Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey and Chandler enter with Chandler covering his eyes and Joey leading him.
JoeyAlright, no peeking. No peeking, no peeking, no peeking.
ChandlerAlright, alright, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.
JoeyAlright open your eyes. (Opens his eyes to see two black leather recliners and a big screen TV.)
ChandlerSweet Mother of all that is good and pure.
Joey Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option.
ChandlerNow we can finally watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.
ChandlerSo uh, which one is mine?
JoeyWhichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want. (Chandler starts to sit in one of the chairs) Not that one.
Chandler(Sits down) Ohh yes.
Joey(Sits down) Ohh yeah, that's the stuff.
Chandler(Reaches for the footrest lever) Do we dare?
Both(Both extend the footrests) Aaahhhh. (Both recline their chairs) AAAAHHHHHH.
Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting in their recliners watching TV. Monica, Ross, and Phoebe are there.
PhoebeI can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice so you guys could watch TV with your feet up.
ChandlerWell they were chair-shaped cows. They never would've survived in the wild.
RossThis screen is amazing, I mean Dick Van Dyke is practically life-size.
MonicaRose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she?
RachelHi you guys.
RossHey you. (They stand together in front of the TV.)
Chandler and JoeyWoah, hey, yo. [Rachel and Ross move]
RachelSo, uh, how was your day?
RossOh you know, pretty much the usual, uh, sun shining, birds chirping.
RachelReally? Mine too.
PhoebeHey cool, mine too.
Ross(Beeper goes off) Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta get to the museum. So um, I'll see you tonight.
RachelOK. (They go to kiss but everyone's watching so Ross just kisses her on the top of her head and leaves)
Monica(Walks up to Rachel in front of the TV) Tonight?
Chandler and JoeyHey, yo. (They move from out of in front of the TV)
RachelIt is our first official date. Our first date.
MonicaTonight you're supposed to waitress for me, my catering thing, any of those words trigger anything for you?
RachelGod, oh God Monica, I forgot. This is our first date.
MonicaYes but my mom got me this job.
PhoebeOK, I can be a waitress, I can be a waitress.
RachelOh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. See Phoebe, Phoebe.
MonicaReally Pheebs? Because, you know, you'd have to be an actual waitress. This can't be like your 'I can be a bear cub' thing.
PhoebeI can be a waitress. OK watch this. Um, gimme two number ones, 86 the bacon, one Adam and Eve on a raft and rick 'em, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la.
Dr. Burke's apartment. Dr. Burke answers the door for Phoebe and Monica.
PhoebeIt's James Bond.
MonicaSorry we're late.
Dr. BurkeAh, that's OK, come on in. Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.
MonicaDr. Burke, it's, it's me.
Dr. BurkeMonica? My God you used to be so... I mean you, you, you, you must 've lost like... You look great.
MonicaThank you. This is my friend Phoebe. She's gonna be helping me tonight.
Dr. BurkeHi Phoebe, nice to meet you. (Phoebe just giggles when they shake hands) So, how you been?
MonicaI've been great, just great. How have you been? (tilting her head)
Dr. Burke Oh, well obviously you know Barbara and I split up, by the way otherwise you wouldn't have done the head tilt.
MonicaThe head tilt?
Dr. BurkeYeah, since the divorce, when anybody asks me how I am, it's always with a sympathetic head tilt. (Demonstrating) 'How you doing? You OK?'
Dr. BurkeNo no, it's, it's fine, believe me. I do it too. I always answer with the "I'm OK" head bob. (Demonstrates) 'I'm OK.' (Tilts head) 'You sure?' (Bobs head) 'Yeah, I'm fine.' Hey listen, I gotta set up the music. I got a new CD changer, of course the divorce only left me with 4 CDs to change.
Monica(She and Phoebe tilt their heads) Oh, that's too bad.
Dr. Burke(Bobbing his head) I'll survive.
Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still in their chairs watching TV. Chandler is ordering a pizza.
ChandlerUh, two larges, extra cheese on both. But listen, don't ring the buzzer for 19, ring 20, Geller-Green, they'll let you in, OK. If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you. OK, thanks. Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
JoeyWhat if we have to pee?
ChandlerI'll cancel the sodas.
Dr. Burke's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are in the kitchen.
MonicaYou've got to get back out there, it's your party.
Dr. BurkeBut they're so dull, they're all opthamologists.
MonicaYou're an opthamologist.
Dr. BurkeOnly because my parents wanted me to be, I wanted to be a sheriff.
Phoebe(Entering the kitchen from the party) That's funny, no. Cadillac, cataract, I get it, no I get it, you stay out there.
MonicaAlright, I'll tell you what. I'll come get you in 5 minutes with some sort of um, kabob emergency.
Dr. BurkeOK. Aw, you better. Oh God, here we go. Hey wanna see them go nuts? Watch this. (Grabbing some wine glasses and opening the door to the party) Who needs glasses? (Everyone laughs)
PhoebeYou are so smitten.
MonicaI am not.
PhoebeOh, you are so much the smitten kitten. You should ask him out.
MonicaDr. Burke? I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown-up.
PhoebeSo. You two are totally into each other.
MonicaPhoebe, he's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.
PhoebeOK, so what, you're just never gonna see him again?
MonicaNot never. I mean, I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.
PhoebeDidn't you like, just get your eyes checked?
MonicaWell yeah, but, you know, uh, 27 is a dangerous eye age.
Dr. Burke(sticks his head through the door helplessly) They're picking teams to play Guess My Prescription. Help me!
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are returning from a movie.
RachelCome on, I'm not saying it was a bad movie, I'm just saying, you know, it was a little... hard to follow.
RossI told you there was gonna be subtitles.
RachelI know, I just didn't wanna wear my glasses on my first date.
[They start kissing.]
RossIt would really help when I'm kissing you if you didn't shout out my sister's name.
RachelHoney, I'm just checking.
[They very slowly start walking up to each other. Since they're alone they start kissing and Ross's hands work their way down until they're on Rachel's butt. Rachel starts laughing.]
RachelI'm sorry. Oh God, I'm sorry, it's just that when you moved your hands down to my butt, it was like woah, Ross's hands are on my butt. Sorry.
RossAnd that's, that's funny why?
RachelWell it's not, honey I'm sorry, I guess I'm just nervous. I mean, it's you, you know, it's us. I mean, we're crossing that line, sort of a big thing.
RossI, I know it's big, I just didn't know it was uh, ha-ha big.
RachelOK. (Start kissing again and Rachel starts laughing again)
RossOK, my hands were no where near your butt.
RachelI know, I know, I know, I know. I was just thinking about when they were there the last time, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, OK, look, woah, I promise, I'm good, I'm not gonna laugh anymore. OK put your hands back there.
RossNo see now, now I can't 'cause uh, I'm feeling too self-conscious.
RachelCome on touch my butt.
RachelJust one cheek.
RossNuh, uh, the moment's gone, you know?
RachelAlright, just put your hands out and I'll back up into them.
RachelCome on touch it.
RachelOh, come on squeeze it.
RachelOh, come on, would you just grab my ass!!!
Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are watching a Miracle Wax infomercial.
JoeyWow, look at that. The car is on fire, yet somehow its expensive paint job is protected by the Miracle Wax.
ChandlerYou got a Cheeto on your face man.
Joey(Removes the Cheeto and eats it) Thanks.
Chandler and JoeyHey. Hi.
JoeyWhat're you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be out with Rachel?
RossThat was 14 hours ago.
Joey(To Chandler) Woah. We gotta set the clock on this thing. (referring to the TV)
ChandlerSo how'd it go?
RossOh. Listen, have you ever been uh, you know, fooling around with a girl and uh, started laughing?
ChandlerYeah, but uh, it was 1982 and my flock of seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.
JoeyWhat? She laughed at you?
RossYeah. I mean, you know, it could've been worse. I could've been naked. (They all laugh) Yeah, I mean I just.. you know I waited, I don't know, I've been wanting this since like ninth grade typing, you know. And I just want it to be perfect and right and... why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint?
ChandlerIt's the Miracle Wax.
JoeyIt certainly is a miracle.
RachelHi you guys.
Chandler and JoeyHey.
RachelHi. Listen, I was um, thinking about...
ChandlerListen can you guys uh, speak up, it's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.
[They go out into the hallway.]
RachelOK, listen, I'm sorry about last night and I really wanna make it up to you.
RossNo, you, you know there's no need to make it u... how?
RachelWell, I was thinking maybe a um, a romantic dinner with um, candles and wine and then uh, maybe going back to my place for um, dessert.
RossHumm, that sounds, I don't, perfect.
[There's a loud bang at the door so Ross opens it, back up to find a shoe has been thrown at it]
ChandlerYou get us a couple of beers?
Dr. Burke's office. Monica is there for her eye appointment.
Dr. BurkeI'm going to look into your eyes now.
Dr. BurkeYeah, that's my job. Alright, look up... look down, now open your eyes, now look down. That's right, look into the light. Now look at me... OK. Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes.
MonicaGood, they feel good, in my head.
Dr. BurkeSo, it's great to see ya.
Dr. BurkeYou too.
MonicaOK, um. Goodbye.
Dr. BurkeDrops. Here, they're free.
MonicaThanks. So, I guess I better be going.
Dr. BurkeOh, OK, yeah. I'll see ya later.
[He kisses her on the cheek, she returns the kiss, then they embrace in a full-on kiss]
Chandler and Joey's apartment. They're still watching TV. Phoebe stands in front of the TV.
PhoebeWe have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.
Chandler and JoeyHey, woah, hey, woah.
PhoebeYou know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.
JoeyNo, inside good, outside bad. (Watching too much TV makes them speak simple English.)
PhoebeYou guys are so pathetic, I, oh, oh, Xanadu! Oh.
ChandlerShe's one of us now.
[Rachel and Ross enter]
RachelHi you guys.
Chandler, Joey, and PhoebeHey.
RossWell we just wanted to stop by and uh, say goodnight.
Chandler, Joey, and PhoebeGoodnight.
RossLook at that, they won't even turn their heads.
RachelAlright you guys, I'm taking off my shirt.
Joey(Uses a dentist mirror to see) Nah, she's lying.
[Monica enters carrying food that's been delivered]
MonicaStop sending food to our apartment.
RossWell, why're you all dressed up?
PhoebeYou're not the only one who has a date tonight.
RossWhat? You have a date? Who with?
RossCome on, what's his name?
RossCome on, tell me.
MonicaAlright, but I'm very excited about this OK, so you gotta promise you won't get all big-brothery and judgmental.
RossOh, I promise, what.
MonicaIt's Richard Burke.
RossWho's Richard Burke? Doc, Doctor Burke? You have a date with Doctor Burke? Why, why, why should that bother me? I, I love that man, he's like a uh, brother to dad.
MonicaHere we go.
RossNo, I think it's great that he's like 50. I mean uh..he'll be an inspiration to men who are almost retired all over the world.
MonicaWell for your information he happens to be one of the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest men I've ever been with.
RossDoctor Burke is sexy?
Rachel and PhoebeOh, God, absolutely.
Ross[His beeper goes off] Damn, it's the museum again, can I, oh.
RachelYou know, Dr. Burke kissed me once.
RachelWhen I was um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house and to stop me from crying he kissed me right here. (Points to the tip of her nose)
PhoebeOh you are so lucky.
Ross(On the phone) Woah, woah, woah australopithicus isn't supposed to be in that display. No. No. No, no, homo habilus was erect, australopithicus was never fully erect.
ChandlerWell maybe he was nervous.
Museum of Natural History. Ross is fixing a display, Rachel is waiting patiently.
RossOh look, I can't believe this. Look, homo habilus hasn't even learned how to use tools yet and they've got him here wi, with clay pots. Why don't, why don't they just give him a microwave?
RachelWell clearly honey, he'd have no place to plug it in. (laughs while Ross glares at her) Sorry.
RossI'm sorry, I'm sorry this is taking so long, ya know, I, I, it's just it's longer than I expected, we will have dinner, OK?
RachelIt's OK, it's fine.
[Ross leaves to find Karl. Rachel takes a peek under the loincloth of one of the display models. She's suprised what she sees.]
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Dr. Burke are sitting on the couch. He's showing her the pictures in his wallet.
MonicaWow, is that Michelle?
MonicaI've not seen her since high school graduation. Oh my God, that night she got so dru... motional.
Dr. BurkeYou know, she's having another baby.
MonicaI thought she just had one.
Dr. BurkeNo no. Henry's almost two and he's talking and everything. Here. You know, the other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa. Now in all fairness his other grandpa's a drunk but still...
MonicaOh, you're a grandpa.
Dr. BurkeYeah. Are we nuts here?
MonicaI don't know, maybe. I mean I'm dating a man who's pool I once peed in.
Dr. BurkeI didn't need to know that. I guess 21 years is a lot. I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.
MonicaSo maybe we should just...
Dr. BurkeYeah, yeah, maybe.
MonicaWow, this really sucks.
Dr. BurkeYeah, it sure does. (They hug and it turns into a passionate kiss)
MonicaWell, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we?
Dr. BurkeNo, no, there's no rush or anything.
[Knock at the door]
Delivery GuyPizza delivery.
MonicaOh, I'm gonna kill those guys.
Museum of Natural History. Ross enters the display where Rachel is waiting.
RachelYeah well, you know what, so is uh, Sorentino's.
RossWha, OK, I'm sorry, let's uh, why don't we find someplace else.
RachelNo, you know what, it's late, everything's gonna be closed. Why don't we just do it another night?
RossNo, no, we won't.
Ross[Grabs a fur pelt] Come on.
RachelOK, that's dead right?
The museum planetarium. Ross and Rachel enter on stage.
RachelWhat is this? What are we doing?
RossShh. Do you want cran-apple or cran-grape?
Ross(Spreads the pelt on the floor) OK, now, sit. OK. (He starts the music system)
[The stereo system booms out 'Billions of years ago...'. Ross gets up and changes it to music.]
RachelAh, so, what're we looking at?
RossWell, uh, you see that, that little cluster of stars next to the big one? That is Ursa Major.
RossI've no idea, could be. Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.
RachelOh it's OK. You were worth the wait, and I don't just mean tonight. (They kiss)
RossYou're not laughing.
RachelThis time it's not so funny.
[They kiss and start undressing. As Rachel tries to pull off Ross's tie she catches it in his mouth.
RossLoosen the knot. Loosen the knot.
[Then they roll across the fur rug.]
RachelAh, oh God. Oh, honey, oh that's OK.
RossWhat. Oh no, you just rolled over the juice box.
RachelOh, thank God.
Museum of Natural History. The next morning Rachel and Ross are sleeping in the display under a fur.
RachelHi you. I can't believe I'm waking up next to you.
RossI know it is pretty unbelievaaaaah.
RossWe're not alone. (A church youth group is outside the display watching them)
Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are still in their chairs, watching Beavis and Butt-head.
[They're laughing along with the show when an alarm goes off]
JoeyIs that the fire alarm?
ChandlerYeah. (Feels the floor) All right it's not warm yet, we still have time.
Written by Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins; Transcribed by Josh Hodge, with Minor Adjustments by Dan Silverstein; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp