Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is sleeping and Eddie is there watching him.
(Chandler wakes up)
ChandlerHey Eddie. Daahh!! What're you doing here?
EddieNothing roomy, just watching you sleep.
EddieMakes me feel um, peaceful, heh-heh, please.
ChandlerI can't sleep now.
EddieYou want me to sing?
ChandlerNo, look, that's it, it's over, I want you out, I want you out of the apartment now.
EddieWoah, woah, woah, what're, what're you talking about man.
ChandlerHannibal Lecter...better roommate than you.
EddieNo. See now I don't think you're being fair. I mean one night you see me and you get scared, I mean, what about all the other nights when you don't see me, huh? What about last night when you went and got a drink of water and I was nice enough to hide behind the door, what's that about, huh?
ChandlerI didn't realize that.
ChandlerGET OUT NOW!!
EddieOk, you really want me out?
EddieOk, then I want to hear you say it, I, I want to hear you say you want me out.
ChandlerI want you out.
EddieNo no no, I wanna hear it from your lips.
ChandlerWhere did you hear it from before?
EddieOh, right, all right, you know what pally, I understand, consider me gone, you know what I'll do? I'll go move into my brother's basement and when he finds out I'll go find some place else. You know what? I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow.
(Eddie leaves the room and Chandler mouths "Thank you" to himself)
EddieI heard that.
Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there, Joey enters wearing an old looking hat.
RachelHey. Whe-ell, look at you, finally got that time machine working huh?
JoeySeriously, you like it? This guy was selling 'em on 8th avenue and I looked at 'em and I thought, you know what I don't have?
JoeyFine, make fun. I think it's jaunty.
MonicaWow, for a guy who's recently lost his job, you're in an awfully good mood.
JoeyHey, I'll be all right. I mean it's not like I'm starting from square one. I was Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of Our Lives. Heh? I mean that's gotta have some kind of cachet.
JoeyChandler gave me word of the day toilet paper. I'm gonna get some coffee.
(Monica sees Joey's hat on the table and is anxious to put it on.)
RachelGo on! You know you want to.
(Monica puts it on and smiles happily.)
RachelNo. (Monica takes off the hat.)
PhoebeOooh, so so so, did you read the book?
MonicaOh my God, it was incredible.
PhoebeDidn't it like totally speak to you?
RachelWoah, woah, woah, what book is this?
MonicaRachel you have to read this book. It's called Be Your Own Windkeeper. It's about how women need to become more empowered.
PhoebeYeah and oh, and but there's, there's wind and the wind can make us Goddesses. But you know who takes our wind? Men, they just take it.
RachelMen just take our wind?
PhoebeYa-huh, all the time, 'cause they are the lightning bearers.
RachelWell that sounds kinda cool, it's kinda like The Hobbit.
MonicaIt is nothing like the Hobbit. God it's like reading about every relationship I've ever had, ex-except for Richard.
PhoebeOh yes, no, Richard would never steal your wind.
PhoebeNo, 'cause he's yummy.
MonicaYes. But all the other ones.
PhoebeOh yes. Oh and, the part about how they're always like drinking from our pool of inner power, but God forbid we should take a sip.
JoeyAnybody want a cruller?
PhoebeOk, this is a typical lightning-bearer thing. Right there, it's like, um, 'Hello, who wants one of my phallic shaped man cakes?'
Joey(looks at it) Who've you been dating?
Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Joey is there.
EstelleDon't worry about it already. Things happen.
JoeySo, you're not mad at me for getting fired and everything?
EstelleJoey, look at me, look at me. Do I have lipstick on my teeth?
JoeyNo, can we get back to me?
EstelleLook honey, people get fired left and right in this business. I already got you an audition for Another World.
JoeyAll right. Cab driver number two?
JoeyBut I was Dr. Drake Ramoray. How can I go from being a neurosurgeon to driving a cab?
EstelleHey, there was a time when I used to play pickle tickle with Rick Harrison. Things change, roll with them.
JoeyBut this is a two-line part, it's like taking a step backwards. I'm not gonna do this.
EstelleJoey, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Al Minser and his pyramid of dogs. Take any job you can get and don't make on the floor.
JoeyI'm sorry. See ya.
Central Perk. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Rachel has just finished reading the book.
RachelOh, God, oh, God, I mean it's just so-
RachelUhh, I mean this is like reading about my own life. I mean this book could-could've been called 'Be Your Own Windkeeper Rachel'.
PhoebeI don't think it would have sold a million copies but it would've made a nice gift for you.
RossHey you guys.
RossUh, sweetie we've gotta go.
RachelNo, why do we always have to do everything according to your timetable?
RossActually it's the movie theatre that has the timetable. So you don't miss the beginning.
RachelNo, see this isn't about the movie theatre, this is about you stealing my wind.
MonicaYou go girl. I can't pull that off can I?
RossExcuse me, your, your, your wind?
RachelYes, my wind. How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?
RossYou, you know I, I don't, have a- have a problem with that.
RachelOk, I just, I just really need to be with myself right now. I'm sorry.
RachelYou're right, I don't have to apologize. Sorry. Damn it!
Joey's apartment. Joey and Ross enter.
JoeyWhat is it?
RossI, I don't know, it's got all this stuff about wind and trees and there's some kind of sacred pool in it. I mean, I don't really get it but she's, she's pretty upset about it.
JoeySee, this is why I don't date women who read. Uh-oh.
RossWhat, what's that?
JoeyIt's my VISA bill. 'Envelope one of two.' That can't be good.
RossOpen it, open it.
JoeyOh my God.
JoeyLook at this, how did I spend so much money?
RossUh Joey, that's just the minimum amount due, that's your total due.
RossWhat, woah, woah, $3500 at porcelain safari?
JoeyMy animals. Hey the guy said they suited me, he spoke with an accent, I was all confused. I don't know what I'm gonna do.
RossWell I guess you can start by driving a cab on Another World.
JoeyThat's a two-line part.
RossJoey, you owe $1100 at I Love Lucite.
RossSo suck it up man, it's a job, it's money.
JoeyHey, look, I don't need you getting all judgmental and condescending and pedantic.
RossLook, I'm not being any of those things, ok, I'm just being realistic.
JoeyWell knock it off, you're supposed to be my friend.
RossI am your friend.
JoeyWell then tell me things like, 'Joey you'll be fine,' and, 'Hang in there,' and, and, 'Something big's gonna come along, I know it.'
RossBut I don't know it. What I do know is that you owe $2300 and isn't it chromatic.
JoeyHey Ross, I'm aware of what I owe.
RossOk, well then get some sense. I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job, who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another.
JoeyLook, I don't wanna hear this right now.
RossHuh, I'm just saying...
JoeyWell don't, just say.
RossYou know, maybe, maybe I should just go.
RossOk. I'll see you later. You just think about it, ok?
JoeyI don't need to think about it. I was Dr. Drake Remoray. That was huge. Big things are gonna happen, you'll see. Ross, you still there?
Hallway. Chandler comes up the stairs walking slowly and carefully to his apartment watching out for Eddie. Chandler makes it to his apartment. Chandler's apartment. Chandler peeks in the door. He doesn't see Eddie so he enters, breathing a sigh of relief. Eddie pops up from behind the bar.
ChandlerAhhhh-gaaaahhh. Eddie what're you still doing here?
EddieAh, just some basic dehydrating of a few fruits and vegetables. Man alive this thing's fantastic!
ChandlerLook Eddie, aren't you forgetting anything?
EddieOh yeah, that's right, look I got us a new goldfish. He's a lot feistier than the last one.
ChandlerMaybe 'cause the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm. Look, Eddie, isn't there something else you're supposed to be doing right now?
EddieWell, not unless it's got something to do with the hydrating, my man, 'cause right now I'm a dehydrating maniac!
ChandlerLook you have to help me out here. I thought we had a deal. I thought by the time...
EddieAh-ah-ah, you know what that is?
ChandlerYour last roommate's kidney?
EddieThat's-that's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display. (laughs annoyingly and walks out. Chandler laughs and then starts to sob.)
Central Perk. Joey goes up to the bar to order.
JoeyHey Gunther, let me get a lemonade to go.
GuntherLemonade? You ok man?
JoeyAh, it's career stuff. I don't know if you heard but they killed off my character on the show.
GuntherOh, that's too bad. How'd they do it?
JoeyI fell down an elevator shaft.
GuntherThat sucks. I was buried in an avalanche.
GuntherI used to be Bryce on All My Children.
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler is sleeping on the couch. Monica walks by and starts watching him.
(Chandler wakes up)
ChandlerWhy must everybody watch me sleep? There'll be no more watching me sleep, no more, watching.
Chandler's apartment. Chandler is returning from Monica and Rachel's with his bedding. Eddie is standing at the bar with his dehydrator and loads of fruit.
EddieHey man, check it out, I got some great new stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, got some apricots; I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons.
ChandlerGet out. Get out, get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.
ChandlerYou, move out. Take your fruit, your stupid small fruit and GET OUT!
EddieYou, you want, you want me to move out?
EddieI uh, I gotta tell you man, I mean, that's uh, it's kinda out of the blue, I mean don't you think?
ChandlerThis is not out of the blue, this is smack dab in the middle of the blue.
EddieOhhhh. Relax, take it easy buddy. Tell me twice, you want me to go? All right, alright, guess I'll be back for my stuff. (walks out the door and after a pause comes back in) But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane Jack!
ChandlerYou want some help.
EddieNo help required Chico. (reaches into the tank and grabs the fish and puts it in his pocket and leaves)
ChandlerYou don't see that everyday.
Joey is at the cab driver interview.
JoeyAll the way to the airport huh? You know that's over 30 miles, that's gonna cost you about so bucks.
Casting GuyExcuse me, that's 50 bucks.
Casting GuyFive o dollars.
JoeyOhh, you know what it is? It's smudgy 'cause they're fax pages. Now when I was on Days of Our Lives as Dr. Drake Ramoray, they'd send over the whole script on real paper and everything.
Casting GuyThat's great.
JoeyAnd, and just so you know, if you wanted to expand this scene like, like have the cab crash or something, I could attend to the victims 'cause I have a background in medical acting.
Casting GuyOk, listen, thanks for coming in.
JoeyNo no, uh, don't thank me for coming in. Uh, at least let me finish. Uh, we could take the expressway but uh, this time of day you're better off taking the budge. You were going for the word bridge there weren't ya. I'll have a good day. (gets up and leaves)
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is on the phone.
RachelNo ok honey, I know you didn't mean to. (listens) I know me too.
MonicaRach, hang up! You're supposed to be taking a Goddess quiz. You know, you should lose like 100 points just for calling your boyfriend in the middle of it.
Rachel(On the phone) Bye bye. (hangs up) God. (Walks over to the couch)
PhoebeOk, question number 28, have you ever allowed a lightning bearer to take your wind? I would have to say no.
MonicaAnd I would have to say pah-huh.
MonicaDo you not remember the puppet guy?
RachelYeah you like totally let him wash his feet in the pool of your inner power.
MonicaAnd his puppet too.
PhoebeYeah ok, well at least I didn't let some guy into the forest of my righteous truth on the first date.
RachelOk, ok, ok, moving on, moving on, next question. Ok number 29, have you ever betrayed another goddess for a lightning bearer? Ok, number 30.
MonicaWoah, woah, woah, let's go back to 29.
RachelNot uh, not to my recollection.
MonicaHuuh, all right, Danny Arshak, ninth grade. Oh, come on Rach, you know the bottle was totally pointing at me.
RachelOnly 'cause you took up half the circle.
PhoebeListen to you two. It's so sad. Looks like I'm gonna be going to the goddess meetings alone.
RachelWell not when they find out you slept with Jason Hurley an hour after he broke up with Monica.
MonicaThat was only an hour?
Phoebe(to Rachel) You are such a leaf blower!
Rachel(to Monica) Pool drainer!
Monica(to Rachel) Twig snapper.
Rachel(to Monica) Monkeybutt!
MonicaThat is not in the book!
RachelNo! But that's what you are!
(Monica goes into her room and slams the door. Rachel does the same. Phoebe, without a door to slam, opens a small chest and slams the lid.)
Joey's apartment. Joey is watching movers take all his stuff away.
JoeyOh hey uh, be careful with that 3-D Last Supper, Judas is a little loose.
Ross(Enters) Oh my God, what's going on?
JoeyThey're taking all my stuff back. I guess you were right.
RossNo look I wasn't right, that's what I came here to tell you. I was totally hung up on, on my own stuff the other day. Listen, I'm someone who needs the whole security thing, you know? To know exactly where my next paycheck is coming from, but you, you don't need that and that's amazing to me. I could never do what you do Joey.
RossYeah. And you should hold out for something bigger. I can't tell you how much respect I have for you not going to that stupid cab driver audition.
RossGreat, how did it go?
JoeyI didn't get it.
RossGood for you.
RossYou're living the dream.
RossAll right then.
Joey(Movers removing a glass parrot) Oh, not my parrot.
JoeyI can't watch this.
Ross(Approaching the mover holding the parrot) Hey hold on, hold on. How much for the uh, how much to save the bird?
RossDollars? You spent $1200 dollars on a plastic bird?
JoeyUhhh, I was an impulse buyer, near the register.
RossGo ahead, go ahead with the bird. Ok, do you have anything for around 200?
MoverUh, the dog. (points to a big porcelain greyhound)
RossHey-hey, I'll take it. (To Joey) My gift, to you man.
JoeyThanks Ross. I really like that bird though... (Ross stares at him) But, the dog, ohh.
Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting ignoring each other. Rachel walks up with two pieces of cake.
RachelHere are your cakes.
MonicaWe didn't order cake.
RachelNo, I know, they're from me. Look you guys this is not good. I mean we have enough trouble with guys stealing our wind without taking it from each other.
PhoebeI love you goddesses. I don't ever wanna suck your wind again.
RachelThank you. So are we good?
RachelOk, let me take these cakes back 'cause they're gonna take that out of my paycheck.
Chandler(enters) Ding dong, the psycho's gone.
MonicaAre you sure this time?
ChandlerYes, yes I actually saw him leave. I mean that guy is standing in the window holding a human head. He is STANDING IN THE WINDOW HOLDING A HUMAN HEAD!
Eddie(Enters) Check it out man, I tore it off some mannequin in the alley behind Macy's.
MonicaThere is no alley behind Macy's.
EddieSo I got it in the junior miss department, big diff. Anyway check it out man, it's gonna make a hell of a conversation piece at our next cocktail party, huh pal?
ChandlerOur next cocktail party?
EddieYeah, you know, put chips in it, we'll make like a chip chick, you know?
ChandlerEddie, do you remember yesterday?
EddieUh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.
ChandlerDo you remember talking to me yesterday?
ChandlerSo what happened?
EddieWe took a road trip to Las Vegas man.
ChandlerOh sweet Moses.
MonicaSo on this road trip, did you guys win any money?
EddieNah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?
EddieYeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.
PhoebeIs anyone else starting to really like him?
Hallway outside Chandler and Joey's apartment. Eddie walks up.
(Eddie tries his key and it won't work. He knocks and Chandler answers the door. He's got the door chained.)
ChandlerMay I help you?
EddieWhy doesn't my key work and what's all my stuff doing downstairs?
ChandlerWell, I'm, I'm sorry...(Eddie forces his head in the door) Ahhh. Have we met?
EddieIt's Eddie you freak, your roommate.
ChandlerI, I'm sorry, I uh (unchains the door and opens it all the way) I already have a roommate. (Joey turns around in the leather recliner)
ChandlerYeah, he's lived here for years, I don't, I don't know what you're talking about man.
EddieNo he, he moved out and I moved in.
ChandlerWell I, I think we would remember something like that.
JoeyI know I would.
EddieWell that's uh, that's a good point. Um ok, well, uh, I guess I got the wrong apartment then. I, I'm, look, I'm, you know, I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry.
JoeyHey no problem.
ChandlerSee ya. (shuts the door) Goodbye you fruit drying psychopath. So you want me to help you unpack your stuff?
JoeyNah, nah I'm ok. Oh and uh, just so you know, I'm not moving back in because I have to. Well, I mean, I do have to. It's just that that place wasn't really, I mean, this is...
ChandlerWelcome home man. (they hug and jump around)
JoeyA little foos?
JoeyWhat happened to the foosball?
ChandlerAh that's a cantaloupe.
Chandler and Joey's apartment. They are hauling out the porcelain dog from Joey's room. Chandler is holding the dog by the rear in a rather interesting position.
ChandlerHey look, are we gonna have to bring this out every time Ross comes over?
JoeyHe paid a lot of money for it.
ChandlerI'm gonna hold him a different way. Look I don't understand, if you hated it so much, why did you buy it in the first place?
JoeyWell, I had a whole ceramic zoo thing going over there but now, without the other ones, it just looks tacky.
ChandlerYeah with things like this more is always better. So is he housetrained or is he gonna leave little bathroom tiles all over the place? Stay. All right, STAY! Good fake dog.
Written by Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp