The next time at the movie set. TrainerIn human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.
AllWoah. Really?
Chandler(to guys wearing yellow isolation suits) So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
Director's AssistantHey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway stand.
JoeyUh, 'scuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
Director's AssistantThe one in the director's chair.
JoeyGotcha. Pheebs, walk with me.
PhoebeOK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?
JoeyWell, we're, we're just going over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he looking, is he looking? (Phoebe looks.)
[Somewhere else on the set.]
SusieWe've got a problem. [Julia Roberts]
Director's AssistantHi, tell me.
SusieI can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustache.
Director's AssistantIs it bad?
SusieIt looks like one of her eyebrows fell down.
Director's AssistantGot it.
SusieNow unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
Director's AssistantI'll talk to her.
SusieI hate actors.
Chandler(to an extra in fatigues) Nice camouflage man, for a minute there I almost didn't see you.
SusieExcuse me.
SusieUh, is your name Chandler?
ChandlerUh, yes, yes it is.
SusieChandler Bing?
ChandlerDo you know me or are you just really good at this game?
SusieI'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
ChandlerSusie Moss, all right, yeah, wow, you look... great job growing up.
SusieIt's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
ChandlerOh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
SusieRemember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
ChandlerYes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.
SusieSo, what've you been doing since childhood?
ChandlerWell, umm... I got a new belt.
SusieI wondered. 
(Cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set)
MonicaOh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
RachelWhat what what what?
MonicaJean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie; he is so hot.
RachelYou think?
MonicaThe muscles from Brussels, Wham! Bam! Van Damme, did you see Timecop?
RachelNo, was he any good in it?
MonicaRachel, he like, totally changed time.
RachelWow, so why don't you go talk to him?
MonicaOh, yeah.
RachelWhat, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
MonicaHe could hear me.
RachelOK, I'm doing it for you.
MonicaOh Rachel, don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.
RachelExcuse me. Hi.
Van DammeHi.
RachelUm, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks, by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.
Van DammeYou don't think I'm cute?
RachelI, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda getting off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
Van DammeYou can tell her I think her friend is cute. (Rachel pushes him)
(Back to Chandler and Susie)
ChandlerNo, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.
SusieOK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?
ChandlerOK that's not what he was doing. All right, he was looking for his bus money.
(A voice in the background calls for makeup)
SusieOh that's me, I gotta go.
ChandlerOh uh, O, OK.
SusieUm, so, listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.
ChandlerWell, uh, let's try one more... there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
SusieI'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
ChandlerNo one was around to hear that?
(Back to Rachel and Monica)
MonicaSo what'd he say?
RachelAgh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
MonicaWell, thanks anyway.
RachelHe just kept asking, asking, asking, asking, asking, asking.
MonicaRachel if you, if you wanna go out with him, you can. Sounds like a big jerk to me but if that's what you wanna do...
RachelJean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. (To Monica) Thank you. Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches. RachelAnd then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
JoeyOh man, she's so smoking, she has got the greatest set of... no guys around, huh.
RachelDoes anybody need anything?
MonicaOh, I'll have an espresso. Oh actually, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
RachelThat is so unfair.
PhoebeI know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
(Ross enters)
RossHey Joey I have to cancel racquetball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.
JoeyYou're blowing me off for a monkey?
RossHey, we can reschedule for Saturday.
JoeyYeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
(Chandler enters)
ChandlerHey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
PhoebeStick a fork what?
ChandlerLike, when you're cooking a steak.
PhoebeOh, OK, I don't eat meat.
ChandlerWell then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
PhoebeWell you know, you just, you eat them and you can tell.
ChandlerOK, then, eat me, I'm done.
ChandlerI've met the perfect woman. OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever wanna do it in an elevator?'
MonicaOh my God. What did you say?
ChandlerAhh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?
PhoebeOh, you just know. Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch. SusieOh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
ChandlerOh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.
SusieOh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.
SusieBut um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
ChandlerWell, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
SusieWell I was thinking it would be um, kinda sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.
ChandlerYou-you want me to wear your panties?
SusieCould ya?
ChandlerWell, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?... You're swell. Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there. RossOK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, bananna cake.
RossWith mealworm.
JoeyYaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. Huh-hun. What do you think is gonna happen here tonight?
(Phone rings)
Ross(On the phone) Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No no no, I-I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No, it's-it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special planned, you know. Yeah OK, OK. OK, bye. (Ross blows out the candles.)
JoeyAh, I'm sorry man. (Puts his hand over Ross'.)
JoeyYou feel that?
JoeyDo we pass the moment where we should've stopped holding hands?
RossOh yeah! (they move their hands quickly) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating. PhoebeOK, Rachel why don't you start talking first.
RachelAlright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. (Monica starts making faces behind her back) She gave me the green light, I did nothing but- Do you think I can't see you in the TV set?
PhoebeAll right, Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
MonicaYou know, you had no right to go out with him.
RachelThat is the most ridiculous...
MonicaYou sold me out.
RachelI did not sell you out.
MonicaYes you did. Absolutely.
RachelWould you let me talk?! (flicks Monica on the forehead)
MonicaDid you just flick me?
RachelOK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- (Monica flicks her back) Ow. That hurt (flicks Monica)
MonicaQuit flicking (flicks)
RachelOw, you stop flicking.
MonicaYou flicked me first.
(They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying "Oh you know, let's not do this, happy thoughts, happy thoughts". Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.)
PhoebeOK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
(Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear)
Monica and RachelOw. Ow. Ow.
PhoebeAll right, now I will let go if you both stop.
RachelOh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?
RachelYou want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
RachelOh that's what you want.
PhoebeThere we go. (let's go of their ears) Huh, You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches. A fancy restaurant. Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there. RossThanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.
JoeyForget about it.
SusieHow you doing there squirmy?
ChandlerI'm hanging in... and a little out.
JoeySo, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.
Director's AssistantI have nothing to do with casting.
JoeySo what're you guys gonna eat?
SusieHow come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
ChandlerBecause I went to an all boys' high school and God is making up for it.
SusieI want you right here, right now.
ChandlerRight now, right here? Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaace (Susie grabs him under the table) They do have the shrimp.
SusieMeet me in the bathroom. (she leaves for the bathroom)
ChandlerI'm going to the bathroom now. (leaves for the bathroom)
Ross(to the Director's Assistant) He likes to keep us in the loop.
(In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.)
SusieCome on.
ChandlerI can't believe we're doing this.
SusieAll right mister, let's see those panties.
ChandlerAlrighty. (we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door)
SusieOoh. Ooh. But you know what would be even sexier?
SusieIf you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
SusieAll right. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.
ChandlerOK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
SusieCome on hurry, hurry.
ChandlerHey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?
SusieAll right, turn around. I wanna see you from behind.
(She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.)
SusieOh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.
ChandlerSo, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie?
SusieThis, huh-huh, is for the fourth grade.
ChandlerHuh? What-what do you mean?
SusieWhat do I mean? What do you mean what do I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.
ChandlerWhat, what do you mean?
SusieMy skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants till I was 18.
ChandlerThat was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?
SusieWell um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. (she leaves with his clothes)
ChandlerAll right, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back. Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street. MonicaI can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, and now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? (he nods) Can you beat up that guy?
Van DammeSure.
MonicaThis is so wild. You know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to go on a blind date.
Van DammeNormally, I would not do it.
MonicaWell, oh, what made you make the exception for me?
Van Damme'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh, Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some ground rules and... Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme. MonicaSay you're sorry.
RachelNo. (hitting each other)
MonicaSay it! Say it!
RachelNo. (hitting again)
(Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it)
MonicaGreat. Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.
RachelOK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.
MonicaSay you're sorry.
RachelOK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. (She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse)
MonicaWhat're you gonna do?
RachelYou give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.
MonicaYou don't have the guts.
RachelHuh! Oh yeah? Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.
(Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse)
PhoebeOh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why you started fighting in the first place?
(Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time)
PhoebeYes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.
MonicaI'll help you fix your sweater.
RachelI'll help you throw out your purse.
MonicaI'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.
RachelWell, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.
MonicaI'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves (pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse) Back at the restroom at the restaurant. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom. (Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.)
JoeyChandler? What're you still doing here, I though you guys took off.
ChandlerOh, no no no, she took off, with my clothes!
JoeyAre you naked in there?
ChandlerNot exactly... Wearing panties.
JoeyHuh. You uh, you always wear panties?
ChandlerNo, no, this is the first time.
JoeyWow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
ChandlerI was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
JoeyWell, let me see.
ChandlerNo. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.
JoeyAll right, all right. (climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler) Woah, someone's flossing.
(Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror)
Ross(to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall) Joey, uh some people don't like that.
JoeyChandler's wearing panties.
RossWhat? Let me see. (climbs up in the other adjoining stall)
ChandlerNo, no, you don't have to see.
RossHi tushie.
ChandlerAlright, one of you give me your underpants.
RossOh no, no no.
JoeyCan't help you, I'm not wearing any.
ChandlerHow can you not be wearing any underwear?
JoeyOh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
ChandlerAlright look, Ross, I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.
(Some guy has entered.)
(Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.) Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting. ChandlerHey Pheebs, can I have the milk after you?
PhoebeI'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.
(Joey enters)
JoeyHey, hey, and I'm in the movie.
RossWhat happened?
JoeyOne of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh, Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you wanna go down there and say goodbye.
RossAhh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, you know, he's moved on. Hey, that's, that's the way it goes right.
Phoebe(sees Marcel at the window) Oh my God.
("Looks Like We Made It" starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.) {Looks like we made it / Left each other on the way to another / Looks like we made it / Or I thought so till today / Until you were there everywhere / And all I could taste was love the way we made it [Wiki]}
The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude. Van Damme(to Rachel) I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, (to Monica) or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.
RachelOK, well, bye. (kisses him)
Van DammeGoodbye.
MonicaWell, bye for me too. (kisses him)
RachelOK, well, bye-bye again. (kisses him again)
Van DammePerhaps, uh, the three of us, just could...
Monica and RachelOh, no no no no no.
Van DammeAre you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.
Monica and RachelOh no no no no no no.
MonicaBut no. Maybe if I were baking.
Monica and RachelOk, bye-bye. City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel. RossBye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinking that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.
(Marcel is driven off in a limo)
PhoebeYou know, I think I wanna write a song about all this.
RachelOh yeah.
PhoebeYeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?
ChandlerHow long you been waiting to say that?
PhoebeAbout 20 minutes. Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him. (There's a laugh track.) Van DammeCan't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
Van DammeCan't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
Van DammeCan't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.
JoeyAaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy!
Van DammeCan't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
Originally written by Michael Borkow, Mike Sikowitz & Jeffrey Astrof; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp