Central Perk, the whole gang is there as Joey enters. RachelHey Joey, how'd the audition go?
JoeyIncredible! I met the director this time and you'll never believe who it was.
JoeyAll right. I'll give you one hint. Warren Beatty.
JoeyYeah, there's just one thing that might be kind of a problem. See, I, uh, had to kiss this guy.
ChandlerBecause he was just so darn cute?
JoeyNo, as part of the auditions. See, I'm up for this part of this guy, who the main guy kisses.
RossWell, hey. You're an actor, I say you-you just suck it up and you do it. (Rachel looks at him in disbelief) Or you just do it.
JoeyI did do it, I'm a professional. Besides, my first girlfriend was Lisa DiBatista. So..I'm no stranger to the mustache.
MonicaThen what's the problem?
JoeySee after the scene, Mr. Beatty comes up to me and he says 'good actor, bad kisser'. Can you believe that, me, not a good kisser, that's like, like Mother Theresa, not a good mother.
PhoebeWell, come on, who cares what that guy thinks. You know, what's Warren Beatty know about kissing (Chandler and Monica, give her a look that says 'think about it') Ooh. Continued from earlier. ChandlerHey, what'd your agent say? 
JoeyYep, this kiss thing is definitely a problem, Mr. Beatty wants to see it again on Monday. Man, I gotta figure out what I'm doing wrong. Oh, ok, one of you girls come over here and kiss me.
MonicaWhat, forget it!
RachelYeah, right.
JoeyCome on, I need your help here.
PhoebeAll right. I'll do it, I kissed him before, I can do it again.
JoeySee this, this is a friend.
PhoebeUh-huh, let's go. (they move in to kiss) Oh, wait I have gum. Ok. (they kiss rather passionately) Good, very good, firm but tender. I'd recommend you to a friend.
JoeyThen I don't know what it is. What's the problem?
MonicaJoey, you know, maybe your just not used to kissing men, you know? maybe you just tensed up a little, maybe that's what you need to work on.
JoeyYeah, that makes sense. (looks at Ross)
RossOver my dead body! (Joey looks at Chandler)
ChandlerAnd I'll be using his dead body as a shield. Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Richard are there. Ross(entering from Rachel's bedroom) Come on out, honey! I'm telling you look good! (turns around, and under his breath, to the rest of the guys) Tell her she looks good, tell her she looks good.
(Rachel enters in this hideous pink bride's maid dress, with a huge silver bow on her chest, and a big, huge skirt, kinda like the one's women wore in the 1800s, Monica and Richard both stare in shock)
Phoebe(laughing) Oh my God, you look so good!
RachelI can not believe I have to walk down the aisle in front of 200 people looking like something you drink when your nauseous.
RossSo don't, I don't see why we have to go to this thing anyway, it's your ex-fiancé's wedding.
RachelBecause I promised Mindy I would.
MonicaYeah, well you promised Barry you'd marry him. (Rachel glares at her, and she retreats to safety between Richard's legs)
RachelLook, you guys, I have to go, I'm the maid of honor. And besides you know what, I just need to be in a room again with these people and feel good about myself.
(Chandler enters, sees Rachel in the dress and starts laughing)
PhoebeOoh-oh! Someone's wearing the same clothes they had on last night. Someone get a little action?
ChandlerI may have.
MonicaWoo-hoo, stuud!
RossWhat's she look like?
ChandlerWell, we haven't exactly met, we just stayed up all night talking on the Internet.
MonicaWoo-hoo, geeek!
ChandlerI like this girl, ok, I seriously like this girl, you now how sometimes I tend get a little defended and quipy...
RossGet out!
ChandlerWell she totally called me on it, ok. She said, 'cut it out, get real', and I did.
RachelWow! What's that like?
ChandlerIt's like this, me, no jokes.
PhoebeAll right, stop it, you're freaking me out.
RichardOh, yeah, I don't like you this way. All right, I'll see you guys later.
AllBye, Richard.
MonicaBye sweetie, (kisses him) I love you.
RichardI love you too.
(Monica stares longingly at the door, after Richard leaves)
PhoebeI think my boyfriend's ever so dreamy, I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.
MonicaWhat are you talking about? What wedding?
PhoebeCome on, like you never talked about that.
MonicaNooo! Never! I mean, we-we're just, living in the moment. God, it is so nice for once to not have to get all hung up on 'Where is this going?'
RachelAfraid to ask him?
MonicaCould not be more terrified.
ChandlerWell, I think you should seriously consider the marriage thing, give Rachel another chance to dress up like Princess Bubble Yum.
(Rachel glares at Ross who is laughing)
RossI was laughing at this quip Leno made last night. I wasn't laughing at your dress, I love you. Monica and Rachel's, Richard and Monica are playing with Ben. Monica(holding up a blanket) Where's Benny? (drops the blanket) There he is! (does it again) Where's Benny, there he is.
RichardAwww! You know that's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grown-ups to cut it out.
MonicaHey, you know I got a question for ya. Just a little thing, no pressure.
MonicaDo you ever, uh, like, think about the future?
RichardSure I do.
MonicaYeah, am I in it?
RichardHoney, you are it.
MonicaOh God, you are about to get sooo lucky.
RichardOh, yeah!
MonicaKeep talking.
RichardWell, uh, sometimes I think about selling my practice, we could move to France, make French toast.
MonicaOk, so, uh, we're in France, and we're making the toast. Do you see a little bassinet in the corner?
RichardLike a hound?
MonicaNot a basset, a bassinet.
RichardYou really need the bassinet?
MonicaWell, I just think the baby would keep falling off the dog. Do you, uh, do you , do you not see kids in our future?
RichardOh, hey. I love children, I have children. I just don't want to be 70 when our kids go off to college, and our lives can finally start.
Monica(Nods) Em.
RichardLook, I want you, now.
MonicaThat's Great. You know we don't need to talk about this now. Really, I mean this is, is so way, way, way, in the future, I'm talking hovercrafts and apes taking over the planet. Chandler and Joey's, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe are there, Chandler is talking to his new friend on the Internet. JoeyCome on, Chandler, I want this part soo much. (Chandler ignores him) Just one kiss, I won't tell anyone.
ChandlerJoey, no means no!
(Rachel, in her bridesmaid dress, complete with hat, which makes her look like Little Bo Peep, and Ross enter)
{Little Bo-Peep has lost her sheep, And doesn't know where to find them; Leave them alone, And they'll come home, Wagging their tails behind them.}
ChandlerI'm sorry we, we don't have your sheep.
JoeyAww, Rach, I think you look cute (kisses her on the cheek, then looks at Ross) And you, uh, you, you I'd like eat with a spoon (goes to kiss him).
RossGet away from me, I said no!
Monica(entering) Richard buzzed. He's waiting downstairs.
JoeyOh, Richard's here. I should run down and say goodbye to him (runs out)
PhoebeBye, good luck.
(Rachel, Ross, and Monica exit)
PhoebeSo how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that (points at the computer screen).
ChandlerOh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words.
PhoebeWhat does she mean by HH?
Chandler(shyly) It means we're holding hands.
PhoebeAre you the cutest?
ChandlerI'm afraid I might just be.
PhoebeYou know, I think it is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy.
ChandlerOk, it's not a guy, all right, I know her.
PhoebeIt could be like a big giant guy.
Joey(entering) Man, I got this close to him (holds up his fingers) and Monica kneed me in the back. What's going on?
PhoebeWe were just wondering if Chandler's girlfriend is a girl.
JoeyOh, well. Just ask her how long she's gonna live. Women live longer than men.
ChandlerHow do you not fall down more?
PhoebeOk, ask her 'What is her current method of birth control?'
ChandlerAll right. (reading her answer) "My husband is sleeping with his secretary." She's married!
PhoebeWell at least we know she's a woman.
ChandlerI can't believe she's married.
JoeyAw, man I'm sorry (starts rubbing Chandler's shoulder). This must be very tough for ya, huh (and starts comforting him looking for a kiss). Barry and Mindy's wedding, Monica and Richard are standing in the lobby. MonicaSo, I read this article the other day that says you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings, because when pigeons eat rice it kills them.
{Throwing rice in the air or over the bride and groom as they leave the wedding ceremony has been a long-standing American tradition... Grains represent fertility and prosperity in many cultures. [link]
RichardOh, that's why you never see pigeons in sushi bars.(They both start laughing at Richard's poor joke) See, we're having fun.
MonicaOh, absolutely. Yeah, you know I'm not even thinking about that thing that we're not gonna be think about.
RichardNeither am I.
MonicaYeah. Later the bridesmaids and ushers are getting ready to start, Ross is looking for Rachel. RossHey, there.
RossAre you all right?
RachelYeah, when I was in the bathroom I saw the window that I crawled out of at my wedding, and God, I just started thinking that I shouldn't be here, you know I shouldn't, people are gonna be looking at me and judging me and, and thinking about the last time.
RossSweetie, it's be gonna ok, all right. It's a wedding, generally people focus on the bride.
RachelGod I know, you're right.
(Annoying wedding planner enters)
Wedding PlannerAll righty, everybody look at me. Good. All right, it's time. Bridesmaids and ushers, let's see two lines, thank you.
RachelOk, I'll see you after the thing.
RossOk, good luck (kisses her and leaves)
RachelThank you, Ok, Ok.
(Starts to walk down the aisle, unfortunately she doesn't realize that her dress is bunched up in her underwear and her butt is showing.) After the wedding, Ross and Rachel are in the lobby. RachelWhy the hell didn't you tell me!
RossI'm sorry. What was I supposed to do- stand up and shout 'Hey, Rachel, your butt is showing!'
RachelYeah, better you than Barry's uncle. Oh my God this is sooo humiliating. I think the only thing that tops that was, was, was when I was in the eighth grade and I had to sing the Copacabana in front of the entire school. I think I got about two lines into it before I ran and freaked out. Oh my God, my entire life is flashing before my eyes.
{Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl
With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there
She would merengue and do the cha-cha
And while she tried to be a star, Tony always tended bar
Across a crowded floor, they worked from 8 till 4
They were young and they had each other
Who could ask for more?
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana (Copacabana)
The hottest spot north of Havana (here)
At the Copa (CO!), Copacabana
Music and passion were always the fashion
At the Copa....they fell in love
(Copa Copacabana)}
RossRach, hey look, I remember that, it wasn't so bad.
RachelOh Ross, would you stop, you got me, I'm dating you.
Mr. WineburgRachel!
RachelOh hi, Mr. Wineburg, hi Mrs. Wineburg.
Mr. WineburgIt's so wonderful to see you again, my dear, in fact I hardly expected to see so much.
Mrs. WineburgYou told me you didn't see anything.
Mr. WineburgI tell ya a lot things!
Mrs. WineburgWell it's wonderful to have you up and about again, dear.
Mr. WineburgStay well.
RachelOk, now that is the third time someone has said something like that to me today.
{Mindy is played by a different actress, Jane Marie Hupp, than in The Evil Orthodontist, where she's played by Jennifer Grey.}
Mindy(entering) Rach! Rach!
RachelOh, hi!
MindyOh my God, I'm married!
RachelI know.
MindyI'm Mrs. Dr. Barry Hunter hyphen Farber.
RachelOh honey, I'm so proud of you, Min.
Barry(entering) Min. Oh Rach, you're still here, at our wedding, they were packing up the chopped liver about now.
RachelYeah, I love that story. Um, I have a question for you guys. Why do people keep saying it is good to see me up and about?
MindyWell uh, after you ran out on your wedding, Barry's parents told people that you were sort of....insane.
Mindy...from the syphilis.
BarryYeah, what are they gonna say you didn't love me anymore. Come on.
RachelYour choices were that or syphilis?!
RossHey sweetie. At least this puts your whole tushy show into perspective. (Rachel stares at him). Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are there, Joey is on the phone. JoeyAngela? Joey Tribbiani. Listen, uh, what are you doing tonight. I know you're seeing that guy I was thinking maybe you could bring him.....Hello? Hello? (picks up a statue of an Indian and walks into his room)
(The computer bing, bongs)
PhoebeAren't you gonna answer her, that's like the tenth bing-bong message she sent. She wants to know what's wrong?
ChandlerWhat's wrong? What's wrong? You're married that's what's wrong.
(Bing, bong)
PhoebeOh, my.
PhoebeShe wants to meet you in person.
ChandlerHey, look, Phoebe I wanted to meet her in person too, ok, but she's married, she has a husband.
PhoebeWhat if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy. You don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when your 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.
ChandlerI don't know.
(She instant messages Chandler.)
PhoebeListen to that. Those are-those are the bing bongs of a woman in love with you.
ChandlerOk, I'll do it!
PhoebeOh, yeah! Ok! Great! Go, man, go put on your shoes, and, and march out there and meet her! (Chandler runs and picks up his shoes) Oh, wait, no, no you have to take a shower, 'cause, eww. (Chandler runs to the bathroom, as the computer bing-bongs) No, you, you have to, you answer her, answer her first. (Chandler runs to the computer) No, no, you know what make some coffee 'cause its too much. (Chandler walks slowly into the kitchen) At Barry and Mindy's reception, Monica and Richard are sitting at a table, and Monica is trying to throw a piece of candy into his mouth. MonicaOk, one more, please. Come on, I'm gonna get it in this time, I will.
RichardOk, last chance. (Monica throws the candy and hits some woman in the back of the head, Richard turns around and says) Again, I'm sorry.
MonicaYou know what, maybe I don't need to have children. Maybe I just think I do because that is what society, and by that I mean my mom, has, has always convinced me that I...(sees two little girls dancing together) I do, I have to have children, I'm sorry, I just do.
Best Man(standing up) Yo! Can I have your attention, please, Best Man, making a toast here. Thank you. (clears throat, and starts reading his toast) I remember when Barry got home from his first date with Rachel...
Best ManWhat, (to Barry) you hired the same band I can't use the same speech. (gets a 'da-doom-chesh' from the drummer) Thank you, thank you very much. Anyway, I wish you both a wonderful life together. And Rachel...
Best ManNo, no, no now in all seriousness, it's not a lot of women would've had the guts to come back here tonight, and even fewer, who would do it with their asses hanging out! (da-doom-chesh)
Ross(standing up) Uh, I like to, uh, to add something to that...
RachelWhat are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding, why are you adding?
RossMost of you don't know me, Um I'm Rachel's boyfriend.
RachelOh dear God.
RossRoss, uh and uh, I'd just like to say, that it did take a lot of courage for Rachel to come here tonight. And, uh, just for the record she did not run out on Barry because she had syphilis. (da-doom-chesh) (to drummer) What're you doing? I'm serious. Uh, the reason she walked out on, on Barry is simply that, she didn't love him, which incidentally worked out pretty well for me (looks for the da-doom-chesh, and doesn't get one) Uh...so to review: Rachel...took a lot of courage...doesn't have the syphilis...and...wound up...with me. Cheers.
Rachel(to Ross) See you in the parking lot.
Ross(runs after her) No, Rach!
BarryAnd once again she is out of here. Ok, who had 9:45? Um?
{It is a sweepstakes, a bet. The girl is known for running away at the wedding, so everyone made a bet when it would happen - at what time. At 9 o'clock, or at 9.15, or half past nine, or 9.45. So, everybody has a different time, which is their 'bet' of when it will happen. So, when it happens at 9.45, the question is asked, "which person had the time of "9.45" as their chosen time?" "Who had 9.45?" They win. [link]}
RachelHuh. (After a pause with everyone staring at her, she goes up to the microphone) You know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least one of your weddings (da-doom-chesh). See now, tonight, all I really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. I guess there's nothing really left to say except....(Starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (Band joins in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She-she would..."
Rachel(singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.."
RachelAt the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa.... Later, Richard and Monica are dancing. RichardOk, I'll do it.
MonicaYou'll do what?
RichardIf kids is what it takes to be with you then kids it is.
MonicaOh my God!
RichardIf I have to, I'll, I'll do all again, I'll do the 4 o'clock feeding thing, I'll go to the PTA meetings, I'll coach the soccer team.
RichardYeah, if I have to. Monica, I don't wanna lose you, so, if I have to do it all over again, then I will.
MonicaYou're the most wonderful man. And if you hadn't have said 'if I have to' like seventeen times, then I'd be saying 'ok, let's do it.'
RichardBut you're not.
MonicaOh my God, I can't believe what I'm getting ready to say. I wanna have a baby, but I don't wanna have one with someone who doesn't really wanna have one.
RichardGod. I love you.
MonicaI know you do. Me too. (pause) So what now?
RichardI guess we just keep dancing. Central Perk, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Phoebe are there waiting for Chandler's cyberchick to arrive. ChandlerWhere is she, Where is she? (grabs Rachel) Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
RachelOh Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
Chandler(noticing a beautiful blond walking in) Ooh, oh, oh, that's her.
Ross(seeing her also) Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
PhoebeChandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know, if you keep looking at it and then the door is, it's never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
(Chandler's date walks in)
ChandlerOh my God! (it's Janice)
JaniceOH.....MY.....GAWD!! (Chandler rushes over and kisses her)
AllOH.....MY.....GOD!! Chandler and Joey's, Joey is reading a script as Ross enters. RossAll right I've been feeling incredibly guilty about this, because I wanna be a good friend, and damn it I am a good friend. So just, just shut up and close your eyes (kisses Joey).
JoeyWow, you are a good friend, 'course the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it. But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.

Story by Ira Ungerleider; Teleplay by Brown Mandell; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp