Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are sitting at the bar, in their bathrobes, eating cereal. JoeyMan this is weird. You ever realize Captain Crunch's eyebrows are actually on his hat?
ChandlerThat's what's weird? Joey, the man's been captain of a cereal for the last 40 years.
(Joey finishes his cereal, licks his spoon, and puts it back in the silverware drawer.)
ChandlerWaaa-aaah.
JoeyWhat?
ChandlerThe spoon. You licked and-and you put. You licked and you put.
JoeyYeah, so?
ChandlerWell don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. (Joey gets a sheepish look) You used my toothbrush?
JoeyWell, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.
ChandlerMine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.
JoeyHey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
ChandlerBecause soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
JoeyAll right, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are sitting at the table, Joey and Chandler enter. ChandlerHey.
Monica and PhoebeHey.
JoeyHey.
PhoebeOoh, look at you fancy lads. What's the occasion?
JoeyWell, you know the guy on my show that's in a coma? He's having a brunch.
PhoebeAhh.
Rachel(enters from her room) OK, ready when you are.
PhoebeOkey-doke.
MonicaI can't believe you guys are actually getting tattoos.
ChandlerExcuse me, you guys are getting tattoos?
RachelYes, but you cannot tell Ross 'cause I wanna surprise him.
JoeyWow, this is wild. What're you gonna get?
PhoebeUm, I'm getting a lily, for my Mom, 'cause her name's Lily.
ChandlerWow, that's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?
JoeySo where're you getting it?
PhoebeI think on my shoulder. (Ross enters)
RossWhat? What's on your shoulder?
PhoebeUm, a chip. I've-I've got a big attitude problem. A tattoo, I'm getting a tattoo.
RossA tattoo? Why, why would you wanna do that? (to Rachel) Hi.
RachelHi. Well hey, you don't - you don't think they're kinda cool?
RossNo, sorry I don't. Tell me why would anyone pay someone to scar their body for life? And what if it doesn't come out right Pheebs? And then it's like, I don't know, having a bad hair cut all the time. Why's everyone staring at me?
MonicaRoss, come sign this birthday card for dad. Rich is gonna be here any minute.
ChandlerOooh, Rich is going to the party too, huh?
MonicaWell, he's my parents' best friend, he has to be there.
JoeySo, is today the day you're gonna tell them about you two?
MonicaYeah. It's my dad's birthday; I decided to give him a stroke.
PhoebeNo, I think you should tell them.
MonicaNo, I don't even know how serious he is about me. Until I do, I'm not telling them anything.
RossI don't know, I don't think mom and dad would mind. Remember when you were 9 and Richard was 30, how dad used to say, 'God I hope they get together.'
(The intercom buzzes and Monica gets up to answer it)
MonicaHello.
Richard(on the intercom) It's me; I'm double parked.
MonicaOk. Come on Ross.
RossBye guys.
Joey and ChandlerSee ya.
Ross(to Rachel softly) Oh, bye you.
RachelBye. (they both kiss as Joey stares happily)
Joey(sees Monica walking to the door and opens his arms) Bye you! (Monica looks at him and leaves him opened arm.) The Gellers' house. Monica, Ross, and Richard are arriving to Mr. Geller's birthday party. MonicaHere we go. Here we go. Here we go. OK, wait, wait, wait, wait.
RichardIt's gonna be fine.
MonicaHow can you say that? Are you not nervous?
RichardI'm terrified.This is just a very absorbent suit.
RossAll right. Shall we? Monica?
MonicaNo. You know what? Ross, let's - let's switch places. You get in the middle. No un-, you know, unless this looks like we're trying to cover something up.
RossMonica, Monica, you could come in straddling him; they still wouldn't believe it. (opens door) We're here.
Mr. GellerOh hi kids. Hi darling.
MonicaHappy birthday dad.
Mr. GellerOh thank you.
RossHi ma.
RichardHappy birthday.
Mr. GellerSo, you kids thanked Dr. Burke for the ride?
RossUh, actually mom, I think Monica thanked him for the both of us. The Gellers' kitchen. Monica, Mrs. Geller and one of Mrs. Geller's friends are preparing the cake. FriendWell, you kids take the train in?
Mr. GellerNo, Richard Burke gave them a ride.
FriendOh. Speaking of whom, I hear he's got some 20-year-old twinkie in the city. (Monica sprays whipped cream all over the place.)
MonicaFinger cramp. Oh God, sorry. Here, let me get that mom.
Mr. GellerSooo, Richard's shopping in the junior section.
MonicaAre we still on that?
Mr. GellerWe just know she's got the IQ of a napkin.
FriendShe's probably not even very pretty, just young enough so that everything is still pointing up. (Monica folds her arms over her breasts.) Joey's Co-star's apartment. Chandler and Joey are at the brunch. JoeyCan you believe this place? 
ChandlerI know, this is a great apartment.
JoeyAh, I was just in the bathroom, and there's mirrors on both sides of you. So when you're in there it's like you're peeing with the Rockettes.
ChandlerWow, there's my fantasy come true. No, seriously.
Joey's Co-StarHey.
JoeyHey! We were just saying, great apartment man.
Joey's Co-starThanks. You want it?
JoeyHuh?
Joey's Co-StarYeah, I'm moving to a bigger place. You should definitely take this one.
JoeyYeah, can you see me in a place like this?
Joey's Co-StarWhy not? You hate park views and high ceilings? Come on I'll show you the kitchen.
Chandler(being left behind) Oh that's all right fellas, I saw a kitchen this morning - on TV. Stop talking. OK. Mr. Geller's party. Mr. Geller and a friend are questioning Richard while Ross observes. Mr. GellerCome on, tell us.
FriendYeah, is she really 20?
RichardI am not telling you guys anything.
Mr. GellerCome on Rich, it's my birthday, let me live vicariously.
RossDad, you really don't wanna do that.
Mr. GellerAhh, what's a little midlife crisis between friends?
RichardJack, would you let it go?
Mr. GellerLook, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got the Porsche. You... you got your own little Speedster.
RichardGuys. Seriously, it is not like that.
Mr. GellerTell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I cou...
RossDad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.
Mr. GellerWhat? I'm kidding. You know I'd never let him touch the Porsche. Tattoo parlor. Phoebe and Rachel are deciding on tattoos. PhoebeOK Rach, which, which lily: this lily or that lily?
RachelWell I...
PhoebeI like this lily. It's more open, you know, and that's like my mom. She had a more open, giving spirit. (sees something else) Ooh, Foghorn Leghorn, ooh.
Tattoo ArtistAll right, blonde girl, you're in room two, not so blonde girl, you're with me.
PhoebeHere we go.
Rachel(reluctantly) Uh-huh.
PhoebeYou're not going?
RachelUh-huh.
PhoebeWhat? Is it - is this 'cause of what Ross said?
RachelNo. Well, yeah, maybe.
PhoebeI don't believe this. Is this how this relationship's gonna work? Ross equals boss. I mean, Come on what is this, 1922?
RachelWhat's 1922?
PhoebeJust, you know, long time ago. Well, when men used to tell women what to do - a lot. And then there was suffrage, which is a good thing but it sounds horrible. Do you wanna get this tattoo?
RachelYes I do, it's just that Ross is...
PhoebeOK, hey, hey. Is your boyfriend the boss of you?
RachelNo.
PhoebeOK, who is the boss of you?!!
RachelYou?
PhoebeNo. You are the boss of you. Now you march your heinie in there and get that heart tattooed on your hip. GO!! (to a man seating in a chair) I haven't even got my tattoo yet and I'm already tougher. Mr. Geller's birthday party. Monica is in the bathroom and Richard comes in. RichardHow you doing?
MonicaI'm a twinkie.
RichardReally? I'm a hero. Oh.
MonicaThis is so hard.
RichardYeah, I know. I hate it too. Look, maybe we should just tell them.
MonicaMaybe we should tell your parents first.
RichardMy parents are dead.
MonicaGod, you are so lucky. I mean, I mean... you know what I mean.
RichardI know, I know. Just hang in there OK? OK, I'll go out first, all right?
MonicaAll right.
Richard(Walks out of the bathroom and runs into Mrs. Geller who is going to the bathroom) Judy, going to the bathroom, good for you.
Mr. GellerThank you Richard, I appreciate the support.
(Monica jumps in the shower. Right after Mrs. Geller enters the bathroom, Mr. Geller peeks his head in.)
Mr. GellerHoney. Honey, have you seen my Harmon Killebrew bat? Bob doesn't believe I have one.
Mrs. GellerI have no idea. Did you know Richard has a twinkie in the city?
Mr. GellerI know. He's like a new man. It's like a scene from Cocoon.
Mrs. GellerI just never would have pictured Richard with a bimbo.
Mr. GellerApparently, he told Johnny Shapiro that she's quite a girl. In fact, he told Johnny that he thinks he's falling in love with her.
Mrs. GellerReally.
Mr. GellerI tell you, I've never seen him this happy.
Mrs. GellerSo Jack, you ever think about trading me in for a younger model?
Mr. GellerOf course not. With you it's like I've got two 25-year-olds.
Mrs. Geller(They start kissing) Oh Jack stop.
Mr. GellerCome on, it's my birthday. (Monica covers up her ears with some sponges.) Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are returning from their brunch. JoeyCan we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.
ChandlerOh please, I saw the way you were checking out his moldings. You want it.
JoeyWhy would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.
ChandlerWell it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.
JoeyAll right, you want the truth? I'm thinking about it.
ChandlerWhat?
JoeyI'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.
ChandlerWoah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ypi know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.
JoeyWhat're you getting so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.
ChandlerI'm aware that we're not gay puppets! Alright? Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
JoeyWell that's how I feel.
ChandlerWell then maybe you should take it.
JoeyWell then maybe I will.
ChandlerFine with me.
JoeyGreat. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons. Mr. Geller's birthday party. Mr. and Mrs. Geller enter looking particularly refreshed. Monica follows looking rather pale. Mr. GellerWho's drink can I freshen?
Mr. GellerAlmost time for cake.
RossMon, Mon, are you OK?
MonicaYou remember that video I found of mom and dad? {214}
RossYeah.
MonicaWell, I just caught the live show.
RossEww.
(Monica walks into the kitchen where Richard is.)
MonicaHey there.
RichardWhat?
MonicaNothing, I just heard something nice about you.
RichardHumm, really?
(Mrs. Geller and Ross both enter)
Mr. GellerRichard. Richard. Your son isn't seeing anyone is he?
RichardUhh, not that I know of.
Mr. GellerWell, I was thinking, why doesn't he give Monica a call?
RichardThat- that's an idea.
MonicaWell, actually, I'm already seeing someone.
Mr. GellerOh?
RichardOh?
RossOhh.
Mr. GellerShe never tells us anything. Ross, did you know Monica's seeing someone?
RossMom, there are so many people in my life. Some of them are seeing people and some of them aren't. (Looks at her glass) Is that crystal?
Mr. GellerSo, who's the mystery man?
MonicaWell, uh, he's a doctor.
Mr. GellerA real doctor?
MonicaNo, a doctor of meat. (Mrs. Geller turns around and opens the fridge) Of course he's a real doctor. (Ross tries to stop her, but she pushes him away) And he's handsome, and he's sweet, and I know you would like him. (she puts her arm around Richard)
Mr. GellerWell that's wonderful... I
(Notices them.)
MonicaMom, it's OK.
RichardIt is, Judy.
Mr. GellerJack. Could you come in here for a moment? NOW!
Mr. Geller(Enters with his bat) Found it.
RossI'll take that dad. (Grabs the bat)
Mr. GellerIt seems your daughter and Richard are something of an item.
Mr. GellerThat's impossible, he's got a twinkie in the city.
MonicaDad, I'm the twinkie.
Mr. GellerYou're the twinkie?
RichardShe's not a twinkie.
MonicaAlright, look-look you guys, this is the best relationship I've been in...
Mr. GellerOh please, a relationship.
MonicaYes, a relationship. For your information I am crazy about this man.
RichardReally?
MonicaYes.
RichardWow.
Mr. GellerAm I supposed to stand here and listen to this on my birthday?
MonicaDad, dad this is a good thing for me. You know, and you even said yourself, you've never seen Richard happier.
Mr. GellerWhen did I say that?
MonicaUpstairs in the bathroom right before you felt up mom.
(Everyone else enters and all start singing Happy Birthday.) Tattoo parlor. Rachel is showing Phoebe her tattoo. PhoebeOh that looks so good, oh I love it.
RachelI know, so do I. Oh Phoebe, I'm so glad you made me do this. OK, let me se yours.
PhoebeAhh. OK, let's see yours again.
RachelPhoebe we just saw mine, let me see yours.
PhoebeOh OK. (pulls over her shirt and shows a bare shoulder) Oh no, oh, it's gone, that's so weird, I don't know how-where it went.
RachelYou didn't get it?
PhoebeNo.
RachelWhy didn't you get it?
PhoebeI'm sorry, I'm sorry.
RachelPhoebe, how could you do this to me? This was all your idea.
PhoebeI know, I know, and I was gonna get it but then he came in with this needle and uh, di-, did you know they do this with needles?
RachelReally? You don't say, because mine was licked on by kittens.
PhoebeOk. I'm sorry. Seriously seriously, does it hurt a lot?
RachelNo. It's just like a pinch; like that. (pinches Phoebe on her arm)
PhoebeOww! Oh! Oww! Oh my God! Oh that, oh! That really hurt me. (points to where Rachel pinched her) Oh, that's gonna leave a mark. Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is at the bar and Joey enters. JoeyHey.
ChandlerHey.
JoeyHey listen, I'm sorry about what happened...
ChandlerYeah me too.
JoeyI know. Yeah.
ChandlerYeah. So do we need to hug here or...
JoeyNo, we're all right.
ChandlerSo I got ya something. (tosses Joey a bag of plastic spoons)
JoeyPlastic spoons. Great.
ChandlerLick away my man.
JoeyThese'll go great in my new place. You know, till I get real ones.
ChandlerWhat?
JoeyWell, I can't use these forever. I mean, let's face it, they're no friend to the environment.
ChandlerNo no, I mean what, what's this about your new place?
JoeyI'm moving out like we talked about.
ChandlerWell I didn't think that was serious. (grabs the spoons back) You know I thought that was just a fight.
JoeyWell, it was a fight... based on serious stuff, remember? About how I never lived alone or anything. I just think it would be good for me, you know, help me to grow or... whatever.
ChandlerWell, there you go.
JoeyHey, are you cool with this? I mean, I don't wanna leave you high and dry.
ChandlerHey, no, I've never been lower or wetter. I'll be fine. I'll just turn your, uh, bedroom into a game room or something, you know, put the foosball table in there.
JoeyWoah. Why do you get to keep the table?
ChandlerI did pay for half of it.
JoeyYeah. And huh huh, I paid for the other half.
ChandlerAll right I'll tell you what, I'll play you for it.
JoeyAll right, you're on. I can take two minutes out of my day to kick your ass.
ChandlerYour little men are gonna get scored on more times than your sister.
JoeyWoah, woah, woah, woah. Which sister? Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are setting the table. MonicaSo, are you sorry that I told them?
RichardNah, it's been a long time since your dad and I went running.
(Rachel and Phoebe enter.)
RachelOh.
MonicaOh. Well did you get it? Let me see.
RachelIs Ross here?
MonicaNo he went out to get pizza.
RachelOh really, OK. (shows Monica her tattoo)
MonicaThat's great.
RichardVery tasteful.
PhoebeWanna see mine, wanna see mine?
MonicaYes.
RachelWhat? You didn't get one.
PhoebeOK, well then what is this? (shows her bare shoulder)
RichardWhat're we looking at? That blue freckle?
PhoebeOK, that's my tattoo.
RachelThat is not a tattoo, that is a nothing. I finally got her back in the chair, he barely touched her with a needle, she jumped up screaming, and that was it.
PhoebeOK, hi. For your information this is exactly what I wanted. This is a tattoo of the Earth as seen from a great distance distance. It's the way my mother sees me from heaven.
RachelOh, what a load of crap. That is a dot. Your mother is up in heaven going, 'Where the hell is my lily, you wuss?' OK, Phoebe, that is not a tattoo; this is a tattoo. (she bends over and bares her tattoo right when Ross returns)
RossYou got a tattoo?
RachelMaybe. But just a little one. Phoebe got the whole world.
RossLet me see. (looks)
RachelWell?
RossWell it's really... sexy. I wouldn't have thought it would be but... wow.
RachelReally?
RossYeah, so uh, is it sore or can you do stuff?
RachelI guess.
RossHey, save us some pizza. (they go off to Rachel's room) Chandler's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing foosball for the table. JoeyGet out of the corner. Pass it, pass it.
ChandlerStop talking to your men. (Joey scores)
JoeyYes! And the table is mine.
ChandlerCongratulations. (Chandler leaves) Chandler's apartment. The whole gang is helping Joey pack. JoeyHey, you guys are still gonna come visit me, right?
RossOh yeah, you got the big TV. We'll be over there all the time... (Chandler gives him a look) except when we are here.
PhoebeI know you're just moving uptown but I'm really gonna miss you.
MonicaI know, how can you not be across the hall anymore?
RachelYeah, who's gonna eat all our food, and tie up our phone lines, and- is that my bra? What the hell are you doing with my bra?
JoeyOh no no, it's uh, it's not what you think. We uh, we used it to, you know, fling water balloons off the roof. Remember that, those junior high kids couldn't even get theirs across the street.
Chandler(quietly) Yeah, I remember.
RossHey, let's bring the rest of these down to the truck.
JoeyThanks.
(Everyone except Joey and Chandler leave.)
ChandlerSo, uhh, em, you want me to uh, give you a hand with the foosball table?
JoeyNah, you keep it, you need the practice.
ChandlerThanks.
JoeySo, I guess this is it.
ChandlerYeah, right, yeah, I guess so.
(Joey walks to the door. He stops, turns around.)
JoeyListen, uh, I don't know when I'm gonna see you again.
ChandlerWell, I'm guessing uh, tonight at the coffee house.
JoeyRight, yeah. OK. Um, take care.
ChandlerYeah.
(Joey walks out and after a few seconds comes back in and gives Chandler a big hug. He then leaves for good and Chandler is left alone in his apartment.) Monica and Rachel's. There is a knock at the door and Monica answers it. MonicaHey Dad! What are you doing here?
Mr. GellerI just stopped by your boyfriend's to give him a piece of my mind.
MonicaAnd?
Mr. GellerAnd I was going to punch him in the nose but he had the game on so we started watching. Then at half-time I was going to give him "what for?". But he offered me a beer. And you know what?
MonicaWhat?
Mr. GellerHe's got it on tap! Right in his apartment! The damn thing is built right into his bar; it's unbelievable!.
MonicaDad, did you talk about me?
Mr. GellerOh, right, well....actually we never got to you. Look, you're a big girl. I just hope you know what you are doing.
MonicaI do. Dad, you're wearing the tie that I got you!
Mr. GellerYeah
MonicaWhere'd you get the hat?
Mr. Geller(takes it off) I don't know.

Written by Betsy Bornes; Transcribed by Josh Hodge, With Minor Adjustments by Dan Silverstein; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp