Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there, the guys are watching football, the girls are cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
The Guys(Reacting to a play) Aww! Come on!
PhoebeHey, it's your Thanksgiving too, you know, instead of watching football, you could help.
The GuysWe know. (They don't move)
MonicaUh, now Rachel, you wanna put the marshmallows in concentric circles.
RachelNo Mon, you wanna put them in concentric circles. I want to do this.
(Rachel sticks a marshmellow into Monica's nose. Monica takes it out of her nose by closing one nostril, and blowing.)
Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.
PhoebeYou know, for once, I am gonna sit down and try to watch one of these things. (Just as she sits down).
JoeyHey, who wants to ah, throw the ball around a little, maybe a little three on three going?
RachelOh! That would be sooo much fun!
PhoebeOh, can I play too? I've never played football, like ever.
JoeyGreat, you can cover Chandler.
ChandlerNo, no, no, I don't, I don't really wanna play.
JoeyCome on man! You never wanna do anything since you and Janice broke up.
ChandlerThat's not true! I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters just all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!
JoeyChandler, you have to start getting over her. All right, if you play, you get some fresh air, maybe it'll take your mind off Janice, and if you don't play, everyone will be mad at you 'cause the teams won't be even. Come on.
ChandlerYeah, all right, I'll play. But I don't like....you.
RachelLet's do it! Ross?
RachelWanna play football?
RossUm, Monica and I aren't supposed to play football.
JoeySays who? Your mom?
Rachel"What do you mean," she asks her boyfriend, really scared to hear the answer.
MonicaWell, every-every Thanksgiving um, we used to have a touch football game called the 'Geller Bowl.'
ChandlerNo, no, no, you say that proudly.
MonicaAnyway, Ross and I were always captains, and um, it got kind of competitive and one year, Geller Bowl Six, I accidentally broke Ross's nose.
RossIt was soo not an accident. She saw I was about to tag her, so she threw her big-fat-grandma-arm elbow on my face... just keep running.
MonicaYeah, to score the winning touchdown, by the way.
RossWhoa, whoa, whoa, ho, ho, ho, you did not win the game, the touchdown didn't count, because of the spectacularly illegal, oh and by the way savage nose breaking.
Monica(to Chandler and Joey) I won the game.
RossOh yeah! Then how come you didn't get the Geller Cup?
RachelUm, there was a Geller Cup?
RossYes, it was the trophy you got if you won the game. But our Dad said, 'nobody won that game,' and he was sick of our fighting, so he took the trophy and... (Pauses to collect himself, as he is on the verge of tears saying this) threw it in the lake.
ChandlerAnd was the curse lifted?
RossAnyway. That's when our Mom said we were not to play football again.
MonicaYou know what, I think we should play a game. I mean come on, it's been twelve years.
RossCan I see you for a second?
(They walk over to the sink and discuss it for a moment)
RossAll right, we're gonna play.
ChandlerBut wait a minute though, how are we gonna get there, because my Mom won't let me cross the street.
The Park, the gang is warming up for their football game.
JoeyPheebs, here you go. (Throws her the ball)
MonicaOk. Let's bring it in.
RachelWait, no, honey, honey, throw it to me, throw it to me.
RossHere you go. (Throws her the ball)
Rachel(Knocking it down instead of catching it) That almost hit me in the face.
JoeyAll right, we have to pick captains.
ChandlerAnd then Tennilles.
PhoebeOk, so how do we decide that?
MonicaWell, why don't we just bunny up.
Rachel, Chandler, and JoeyWhat?
Monica and Ross(Holding both of their hands above their heads making rabbit ears with their fingers.) Bunny!
MonicaOk, looks like Ross and I are captains.
JoeyThere must be a special place in heaven for people who hung out with you two in high school.
MonicaOk, so, I bunnied first which means I get to pick first. Joey.
RachelMonica, I'm your best friend.
RossSweetie, don't worry you'll get picked. Chandler.
(Phoebe kisses Rachel on the cheek, then joins her team.)
RossSweetie, now I pick you.
RachelYou don't pick me! You're stuck with me!
RossOk. All right. So let's see, let's play from the trash can, to the light post. Right. Two hand touch, we'll kick off.
MonicaAll right people listen, I've got exactly twenty-eight minutes before I have to baste again.
ChandlerWow! Just like in the pros.
Joey(to his team) All right, huddle up, right over here.
PhoebeWait for me! Wait for me! Wait for me! Oh cool, this is my first huddle.
PhoebeOk, so what do you guys really think of Chandler?
MonicaPhoebe, you know what you're doing right?
MonicaOk, all right, Joey's gonna catch it, and you and I are gonna block.
MonicaPhoebe, I thought you said you know what you're doing?
PhoebeI thought you meant in life.
(Chandler is getting ready to kick off, Ross is holding the ball between his foot and finger.)
ChandlerThe ball is Janice. The ball is Janice. (Goes to kick the ball but kicks Ross's foot instead.)
RossOww!! Son of a...!! Ow! Come on!
ChandlerSorry. I'm sorry. You know what, we're just gonna throw it.
(Chandler throws the ball to kick off.)
JoeyI got it. (Catches the ball)
PhoebeGo! Go! Go!
(Joey runs up field and fakes out Ross and scores a touchdown. His team all celebrates the touchdown.)
MonicaScore!! 7 to nothing!
Rachel(Coming over to Ross, who is just getting up) Ok honey, just so that I'm clear on this: Now you said in the huddle that if Joey caught the ball you were gonna be the one to stop him. Now you didn't, so is that like a, like a football strategy?
RossYeah, it was part of my plan to fall instantly behind. So, come on, let's go.
RossYeah, losers talk!
ChandlerNo, no, no, actually losers rhyme.
[Cut to later, Ross's team has the ball.]
Chandler(Coming up under center, just like a real quarterback does, and puts his hands between Ross' legs.) Twenty-three!! Seventy-four!! (Ross stands up and looks at him) You wanna go shotgun?
Chandler(From the shotgun) Hike!
Monica and JoeyOne-Mississippi. Two-Mississippi. Three-Mississippi.
(Rachel runs a quick slant.)
RachelOver here, over here, over here!
(Chandler throws her the ball, which she drops.)
Rachel(Proud of her self) Ha! I almost caught that one!
ChandlerGreat! Now, the score is 7 to almost 7.
RossOk, (to Chandler) this play, I want you to do a down and out to the right. Ok. Break!
RachelWait, what am I gonna do?
RossYou, you go long.
RachelWait, how long?
RossUntil we start to look very small.
[Cut to later, Monica's team has the ball.]
RossOne-Mississippi, two-Mississippi, switch! Switch! Switch!!
ChandlerNo, no, no, no, no!
(Monica throws the ball over Joey's head, it's stopped from rolling away by a very beautiful woman.)
JoeyHaaaaa! Hey, thanks for stopping our ball.
Woman(in a foreign accent) You are playing American football?
JoeyYeah! Wow, you're like from a whole other country.
JoeyHi-hi, I'm Joey.
JoeyI'm sorry Dutch, I didn't get that last little bit.
Chandler(Running up) Hey Joey, you wanna play football or you wanna.. (sees Margha) Hi, I'm Chandler.
JoeyHer name is Dutch, and also Marklan.
PhoebeYo, flirty boys! We're in the middle of the game.
[Cut to Ross and Monica.]
MonicaCome on guys! Let's go! Come on, it's second down.
RossUh, hello, it's third down.
MonicaNo it's not, it's second.
RossUh, (it) just amazes me that you're still pulling stuff like this.
MonicaPulling what? It's second down.
RossOk, it's second down. (Turns away) Take all the second downs you need.
MonicaI heard that!
RossWell, I said it loud.
[Cut to Chandler, Joey, and Margha.]
MarghaIt is ok, if I stay and watch? I can't go home just yet. My roomate is, um..Verschlucken, a big American business man.
Chandler and JoeyYeah! Why don't you stick around. You can sit right there.
(She goes and sits down)
ChandlerWell, that went well.
JoeyI think so.
ChandlerYou know, I was thinking about ah, asking her for her number.
JoeyThanks man, but I think it makes a stronger statement if I ask for it myself, you know.
ChandlerWhoa-ho, whoa! No, I was thinking about you know for me, as a part of that whole getting over Janice thing you were talking about.
JoeyOh, yeah, that. All right, means that much to ya, I'll let you have her.
ChandlerThanks. What, let me have her?! What'd you mean? Like if you didn't I wouldn't have a shot?
JoeyWell I don't like to say it out loud, but, yeah! Don't feel bad man, we all have our strengths. You're better with numbers and stuff.
ChandlerMath!! You're giving me math? All right, look, you know what, forget about it, you go for the girl, we'll see who gets her.
[Cut to later, in Ross' huddle.]
RossChandler, I want you to run a post pattern to the left, ok. And sweetie..
RachelYeah, I know, go long. You know, it's like all I'm doing is running back and forth from the huddle.
RossWell ah, you wanna just, stay out there?
RachelCan I see that for second?
(Rachel takes the ball from his hands and bounces it off of Ross' forehead and Chandler catches the rebound.)
RossOk. Hut! Hike!
(Chandler runs around behind Ross, who pitches him the ball. Chandler runs upfield, and Joey knocks the ball out of his hands.)
(Joey starts to return the fumble and Chandler grabs Joey's shirt and rips it off of his back.)
JoeyWhat the hell's the matter with you?! This is my favourite jersey.
ChandlerWell now you have two. Hey, I am good at math.
JoeyAll right, that's it. You know I was still gonna let you have her. But now, forget about it. Prepare to feel very bad about yourself.
ChandlerHey! Well, I've been preparing for that my entire life! Or something about you that's mean!
MonicaAll right, come on guys, let's go! Tie score, we're running out of time. Forty-two!! Thirty-eight!! Hike! (The timer sounds as Monica throws the ball to Phoebe.)
PhoebeOh I got it!! (Catches the ball) Oh! Ew! Broken boobs! Ow!
MonicaRun, Phoebe, run!
(Phoebe runs and scores a touchdown.)
RossNo, no, no. Uh, hello, the buzzer buzzed. It doesn't count.
MonicaAfter the snap!
RossBefore the snap!
RachelNow, does it really matter?
PhoebeWell, ok, I made a touchdown. It was my first touchdown. So?
RossOh, Pheebs, that's great. It doesn't count.
MonicaDoes so count!
RossCheater, cheater, compulsive eater.
PhoebeOh my God!
MonicaYou know what, that's fine, maybe you haven't grown up, but I have.
RossOh, oh, ok.
MonicaDead leg!! (Kicks him in the thigh.)
RossOw! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ok, ok, fine, fine! All right, you wanna win by cheating, go ahead, all right. Phoebe the touchdown does count, you win.
MonicaNo! Listen, I'm not gonna go through this with you again, ok. Just once I wanna beat you when you can't blame it on the broken nose, or the buzzer, or the fact that you thought you might be getting mono, all right? Let's just call this, tie score, and it's halftime.
RossOk, first of all, I don't play with cheaters, and second of all, you know I had swollen glands!!
MonicaYou know what? I'll think you'll play.
RossOh really? Why is that?
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's.]
MonicaBecause the winner gets this!
RossThe Geller Cup.
ChandlerIs everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two by four?
The park, the gang is returning to play the second half of the game.
RossOk, where the hell did you get that?!
MonicaWhen Mom and Dad drove you to the hospital to get your nose fixed, I swam into the lake and fished it out.
RossThat cup is mine!
MonicaNo it's not! You want it, you're gonna have to win it!
RachelAll right, so are we not having dinner at all?
PhoebeHey could you-could you please set the timer, Margha?
MarghaOk. Bee-Phee. (Does so)
(Phoebe mumbles something angrily as she walks away.)
MonicaCome on Phoebe, let's go! Come on, it's time to get serious, huddle up. Joey, keep your head in the game.
JoeyIt's hard, you know, his huddle is closer to Dutch girl.
MonicaAll right look, if I take Chandler out of the running will you be able to focus?
JoeyWhat're you gonna do?
MonicaAll right, you just make sure he catches the ball, I'll take care of the rest.
JoeyHere you go!
(Joey throws the ball to Chandler)
(Chandler catches the ball and starts to run upfield.)
Chandler(to Margha) Hi.
(Just as he gets in front of Margha, Monica comes up and tackles him)
MonicaWhoa! Whoa!! Tackled by a girl! Bet ya don't see that everyday, do ya?
RossWhoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's with the tackling?
MonicaWhat?! I just touched him and he went over.
RossOk, you wanna play rough, we can play rough.
(They both stare each other down as we hear 'Let's get ready to r-r-r-rum-ble!!!') (Michael Buffer (born November 2, 1944) is an American professional ring announcer for boxing and professional wrestling matches. He is known for his trademarked catchphrase, "Let's get ready to rumble)
(A long football sequence follows.)
[Sequence 1: Monica throws the ball over Chandler's head to Joey who catches it for a touchdown, and starts to dance in celebration. Chandler then tackles him, and he starts to dance in celebration.]
[Sequence 2: Monica runs upfield and stops, waiting for a pass. Ross runs over and pulls her pants down, steps in front of her and intercepts the pass.]
[Sequence 3: Chandler throws a pass to Ross, who catches it. Phoebe starts screaming and runs up to him and tries to tackle him. But all she ends up doing is running around his waist and screaming.]
[Sequence 4: Ross hikes the ball to Chandler, and the camera pans down to show Rachel standing deep in the end zone, playing with her gum. Something hits her on the head and she looks up to see where it came from.]
[Sequence 5: Monica hands the ball off to Phoebe, who runs up field and delivers a forearm shiver to Chandler, knocking him over and scores the touchdown, and she yells...]
PhoebeI love this game!!
[Cut to Ross who walks up to Rachel who is eating a baked pretzel.]
RossHey, where'd you get that?
RachelI went really long.
MonicaForty-two to twenty-one! Like the turkey, Ross is done!
RossIt's no surprise that you're winning 'cause you got to pick first, so you got the better team.
MonicaYou're so pathetic! Why can't you just accept it, we're winning because I'm better than you.
(Ross makes a 'Yeah. Right.' sound.)
MonicaOh, what a great argument, exhaling! All right, you know what, I'll prove it to you, ok. I'll trade you Joey for Rachel, and I'll still win the game.
RachelOh that's great. There goes my last shred of self-esteem.
RossWhat?! Wh? The guys against the girls? See, that's ridiculous Monica, because I'm only down by three touchdowns.
MonicaOh, then bring it on! Oh, unless of course you're afraid you might lose to a bunch of girls.
RossFine, fine, Rachel you're with Monica, Joey, you're with me.
RachelI can not believe your trading me!! (Turns around and starts pointing at the guys) You are gonna lose. And you are gonna ...lose...and...(To Monica and Phoebe) Come on help me out here. I've never done this before.
PheobeThat's good - lose.
Rachel(to the guys)....Lose!
MonicaCome on Rach, come on. Let's see what's it like to be on a winning team for a change.
RachelAre you gonna let me play?
MonicaAll right then.
[Cut to the guys' team.]
Margha(Coming over) The game is over, we eat now?
ChandlerNo-no-no-no, the game's not over, we're just switching teams.
JoeyYeah, Chandler finds me so intimidating that it's better if we're on the same team.
RossAll right. Ok, let's play. Let's go.
ChandlerNo ah, hold on a Saint Joe, where do Dutch people come from?
JoeyAh well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.
ChandlerAnd the uh, other Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
JoeyNice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.
RossEnough with geography for the insane, ok? Let's play some ball, guys.
JoeyWhoa, whoa, no, no, I-I'm not playing with this guy, now.
ChandlerOh-ho-ho, fine with me.
RossOk, you know what? I've had enough with this. Let's just cut to the chase here. Ok? Heidi, which of my boys do you like?
Chandler and JoeyWhat're you doing? What're you doing? What're you doing?
MarghaWhich do I like?
RossYeah, you know for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill...
MarghaWell, if I had to choose right now, which by the way I find really weird, I would have to say, Chandler.
JoeyNow wait a minute! Wait a minute! She obviously didn't understand the question.
ChandlerWell, you don't, you have Captain Hook explain it to her.
MarghaI'm sorry, Joey, that is my choose.
ChandlerYou hear that! That is her choose, Mister "I'll let you have her"! I win! You suck! I rule all! A mini-wave in celebration of me!! (Does the wave.)
MarghaI'm now thinking I would like to change my answer to, no one.
MarghaI now find you shallow and um, a dork. All right, bye.
JoeyNice going. You just saved yourself a couple months of sex.
ChandlerYou know what, it doesn't matter, because she picked me. Me! From now on I get the dates and you have to stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!
RossSave the breakthroughs for therapy, ok. The clock is ticking. We have no time, and we are losing, we are losing to girls.
ChandlerWe're not gonna lose to girls.
RossHey! It's 42-21!
JoeyThis sucks, I was just up by that much!
Ross(Quietly) Look, let me put it this way: If we lose, they will never let us forget it, ok? And worse than that they'll never let the women you date forget it.
MonicaHey! Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marries.
[Cut to the girls huddle.]
MonicaWe have to do this. We are playing for women everywhere. Ok, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, ok, every guy who kept one eye on the TV while you're making out...
PhoebeOh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?!
MonicaCome on, ok, come on this is for all womankind. Let's kill 'em!
RachelYeah!!! Kill them!!!
PhoebeAll right, no, well I want to kill them to, but they're boys, you know how are we gonna beat three boys?
(Another football sequence follows)
[Sequence 1: Chandler is running past Phoebe with the ball, Phoebe flashes him, he stops and stares dumbfounded at her. Phoebe then runs up and takes the ball away.]
[Sequence 2: Phoebe throws the ball, and it's intercepted by Joey, who starts to run upfield. Rachel jumps on his back in order to try and tackle him, but she doesn't slow him down. Monica and Phoebe then both grab her legs in order to stop Joey, who still manages to fight through the tackle and score the touchdown.]
[Sequence 3: Chandler is running with the ball, Phoebe flashes him again, but Chandler covers his eyes, and keeps running. He then runs into a tree at the end of the field.]
[Cut to the girls huddle]
MonicaAll right, we still have a minute and a half to go, and we're down by two points, ok? Two points... (She gets interrupted by the guys, who are doing a slow-motion high five.) Phoebe you do a button-hook again. Rachel, you go long.
RachelNo! Come on! Don't make me go long. Use me. They never cover me.
MonicaHoney, there's a reason.
RachelGod, I'm not lame, ok. I can do something. I can throw, would you let me throw, come on this is my game too.
PhoebeCome on Mon, let her throw the ball.
MonicaAll right Rachel, you sweep behind, I'll pitch it to you, you throw it down field to Phoebe.
RachelThank you. Thank you.
MonicaAll right. Break. Break!
MonicaThirty-two! Seventy-one! Hike!
(Phoebe snaps the ball to Monica, who pitches back to Rachel.)
The GuysOne-Mississippi! Two-Mississippi! Three-Mississippi!
(There's a screen shot of Rachel freaking out as the boys rush towards her. She panics and runs away. She runs out of the park and up along the fence, she then comes back into the park and runs past Monica, as she gets to Monica, she throws the ball at Monica, and it hits her in the eye.)
RachelI'm so sorry! Are you ok?
MonicaNo! I'm not ok!
RachelSorry, they were just all coming at me, I didn't know what to do.
Joey(Looking at the timer) Thirty seconds left on the timer!
Ross(Goes up to Monica and starts doing a little chant and dance) You-are-the-loser. Dah-dah, dah, dah-dah-dah. (Monica is disgusted with it while Rachel thinks he is being ridiculous.)
ChandlerOk, ok, so we get to take that stupid troll thing home!
MonicaCome on! Come on! Hurry! We're running out of time! Huddle up!
PhoebeOk. Oooh! Oh, this is our last huddle, yeah.
MonicaAll right, Phoebe get open. Rachel, go long.
Rachel(on the verge of tears) Ok.
(In slow motion, Phoebe snaps the ball, Rachel goes long. Joey and Chandler and all over Phoebe, leaving Rachel wide open. Ross starts to rush Monica, who sees Phoebe is double covered, in desperation she throws to Rachel. We see the ball flying through the air, and then Rachel running underneath it, then the ball, then Rachel again, then the ball, then Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey staring at it in shock. Then with the grace of Jerry Rice (no offense to Jerry Rice), Rachel catches the ball, and she stops and spikes the ball. Both Phoebe and Monica erupt in celebration.)
Rachel(in triumph) I got a touchdown! We did it!!
ChandlerHey-hey you know, Rachel, funny thing. Actually, the ah, end zone starts at that pole, so you're five feet short, so, we win!
PhoebeWait-wait-wait-wait! So, explain something to me though, if, if nobody tagged Rachel, then isn't the play still going.
(They all start to dive for the ball and Monica and Ross grab it at the same time.)
RossLet go! Let go!
MonicaLet go! I'm a tiny little woman!!
ChandlerGuys! Guys! Come on! It's Thanksgiving, it's not important who wins or loses. The important thing is, (to Joey) the Dutch girl picked me! Me! Not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!!
Monica and Rachel's, Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler, and Joey are eating Thanksgiving dinner.
RachelWe should definitely play football more often. Maybe there's a like league we could join or something.
PhoebeIsn't there a national football league?
ChandlerYes. Yes, there is, they play on Sundays and Monday nights.
RachelOh shoot! I work Monday nights.
PhoebeOhh. The stuffing is amazing. Do you think we should bring them some?
JoeyWhen they're hungry enough, they'll come in.
The park, it's dark outside and Monica and Ross are still fighting over the ball.
RossNo! You let go!
RossHow come it's always us left in the field holding the ball?
MonicaI don't know. I guess the other people just don't care enough.
(It starts snowing.)
RossHey! It's starting to snow.
(They both look up, and watch it start to snow. Then they both start fighting for the ball again.)
Monica and Ross are walking in a hallway. Monica's nose is all stuffed up; Ross looks tired and is carrying the Geller Cup.
MonicaYou know there was a time tonight that I started losing the feeling in my toes.
MonicaThat's when I realized there's more important things than beating you at football. Things like feet.
(They walk into the garbage room..)
RossYeah, I know. This thing has caused us too much pain and suffering.
RossIt's time. (He hands the Geller Cup to Monica)
MonicaWe'll just call it a tie.
RossIt's a tie.
(They shake hands.)
(Ross opens the trash chute for Monica. Monica puts the Geller Cup in it and Ross closes it. Monica pats Ross on the chest.)
RossGood night! (leaves)
(After she has seen Ross has left she goes back into the garbage room and opens the trash chute.)
MonicaPheebs.... did you get it?
Phoebe (at the bottom of the trash chute) Yeah I got it!
MonicaGreat! Bring it up. There's champagne in my apartment for the winners!
(As soon as she closes the trash chute...)
Phoebe(at the bottom of the trash chute) Oh Ross. What-what are you doing down here? (Monica becomes shocked)
(Monica makes a "Damn it" face.)
Written by Ira Ungerleider; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp