Ross'. Carol and Susan are picking Ben up. RossOk. Here's his diaper bag, and his uh, Mr. Winky, and uh...oh, him. Hi!
CarolSo how did everything go?
RossOh, great. Great. There was a projectile, uh, throwing up incident, but he started it.
CarolWell, we've gotta go.
Susan(clears her throat)
CarolOh, right. Um, I've got some news. It's about us.
RossOh, you and me?
CarolUh, no, Susan and me.
SusanThe other us.
CarolWe're uh, we're getting married.
RossAs in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married?
CarolAnyway, we'd like you to come, but we totally understand if you don't want to.
RossYeah. Well, why wouldn't I wanna come? I had fun at the first wedding.
CarolLook, I just thought that...
RossNo no no, I mean, hey, why shouldn't I be happy for you? You know? I mean, what would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? I'm reveling baby, believe me!
SusanIs-is your finger caught in that chair?
RossMmm hmmm.
CarolWant us to go?
RossUh-huh. Monica and Rachel's. Joey, Chandler, and Ross are watching TV while Monica is on the phone. RossThis is so cool. You're actually gonna be on television.
JoeyI know. It really hit me last night. I'm gonna be on Days of Our Lives. And then I started thinking about all of us, and how these are the days of our lives..
Monica(hangs up the phone) Yes!
Ross, Chandler, and JoeyWhat?
MonicaCarol and Susan's caterer had a mountain bike accident this weekend, and she's in a full body cast.
Ross, Chandler, and JoeyYes!
MonicaThey want me to do it, which is really cool, seeing as I've never catered before, and I really need the money, and- (To Ross) this isn't a problem for you, is it?
RossWould it matter?
MonicaOh, you are so great! (Kisses him) Thank you!
JoeyAre you really not going?
RossI am really not going. I mean, I don't get it. They already live together, why do they need to get married?
MonicaBecause they love each other, and they wanna celebrate that love with the people that are close with them.
RossIf you wanna call that a reason.
Chandler(singing to the tune of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood) Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.
MonicaRoss, I thought you were over this.
RossLook, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If-if she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there.
JoeyHey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever.
Rachel(entering hurriedly) Did I miss it? Did I miss it?
JoeyNo no, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.
ChandlerWhoa, she is pretty.
JoeyYeah, and she's really nice too. She taught me all about, you know, how to work with the cameras, and smell-the-fart acting.
AllHuh. I'm sorry, what? Excuse me?
JoeyIt's like, you got so many lines to learn so fast, that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one. So while you're thinking of it, you take this big pause where you look all intense, you know, like this.
ChandlerOh, ok.
JoeyOh, here's my scene, there's my scene. (on TV) "Mrs. Wallace, I'm Dr. Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.
Mrs. WallaceYeah tell me, is she gonna be all right?
JoeyI'm afraid the situation is much dire than we expected. Your sister is suffering from a (making the smell-the-fart acting face)... a subcranial hematoma. Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee.
RachelThat's great!
ChandlerFor a minute there I thought you were actually trying to smell something.
[Time lapse. Joey is portraying his acting skills.]
RossThat is so good! Do it again!
JoeyAll right, all right. "Damn it Braverman, it's right there on the chart!"
ChandlerThat's great. All right, I gotta get to work, I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
RossNo no. No, that's me.
ChandlerOh, right.
(Ross opens the door and Phoebe is just standing there.)
RossOh, hello.
PhoebeOh, thanks. I couldn't uh...
RossIs everything ok?
PhoebeUm, no, huh-uh. One of my clients died on the massage table today.
RossOh my God.
ChandlerThat's a little more relaxed than you want 'em to get.
PhoebeYeah, uh-huh. Um, she was, you know, 82 years old. And uh, Her name was um, Mrs. Adelman.
MonicaOh, honey.
PhoebeYeah, it's just so strange. I mean, you know, she probably woke up this morning and thought, "All right, I'll have some breakfast, and then I'll take a little walk, and-and you know, then I'll have my massage." Little did she know God was thinking, "Ok, but that's it." Oh oh, but the weirdest thing was, ok, um, I was cleansing her aura when it happened, and when-when her spirit left her body, I don't think it went very far.
RachelWhat'd you mean?
PhoebeI-I think it went into me. (everyone steps back) Central Perk. Everyone is there. MonicaGod, this is so hard. I can't decide between lamb or duck.
ChandlerWell, of course, lambs are scarier. Otherwise the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.
RachelOk, who ordered what?
RossOh, I believe I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.
ChandlerYes, and this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf?
RachelOh God.
JoeyI can't believe you're so uptight about your mom coming.
RachelI know, but it's just it's the first time, and I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry, my life is total crap, you know?
Phoebe(Mrs. Adelman's voice) Talk about crap. Try listening to Stella Niedman tell the story of her and Rod Steiger for the hundredth time. I'm sorry. At least you guys don't have to hear the stuff she says in my head.
JoeyUh, Pheebs, how long do you think this lady'll be with us?
PhoebeI don't know. I mean, she obviously has some kind of unfinished business. (to Chandler in Mrs. Adelman's voice) Sit up! (he does do)
Mrs. Green(enter) There she is. [Marlo Thomas]
Mrs. GreenSweetie! So this is where you work? Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? But I guess that's the fun.
RachelPretty much.
Mrs. GreenMonica! You look gorgeous! Oh, my, the last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.
RachelUh, this is Joey, this is Phoebe, and this is Chandler, and you remember Ross.
Mrs. GreenOh hello, Ross.
RossHi, Mrs. Green. (He gets up to shake her hand, but she ignores him.)
Mrs. GreenSo, what do you think of my daughter in the apron with the big job?
RachelOh Mom!
Mrs. GreenOk. If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.
ChandlerBelieve me, sometimes that happens.
Mrs. GreenThis is just so exciting. You know, I never worked. I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house. I am just so proud of you.
RachelOh, really?
Mrs. GreenYes. Oh let's make a day of it. We'll have lunch, we'll shop, we'll get our nails done...whatever you want!
RachelOk, mom, uh I-I have to work.
Mrs. GreenWhat, no one else can pour coffee?
Phoebe(in Mrs. Adelman's voice) I know who it is you remind me of. Evelyn Dermer. 'Course that's before she got the lousy facelift. Now she looks like Soupy Sales.
JoeyPheebs, who's Evelyn Dermer?
PhoebeI don't know. Who's Soupy Sales? Monica and Rachel's. Rachel is in the kitchen, while Mrs. Green is looking through the big window. Mrs. GreenOh my God, there's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.
RachelYeah, well just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.
Mrs. Green(laughing) You have some life here, sweetie.
RachelI know. And mom, I realize you and daddy were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the big house in the suburbs with all the security and everything, but, God this is just so much better for me, you know?
Mrs. GreenI do know. You didn't love Barry, honey. And I've never seen you this happy. I look at you and I think, oh, this is what I want.
Mrs. GreenWell, not just for you.
RachelWell, what do you mean?
Mrs. GreenI'm uh, considering leaving your father.
Monica(entering) All right. Tell me if this is too cute. Lesbian wedding, chicken breasts.
RachelOh God. I think I'm gonna be sick.
MonicaWhy? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them!
[Time lapse. Rachel comes out of the restroom upset.]
Mrs. GreenOh, honey I am sorry. Please don't be mad at me. (nervously) Wh-what can I do? Do you want me to make those little Marshmallow treats you used to like? I can call up Carnel and find out how.
RachelMom, I just don't understand. I thought you were happy.
Mrs. GreenYeeeah. Well, so did I. But-but you know how sometimes you're driving on the highway and you get home and you can't actually remember having driven there.
Mrs. GreenThat's kind of my life's been like.
RachelUh, but couldn't you listen to the radio more?
Mrs. GreenI wish it were that easy. But then I see you here and I keep thinking "Why can't I have this? I want adventures, I wanna hang out, I want Chandler!"
RachelOh, No. Mom! Mom..., believe me Chandler is no reason to leave daddy! I mean....You think this looks like I am having a lot of fun but it's really hard, really hard. I-I got this lousy job. I barely know if I am gonna make rent, and forget about buying stuff.
Mrs. GreenOh honey, you don't understand. I'd be doing what you are doing...but with money. It's very different. Central Perk. Everyone is there comforting Rachel. RossAnd you had no idea they weren't getting along?
JoeyThey didn't fight a lot?
RachelNo! They didn't even talk to each other. God, how was I supposed to know they were having problems?
Phoebe(in Mrs. Adelman's voice) You know in my day, divorce was not an option.
JoeyHey, look who's up.
RachelOh, I just can't believe this is happening. I mean, when I was little, everybody's parents were getting divorced, you know? I just figured as a grownup I wouldn't have to worry about this.
MonicaWell is there any chance that you can look at this as flattering? I mean, she's doing it because she wants to be more like you.
RachelWell, then, you know, couldn't she've just copied my haircut?
ChandlerYou know, it's funny when my parents got divorced, they sent me to this shrink, and she told me that all kids have a tendency to blame themselves. But in your case it's actually kinda true.
PhoebeOh, that's him.
ChandlerDamn. My mail order grandfather hasn't come yet.
Mr. AdelmanPhoebe?
PhoebeYes, hi, Mr. Adelman.
Mr. AdelmanNice to see you.
PhoebeHi, thanks for meeting me.
Mr. AdelmanOh, that's all right, although you did cut into my very busy day of sitting.
PhoebeUm, do you wanna sit?
Mr. AdelmanOh, no no no, please, I spent most of mid-morning trying to stand up. Now uh, what can I do for you, my dear?
PhoebeOh, ok. I don't know how to say this, but um, I think when your wife's spirit left her body, it um, kind of stuck around in me.
Mr. AdelmanYou're saying, my wife is in you?
PhoebeYeah. Ok, you don't have to believe me but um, can you think of any unfinished business she might have had, like any reason she'd be hanging around?
Mr. AdelmanWell, I don't know what to tell you dear. The only thing I can think of is that she always used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.
Mr. AdelmanEverything.
PhoebeWhoa, that's a lot of stuff.
Mr. AdelmanOh, wait, I-I remember, she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.
PhoebeI'm sorry, there's laughing in my head.
Mr. Adelman(to Joey) Worth a shot, huh?
(Joey nods and shrugs.) Monica and Rachel's. Monica is in the pictures while Rachel and Mrs. Green are looking at pictures in the living room. Mrs. GreenLook at this.
RachelThese are Halloween, three years ago.
Mrs. GreenMy little Martini. I love your olive head. (Rachel laughs) Oh, look, here's Barry. Oh, did he have to come straight from the office?
RachelNo, that was his costume. See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist. Yeah, he thought that was really funny.
MonicaUm, you guys, remember when I said before, uh, "thank you, but I don't really need your help"?
RachelActually, what I think you said was, "don't touch that, and get the hell out of my kitchen."
MonicaReally? Weird. Anyway, see, I planned everything really well. I planned and I planned and I planned. It just turns out, I don't think I planned enough time to actually do it.
RachelHey, Mon, you want some help?
MonicaIf you want.
Phoebe(enters) Hey.
AllHey. Hey.
PhoebeWhat a day. Oh, I took her everywhere. The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center, Statue of Liberty.
RachelShe's still with you?
PhoebeYes. I guess she hasn't seen everything yet. Oh, I'll be right back, she has to go to the bathroom again. (Takes Mrs. Green's chin in her hand and says, in Mrs. Adelman's voice) Oh, such a pretty face.
Mrs. Green(Laughs) Oh, this is so much fun, just the girls. You know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana?
RachelGod! Oh, did my mother just ask if we had pot?
MonicaAll right, look, noone's smoking pot around all this food.
Mrs. GreenThat's fine. I never did it. I just thought I might. So, what's new in sex?
RachelOh! What's new in sex?
Mrs. GreenOh, the only man I've ever been with is your father.
MonicaI'm dicing, I'm dicing, I don't hear anything.
Mrs. GreenI-I mean, this is no offense to your dad, sweetie, but I was thinking there might be more.
RachelOh, I'm sorry. You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you.
Mrs. GreeneAll right, all right.
RachelI mean, God, you just come in here, you drop this bomb on me, before you even tell Daddy. What? What do you want? Do you want my blessing?
Mrs. GreenNo.
RachelYou want me to talk you out of it?
Mrs. GreenNo.
RachelThen what? What do you want?
Mrs. GreenWell I guess I figured of all people you would understand.
RachelWhy on earth would I understand this?
Mrs. GreenYou didn't marry your Barry honey, but I married mine. {Marry a guy you don't love (for what?), spend 20 years, and then get half the money? ↗alimony, wholesale, prostitute}
RachelOh. Monica and Rachel's. Everyone is there (minus Rachel) helping Monica in the kitchen, except Ross, who is sitting on the couch. MonicaAll right people, we're in trouble here. We've only got 12 hours and 36 minutes left. Move, move, move!
ChandlerMonica, I feel like you should have German subtitles.
MonicaJoey, speed it up!
JoeyI'm sorry, it's the pigs. they're reluctant to get in the blankets!
PhoebeMonica, how did this happen? I thought you had this all planned out.
MonicaDo you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry?
PhoebeSir! No sir!
Monica(to Ross) All right, you!
RossWhat? No. Look, I told you I am not a part of this thing.
MonicaAll right, look, Ross. I realize that you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you, I do. But if you don't help me cook, I'm gonna take a bunch of those little hot dogs and create a new appetizer called "pigs in Ross". All right, ball the melon.
ChandlerHey! How come I'm stuck dicing, when he gets to ball the melon.
(There's a knock at the door.)
CarolHi. How's it going?
MonicaIt's going great. Right on schedule. Got my little happy helpers. (Everyone groans.)
CarolThat's fine, whatever.
RossWhat's the matter?
CarolNothing. Ok, everything. I think we're calling off the wedding.
MonicaYou're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.
RossCarol, what's the matter? What happened?
CarolMy parents called this afternoon to say they weren't coming.
RossOh my God.
CarolI mean, I knew they were having trouble with this whole thing, but, but they're my parents. They're supposed to give me away and everything.
RossOk, I'm sorry.
CarolAnd then Susan and I got in this big fight because I said maybe we should call off the wedding, and then she said we were not doing it for them, we were doing it for us, and if I couldn't see that, then maybe we should call off the wedding. I don't know what to do.
RossI uh can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right.
CarolYou do?
RossLook, do you love her? And you don't have to be too emphatic about this.
Carol'Course I do.
RossWell then that's it. And if George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them. Look, I mean, if my parents didn't want me to marry you, no way that would've stopped me. Look, this is your wedding. Do it.
CarolYou're right. 'Course you're right.
MonicaSo we're back on?
CarolWe're back on.
MonicaYou heard the woman. Peel, chop, devil! Can't believe I lost 2 minutes! The Wedding Ceremony. JoeyIt just seems so futile, you know ? All these women, and nothing. I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly. {Joey, didn't you forget something? UNDERWEAR!}
ChandlerWell now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.
(Wedding music starts, and Phoebe noisily unwraps a piece of candy.)
Phoebe(in Mrs. Adelman's voice) Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.
(Monica pushes Ben down the aisle in a stroller. Susan is escorted by both her parents. Carol is escorted by Ross.)
CarolThank you.
RossAny time. (He doesn't want to let her go)
CarolRoss. (He lets her go)
MinisterYou know, nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love. Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.
Phoebe(in Mrs. Adelman's voice) Oh my God. Now I've seen everything! (regular voice) Whoa, she's gone. She's gone. She's gone! Go ahead, get married. Go, go.
[Time Lapse. At the reception, Monica and Ross watch Carol and Susan getting their picture taken.]
{Strangers in the night exchanging glances / Wondering in the night [lyrics] [Wiki]}
MonicaWould you look at them?
RossYeah, can't help but.
Joey(to Susan's father) How's that pig-in-the-blanket working out for you? (he nods) Yeah, I wrapped those bad boys.
Phoebe(to Chandler) I miss Rose.
ChandlerOh, yeah?
PhoebeI know it's kind of weird, but I mean, she was a big part of my life there, you know, and I don't know, I just feel kind of alone.
WomanYou know, I uh, I couldn't help but overhear what you just said, and I think it's time for you to forget about Rose, move on with your about we go get you a drink?
PhoebeOk, so nice.
(Chandler tries to warn Phoebe that the woman is coming on to her, but Phoebe doesn't see him.)
Chandler(to another woman) I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? (The woman walks away)
RachelHey, mom, are you having fun?
Mrs. GreenOh, am I! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman. And three other girls made eyes at me over the buffet. Oh, I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue, but it's nice to know I have options.
Rachel(to Monica) There's more alcohol, right?
(Susan approaches Ross, who's looking lonely.)
SusanHow you doing?
SusanYou did a good thing today.
SusanYou wanna dance?
RossNo, that's fine.
SusanCome on. I'll let you lead.
(They dance; Carol looks on lovingly.)
Chandler(to the woman who just rejected him) All right look. Penis schmenis. Ok? We're all people. (She walks away again.) Monica and Rachel's. The gang is there along with Ben. MonicaOk, which one of us do you think is gonna be the first one to get married?
RossUh Mon, I was married.
PhoebeYeah, me too, technically.
RachelI had a wedding.
MonicaAll right, just trying to start an interesting discussion.
JoeyI got one. Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? (They all look at Chandler.)
ChandlerIsn't-isn't Ben in this?
AllOh yeah, absolutely. 'Course he's in.

Written by Doty Abrams; Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp