Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone except Ross is there watching Days of Our Lives. AmberIt's not fair! It's my money!
Dr. RamorayI know. But it's what Brad wanted.
Phoebe(to Rachel) Ok which one is she?
RachelUh, that's Brad's widow.
PhoebeOh, why she so upset?
Rachel'Cause she just found out she was cut out of the will.
PhoebeUgh, doesn't she know you can't define yourself in terms of money? That it's about values and morals, and your ability to give and receive love.
AmberOh Drake.
Dr. RamorayI'm sorry Amber. It's just like Brad to have to have the last word.
(Ross enters)
RossI'm sorry I'm late, what happened?
MonicaWe, we just wanna see the end.
AmberI want you Drake.
Dr. RamorayI know you do but you and I can never be together that way.
Dr. RamorayThere's something I never told you Amber. I'm actually your half-brother.
(Everyone gasps. The show ends.)
RachelSo what happens next?
JoeyWell, I get the medical award for separating the Siamese twins. Then Amber and I go to Venezuela to meet our other half-brother, Ramone. And that's where I find the world's biggest emerald. It's really big but it's cursed.
ChandlerGod that is good TV. Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is at the foosball table trying to get Phoebe to play a game with him. ChandlerCome on Pheebs, play with meeee.
PhoebeNo. This game is grotesque. Twenty armless guys joined at the waist by a steel bar, forced to play soccer forever. Ahh, hello, human-rights violation.
ChandlerYou know Pheebs, don't feel so bad for them. After they're done playing, I break out the little plastic women and everybody has a pretty good time.
PhoebeWhy don't you play with your roommate?
ChandlerAh he's a, he's not a big fan of foosball.
PhoebeUh oh, ooh, are we not getting along with the new boy?
ChandlerNo he's, he's all right, just uh, he spends most of his time in his room.
PhoebeMaybe that's because you haven't taken the time to get to know him. Let's remedy that, shall we?
ChandlerWe don't need to remedy that.
PhoebeOh yeah, it'll be fun. (throws a tennis ball at Eddie's bedroom door)
EddieWhat was that?
PhoebeHi, um, I just thought that it would be fun if the three of us had some beers and got to know each other.
EddieYeah alright, that sounds alright.
PhoebeOh good, ok. Oh, nooo, I have to go because I'm late for my um, Green Eggs and Ham discussion group. Um tonight it's why he would not eat them on a train. Have fun bye.
ChandlerThat was so lame.
PhoebeI know, yeah. Ok, talk to him. (leaves) 
ChandlerSo, you uh, you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets or..?
[Time lapse. Chandler and Eddie are talking.]
EddieThat's good, that's good. So, so, so who broke up with who?
ChandlerWhat're you kidding? I broke up with her. She actually thought that Sean Penn was the capital of Cambodia.
EddieThat's good man, when everybody knows that the uh, the capital of Cambodia is uh...
ChandlerWell it's not Sean Penn.
EddieNot Sean Penn. Alright, I got a funny one, alright? My last girlfriend, Tilly. Ok, we're eating breakfast, right, and I made all these pancakes, there was like 50 pancakes right. And all of the sudden she turns to me, alright, and she says, 'Eddie.' I say, 'yeah,' she says, 'Eddie, I don't wanna see you anymore.' And it was literally like she had reached into my chest, ripped out my heart, and-and smeared it all over my life, you know. And now there's like this incredible abyss, you know, and I'm falling and I keep falling and I don't think I'm ever gonna stop. (finishes laughing) That uh, wasn't such a funny story, was it? Central Perk. Phoebe is singing. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are listening. PhoebeAnd a crusty old man said I'll do what I can and the rest of the rats played maracas. That's it, thanks, good night.
Richard(to Monica) Phoebe's got another job, right? {Her songs are awful.}
RachelGreat set tonight Pheebs.
PhoebeI know.
RossWell, we should probably get going.
RichardUm, we should go too, I got patients at 8 in the morning.
MonicaYou know, I was thinking. You know how we always stay at your apartment? Well, I thought maybe tonight we'd stay at my place.
RichardI don't know, I don't have my jammies.
MonicaWell, maybe you don't need them.
RossMy baby sister, ladies and gentlemen.
MonicaShut up, I'm happy.
PhoebeOh, this is so nice. All right I have to make a speech. I just wanna say that of all the guys that Monica has been with, and that is a lot, I like you the best.
RichardOh, thank you Pheebs. That's very sweet.
RichardYou hear that? She likes me best, and apparently there've been a lot.
MonicaNot a lot, Phoebe's kidding, Phoebe's crazy.
RachelPhoebe's dead. Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler is there. There's a knock at the door. He answers it to see a young woman holding a fish tank. TillyHi.
TillyI'm looking for Eddie Minowick.
ChandlerOh, uh, he's not here right now, uh, I'm Chandler, can I take a message, or, or a fish tank?
ChandlerOh, oh, come on in.
TillyI'm Tilly.
TillyI gather by that 'oh' that he told you about me.
ChandlerOh yeah, your uh, name came up in a uh, conversation that terrified me to my very soul.
TillyHe's kind of intense huh?
ChandlerYes. Hey, can I ask you, is Eddie a little...
Eddie(Walks around corner) A little what?
ChandlerBit country? Or uh, you know a little bit rock and roll? Come on in here you roomy.
EddieHello Tilly.
TillyEddie, I just came by to drop off your tank.
EddieThat's very thoughtful of you. It's very thoughtful.
(Awkward pause)
TillyWell, ok then. I'm gonna go. Bye.
(Tilly leaves)
ChandlerSo, we getting a fish?
EddieYou had sex with her didn't you? Central Perk. Joey enters with several magazines and runs up to Phoebe. JoeyPheebs, check it out, check it out, check it out, check it out.
PhoebeOh, ooh, Soap Opera Digest, oh that's one of my favorite digests.
JoeyPage 42, page 42, page 42.
PhoebeOk, ok, ok. Ooh, hey, 'new doc on the block, Days of Our Lives' Joey Tribbiani.' Ooh, cool picture.
JoeyYeah. Oh, I look good.
PhoebeHey is this true, that you write a lot of your own lines?
JoeyUh, well, kind of, yeah. Like, remember last week when Alex was in the accident? Well the line in the script was, 'If we don't get this woman to a hospital, she's going to die.' But I made it, ' If this woman doesn't get to a hospital, she's not gonna live.'
PhoebeOhh, ok, I see what you did there. Aren't you afraid though, that the writers are gonna be kinda mad when they read this?
JoeyHuh? I never really thought about the writers. The scripts just kinda come to my house. But you know what? This makes me look good, which makes the show look good, which makes the writers look good so how could they be mad about that? At a Writer's desk. The Writer is working on a script for Days of Our Lives. WriterMakes up most of his lines. Son-of-a-. Yeah, well, write this jerk weed. Joey's apartment. The next script is being delivered. JoeyI fall down an elevator shaft? What the hell does this mean, I fall down an elevator shaft?
Delivery GuyUhh, I don't know, I just bring the scripts.
JoeyThey can't kill me; I'm Francesca's long-lost son.
Delivery GuyRight. Could you sign this?
JoeyNo. No way, I'm not signing that.
Delivery GuyI don't think that's gonna affect the plot of the show.
JoeyHow can they do this to me?
Delivery GuyAll right, uh, I'm just gonna go. Sorry. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel are returning. MonicaWell it wasn't that many guys. I mean, if you consider how many guys there actually are, it's a very small percentage.
RachelHey, it's not that big a deal, I was just curious.
RossGood night.
RichardNight Richard. Good luck Mon.
MonicaAll right, before I tell you, uh, why don't you tell me how many women you've been with?
MonicaTwo? TWO? How is that possible? I mean, have you seen you?
RichardWell, I mean what can I say? I, I was married to Barbara for 30 years. She was my high school sweetheart, now you, that's two.
MonicaTwo it is. Ok, time for bed, I'm gonna go brush my teeth. (goes in the bathroom)
RichardWoah, woah, no wait a minute now. Come on it's your turn. Oh come on. You know, I don't need the actual number, just a ballpark.
MonicaOk, it is definitely less than a ballpark.
(Rachel's bedroom)
RachelWow, I am so glad I'm not Monica right now.
RossTell me about it. So what's, what's your magic number?
RossCome on, you know everyone I've been with. All, both of them.
RachelWell, there's you.
RossBetter not be doing these in order.
RachelOk, uh, Billy Dreskin, Pete Carney, Barry, and uh, oh, Paolo.
RossOh yes, the weenie from Torrini.
RachelOh honey, are you jealous of Paolo? Oh, come on, I'm so much happier with you than I ever was with him.
RachelOh please. That Paolo thing was barely a relationship. All it really was, was just, you know, meaningless animal sex. Ok, you know, that sounded soooo much better in my head. Chandler and Eddie's apartment. ChandlerEddie, I didn't sleep with your ex-girlfriend.
EddieThat's very interesting, you know, 'cause that's exactly what someone who slept with her would say.
ChandlerThis is nuts. This is crazy. She came over for like two minutes, dropped off a fish tank, and left, end of story.
EddieWhere's Buddy?
EddieMy fish, Buddy.
ChandlerThere was no fish when she dropped it off.
EddieOh, this is, this is unbelievable. I mean, first-first-first you sleep with my ex-girlfriend and then you insult my intelligence by lying about it and then you kill my fish, my Buddy?
ChandlerHey, I didn't kill your fish. Look Eddie...(puts his hand on Eddie's shoulder) Would you look at what I'm doing here. That can't be smart. So we're just gonna take this guy right off ya and put him here in Mr. Pocket. (Puts his hand in his pocket) Tangelo? (picks up the fruit an tosses it to Eddie, it hits Eddie in the chest and falls) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in Monica's bedroom. RichardThat's it? That's the giant number you were afraid to tell me?
MonicaWell yeah.
RichardWell, that's not bad at all. I mean, you had me thinking it was like a fleet.
MonicaYou really ok with it?
RichardOh honey, I'm fine.
MonicaOh, yay. Ok, about that two.
RichardWhat? All right, what about my two?
MonicaWell, it just seems like a really small number.
RichardRight, and...
MonicaAnd, well, don't you have a lot of wild oats to sow? Or is that what you're doing with me? Oh my God, am I an oat?
RichardHoney, you are not an oat. I, I mean I don't know, I, I guess I'm just not an oat guy. I've only slept with women I've been in love with.
MonicaBut you've only slept with two people.
MonicaWow. Oh wow. You know I love you too, right?
RichardNow I do. (they kiss and fall to the bed)
(Ross and Rachel are in Rachel's bedroom)
RachelRoss, Ross, please listen to me. Ross, you are so much better for me than Paolo ever was. I mean you care about me, you're loving, you make me laugh.
RossOh, hey, if I make you laugh, here's an idea, why don't you invite Paolo over and have a little romp in the sack and I'll just stand in the corner and tell knock-knock jokes.
RachelGod, Ross, look, what you and I have is special, all Paolo and I ever had was...
RossAnimal sex, animal sex? So what're you saying, I mean, you're saying that like, there's nothing between us animal at all. I mean there-there's not even like, uhm, a little animal, not even, not even like, like chipmunk sex?
RachelOk, Ross, try to hear me. Ok, I, hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Ok, it was good with Paolo.
RachelBut, what you and I have is so much better. Ok, we have tenderness, we have intimacy, we connect. You know, I swear, this is the best I have ever had.
RossUntil now. (jumps on Rachel on the bed)
RachelOh God!
(Later in the bathroom Monica is looking in the drawer, Rachel runs up)
RachelOh, hi!
MonicaHi. Richard just told me he love me.
RachelOh my God, honey, that's great.
MonicaI know. I just can't find...
RachelOh they're in the top drawer. Hurry.
MonicaYou need one too?
RachelOoooh yeah.
(They pull out the box of condoms but there's only one left)
MonicaI found it. There's only one.
MonicaHi. Uh, we'll be right there, we're just, we're trying to decide something. (Shuts the bathroom door)
Ross(comes out of the bedroom) Rachel. (growls then sees Richard standing there) Hey.
RichardHey. They're just trying to decide something.
RossOh good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different?
RossOh. How do you uh, you know, keep it so neat?
RichardI have a little comb.
RossOh. And what do you call that?
RichardA moustache comb.
RossThank you.
(Cut to bathroom)
RachelOk, I, I will do your laundry for one month.
RachelOk, ok, ok, I will, I will, I will, I, hey, I will clean the apartment for two months.
MonicaAll right, I tell you what, I'll give this to you now if you can tell me where we keep the dustpan.
RossSo were you in Nam?
(Cut to bathroom)
RachelOk you know what, you know what? We are both adults here. Right? Well there's got to be a mature way to handle this.
RachelYou got it.
Rachel and MonicaOne two three. (Rachel picks rock, Monica picks scissors)
MonicaFine, go have sex.
RachelThank you.
RichardNo. You have got it completely wrong. John Savage was Deer Hunter, no legs, Jon Voight was Coming Home, couldn't feel his legs.
RossNo, no way. You've got it totally the other way around my friend. Jon Voight was...
RossWhat, what oh....(Ross and Rachel go into her room)
RichardShall we?
MonicaIt's not gonna happen. They're doing it tonight, we can do it tomorrow.
RichardUh, in the future, if I could see the schedule beforehand... Monica and Rachel's apartment. All but Joey are present. ChandlerSo, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
ChandlerBecause he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
PhoebeWhy would you kill his fish?
ChandlerBecause sometimes, Phoebe, after you sleep with someone, you have to kill a fish.
RachelChandler honey, sorry. Ok, can we watch Joey's show now please? (They turn on the TV)
MonicaWait, he's not here yet.
RachelSo, he's on the show, he knows what happens.
ChandlerOh, I'm fine about my problem now, by the way.
RachelOh good.
Dr. RamorayAmber, I want you to know that I'll always be there for you, as a friend and as your brother.
AmberOh Drake.
Dr. HortonHard day huh? First the medical award, this.
Dr. RamorayYeah, some guys are just lucky I guess.
IntercomDr. Ramoray, report to first floor emergency, stat.
Dr. RamorayWell then, uh, I uhh, guess that's me. Anyone else need to go on the elevator? Dr. Horton, Dr. Wong?
Dr. HortonNo, no, they only said you.
Dr. RamorayOh, ok. All right.
AmberI love you Drake.
Dr. RamorayYeah, whatever. Oh no.
AmberDrake, look out.
Dr. RamorayAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
MonicaDid they just kill off Joey?
RossNo. (Sound of Dr. Ramoray's body hitting the bottom of the shaft) Now maybe. Joey's apartment. Everyone is outside knocking. RossCome on.
RossOpen up. We wanna talk to you.
JoeyI don't feel like talking.
RachelOh come on Joey, we care about you.
ChandlerWe're worried about you.
MonicaAnd some of us really have to pee.
(Joey opens the door)
MonicaSorry Joey (runs to the bathroom)
PhoebeListen, sorry about your death, that really sucks.
ChandlerWe came over as soon as we saw.
RossHow could you not tell us?
JoeyI don't know, I was kinda hoping no one would ever find out.
RachelWell, maybe they can find a way to bring you back.
JoeyNah, they said that when they found my body, my brain was so smashed in that the only doctor that could have saved me was me. Supposed to be some kind of irony or something.
PhoebeBut, Joey, you're gonna be fine. You don't need that show, it was just a dumb soap opera.
JoeyPhoebe, this was the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
PhoebeYes, I was going to incorporate that. Oh good, here's Monica, she'll have something nice to say.
MonicaUm, I straightened out your shower curtain so you won't get mildew. What? To me that's nice.
ChandlerIt's gonna be ok. You know that?
JoeyNo, I don't. It's like, you know, you work your whole life for something and you think that when you get it it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was. You know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre-approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life.
ChandlerI'm sorry man.
RachelYeah, Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you but you'll always be pre-approved with us.
JoeyNo, that means nothing to me. Chandler and Eddie's apartment. Chandler walks in to see Eddie holding a tray of cookies. ChandlerUhhhaahh.
EddiePecan sandie, just made 'em.
ChandlerYeah all right. What're these, raisins?
EddieUh, sure, why not.
Chandler(Throws it across the room while Eddie's not looking) Listen Eddie, um, I've been thinking about our current living situation and uh, why are you smiling?
EddieI got a little surprise, look. There's a new fishy. I named him uh, Chandler, you know, after, after you.
Chandler(Looks in the fish bowl to see a fish cracker, gives Eddie a confused look) Well that's not an, even a real fish. No, that's a goldfish cracker.
EddieSo what's your point man?
ChandlerOk, good night. (walks towards his room) You big freak of nature. Monica and Rachel's apartment. (Ross comes out of Rachel's bedroom in her bathrobe and heads for the bathroom. On his way back, Richard comes out of Monica's bedroom in her bathrobe.)
RichardOhh, brisk tonight.
RossOh man.
RichardLet's never speak of this.
RossYou got it.

Written by Alexa Junge and Michael Borkow; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp