{bully - sb who frightens or hurts sb who is smaller or weaker than they are} Monica and Rachel's apartment. Everyone is there. Monica is watching stock prices on a business channel. JoeyHey Monica, why are we watching the business channel?
MonicaOh, 'Cause I was going by it the other day and I saw that there was a stock with my initials, MEG, on it and, well, sometimes I have to watch for two or three hours before it comes up again but when it does, it's pretty exciting.
RachelOk honey, you really need a job.
RossMon, speaking of which, dad says he knows someone you can call for an interview.
PhoebeOk, right there. That, that's the third sign today. Right there. 
RossOk, on behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say behuh.
PhoebeNo, 'cause you just said dad and everywhere I go today I keep getting signs telling me to go see my father. Like when I was walking over here and I passed a buffet...which is my father's last name.
PhoebeAnd they were serving franks which is his first name minus the s at the end. And there was a rotisserie with the spinning chicken.
MonicaHis Indian name?
PhoebeNo, because I chickened out the last time when I tried to meet him. So I mean coincidences? I don't think so.
AllFreakish. Wow. Wicked. Weird, weird.
RachelOk, so, who wants the uh last hamburger?
PhoebeOh, alright, that's it, now I have to go see him.
PhoebeHamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.
ChandlerAnd E-I-E-I-O is what your mom said when your dad left her.
PhoebeNo! Central Perk. Chandler and Ross enter in sweats carrying rackets. ChandlerMan, I am so beat.
RossOh, yeah.
ChandlerHey, you just wanna forget about racquetball and hang out here?
RossYeah alright.
(They sit at the couch)
Big Bully(walks back from the counter) Hey you're in our seats.
RossOh, sorry we didn't know.
Little Bully(walks back from the counter) Hey, we were sitting there.
ChandlerOk, there is one more way to say it, who knows it?
Little BullyIs that supposed to be funny?
ChandlerNo actually, I was just going for colorful.
Big BullyWhat's with this guy?
Little BullyWhat's with you?
RossUh, nothing, nothing's with him. Enjoy your coffee.
(As they're walking off, little bully grabs Chandlers hat from behind and puts it on himself)
ChandlerWhat just happened?
Little BullyI just took your hat. See, I can be funny too. My, my joke is that I, I took your hat.
ChandlerThat, that is funny. Can I have it back?
Little BullyNo.
Big BullyNo.
RossOk, ok, you know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke. But, come on guys, just, just give him back the hat.
Big BullyWhy should we?
RossBecause it's a special hat. (Chandler looks at Ross funny) See, he bought it because he was feeling really down one day so he got the hat to cheer himself up, you know. Now Chandler...
ChandlerStop talking, stop talking now. Let me just get this straight. You're actually stealing my hat?
Big BullyYou got a problem with that?
ChandlerNo, just wanna make sure we're on the same page. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey and Rachel are sitting there talking. JoeyI'm telling you Rach. I've gone Dad hunting with Phoebe before. This is a very scary thing for her. She gets real vulnerable and..that's why we're there to... you know, be supportive and crap.
RachelOk. Will you just let me know when to do which.
(Monica enters.)
RachelHey, how'd the interview go?
MonicaIt bit. It was a 50's theme restraunt. I have to cook in a costume and dance on the counter. I mean, I was a sous chef at Cafe des Artistes. I mean how could I take a job where I have to make something called Laverne and Curly Fries?
RachelSo don't do it.
MonicaHow can I not do it? I have $127 in the bank.
JoeyMonica, relax, go get a beer.
MonicaI don't want a beer.
JoeyWho said it was for you?
Ross and Chandler(both enter looking down) Hhhiiii.
RachelWhat's the matter with you?
ChandlerThe mean guys at the coffee house took my hat.
JoeyYou're kidding.
RossIt was ridiculous. You know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, you know. We're grown ups, this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.
RachelHi. (Ross turns to Rachel and they hug)
ChandlerOhhh (turns as if to hug someone) Oh no, wait a minute, I have no one.
JoeyHey, woah, let's go down there and get your hat back.
ChandlerNah, forget it, it's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.
Monica(reading newspaper) Hey, I went up.
MonicaMy stock, MEG, it went up 2 points. Hey guys, do you realize that if I had invested my $127 in myself yesterday that I'd like have...a lot more than that today. You know what, I'm gonna do it.
JoeyDo what?
MonicaPut all my money in me.
RachelMonica, what're you talking about? You don't know the first thing about the stock market.
MonicaWhat's to know? Buy, sell, high, low, bears, bulls...(on the phone) Yes Manhattan...yeah telephone number of the stock...selling store. Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe pulls up in the cab with Rachel and Joey in the back. (Phoebe slams on the breaks. Joey and Rachel are thrown forward into the pillows in their laps.)
JoeySee, didn't I tell ya these pillows would be a good idea?
PhoebeOh God, here we go. For the first time in my life I'm gonna say 'Hi birthfather'.
RachelWe love you, we're here for you.
JoeyYeah, good luck, good luck.
PhoebeThanks. (gets out of the cab)
JoeyHey Rach, you uh, you want some sandwich?
RachelOhh, what is in that?
JoeyOlive loaf and ham spread, no mayo.
RachelNo no, 'cause mayo, that would make it gross.
Phoebe(a little dog starts attacking her leg) Hey, hey, no, oh oh.
RachelRun, Phoebe run.
PhoebeNo no no, doggy please. Oh, I do so wanna love all animals, please no.
JoeyGet him a bone, get a bone. You gotta bone?
RachelAre you kidding me?
PhoebeLook kibbles, bits. Oh God, alright, get the hell off my leg you yippity piece of crap. (Flings the dog off and jumps in the cab. The dog keeps jumping up to the window.) Ok, alright, we have a problem.
JoeyWell why don't you just reach out and take his trampoline.
RachelOk, here, I know what we can do. (grabs Joey's sandwich and throws it out the window)
JoeyHey, hey, hey no.
RachelOk, doggy get the- aahhh. Ok go get the sandwich, get the sandwich doggy. (dog ignores the sandwich) Good doggy get the sandwich, get the...ok, Joey, the dog will lick himself but he will not touch your sandwich, what does that say?
JoeyWell if he's not gonna eat it, I will.
PhoebeAre you crazy?
JoeyPheebs, he's just a little dog. (turns back to the car window and the dog is halfway through it.) Ahhh. Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting at the couch. ChandlerHey.
ChandlerDo you have to be a Century 21 real estate agent to get to wear those really cool jackets?
RossDo you say this stuff to girls?
Big BullyHehehehey, isn't that the guy who used to wear your hat?
Little BullyAnd look where they're sitting.
RossYou're joking, right? You guys just walked through the door.
Big BullyMaybe we didn't make it clear enough.
Little BullyYeah.
Big BullyThis couch belongs to us.
ChandlerAlright, I'll tell you what, you call the couch and then, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.
Little BullyYou know what I don't like about you? You always got something to say.
ChandlerWell that....(doesn't know what else to say)
Big BullyYou know what I keep wondering? Why you two are still sitting here.
RossAlright, that's it. I've had enough of this, alright? Gunther, these guys are trying to take our seat.
GuntherFellas, these guys were here first.
BulliesOh, sorry. I'm sorry, Didn't realize.
GuntherThere you go.
RossThank you Gunther. (to the Bullies) We didn't wanna have to go and do that.
Little BullyHe told on us?
Big BullyYou told on us?
RossWell pal, you didn't give me much of a choice. (flicks the ends of the big bully's tie)
ChandlerDon't play with this thing.
RossI know.
Big BullyAlright, let's take this outside.
RossLet's, let's take this outside? Who talks like that?
Big BullyThe guy who's about to kick your ass talks like that.
ChandlerYou had to ask.
(The bullies grab the back of the couch that Ross and Chandler are sitting in and tip back)
RossOk, ok look, see, the thing is we're, we're not gonna fight you guys.
Little BullyWell then here's the deal, you won't have to so long as never ever show your faces in this coffee house ever again.
ChandlerI think you played the Gunther card too soon. Back in the cab in front of Phoebe's dad's house. JoeyHey Pheebs, I-I think you're good to go.
PhoebeYeah, I don't know.
RachelWhat's the matter?
PhoebeI just think that this was a really bad sign, you know. I mean, like the beast at the threshold, you know. It's just, I have like no family left, you know. I mean, except for my grandmother, you know, but let's face it, she's not gonna be around forever, despite what she says. And I have a sister who I've barely spoken to since we like shared a womb. I don't know, this is my real father, and I just, I want things to be like just right.
RachelYeah Phoebe, I completely understand.
JoeyYeah, whatever you need. Hey, you wanna go home?
PhoebeOk, thanks. Sorry again.
(She starts the cab and pulls forward. We hear a squish and a dog yelp.)
Phoebe(innocently) What was that?
JoeyUhh, I'm guessing the threshold's clear now. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is eating breakfast, Rachel has just gotten up, and Monica is on the phone. MonicaI wanna buy 5 shares of SGJ and I wanna buy them now. Come on, the time is money my friend. Thank you. Wooo.
RachelTime is money my friend?
JoeyYeah, you missed, 'Takes money to make money,' and uh, 'Don't make me come down there and kick your Wall Street butt.'
MonicaHey, I made $17 before breakfast, what have you done?
JoeyWell uh, I had breakfast here so technically I saved $3.50.
RachelHow did you make $17?
MonicaWell, my financially challenged friends, I split my money and I bought some shares of CHP and ZXY.
JoeyHow come those?
MonicaWell, CHP because I used to have a crush on Eric Estrada. And ZXY becuase I think it sounds zexy.
RachelWhat happened to uh, MEG?
MonicaMEG was good for me but I dumped her. You know, my motto is get out before they go down.
JoeyThat is so not my motto.
Phoebe(enters) Hey.
RachelHey Pheebs. Oh hey, how's the dog?
PhoebeOk, I talked to the vet, people are so nice Upstate. Anyway, he said that the little fella's gonna be ok and I can pick him up tomorrow.
RachelOh, thank God.
PhoebeYeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.
{Once in a Blue Moon ... is a common way of saying not very often, but what exactly is a Blue Moon?
According to the popular definition, it is the second Full Moon to occur in a single calendar month.
The average interval between Full Moons is about 29.5 days, whilst the length of an average month is roughly 30.5 days. This makes it very unlikely that any given month will contain two Full Moons, though it does sometimes happen.
On average, there will be 41 months that have two Full Moons in every century, so you could say that once in a Blue Moon actually means once every two-and-a-half years.}
RachelOk, so Phoebe, now are you gonna call your dad and let him know that his dog is ok?
PhoebeI, I don't wanna meet my father over the phone. What am I gonna say, like 'Hi, I'm Phoebe, the daughter you abandoned. Oh, by the way, I broke your dog.'
JoeyHey Pheebs, if you want, I'll do it.
PhoebeOk. Listen, just don't say anything about me, ok. (goes over and grabs the phone that's sitting by Monica)
MonicaDON'T...be too long with the phone.
RachelOk, she'll be a much better friend once the market closes.
Joey(dials the phone) It's a woman.
PhoebeOk, so talk to her.
Joey(in a deep fake voice) Uhh, hello Miss Buffay. I know where your dog is. I want you to know that he'll be returned to you, almost as good as new, within, within 24 hours. Uh, goodbye. (hangs up)
RachelWhy the voice.
Joey(in the voice) Hard to say. Chandler and Joey's apartment. Ross is sitting at the bar, Chandler serves up two mugs of hot water. ChandlerYour cappuccino sir.
RossThank you.
(They both pour in packets of cappuccino mix.)
ChandlerYou know I think this is much better than the coffee house.
(They both stir their coffee and proceed to stare into the mugs)
RossHow come it's not mixing with the water?
ChandlerWell the package says you have to uh, constantly keep it moving. Stir and drink, stir and drink, never let it settle.
(They both try to drink while continuously stirring)
Joey(walks out of his room) Hey, this is ridiculous. I'll tell you what. After I get back from my niece's christening, I'll go down to the coffee house with you and we'll all have a nice cup of coffee alright? No problem, Joey's there.
RossNo. Man I don't wanna have to have Joey with me every time I wanna a decent cup of coffee. You know, and I don't wanna spend the rest of my life drinking cappuccino with a 'K'. I say you and I go back down there and stand up to those guys.
ChandlerAlright, hang on a second there Custer.
JoeyYeah really, Ross, have you ever been beaten up before?
RossYeah, sure.
JoeyBy someone besides Monica?
RossNo. So what? So what if we get beaten up, maybe that's just something every man has to go through once in his life. You know, like a, like a rite of passage or something.
ChandlerWell, couldn't we just lose our virginities again? You know, because I think actually mine's growing back.
RossAll right, are you with me or not?! Come on!
ChandlerEhhhhh all right I'm with you. Just a...let me put on a clean pair of underwear for the hospital. Outside Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is returning. Monica(Opens the door) I need to borrow a hundred bucks.
MonicaHi, welcome home. (pulls Rachel inside) I need to borrow a hundred bucks.
RachelFor what?
MonicaI've gotta get back in the game.
RachelWhy, when did you get out of the game?
MonicaI don't know, I lost it all ok? I lost it.
RachelOh no.
MonicaHey, I've come to terms with it, you have to too.
RachelOk. Look uhh, Mon I'm, I'm really sorry.
MonicaYeah, yeah, yeah, where are we on the hundred bucks?
RachelI, I don't have it.
MonicaBut I need it. Otherwise I'm gonna have to take that horrible diner job. You know, with the dancing and the costumes. I don't wanna have to wear flame retardant boobs.
RachelNobody does, honey. Phoebe's dad's house. Phoebe is returning the dog who is bandaged up and has a plastic cone around it's neck. PhoebeHi.
Mrs. BuffaySchnoodle. Oh my God, what the hell happened to my dog?
PhoebeIt was an accident, and, and you know the woman who did this would never ever hurt a dog on purpose. She's a vegetarian.
Mrs. BuffayWhat are these, stitches?
PhoebeYeah, eight of 'em. And that's 56 to him. You know also, if, if it's raining, you can't let him look up too long 'cause that cone'll fill up really really fast.
Mrs. BuffayYeah well, thanks for bringing back what's left of him.
PhoebeSure, oh, is, is Frank home?
Mrs. BuffayHow do you know Frank?
PhoebeJust from a, from a long time ago. Is he here?
Mrs. BuffayYeah. Frank.
FrankYeah. What? (a young guy comes around the corner)
PhoebeOh, ok, um, I mean Frank senior.
Mrs. BuffayHe went out for groceries.
PhoebeOk so will he be back soon?
Mrs. BuffayWell he left four years ago so we're expecting him back any minute now.
PhoebeAlright, I'm, I'm gonna go. I'm sorry, about the dog, everything. I'm sorry.
(She turns to leave, Frank follows)
FrankHey lady. Hey wait up. How do you know my dad?
PhoebeUm well I don't really. Just genetically. He's kinda my dad too.
PhoebeYeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?
FrankNo, but he didn't really talk about anything.
FrankExcept stilts.
FrankYeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.
PhoebeI don't know what to do with that.
FrankMe neither. So you're like my big sister?
FrankWell this is huge, you can buy me a beer.
PhoebeI'm not gonna. But you know what's cool though? Ok, if you had a friend named Pete, then I could say, 'Oh yeah I know, I know Pete, he's friends with my brother.'
FrankI gotta friend named Mark.
PhoebeThat'll work too.
FrankCool, alright. So, maybe, you know, I could give you a call sometime, we could talk or something, you know.
PhoebeYeah, that'd be ok.
PhoebeOk, I'm in the book.
FrankOk, yeah.
PhoebeAlright. So um, stilts huh?
FrankYeah hey, you know if you want I can take you around back and show you where he hit his head on the rain gutter.
PhoebeOk. Central Perk. Chandler and Ross are sitting on the couch nervously. RossWell we did it, we're here. We are standing our ground. How long does a cup of coffee take?
ChandlerWould you come on! Come on! (waitress brings their coffee) Thank you.
(They rush to put the cream and sugar in their cups and gulp down a few drinks)
ChandlerAh, There we go.
RossI think we proved our point.
ChandlerYou burnt your mouth?
RossCannot feel my tongue.
(They leave. As they're walking out, the bullies are walking in.)
ChandlerBullies, big bullies.
Little BullyOh, look who's here, it's the weenies.
Big BullyDid we not make ourselves clear the other day.
RossYes, and that's why we're here.
ChandlerYes, we're standing our ground...apparently.
Little BullyLet's do this alright.
RossWoah, ho-ho, what you got there, a weapon?
Little BullyIt's a nice watch, I don't wanna break it on your ribs.
ChandlerAlright, let's do this.
Little BullyAlright.
(They all put up their fists and prepare to fight)
ChandlerQuestion. If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon?
RossWhat'd you mean?
ChandlerWell, it's sharp, it's metal, I think I can do some, you know, serious damage with it.
Big BullyNo, you can't use your watch.
ChandlerOk. (reaches in his pocket)
Big BullyOr your keys.
Little BullyLook, here's what we'll do. We'll put all keys and watches in the hat over there. Alright. (They all put their keys and watches in the hat and put it on a mail box) Alright, come on man, let's do this.
(They all jump in the street and prepare to fight)
RossBefore I forget, are we hitting faces?
Big BullyOf course we're hitting faces, why wouldn't you hit faces?
RossWell because I have to work on Monday, I have a big presentation.
Little BullyActually, you know, uh, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow and uh, you know, this no faces thing might not be a bad idea.
Big BullyOk, nothing from the neck up. (everyone gets ready for the fight) Or the waist down. Dana's ovulating.
Little BullyOh really, you guys trying again?
Big BullyYeah.
ChandlerOk, so let me just get this straight. So we're uh, strictly talking about the middle?
Big BullyCOME ON!
RossHey, hey, woah, you want some of this, huh? You want a piece of this, huh? I'm standing here, huh.
ChandlerHey, hey, those guys are taking our stuff! (Some guy runs off with the hat)
Big BullyHey.
(They all run off after the guy) Central Perk. The four guys are returning after getting the hat back. RossGod, that was, that was amazing, that was incredible. You guys, you guys kicked butt.
Little BullyUs, what about you guys? Man you really, bing, gave it to old Mr. Clean back there. He was a big guy.
RossYeah he was, wasn't he.
ChandlerYeah, I wouldn't know having missed everything.
Big BullyOhh, don't do that to yourself. Anyone of us could've tripped over that little girls jump rope.
RossSo, listen guys, are we uh, are we ok here?
Little BullyWe're ok.
ChandlerOk so, can I have my hat back?
Little BullyNo.
ChandlerHuh. (reaches over and grabs the hat and bolts for the door but slips and falls behind the couch) The 50's theme cafe. Monica is working the grill, the rest are at a table. RachelOh my God, look at her.
ChandlerHi Monica.
JoeyHe-he-he, how's it going?
PhoebeHey nice boobs.
ChandlerGuys guys, check this out.
(Chandler puts a coin in the mini jukebox at the table. Y.M.C.A. starts playing and Monica and the rest of the staff have to get on the counter and start singing along and dancing. After a couple of courses, Chandler pulls out a handful of coins and drops them on the table.)

Written by Sebastian Jones & Brian Buckner; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp