In a TV commercial that the gang is watching at Monica and Rachel's. (A guy is sitting at his desk and his boss comes in and drops a huge pile of papers on his desk. The guy looks dejected.)
Commercial VoiceoverCan't get the monkey off your back? Then put it in your mouth...
(A monkey jumps on the desk and hands the guy a beer. He opens the beer and is suddenly on the beach, in a hammock, with beautiful women all around.)
Commercial VoiceoverWith MonkeyShine Beer. (MonkeyShine theme) MonkeyShine Beer, 'cause it's a jungle out there.
(Camera pansback from the TV to show the gang watching.)
RossThat commercial always makes me so sad.
JoeyYeah, but then the guy opens his beer and those girls run at him, so, everything seems to work out OK.
RossI meant because the monkey in it reminds me of Marcel.
PhoebeI can see that, 'cause they both have those big brown eyes and, you know, the little pouty chin.
MonicaAnd the fact that they're both monkeys.
RossSometimes I wonder if I did the right thing, you know, giving him away.
RachelOh, Ross, you had to, I mean, he was humping everything in sight. I mean, I have a Malibu Barbie that will no longer be wearing white to her wedding.
RossRemember when sometimes he'd borrow your hat, and, and when you got it back there'd be little monkey raisins in it. And he loved that joke.
ChandlerYeah, well sure, when he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat... all of a sudden I have this big "attitude problem". Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are at the couch. Joey(enters) Hey, hey, check it out, guess what I got.
JoeyNo, my first fan mail. Check it out.
AllAll right!
Monica(reading) 'Dear Dr. Ramoray, know that I love you and would do anything to have you.' Gosh. 'Your not-so-secretive admirer, Erica Ford.' Ooh wait, 'PS enclosed please find 14 of my eyelashes.'
RachelYou know, in crazy world, that means you're married. 
MonicaThis wasn't addressed to Days of Our Lives, this is, this came to your apartment. There's no stamp on it, this woman was in our building.
JoeyOh my god, I got my very own stalker.
ChandlerHey, you know, you are so lucky. I have to share mine with a bunch of guys down at work.
RachelOK, Joey, remember when we talked about good thing bad thing? This is a bad thing.
(Ross enters with a suitcase)
RossHey guys.
PhoebeOoh, where are you off to, Traveling Jake?
RossWell, there's this, uh, paleontology conference in L.A. so I figured I'd go and then drive down to the zoo and surprise Marcel.
ChandlerYou know I think he will be surprised, till he realizes he's a monkey, and uh, you know, isn't capable of that emotion.
(Rob enters)
RachelOh, Phoebe, that really cute guy is here again.
PhoebeOh, oh, OK, so everyone, pretend like I'm telling you a story, OK. And, and it's really funny. So everyone just laugh, now.
(Everyone laughs)
PhoebeI know, I know. (to Rob) Hello.
RobHi. I'm Rob Dohnen.
PhoebeHi Rob Dohnen.
RobI don't know anything about music, but I think you're really, really great.
PhoebeOh, wow.
RobAnyway, I schedule performers for the children's libraries around the city and I was just thinking, have you ever thought about playing your songs for kids?
PhoebeOh, I would love to have kids... you're, you're the, you're, me play the songs that I will write for them. Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are standing around in the kitchen. JoeyHey, what do you wanna do for dinner?
ChandlerWell we could just stay in and cook for ourselves. (both laugh hysterically)
(door buzzer goes off)
EricaIt's Erica.
JoeyAh, the stalker.
EricaNever mind, it's open.
Chandler(Joey grabs a frying pan) Yes, hitting her with a frying pan's a good idea. We might wanna have a backup plan, though, just in case she isn't a cartoon.
JoeyLet's get out of here.
(They run out and knock on Monica and Rachel's door)
ChandlerThe one time they're not home.
JoeyOK, OK, we'll just leave, and when we pass her on the stairs, she won't know it's me 'cause we've never met.
ChandlerThat's how radio stars escape stalkers.
JoeyShe's coming.
(Both run back in their apartment. There's a knock at the door.)
EricaIt's me.
JoeyUhh, this is it, this is how we're gonna die. Ready?
ChandlerWait, wait, wait. (Opens the top of the dish soap he's holding)
(Joey opens the door and sees Erica. Joey gets a huge smile and Chandler squeezed the dish soap in the air.)
JoeyErica. San Diego Zoo. Ross is at the Monkey cages. LipsonMr. Geller?
LipsonHi, Dean Lipson, zoo administrator. I was told you had a question.
RossWell, I uh, I can't seem to find the monkey I donated last year. He's a capuchin, answers to the name Marcel.
LipsonAhh, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Marcel has passed on.
RossOh my God, what happened?
LipsonWell he got sick, and then he got sicker, and then he got a little better but then he died.
RossI can't believe this.
LipsonI'm sorry Mr. Geller. But you know, there's an old saying, 'Sometimes monkeys die.' It's not a great saying but it certainly is fitting today.
RossWell, you know, someone should've called me.
LipsonI'm sorry. Look, I know this can't bring him back but here, it's just a gesture.
RossZoo dollars?
LipsonYes, and come see the bird show at 4. The macaws wear hats. Well it's a lot cuter if your monkey hasn't just died. Library. Phoebe is getting ready to sing for the kids. Chandler, Monica, and Rachel are there. (Phoebe pulls out her guitar)
PhoebeI know.
MonicaI can't believe Joey's having lunch with his stalker. I, What-what's she like.
ChandlerWell, you remember Kathy Bates in Misery?
Rachel and MonicaYeah.
ChandlerWell, she looks the exact opposite of that.
RachelAnd she's not crazy?
ChandlerOh no no no, she's a total whack job. Yeah, she thinks that Joey is actually Dr. Drake Ramoray.
RachelOh my God.
MonicaAh, and I mean, he's going out with her? He can not pursue this.
ChandlerHey, just because this woman thinks she can actually see Joey through the magical box in her living room doesn't mean she's not a person. I mean, does she not deserve happiness, does she not deserve love? What're you looking at me for? He's the one who wants to bop the maniac.
RobAre you OK?
PhoebeNo, uh-uh, I'm just, I'm nervous. So, you know what, maybe if I just, if I picture them all in their underwear.
RobThat's not a good idea, that's kinda the reason the last guy got fired.
PhoebeI'm just, I'm, I'm, I'm used to playing for grown-ups. You know, they just, grown-ups drink their coffee and do their grown-up thing, you know, and kids, listen. That's, it's is a huge responsibility. What? Are you gonna kiss me?
RossI was thinking about it.
PhoebeOK. (they kiss) Yeah OK, alrighty, let's play some tunes.
RachelOK, Let's go find our seats. (She and Monica get up to get a seat) Chandler, we're gonna find our seats.
Chandler(Sitting near a card catalog reading a book) Hold on a second. (reading) He thinks he can (turns the page) he thinks he can. Ahh what the hell (Skips to the end of the book) (relieved) He can.
PhoebeHi everybody, I'm Phoebe.
AllHi Phoebe.
PhoebeOK, um, I'm gonna play, um, some songs about grandparents, OK. (singing)
Now, grandma's a person who everyone likes
She bought you a train and a bright, shiny bike
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner
And last time you saw her she looked so much thinner
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru
But the truth is she died and some day you will too
La-la-la la la-la-la la la-la-la la... A nice restaurant. Joey and Erica are dining. Erica(reading the menu to the waiter) I'll have the grilled salmon. And the doctor, will have the risotto. Thank you.
EricaOh, Drake, isn't it amazing?
JoeyYeah it is... what?
EricaWell, here we sit, devil-may-care, just a little while ago you were reattaching Simone's spinal cord.
JoeyYeah, that was a tricky one. In reality, that operation takes like, over 10 hours, but they only showed it for 2 minutes.
EricaWho's they?
JoeyNo one.
EricaOh Drake, you are so talented, let me see those hands. Oh these hands, these beautiful hands, oh I could just eat them... but I won't.
JoeyGood, otherwise my watch would fall off. (Erica laughs hysterically)
EricaNo, seriously. These hands. These miracle, magical, life-giving hands. Oh, just to be near them, touch them, maybe even lick one?
JoeyAlright, just one. (she licks his hands rather emphatically) Wow, you're good at that.
(Some guy at another table starts choking)
WaiterOh my God! Someone, he's choking. Is anyone here a doctor?
EricaWell, yes, yes, the best doctor in all of Salem, Dr. Drake Ramoray. San Diego Zoo. Ross is still at the monkey cages. A janitor is sweeping. JanitorMeet me in the nocturnal house in 15 minutes.
RossUhh, hey look, I don't really enjoy being with other men that way. But, um, zoo dollars?
JanitorIt's about your monkey. It's alive.
(Ross slowly follows the janitor.) Restaurant. Joey and Erica are still there. EricaI don't understand, why didn't you help that man?
JoeyUhh, 'cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal chokage, you know. Alright, look, I gotta tell you something.
EricaNo, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Ramoray?
JoeyBut that's what...
EricaI should just be happy to be near you.
JoeyHey I- (she cuts him off with a kiss)
EricaHey what?
JoeyThat's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! (she starts nibbling his hand) Hey. Hey-hey. Library. Phoebe is singing. Phoebe(singing) There'll be times when you get older
When you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you...
But don't.
'Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do, everybody
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.
ChandlerYeah, informative!
RachelNot at all inappropriate!
PhoebeThank you for coming, everybody. There're cookies in the back.
RobThat was great, the kids loved you.
PhoebeYay, I rock.
RobAnd you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the truth. You were incredible.
PhoebeHmm, but.
RobHow did you know there was a but?
PhoebeI sense these things. It was either but or butter.
RobThe thing is, I think you know some of the parents, they were kinda hoping that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.
PhoebeI can do that.
RobBecause that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?
PhoebeI'm thinking about it. (they kiss) Ok, so if I get a library card can I take you out sometime?
(At the snack table, Monica is quickly putting all the cookies into her purse as a little girl just stares at her.)
MonicaWhat? I'm unemployed. (gives the girl a cookie anyways) San Diego Zoo. Ross and the Janitor are in the nocturnal house. JanitorAhh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless specter of the macabre.
RossBuddy, my monkey?
JanitorOh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken...along with a snowy egret, a two-toed sloth, and 3 hooded sweatshirts from the zoo gift shop.
RossOh my God. But the zoo told me my monkey was dead.
JanitorThe zoo! You believe everything the zoo tells you?
RossThat, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.
JanitorOf course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?
RossThat guy Lipson?
JanitorLipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?
RossNo, I, I only know Lipson.
JanitorHmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...
RossBuddy, my monkey, my monkey.
JanitorWord on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.
RossOf course.
JanitorYour monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.
RossThis is unbelievable.
JanitorSo, what is this information worth to you, my friend?
RossAre you trying to get me to bribe you?
RossBut you already told me everything. Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster. RossCheck it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.
RachelWell, so what're you gonna do?
RossWell, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.
ChandlerThat's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.
PhoebeOK, hi again.
AllHi Phoebe.
PhoebeToday we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals. (Singing)
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that's how we get hamburgers.
Nooowww, chickens! Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica and Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives. TV DoctorYou're the only one who can save her Drake.
Joey on TVDamn it, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.
RossWell, there goes my whole belief system.
(Knock at the door)
EricaIt's Erica.
JoeyOh my God, quick, turn off the TV.
RachelNo no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.
JoeyUh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.
RachelWell how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?
MonicaRachel, it's a world where Joey is a neurosurgeon.
JoeyHey Erica, come on in.
EricaHow did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?
JoeyRight, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?
EricaOhh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?
EricaSabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.
JoeyIt's not what you think, that was...
EricaYou told me I was the only one. (throws a glass of water in his face)
JoeyAll right look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore all right? Look, I know I should've told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Ramoray, OK. I'm not even a doctor; I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.
EricaOh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?
JoeySomebody wanna help me out here?
RachelOh, I know, I know. (Turns on the TV. Joey is on it.)
TVWhere am I? University hospital. The same place you've been for the last eighteen years.
EricaHow, how can you be here and there.
Joey'Cause it's a television show.
EricaDrake, what're you getting at?
ChandlerNice girl; not great with concepts.
JoeyI'm not Drake.
RossThat's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin.
EricaIs this true?
RachelYes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. (throws water in his face)
MonicaAnd then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. (throws water in his face)
ChandlerAnd you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. (throws water in his face)
EricaIs all this true?
JoeyYes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy for you.
EricaOh Hans. (They kiss)
RossHans...Hans...Yo evil twin.
JoeyRight. Uh, goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care.
EricaI'll never forget you Hans. (Joey shuts the door in her face)
JoeyOK, all right, the people who threw the water..
RachelHey, hey, helping you out, helping you out. Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch. PhoebeFired! Why?
RobThe library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.
PhoebeI can't believe it. This is the library. you know? I mean, books, free speech. You know, newspapers on sticks.
RobI know.
PhoebeI mean, what about the kids? you know, did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?
PhoebeI see.
RobMaybe if you just played some regular kiddy songs.
PhoebeNo. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?
RobI'm not saying you have to be Barney.
PhoebeWho's Barney? Central Perk. Everyone is there. Ross(entering) Hey, you're never gonna believe this...
ChandlerOoh let me guess...
RossWhat? What? Some Weebles actually do fall down? Huh, a stitch in time only saves seven? What you got?
ChandlerHuh! Never mind.
RossWell, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.
RachelYou're kidding.
MonicaOh my God.
JoeyThis is amazing.
RossI know.
JoeyI finally get a part on TV and the monkey's making movies.
PhoebeOK, Rachel, I'm ready.
(A little kid enters)
Kid'Scuse me. Is this where the singing lady is to tells the truth?
PhoebeUm, yeah I guess that's me.
Kid(shouting out the door) She's here.
(A rush of kids enter)
[Time lapse.]
Phoebe(Singing) Sometimes men love women,
Sometimes men love men,
And then there are bisexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves.
La la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la... City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set. RossThis is so exciting; I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
ChandlerWhat, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
Security GuardCome on people, back up please, back up, come on, come on, come on, come on.
RossUh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?
Security GuardI'm sorry guys, closed set.
RossUh, I'm sorry, you-you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.
Security GuardYeah, and I have a timeshare in the Pocanos with Flipper.
MonicaRoss, there he is.
RossHey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. (Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing) In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. (No reaction from Marcel; Monica and Joey urge him on) In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. (Marcel looks over and everyone joins in) a-weema-way, a-weema-way....(Joey sings a high pitched note; Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder) The next time at the movie set. Security GuardUh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...
JoeyClosed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. (guard lets them in)
RossGood morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. (Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground)
JoeyWoah, dude, burn.
RossI don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
TrainerHey don't take it personal; he's under a lot of pressure, you know, starring in a movie and all.
RachelNow just how big of a star is Marcel?
TrainerIn human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.

Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp