Central Perk, the whole gang is entering
JoeyI'm telling you that girl totally winked at me.
AllDid not, she did not wink at you...(Sees that their sacred couch is occupied by strangers).
ChandlerHuh. (They all leave, dejected)
Rachel and Monica's, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast.
RossI have to say Tupolo Honey by Van Morrison.
RachelNooo Way! The most romantic song ever was The Way We Were.
PhoebeUh, see, I-I think that one that Elton John wrote for, um, that guy on Who's The Boss.
RachelWhat song was that, Pheebs?
Phoebe(singing) Hold me close, young Tony Dan-za.
(Monica enters from her bedroom)
(She just walks straight into the bathroom)
PhoebeOh my God, has she slept at all?
RachelNo, it's been three nights in a row.
RossYeah, she finally stopped crying yesterday, but then she found one of Richard's cigar butts out on the terrace, so.
PhoebeOh, ok that explains it. I got a call at two in the morning, but all I could hear was, like, this high squeaky sound, so I thought oh, ok so it's like a mouse or a opossum. Then, I realized, like, ok where would a mouse or a opossum get the money to make the phone call.
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is coming in from the bedroom.
JoeyMorning, hey, you made pancakes?
ChandlerYeah, like there's any way I could ever do that.
Janice(Entering and singing) Monica and Rachel had syrup, uh-uh, now I can get my man to cheer up. (laughs hysterically) Good morning Joey.
Joey(sarcastically) Good morning.
JaniceOoh someone's wearing grumpy pants.
ChandlerGotta be you man. I'm wearing smarty pants.
JaniceOk here we go. (putting pancakes on her dish) One, two, and here is my chance to give you (to Chandler) a third one. Joey?
JoeyNo no. I'll just have juice.
ChandlerHey, you know what, here's a thought. Why don't you stay home from work today and just hang out with me.
JaniceOh, I wish. Listen, honey, you have that report to finish, and I've gotta go see my lawyer.
ChandlerI can not believe I am going out with someone that is getting divorced. I'm such a grown-up. Joey, hey, go to your room!
JoeyChandler, hey, up yours!
Janice(laughs) I-I-I gotta go, I gotta go. Ok, not without a kiss.
ChandlerWell, maybe I won't kiss you, and then you'll have to stay.
Joey(under his breath) Kiss her! Kiss her!
JaniceI'll see you later, sweetie. Bye Joey.
JoeyBye bye Janice. So when ya dumping her.
ChandlerNope, not this time.
JoeyCome on, quit yanking me.
ChandlerI'm not yanking you.
JoeyThis is Janice.
ChandlerYeah, I know. She makes me happy.
JoeyOk. All right. You look me in the eye and tell me, without blinking, that you're not breaking up with her. No blinking.
Chandler(looks him in the eye) I'm not breaking up with her! (they stare at each other for a while, then Joey blows in his face)
Rachel and Monica's, Monica is entering from the bathroom.
MonicaGod, look what I found in the drain.
MonicaIt's some of Richard's hair! (holds it close to Ross) What do I do with this?
RossGetting it away from me would be job one.
MonicaIt's weird, but you know what I don't wanna throw this away. I mean this is like all I have left of him, gross, drain hair. Ooh! (drops it in Ross's cereal)
PhoebeOoh. Oh. Looks like, like a tiny little person drowning in your cereal. (Ross gives her this look, like 'Yeah, doesn't it', and gets up to dump it down the drain.)
MonicaGod, what is wrong with me.
RossYou need to get some sleep.
MonicaI need to get some Richard.
RachelMonica, you broke up with him for a reason.
MonicaI know, I know. I'm just so tired of-of missing him. I'm tired of wondering why hasn't he called. Why hasn't he called!
PhoebeMaybe, 'cause you told him not to?
MonicaWhat are you, the memory woman?
Joey(entering) They're not breaking up. Chandler and Janice. They're not breaking up. He didn't blink or anything.
RachelWell, you know I'm not surprised. I mean have you seen them together, they're really cute.
JoeyCute? This is Janice! You remember Janice?
RachelYes, Joey, I remember, she's annoying, but you know what she's-she's his girlfriend now. I mean what can we do?
JoeyThere you go! That's the spirit I'm looking for! What can we do? Huh? All right who's first? Huh? Ross?
RossWell I'm thinking Chandler's our friend and Janice makes him happy, so I say we all just be adult about it and accept her.
JoeyYeah, we'll call that Plan B. All right? Come on people, we need some inspiration!
PhoebeYeah, ok. All right, you want a plan? Here we go, all right. So umm ok Ross, you go into the air duct and disable the alarm, ok? And you know the rest of us will just rappel down ropes. We're in and out in ten minutes (snaps fingers) and disappear into the night. Huh, huh?
Ross's bedroom, Ross is working and Rachel is reading a book in bed.
Rachel(She leans over and kisses him on the cheek) Honey, I was wondering....
RachelDo you still have that, um, navy uniform?
RossNooo, I had to return it to the costume place.
RossI think I have an old band uniform from high school.
RachelYou remember not having sex in high school, right?
RachelWell honey, what about you?
RachelI mean, fun, you know, fantasy type things?
RachelCome on you gotta have one!
RachelRoss, you know what?
RachelIf you tell me, I might do it.
RossOk, umm. Did you ever see, um, Return Of The Jedi?
RossDo you remember the scene with, um, Jabba the Hut? He was this uh...really fat worm guy.
RachelWow, men and women really are different.
RossNo no no see Jabba had, as his prisoner, um, Princess Leia.
RossPrincess Leia, was wearing this, um, gold bikini thing. It was pretty cool.
Rachel(seductively) So are you saying you would like me to um....dress up like Princess Leia, in a gold bikini?
(They both hug.)
Central Perk, Phoebe and Rachel are there.
PhoebeYeah, oh, Princess Leia and the gold bikini, oh, every guy our age loved that.
PhoebeUm, um. It's huge. Yeah, that's the moment, when-when, you know she stopped being a princess, and she became, you know, like, a woman, you know.
RachelDid you ever do the-the Leia thing?
PhoebeOh, yeah, um-mm. Oh!
RachelReally! That-that great huh?
PhoebeNo it's just that I got this new pager and I have it on vibrate. See ya!
Ross(Entering with Monica in tow) Hey!
RachelHi you guys!
RossLook who I found standing outside the Szechuan Dragon staring at a parking meter.
RachelWhy aren't you at work?
MonicaOh, they-they sent me home.
MonicaBecause I don't work at the Szechuan Dragon.
RachelYou really, really need to get some sleep, honey.
MonicaI know I do.
RossThey published my paper.
RossYeah, Statistical Deviations In the Carbon Dating of Fossilized Algae colon History or Mystery?
PhoebeRach, look! (she holds two buns up to her ears to make her hair look like the Princess Leia's does.) Oh, hi! Where is my strong Ross Skywalker to come rescue me. (Ross stands up horrified) There he is.
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching Wheel of Fortune, the puzzle is showing _oun_ Rush_ore.
JoeyFortune! This guy is so stupid. (yelling) It's Count Rushmore!!
ChandlerYou know, you should really go on this show. All right, listen, I got three tickets to the Rangers tonight. What'd you say?
JoeyI say, 'I am there!' Cool! Aw, is Ross going to?
JoeyJan-ice. 'Cause I, just, I feel bad for Ross, you know, we-we always go together, we're like the three hocke-teers.
ChandlerYou know, I may be way out on a limb here, but do you, do you, have a problem with Janice?
JoeyNo, Yeeees. God, how do I say this. Uh... (Walks into the kitchen, Chandler follows closely, he turns around and gets startled). Oh, hi, you know that girl from the Greek restaurant with the hair (holds his hands up to signify she has big hair)?
ChandlerOoh, that girl that I hate, eww, drives me crazy, eww, eww, oh!
JoeyLook, I don't hate Janice, she's-she's just a lot to take, you know.
ChandlerWell, there you go.
JoeyOh, hey. Come on man, don't look at me like that, she used to drive you nuts before too, remember?
ChandlerWell, I'm crazy about her now. I think this could be the Real Thing. Capital 'R'! Capital 'T'! (Joey stares at him) Don't worry, those are the right letters.
JoeyLook, what do you want me to say?
ChandlerI want you to say that you like her!
ChandlerSo you're not even gonna try?
JoeyWhat's the point? It's like this chemical thing, you know. Every time she starts laughing, I just wanna (grimaces and tenses up) pull my arm off just so I have something to throw at her.
ChandlerThanks for trying. (grabs the ticket and starts to leave) Oh, and by the way there is no Count Rushmore!
JoeyYeah, then-then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain? (Chandler gives him a look like 'You stupid idiot!')
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Ross are entering.
RossHow could you've told her?
RachelRoss, I didn't think it would that big a deal.
RossOh, she didn't think it would be that big a deal.
RachelOk, who are you talking to when you do that?
RossLook, that was supposed to be like a private, personal thing between us.
RachelOk, Ross, Phoebe is my girl friend, ok? We tell each other everything. You know, I mean, come on, guys do the same thing, I mean, what about all that locker room stuff.
RossThat's different, ok. That's like, uh 'Who dated a stripper?' or 'Who did it on the back of the Staten Island Ferry?'.
RachelWere both of those Joey?
RossYeah. Look, you don't, you don't talk about like, you know, your girlfriend and the intimate stuff you, you do with her.
RachelNot even with your best friend.
RachelThat is so sad. You're missing out so much, Ross. I mean, the bonding and the sharing, you know. And-and knowing that someone else is going through the same thing you are.
RossHmph. So what, you, you tell each other everything?
RossDid you talk about the night of five times? Do you tell people about the night of five times?
RachelUh, honey, yeah that was with Carol.
RossI know, but it's still worth mentioning, I think.
Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to relax her.
Phoebe(In a soothing voice) Relax every muscle in your body. Listen to the plinky plunky music. Ok, now close you eyes, and think of a happy place. Ok, tell me your happy place.
MonicaRichard's living room, drinking wine.
PhoebeAll right. No, no, no, not a Richard thing, just put down the glass. And get out!
MonicaSorry, but that's my happy place.
PhoebeWell, ok, fine, use my happy place. Ok, I'm just gonna, I have to ask that you don't move anything in there.
ChandlerOk, give me a second! (Pause) Did you clean up in here?
MonicaAll right, I'll try not to.
PhoebeOk. All right, so, you're in a meadow, millions of stars in the sky....
MonicaDo you think breaking up with him was a huge mistake?
PhoebeOk, there are no questions in the happy place. Ok, just, the warm breeze, and the moonlight flowing through the tree....
MonicaI bet he's totally over me, I'll bet he's fine.
PhoebeAll right, betting and wagering of any kind, are, I'm sure, not permitted in happy place. Ok. Just-just, you know, the-the lovely waterfalls, and the, the trickling fountains. And the-the calming sounds of the babbling brook....
MonicaOk, this isn't working. I'm still awake and now I have to pee.
Chandler and Joey's. There's a rhythmic knock on the door. Joey gets up to answer it.
Joey(groans and nervously answers the door) Janice. (laughs nervously) Hi, you just missed Chandler, but uh won't you come in before you go? (she does so)
JaniceSo, I hear, you hate me!
JoeyI, ah, I never said hate, I was very careful about that.
JaniceA little birdie told me something about you wanting to rip your arm off and throw it at me.
JoeyAnd you got 'hate' from that?! You're thinking a big leap there...
JaniceAll right, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, we have got to do something about our little situation here Joey. So, this is my idea: you and me spending some quality time together.
JoeyBut what does that gonna do...
JoeyOk. I'm in.
JaniceOk. All right. This is what we're gonna call it: 'Joey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!'
JoeyDoes it have to be a whole day?
JaniceYes, because that's how long it takes to love me.
JoeyYeah, I know, I sleep in the next room.
Central Perk. Everyone is there except for Monica and Joey.
ChandlerSo, do you guys all hate Janice too?
PhoebeOoh you hate Janice now? Oh! Joey's going to be so relieved.
RachelOh my God. My God. (Monica is outside the window mouthing something and crying hysterically. Rachel goes outside to get her.)
ChandlerOh look everybody....it's Weepy: The Mime That Cares Too Much.
(Monica and Rachel enter.)
Monica(crying) And I went down to the post office, and it turns out it was those videos that I ordered for Richard about the Civil War. He loved the Civil War.
PhoebeMonica, do you want us to take you home?
MonicaUh, huh. (to Ross) Or maybe to a galaxy far, far away. (Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe leave)
RossWomen tell each other everything. Did you know that?
RossNo Chandler, everything! Like stuff you like, stuff she likes, technique, stamina, girth....
ChandlerGirth? Why, why, why, wh-why, why, why, why would they do this?
RossRachel says sharing's great and supposedly, you know, we ought to be doing it. You wanna?
ChandlerWe're not gonna talk about girth are we?
ChandlerYeah! All right! You go first.
RossOk, ok, I'll go first.
RossSo, uh, the other night Rachel and I are in bed talking about fantasies, and I happened to describe a particular Star Wars thing....
ChandlerPrincess Leia in gold bikini.
RossYes! Wow, well, that-that was easy. Ok, you-you go.
ChandlerOk, well you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman.
ChandlerAnd, ah, you know, you're fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....
RossWith the belly button ring? Oh, muhawa!
ChandlerI know, And then all of a sudden your mom pops into your head. And you're like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but 'course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what you're doing. So it's kind of like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You don't know!
RossYour mom, you're telling me, you're telling me, about your mom, what is the matter with you?
RossI said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! (Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts his head down).
Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Janice are returning from their DAY OF FUN!
ChandlerHey, what are you guys doing together?
JaniceJoey and Janice's DAY OF FUN!!! (laughs)
JoeyYeah, yeah. We went to a Mets game, we got Chinese food, and, you know, I love this woman. You have got competition buddy.
JaniceI just came by to give you a kiss, I have to go pick up the baby, so. I'll see you later sweetheart, you too Chandler. (laughs)
ChandlerYou still can't stand her can you?
JoeyI'm sorry man, I tried, I really did.
ChandlerWell, you know, I appreciate you giving it a shot.
JoeyBut, hey, look, you know, the good thing is, is that we spent the whole day together, and I survived, and what's even more amazing, so did she. It was bat day, at Shea Stadium.
ChandlerWell, I guess that's something.
JoeyOh man, that's huge! Now, I know I can stand to be around her, which means I get to hang out with you, which is kinda the whole point, anyway.
JoeyOh, hey, Chandler, we, ah, we stopped by the coffee shop and ran into Ross.
JoeyHey, if it makes you feel any better, I do it too.
JoeyOh yeah, I always picture your mom when I'm having sex.
Rachel and Monica's, Monica is watching the Civil War videos.
VideoApril Twelve, Eighteen hundred sixty one (Monica lights Richard's cigar butt), 4:30 A.M. on Tuesday, the United States garrison at Fort Sumter was fired upon (knock on door) it is now under bombardment by...
(Monica answers the door)
MonicaHey, Dad, what are you doing here?
Mr. GellerWell, it's your mother's bridge night so I thought that I'd come into the city for a little Monicuddle. (hugs her) Since when did you start smoking cigars?
MonicaI don't, I just, I just like the smell of them. So, uh, what are you really doing here Dad?
Mr. GellerWell, I just wanted to make sure that you are ok.
MonicaWhat makes you think that I might not be ok?
Mr. GellerI saw Richard.
Mr. GellerSo, how are you doing?
MonicaI'm fine, just a little tired, but I'm ok. How-how's Richard doing?
Mr. GellerYou don't wanna know.
MonicaNo, I-I really, really do.
Mr. GellerWell, he's doing terrible!
Mr. GellerIt's worse than when he broke up with Barbara.
MonicaYou're not just saying that are you?
Mr. GellerNo, the man is a mess.
MonicaWas he crying?
MonicaWell, do you think he was waiting 'til after you left, so he could cry?
MonicaI think so.
Mr. GellerHoney, relationships are hard. Like with your mom and me. You know after we graduated from college we broke up for a while. It seems her father, your grandfather, wanted her to travel around Europe, like he did. Of course, he got to do it on Uncle Sam's nickel, because he was also strafing German troop trains at the time. However, (turns around and sees that Monica is sleeping and puts a blanket around her, kisses her, picks up the cigar, and starts watching the video)
Ross's bedroom, Ross is humming the Star Wars theme. Rachel enters, with her hair done up like Princess Leia's, and wearing a belly dancer's outfit, to simulate the gold bikini thing.
RachelOk, here we go. I'm Jabba's prisoner, and you, have a really weird look on your face. What? Honey, what is it? Did I get it wrong? Did I get the hair wrong? What? Did you just picture it differently? What? What?
RossNo, no it's, um, it's not you, um, it's um, it's (turns and sees his mom standing where Rachel is)
Mrs. GellerWell what is it? Come on sweetie, your kinda like, freaking me out here.
RossI hate Chandler, the bastard ruined my life. (Rachel starts looking around and down, with a 'What the hell is going on?' look on her face.)
Written by Michael Curtis and Gregory S. Malins; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp