The gang is walking to a newsstand late at night. Joey is anxiously in the lead.
RachelJoey, would you slow down? They're not gonna be sold out of papers at one o'clock in the morning.
JoeyI'm excited! I've never gotten reviewed before.
MonicaYou were so amazing as the king. I was really impressed, I was.
PhoebeAlthough, you know what? You might want to consider wearing underwear next time. Yeah, 'cause when you sat down on your throne you could kind of see your... royal subject.
RossCome on, no one wore underwear back then. I'm sure the critics appreciated your authenticity. (opens up his paper) (to Joey) Nice genitals by the way.
JoeyThanks man! Here it is, here it is. (reading from newspaper) The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani's disturbingly unskilled portrayal of the king.
ChandlerOK, look, that is one guy's opinion, alright. Pheebs, read yours.
PhoebeOK. (reading) The only thing worse than the mindless, adolescent direction was Joseph Tribbiani...
ChandlerDoes anyone have one from a different paper? Ross, read yours.
RossI don't want to.
Joey(reading) The only enjoyable moment is when the king is beheaded and he can speak no more.
RachelJoey, honey, they don't know what they're talking about.
JoeyMaybe they do. I've been doing this ten years and I haven't gotten anywhere. There's gotta be a reason.
RossOh come on. Maybe you're just, uhhh... paying your dues.
JoeyNo, no, no, it's, it's too hard. It's not worth it. I quit.
Rachel and RossOh come on. Easy.
MonicaWait, wait, wait, wait, wait one minute. Wait a minute. I believe this will change your mind. (Reads from paper) In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiana was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... continued on page 153...(turns it) sucking.
Chandler, Phoebe, Rachel, Monica comforting Joey at Monica and Rachel's apartment.
RachelWell, was there anything else you ever wanted to be?
JoeyI don't know. When I was little, I wanted to be a veterinarian, but then I found out you had to put your hands into the cows and stuff.
(Ross enters, depressed.)
PhoebeAre-are you OK?
RossYeah, yeah, just a tough day at work, you know. A stegosaurus fell over, trapped a kid. Whoa, whoa, I know this jacket, this is, th--Fun Bobby's jacket! Where is he, what. He, he's here, isn't he?
RossDon't toy with me.
(Fun Bobby enters from Monica's bedroom.)
RossHey, Fun Bobby!
Fun BobbyHey. Whoa, hey, you've been working out, huh?
RossNot at all! I love this guy. Hey, I was so psyched to hear you're back with my sister!
MonicaYou and me both.
Fun BobbyHey, so what'd I miss, what'd I miss, come on?
PhoebeOh, we were just trying to make Joey feel better.
Fun BobbyHey, do you need me to pick you up?
JoeyNo, I'm all right man, really.
Fun BobbyNo, I'm picking you up.
JoeyHey no, seriously, I don't need you to pick me... (Fun Bobby picks Joey up off the ground, bounces him. Joey laughs.) Alright! It still works.
Fun BobbyOK, now before I go, does anybody else need to be picked up? (everyone raises their hands except Chandler) I'm still gonna go.
MonicaOK, I'll see you later baby.
Fun BobbyUh, public display of affection coming up. You can avert your eyes. (kisses Monica)
(Chandler and Joey are watching, Rachel turns their heads away from Monica.)
Fun BobbySee you. (exits)
AllBye! See you later!
PhoebeFun Bobby is so great.
MonicaOh, isn't he? Oh, you know, I really think this time it may work with him. I mean, he just makes me feel so good and I've been feeling so lousy, you know, last couple of months, no job, no boyfriend. Well, at least my cup is half full.
PhoebeHalf full of looooovvvvve.
MonicaAnd for our two-week anniversary, he's gonna take me to his cousin's cabin for the weekend.
PhoebeCabin of loooooovvvvve.
RachelWe went through a lot of wine tonight, you guys. (walks over to table, holding five empty wine bottles)
MonicaReally? I only had two glasses.
JoeyI just had a glass.
RachelI had one glass.
ChandlerI had about a mugful in this lovely 'I got boned at the Museum of Natural History' mug.
RachelOK, so that's... that's what, two bottles? And yet somehow we went through five?
(All look towards door Fun Bobby left through.)
Joey(realizing what everyone else did a minute ago) Ohhh.
MonicaSo what. So he drank a lot tonight.
RossYeah but, you know, now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen Fun Bobby without a... a drink in his hand.
PhoebeYeah. Oh, OOh, yeah, you know, did you notice how he always starts his stories with, um, OK, 'I was so wasted,' or, 'Oh, we were so bummed,' or, um, ooh, ooh, 'So I wake up, and I'm in this dumpster in Connecticut.'
JoeyMonica, have you ever been with him when he wasn't drinking?
MonicaWell, we just happen to go to a lot of places where you might drink. I mean, how do you go to a wine tasting without having a drink? Or... or to a club, or to the... zoo.
Monica, Fun Bobby, and Phoebe sitting in Central Perk. Rachel is serving them. She brings a mug to Monica.
MonicaThanks. Rach, does this have nonfat milk?
RachelEhhhummmm, I-I don't know, why don't you taste it.
Monica(takes a sip) Mmmm, no.
RachelOh well, too late, sorry, you already had some.
Fun Bobby(pulls out a flask) What'd you say we make these, uh, coffees Irish?
(Phoebe and Rachel look uncomfortable.)
RachelYeah, we're gonna... we're gonna get some cake. (Phoebe and Rachel go to counter.)
MonicaYou know what? It seems like you've been making an awful lot of stuff Irish lately.
Fun BobbyWell, I would make them Belgian, but the waffles are hard to get into that flask.
Fun BobbyYeah, OK.
MonicaLook, maybe this is none of my business, or maybe it is, I don't know... but, uh, I'm kinda worried about you.
Fun BobbyOK, look, this isn't the first time somebody's said something to me about this, but, I don't know... I always made excuses about it, like... uhhh... 'I'm just a social drinker,' or, 'Come on, it's Flag Day.'
MonicaSo, what are you saying now?
Fun BobbyI guess I'm saying, I'll try and quit. I kinda like that you worry about me. (they hug)
Phoebe(comes back to couch, with cake) Sooo, what's going on, huh?
Fun BobbyI, am gonna try and quit drinking.
(Chandler and Joey enter.)
ChandlerGuess who's back in show business.
PhoebeOhh, ohh, Lorne Greene?
ChandlerNo, no, Pheebs. You know why? 'Cause he's dead.
ChandlerOK, I guess this is gonna seem kinda bittersweet now, but... Joey, that's who.
JoeyYeah, my agent just called me with an audition for Days of Our Lives!
Fun Bobby(raises his flask) Here's to Joey! (everyone stares at him and decides to hand the flask to Joey) Here Joey! (Joey just sets it on the table.)
PhoebeOh, well, we have to celebrate. You know what we should do? We should do, like, a soap opera theme.
ChandlerHey, yeah... we could all sleep together and then one of us could get amnesia.
PhoebeHey Rach, what time do you get off? We're all gonna do something tonight.
RachelUmm.... well, actually I'm already done, but I...I kinda got plans.
Monica(gasps) You have other friends?
RachelYeah... I, uhh... I have a... I have a date.
PhoebeYou have a date?
RachelYes. I have a date.
JoeyWith a man?
RachelNo with a crouton. What? What is so strange for me having a date?
ChandlerWith a crouton?
JoeyRach, what about Ross? I mean, are you still mad at him 'cause he made that list about you?
RachelNoooo, no, I'm not mad at him. I'm.. I'm not really anything at him anymore.
MonicaWhat are you talking about?
RachelI don't know. What-whatever I was feeling, I'm... not.
PhoebeBut you guys came so close.
RachelOh, I know, I'm sorry, you guys. You're just gonna have to get used to the fact that I will not be dating Ross.
(Russ enters Central Perk. He looks like Ross, except for his chin and hair (it is David Schwimmer in a dual role).)
RachelHere he is. Hi. Guys, this is Russ.
(Everyone looks at each other in amazement.)
Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Estelle's phone is ringing and she answers it.
EstelleEstelle Leonard Talent Agency! Oh Stanley, would you stop calling me already? No, no-no-no-no. I'm not saying you're not talented. You're very talented. It's just with the bird dead and all, there's very little act left. Oh, honey, give me a break, will y? (a knock on the door) Ohhh, ooh, I'll talk to you later.
EstelleWell, there's my favorite client. So tell me darling, how was the audition?
JoeyWell, I think it went pretty well. I.. I got a callback for Thursday.
EstelleJoey, have you ever seen me ecstatic?
EstelleWell, here it is. (She almost smiles.)
JoeyOK, uh.... listen, there's something I wanna talk to you about. The network casting lady...
EstelleOh, isn't Lori a doll?
JoeyYeah, yeah, she is great, but... I kinda got the feeling that she was sorta... coming on to me. And I definitely would get the part if I would've... you know... if I would've sent the Little General in.
EstelleOh, I see. Well, I'm just gonna put in a call here and we'll find out what's going on and straighten it out. (picks up the phone) Yeah, hi, Lori please. (pulls out her umbrella of cigarettes) (pause) Hi darling. So how about Joey Tribbiani for the part of the cab driver, isn't he terrific? (pause) Uh-huuuuh. (pause) Uh-huuuuh. OK, doll. Talk to you later. (hangs up) (to Joey) Yeah, you're gonna have to sleep with her.
Central Perk. Monica and Rachel at counter, Phoebe, Chandler, and Fun Bobby at the couch.
RachelWhat's the matter?
RachelWhat, isn't he sober?
MonicaOh, he's sober alright. Just turns out that Fun Bobby was fun for a reason.
(Monica returns to couch next to Fun Bobby.)
MonicaAll right, here you go, sweetie. (hands Fun Bobby his coffee)
Fun BobbyThanks. You wanna hear something funny?
MonicaOh God, yes!
Fun BobbyThere are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
PhoebeThat is funny.
Fun BobbyI needed to buy a hammer the other night, and I'm out walking around the neighborhood, and I'm walking, and I'm walking, and I'm walking, and I'm walking....
Chandler(interrupts) Ok so you were saying you were walking.
Fun Bobbybut apparently there are no hardware stores open past midnight in the Village.
PhoebeHuh, so-so it's a helpful fact as well as funny. (mouths 'Good job!')
MonicaAhhh, say honey, don't you have to be at your interview now?
Fun BobbyOh yeah. See you guys. (leaves)
ChandlerBye... ridiculously dull Bobby.
MonicaOh... my... God.
PhoebeIt's not that bad.
MonicaNot that bad? Did you not hear the hammer story?
PhoebeOK, OK, don't get all squinky.
RachelMaybe it was just the kind of story where you have to be there.
MonicaBut I'm gonna be there... for the rest of my life. I mean, I can't break up with him. I'm the one who made him quit drinking. He's dull because of me.
PhoebeAll right, don't say that. He's probably always been dull. You just, you know, set it free.
(Russ enters, walking in behind Chandler.)
Chandler(turning around) Hey Ross.... bahhhh!
RachelHi Russ, I've just got two more tables to clean and then we'll go, OK?
RussOK, I'll just sit here and... uh... chat with your, uh.... friend-type....people.
(Phoebe walks up to Rachel, cleaning tables.)
PhoebeOK, so, you know what you're doing, right?
PhoebeWell, yeah, but... no. I mean, umm... doesn't.... doesn't Russ just remind you of-of someone?
Rachel(looks at him) Huh, Bob Saget?
Phoebe(looks at Russ) Oh, yeah! No, no, no, no, oh, oh.
(Phoebe turns back around but Rachel is gone. Ross enters.)
PhoebeOh, my, oh!
RossWhat? What's wrong?
MonicaShe's just upset because she, uh, she buttered a spider into her toast this morning.
RossHmm, all right.
Chandler(to Phoebe) Listen, Pheebs, this is gonna be OK. (introducing Russ and Ross) Ross, Russ. Russ, Ross.
RussAre you a, uh, friend of Rachel's?
RossYes, yes I am. Are you a, uh, a friend of Rachel's?
RussActually, I'm a... kind of a.... you know, a... date-type... thing... of Rachel's.
RussYeah, I'm her date.
RossOh, oh, you're... uh... you're, oh you're the date.
ChandlerYou know, this is actually good, because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.
RussOh, you are the, uh... paleontologist (Hits Ross on the shoulder with his paper).
RossYes, yes I am. And you are a.... (Hits Russ on the shoulder with his paper)
MonicaSee? They're as different as night and... later that night.
RossWell, I am going to, uh... get a beverage. It was nice, nice... uh... meeting you.
(Ross approaches Rachel at counter.)
RossI, uh, well... I... I met Russ.
RossHey, I didn't know we were, uh, seeing other people.
RachelWell, we're not seeing each other, so....
RossWell, uh, for your information, there's a woman at the museum, who's curator of moths and other... uh... winged things... who's, uh, let it be known that she is drawn to me much like a... well you know. But so far I've been keeping her at bay, but, uh, if this is the deal...
RachelWell, yeah, this is the deal.
RossOK, well, um, have a nice evening.
RachelThank you. (to Russ) Russ, you ready?
(Russ and Rachel leave together.)
Ross(upset) She's dating. She's dating?
ChandlerYes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?
RossWhat do you mean?
MonicaDo you not see it?
RossSee what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like, like, I don't know, uhh-huhh, hello, a week, to get out a sentence?
ChandlerYeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container in sight. Chandler enters.
ChandlerWhoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part, or... uh, Italy called and said it was hungry.
JoeyWell, the part's mine if I want it.
ChandlerOh my God!
JoeyYeah, if I'm willing to sleep with the casting lady.
Chandler(not knowing how to react) Oh my... God?
JoeyTen years I've been waiting for a break like this Chandler, ten years! I mean, Days of Our Lives. That's actually on television.
ChandlerSo, what're you gonna do?
JoeyWell, I guess I could sleep with her... I mean, how can I do that?
ChandlerWell, I... I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I need to know.
JoeyI've never slept with someone for a part.
ChandlerWell is she... (reaches into the cookie jar for a cookie, takes his hand out, covered with pasta sauce)
ChandlerIs she good-looking?
JoeyYeah, she's totally good looking. I mean, if I met her in a bar or something, I'd be buying her breakfast. (pause) You know, after having slept with her.
ChandlerYou know, maybe this isn't such a big deal. You know, I mean, the way that I see it is you get a great job and you get to have sex. You know, I mean, throw in a tree and a fat guy and you've got Christmas.
JoeyI just... I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, alright? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of.. you know, the Little General.
ChandlerDidn't you used to call it the Little Major?
JoeyYeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.
A restaurant. Fun Bobby and Monica are ordering.
WaiterCan I get you something from the bar?
MonicaYes, I would like something. (looks at Fun Bobby, changes her mind) No, no thank you.
Fun BobbyIf... if you wanna drink, it's OK with me, I've gotta get used to it.
MonicaNo, no really. I.. I wouldn't feel right about it. (to waiter) Just some water.
Fun BobbySo the light went out in my refrigerator...
Monica(grabs waiter as he's leaving) I'd like a Scotch on the rocks with a twist. (to Fun Bobby) I'm sorry.
Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch between Russ and Ross, doing a crossword puzzle.
ChandlerHey, we're having some fun now, huh, Ross? Wanna do another one, huh Russ? OK... eleven letters, atomic element number 101... ends in ium.
Ross(condescendingly) Dysprosium? Try mendelevium.
ChandlerAnd weenie number two has it. Unless, of course, nine-down, Knights in White Satin was sung by the Doody Blues.
(Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter talking.)
PhoebeOk, you don't see it? You actually don't see it?
PhoebeOK, honey, you're dating Ross.
RachelNo, Pheebs. I'm dating Russ.
PhoebeRuss is Ross. Russ... Ross!
PhoebeOK, no one is named Sleeve.
RachelPhoebe, what the hell are you talking about? Other than their names being similar, I'm sorry, I do not see what you're seeing.
(They look over at Russ and Ross.)
Ross(to Russ) For your information, it's a card sharp, not a card shark.
RussYou could not be more wrong. You could try... but you would not be successful.
ChandlerOK, I'm gonna get some more coffee before the pinching and eye-poking begins.
RussI know what your problem is.
RossOh you do, do you?
RussUm-hum, you're jealous.
RossOf... of what?
RussYou're jealous because I'm a real doctor.
RossHey, you're a doctor of gums. That's the smallest body part you can major in. It's like day one, floss. Day two, here's your diploma.
RussHey, you listen.
RossNo, no, let me finish.
RussNo, let me finish.
RossNo, you let me fini...
(Rachel walks up behind them.)
RachelEwww, ewww, ewww, ewww! (turns away)
Ross, Phoebe, Rachel, and Chandler at Monica and Rachel's apartment.
RachelDid Joey say what he was gonna go when he left?
ChandlerNo, I don't even think he knew. Hey, would you sleep with somebody to get a great job?
RachelI don't know. Who would I have to sleep with?
RachelWhy would I have to sleep with you?
ChandlerIt's my game. You want the job or not?
(Monica enters from her bedroom.)
RossWhere're you going?
MonicaOh, Bobby and I are going away for the weekend, remember?
(Monica pulls out a bag full of airline bottles of liquor.)
PhoebeWhat's with all the bottles of liquor? Excuse me, Miss! In an event of a water landing, could this seat be used as a floatation device?
RossWhat's going on, is... uh, is Bobby drinking again?
MonicaOh no no, this is not for him, this is for me. That way he's still sober but I find his stories about shoelaces much more amusing.
(Three slow knocks on the door.)
RachelOh God, even his knock is boring.
(Monica answers the door. It's Fun Bobby.)
MonicaHi. I'll be ready in just a second.
Fun BobbyUh, can I talk to you a minute?
(They both step out into the hall.)
Fun BobbyThis is really hard for me to say.
MonicaOh God, you fell off the wagon.
Fun BobbyOh, no, no, it's about you.
MonicaWhat about me?
Fun BobbyI think you may have a drinking problem.
MonicaWhat? These? (holding up liquor bottles) Oh, these are, um, for.. cuts and scrapes.
Fun BobbyLook, I am just not strong enough to be in a co-dependent relationship right now, OK?
Fun BobbyWell, anyway, I hope we can be friends.
(They hug and kiss.)
Fun BobbyOk, you too.
(Fun Bobby leaves and Monica goes back inside.)
MonicaWell we... we kinda broke up.
(Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel all exchange money.)
Monica(holding bottles) Does anybody want these?
ChandlerI'll take one. Sometimes I like to hold stuff like this and pretend I'm a giant.
RossHow'd the callback go?
JoeyIt was unbelievable! I walked in there and she was all over me.
ChandlerSo what'd you do?
JoeyWell, I couldn't do it. I told her I didn't wanna get the part that way.
RossGood for you.
JoeyBut wait, wait, wait. Then, after I left her office, she caught up with me at the elevator and offered me an even bigger part.
JoeySoooooo... you are now looking at Dr. Drake Ramory, neurosurgeon, recurring in at least four episodes!
JoeyAlright... I've gotta go shower. (leaves)
(Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Chandler exchange money again.)
Central Perk. Russ enters. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.
RussI guess you guys heard, Rachel dumped me.
ChandlerYeah, I'm sorry man.
RussOh, all she said was that I remind her too much of somebody. You have any idea who she's talking about?
(Chandler and Phoebe feign ignorance.)
PhoebeOh I do, it's.... it's Bob Saget. She hates him.
(Julie... Ross's ex-girlfriend... enters.)
PhoebeHey, Julie! Hey, how are you doing?
JulieUm, oh, I don't know. I mean, it's definitely weird not being with Ross, but I guess I'm doing OK. Actually I've got some of his stuff that he, um....
(Russ and Julie look at each other with love in their eyes. The music builds...)
(Russ gets up)
JulieHave we met?
RussI don't think so.
JulieYou look real familiar.
RussWell maybe, uh, maybe we can talk about it over a cup of coffee.
JulieYou know what? I'm sick of coffee! Let's go get us some juice!
RussAll right. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Bye.
Phoebe and ChandlerBye.
(Russ and Julie exit as Phoebe and Chandler remain shocked)
Written by Ira Ungerlieder; Transcribed by Josh Hodge, with Minor Adjustments by Dan Silverstein; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp