookies. Just like the Indians served.
(Rachel and Phoebe takes a bite.)
RachelOh my God.
MonicaOh my God good?
RachelOh my God, I can't believe you let me put this in my mouth.
(Rachel runs to the sink to spit it out.)
PhoebeOh, oh sweet Lord! Oh, this is what evil must taste like! Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is on the phone with a computer hotline. ChandlerI'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?
(Ross enters with a melancholy look.)
Joey(to Ross) Hey, so how'd it go with Julie? Did you, did you break her heart?
RossYes, it was horrible. She cried. I cried. She threw things, they hit me. Anyway, I did the right thing.
Chandler(in phone) So, Spock actually hugs his father?
(Rachel enters.)
RachelHey, do you guys have...(sees Ross, pauses)...hi.
Rachel(sees his coat on) Where you gone?
RossI uh, I just got back from uh, from Julie's.
Rachel(dejected) Oh.
RossNo, no, uh, it's not what you think. It's um it's the other thing.
RachelWell, what's the other thing, what do I think?
(Joey is looking at Rachel, smiling, and gesturing his head towards Ross.)
RossWell, uh.
JoeyHe broke up with Julie. Well, go hug her, for God's sakes.
RossReally. It's always been you, Rach.
(Ross and Rachel hug.)
RachelOh, God.
Joey and ChandlerOhhh.
RachelOh, oh, this is good, this is really good.
RossI know, I know, it's, it's almost...(turns around, sees Chandler and Joey) What do you say we go take a walk, just us, not them?
RachelOk, let me get my coat.
RossOk. No, hey, whoa, whoa, I'll get your coat.
(Ross leaves.)
RachelOk, he's going to get my coat. He's going to get my coat. Oh my God, you guys. I can't believe this. This is unbelievable. (notices Chandler's computer screen) What's that?
Chandler(nervous) What? Nothing.
(Chandler closes up the laptop computer screen.)
RachelWhat? I saw my name. What is it?
ChandlerNo, no, see? See? (the printer starts to run) Hey, it's printing. (to Joey, rattled) Hey, it's printing!
(Chandler rips off the sheet of paper from the printer.)
RachelWell what is it? Let me see.
(Ross walks back in, Rachel's coat in hand.)
RossHey, someone ordered a coat?
RachelRoss, Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see.
RossHe won't? (remembers what it is) He won't! Because, isn't that, isn't that the, the-the short story you were writing?
ChandlerYes, yes it is, short story, that I was writing.
RachelAnd I'm in it? Then let me read it.
Chandler, Joey, and RossNo!
RachelCome on.
JoeyHey, uh, why don't you read it TO her?
(Ross and Chandler stare angrily at Joey, who thinks he has come up with a good idea.)
Chandler(through gritted teeth) Alright. (clears his throat) "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."
RossThat's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world.
RachelAll right, all right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.
RossNo, you don't.
RachelAll right, you know what, fine. If you guys wanna be children about this, that's fine. I do not need to see it. (Rachel grabs the paper and runs across the room, reading it to herself.)
RachelWhat is this? Ross, what is this?
ChandlerGood luck.
(Chandler and Joey leave quickly.)
RossOk, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?
RachelKind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?
RossNow that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.
RachelJust a waitress?
RossNo, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is-is this over yet? Rach?
RachelOh! I do not have chubby ankles!
(Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.)
RossNo, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.
RachelShe is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? That's some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.
(She goes into her apartment and slams the door.)
RossNo, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! It's-it's "She's not Rachel", she is, she is not, Ra-Rachel? Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there. ChandlerMy diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should've told her it was my diary, she never would've made me read her my diary.
MonicaYou know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.
PhoebeI... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.
JoeyHey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.
ChandlerOh good, I was hoping that would come up.
MonicaThis was your idea?
PhoebeWhat were you thinking?
Chandler(squirming) All right, let's-let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.
MonicaYeah. You!
ChandlerAll right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?
PhoebeListen, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window. RossRach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please!
Rachel(coldly) When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.
RossI just wanna read you something. It's your pro list.
RachelNot interested.
(Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.)
Ross(reading his list) Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben.
(Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.)
RossNumber six: the way you smell.
Joey(opens the drapes) Hey, Ross! What're you doing?
RossHey, Joey. You wanna open the window?
JoeyOh, yeah, Wait.
(He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.)
ChandlerWhat are you doing out there?
RossI am, uh, I am...
MonicaMy gosh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?
(Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.)
RossRach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on. You gotta give me another chance.
(Rachel opens the door.)
RachelThat's what I said.
ChandlerLook, maybe we should go?
RachelNo, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.
RossRach, come on, look, I know how you must-
Rachel(near tears) No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.
RossNo, but, but, see, I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.
RachelOh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. (to the others) I said don't go!
RossYou know what? You know what? If things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not wanna be with you.
RachelWell, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.
(She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.)
Joey(quietly) I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? (Ross stares blankly at him) Maybe a little longer. Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there. MonicaNow, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.
Mr. RatstatterDoesn't matter.
Mr. RatstatterOur FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.
MonicaOh gosh, I'm sorry.
Mr. RatstatterYeah, hell, anyhoo, here is your check. (hands it to her) Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
MonicaWell, uh, I ate some.
Mr. RatstatterOh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it? Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there. (Phone rings)
(Ross is at his apartment.)
Rachel(to Monica) Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighing me down.
Monica(to Ross) Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time.
RossLook, can, can you do something for me?
MonicaSure, what? Ok, ok. (hangs up the phone) (to Rachel) Music?
(Monica turns on the radio.)
RadioThe next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. ("With or Without You" plays)
{See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you
Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you}
(Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phone and starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.)
RadioUh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out. RadioThere's a room where I can go
And tell my secrets to
In my room, in my room
(In my room) [lyrics] [Wiki]}
Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there. Mr. RatstatterHi, thanks for coming in again.
MonicaOh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.
Mr. RatstatterIt's like I'm looking into a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one.
Mr. RatstatterYou're not allergic to anything, are you?
MonicaCat hair.
Mr. RatstatterOh, sorry.

Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane; Trascribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips (; Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp