Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Rachel are there, Joey is demonstrating a card trick. JoeyOk, pick a card, any card. (Monica picks one) All right, now memorize it. Show to everybody. Got it?
MonicaUm-mm.
JoeyAll right, give it back to me. (Takes the card back, but he looks at the card before he puts it back in the deck, he holds the deck to his forehead, and thinks a little while) 5 of hearts.
(Monica is sarcastically amazed.)
RossReal magic does exist.
RachelWow.
MonicaWow. Joey, (Sarcastically) how do you do it?
JoeyI can't tell you that, no.
(We hear some knocking coming from the ceiling.)
RossAh, somebody's at the door on the ceiling.
RachelNo, that's our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.
MonicaHe took up the carpet, and now you can hear everything.
PhoebeWhy don't you go up there and ask him to just like step lightly, please?
MonicaI have like five times, but the guy is so charming, that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.
PhoebeOoh, that is silly. (Gets up) I'll go up there, I'll tell him to keep it down.
MonicaAll right, be my guest.
RachelGood luck.
(Phoebe exits)
JoeyAll right, all right, all right, all right, if you really wanna know how I did it, I'll show ya. When you handed me back the card, what you didn't see was, I looked at it so fast that it was invisible to the naked eye. (Picks up a card and quickly looks at it) I just did it. (Does it again) I just did it again. Here, I'll slow it down so that you guys can see it. Ready? (Looks and the card in slow motion)
AllOh. Enough. Ok.
(We hear Phoebe knock at the door upstairs, and the guy answer it.)
Phoebe(muffled through the floor) Yeah, look I was with my friend downstairs and we hear everything up here that you do, and I am sick and tired... (I tried but the rest is unintelligible).
Guy(muffled) Whoa, you are very beautiful.
Phoebe(muffled) Oh, thank you. Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier. Chandler(entering) Hey, anybody got a length of rope about six feet long with a little noose at the end?
MonicaHoney, what's the matter?
ChandlerI just saw Janice.
AllOh.
ChandlerYeah, she was at Rockefeller Center skating with her husband, she looked so happy. I almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them.
JoeyMan, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me.
ChandlerYes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
JoeySorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story you know...
RossHey Chandler, eh there's a party tomorrow, you'll feel better then.
ChandlerOh, you know what, I'm-I'm gonna be ok, you don't have to throw a party for me.
MonicaIt's Joey's birthday.
ChandlerOh, well then, if anybody should've a party it should be him.
(We hear Phoebe's muffled voice through the ceiling.)
MonicaSsh!! I cannot believe she is still up there.
(We hear the guy telling a joke, and Phoebe laughing.)
ChandlerOk, well he totally screwed up the punch line. You know, it's supposed to be arrghh-eh og-errigh. Fortunata Fashions, Rachel's new job. Mr. Kaplan(Entering) How's that coffee coming, dear?
Rachel(Jumping up from reading her magazine) Yeah, right away Mr. Kaplan.
Mr. KaplanI'm not supposed to drink coffee, it makes me gassy.
RachelI know!
Mr. KaplanI'll bet you're thinking, 'What's an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion, doing making coffee?' Eh?
RachelOp.
Mr. KaplanEh.
RachelOh, you got me.
Mr. KaplanWell, don't think I haven't noticed your potential. Well, I've got a project for you that's a lot more related to fashion. How does that sound?
RachelOh, that sounds great.
Mr. KaplanCome on over here, sweetheart. Come on, come on. (They walk over to a storage closet)
RachelOh thank you so much Mr. Kaplan, thank you so much.
Mr. Kaplan(Opening the closet door revealing that it's full of tangled up hangers.) I need these hangers separated ASAP. (she is stunned) You're welcome. The Moondance Diner, Rachel is talking to Monica about her job. RachelOh God, I hate my job, I hate it, I hate my job, I hate it.
MonicaI know honey, I'm sorry.
RachelOh, I wanna quit, but then I think I should stick it out, then I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it's remotely related to the field they're interested in.
Monica(Gives her a look) Gee, I don't know Rach. Order up!! I got a Yentel soup, a James Beans, and a Howdy hold the Dowdy!
RachelOh honey, come on, I'm sorry, I didn't.... I don't mind paying my dues, you know, it's just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Mira, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom.
(A guy at the end of the table starts laughing.)
Rachel(to him) Hi! Is my misery amusing to you?
GuyI'm sorry, I wa, I wa, I was just ah.... (Starts to laugh again)
RachelIt's not funny, this is actually my job.
GuyOh believe me, I-I-I've been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at that mannequin surplus.
RachelOh, well then, so I'm uh I'm just gonna go back to talking to my friend here. And you can go back to enjoying your little hamburger.
MonicaActually that's a Barbara Streisandwich. (Rachel looks at her) What? I named that one.
GuyAh, just one other thing.
RachelYes?!
GuyI ah, I work at Bloomingdale's and I might know of a job possibility if you, if you're interested?
Rachel(Looks at Monica) (to him) Do you want my pickle? Chandler and Joey's, it's Joey's party. Gunther(to Monica and Phoebe) Hey guys.
MonicaHey Gunther. Hi. (to Phoebe) I mean you're going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs?
PhoebeWell, he's very charming.
MonicaI know, he's too charming, but if you two start going out, then it's just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him.
PhoebeWell, you're just going to have to try.
MonicaJoey, where are the Jell-O shots?
JoeyI don't know, Chandler is supposed to be passing them around...
(Camera cuts to show Chandler giving a Jell-O shot to the ceramic dog and holding an empty tray of Jell-O shots.)
JoeyChandler!
ChandlerHello-dillillio!!
RossOh, somebody's feeling better.
Monica(to Chandler) Stick out your tongue.
Chandler(to Monica) Take off your shirt!
(Chandler sticks out is tongue and it's a horrible shade of green.)
MonicaOh my!!
JoeyOh my God! How many of these did you have? These are pure vodka.
ChandlerYeah, Jell-O just like Mom used to make.
Rachel(Entering, to Ross) The most unbelievable thing happened to me today.
RossHi!
RachelHi! So I'm out having lunch at Monica's and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale's and there happens to be an opening in his department. So I gave him my phone number and he's gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview!
RossWow!
RachelI know!
RossWhat, so this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?
RachelUh-huh!
RossAnd he's, he's a total stranger?
RachelYeah! His name is um, Mark something.
RossHuh. Sounds like Mark Something wants to have some sex.
RachelWhat!?
RossWell, I'm just saying, I mean why else would he just, you know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason.
RachelTo be nice.
RossHey, Joey. Uh, are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
JoeyNo, only for sex.
RossThank you. (to Rachel) So did you ah, did you tell Mark Something about me?
RachelI didn't have to, because I was wearing my 'I heart Ross' sandwich board and ringing my bell.
RossUh-huh.
Joey's Sisters(Entering) Joey!!! Happy Birthday!! (all 7 of them look almost identical)
JoeyHey!! Hey-hey-hey!
Chandler(to Monica) Ok, how many of that girl are you seeing?
MonicaHow hammered are you? Huh? These, these are Joey's sisters.
ChandlerHi Joey's sisters!
Phoebe(to one of his sisters, Cookie) Hey!
CookieHey. What're we drinking over here.
PhoebeOh. Well, I have ah, vodka and cranberry juice.
CookieNo kidding, that's the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband.
PhoebeWow. Ok, I don't know how to talk to you.
(Cut to Chandler)
Sister 1(to Chandler) Whatcha doing?
ChandlerOh, I'm taking my ex-girlfriend of my speed dialer.
Joey's SistersOh!!
ChandlerNo-no-no-no, no, it's a good thing. Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can't we savor the precious moments? (to one of Joey's sisters) Those are some huge breasts you have.
(Cut to Ross and Monica)
RossHi.
MonicaHi.
RossYeah. So um, I-I heard about this ah, Mark guy that ah, Rachel met today.
MonicaIsn't that great?
RossOh yeah! So ah, kinda pretty, pretty good. He sounds like a nice, good guy.
MonicaOh, he is. And he is so dreamy. I mean, you know what, when he left I actually used the phrase, 'Hummina-hummina-hummina.' (walks away)
RossThat's excellent. Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are eating breakfast. Ross(to Rachel) So, he's just a nice guy. You really think this Mark doesn't want anything in exchange for helping you?
RachelWell, I assume I'll have to take showers with him, but you know, that's true of any job.
(Chandler enters hungover and groaning)
MonicaHow you feeling?
ChandlerWell, my apartment isn't there anymore, because I drank it.
PhoebeWhere'd you get to? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.
RossYeah.
ChandlerYeah, I ended up in the storage room, and not alone.
AllWoooo hoooo!!!
ChandlerOw, no 'woo-hooing,' no 'woo-hooing.'
PhoebeWhy, what happened?
ChandlerAh, I fooled around with Joey's sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that's not the worst part.
MonicaWhat is the worse part?
ChandlerI can't remember which sister.
Ross(to Rachel) You see what men do! Don't tell me men are nice! (Points to Chandler) This is men!!
MonicaAre you insane? I mean Joey, is gonna kill you, he's actually going to kill you dead.
ChandlerOk! You don't think I thought of that?
PhoebeHow can you not know which one?
RachelI mean that's unbelievable.
MonicaI mean, was it Gina?
RossWhich one is Gina?
RachelDark, big hair, with the airplane earrings.
MonicaNo, no, no, that's not Gian, that's Dina.
Chandler(to Monica) You see you can't tell which one is which either, dwha!!
PhoebeWe didn't fool around with any of them. Dwha! Dwha!
ChandlerVeronica. Look, it's gotta be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt. I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat.
MonicaThat was me.
ChandlerOh, look, when I've been drinking, sometimes I tend to get a little overly friendly, and I'm-I'm sorry.
MonicaThat's ok.
RachelThat's all right.
RossThat's ok.
Joey(Angrily entering, to Chandler) Can I talk to you for a second?!
RossHey, Joey.
RachelHey. (They all walk away from Chandler)
JoeyCome on!! (motions for Chandler to come with him)
ChandlerWhy can't we talk in here? With, with, witnesses.
JoeyI just got off the phone with my sister.
RossAh, which, which one?
JoeyMary-Angela.
RossMary-Angela.
JoeyYeah.
MonicaYou know which one was she again?
JoeyWhy don't you ask Chandler, 'cause he's the one that fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her. Now is that true? Or are you just getting over Janice by groping my sister.
ChandlerIt's gotta be the first one.
JoeyReally? That's great! You and my sister, sitting in a tree.
ChandlerYep, I'm in a tree. Monica and Rachel's, Monica is writing letters as Rachel enters. RachelDid he call? Did Mark call?
MonicaNo honey, I'm sorry, but the weekend's not over yet.
RachelOh. (We hear laughing from the upstairs apartment) Oh my God, is that Phoebe?
MonicaI guess they're back from their date.
(He starts to play music.)
RachelMusic. Very nice.
(We hear them start making out upstairs.)
MonicaOh my God!
RachelSo, how are you?
MonicaI am good. I finished my book.
(Things start to get really hot upstairs.)
RachelOh yeah, what's it about?
MonicaI don't remember. Do you wanna take a walk?
RachelYeah, I do. (They both run out) Chandler and Joey's, Ross is reading a letter that Chandler wrote. RossDear Mary-Angela. Hi. How's it going. This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. (to Chandler) What the hell's a matter with you? How do you think Joey's gonna react when he finds out that you blew off his sister with a letter?
ChandlerWell, that's the part where you tell him that I moved to France. When actually I'll be in Cuba.
RossAll right, look, look, you've got to do this yourself, ok? In person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, ok? When whichever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy.
ChandlerOk. What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
RossWe're in Cuba. Joey's sister's house, Chandler hits himself on the head three times and knocks on the door three times. Joey answers it. Chandler(Shocked) Joey, what-wh-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-wh-wha-what're you doing here?
JoeyWaiting for my Grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?
ChandlerI'm uh I'm here to see Mary-Angela.
JoeyYou are so the man! (Motions him to come in, and he does) Hey look, listen, listen, you gotta be cool, 'cause my Grandma doesn't know about you two yet, and you do not wanna tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Benito Mussolini's hanging body. Yeah.
ChandlerWhere are your parents?
JoeyOh they're in Vermont, buying cigarettes.
ChandlerWhere's Mary-Angela?
JoeyShe's right in there. (Motions to the living room)
ChandlerOk.
(Chandler walks into the living room, and sees all of Joey's sisters, all wearing red.)
Joey's SistersHey, Chandler! Central Perk, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there. RachelI can't believe Mark didn't call. It's Sunday night, and he didn't call.
RossBummer.
Rachel(to Ross) Yeah, right. Look at you, you're practically giddy.
RossNo, I'm genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn't work out. Look, Rach, I want only good things for you.
MonicaWait a minute, why don't you just call Mark. (They both look up in shock) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him, you've got to make stuff happen.
RossBut, you, you don't wanna seem too pushy.
Monica(to Ross) Honey, it's not pushy, it's he gave her his home number.
Ross(to Rachel, as she gets his number) What, he gave you his home number? As in like, to, to his home?
RachelYeah, and you don't mind if I call, because you only want good things for me.
RossThat's right, good things, that-that is what I said. (glances at Monica)
Rachel(on phone) Hello, Mark? Hi, it's Rachel Green. (Listens) Oh. Oh no, don't you apologize. (Listens) Yeah, I'll hold. (to Monica and Ross) He left my number at work, he was gonna get it, but he was helping his niece with her report on The Pioneers.
RossThat is so made up!
Rachel(on phone) Yeah, oh my God, tomorrow! That, no, it's perfect. Oh, God, thank you soo much. Great! Bye! (Hangs up phone) I got the interview!
MonicaOh, Yay!
RossThere you go.
RachelHe even offered to meet me for lunch and prep me for it.
MonicaOh, that is amazing!
RossYeah, well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I'd expect nothing less.
RachelI gonna figure out what I'm gonna wear.
RossHigh collar and baggy pants say I'm a pro.
RachelYeah! Right! Ok, I'll see you guys later. (Starts to leave) Woo hoo!
RossYou go get 'em. {"get them tiger" generally means good luck or wishing sb their best as they begin to do sth.} (to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?
MonicaWhat?
Ross'Why don't you call him?!' Well, thank you very much! You know now he is gonna prep her, you know prep her, as in what you do when you surgically remove the boyfriend!
MonicaAre you crazy?!
RossAm I! Am I! Am I out of my mind! Am I losing my senses!! This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.
MonicaRoss! You know this isn't even about you! I mean this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. I mean you know even if you're right, what if he wants to sleep with her, does it mean he gets too?
RossNo.
MonicaI mean don't you trust her?
RossWell, yeah!
MonicaThen get over yourself! Grow up!
Ross(Shyly) You grow up.
Joey's sister's house, they're finishing up dinner. ChandlerThis tiramisu is, is excellent. Did you make it Mary-Angela?
Joey's GrandmotherNo! I did!
ChandlerWell, it's, it's yummy. So, uh, Mary-Angela, do you like it?
Joey's GrandmotherOf course! It's her favorite.
ChandlerSo, um, hum, Mary-Angela, what's your second favorite?
Joey's GrandmotherMore of Grandma's tiramisu.
ChandlerOh! Would! You! Just! Please!...give me the recipe 'cause this is great. It's top-notch.
Joey's GrandmotherThat dies with me.
ChandlerSo will I.
Joey's SisterExcuse yourself and go to the bathroom.
ChandlerOh no-no-no I was just squinting. That doesn't mean anything.
Joey's Sister(Whispering in his ear) Just do it.
ChandlerWill you excuse me I have to um..... (Nobody is listening; Walks to the hall)
[Cut to the hall, Joey's sister runs up and grabs Chandler's butt.]
Chandler(startled) Hey!
Joey's SisterFinally, I thought we'd never be alone. Can I just tell you something, I have not stopped thinking about you since the party. (Kisses him)
ChandlerLook, I may have jumped the gun here. (She tries to kiss him, but he ducks it and moves away) Um, I just got out of a relationship and I'm not really in a, in a commitment kind of place.
Joey's SisterSo! Me neither! God, Mary-Angela was right, you do have the softest lips.
ChandlerAhhhh, you're not Mary-Angela.
Joey's SisterNo, I'm Mary-Theresa.
ChandlerThis is so bad. If-if you're not Mary-Angela, then-then then who is?
Mary-Angela(Standing behind Chandler) I am!
ChandlerOh, it's is so bad. (Doesn't look at Mary-Angela)
Mary-AngelaJoey!!!
ChandlerNo Joey! No Joey! No Joey! Joey!
JoeyWhat's going on?
Chandler(Pats him on the shoulder) You're it! Now run and hide!
Mary-TheresaIt's no big deal. Chandler was just kissing me because he thought I was Mary-Angela.
JoeyWhat?! How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary-Angela?
ChandlerI wasn't sure which one Mary-Angela was. (all of Joey's sisters gasp) Look, I'm sorry ok? I was really drunk, and you guys all look really similar.
Joey's SisterI say, punch him Joey.
AllYeah! Punch him!!
ChandlerNo! You know what, we should all calm down because you know, your brother's not gonna punch me. (to Joey) Are ya?
JoeyWell, that is usually what I would do. But, I just never thought you'd be on the receiving end of it. How could you do this?!
Joey's Grandmother(Runs in) Hey, where'd everybody go?
JoeyHey, Nonna, why don't you go into the den? I think Cops is on.
Joey's Grandmother(Runs back out excited) Ooooh!
ChandlerJoey, if you wanna punch me, go ahead, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family, you're my best friend. I would never do anything like this ever again.
CookieSo what? I say, punch him.
AllYeah! Punch him! Punch him!
JoeyNo! No! No! No, I'm not gonna punch Chandler.
CookieI'll do it.
JoeyNo you won't. Hey. Look, he knows he did a terrible thing and I believe him, he's sorry. But, (to Chandler) you got one more apology to make, all right? You gotta apologize to Mary-Angela.
ChandlerOk, absolutely!
JoeyAll right.
ChandlerYou got it. (He starts to look at his sister's, but he still doesn't know which one is Mary-Angela.)
JoeyCookie, now you can punch him!
ChandlerWhat?! (Cookie punches him) A lobby, Ross is waiting for Rachel, after her interview. Rachel(getting of the elevator and noticing Ross) Hey!
RossHi!
RachelWhat're you doing here?
RossAh you know, this building is on my paper routes so I... (Gives her a flower)
RachelOh.
RossHi. (Kisses her)
RachelHi.
RossHow'd did it go?
RachelOh, well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but you know thank God Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall line, she got all happy and wouldn't shut up.
RossI'm so proud of you.
RachelMe too!
RossUh, listen, I'm ah, I'm sorry I've been so crazy and jealous and, it's just that I like you a lot, so...
RachelI know.
RossYeah.
RachelYeah.
MarkRachel?
RachelYeah. (Turns around) Hi, Mark!
MarkHi. Um, I just talked to Joanna, and she loves you. You got it, you got the job.
RachelOh, I did!
MarkYes.
Rachel(to Ross) Oh my God!! (She turns around and hugs Mark, not Ross)
RossCongratu!! (Sees her hug Mark) -lations-lation. Monica and Rachel's, The entire gang is there. MonicaSo ah, Phoebe, how was your date?
PhoebeOh well you know. (Laughs)
MonicaYeah, I do know.
PhoebeIck, you were eavesdropping?
RachelEavesdropping. Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.
PhoebeOh, I'm sorry. But I, really like this guy. And I think he really happens to like me. (Laughs)
(We hear the sound of a bed creaking through the ceiling, and him moaning.)
RossMaybe he's just jumping on a Pogo Stick and really likes it.
(We hear a women start moaning.)
RossMaybe the Pogo Stick likes it too?
JoeyAll right, that's it! He cannot do this to Phoebe. (Gets up) This guy is gonna get the butt kicking of a lifetime! (Stops and turns around and asks Rachel) But, is he a big guy?
RossAh, we'll all go. (Motions to Chandler) Come on. (The guys leave)
ChandlerWell, let's see...I just got beat up by a girl. (Thinks about it) They need me. (Leaves with the other two)
PhoebeThanks you guys! Thank you.
ChandlerDon't worry.
PhoebeGod, I hope they kick his ass!
RachelHoney, I'm sorry.
MonicaYou know if it's any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you. (Rachel nods in agreement)
(We the guys knock on the door upstairs, and the guy answering it.)
Guy(muffled) May I help you?
(We hear the guys start to attack him, but the guy manages to calm them down and gets them to agree to what he did. Monica throws up her hands in disgust.)

Written by Alexa Junge; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp