Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.
RachelHere you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?
ChandlerI will have one. (Ross and him both take one.)
(Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.)
ChandlerYeah, I'm not gonna have one.
RossNeither will I. (They both put back the brownies.)
PhoebeNo, no, it's just my tooth.
ChandlerAll right I'll have one. (He and Ross take another brownie,)
RossSo what's a matter, you need a dentist? I've got a good one.
PhoebeUm, thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can't see him.
ChandlerSee, that is the problem with invisible dentists. You know, it's very unsettling to see all those metal tools just you know.....flying around.
RossWhy? Why can't you go to him?
PhoebeBecause, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.
ChandlerThat is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse.
RachelPhoebe, what? Umm...what?!
PhoebeYeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 'Albino Bob'.
RachelAnd all these people actually died?
PhoebeYes, while I was in the chair! That's why I take such good care of my teeth now, you know, it's not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!
RossPheebs, come on, you didn't kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It's, it's, it's just ah, a coincidence.
PhoebeWell tell that to them. Oh! You can't, they're dead.
Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.
RossThanks, Gunther. (Takes the plate Gunther serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a napkin too?
GuntherOh, like you don't already have everything.
Phoebe(Trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust.)
RachelPhoebe, you're in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go.
PhoebeAll right, fine, fine, but if you're my next victim, don't come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.
PhoebeAlthough, don't feel like you can't visit.
Joey(Entering with Monica) Hey, you guy, is-is Chandler here?
Ross(Patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he's not.
MonicaYou guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.
RossWhat? (to Joey) So what're you gonna do? I mean how, how're you gonna tell Chandler?
JoeyWell, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.
RachelJoey, you can't keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.
JoeyIt'll kill him. I mean it'll, it'll just kill him.
PhoebeWell, you could wait till I go to the dentist, maybe I'll kill him.
Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.
Joey(Looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It's like a Play-Doh Fat Factory.
PhoebeWell, I'm going to the dentist, so listen, ok, just be on the look-out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Ok, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um... (Starts to cry and runs out)
RossOk, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapiens display.
JoeyWhat did they do?
RossWell, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let's just leave it at that.
MonicaSo, do you want me to watch Ben for you?
RossYes, that's what I was gonna ask, thank you.
RachelWhoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?
RossYou? You! Want to watch Ben? (In the background Monica mouths 'Don't worry, I'll be here the whole time.' to Ross.) Yes! That'd be great, no, I just asked Monica because I know how, empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths 'Yeah!' and holds up her thumb.)
JoeyI got a science question.
JoeyIf the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 'Homo-sapiens', is that why there extinct?
RossJoey, Homo Sapiens are people.
JoeyHey-hey, I'm not judging.
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.
Rachel(Holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (Moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, you know what, I think he's bored.
MonicaHere. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (Takes Ben) We're gonna do something fun. Ok. (Throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (Moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (Starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Ben's head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.)
[Cut to later]
Monica(to Ben) Who's so brave, you're so brave, yes you are, you're so brave.
RachelOk. Ok honey, he's fine, he's fine, let's just put him down. Come here, Ben. (Sets him on the couch) See that's a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he gonna say?!
MonicaHe's not gonna say anything, because we're not gonna tell him.
MonicaNo we're not.
RachelAll right, I like that.
RachelSo we're ok, we're ok, we're ok, (Starts to exam Ben) aren't we? No, we're not ok, we're not ok, there's a bump, there's a bump.
MonicaOh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!
RachelI cannot push it in!
MonicaOk, we're gonna need a distraction.
MonicaI got it!
MonicaThe second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and you do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high-pitched) rweee!!
RachelOr. We could put a hat on his head.
MonicaA hat! Yes! We need a hat.
RachelWe need a hat..
MonicaWhere are we gonna find a tiny little hat?
RachelOh, oh, oh, I'll get 'Rainy Day Bear'!! (runs to get him)
MonicaBecause he'll know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her room with a bear that's dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, you're a genius!
RachelOh God, it's kinda sewed on though.
MonicaGive it. Give it.
(Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his head.)
Monica and RachelOh!!
RachelOh, it's just like a bloodbath in here today.
The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a jewelry store.
ChandlerHey! Hold on a sec, hold on a sec. You think these pearls are nice?
JoeyI'd really prefer a mountain bike.
ChandlerJanice's birthday is coming up, I wanna get her something special. Come in here with me.
JoeyWhoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. You ah, you wanna get her something special, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.
ChandlerThat's a good idea, 'Dear Janice, have a Hubba Bubba birthday'. I would like to get her something serious.
JoeyOh, you want something serious. You know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious, you know? And you know she'll never get one for herself.
ChandlerAll right. Look, I'm gonna go in here, and you don't buy me anything ever. (Starts to go into the store)
Joey(Stopping him) No, no, you can't, you can't, ok, you can't, you can't buy her pearls, you just can't, you can't, you can't, you can't.
JoeyOh God. Uh, ok, here's the thing, this is the thing, ok, the thing is...
ChandlerWhat is the thing?
JoeyOk. I went down to the Mattress King showroom and, and I saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.
JoeyThey were in his office.
ChandlerWell she, she wouldn't do that, she's, she's with me.
JoeyI'm telling you man, I saw it.
ChandlerYeah, well, you're wrong! Ok, you're wrong.
JoeyI'm not wrong! I wish I was. I'm sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn't sound so bad now, huh?
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are dressing up Ben in the entire rain suit from Rainy Day Bear.
MonicaIt just makes more sense as an ensemble.
MonicaBesides, it takes the focus off the hat.
Phoebe(Running through the door) No! Oh! You're alive! You're alive!
RachelSee Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn't I?
PhoebeYeah, well, we'll see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know.
MonicaSure, we have no money, go ahead.
Phoebe(on phone) 'Hey! You're not dead! Ok, see ya!'
MonicaOh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that?
RachelOk, I heard that.
MonicaDid he just say 'Monica bang'?
MonicaOh my God! He's gonna rat me out!
MonicaOh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that now. It's no big deal, it's not even worth mentioning, you see, we all do it all the time. See, watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (Goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica bang! (Does it again) Everybody bang. (Repeats) Ben bang. (Repeats) Rachel bang. (Repeats) Bang, Rachel, bang! Oh, isn't that fun?
Rachel(Goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (Repeats) Look at that! (Repeats) We all do it. (Repeats) Ok, I'm stopping now.
RachelOh yeah! You know, if it's not a headboard, it's just not worth it.
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive, and is angrily flipping through a magazine.
Janice(Entering) How's my Bing-a-ling?
ChandlerAh, I don't know, you-you tell me. Anything you ah, you wanna tell me? because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.
JaniceWhy are your eyes so wide?
ChandlerYou tell me! Maybe, it's because I was just fooling around with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!
JaniceOh my God!!
JaniceHow did you know?
ChandlerJoey told me, he saw you two kissing.
JaniceIn the park?
ChandlerNo! In his office! How many kisses were there?
JaniceJust those two!
ChandlerWh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!!
JaniceOh, I'm sorry honey, I'm so, so, (nasally) haaaaa! I'm so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can't breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something?
Chandler(Giving her a bag) Here. Here.
(Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the receipt, and then spits it out.)
JaniceIt's the receipt.
ChandlerI'll take it! All right look, I've gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice nods her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice nods her head yes) All right look, (Grabs the bag) I'm gonna need an actual answer here ok? So which is it, him or me? (His phone starts to ring)
JaniceI don't know.
Phoebe(Rushing in) Ok. If you're alive you answer your phone!
Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there.
MonicaOk, Ben, I won't tell your daddy that you had ice cream before dinner, if you won't tell him about our little bonking incident.
RachelMonica, number one, I don't think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... (Joey starts laughing in the background) (to Joey) What?!
JoeyYou said number two.
RachelI also said number one.
JoeyI know. (giggles harder)
Ross(Entering) Hey! Everyone.
RossHow's my little boy?
RachelHe's perfect, he's never been better.
Ross(Noticing the outfit he is wearing) What'd you do, take him whaling?
RossOh my God, he just said your name, that's great! Good job Ben.
MonicaOh, that's right, that's what I'd sound like (if) I exploded.
PhoebeWoo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive.
JoeyUgly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs to the window and gasps.)
[Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.]
PhoebeOh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.
RachelWell maybe he's just taking a nap.
JoeyI'm telling you, he hasn't moved since this morning.
MonicaAll right, we should call somebody.
RossAnd tell them what? That the naked guy we stare at all the time isn't moving?
RachelWell, we have gotta find out if he's alive.
MonicaYeah, how are we gonna do that? There's no way.
JoeyWell, there is one way. His window's open, I say, we poke him.
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey enters.
JoeyHey! You know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason when we get Chinese food?
JoeyWell, now we got a reason.
JoeyWell, we're fashioning a very long poking device.
JoeyHey uh, what's the matter?
ChandlerI talked to Janice.
JoeyOh my God, is she going back to him?
ChandlerShe doesn't know. Says she loves us both. You know I woke up this morning and I was in love, you know I was happy. You know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the receipt!
JoeyWhat are you ah, what're you gonna do?
ChandlerAw! I don't know, you know? What, what would you do?
JoeyWell, it doesn't matter what I'd do.
ChandlerCome on, come on, tell me.
JoeyAll right, you're... probably not gonna wanna hear this, but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out.
ChandlerWhat? (Turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What're you, what're you talking about?
JoeyThey have a kid together, you know? They're like, they're like a family, and if, I don't know, if there's chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn't wanna be the guy who stood in the way of that. You ok? You uh, you wanna come poke a nude guy?
Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachel's room.
RossWell, he's finally asleep. About that ah, bump on his head?
RachelAre you, are you, are you sure it's ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, But I've always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.
RossIt's ok if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, you know, it was your first time babysitting, I'm sure you did the best you could. (Kisses her on the forehead)
Rachel(Confidently) I did!
RossI know! You see, you have to watch them all the time.
RachelI did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!
RossMonica did it?
(Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.)
RossUmm, did you notice anything weird about-about Ben today?
RossWell, I was just playing with him, and.. you know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he's leaving out 'e' and 'f.' It's like they just ah, I don't know, fell out of his head.
RossOh, and, also, he's, he's walking kind of funny, I mean, it's like his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, yeah he's in there just sort of you know... (Walks around in a circle)
MonicaOh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (Runs into the bedroom)
RachelI hope it's still funny when you're in hell.
Monica(Coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how much I love that kid! I would really (Starts to chase Ross around the living room)
RossMonica bang! Monica bang! (Runs into one of the posts) Ow!
RachelI'll get the hat.
Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are there.
ChandlerJanice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it's, it's, it's not gonna be easy.
ChandlerI think you should go back with Gary. I don't wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, you know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I would always think you know 'You're the reason, you are the reason why they're not together.' and I-I hated that guy. And it didn't matter how nice he was, or you know, how happy he made my Dad.
ChandlerYeah, well. It's the right thing to do.
JaniceOh! You're right. Oh God. But, before I can say goodbye, there's something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it's like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie's been singing about. You know, I mean what we have, it's like movie love, you're my soul mate, and I can't believe we're not gonna be spending the rest of our lives together.
ChandlerThen don't leave me!
ChandlerForget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!
JaniceNo, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I gotta give my marriage another chance.
ChandlerNo you don't! No, no, no, I say, you have to give your divorce another chance.
JaniceSweetie, you should not have to settle for just half my heart.
ChandlerI'll settle for half your heart! I'll settle for a quarter of your heart! I will settle for a little....a tiny...a ventricle.
Janice(Standing up) I'm sorry. (hugs him)
ChandlerOhhh. Don't go.
JaniceNo, I-I-I gotta go. (She starts to walk away, but Chandler doesn't let her go.)
ChandlerNo. No! No! No!
JaniceHoney, honey, huh-huh, people are looking.
ChandlerI don't care! (Turns around and to the people watching them) I don't care!!
JaniceYeah, um, ok, I'm, I'm leaving now. (Tries to get her leg out of Chandler's grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.)
ChandlerYou can't leave! I have your shoe!
JaniceGoodbye Chandler Bing. (Walks out with one shoe)
GuntherRachel has those in Burgundy.
Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are holding the giant poking device.
JoeyAll right now remember, something this big and long is gonna be very difficult to maneuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.
RachelWhat are you, 12 today?
RossCan we please focus here, a naked man's life hangs in the balance!
PhoebeI'm telling you he's dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.
JoeyAll right, ladies and gentlemen, let's poke. (They start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Ok, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Ok, ok, we're approaching the window (As he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle.
(They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.)
PhoebeHe's alive! He's alive!!!
MonicaAnd yet, we're still poking him.
JoeyOk, retract the device, retract the device.
RossHe does not look happy.
RachelHey-hey, now he's showing us his poking device.
JoeyHey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie album
Chandler(Singing) I'll hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I can't resist your charms. And love....
Phoebe(Joining him) Love....
Chandler and PhoebeI'll be a fool for you. I'm sure, you know I don't mind.
Chandler(high-pitched) No you know I don't mind.
Chandler and PhoebeYes! You mean the world to me. Oh...
Chandler and Phoebe...in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high-pitched, Chandler goes low-pitched) love. (They both look at each other.) My endless love. (Once again they don't match tones, and they just look at each other and try again a few more times)
Written by Adam Chase; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp