Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is getting ready for her first day. Rachel(Running in from her bedroom, wearing only a towel) Ok. Hey. Umm. Does everybody hate these shoes?
ChandlerOh yeah, but, don't worry. I don't think anyone's gonna focus on that as long as you're wearing that towel dress.
Rachel(to Ross) Tell him.
Ross(to Chandler) It's her first day at this new job. You're not supposed to start with her!
ChandlerAll right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what're you doing Friday?
RossWhy?
ChandlerI need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, you know he's the, the botanist.
RossOh, God. You know, botanists are such geeks.
ChandlerYeah. Is that a dinosaur tie?
RossHmm? Oh, yeah. (he makes a growling sound)
Phoebe(Entering, with about 20 purses hanging around her neck) Good morning. Rach, I'm here with the purses!
Chandler(to Phoebe) It must take you forever to find your keys.
Rachel(Running into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs.
PhoebeOh you're welcome, oh please want the one with the turtles.
RachelNo, no, no, no, turtles scare me. I don't need that today.
RossHoney, just relax, it's gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why don't I come down there and I'll take you out to lunch?
RachelOh honey, thank you, but Mark's taking me out.
RossMark is that ah, the same Mark that helped you get the job?
RachelYeah, it's kinda like a 'good luck on your first day' sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?
PhoebeUmm, no, it's a purse. And there's a Thermos in it.
RachelOh.
Chandler(to Ross) Hey, so, can you make it on Friday?
RossWhat? Oh yeah, yeah I think so. Why am I invited to this again?
ChandlerYeah apparently Albert has no friends. He's very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason he's getting married is so he can see a stripper.
PhoebeA stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. Why don't you get a magician?!
ChandlerWell, if the magician can open my beer with his butt cheeks, then all right. Chandler and Joey's, Ross and Chandler are entering, Joey is on the phone. RossShe's having lunch with him. Lunch with him. You should've seen the hug she gave him when she got the job. And, and, and, (to Joey) he's really good looking. (Joey gives an enthusiastic thumbs up) What am I gonna do?
ChandlerYou don't do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (Pause) You don't cry out loud.
Joey(Hanging up the phone) Yes! Guess who's in an audition for a off-Broadway musical?
ChandlerI wanna say you but that seems like such an easy answer.
JoeyIt is me! It's a musical version of Tale of Two Cities. So, I think I'm gonna sing New York, New York, and ah, oh, I left My Heart in San Francisco.
RossAh Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities.
JoeyWhat?
RossMr. Dickens gets to pick 'em.
JoeyWho?
ChandlerI'll get you the Cliff Notes.
JoeyThe what?
ChandlerThe abridgment.
JoeyOh, ok. (to Ross) The what? Rachel's office, Mark is training Rachel. Mark...and the style number, the invoice number, and the shipping date. Good. Any questions so far?
RachelYeah. What kind of discount do we get?
MarkTwenty percent.
RachelOh!! I love this job! (Her phone rings) Wow! My first call.
MarkHere, let me. (Answers phone) Rachel Green's line, how may I help you?
Ross(on phone) Hi, is Rachel there?
MarkAnd who may I say is calling?
RossThis is Ross.
MarkRoss of.....
RossOf Ross and Rachel.
MarkOh, hi! It's, it's Mark.
RossOh hey, hey Mark.
MarkHey, hey, hold on a sec.
RossOk.
Mark(to Rachel) It's Ross.RachelHi honey!
RossHi! What ah, what's Mark, doing answering your phone?
RachelOh, he's just goofing around.
RossOhhhhh yeah, that's, that's funny. Why ah, why isn't he goofing around in his own office?
RachelOh honey, this is his office too. I told you we're Joanna's two assistants.
RossWhy does Joanna need two assistants, how, how lazy is she?
RachelOh! Oh my God! What did I just do?
RossWhat?
RachelI think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Honey, I gotta go. (to Mark) Mark, I need you!
RossOk, bye-bye. (Starts slamming the receiver down in anger.)
RachelOw! Ross!!
RossOh, oh, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, I was dialing another number. (Hangs up) The Moondance diner, Monica is cleaning up with one of the waiters, with her back turned to him she removes her fake breasts and hides them under her wig. Jeannine(to Monica) All right, I just got changed in thirty seconds so you can be alone with him. You'd better go for it.
MonicaPlease, I'm not going for anything.
JeannineWell, if you don't, I will.
MonicaWould you please go?
JeannineNight Mon. Night Julio.
Julio(to Jeannine) Adios.
(Monica starts wiping down the stools, as Julio follows along behind her replacing the napkin holders.)
MonicaLook Julio, someone left their book here.
JulioAh, actually, that is mine.
MonicaOh yeah?
JulioYes.
MonicaWhat are you reading?
JulioFlowers of Evil, by Beaudalire. Have you read it?
MonicaHave I read it? (Pause) No, are you enjoying it?
JulioI thought that I would, but the translation's no good.
MonicaYou're a poet, you don't know it. (She turns away and makes a face like 'I can't believe I just said that.')
JulioActually I ah, I am a poet.
MonicaOh, so you do know it. (Pause) So um what kind of things, do you write about?
JulioThings that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a, a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her lip)
MonicaMine? (Points to her lower lip) Right here?
JulioYes. I can write an epic poem about, this lip. (Grabs her lower lip)
MonicaHow would that go? (They kiss) Well, it didn't rhyme, but I liked it. Joey's audition. Joey(singing) You've got to pick a pocket or two. Boyyyyssss, (picks a handkerchief from the pianist's pocket) you've got to pick a pocket or two..........
DirectorLovely, just lovely.
JoeyReally? Thanks.
DirectorListen Joey, we definitely wanna see you for the callback on Saturday.
JoeyExcellent, I'll be there.
DirectorOk, and listen don't forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
JoeyAhhh! My ah, my agent said it wasn't a dancing part.
DirectorOh Joey, all the roles gotta dance a little. But believe me with your dance background it'll be a piece of cake. Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading Joey's resume. Chandler....three years of modern dance with Twyla Tharp! Five years with the American Ballet Theater?!
JoeyHey, everybody lies on their resume, ok? I wasn't one of the Zoom Kids either.
PhoebeWell, can you, like dance at all?
JoeyYeah, I can dance, you know. (Starts to dance really, really, really badly)
ChandlerOh no, no, no, no.
Phoebe(Covering her mouth in shock) What, what is that?
JoeySure, it looks stupid now, there's no music playing.
(Phone rings)
ChandlerAll right, I have to get that, but no-no. (Answering phone) Hello? (Listens) (Happily) Hi! Yeah uh, listen, uh, I'm, I'm in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (Listens) Ok. Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (Listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?
Monica(Entering) Hi!
PhoebeOh, how was last night with Julio, señorita?
MonicaIt was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. My gosh, I gotta tell you this. Um, last night, we were fooling around and all of a sudden he stops, to write a poem.
JoeyGet out! I couldn't stop if a meteor hit me.
{Asteroid: A relatively small, inactive body, composed of rock, carbon or metal, which is orbiting the Sun.
Comet: A relatively small, sometimes active object, which is composed of dirt and ices. Comets are characterised by dust and gas tails when in proximity to the Sun. Far from the Sun it is difficult to distinguish an asteroid from a comet.
Meteoroid: A small particle from an asteroid or comet orbiting he Sun.
Meteor: A meteoroid that is observed as it burns up in the Earth's atmosphere - a shooting star.
Meteorite: A meteoroid that survives its passage through the Earth's atmosphere and impacts the Earth's surface. [link]} ChandlerOk, we have our stripper. A Miss Crystal Chandelier.
JoeyWell sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?
MonicaAnyway, um, when he left he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think it's pretty good all right? Check it out. (Hands them the poem)
Joey(Reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty...
ChandlerTo yourself. (Finishing) Hey-hey-hey, you know what, that's pretty good.
MonicaOh good, I think so too. Pheebs?
PhoebeOh yeah.
MonicaOh, I'm glad so you guys like it. Yay! All right I gotta go to work. (Tries to take the poem)
JoeyWhoa, I'm not done.
MonicaAll right, well just give it back to me when you're through. Ok, see you guys.
ChandlerBye-bye.
(Monica leaves)
PhoebeBye. Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica!
ChandlerWhat, what, what?!
PhoebeWhat?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (Reading) 'My vessel so lovely with nothing inside? Now that I've touched you, you seem emptier still.' He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase! "Voz"? Vase?
ChandlerMonica's not an empty vase.
PhoebeOh, you think vase?
ChandlerYou really think that is what he meant?
PhoebeTotally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too.
JoeyDone. (Looks at them) What happened?
ChandlerJoey, what, what do you think this poem means?
JoeyOh Monica's the vase, right?
Chandler You are such a mystery to me. Rachel's office, her desk is covered with stuff Ross has sent her. Mark(Reaching through the flowers) Do you have the, the Ralph Lauren file?
RachelOh, yeah, sure, it's umm... (She picks up this bug and it starts to play the theme from Love Story) right-
MarkWh-what's that?
RossUh, it's, it's from Ross, it's a love bug.
MarkWow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.
RachelOh no, no-no-no, that's not, not, not, what he is doing. He's just, he's just really romantic.
Man(to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?
RachelYes.
Man(Being joined by the rest of the barbershop quartet) One, two, three...
Quartet(Singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It won't be long before you're the boss.
The Bass Barber{bass - a very low male singing voice ↗high-pitched, tenor, tenure} Omm-pah, omm-pah, omm-pah.
Quartet(Singing) And you know who will be there to support... you?! Your one and only boyfriend...
The Bass BarberIt's nice to have a boyfriend.
QuartetYour loyal loving boyfriend Ross..... Ross! Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are entering the living room from her bedroom. RossI'm hurt! I'm actually hurt, that you would think that I would send you any of those things out of any thing other than love. Hurt! Hurt!
RachelAll right Ross!! I get it!!
RossI mean my God...
RachelYou're hurt!
Ross...can't, can't a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriend's office anymorrrrre!!
RachelOh, please, Ross, it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might as well have just come in and peed all around my desk!
RossI would never do that!
RachelLook, I know what's going on here, ok, Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.
RossYeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Mark's an idiot. Central Perk, Chandler, Ross, Joey are there. JoeyMark's a genius!
RossWhy?! How?! How is he a genius?
ChandlerLook, don't you see what's happening here? Instead of hitting on her right away, he's becoming her confidant. Now he's gonna be the guy that she goes too to complain about you.
JoeyOh..(in pain)
ChandlerYou ok over there?
JoeyYeah, I tried taking a dance class today to get ready for this callback tomorrow.
ChandlerHow'd it go?
JoeyI knocked over a girl.
RossGood work. Can we get back to the Mark thing? What am I gonna do?
ChandlerWell, why don't you send her a musical bug, oh, no, you already did that. All right, look, you're gonna have to go there yourself now, ok, make a few surprise visits.
RossI don't know, you guys.
ChandlerAll right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'
JoeyAnd before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' All right? And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man, get over it, it's been four years!!'
ChandlerHe paints quite a picture, doesn't he? Rachel's office. Woman(Walking up to Mark) Here's the Shelly Segal stuff from December.
Mark(Turning around) And wait, I've got something for you. (Kisses her)
WomanOh, Mark!!
MarkIt's ok, Rachel knows.
WomanYeah, but even soo.
(Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachel's office.)
MarkI can't help it, I'm just, I'm just crazy about you.
RachelOhhh! That is soo sweet! (Gets up to get herself a cup of coffee)
(Ross is eavesdropping in the hallway.)
MarkOk, ok, I know I'm like Mr. Inappropriate today, but it's just so tough, I mean I see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you, come on no one's around, just, just kiss me.
(They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up.)
RossAll right that's it!! Get off, get off her! (Pushs Mark off her)
MarkWhat is going on?
RossYou know what's going on?! (Throws the love bug at him) That, I'll tell you what's going on!!
Rachel(Now standing behind Ross) Ross!
(Ross finally looks at the woman kissing Mark.)
RossI have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (Turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He puts his hand on her shoulder and she knocks it away.) Joey's dance audition, Joey is warming up. DirectorAh Joey. Joey Tribbiani. Listen Joey, I-I got a problem, I just got a call from my dance captain, he's having a relationship crisis and can't get out of Long Island.
JoeySo, does that mean the audition is off?
DirectorListen Joey, seeing as you've got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and teach them the combination.
JoeyWhat?!
DirectorAw Joey, come on, it's easy. You know, it's hand, hand, head, head, (Very quickly, Joey watches, stunned) up, Pas de bourrée, pas de bouree, big turn here, grand sissone, sissone, sissone, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!
JoeyIt's ah, step-ity, step and jazz hands.
DirectorHave fun.
JoeyBye. (Does the jazz hands) Monica and Rachel's, Monica is tying a ribbon to a vase. Phoebe(Entering) Hey!
MonicaHey.
PhoebeWhat're you wrapping?
MonicaOh, look what I got Julio.
PhoebeYeah, it's a vase.
MonicaYeah, just like the one in the poem.
PhoebeYeah, well, not exactly like the one in the poem.
MonicaWhat do you mean?
PhoebeRemember how you said you were really dense about poetry?
MonicaYeah.
PhoebeOh. (Hugs her) The Moondance Diner. Monica(to Julio) So! I'm just an empty vase, huh?
JulioWhat?
MonicaYou know, so I don't read as many important books as you do, and I don't write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And you know what, I get excited about stupid stuff, like when my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new Hold Everything catalog. You know but that does not mean that I'm empty, you know, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me.
JulioWhoa, whoa, whoa.
MonicaYou don't even know me...
JulioWhoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you.
MonicaWhat?
JulioThe Empty Vase is not about you. My baby preciosa you make me so sad that you would think this.
MonicaI'm sorry, it's, my friend Phoebe's...
JulioNo, it's, it's about all women. Well, all American women. You feel better now?
Monica(sarcastically) Oh yeah. Joey's audition, the director has returned and wants to see the combination. DirectorAll right, let's do it!
(The group does the same horrible dance that Joey did earlier in the show, except they're all out of sync and they do the jazz hands at the end.)
DirectorNo, no, no. What was that?
JoeyI know, it's the best I could get out of 'em all right.
DirectorWell, people!
JoeyPeople, people, people.
DirectorLet's try it again, and this time let's watch everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show 'em how it's done. (to the pianist) Count it off.
(The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then runs out of the audition.)
Central Perk, Chandler and Rachel are there. RachelSo ah, did you have fun at the bachelor party last night?
ChandlerOh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (Holds up a pen) See, she's fully dressed, right?
RachelRight.
ChandlerAnd then, and then you click it and, uh-oh, she's naked. And then, and then you click it again and she's dressed. She's a business woman, she's walking down the street, she's window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-she's naked! (Rachel just stares at him.)
Ross(Entering) Hi.
RachelHello.
ChandlerYou know what, I'm, I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.
Ross(Sits down next to her) I'm sorry, I was an idiot.
RachelA big idiot.
RossA big idiot. Just you have to realize is, this uh, this whole Mark thing is really hard for me.
(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background.)
RachelHoney, why is it hard, we've been together for almost a year now?
RossWell, I was with Carol for like eight years and, I lost her. And now if it's possible I think I love you even more. So, it's hard for me to believe that I'm not gonna, well that someone else isn't gonna take you away.
GuntherLet it be me! Let it be me!
RachelHoney, that's very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, there's no reason to be jealous. (She kisses him)
RossI gotta get going. Bye Chandler.
ChandlerOh, ok Ross. Listen, this pen is getting kinda boring, so can you pick me up some porn?
RachelWhere're you going?
RossOh, I've got to go pick up Ben, we've got a play date this afternoon.
RachelOhh, with who?
RossUh, just this woman I met last night at the party.
RachelThere was a woman at the... (Realizes) The stripper?!
RossYeah.
RachelYou, you have a play date with a stripper?!
ChandlerMan, I gotta get a kid. (Looks at the pen and starts laughing)
RossAh, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she, you know, did her thing. And it turns out she's got a boy about Ben's age, so we're gonna take the kids to a Gymboree class. Why, is that ok?
RachelSure, is she married?
RossAhh, no.
RachelHuh. (Starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard.)
RossAre you jealous?
RachelNoo, I, you know I just don't see why she has to play with you, that's all. I mean doesn't she, you know, have any other stripper mom friends of her own?
RossYou are totally jealous.
RachelAw, I'm not jealous. All right this is about, umm, people, feeling certain things, you know, about strippers. And you know, and um, I...
RossHoney, I love you too.
RachelUgh.
RossBye.
RachelWait, wait, wait.
RossWhat?
(She runs over and gives him a very passionate kiss.)
RossHuh.
Rachel(to Chandler) Well, there's a kiss he won't forget for a few hours, you know.
ChandlerYeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.
Rachel(Runs out of the coffee house) All right, I'm jealous! Ross! I'm jealous!
Chandler(Just lays there looking at his pen impersonating the woman's voice) Oh no no Chandler please don't. Oh no no no no I beg you, if you don't Uh-oh! (Clicks the pen so she is naked and he laughs) The Moondance Diner. Man(Entering) Is there a Julio here?
Julio(to him) I am Julio.
(The rest of barbershop quartet enters, and joins him.)
Man(Singing) Mister Pretentious, (Monica stands up in the background) you think there's no one finer, well your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner.
QuartetYou're no God's gift to women, that's all in your headdddd. You are just a butt munch.
Bass SingerNo one likes a butt munch.
QuartetAnd you're also bad in bedd-edd-edd!
(Monica waves at Julio.)

Written by Doty Abrams; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp