{Chickenpox (or chicken pox) is a disease. Usually it is children who get the disease, but adults can also get it. There is a vaccine against it. [Wiki]} Central Perk. Rachel, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are there. Rachel(brings a muffin to Chandler and Monica who are sitting on the couch) Ok, Chandler, Mon, there's only one banana nut muffin left.
(Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the muffin before Monica can.)
MonicaOh, I ordered mine first.
ChandlerYeah, but I'm, I'm so much faster...
MonicaGive it to me.
ChandlerNo.
MonicaGive it to me.
ChandlerUh, ok, you can have it. (He licks it and offers it to her.)
Monica(She grabs the coffee cup on the table and licks the rim.) There you go, enjoy your coffee.
ChandlerThat was there when I got here. (Takes a bite of his muffin.)
Phoebe(enters) Hey, you guys, you will never guess who's coming to New York.
Monica(Chandler tries to come back with a smart-ass remark but can't swallow the muffin.) Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow.
PhoebeOh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, who's in the Navy.
(Chandler is visibly upset)
RachelYou went out with a guy in the Navy?
PhoebeYeah, I met him when I uh was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy 'cause he didn't have any change.
JoeyHey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man?
PhoebeNo. No, he is my submarine guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time he's coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.
RachelSo wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?
(Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and can't come back.)
MonicaThat'll teach you to lick my muffin.
Ross(enters) Hiii.
JoeyOh no, what happened? 
RossWell, I just spoke to Carol. Ben's got the chicken pox.
AllOh no.
RossYeah, so if you haven't already had it, chances are you're gonna get it.
RachelWell I've had it.
JoeyYeah, I've had it.
MonicaHad it.
ChandlerHad it.
PhoebeWell, I've never had it, I feel so left out. (Sees a red bump on her arm.) Oh look! Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Richard are in her bedroom. MonicaHoney, you made the bed again. I told you, you don't have to do that. This isn't camp.
RichardOoh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Croce's Leroy Brown.
(He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts to remake the bed.)
RichardMonica... (He re-enters the bedroom and Monica jumps on the bed, trying to cover it.) Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?
MonicaBaddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.
RichardWhat're you doing?
MonicaI'm just waiting for you sweetie.
RichardAre you remaking the bed?
MonicaI'm sorry, I'm sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine.
RichardThen, you're redoing it because...
MonicaIf I tell you, you'll think I'm crazy.
RichardYou're pretty much running that risk either way.
MonicaOk, you see, the duvet tag shouldn't be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.
RichardOh, well that's not so crazy.
MonicaI'm just easing you in.
RichardHuh, alright.
MonicaAlright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You don't love me any more do you.
RichardActually, if it's possible, I love you more.
MonicaReally? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point. Chandler's office. Joey is there. ChandlerHey, look Joey, I'm just saying if you need something to hold you over, I can get you a job right here as an entry level processor.
JoeyBut don't you need experience for a job like that?
ChandlerIt's not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what you're doing, hey, you're an actor. Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.
Scott(enters) Hey Chandler, here's this morning's projections.
ChandlerHey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.
ScottNo kidding.
JoeyOh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, I'm the one they call.
ScottWhere do you work?
JoeyUhh, well, right now I'm in between things. You know how it is. One day you're processing, the next day you're not so much... processing any more.
ChandlerI was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischman's group.
ScottFleischman's group. Whatever you do, don't touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...
JoeyHa-ha. (Scott leaves) Are all you processors dorks? Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are doing Phoebe's makeup. RachelOh, this lipstick looks just great on you.
MonicaYou look fabulous honey, you really do.
PhoebeYeah? Are you sure, really. (She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.)
RachelYou see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights.
PhoebeI, I, I'm hideous.
MonicaIt's gonna be ok. Ryan's been under water. He's just gonna be so glad that you don't have barnacles on your butt. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Ryan is walks up to the door and knocks. PhoebeCome in.
RyanHey baby, I'm back...(Phoebe is sitting by the window in a veil.)
PhoebeHey Ryan, what's up??
RyanWhat's going on?
PhoebeWell, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.
RyanChicken or small?
PhoebeChicken. Which is so ironic considering I'm a vegetarian.
RyanWhy aren't you at home in bed?
Phoebe'Cause my, my grandmother's never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, 'cause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.
RyanI'm sorry, I never had 'em.
PhoebeOhh, ohh.
RyanIf I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.
PhoebeYeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didn't have them now.
RyanCan I please see your face?
PhoebeNope. You don't wanna see a face covered with pox.
RyanYour face could be covered with lox, I wouldn't care.
PhoebeAnd you hate fish. Oh. That's so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... (she unveils herself right as a huge lightning bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror.) Oh, I am scary.
RyanSorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate coincidence. You look lovely, lovely.
PhoebeI hate this. 'Cause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.
RyanPhoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. (He walks to her and kisses her.)
PhoebeOk, this is the most romantic disease I've ever had. Chandler's office. Joey enters. JoeyHey.
ChandlerHey, how's the first day going?
JoeyPretty good. It's like you said. It's mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.
ChandlerWell there you go.
JoeyHey and everybody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.
ChandlerJeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?
JoeyYeah, 'turns out our kids go to the same school. Yeah, small world huh?
ChandlerWeird world. Your kids?
JoeyI figure my character has kids.
ChandlerYou know there isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.
JoeyWell, see when you're acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processing guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.
ChandlerHo-ho. Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.
JoeyYeah. You know, Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... You know what? Just did.
ChandlerReally? Wow. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Phoebe and Ryan are playing Monopoly. RyanYou know what makes the itching even worse?
PhoebeThat you don't stop talking about it.
RyanFine.
PhoebeLet's just play, ok. Good, ok. (She picks up the dice.) Here we go, double sixes, here we go...(She starts to rub the dice all over herself.) Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice...
RyanWhat're you doing? Are you scratching?
PhoebeNo. This is what I do for luck, ok.
RyanYou're scratching. Give me the dice.
PhoebeNo.
RyanGive me the dice.
PhoebeNo. Here. (Throws them on the table.) There. Ooh, double sixes.
RyanWe can't scratch. You know we can't, we'll scar.
PhoebeUhh, I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub 'em all over my body. (Grabs a handful of the houses.)
RyanNo.
PhoebeGive it.
RyanNo.
PhoebeYeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Let's just be bad, it'll feel so good. (She starts scratching him.) Oh come on, come on. Em-huh?
RyanOh God help me. Oh yeah.
PhoebeOk, good, now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder.
RyanThere you go. Don't move. Don't move.
(They get back to back and start rubbing against each other. Ross and Rachel enter.)
PhoebeRyan, what you? Oh good.
RyanOh God.
RachelOh, stop that, stop that right now.
RossYou know, I might've expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, you're a military man.
RyanShe made me do it.
PhoebeOh, that's a nice color on you!
RyanYeah, well it comes in pink and blotchy, baby!
PhoebeI hope you get a weenie pock! (Ross covers Rachel's ears) Chandler's office building. Joey and Jeannie are talking. JoeyYou and Milton have to join us on the boat. Karen'll pack a lunch, you'll bring the kids, we'll make a day of it.
JeannieOh, that sounds lovely. We're gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.
JoeyOh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie.
JeannieBye bye Joey.
JoeyWhat a phony.
ChandlerWell, I'm sure you'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.
JoeySir.
Mr. DouglasUh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, we're not gonna see the system's report until next Friday?
ChandlerWell the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.
Mr. DouglasI have a family, I'm gonna be here.
JoeyYeah Bing, what's that about?
ChandlerIt's about cutting my people a little slack, you know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.
JoeyRough numbers? (to Mr. Douglas) This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas?
Mr. DouglasHave the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.
ChandlerIf you say so sir.
JoeyJoseph's good, isn't he?
ChandlerWell, I'm going to kill you.
JoeyHey, hey, I just figure Joseph's the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. You know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.
ChandlerWhy?
JoeyLook, I'm sorry but that's what Joseph does, ok? If you try to pull something, he'll call you on it. 'What're you trying to pull,' he'll say. Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica enters her bedroom with a roll of duct tape. Richard is sitting on the bed. RichardOoh, duct tape. Was I supposed to bring something too?
MonicaThis is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mitts to their hands.
RichardYou're strict.
MonicaYeah well, it's for their own good.
RichardYou know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.
MonicaExactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Don't you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular?
RichardIf it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.
MonicaVery good.
RichardThank you.
MonicaYou know what. Tomorrow I'm gonna do your clocks.
RichardYou're gonna do what to my clocks?
MonicaI'm gonna set them to my time.
RichardWell, I'm confused. I thought we shared time.
MonicaNo, no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?
RichardBecause it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen.
MonicaYou know, forget it, I'm not gonna tell you now.
RichardNo come on. Come on, tell me.
MonicaNo. 'Cause you don't understand.
RichardNo, come on!
MonicaNo. You don't have any of these cute little obsessive things.
RichardNo that's not true. That is not true.
MonicaOh yeah.
RichardYeah.
MonicaAlright, well tell me one of yours.
RichardOk. (Long pause) Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.
MonicaWhat if they get mixed up?
RichardBoy I would just uh, I would freak out!
MonicaYou would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing!
RichardSee, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well. Chandler's office. Chandler is asleep in his chair holding a paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Joey walks in, waking up Chandler who covers by pretending to write on the paper. JoeyHey. Mr. Douglas is looking for you.
ChandlerWhy? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?
Joey'Cause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.
ChandlerWha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?
JoeyBecause at first he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know.
ChandlerAlright, that's it. Look, Joey, I'm sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately that's not possible, so I'm gonna have to let both of you go.
JoeyWhat're you talking about, everybody loves Joseph.
ChandlerI don't, I hate Joseph, ok. I think he's a brown-nosing suck up.
JoeyOh yeah. Well you can't fire Joseph. You know why, 'cause he's not in your department.
ChandlerAlright, ok, alright. So I can't fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.
JoeyKaren?
ChandlerYeah, Karen. I'm thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.
JoeyAhh. What the hell are you doing to me man?!
ChandlerOh well it's not me, it's my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-worker's wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.
JoeyReally?
ChandlerNo freakshow, she's fictional.
JoeyTake it easy. If it means that much to you, I'll uh, I'll go find something else.
ChandlerUh, thank you.
JoeyIt's just that, I'm, I'm gonna miss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. And the kids, you know he was going to put in a pool next summer. (Chandler pushes him out the door by the face.) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Ross are in the kitchen. Phoebe is sitting at the couch with oven mitts on her hands. PhoebeCan I please take these off? I swear I won't scratch.
RachelNo sorry hon, Monica's orders.
Ryan(Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven mitts on his hands.) Well that wasn't easy.
RossOk, dinner's on.
RachelAnd there's a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plate's gonna be hot but that shouldn't be a problem for you.
RossAlright you kids, bye now.
Phoebe and RyanBye. (waving)
RossOh look, a low budget puppet show.
PhoebeHa ha ha, It's such a shame you can't see which finger I'm holding up.
RossAlright.
(Ross and Rachel leave.)
RyanWine?
PhoebePlease. (Ryan pulls the cork with his teeth and spits it into Phoebe's mitts.)
RyanWell, I spilled some.
PhoebeI got it. (Wipes it up with her mitts.)
Ryan(Puts his hands over Phoebe's ears.) I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.
PhoebeWhat?
RyanSorry. You look beautiful.
PhoebeOh.
(They start to kiss. They try to get each other's shirts off but can't get the buttons undone.)
PhoebeYou know what, that's it, that's it. (She rips off the mitts, Ryan follows her lead.)
(They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right back out the door.) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Richard and Monica are in bed. RichardMonica, wake up. Monica.
MonicaWhat's up??
RichardI thought of a thing.
MonicaYeah?
RichardYeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.
MonicaNo honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.
RichardOr so I would have you believe.
MonicaNo. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.
RichardHey come on, you haven't heard my reason yet.
MonicaAlright, go on.
RichardOk, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.
MonicaOh my God, you're a freak.
RichardYeah. How about that. Central Perk. Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Ryan are there. Ryan is in uniform, getting ready to leave. RachelSo uh, Ryan, where're you shipping off to?
RyanI really can't say.
RossSo do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?
RyanI can't say.
RachelWell do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingies.
RyanI'm sorry, but I-I can't say.
RossWow, it, it's neat learning about submarines.
RyanI better get out of here, I'm gonna miss my flight.
PhoebeOk, I'll walk you out.
RossBye Ryan.
RyanPleasure.
RachelIt was nice to meet you.
RyanTake care.
(Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.)
RachelSo do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things?
RossYou like that do ya?
RachelOh yeah.
RossI'll make some calls. (Runs off.)
RachelOk.
(Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.)
RyanCan you believe how we spent our two weeks together?
PhoebeI know. We didn't do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and you know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. (They kiss.)
RyanTaxi.
PhoebeBye you. (Ryan's cab drives off. As Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window and laughs.) Central Perk. Rachel is closing. Ross walks in in a uniform. RachelOh I'm sorry, we're clo-... Hey sailor.
RossIs this what you had in mind?
RachelI'll say.
(Ross picks her up.)
RossI'm shipping out tomorrow.
RachelWell then uh, we better make this night count. (He starts to carry her out.) Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappuccino machine. (He carries her over to turn it off.) Anchors aweigh. Oh no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse. (He carries her to the counter to pick up her purse.) Sorry. Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light. Just-
RossAlright you know, why don't I just meet you upstairs. (Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his lower back.)
RachelHoney!

Written by Brown Mandell; Transcribed by Josh Hodge; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp