Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe enters to see Monica, Richard, Ross, and Rachel tearfully watching TV.
PhoebeHey. Watcha guys doing?
RichardMonica's making us watch Old Yeller.
PhoebeWhy are you guys so upset? It's Old Yeller, it's a happy movie.
RossWhat're you talking about?
PhoebeCome on, happy family gets a dog, frontier fun.
RossYeah but Pheebs, what about the end?
PhoebeWhat when Yeller saves the family from the wolf and everyone's happy?
RachelThat's not the end.
PhoebeYu-huh. That's when my mother would shut off the TV and say 'The end'.
MonicaWhat about the part where he has rabies?
PhoebeHe doesn't have rabies, he has babies. That's what my mom said.
RichardUh, Phoebe, I don't think your mom would want you to see what's about to happen.
PhoebeWhat, what's about to happen? (starts watching) I've never seen this part before. Hey, Travis, watcha doing with that gun? Oh no, no no Travis, put down the gun. No no no no, he he's your buddy, he's your Yeller, no, no no, the end, THE END. (hear the gunshot from the TV) Ok what kind of sick doggy snuff film is this?!
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard is on the balcony smoking and Monica is on the phone.
MonicaHey, have you guys eaten, because uh, Richard and I just finished and we've got leftovers... Chicken and potatoes... What am I wearing?...Actually, nothing but rubber gloves.
(Chandler and Joey come sprinting in)
JoeyYou know, one of these times you're gonna really be naked and we're not gonna come over.
MonicaOooh, that teach me a lesson. All right, I've got a leg, three breasts and a wing.
ChandlerWell, how do you find clothes that fit?
JoeyOh, hey, Monica, we got a question.
MonicaAll right, for the zillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no, I don't look.
JoeyNo, not that one. We're trying to figure out who to bring to the Knicks game tonight, we have an extra ticket.
ChandlerYeah, Ross can't go so it's between my friend Eric Prower who has breath issues and Dan with the poking. (starts poking Monica in the shoulder) 'Did you see that play? Do you want some more beer? Is that Spike Lee?'
MonicaOk. (Richard walks in) Hey, why don't you ask Richard?
JoeyOk, uh, hey Richard, if you had an extra ticket to the Knicks game and you had to choose between a friend who smells and one who bruises you who would you pick?
RichardWow. Well being a huge Knicks fan myself, I think you should take someone who's a huge Knicks fan.
ChandlerOk, that's Eric.
RichardGlad to be of help. Matches. (walks out to the balcony)
MonicaI meant, why don't you take Richard to the game? (Chandler and Joey make funny noises) What?
JoeyI don't know.
MonicaCome on. Keeps his fingers to himself and he's always minty fresh.
ChandlerI don't know, Richard's really nice and everything, uh, it's just that we don't know him really well, you know, and plus he's, you know, old (Monica gives him a glare) -er than some people, but, uh, younger than some buildings.
MonicaSo what, he's a little older, big deal, I mean he's important to me. You know if you ask him, he might take you on his Jag. (walks off)
JoeyHow do we say yes now and make it seem like we're not doing it just to ride in the cool car?
ChandlerOk, this could be tough.
Joey(Monica walks back in the kitchen) Ok ok ok ok. Monica, we'll bring him, but only if he takes the Jaguar.
Chandler(sarcastically) Ooh, you almost had it.
Ross's apartment. Ross is holding Ben.
Ross(Smells Ben's butt) No no, you're fine, you're fine.
Carol(Enters with Susan) Hello.
RossOh you guys are not gonna believe what happened.
RossOk, we were sitting over there playing on the floor and he grabs the table and he pulls himself up. He pulled himself up. Standing man. I'm sorry you guys missed it but I did tape it so it you guys wanna see it.
CarolUhh, we know, he already did it last week.
SusanYou can watch our tape if you want.
RossI don't believe this. I miss, I miss the first time of everything. I missed, what, the first time he rolled over, the first time he crawled. What else did I miss? Has he spoken yet, is he driving, does he have a favorite liquor?
CarolYou know, actually, he is getting closer on the talking thing. He can't quite say mama yet, but once he said Yemen.
RossSee, I don't know, I'm, I'm so sick of missing stuff. You know, I want him for more than, than a day, I want him for a whole weekend. No listen , I mean, I feel like-
Carol and SusanGreat. Fine. That would be great.
RossReally? I mean, I, I had a whole speech prepared.
SusanOh shoot, that would have been fun.
RossOh look, did, did you just see that? Did you see? He just waved, he just waved, he's never waved before, you've never waved before. Yes he has. Very good.
Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are there. Phoebe enters carrying video tapes.
RachelHey Pheebs, whatcha got there?
PhoebeOk, Love Story, Brian's Song, and Terms of Endearment.
MonicaWow, all you need now is The Killing Fields and some guacamole and you got yourself a part-ay.
PhoebeYeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.
(Chandler and Joey enter)
MonicaHey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him?
JoeyYeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.
MonicaSo'd you guys have fun?
ChandlerYour boyfriend is so cool.
ChandlerYeah, he let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks, me for 15.
RachelWow, he must like you the best.
JoeyOh, what about that thingy he did when he tipped the guy who showed us to our seats. You never even saw the money, it was like this. (With money in his palm) Hey Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats (shakes his had and passes the dollar).
ChandlerYou're welcome. Hey Joey, thanks for parking the car (passes the dollar back).
JoeyNo problem. Hey Chandler-
ChandlerI think they get it.
ChandlerThere's the man.
JoeyHe-he-eyy. (Shakes his had and passes the dollar)
RichardHey, you're getting better. I'm gonna keep this by the way.
JoeyOk. He kept my dollar.
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Carol and Susan are dropping off Ben.
MonicaSo your first whole weekend without Ben, what're you guys gonna do?
CarolUh, we're going down to Colonial Williamsburg.
SusanYeah, a woman I went to college with just became the first female blacksmith down there.
RossWell, you know, they're a little behind the times in Colonial Williamsburg.
CarolThink I better go before mommy starts weeping.
Carol and SusanWe love you. Bye.
RossHave a good time. Ok, Ben.
MonicaLook. (they look at Joey in the kitchen with a cigar in his mouth, looking at his reflection in a spatula) Joey, do you know we can see you from here?
JoeyHow come Richard looks so much cooler with one of these than me?
RossWell for starters, you may wanna light it and lose the spatula.
MonicaYou know what, I think it's cute, you trying to be more like Richard.
JoeyNot like him, per se, just not un-like him.
(Chandler enters with his hair full of mousse and a cheesy moustache)
RossLook it's the artist formerly known as Chandler.
ChandlerJust trying something here, you know.
MonicaSo Joey, why didn't you grow a moustache?
JoeyOh we flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the moustache. We figured if we both grew it, we'd look like dorks.
RossYeah, you really sidestepped that landmine.
ChandlerHey listen, we gotta go, I promised Richard we'd meet him downstairs.
MonicaYou're meeting Richard?
JoeyYeah, we're going to a Ranger game.
ChandlerYeah, didn't he tell ya?
MonicaWell, he told me he was going out with the guys, I just didn't know that you were the guys.
ChandlerYou hear that? We're the guys.
JoeyWe're the guys.
MonicaWith that moustache doesn't Chandler remind you of Aunt Sylvia?
Central Perk. Rachel is working. Ross enters with Ben.
RossHi, we're visiting. It's Ben and his da-da. Da-da. Can you say da-da? Look, I'm gonna tell your mommies you said it anyway so you might as well try.
RachelNo luck huh?
RossNah. A while ago I got a sah out of him, which I thought, you know, might turn into sah-condary caregiver but... Hey, would you uh, would you hold him for a sec, 'cause I, I gotta take this off.
RachelOh, yeah sure, Ok. (she takes Ben and holds him at arms length)
RossWhat're you doing?
RachelUh, I'm holding Ben.
RossYeah, well, he's a baby, not a bomb.
RossWell just hold him like you'd hold a football.
RachelThis is how I would hold a football.
RossOk, here, here. There we go.
RachelOk, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with babies. I mean I haven't been around them, I mean, you know, since I was one.
RossIt's all right, it's no big deal.
RossYeah, definitely, I'm sure you'll feel totally different when it's our baby.
RachelYou think about stuff like that?
RossUhh, yeah. I mean, actually I kinda think that we'll have, we'll have two babies.
RachelTwo, two babies?
RossYeah. Ya know, a boy and a girl. Hopefully the girl will come first so Ben here won't feel too competitive you know.
RachelThen what's gonna happen?
RossWell, we won't wanna raise kids in the city so we'll probably move to uh, Scarsdale.
RossYeah, that way, I figure, you know, we'll be far enough away from our parents that we don't have to see them all the time but close enough that they can come over and babysit whenever we want. And yes, I know, the taxes are a little higher than, let's say, Nassau County but the school system's supposedly great.
RachelWow. Wow, that's great. Great. Ok, wow, you know what?
RachelI'm off my break now so uh, um here, you take this (hands back Ben) and um, I am gonna go pour these very nice people some coffee. Ok. Oh look at that, I don't have a pot. I don't have a pot. Well, hey, maybe I've got one at home, or in Scarsdale. Hey is that a door? (leaves)
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are there. Phoebe enters.
RichardHey Pheebs, what's happening?
PhoebeOh, ok, murder, cancer, soccer teams eating each other in the Andes.
RichardI was just really making small talk.
PhoebeOk, well I was just venting.
MonicaSo you watched the movies huh?
PhoebeUh huh, what is happening to the world? I mean, no no no, 'cause ET leaves, and and Rocky loses, Charlotte dies.
PhoebeWith the web, the spider, she dies, she does. She has babies and dies. It's like, you know, hey welcome, home from the hospital, thud.
MonicaAlright, you wanna feel better?
MonicaOk, here, watch this.
PhoebeIt's a Wonderful Life. Yes I've heard of this.
MonicaSo you can't lose, it's there in the title. Wonderfulness is baked right in.
PhoebePlease, I almost fell for that with, uh, Pride of the Yankees, I thought I was gonna see a film about Yankee pride and then, boom, the guy gets Lou Gehrig's disease.
RichardUh, the guy was Lou Gehrig. Didn't you kinda see it coming?
PhoebePhoebe, just watch that, I promise it will restore all your faith in humanity.
Chandler(runs in) Hey, big guy, game time.
RichardHey, be right there.
MonicaThere's a game?
ChandlerUh, yeah, I just got my pick-up sticks back from the shop. Bring your nerves of steel.
RichardIt's the basketball playoff.
MonicaListen, um honey, I appreciate this but you don't have to keep hanging out with them for me, I mean, they have each other.
RichardOh, no, honey, I mean, don't worry, I like hanging out with those guys. It's fun for me. They're different than my other friends, they don't start sentences with, 'You know who just died shoveling snow?'
MonicaAll right that's great, then just go. Go Knicks.
RichardUh, it's the college playoffs.
MonicaOh, then go Vassar.
RichardUh, they're not in it.
MonicaOk, then just go.
MonicaOh, why does this bother me so much? I mean I-I don't wanna be one of those people who tells their boyfriend they wanna spend 24 hours a day with them.
MonicaIt's just that he doesn't have that much free time, you know, and I don't know, what do I do?
PhoebeDoes it matter? You're ultimately just gonna die or get divorced or have to blow your pets head off.
PhoebeMe too. (leaves)
MonicaWait-wait a sec, I got a question. Richard made plans again with the guys.
RachelYeah well, Ross just made plans for the whole century.
MonicaAnd You know what, I think I'm gonna go to my room and read Cosmo, maybe there's something helpful in there. Now at least maybe I can learn how to do an at home bikini wax with leftover Christmas candles.
Ross(enters) Ok, what the hell happened back there?
RachelI don't know, you tell me. One minute I'm holding Ben like a football, the next thing I know, I've got two kids, I'm living in Scarsdale complaining about the taxes.
RossWell I'm sorry, I think about stuff. You know, I mean, you're at work, you're assembling bones, your mind wanders.
RachelRoss, you have planned out the next 20 years of our lives, we've been dating for six weeks.
RossOh come on, what, you never think about our future?
RachelYes, but I, I think about who's apartment we're gonna sleep at tomorrow night and, and where we're gonna have dinner next Saturday night. I do not think about what our children's names are gonna be. You know what our children's names are gonna be.
RossNo, no, I mean, you know, I, I read a book and there was a girl named Emily and I thought, I thought that might be good.
RachelWhat was the book?
RossThe big book of childrens' name.
RachelOk, Ross, Ross, ok listen, what we have is amazing.
RachelBut I do not wanna have everything decided for me. I spent my whole life like that. It's what I had with Barry, that was one of the reasons I left. I, I like not knowing right now and I'm sorry if that scares you but if you wanna be with me you are gonna have to deal with that.
RossWe're not done.
RachelI didn't know that.
RossOk, then you're gonna have to understand that you're with a guy who's not gonna stop planning his future with you because he knows that we're gonna end up together and if that scares you, tough, 'cause you're gonna have to deal with that.
RachelFine, I will.
RossGood, 'cause I love you.
RachelWell I love you too.
RossWell that's the first time we've said that.
RachelYes it is.
RossWell, I'm gonna kiss you.
RachelWell you better.
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen, Phoebe enters.
PhoebeHey. Oh thanks for the great movie tip.
MonicaYeah did you like it?
PhoebeOh yeah. You know, I don't know if I was happier when um George Bailey destroyed the family business or um, Donna Reed cried, or when the mean pharmacist made his ear bleed.
MonicaAll right, I'll give you the ear thing but don't you think the ending was pretty wonderful?
PhoebeI didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should've been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."
Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Joey are playing Richard at foosball.
ChandlerKick save and... denied.
RichardBut... he gets it back, pass to the middle, lines it up and... BAM! Yes! Could that shot BE any prettier?
JoeyMan you are incredible.
RichardWell, we had a table in college.
ChandlerOh really, I didn't know they had foosball in the 1800's.
RichardNice moustache by the way. When puberty hits that thing's really gonna kick in.
Monica(enters) Honey. Uh, not to sound too Florence Henderson but, dinner's on the table.
RichardOk, just one more point.
Monica(Grabs the other two bars on Richard's side and scores) Score! Now can we go?
ChandlerSee, that's why we don't let her play.
RichardIs everything all right?
ChandlerOh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hogging so much of his time.
JoeyYeah, he-he-he's just really great to hang out with.
JoeyNo no, seriously, Chandler and I were just talking about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. (Chandler starts kicking him below the table) I mean, you know, our dad's are ok, you know, but Richard is just-(Chandler kicks him) ow, ow. What are you kicking me for? Huh? I'm trying to talk here.
RichardUh, you guys see me as a dad?
ChandlerYou're just, you're just clearly not familiar with our young persons vernacular. See, when we say dad, we mean buddy. We mean pal.
ChandlerNo no no, seriously, I, Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.
RichardThat's fine. Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening and I guess I'll just see you kids around.
ChandlerYou're not a dad. You're not a dad.
JoeyNot a dad.
ChandlerI can't believe you got us into trouble. (Slaps Joey on the arm. Joey takes exception and slaps him back. Chandler slaps him back then Joey slaps him twice on the arm and runs into his bedroom while Chandler chases him.)
Monica(She and Richard return to her place) So are you ok?
RichardYeah, just, I feel like I'm about a hundred. I thought I was just one of the guys.
MonicaCome here. I'll make you feel like one of the guys. You know for a really cool guy, you suck at foosball.
RichardWhat're you talking about, I was killing them.
MonicaYeah, well they suck too.
Ross's apartment. Rachel is changing Ben's diaper under Ross's supervision.
RossOk, and then you take the poopie diaper and you put it in the poopie diaper pail.
RachelOk Ross, just so you know, calling it a poopie diaper doesn't make this process any cuter.
Ross(Doorbell buzzes) Hello.
RossCome on up. I'm gonna get the rest of his stuff together. (Walks in his room)
RachelOk, we can do this now, can't we Ben? Yes we can, yes we can. (Finishes the diaper) There. I did it. Ha-ha, I did it. Look at that, oh, stays on and everything. Hi.
RachelI'm sorry, what did you just say? Did you just say hi? Oh my God, Ross, Ross, Ben just said 'Hi'.
RachelBen just said hi.
RossWhat, the word hi?
RachelYe-, no, my Uncle Hi.
RossGreat, great, and I miss that too, I miss everything.
RachelOh, I'm sorry, I guess I just bring it out in him.
Carol and SusanHello.
RachelGuess what? Ben just said his first word.
CarolWhat did he say?
RossSomething about hi.
SusanThat's so exciting.
CarolMommy is so proud of you. Hi. Hi.
RachelYou know, actually it's more like, hi.
SusanOk, this could go on for a while.
CarolYou're right, we got a cab waiting downstairs.
RossWell, this was fun. Uh, we should really do it again sometime, Ben, what do you say? Ok. All right so I've got him.
RossTuesday right. Ok, bye you guys.
RachelDid, did he just, did he, did he just say, he said bye. He said bye. You said, you said bye to me. You said bye to me.
SusanSuddenly I'm seeing him go off to college.
CarolWe gotta go, we got that cab downstairs.
RossOKay, alright, alright, ok.
SusanSee you later.
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe is watching Bert and Ernie with Ben.
ErnieOh wow, look at this nice deep hole I've been digging. Hey Bert, isn't this a neece nice hole here. Hey.
Phoebe(Pauses the tape) Ok, Ben, this is the part where Ernie buries Bert in the sand and can't find him. Now, I've looked ahead on the tape and he does find him again. But, ok, before that happens, there's some pretty reef going for a while, but I think we can handle it. And, there's just the alphabet, but we know that ends well. So, Ok, here we go. (starts the tape again)
ErnieBert, Bert. Bert. Hey, what happened to my friend Bert? He was here just a moment ago. Oh no, my old friend Bert is lost.
PhoebeOh, I'm so glad you're here.
Witten by Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins; Teleplay by Adam Chase; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp