Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves. RossSo I told Carl, 'Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.' But of course this went right in one ear and out.....
RachelI love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he's Alan Alda.
MonicaOh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
ChandlerIf I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best. 
GuntherWhat does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
(Joey is singing in his head.)
PhoebeWho's singing? Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, they're watching Happy Days. RossHey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
MonicaI was always Joanie.
JoeyQuestion. Was ah, 'Egg the Gellers!' the war cry of your neighborhood?
(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice's ex-husband, comes on TV.)
PhoebeEwww! Oh! It's the Mattress King!
JoeyBooo!!
Chandler(to Janice) Don't look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
JaniceWait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
Mattress King(on TV) 'Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. I'm so depressed I'm going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! I'm going medieval on prices!
ChandlerWhat a wank!
JaniceOh, I cannot believe he's using our divorce to sell mattresses.
MonicaI know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (They all stare at her) And I'm appalled for you by the way.
Mattress King(on TV) I'm close. I'm cheap. I'm the king.
ChandlerHe stuffs that codpiece right?
JaniceOh yeah! (mouths "no" to the others. Monica's shocked as Joey laughs.) Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey. Monica(Getting some coffee for Chandler) Ok, here you go.
ChandlerOh, you know what? I asked for a no cinnamon on top.
MonicaOh. (scoops it out with her hand like Ross does in the future episode The Hypnosis Tape)
RachelOk. (Listens) All right, daddy we'll see you tomorrow night. (Listens) Ok bye. (Hangs up)
RossWe?
RachelAre ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that's ok.
RossOh shoot, tomorrow's not so good, I'm supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. So.
RachelRoss, my father doesn't hate you.
RossPlease, he refers to me as 'wet head'.
RachelBut honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Ok, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, one night for me, pleeease. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, if you do come to dinner, I'll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
Chandler(Leaning in) I'll go.
RossFine.
RachelThank you.
RossHi Gunther.
GuntherYeah, we'll see!
Joey(Entering) Hey, you guys!
PhoebeHey!
JoeyGuess what?
RossWhat?
JoeyI got a gig!
AllYay!!
ChandlerSee, that's why I can never be an actor. Because I can't say gig.
PhoebeYeah, I can't say croissant. (Realizes) Oh my God!
MonicaWhat's the part?
JoeyWell, it's not a part, no. I'm teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
RossCome on! That's great.
AllWow!
JoeyYeah, yeah. It's like, it's like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
RossYou know you probably not are allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey(Glares at him) I know! Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress. PhoebeUgh! I don't know, Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janice's ex-husband, that's like betraying Chandler.
MonicaNot at these prices.
Phoebe(Sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. You know, in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (The kid just stares at her, and she makes the 'that went right over your head' motion) Woosh!
Monica(Lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
PhoebeEh, Monica, it's still, it feels so weird, you know? Chandler's your friend... (Hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right, take this bed, you can make other friends. Aw. Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before he's done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name. JoeyGood evening. I am Mr. Tribbiani. (Points to the blackboard) And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Unfortunately, tonight will be my only class because due to a rare blood disease I only have two weeks to live.
Female StudentSo, do we get our deposit back?
JoeyThat was supposed to be an example of acting for soap operas.
Male StudentThen why are you only teaching tonight?
JoeyI'm not! Look, why don't we get straight to the lesson! Ok, all right? Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (Looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) Uh, I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you don't have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes something like this. (Looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, thanks a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget, to work in soap operas some of you're gonna have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along. Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delivery guy. JoeyHi!
PhoebeHey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
JoeyOh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, 'Hey, the bell doesn't dismiss you, I, dismiss you.'
PhoebeOoooh, nice.
JoeyYeah. Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.
PhoebeOh, yay!
JoeyYeah, it's this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I'm so, so right for it, you know, he's just like me. Except, that he's a boxer, and-and has an evil twin.
(There is a knock on the door.)
PhoebeOh. (Goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delivery guy.)
GuyDom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller?
PhoebeOk.
GuySign here. (Hands her a clipboard)
PhoebeOh, do I have a middle name? All right Monica Velula Geller. Hey, it's that bedroom there. (Points to Monica's room) (to Joey) Ha!
JoeyHey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
PhoebeYeah, uh! So please, please, please, don't say anything to Chandler.
JoeyYou want me to lie to Chandler?
PhoebeIs that a problem?
JoeyNo.
PhoebeOh, hey, hey Nick the boxer, let's see what you got.
JoeyYeah.
PhoebeAll right yeah, put 'em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
JoeyHey, you're ah, pretty good at this.
PhoebeYeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some of the young men weren't acting Christian enough.
JoeyAhh.
(Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.)
JoeyHey now!
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey's nose, causing it to bleed.)
JoeyHey!!! Oww!! And I'm bleeding.
PhoebeOh! Oh!
JoeyOk, great.
PhoebeWow! And I'm a vegetarian!
JoeyYeah.
PhoebeAll right, all right, well I'm sorry, we'll put some ice on it.
JoeyOk.
PhoebeOk, put your head back.
JoeyAll right. I can't see.
PhoebeAll right, I have ya. Oh God.
GuyWhich bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
PhoebeOh, it's um, it's the compulsively neat one by the window, ok?
GuyGotcha. (He and his helper walk in carrying the race car bed.) Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner. RachelHi Daddy!
Dr. GreenThis is where they put it? What, there's no table available in the kitchen?! Hello, baby.
RachelYou remember Ross.
Dr. GreenUm-hmm.
RossNice to see you again Dr. Green.
Dr. GreenSo! (They both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) How's the library?
RossUgh, museum.
Dr. GreenWhat happened to the library?
RossThere never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.
Dr. GreenYou know what's really good here, the lobster. What do you say, shall I just order three?
RossYeah, if you're really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It's a joke, I made a joke.
RachelYeah, actually Daddy, Ross is allergic to lobster.
Dr. GreenWhat kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library. (Laughs)
RossIt's not a library...
Dr. Green(interrupting him) I know!! It's a museum! What, you're the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (Nods at Ross, and mouths "I don't know" to the waiter.) After dinner. RossSo, Dr. Green, how's the old boat?
Dr. GreenThey found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?
RossGives it a nice antiquey look?
Dr. Green(He stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
RossWow. I'm sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that)
Dr. GreenExcuse me for a moment, will you please, I wanna say good night to the Levines, before we go.
RachelOk.
RossOk! (Picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
RachelAw honey, stop! It's not that bad.
RossYeah. (Sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must've added wrong. He only tipped like four percent.
RachelYeah. That's Daddy.
RossThat's Daddy?! What, doesn't it bother you? You're a waitress.
RachelYes, it bothers me Ross, but you know, if he was a regular at the coffee house, I'd be serving him sneezers.
RossSo?
RachelSo. Ross, I've bugged him about this a million times, he's not gonna change.
RossDo you really serve people sneezers?
RachelWell um, I don't.
Dr GreenAll right kids, ready?
RossThanks again, Dr. Green.
Dr. GreenUh.
(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isn't looking.)
Dr. GreenOh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
RossOh-em, you don't need that.
Dr. GreenWhy not?
RossThe carbon, it's messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.
Dr. Green(Gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?
RossOh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, it's a sickness really.
RachelYeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something about that.
RossI know.
Dr. GreenExcuse me, you think I'm cheap?
RachelOh Daddy, no he didn't mean anything by that, he really didn't.
RossNothing I do means anything, really.
Dr. GreenThis is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really wanna be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I'll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right? (rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)
RossWell Mr. Big Shot is better than wet head. Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions. JoeyOk, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done, something evil. Now, that would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Ok, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is trying divide 232 by 13. (Looks all confused) And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
StudentHey, Mr. Trib.
JoeyHey.
StudentGuess what, I got an audition!
JoeyAwww, one of my students got an audition. I'm so proud.
StudentI was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
JoeyOh you bet! What's the part?
StudentOh it's great, it's a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
(Joey does the '232 divided by 13 bad news' look.) Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner. RachelYou had to do it, didn't you? You couldn't just leave it alone.
RossFour percent. Ok. I tip more than that when there's a bug in my food.
RachelRoss, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor already.
RossYeah, I'm gonna go to a doctor who went to a medical school in a mini-mall.
(They go into Monica and Rachel's, and see Phoebe hopping around.)
RossHey Pheebs, what're you doing?
PhoebeI'm, I'm freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldn't have! All right, I haven't lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn the lights on in her bedroom?
RachelUm, yeah.
PhoebeI am soo dead. (Goes to Monica's room)
RachelAll right, look, here's the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, ok. So, I'll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
RossLook, hon-honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn't work.
RachelOk, look, Ross, I realize that my father is difficult, but that's why you have got to be the bigger man here.
RossLook sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn't make any difference, except that I could pick your father up and say 'Like me! Like me, tiny doctor!'
RachelOk, well can't you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me?
RossRachel, one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You've gotta face it, ok we're never gonna get along.
RachelOk, well you are just going to have too, ok? Because I already got a mother and a father who cannot stay in the same room together, ok? I don't wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! (Starts to cry)
RossOk, ok, ok. (Hugs her) I'll get the bagels. Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica. Monica(Sees the bed) What's this?
PhoebeIsn't it cool? Varoom! Varoom!
MonicaThis is not the bed I ordered!
PhoebeI know, you must've won like a contest or something!
(Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating)
MonicaPhoebe!
(Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.)
MonicaWhy is this car in my bedroom?
PhoebeI'm sorry, ok? I-I wasn't looking, and the store says that they won't take it back because you signed for it.
MonicaWhen did I sign for it?
PhoebeWhen I was you! You know what, it's all Joey's fault, 'cause he left his nose open!
MonicaDid you make brownies today?
ChandlerKnock, knock.
Monica(to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won't notice the bed.
ChandlerHey, I'm going for sushi does anybody want.. (Enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off-ramp.
PhoebeIt's Monica's bed. What?
ChandlerOk. (to Monica) It's a race car.
PhoebeSo. This's always been Monica's bed, what you're just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
ChandlerOk, well if this bed isn't new, then how come there is plastic on the mattress?
MonicaSometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.) Classroom, Joey is coaching his student. StudentLook, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, that's not gonna be me, not me.
JoeyWow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers?
StudentNo.
JoeyWhoa. That was really good.
StudentThanks, any suggestions?
(Joey gets the evil look on his face.)
Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey. ChandlerYou told him to play the boxer gay?!
JoeyWell, I-I might've said super gay.
MonicaJoey, the last time an actor did something this bad, a president died. (Joey is confused)
ChandlerLincoln, Booth.
JoeySomething happened at the tunnel? (Chandler gets a really frustrated look.)
MonicaJoey, you're this guy's teacher. I mean how could you do this?
JoeyBecause, Monica, the guy's so good, and I really, really want this part.
PhoebeWell, if you really, really want it, then it's ok. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch. Rachel(Opening the door) Hi Daddy.
Dr. GreenBaby. Ross.
RossDr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.)
Dr. GreenThanks for dinner last night.
RossThank you, for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Dr. GreenNice hair. What'd you do? Swim here?
Ross(to Rachel) Ok, that's it, I can't take it anymore.
RachelWhat? What? He's interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.
RossOh, please. Sweetie it's hopeless, ok, I'm just gonna go. (Starts to leave rubbing his neck)
RachelWhat?!
RossLook, look I'm sorry. It's just that....
Dr. GreenRoss? What's with the neck?
RachelHe's got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...
Dr. GreenYou're still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn't get into medical school in Ixtapa!
RossThank you! That's what I keep saying.
RachelExcuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
RossUh.
Dr. GreenWait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
RachelWell that's his last name.
RossAnd his first name.
Dr. GreenHe's Bobby Bobby?
RachelIt's Robert Bobby.
Dr. GreenOh.
RachelAnd um, excuse me, he helps me.
RossOh-ho please. Ask her how?
Dr. GreenWhat'd you need help for?
RachelWith my alignment. I've got one leg shorter than the other.
Dr. GreenOh, my God!
RossArgue with that.
RachelWhat? It's true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Dr. GreenCome on! You're just tilting! (to Ross) Her legs are fine!
RossI know that!
Dr. GreenSo, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
RachelI'm sorry, let her?
RossWhat can I do, she doesn't listen to me about-about renter's insurance either.
Dr. GreenWait a minute, you don't have renter's insurance?!
RachelNo.
Dr. GreenWell what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!
(Both he and Ross start laughing)
RossHey, would you ah, would you like some juice?
Dr. GreenI'd love some juice. Thanks.
RossOk. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see?
RachelYeah honey, I'm standing right there! Why didn't you just tell him about the mole I haven't got checked yet.
RossExcellent! Classroom, Joey is talking to his students. Joey(Sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that, I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. Now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me, I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (He gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you. Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her bed. JesterUh, may I help you? {A jester is a man employed in the past by a ruler to entertain people with jokes, stories etc ↗joker}
MonicaYes hi. I talked to you on the phone, I'm the lady you got stuck with the race car bed.
JesterLook, it's like I told you, there's nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
JoeyAll right, Jester man, look, we wanna see the king.
JesterNobody sees the king!
JoeyOh-ho-kay, I'm talking to the king. (Starts to go to a back room)
JesterHey! You can't go back there!
(Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the window at Janice and the Mattress King, her ex-husband, kissing.)
JaniceOh my God.
(Joey mouths a scream.) Monica's bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed. ChandlerVarrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (Makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stamp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good looking! ('honks the bed's little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, I'll leave. My bed's so boring.

Written by Seth Kurland; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp