Chandler and Joey's, there is lumber all over the apartment.
ChandlerHey-hey-hey. So what happened? Did a forest tick you off?
JoeyNo. You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail.
JoeyWell, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
ChandlerYou're building a post office?
JoeyNo, an entertainment unit, with a mail cubby built right in. It's a one day job, max.
ChandlerOk. (Notices that Joey is wearing some really tight jeans) My word! Those are snug.
JoeyOh yeah. These are my old work pants, Sergio Valente's.
(Chandler goes to his bedroom and opens the door. However, only the top half opens, and he trips into his bedroom over the bottom half.)
JoeyPower saw kinda got away from me there.
Outside Central Perk, Phoebe is pacing back and forth waiting for someone.
Rachel(Joining Phoebe outside) Hey Pheebs.
RachelAny sign of your brother?
PhoebeNo, but he's always late.
RachelI thought you only met him once?
PhoebeYeah, I did. I think it sounds like you know big sistery, you know, 'Frank's always late.' So.
RachelWell relax, he'll be here.
PhoebeNo, I know, I'm just nervous. You know I, it's just you know mom's dead, don't talk to my sister, Grandma's been sleeping a lot lately. It's just like the last desperate chance to have a family, you know, kinda thing. You're so sweet to wait with me.
RachelWell, actually Gunther sent me. You're not allowed to take cups out here, it's a thing. (Takes her cup and goes back inside)
Inside Central Perk.
ChandlerDoes anyone else think David Copperfield is cute?
MonicaNo, but he told me, he thinks you're a fox.
ChandlerAll right, Janice, likes him. In fact she likes him so much she put him on her freebie list.
ChandlerWell, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can't get mad.
RossAh, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
MonicaSo, Chandler, who's on your list?
ChandlerAh, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.
RachelNow, you do realize that she's a cartoon, and way out of your league?
ChandlerI know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.
JoeyMan this is such a great thing. You know, Annie Esposito would never have dumped me had we had a list like this, you know?. Oh, and also of course if her sister was famous. Hey, Monica, who would yours be?
MonicaFirst, I need a boyfriend, then I can have a list.
JoeyIt's a game Mon. (Makes a 'Can-you-believe-her' face to the rest of the gang.) Rach, how about you?
RachelOh, I don't know, I guess, Chris O'Donnell, John F. Kennedy, Jr., Daniel Day Lewis, Sting, and Parker Stevenson.
RachelWhat about you honey, who would be on your list?
RossWhy, you know, that-that kinda thing requires some serious thought. First, I'll divide my prospective candidates into categories....
Chandler(Coughing) What a geek!
Phoebe(Entering) Everybody this is Frank! This is my half-brother Frank.
PhoebeThis is everybody. This is, this is Ross.
FrankHow are you?
PhoebeThis is Monica.
PhoebeAnd this is Rachel.
PhoebeI'm gonna get coffee, for us.
FrankHey, how do you guys get anything done?
ChandlerWe don't, really.
RachelWell, so now, do you guys have a lot of big plans?
PhoebeOh yeah! Yeah, no, we're gonna connect, you know bond, and everything.
FrankYeah, I was thinking maybe we could go out down to Time Square and pick up some ninja stars. And, oh, um, my friend Larry, he wants me to take a picture of a hooker.
ChandlerYou know, we really don't take advantage of living in the city.
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is drilling a hole in the wall and the drill comes out the other side really close to Chandler's head. Chandler then rushes out to talk to Joey.
JoeyOh, sorry. Did I get ya?
ChandlerNo, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill, you get me, you kill me!!
JoeyCalm down, do you want this unit or not?
ChandlerI do NOT want this unit!!
JoeyWell, you should've told me that before, I'm not a mind reader. Hey, we're out of beer. Ok, I'm going to Monica's.
ChandlerFine! (Goes into his room and slams the door, then he slams the bottom half of the door.)
Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering.
MonicaHey! Where're ya heading in those pants? 1982?
JoeyOh Monica, listen, I ah, I saw down at the hardware store, they got those designer tiles on sale, if you wanna redo your bathroom floor.
MonicaWhat's wrong with my bathroom floor?
JoeyNothing. It's just old and dingy, that's all.
MonicaI highly doubt that. (They both go to the bathroom)
JoeyOh yeah? If you ah, move your hamper, you can see the color the tile used to be. (Monica gasps) Yeah.
MonicaI can't live like this! What-what are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?
JoeyRelax, relax. Here, hold this (Hands her his beer). This old stuff comes right up. I'll show ya. (He bends down to try and lift some tile right in the middle of the floor, in his tight pants.)
MonicaLittle more than I wanted to see.
Joey(Manages to pry off only a small piece) Aw! Look at that, every inch of this is glued down. It'd take forever to pry this up. You should ah, you should just leave it. (Starts to walk away, but Monica grabs him)
MonicaI can't leave it! You gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
(Joey places the toilet brush and holder over the hole, which is in the middle of the floor.)
JoeyEh! There you go.
MonicaAww. Yeah that's nice, you know we could put it back there after the surgeons remove it from your colon! Give me a new floor!
JoeyI can't Monica. Chandler would kill me if I don't finish the unit.
MonicaI'll pay you double what he is paying you.
JoeyHe's not paying me anything.
MonicaTriple! (Joey is about to leave but then turns around intrigued.)
Phoebe's, Frank and her, are sitting on the couch, watching TV.
Phoebe(Sits up) Oh, oh!
PhoebeYeah I know what I wanted to ask you. Um, can you roll your tongue? 'Cause, I'm sorry, 'cause I can, and my mom couldn't, and I thought you know, I figured that was something I got from our dad.
FrankWhat, wait, you mean like this? (Does it)
PhoebeYeah, yeah. You can do it too, yeah. (Tries to do it, but can't)
FrankYou're not doing it.
PhoebeOh right, ok, yeah, my mom could, and I can't. We don't have that....
FrankWhen's your birthday?
FrankI know a guy who's the 18th.
PhoebeThat's close. When's yours?
PhoebeThat's the same month as Halloween.
PhoebeYeah. So, um, what kinda things do you like to do at home?
Central Perk, Ross is working on his list.
RossOk, I've got three of my five.
RachelThree of your five, what?
RossCelebrities I'm allowed to sleep with.
RachelOh my God! You are giving this a lot of thought.
RossHey, it's hard, ok? I only have two spots left.
ChandlerAll right, so who you got it narrowed down to?
RossOk, Elizabeth Hurley....
ChandlerOooh-hoo, very attractive.
ChandlerEh, you know what, she's too political, she probably wouldn't let you do it unless you donated four cans of food first.
RossAnd!! Isabella Rosselini.
ChandlerOoh-hoo. Very hot, very sexy. But ah, you know, she's too international, you know she's never gonna be around.
ChandlerSo, you gotta play the odds, pick somebody who's gonna be in the country like all the time.
RachelYeah, 'cause that's why you won't get Isabella Rosselini, geography.
Phoebe's, Frank is melting a plastic spoon.
PhoebeOk so, by melting, you meant melting.
PhoebeSo is it like art?
FrankYeah, you can melt art. Hey, can I use your phone?
PhoebeUm, yeah sure. Why, you wanna call your mom?
FrankNo, I wanna melt it. No, just the numbers. It'll still work.
PhoebeOh, well um, not right now. You know what I think I'm just gonna go to bed, I think the fumes are giving me a headache, so.
Frank(Starts laughing) Yeah!
PhoebeHere. (Gives him a fire extinguisher) You know, just in case.
FrankOh, excellent. (Starts to melt the fire extinguisher's hose.)
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is eating breakfast with Monica while Frank is playing with Nunchaku on the balcony.
MonicaWhat kind of karate is that?
PhoebeNo kind. He just makes it up.
MonicaSo how's it go with you guys?
PhoebeSo far, it kind of blows. I don't know, I just thought, you know, that he'd feel more like a brother, you know, like you and Ross, just like close and connected and....
MonicaOh honey, we're close now but you-you wouldn't believe the years of-of nugies, and wedgies, and flying wedgies, and atomic wedgies, and....(Phoebe shakes her head like she doesn't understand) That's where the waistband actually goes over your head.
MonicaOh, we used to drive each other crazy playing the shadow game.
PhoebeOh, how do you play the shadow game?
MonicaOh, how do you play the shadow game?
PhoebeI just asked you.
MonicaI just asked you.
PhoebeI don't have time for this.
MonicaNo, that is what the game is.
PhoebeWhich you just gave up really quickly.
Chandler(Entering) Have you seen Joey?
MonicaWhat's the matter?
ChandlerOh, just this! (Turns around and has a paint lid stuck to the back of his pants.) You know what, it's my fault really, because the couch is where we usually keep the varnish.
Joey(Yelling from bathroom) Hey, somebody wanna hand me one of those tiles?
ChandlerWhat's going on?
MonicaHe's retiling my floor. (They both run to the bathroom)
ChandlerYo!! Spackle boy! Get up!
MonicaAh-ah-ah, hey you started this, you'll finish it.
ChandlerHe started mine first!
PhoebeBuild the unit Cinderellie, lay the tile Cinderellie. (Both Monica and Chandler look at her. She then walks off.)
Chandler (Simultaneously while arguing with Monica)He was helping me first!
Monica (Simultaneously while arguing with Chandler)But I need a bathroom first!
JoeyWoah, woah, woah woah. You guys figure it out. I'm gonna take a little break. (Goes to sit down)
ChandlerOh that's good!
MonicaTake a break?!
JoeyYeah, I think even God rested on the seventh day. (Sits down on Monica's couch)
Monica(Grabs his shirt) Joey if this takes seven days you'll be able to meet God and ask him about it yourself! (Joey proceeds to Monica's bathroom as Chandler motions him to go to their apartment.)
Phoebe's, Phoebe and Frank are watching TV.
FrankWhoa! Big octopus.
PhoebeYeah. (Phone rings and Phoebe answers it) Hello. (Listens) Oh my God, I totally forgot! (Listens) Well can't someone else do it? (Listens) But, I have company. (Listens) Yeah, no look, that's all right I'll come in. Ok. (Hangs up phone) Um, Frank, I'm really sorry but I have to go into work. It's-it's one of my regulars and he's insisting that I do him so.
FrankHey, what kind of work do you do?
PhoebeOh! I'm a masseuse. I give people massages and stuff.
FrankYou-you work at one of those massage parlors?
PhoebeWell, you know, we don't call it that, but yeah!
Frank(Starts laughing) Wow! That's wild! No, I had no idea.
PhoebeAll righty. I'll be back in-in a little bit. Unless, you wanna come with me?
FrankYou mean like watch?
PhoebeNo, no, you can get one yourself. It'll be on the house! You know, what are big sisters for?
FrankWell, I don't think this, you know.
PhoebeNo, no, no, I wouldn't do you myself, I mean that would be weird. Yeah, no, I'll get one of the other girls to do it. Oh, this is so much fun! Yey! Are you excited?
FrankYeah! Hey, do Monica and Rachel work there?
Monica and Rachel's bathroom, Joey and Monica are admiring the new floor.
MonicaBeautiful! It's like the first bathroom floor there ever was. (Chandler tries to go to the bathroom) Whoa! What're you going in there for?
ChandlerYou want, like a number?
ChandlerHi! Bye! (Runs to the bathroom)
RossOk, I'm done with my choices, these are final. (Holds up a little card)
RachelWell, it's about time.
JoeyYeah, very official.
RossOh, yeah, well, you know Chandler printed it up on his computer.
MonicaAnd who laminated it?
RossThat was me.
RachelAll right let me see. (Grabs the card) Uma Thurman, Winona Ryder, Elizabeth Hurley, Michelle Pfieffer, Dorothy Hamill?
RossHey, it's my list.
RachelOk honey, you do realize she only spins like that on ice.
Healing Hands Inc. (Phoebe's work), Frank is being ushered in, by the arm, to the room Phoebe is in by another girl.
FrankOw!-Ow!-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! You know, ow!
PhoebeHey!-Hey! What's going on?
FrankShe broke my arm.
GirlHe touched my fanny.
FrankNo, she touched mine first!
GirlThat's my job!
FrankSo wait, what's the deal here, I can have sex with you, but I can't touch you?
Phoebe and GirlEwww!!!
PhoebeYou can't have sex with her!
GirlWhat'd you think I was, a hooker?
FrankNo, ok, I know, you're a masseuse, it's cool, I'm not a cop.
PhoebeOk, Jasmine, can you, can you ask Mr. Whiffler if he can wait for like five minutes.
JasmineFine. (Starts to leave, and points at Frank) I don't like you!! (Leaves)
Phoebe(Turns around and hits Frank) So that's what you thought I did!! God! That's not what I do!
FrankWait, that's-that's, what that's not what you do?
PhoebeNooo! Oh! Why would you think that?
FrankI don't know, I mean, you know, it's, this is the city, you know, I just, I mean, I, I don't know.
PhoebeWhatever, it's the perfect end to the perfect weekend, anyway.
FrankOh, wait, no, you're right, no, it was perfect and uh, I can't believe that I screwed it up so bad.
PhoebeYou really thought it was perfect?
FrankWell, no, maybe-maybe it wasn't perfect, but you know, it was pretty cool, you know, 'cause we had all those great talks, you know?
PhoebeYeah, um, which ones in particular were great for you?
FrankWell you know about the tongue thing, you know, and how I told you about my likes and my dislikes...
FrankHow-how I like to melt stuff, and how I dislike stuff that doesn't melt.
PhoebeRight, ok, um-mm.
FrankYeah, you know, 'cause I feel like I can really talk to you 'cause, you know, you're my sister, you know?
PhoebeYeah, I guess I do, yeah.
FrankThen I go feel your friend up and make you mad at me.
PhoebeWell, I-I wasn't hopping mad, you know.
FrankYou hopped a little bit. Yeah, I'm really sorry. You know, I'm really.
PhoebeOk. All right, this is my favorite part of the weekend, right now, this.
FrankOh come on we went, we went to Time Square, we-we found ninja stars, I-I almost got arm broken by a hooker...
PhoebeShe is not a hooker.
FrankWell, when I tell my friends about her she will be.
Monica and Rachel's. Monica is doing Rachel's make up while Phoebe is getting some things out of her purse.
Monica(Sees something of Phoebe's on the table) Phoebe what's that?
PhoebeOh! Frank Jr. gave me this before he left. This present tools. It used to belong to our dad. It's his garage door opener till Frank melted it.
Phoebe(Starts to press the button on the garage door opener and Monica and Rachel's TV starts changing channels.) Cool!
Chandler(Walks in) Sound the bell, gather up all the men you can find. We got ourselves an entertainment unit raising. (Leaves)
(The girls don't move so Chandler comes back.)
ChandlerNo seriously, can you help us? (The girls get up.)
Chandler and Joey's, everyone is there, helping to lift the entertainment center into place.
ChandlerOk, on three. One....Two....
JoeyWhy don't we just go on two.
JoeyBecause it's faster.
ChandlerYeah, I could've counted to three like four times without all this 'two' talk.
JoeyAll right, but in the future...
RossHeavy thing, not getting lighter!
JoeySo we are going on two?
AllAll right!! (They lift it into place, however there is one small problem, the unit is so long that it blocks some of both of their bedroom doors.)
ChandlerOh, good job Joe.
JoeyWow, it's big!
ChandlerYeah. Yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller!
JoeyMaybe, my ruler's wrong.
PhoebeMaybe all the rulers are wrong.
JoeyLook it's not that bad. So what, it blocks a little of your door, a little of my door.
ChandlerYeah, you know what I got a better idea. How-how about it blocks none of mine door and a lot of your door? (Throws his shoulder into the center to try and move it, but it doesn't move.)
JoeyOk. Listen, before I forget, that side is still wet.
Chandler(Tries to remove himself from the unit unsuccessfully) Arm hair stuck! Arm hair stuck! (Tries again unsuccessfully)
Central Perk, Rachel is serving some guy coffee.
RachelOk sir, um-mm, let me just see if I got this right. Ah, so this is a half-caf, double tall, easy hazelnut, non-fat, no foam, with whip, extra hot latte, right? (The guy nods) Ok, great. (She starts to walk away and under her breath) You freak.
(Isabella Rosselini enters)
Ross(to Gunther) Thank you.
Isabella(to Gunther) Um, coffee to go, please.
(Ross recognizes her and goes over to the couch, mouthing 'Oh my God'
RossIsabella Rosselini. (Points to her)
MonicaAre you serious? (They all look) Oh my God.
RossDamn! I can not believe I took her off my list.
MonicaWhy? 'Cause otherwise you'd go for it? (Laughs)
RossYou know, maybe.
RachelOh-oh, you lie.
RossWhat, you don't think I'd go up to her?
RachelRoss, it took you ten years to finally admit you liked me.
RossYeah, well missy, you better be glad that list is laminated.
RachelYou know what honey, you go ahead, we'll call her an alternate.
RossOk, hold my cruller.
MonicaRach, are you really gonna let him do this?
RachelHoney, he's about to go hit on Isabella Rosselini. I'm just sorry we don't got popcorn.
Ross(to Isabella) Hi! Hi, I'm Ross, um, you don't know me, but I'm-I'm a big, big fan of yours. I mean, um-um, Blue Velvet, woo-oo hoo! Um, I was wondering if I could um, maybe buy you a, um, cup of coffee? (Gunther hands her change) Or, reimburse you for that one?
IsabellaAren't you with that girl over there? (points at Rachel, who waves back)
RossWell, yeah, kinda. Um, but that's ok, see we have an understanding, um, see we each have this list of-of five famous people, and you are one of mine (Gets his out) so I'm allowed to sleep with you. No, no, no, it's flattering.
Isabella(Laughs) I don't know. (Starts to leave)
RossOh no, no, no, wait, wait, Isabella. Don't, don't just dismiss this so fast. I mean this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...
IsabellaYeah, for you. Is that the list?
IsabellaCan I see it?
IsabellaCome on! (Grabs the list)
Isabella(Reading it) I'm not in the list!
RossUm, see, but that's not the final draft.
RossYeah, um, ok, see, you were, you were on my list but my friend, Chandler (Chandler waves) brought up the very good point that you are international, so I bumped you for Winona Ryder, local.
IsabellaYou know it's ironic...
Isabella...because I have a list of five goofy coffee house guys and yesterday I just bumped you for that guy over there. (Points at a guy and leaves)
Ross(to the rest of the gang) We're just gonna be friends.
Chandler and Joey's, they are admiring the entertainment center.
JoeyYou know what?
JoeyBet ya I could fit in there. (points to a hole in the center)
ChandlerI get five bucks says you can't.
JoeyGet out your checkbook, mister.
ChandlerOh, I think I have cash.
(Joey successfully enters the entertainment center, and Chandler closes the door on Joey.)
JoeyYou are dog, man! I totally fit!
ChandlerYeah, you got me. (picks up a 2x4 and puts it through the handles so that the doors won't open) I'm out five big ones! (Puts the money in the crack between the door and frame) Here you go.
JoeyThank you. Cha-ching! (Chandler starts to leave) Oh, well hello Mr. Lincoln. Better luck next time buddy. (Chandler leaves and closes the door) And the drinks are on me!
Written by Scott Silveri & Shana Goldnerg-Meehan; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp