A Video Store, Monica is running in to return a video. Monica(to clerk) Hi.
(The clerk enters the video into the computer.)
ClerkSix dollars, please.
MonicaSix? I just had it for one night. It's three.
ClerkEight o'clock is the cut-off and, (Looks at his watch) aww, it's 8:02.
MonicaYou know, in a weird way, you have too much power. Look, you're gonna have to help me out here, because I only have three.
Richard(Standing behind her, without his moustache) I can help with that.
MonicaOh my God. Richard? (Turns around) Hi!
RichardHi!
MonicaWow! Your lip went bald. (Richard pays the clerk) Hey, thanks.
RichardSo, you look great.
MonicaRight. (Laughs)
RichardNo you do. You... just...you
MonicaWhat?
RichardYou've got panties stuck to your leg.
Monica(Removes them) That's because I-I was just grabbing some things out of the dryer, and its static cling. Or, maybe it's just that God knew I'd be running into you and saw an opportunity.
RichardIt's good to see you.
MonicaIt's good to see you too.
(They hug, and Richard notices a stocking stuck to Monica's back, which he removes for her.) Continued from earlier. MonicaSo you see that guy? He's in classics now, but you know as soon as we leave he's going straight to the porn.
RichardHe's gonna go up to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo, and Clockwork Orgy. (They both laugh) This is nice. I missed this.
MonicaYeah.
Richard(to the interested porn customer) 'Scuse me. Uh, we're gonna be here for a while. So why don't you just go back there? (to the adult video section)
MonicaYeah, we're not judging. (The customer goes to the adult section)
RichardSo, you wanna get a hamburger or something?
MonicaOh, um, I don't know if that's a good idea.
RichardOh. Look, just friends, I won't grope you. I promise.
MonicaYeah, I ju- I think it's, too soon.
RichardNo it's not too soon, I had lunch at a eleven. Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Ross. Joey, and Rachel are eating breakfast. Chandler is holding a bottle of Hershey's syrup. ChandlerYeah, baby!
RossWhat're you doing?
ChandlerMaking chocolate milk. You want some?
RossNo thanks. I'm 29.
Rachel(Looking at her watch) Oh my God, I gotta go to work!
RossOh sweetie, what time do you think you're gonna get off tonight?
RachelOh I don't know honey. It could be really late.
RossOh come on, not again.
RachelI know. I'm sorry. Look, I'll make a deal with you ok?
RossHmm.
RachelFor every night that you're asleep before I get home from work...
RossYeah.
RachelI will wake you up in a way that's proved very popular in the past.
RossNow, if you need to stay late, I wanna be supportive of that.
Phoebe(Entering, holding a pair of Rollerblades) Hi.
AllHey.
Joey(to Phoebe) Look at you. Since when do you rollerblade?
PhoebeOh! Since tomorrow. I met this really cute guy in the park and he like you know, jogs, and blades, and swims, and so, you know we made a deal, he's gonna, teach me how to do all sorts of jock stuff.
RossAnd what are you gonna do for him?
PhoebeI'm gonna let him.
RossOk.
JoeyCool.
Monica(Entering from her bedroom) Morning.
AllHey.
RachelSomebody got in late last night.
MonicaYeah well, I, ran into Richard.
(They all gasp)
RossWhat?
RachelWhen did this happen?
MonicaOh, um, around 8:02. We ah, talked for a little while, and then um, we went out for an innocent burger.
PhoebeOh, there's no such thing as an innocent burger.
RossWhy, are you gonna see him again?
MonicaTomorrow night.
RachelMonica, what're you doing?
ChandlerWell, she spent the last six months getting over him, and now she's celebrating that by going on a date with him.
MonicaIt's not a date, ok? I'm just gonna teach him how to make lasagna for some potluck dinner he has.
JoeyWell, you might wanna make a little extra, because, you know, you'll probably be hungry after the sex.
MonicaWe're not gonna have sex! Ok, nothing's changed here. He still doesn't want children and I still do, so that's why we're just gonna be friends.
RossNaked friends. Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV. Rachel(Entering) Hey.
JoeyHey.
RachelDo you have any ice?
JoeyCheck the freezer. If there's none in there, then we're probably out. Are you just getting in from work? It's late.
RachelYeah, I know. I had the greatest day though, I got to sit in on the meeting with the reps from Calvin Klein. I-I told my boss I liked this line of lingerie, she ordered a ton of it. How was your day?
JoeyI discovered I'm able to count all of my teeth using just my tongue.
RachelHmm. (She opens the freezer) Umm, why do you have a copy of The Shining in your freezer?
JoeyOh, I was reading it last night, and I got scared, so.
RachelBut ah, you're safe from it if it's in the freezer?
JoeyWell, safer. You know, I mean I never start reading The Shining, without making sure we've got plenty of room in the freezer, you know.
RachelHow often do you read it?
JoeyHaven't you ever read the same book over and over again?
RachelWell, umm, I guess I read Little Women more than once. But I mean that's a classic, what's so great about The Shining?
JoeyThe question should be, Rach, what is not, so great about The Shining. Ok? And the answer would be: nothing. All right? This is like the scariest book ever. I bet it's way better than that classic of yours.
RachelOk. Ah, well, we'll just see about that, ok? I will read The Shining, (She tries to take the book away from him but he doesn't want to let it go) and you, will read Little Women.
JoeyAll right, you got it.
RachelAll right.
JoeyOk.
RachelOk.
JoeyAh, now Rach, these ah, these little women.
RachelYeah.
JoeyHow little are they? I mean, are they like scary little? Central Perk, Chandler and Ross are there. Chandler(Touching the couch) You know I love this fabric. I think I'm gonna have a suit made out of this. (Ross just stares at him.)
(Phoebe and Robert enter.)
PhoebeOh, Chandler, Ross, this is Robert.
ChandlerOh, hey.
RobertHi.
RossHey.
Phoebe(to Robert) You've have lipstick right here (Points to her cheek). Um, that's ok, it's mine, we just kissed.
RossOh.
Chandler(to Robert) So isn't it ah, a bit cold out for shorts?
RobertWell, I'm from California.
ChandlerRight, right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flame.
(Robert leans back on the arm of the chair and allows Chandler to see up his shorts and sees 'little Robert.' Chandler is horrified by this view.)
Chandler(Standing up) I'm up! I'm up, I've gotten up now! Anybody ah, want anything?
PhoebeI'll have coffee.
RobertYeah, me too.
RossYeah, make that three.
ChandlerOk, Ross, why don't you come with me?
RossOk. (Goes over to the counter) (to Chandler) What ah, what is the matter with you? What's going on?
ChandlerRobert's coming out.
RossWhat, what do you mean, what? Is he gay?
ChandlerWell. He...he's coming out of his shorts.
RossWhat?!
ChandlerThe man is showing brain.
RossAre you sure? (Chandler nods: Yes!) Hold on. (Walks over behind the couch) I'm sorry you guys, that was a coffee and a....
RobertCoffee.
RossOk.
RobertWe could write it down for you?
RossNo, no, that won't be ah, that won't be necessary (Leans down and looks up Robert's shorts, seeing Robert's package.)
Chandler(to Ross) Wellll?
RossYeah, yeah, yeah!
ChandlerWhat do we do? What do we do?
RossWell, I suppose we just, try to not look directly at it.
ChandlerLike an eclipse.
(Ross nods his head.) Monica and Rachel's, Monica is teaching Richard how to make lasagna. RichardSo when people compliment me on my cooking tonight, what do I say?
MonicaUh you say 'Thank you very much,' and then you buy me something pretty. Come on, we're gonna put our hands in this bowl, and we're gonna start squishing the tomatoes.
(They both start squishing the tomatoes.)
RichardEw, this feels very weird.
MonicaYou touch people's eyeballs every day and this feels weird.
RichardYeah, well, sure I touch them, but I spent years learning not to squish them. (Monica grabs his hand in the tomatoes.) That's my hand.
MonicaOh.
RichardOk.
MonicaGotta keep squishing.
RichardTomatoes are squishing.
MonicaOk.
(Richard squishes a little too hard and some lands on his shirt.)
RichardOp.
MonicaOh, gosh, you got some on your shirt.
RichardYeah.
MonicaHold on a second, ok, just put a little club soda on it (Does so) get it right away, should umm....do the trick.
(She is rubbing his chest and her voice trails off into silence, a long pause follows.)
RichardWhat?
MonicaUmm, you've got some on your pants.
RichardI'll just throw them out. Central Perk, Chandler is watching Joey read Little Women, Ross is also there. JoeyThese little women. Wow!
ChandlerYou're liking it, huh?
JoeyOh yeah! Amy just burned Jo's manuscript. I don't see how he could ever forgive her.
RossUmm, Jo's a girl, it's short for Josephine.
JoeyBut Jo's got a crush on Laurie. (Ross nods his head) Oh. You mean it's like a girl-girl thing? 'Cause that is the one thing missing from The Shining.
ChandlerNo-no, actually Laurie's a boy.
JoeyNo wonder Rachel had to read this so many times.
(Enter Phoebe and Robert)
PhoebeHey!
ChandlerHey.
RossHey! How'd the ah, basketball go?
PhoebeOh, ok, I learned how to shoot a layup, a foul shot, and a twenty-three-pointer.
ChandlerYou mean a three-pointer?
PhoebeOh, I get more because I'm dainty.
RobertSo, um, is there a phone here, I can check my messages?
PhoebeYeah, in the back. Do you want a quarter?
RobertOh, no, thanks. I always carry one in my sock.
(He puts his leg up on the couch to get the quarter, once again exposing himself to Chandler and Ross. In horror, Chandler, slides over and leans against Joey on the couch.)
Joey(Noticing Chandler) What're you doing? (He pushes Chandler back to his side of the couch) Get back over on your side of the... (sees Robert in all his glory) Hello!! (to Robert) Hi, I'm Joey, we haven't met.
RobertAh, good to meet you. Robert.
(Robert walks away and the guys all start laughing in front of Phoebe.)
PhoebeWhat? (The guys keep laughing.) What? You guys, what is going on? Do you not like Robert? (The guys keep laughing.) Why are you laughing?!
RossCalm down. There's no reason to get testy.
(The guys start laughing harder.)
PhoebeYou guys!! Come on!
ChandlerWe're sorry, We're sorry, it just seems that Robert isn't as concealed in the shorts area, as ah, one may 've hoped.
PhoebeWhat do you mean?
RobertHey. (sits down)
PhoebeHey.
JoeyUh Robert, could you ah, ha-uh, pass me those cookies?
RobertSure.
(He puts his leg up on the table to pass Joey the cookies, and Phoebe sees what the guys are laughing at, and gasps.)
RobertBall? (motions for Chandler to throw him the basketball)
ChandlerYeah! (on a different but obvious topic) Monica and Rachel's, Monica is talking to Richard on the phone. MonicaSo, how'd the lasagna go over? (Listens) Really?! Good. So you owe me three pretty things. (Listens) Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about you too. (Listens) I know. That's hard this whole platonomy thing. (Listens) It's a word!
(There's a knock on the door.)
MonicaYeah, I do think it's better this way. (Listens) Yeah, we're being smart. (Gets up to answer the door) (Listens) Yes, I'm sure.(She opens the door and it's Richard)
RichardYou really sure?
MonicaI'll call you back. (Starts kissing him) Monica's bedroom, she's in bed with Richard. MonicaSo we can be friends who sleep together.
RichardAbsolutely, this'll just be something we do, like racquetball.
MonicaSounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies?
RichardJust your dad. (Pause) Although that's actually racquetball. You know I-I do have a blind date with my sister's neighbor next Tuesday.
MonicaOh.
RichardYou want me to cancel it?
MonicaNo! (Pushes him) No!
RichardYeah.
Monica'Cause if you did that means you'd be canceling it for me...we're just friends.
RichardExactly. (Pushes her back)
MonicaAnd besides you know what? It wouldn't be fair anyway because uh, my mother is trying to set me up with some lawyer.
RichardSo who's this lawyer?
MonicaOh, no she doesn't actually have one. Uh, but she's looking. Central Perk, Robert is picking up Phoebe for a date. RobertHey.
PhoebeHey. Ooh! Don't sit down!
RobertReady to go to the batting cage?
PhoebeYeah you bet. And, first here's a gift.
RobertOh! Wow! Hey!
ChandlerStretchy pants! Why, those are the greatest things in the world! If I were you I would wear them every day, every day!
RobertJeez, thank you really that's, that's so nice. But um, to be honest, I don't think I can wear these, they're so tight, I feel like I'm on display. I'm sorry.
PhoebeThat's all right..uh..aw..I figured... (They start to leave as Joey enters.)
Robert(to Joey) Hey!
JoeyHey! (Starts to laugh.) How's it going?
RossGood.
JoeyHey, Rach, how're you doing with The Shining?
RachelOh, Danny just went into room 217.
JoeyOooh, the next part's the best, when that dead lady in the bathtub...
RachelOh, no, meh-nah-nah-nah, come on you're gonna ruin it!
JoeyAll right I'll talk in code. (to Ross and Chandler) Remember when the kid sees those two blanks in the hallway?
ChandlerHmmm, that's very cool.
JoeyOh, all blank, and no blank, make's blank a blank blank. Oh no-no-no, no, the end, when Jack almost kills them all with that blank, but then at last second they get away. Aww!
RachelJoey! I can't believe you just did that!
ChandlerI can't believe she cracked your code!
RachelAll right, ok, Laurie proposes to Jo, and she says no, even though she's still in love with him, and then he ends up marring Amy.
JoeyHey! Mine was by accident! All right, the boiler explodes and destroys the hotel, and kills the dad.
RachelEh. Beth dies.
(Joey recoils and gasps in horror.)
JoeyBeth, Beth dies?
RachelUm-hmm.
JoeyIs that true? If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
ChandlerNo, Beth doesn't die, she doesn't die. Does she Rachel?
RachelWhat?!
RossJoey's asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack Nicholson?
RachelNo. She doesn't die.
JoeyThen why would you say that?!
RachelBecause, I wanted to hurt you.
Robert(Running in) Oh, there they are! I-I dropped my keys.
(He bends over to pick them up, right in front of Rachel, who then gets a free peep show.)
Rachel(Gasps) Oh my....
RobertGot 'em. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is reading The Shining, as Monica enters. MonicaHi.
Rachel(Screams and grabs a potato masher to defend herself) Sorry. I'm sorry.
MonicaYou would not believe my day! I had to work two shifts, and then to top it off, I lost one of my fake boobs, (Opens her coat revealing a large burn mark over her left breast.) in a grill fire.
(Rachel starts laughing.)
MonicaWhat're you smiling at?
RachelI'm sorry, I was just thinking your day could still pick up.
MonicaYeah, right.
(She goes into her bedroom, and sees Richard who has covered the room in roses and has two glasses of wine and a rose between his lips.)
RichardHello.
MonicaI love this friend thing! Central Perk, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there. PhoebeListen, Robert's gonna be here any second. So, could one of you just tell him?
RossOh.
PhoebePlease, right now, no, every time I see him it's like 'Is it on the loose?' 'Is it watching me?'
ChandlerWe can't tell him, you can't go up to a guy you barely know and talk about his.... stuff.
RossHe's right, even if it's to say something complimentary. (He stops and thinks about what he just said.)
ChandlerWhy don't you just tell him? You're going out with him.
PhoebeOh no, way too awkward. No. I haven't even seen it with permission yet. So..so what do I do? Just, you know, break up with him?
RossI don't know. I think this is an unsolvable problem.
ChandlerIt's a curiat mariah. (Ross looks confused.) The unsolvable problem they gave to Captain Kirk as part of his training to be a starfleet commander.
RossCall it yashi maru.
ChandlerWhat's a curiat mariah?
RossIt's the place with the cheap rooms we stayed in Israel.
Robert(Entering) Hey!
PhoebeHey.
Robert(to Phoebe) So you ready for the gym? They got this new rock climbing wall, we can spot each other.
PhoebeNo, I can spot you from here.
RobertWhat?
PhoebeOk, listen, Robert...
Ross(to Chandler) Hey, don't we have to...
ChandlerYeah, we got, um-hmm.
PhoebeUmm, I think you're really, really great...
RobertOh...God! Here we go again. Why does this keep happening to me? (Spreads his legs) Is it something I'm putting out there? Is this my fault? Or am I just nuts?
PhoebeI-I-I-I-I don't know, I don't know what to say.
Gunther(Cleaning up the table) (to Robert) Hey buddy, this is a family place, put the mouse back in the house.
(Robert looks down and realizes the problem.) Richard's bedroom, Monica has covered it in rose pedals and candles. We hear Richard come in to the apartment, and Monica frantically throws the rest of the pedals on the bed, and jumps onto the bed and puts a rose in her mouth, and bites a thorn. MonicaOw!
Richard(Outside the bedroom) Really?! Well, it's just like everyone else's apartment. It's got rooms, walls, and ceilings.
Richard's Date{date - sb who you have a date with} Well, I just wanted to see where you lived. Now, give me the tour.
MonicaOh my God! Oh my God! (She frantically tries to clean up the bedroom as Richard starts the tour.)
RichardAh well, this is the living room.
Richard's DateImpressive.
RichardAll right. And this is the kitchen.
Richard's DateOh, that's real pretty. Wait a minute, don't I get to see the bedroom?
RichardThe bedroom. Well it's pretty much your typical... (Opens the door as Monica hides under the covers, and quickly closes the door before his date can see the room.) bedroom.
Richard's DateWe're still on this side of the door.
RichardUm-hmm.
Richard's DateYeah, but I didn't get to see it.
RichardOh shoot! Maybe next time. (Yawns) Thanks for a lovely evening. (shows her out)
[Cut to into the bedroom, with Monica still hiding under the covers. Richard enters and sits down next to her.]
Monica(Still hiding under the blankets) So um, who-who is she?
RichardOh, (Laughs) that was the blind date that I told you about, she called and switched it from Tuesday.
Monica(Still hiding under the blankets) Ah...Did you like her? And I'm just asking as a friend, because I am totally fine with this.
RichardWell, you seem fine.
Monica(Gets up) Ok, you know what, I'm not fine, I'm not. I mean how can I be fine, hearing you come in with her, she wants to see your bedroom...(Pause) You know what, what if we're friends who don't see other people?
RichardYou mean like exclusive friends?
MonicaWhy not?! I mean this's been the most amazing week. I mean, would it be so terrible? Even if we were friends who, who lived together. Or, maybe someday friends who, who stood up in front of their other friends, and vowed to be friends forever.
RichardWow. You know we're back where we were. Honey, I would love to do all that, but nothing's changed.
MonicaThat's not true, you don't have a moustache.
RichardOk, ok, one thing's changed. But we still want different things and we know how this is gonna end.
MonicaYou know what, I gotta walk out of here right now, 'cause getting over you is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. Um, I don't think I could do it again.
RichardI know I couldn't.
MonicaYeah.
RichardSo...
(Monica kisses him.)
MonicaHow about one last game of racquetball?
(They both kiss, and Richard picks her up and goes over to the bed and starts to lie down.)
MonicaWatch the thorns!
Richard(Lying down) Ow!! Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, and he's very dejected. RachelWhat?
JoeyBeth is really, really sick.
RachelAwwww.
JoeyJo's there, but I don't think there's anything she could do.
(Rachel hugs him)
RachelJoey?
JoeyYeah.
RachelYou wanna put the book in the freezer?
Joey(Nodding his head) Ok.
RachelOk.
(Joey hands her the book and she puts it in the freezer.)

Written by Michael Borkow; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp