Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting reading a book and hears the bed in Joey's room creaking, and does a 'Oh no, not again' look on his face.
Joey(from bedroom) WHOAA!!
Chandler(Going to the bedroom) See Joe, that's why your parents told you not to jump on the bed.
Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering.
MonicaHey, look at me. I'm making jam, been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.
RossWhere'd you get fruit at four in the morning?
MonicaWent down to the docks. Hey, Bet you don't know you can get it wholesale.
RachelI didn't know there were docks.
[Joey and Chandler enter]
RossAww, is it broken?
JoeyNo, I gotta wear this thing for a couple of weeks. (points to the sling he is wearing)
RachelDid you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
JoeyNooo. I had a story all worked out but then uh, Chandler sold me out.
ChandlerWell, I'm sorry Joe. I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just FELL out of the socket.
JoeyWhat is this? Fruit?
RachelMonica's making jam.
JoeyWhoa, jam! I love jam! (to Chandler) Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
ChandlerBecause the kids need new shoes.
MonicaOne into business people. I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan, plan to get over my man. What's the opposite of man? Jam. (sees Joey trying some jam from the pot) Oh Joey don't! It's way too hot. (Joey realizes this and spits what he had in his mouth back into the pot.)
JoeyThis'll just be my batch, right.
Street, Phoebe is being followed by some guy, as they pass a flower vendor. Phoebe turns around and the guy quickly picks up some flowers and continues following her.
Phoebe(Turns around) Um, that's it. No. Hey! You! J. Crew guy. Yeah. Why have you been following me? I mean, all week long everywhere I look there's you.
GuyYou wouldn't return my calls, you sent back my letters....
GuyOne more chance Ursula, please.
PhoebeOooh. Oh, oh this is awkward.
PhoebeUm, yeah, 'cause you want Ursula, and I'm Phoebe. Twin sisters! Seriously.
GuyOh, that's great. I'm stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus!
PhoebeOh, you're not a dingus.
GuyI just, I want-want you to know I didn't used to be like this. Before I met your sister I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.
PhoebeWell, I mean look, it's, it's not your fault, you know. I mean this is just, this's what she does to guys, ok? It's just
GuyWell, thanks. (starts to leave)
PhoebeWait, (Grabs him) you know what, I got a little story. When I was in junior high school I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me, that I think will help you a lot. He said ok, 'you're not a witch you're just an average student.' See what I'm saying?
PhoebeUm, well, get over it. So, I mean you, you just seem like a really nice guy, you know. I just, don't be so hard on yourself, ok?
GuyWait. You're right. I know you're right. And, thanks for being so nice. Here (Gives her the flowers he bought.)
PhoebeOh, thanks a lot. Do you wanna get a cup of coffee or?
PhoebeOk. (They start to leave, he is still following her) Ok, you don't have to walk behind me anymore.
Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering.
Rachel(Reading) 'Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.'
RossWait a minute, look.
RossLook, look, look.
RachelWhat, what, what?
RossIt's an empty apartment.
RossWe're all alone in an empty apartment.
RachelHoney, come on, I have to be at work in like ten minutes (Ross starts kissing her neck) Oh, all right, well it's not like I'm employee of the year or anything. (They fall onto the couch)
(Chandler enters and they both jump up and pretend that Ross is showing her something in the couch.)
RossThere it is.
RachelOh, oh, that's what you're talking about. (to Chandler) Hey.
ChandlerDo I look fat?
Ross and RachelNoo.
ChandlerOk, I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.
RachelOk, walk us through it, honey, walk us through it.
ChandlerOk, well. Janice said 'Hi, do I look fat today?' And I, I looked at her....
RossWhoa, whoa, whoa. You looked at her. You never look. You just answer, it's like a reflex. Do I look fat? Nooo! Is she prettier than I am? Noo! Does size matter?
RossAnd it works both ways.
ChandlerOk, so you both just know this stuff?
RachelYou know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.
RossOk, for instance. Let's say, Janice is coming back from a trip and she gives you two options. Option number 1, she'll take a cab home from the airport. Or option 2, you can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do?
ChandlerThat's easy, baggage claim.
Ross(Buzzes) Wrong! Now you're single. It's actually secret option number three, you meet her at the gate. That way she knows you love her.
ChandlerOk, this is good, this is good. All right listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle, at night, which, you know I'm all for. But, uh, you know when you wanna go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, you know, how do I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something.
RachelOh honey, I'm sorry we can't help you there, 'cause we're cuddly sleepers. (Chandler makes an 'Ewww' face) Ok, I'm late for work.
RachelAll right are you guys gonna come down?
RossUh, yeah, yeah I'll, I'm right behind you.
RachelOk. Good luck Chandler.
ChandlerThank you Rachel.
Ross(Blows her a kiss) (to Chandler) Ok the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
ChandlerWell, I thought you guys were (Mocking Rachel) cuddly sleepers.
RossNoo! No, not cuddly, not me, just her. I'm like you, I need the room. Ok, come here. (They sit on the couch and Ross puts his hands on Chandler's shoulder and thigh.) Ok, you're in bed...
ChandlerYeah. (They both notice where his hands are)
RossI'm gonna use the cushion.
RossOk, you're in bed. She's over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her (Demonstrates on the cushion) and roll her over to her side of the bed. And then you rollll a-way. Hug for her! Roll for you.
ChandlerOk, the old hug and roll.
ChandlerOk, one question.
ChandlerYou're pretending the pillow's a girl right?
Central Perk, Joey is putting jam on his muffin, lots of jam.
JoeyRemember when you where a kid and your mom would drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a little spoon?
Rachel(Looks at him) You're so pretty.
PhoebeHey, oh, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today.
Joey(With food in his mouth) You talked to him. Are you crazy?
PhoebeOk, first I'm not crazy. And second, say it, don't spray it. Anyway his name is Malcom, and he wasn't following me, I mean he was, but just 'cause he thought I was Ursula, ick. And, that's why, that's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. 'Cause of the restraining order.
ChandlerUmm, not feeling better about Malcom.
PhoebeOoh! No, no, no, no, he's not like a kook, no. He's just like this, this very passionate, incredibly romantic guy, that got like a teensy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he's so cute.
RossOh my God, you've got a crush on your sister's stalker.
PhoebeNo, I'm just gonna help him, you know, get 'de-Ursula-ized', like you know, like I did for Joey after he went out with her.
Joey(With his mouthful) Hey, I didn't stalk her. I mean (he sprays Phoebe with crumbs)
PhoebeOk, I asked for the news, not the weather.
Monica(Entering) Hey guys.
MonicaJoey, this is for you. (Gives him a jar of jam) It's blackberry currant.
JoeyAww. (Tastes it) Ohh!
ChandlerOk, Joe, I gotta ask. The girl from the Xerox place buck naked (Holds up one hand), or, or a big tub of jam. (Holds up the other hand)
JoeyPut your hands together.
MonicaJoey, take your time with that. That's my last batch.
JoeyNo more jam?!
RachelWell, what happened to your jam plan?
MonicaI figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.
ChandlerWell, you're gonna need much bigger jars.
RossWhat are you talking about?
MonicaI'm talking about me having a baby.
RachelAre you serious?
MonicaYeah. The great thing about the jam plan was, I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, what is the most important thing to me in the world and that's when I came up with the baby plan.
RossWell, aren't you forgeting something? What, what, what is uh, what is that guy's name? Dad!
MonicaIt took me 28 years to find one man that I wanna spend my life with, if I have to wait another 28 years then, I'll be 56 before I can have a baby, and that's just stupid.
ChandlerThat's what's stupid?
MonicaI don't need an actual man, just a couple of his best swimmers, you know? And there are places that you can go to get that, stuff.
RachelDown at the docks again?
Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are cuddling.
JaniceNight night Bing-a-ling.
ChandlerNight-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look at all that room on her side, you can fit a giant penguin over there. That'd be weird though. Ok, hug and roll time. I'm hugging, I'm hugging, you're rolling, and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Ok, time for the old tablecloth trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!' (Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)
Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe all of his spy stuff.
MalcomHere's my binoculars.
PhoebeOh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going strong. Keep going.
MalcomThese are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Libs, they're just for fun.
PhoebeOh, yeah. What's this? (picks up a book)
MalcomOh, this is the log I kept, recording her every movement. You wanna hear something from it?
PhoebeUm, not even a little bit.
MalcomIt's about you.
PhoebeOh, ok then.
Malcom(Reading) I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me even though I'm such a loser. And then when I was walking home I thought about her a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool.
PhoebeGood. So what were you thinking?
MalcomI was thinking what it'd be like to kiss you.
MalcomSee that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss you.
PhoebeOh, ok. (he kisses her)
Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight out of the jar, and Chandler is staring at him in amazement. Joey offers him some.
ChandlerNo, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.
Monica(Entering from her bedroom) Ok, sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Ok, 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
ChandlerYou mean there's more than one of us?
RossYou can't do this, Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm gonna, I'm, I'm gonna.....
MonicaYou're gonna what?
RossI'm gonna tell mom.
RachelHoney, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy.
MonicaWhat?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to do something....
Ross(Interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way...
MonicaLips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It-it makes me ache, you know?
JoeyCheck it out!! Jam crackers I mean!
MonicaOk, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. (They all turn and look at Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks rule!'
JoeyYeah, the Knicks rule!
MonicaJoey, this is you!
JoeyLet me see. (Goes over and looks at the form) Oh, right.
RachelWhen did you go to a sperm bank?
JoeyWell, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. (to Chandler) Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
ChandlerAnd that's how you bought it?
JoeyNoooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised there's any of my boys left.
MonicaWell, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual rocket scientist here.
JoeyMaybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our Lives' gig on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.
RossHow's the maniac?
PhoebeOh, he's yummy. We did a little kissing.
RachelPhoebe, what are you doing?
PhoebeOh, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore. He quit, for me.
RachelPheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows how long, ok, you don't just give up something like that.
PhoebeLook, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.
RossYou're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
PhoebeWhat, he's not still following her. You think he is still following her?
ChandlerPheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
PhoebeWhat are you saying I should do?
MonicaI think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.
PhoebeThank you, Monica.
JoeyOrrr, you could follow him and see where he goes.
MonicaOh, that's what I would do, forget mine.
RachelOh my God, what happened? (points to the cast on Janice's wrist)
JaniceOh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!
RachelWow! Spinning, that sounds like fun.
JaniceOh, (Laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's hug and roll thing.
Rachel(Turns around, not amused) Ross's what?
JaniceYou know what, where he hugs you and he kinda rolls you away and... Oh... my....God.
Subway station, Phoebe is following Malcom by finding behind the pillars until she comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can next to it. Malcom stops and starts walking the other way and passes Phoebe, who quick tries to hide behind the garbage can. But, Malcom sees her.
PhoebeYes? Yes! Oh.
MalcomWhat're you doing?
PhoebeOh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich. Here it is! Oh. (picks one up out of the garbage can.) Oh!
MalcomWere-were you following me?
PhoebeUm, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
MalcomSo you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula walks past; finding that, Malcom hides behind the pillar)
PhoebeOh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister. Just walking along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?
MalcomI'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic.
PhoebeNo, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Ok, well, I mean, I can't date you anymore, 'cause you're, you know (in a high-pitched voice) Wow! But um, but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Ok, stalk me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
MalcomUh-huh, I don't know.
PhoebeYeah, just, ok, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the pillar, which way am I gonna go?
Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering.
JoeyWhere're you going?
MonicaTo the bank.
JoeyHuh. Sperm or regular?
JoeySo you're really doing this, huh?
MonicaOh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.
JoeyHe sounds nice.
MonicaAh, l'd say so. He got brown hair, and green eyes...
JoeyNo kidding, hmm.
JoeyNo, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.
JoeyI don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart blond guys, name like.... Hoyt.
JoeyIt's a name, yeah. I saw you in this, you know, this great house with a big pool.
MonicaYeah, is-is he a swimmer?
JoeyHe's got the body for it.
MonicaI like that. (Joey starts laughing) What?
JoeyYou guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in our pool,' you know.
MonicaWe do not have one of those signs.
JoeySure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three great kids.
MonicaTwo girls and a boy?
MonicaAnd, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.
JoeySure! (Monica gets very depressed) But hey, you know this way sounds good too.
JoeyOh Monica. (Goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut? That would've been cool, (Sees Monica) for like a day. (Hugs her again)
(Suddenly Malcom is looking through Monica's window with his binoculars and then knocks. Both Monica and Joey turn around to see who it is.)
MonicaShe'll be back at 5! (Malcom motions he can't hear her.) (Monica holds up her hand as does Joey) Five! (Malcom gives thumbs up and leaves.)
Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the last of the jam.
JoeyI called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it you know? (Tries to drink the rest of the jam out of the jar and gets it all over his face, on his chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if they met me in person.
RachelHoney, you got a little thing on your...(Points to her whole face)
Joey(Wipes a little jam from the corner of his mouth) Get it?
Ross(Sees Joey) Hey. (Walks into the living room) Uh, Chan, can I uh, can I talk to you for a second?
ChandlerSure. What's up?
RossJust one uh, one additional relationship thought. Um, something you probably, are already familiar with, uh, women talk! (smacks Chandler over the head with a magazine)
Written by Wil Calhoun; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp