Moondance Diner. Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are sitting at the counter, Monica is working. Monica is wearing her costume, including big fake breasts.
MonicaSo, I'll get candles and my mom's lace tablecloth, and since it's Rachel's birthday, I mean, we want it to be special, I thought I'd poach a salmon.
RossQuestion. Why do we always have to have parties where you poach things?
MonicaYou wanna be in charge of the food committee?
RossQuestion two. Why do we always have to have parties with committees?
JoeyReally. Why can't we just get some pizzas and get some beers and have fun?
PhoebeYeah, I agree. You know, I think fancy parties are only fun if you're fancy on the inside and I'm just not sure we are.
MonicaAlright. You guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.
(Joey is staring at Monica's breasts)
MonicaJoey they're not real.
MonicaI start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See (squeezes her breast) honk honk.
ChandlerWow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.
Central Perk. Chandler, Ross, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are planning Rachel's birthday party.
RossI talked to Rachel's sisters, neither of them can come.
MonicaOk, um so, I still have to invite Dillon and Emma and Shannon Cooper.
JoeyWoah, woah, woah, uh, no Shannon Cooper.
PhoebeWhy not her?
JoeyCause she uh, she steals stuff.
ChandlerOr, maybe she doesn't steal stuff and Joey just slept with her and never called her back.
MonicaJoey that is horrible.
JoeyHey I liked her, alright. Maybe, maybe too much. I don't know I guess I just got scared.
PhoebeI'm sorry, I didn't know.
JoeyI didn't think anyone'd buy that, OK.
RossHi honey, how did it go?
RachelAgh, it was the graduation from hell.
ChandlerYou know, my cousin went to hell on a football scholarship.
RachelYou know, I mean this is supposed to be a joyous occasion. My sister's graduating from college, nobody thought she would. It's a true testament to what a girl from Long Island would do for a Celica.
MonicaSo what happened?
RachelMy parents happened. All they had to do was sit in the same stadium, smile proudly, and not talk about the divorce. But nooo, they got into a huge fight in the middle of the commencement address. Bishop Tutu actually had to stop and shush them. But you know what, you know what the good news is? I get to serve coffee for the next 8 hours.
PhoebeOk, so I guess we don't invite her parents.
MonicaWell, how bout just her mom?
ChandlerWhy her mom?
Monica'Cause I already invited her.
PhoebeOoh, ooh, did you ask Stacy Roth?
JoeyOh no, can't invite her. She also steals. (thinks) So does her roommate!
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are setting up for the party.
PhoebeOk, here are the birthday candles. Where's the birthday cake?
MonicaOk, we're not having birthday cake, we're having birthday flan.
MonicaIt's a traditional Mexican custard dessert.
JoeyOh that's nice. Happy birthday Rachel, here's some goo.
(Knock at the door)
Monica(answers the door) Dr. Green. Oh my God it's Rachel's dad. (Chandler lets go a balloon and it makes noises.) What're you doing here?
Dr. GreenWhat? The father can't drop by to see the daughter on her birthday?
MonicaNo no, the father can, but um, since I am the roommate I can tell you that she's not here and I'll pass along the message, ok? So bye-bye.
Dr. GreenOhhh, you're having a parteee.
MonicaNo, no, not a party. Just a surprise gathering of some people Rachel knows. Um, this is Phoebe and Chandler and Joey.
Dr. GreenI'll never remember all of that. So uh, what's the deal? Rachel comes home, people pop out and yell stuff, is that it?
ChandlerThis isn't your first surprise party, is it sir?
(Knock at the door, Monica answers to see Mrs. Green)
Mrs. GreenHi Monica.
(Monica slams the door back shut)
MonicaChinese menu guy. Forgot the menus.
ChandlerSo, basically just a Chinese guy.
JoeyUh, hey, Dr. Green, why don't you come with me, we'll put your jacket on Rachel's bed.
Dr. GreenAlright, that sounds like a two person job. (They walk into Rachel's bedroom)
Mrs. GreenWell, my goodness, what was that?
MonicaSandra, I am so sorry, I thought you were Rachel and we just weren't ready for you yet.
Mrs. GreenYou thought I was Rachel?
ChandlerYes because uh, you look so young.
PhoebeAnd because you're both, you know, white women.
Mrs. GreenOh, I missed you kids. Well, should I put my coat in the bedroom?
ChandlerNO! No, I'll take that for ya.
Mrs. GreenOh well thank you. Such a gentleman. Thank you. (Chandler takes the hot pink coat and grimaces at it) Ahh, it all looks so nice, so festive, all the balloons... (Chandler, remembering that Joey and Dr. Green are in the bedroom, throws her coat in a cupboard) Oh, funniest thing happened to me on the way here. I was...(Joey peeks out)
Phoebe(cutting Mrs. Green off) Ha-ha, that's great, ha-ha. I can't wait to hear the rest of it, you know, but I really have to go to the bathroom so... Hey, come with me. Yeah, yeah, it'll be like we're gal pals, you know, like at a restaurant Oh, it'll be fun, come on! come on. (They go in the bathroom)
MonicaOh my God, my God, my God.
ChandlerOk, think, what would Jack and Chrissy do?
Joey(peeks back out) Ok, now that your coat is safely in the bedr-, (sees that the coast is clear) oh, ok we can come back out in the living room.
MonicaSo uh, Joey and Chandler, I, I think it's time that you take Dr. Green over to your place.
ChandlerUhh, yes, absolutely, um. Why again?
MonicaBecause that's where the party is, you goon. See this is just the staging area.
JoeyRight this is staging.
ChandlerYeah, this more than anything else, is the staging area.
Joey(as they're walking out, Dr. Green questioningly gestures at the Happy Birthday sign over the door) This is clearly in the wrong apartment. (They all walk across the hall)
Later on in the hallway between the apartments. Chandler is showing people to the parties.
ChandlerAlright you guys are off to party number one (Ushers 3 guys into Monica's apartment) and you, you are off to party number two (Ushers four women into his apartment. Two guys try to follow and Chandler blocks them and shoos them off to Monica's apartment) Alright fellas, let's keep it moving, let' keep it moving.
MonicaChandler could you at least send some women to my party? (buzzer goes off) Ok, that's Ross. Alright.
ChandlerOk, they're coming, shhh. (Runs into Monica's apartment and grabs one last girl to take to his apartment)
RachelOhh, thank you for the wonderful dinner.
RossThanks for being born.
RachelOhh, thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you.
RossOh, now you can exchange them if you want, ok.
RachelNow I love you even more.
(They kiss and Ross backs her into her apartment and turns on the lights)
RachelOh my gosh, wow. Monica. Oh my God. Mom. This is so great.
Mrs. GreenHappy birthday sweetie.
RachelWow you, you. I had no idea.
RachelNo, I knew.
MonicaOk, everybody, there's food and drinks on the table. Go across the hall.
MonicaRight now, Joey and Chandler's, go, now.
(They walk across the hall)
Dr. GreenHappy birthday sweet pea.
[Time lapse. Still at party at Chandler and Joey's. Rachel is talking to Chandler and Ross.]
RachelBoth of them are here, both of them, both of them are here?
ChandlerWell, we could count again.
RachelOh God, I can't believe this is happening.
RossYou know what, this is ridiculous, ok? This is your birthday, this is your party. I say we just put them all together and if they can't deal with it, who cares.
ChandlerLook, are you gonna be ok?
RachelWell, I have to be, I don't really have a choice, I mean, you know, I could look at the bright side, I get two birthday parties and two birthday cakes.
ChandlerWell, actually just one birthday flan.
ChandlerIt's a traditional Mexican custard dessert...Look, talk to Monica, she's on the food committee.
[Time lapse. Chandler runs out of the bathroom.]
ChandlerJoe, Joe. Hey, some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you Dennis,' and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party.
JoeyNice! Quick, quick volleyball question.
JoeyYeah, we set up a court in your room. Uh, you didn't really like that grey lamp, did you?
ChandlerJoey, a woman just stuck her tongue down my throat, I'm not even listening to you.
ChandlerOk, that's me. (runs back)
RachelListen honey, can you keep dad occupied, I'm gonna go talk to mom for a while.
RossOk, do you have any ideas for any openers?
RachelUhh, let's just stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing you daughter' and you should be ok.
[Back in Monica's party]
MonicaOk people, I want you to take a piece of paper, (Hands Phoebe a piece of paper) here you go, and write down your most embarrassing memory. Oh, and I do ask that when you're not using the markers, you put the caps back on them because they will dry out.
[Back in Chandler and Joey's party]
RossHi Dr. Green. So, uh, how's everything in the uh, vascular surgery....game?
Dr. GreenIt's not a game, Ross, a woman died on my table today.
RossI'm sorry. See that's the good thing about my job. All the dinosaurs on my table are already dead.
[Back in Monica's party]
MonicaListen you guys, I don't mean to be a pain about this, but, um, I noticed that some of you are just placing them on. You wanna push the caps until you hear them click. (She demonstrates, Gunther starts to walk to the door) Gunther, where're you going?
GuntherI um, was sorta thinking about maybe...
MonicaNo. No, you can't go. No this is fun. Come on we're just getting started. Here, here's your marker.
PhoebeListen if you wanna go, just go.
GuntherNo, she'll yell at me again.
PhoebeAlright, I can get you out.
PhoebeShh. In a minute, I'm gonna create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.
[Back at Chandler and Joey's party]
Dr. GreenI think I need a drink.
RossOh, here, I, I'll get it for ya. What'd you want?
RossScotch. Alright, I'll be back in 10 seconds with your Scotch on the rocks in a glass.
Dr. GreenNo no no, no no no, neat, as in no rocks.
[Back at Monica's party]
Mrs. GreenOh hello Ross, where have you been?
RossHi. Uh, I have been in the bathroom. Stay clear of the salmon mousse.
Mrs. GreenOh, Scotch neat. You know, that's Rachel's father's drink.
RossOh, mine too. Isn't that neat, Scotch neat. Would you excuse me? (walks out in the hallway, Dr. Green is walking out of Chandler and Joey's apartment) Hey, hey, where you are, sneaking off to mister?
Dr. GreenI'm getting my cigarettes out of my jacket.
Dr. GreenWhat'd you mean no?
RossNo, um, see 'cause that, that is, that is the staging area. You go in there, it'll ruin the whole illusion of the party. Yeah, I think you take your Scotch back in there and I will get your cigarettes for you, sir.
Dr. GreenGet my glasses too.
RossAllrighty-roo. (closes the door) What a great moment to say that for the first time. (goes to get the cigarettes and glasses)
MonicaOk, the first person's most embarrassing memory is, 'Monica, your party sucks.' Alright, very funny.
PhoebeOh no, ooh, ooh, did somebody forget to use a coaster?
MonicaWhat? (she runs over to where Phoebe is, Phoebe signals for Gunther to go) I don't see anything.
PhoebeGreat, I'm seeing water rings again.
Mrs. GreenRoss, whose glasses are those?
Mrs. GreenYou wear bifocals?
RossUm-hmm. (puts them on) I have a condition, apparently, that I require two different sets of focals.
Mrs. GreenDo you know my husband has glasses just like that?
RachelWell those are very popular frames.
RossNeil Sedaka wears them.
Guy(to Phoebe) I hear you can get people outta here.
Mrs. GreenRachel, you didn't tell me your boyfriend smokes.
RachelYeah, like a chimney.
RossOhh, big smoker. (Packs the cigarettes and flings one on Mrs. Green in the process. Finally gets one in his mouth and it look really out of place) Big big smoker. In fact I'm gonna go out into the hallway and fire up this bad boy. (As he walks into the hall, he comes face to face with Dr. Green)
Dr. GreenAre you wearing my glasses?
RossYes. (Pulls them off and hands them to Dr. Green) I was just warming up the earpieces for you.
Dr. GreenThank you. Is that one of my cigarettes?
Ross(Pulls the cigarette off his upper lip and hands it to Dr. Green) Yeah, yes it is, I was just moistening the tip.
[Back in Monica's party. Phoebe is talking to a guy and two girls at the party.]
PhoebeOk, ok, she's taking the trash out so I can get you out of here but it has to be now, she'll be back any minute.
Girl 1What about my friend Victor?
PhoebeNo, only the three of you, any more than that and she'll get suspicious.
Girl 1Alright, let me just get my coat.
PhoebeThere isn't time. You must leave everything. They'll take care of you next door.
Girl 1Is it true they have beer?
PhoebeEverything you've heard is true.
[Back at Chandler and Joey's party. Everyone is dancing and having fun.]
MonicaCould you guys please try to keep it down, we're trying to start a Boggle tournament.
ChandlerJoe, if these people found out they were playing spelling games over there, there will be nobody left at our part.
(Chandler and Joey stop dancing and laugh at her)
MonicaYou, and you, you're supposed to be at my party. And Gunther! What are you doing here?
GuntherUm (gestures to dance floor)
Phoebe(Enters with the three people she got out) Ok, welcome to the fu-oh.
PhoebeAlright, I'm sorry but these people needed me. You know, they work hard all week, it's Saturday night, they deserve to have a little fun. Go.
MonicaYou know, my party is fun. I mean, maybe it's a little quieter, less obvious sorta fun but, you know, if people would just give it a chance... (volleyball hits her in the head from behind)
[Back at Monica's party]
RachelYou want me to see a therapist?
Mrs. GreenSweetheart, you obviously have a problem. You've chosen a boyfriend exactly like your father.
RachelOk mom, you know what, fine, I'll make an appointment, ok? But you know what, right now, I gotta go, I gotta go do a thing.
[Chandler and Joey's party]
Dr. GreenDid you know your mother spent $1200 dollars on bonsai trees. I felt like Gulliver around that place.
RachelDaddy, daddy, you know what, I really wanna hear more about this, I really do, but I just have, I just have to do a, some stuff.
Mrs. GreenYou work and you work and you work at a marriage but all he cares about is his stupid boat.
[Chandler and Joey's party]
Dr. GreenYou work and you work and you work on a boat...
Mrs. GreenHe always ridiculed my pottery class...
Dr. Green...and you sand it and you varnish it...
Mrs. Green...but when all is said and done, he still drinks out of the mugs.
Dr. Green...One night of her yoga and her Bridges of Madison County...
Mrs. Green...the Scotch, the cigarettes...
Dr. Green...the bonsai's and the Chihuahua...
Mrs. Green...I may have only been in therapy for three weeks now dear but...
Dr. Green...what the hell does she want with half a boat...
The hallway after the party. Rachel is sitting there.
Chandler(running out of his apartment after a girl) Ok, ok, you can be shirts and I'll be skins. I'll be skins. (sits down beside Rachel) Hey, how you holding up there, tiger? Oh, sorry, when my parents were getting divorced I got a lot of tigers. Got a lot of champs, chiefs, sports, I even got a governor.
RachelThis is it, isn't it? I mean, this is what my life is gonna be like. My mom there, my dad there. Thanksgiving, Christmas. She gets the house, he's in some condo my sister's gonna decorate with wicker. Oh, Chandler how did you get through this?
ChandlerWell, I relied on a carefully regimented program of denial and, and wetting the bed.
RachelYou know, I just, it's so weird. I mean I was in there just listening to them bitch about each other, all I kept thinking about was the fourth of July.
ChandlerBecause it reminded you of the way our forefathers used to bitch at each other?
RachelIt's just this thing. Every year we would go out on my dad's boat and watch the fireworks. Mom always hated it because the ocean air made her hair all big. My sister Jill would be throwing up over the side and my dad would be upset because nobody was helping and then when we did help he would scream at us for doing it wrong. But then when the fireworks started, everybody just shut up, you know, and it'd get really cold, and we would all just sort of smush under this one blanket. It never occurred to anybody to bring another one. And now it's just...
ChandlerI, I know. (Hugs her. Ross walks out and Chandler puts her in his arms.)
Monica's party. She is seeing off the last of the guests.
MonicaOk, thanks for coming, I hope you guys had fun.
Mrs. GreenAlright, Monica, dear, I'm gonna hit the road. Now I've left my 10 verbs on the table. And you be sure and send me that finished poem.
MonicaOk we'll do. So glad you came.
Mrs. GreenI-I think I saw Rachel out in the hall.
MonicaOk, let me go check.
Mrs. GreenOh, alright.
Monica(to Rachel) Your mom wants to say goodbye.
Mrs. GreenHappy birthday sweetie.
(Dr. Green opens the door to Chandler and Joeys apartment. Ross sees him and runs to the door forcing him back in then holds onto the door knob.)
JoeyAhh, you drive safe.
Mrs. GreenRoss, what're you doing?
RossI'm getting ready for the water skiing. (Dr. Green opens the door which pulls Ross in) How are you?
ChandlerWell, uh, Dr. Green, where're you going?
Dr. GreenTo get my coat.
GuysNo no no.
Dr. GreenAlright, alright, I can get my own coat.
(The guys form a wall between Mrs. Green and Dr. Green and dance across the hall as he walks across)
ChandlerSorry, we're on a major flan high.
[In Monica and Rachel's apartment]
PhoebeOh no, no, you're not supposed to be here. 'Cause this is the staging area, you should, it's all wrong, you should leave, you know, just get out. (opens the door, the guys are right there) Or perhaps you'd like a crème de menthe.
Mrs. GreenI have to be heading to my chateau, thank you.
PhoebeOh all right, then I guess we're going back into the hallway.
JoeyThanks for coming Mrs. Green. (grabs her and kisses her to distract her. She goes limp in his arms. Dr. Green leaves.) Well, ok, you take care.
Mrs. GreenOh, you kids (she caresses his face and chest) Well, this is the best party I've been to in years.
Monica and Rachel's apartment. Close up of the flan on the table with birthday candles.
MonicaOk everybody, it's time for flan.
ChandlerYup, get ready for the gelatinous fun.
JoeyKinda looks like that stuff you get when you get a bad infection.
MonicaOk, that's enough.
PhoebeOk Rachel, make a special flan wish.
RachelOk, I've got one. (blows out the candles. Somebody calls out 'heads up' and the volleyball lands in the flan) Wow, those things almost never come true.
Written by Alexa Junge; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp