Central Perk, the gang, except Rachel, is watching a new singer.
Singer(Singing) 'Cause every time I see your face, I can't help but fall from grace. I know.....
JoeyWow! This girl is good.
PhoebeOh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before.
ChandlerI like her.
Phoebe(to Chandler) Why? 'Cause she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time?
ChandlerWell, that's pretty much all I'm looking for from these people.
Monica(to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous.
RossYeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. You know, she's more...(Shakes his shoulders, like he's dancing) you know, and you're more (Sees the look from Phoebe and stops)
Singer(Singing) Beside meeeee-eeee-ee. (Everyone applauds her).
PhoebeOk, see, see, everyone else is happy she's done.
SingerOk, my next song's called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn't Have Left You That Way.
(The gang all looks at Phoebe.)
PhoebeOh no, one of those 'look for the hidden meaning' songs.
Central Perk, later.
PhoebeHey Leslie, how'd you know I'd be here?
LeslieI ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm....
Chandler(to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I'd like know whether that's several big fish or just one big fish.
Joey(to Leslie) So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles.
PhoebeActually I said she abandoned me to write jingles.
Joey(to Leslie) Ah, anything we might've heard of?
LeslieAh, yeah, umm. (Singing) Home is never far away...
Monica, Ross, and Joey(Joining in) Home is Home Star Stew.
LeslieYeah, but, I don't do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn't come up with anything good, so they fired me.
LeslieWell, I, you know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and just hoping, that umm, maybe you'd wanna get back together?
PhoebeNo. But thanks.
LeslieAw come on Phoebe would you just think about it?
PhoebeOk. No. But thanks.
LeslieOk, ah, see you Pheebs. (Leaves)
Joey(to Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal.
PhoebeWell ok, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right? Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, you know. I'm just very cold, hard, unyielding, you know, nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a tissue, please?
Outside the bathroom, Chandler is pacing back and forth, waiting to use it.
Gunther(to Chandler) Someone in there?
ChandlerNo. This is just part of a daredevil game that I play called 'wait until the last moment before I burst and die.'
(The door opens.)
ChandlerJeez, man did you fall..(Sees it's a beautiful woman coming out of the men's room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall, hi
WomanSomeone was in the ladies' room, I couldn't wait. I left the lid up for ya though.
(Gunther walks up)
Chandler(to Gunther) You know what, Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I'm-I'm talking to ah, (Tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name.
ChandlerGinger. I'm talking to Ginger, so....
GingerDon't you have to use the bathroom?
ChandlerNope, nope, I'd just ah, I'd rather uh talk to you. (Pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to bathroom. (Knocks on the door)
GuntherSomeone in here.
Central Perk, the gang's putting their coats on to leave.
JoeyAh, he can't make it, he said he had to go back to his uh jobs and do... (Sees Ginger) Whoa-oh! (Hides behind the coat rack.)
GingerJoey? Joey Tribbiani?
(She walks over behind the coat rack, but Joey picks it up and moves it so that he's still behind it, and she can't see him.)
GingerJoey I can see you ok? You're hiding behind the coats.
(Joey puts his finger over his mouth to tell Ross to keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica who looks away and leave.)
JoeyHaaw, close one.
Rachel's office, Mark is packing his stuff into a box.
RachelI've got some bad news.
RachelI can get a quick bite to eat, but then I'm gonna have to come back up here.
RossCome on sweetie! You've had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time?
MarkActually, it's kinda my fault. I-I quit today.
Ross(to Rachel) But work comes first! (to Mark) Oh hey, but that's sad about you though, what happened? What happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya?
RachelNooo, he's leaving for a better job.
RossOh well that's great, so I guess this is ah, this is goodbye then. Huh? (Picks a pad up off Rachel's desk and tosses it into his box) Goodbye.
RachelWell, we're gonna miss you around here.
MarkYeah, me too.
(Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesn't let go, so she can only put one arm around him.)
MarkSo, see ya Saturday.
RachelYeah, you bet.
(Ross is shocked, but Rachel drags him out of the office.)
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are playing with a Ouija board, Phoebe's beeper goes off and Monica screams.
PhoebeOh. (Takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the oven)
MonicaYou know those are a delicacy in India.
PhoebeYeah, that was Leslie, calling again to see if we can get back together. That's the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie!
MonicaWow, she must've hurt you pretty bad, huh?
PhoebeWell yeah! You know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our Moms worked on the barge together.
MonicaOh, you two must 've been so cute running around on a barge.
PhoebeYou never run on a barge!
Phoebe and MonicaHey.
JoeyIs ah, is Chandler around?
MonicaNo, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house.
MonicaYeah, Ginger something.
JoeyNooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn't something that sounded like Ginger, like ah, Gingeer?
MonicaNo, it was Ginger. I remember, because when he told me, I said, (Singing) 'the movie star.'
JoeyAww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did.
MonicaWell, what did you do?
JoeyWhat, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life.
PhoebeWoah! You're really not making us wanna hear it less.
MonicaBut you know what? Don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler gets home, (to Phoebe) because it'll be more fun that way.
JoeyAw...Ok, it was like four years ago. Ok, Ginger and I'd gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad's cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well, that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner...
MonicaYou gave her food poisoning!?
JoeyI wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log.
PhoebeOh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire!
JoeyI wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should've told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg.
(Phoebe and Monica both stand up and gasp.)
MonicaOh my God!
PhoebeYou threw it on the fire?
MonicaWhat, she must've freaked out!
PhoebeYou don't know?
MonicaJoey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?
JoeyYeah, through the woods, with no socks on.
A street, Chandler is kissing Ginger.
ChandlerWell, that's the best kiss I've had with anybody I met in a men's room.
GingerActually, me too.
Chandler(Sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle.
GingerOh damn, I hate that.
ChandlerYeah, we're gonna have to get you out of those shoes.
GingerOh, don't worry about it.
ChandlerNo, really, you're gonna, you're gonna freeze.
GingerNo, I'm not.
ChandlerHuh, you're not? what do you, what do you got, a bionic foot?
Ross's bedroom, Rachel getting into bed while Ross is reading and laughs.
RossHmmm. Oh, no, no, I'm just thinking about something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark, Mark saying 'I'll see you Saturday.'
RachelYeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn't mind.
RossOh, no, no, no, it's-it's not the lecture ah, I mind, umm....
RachelOh, please tell me it's not because I'm going with Mark.
RachelOh my God!! Ross!!
RossWell, I'm sorry, but ah, look if you're not working with him anymore, I, why do you still have to do stuff with him?
RachelBecause, he's my friend.
RossOk, but do you really need another friend? I mean...
RachelOk, well, if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?
RossIs that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing?
RachelI don't know, you thought 'See you Saturday' was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion ok? I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never wanna go to a lecture with me.
RossPa-haa!! I would love to go with you.
RossYeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion... monger.
RachelOk. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. (Ross has a worried look on his face) What?
RossWhat should I wear, now I'm all nervous.
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is looking at her beeper still in the pot. She takes it out, shakes it, and puts it back in.
MonicaYou know they say a watched pot never beeps.
PhoebeIt's just you know, it's been a couple of hours, and... she hasn't called. Not that I even care. I don't
MonicaPhoebe why don't you just call her? You obviously want to.
PhoebeYou think you know me so well.
MonicaWell, don't you wanna?
MonicaOk, so I do know you.
PhoebeThat's what I said.
PhoebeI can't. I can't. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her and then one day it was 'Ok, bye Pheebs'...Gone. You know the saddest part is-is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I've ever had in like all my lives.
Central Perk, Leslie is singing.
Leslie(Singing) My favorite shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in the toes. Don't care what people say. My feet's best friends, pals to the end. With them I'm one hot chickie. Though late one night, not much light, I...
(Phoebe runs in and joins her.)
Phoebe(Singing) I stepped in something icky.
Phoebe and Leslie(Singing) Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile. Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I'll.... avoid the..... pillleeeee.
The lecture, Rachel is listening closely, Ross is bored out of his mind.
LecturerWe're beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colors. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink....
Ross(to Rachel) I'm really glad we came. (Rachel smiles and rubs his arm) You're so pretty. I love you.
RachelOh. (Puts her hand over his mouth)
Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Leslie how to sing Smelly Cat.
Phoebe(Singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault.
LeslieWow, that's great.
LeslieYou know you could totally sell this. It'd be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign.
PhoebeI..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no.
LeslieWhat? Why not? You make a ton of money.
PhoebeOk, well, if I was in this for the money, I would be a millionaire by now, you know. Yeah, you-you just gotta get out of that jingle head sweetie.
LeslieAh, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
PhoebeThat's ok. All right, I'm gonna play a song now that's really, really sad. Ok, it's called Magician Box Mix Up. (She turns her guitar upside down to play it.)
The lecture, Ross passed out against Rachel's shoulder.
Lecturer....oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general is very popular now.
(Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel. The guy next to him starts laughing, which starts Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he stops.)
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading the newspaper.
MonicaOh, can I borrow this? (Points to his milk) My milk's gone bad.
ChandlerOh, I hate that. I once had a thing for half and half, stole my car.
MonicaSo umm, how was your date with Ginger?
ChandlerGreat. It was great. She's ah, she's great, great looking, great personality, she's greatness.
MonicaSounds like she's got the ah, whole package.
MonicaSo she's got it all, huh? She's the real deal?
ChandlerJoey told you about the leg, huh?
ChandlerOh God, it freaked me out. Ok, I know it shouldn't have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don't wanna stop seeing her, but every so often it's like 'Hey, you know what, where's your leg?' I mean I'm the smallest person in the world aren't I? I'm the smallest person in the world.
RachelFor the most part, look, if you take this monkey, I will lose one of the most important people in my life. You can hate me if you want, but please do not punish him. Come on, Luisa, you have a chance to be the bigger person here! Take it!}
Joey(Entering from his bedroom) Morning.
Chandler(to Monica) Actually he's the smallest person in the world.
Joey(to Chandler) Heard about the leg burning huh?
ChandlerIt came up.
JoeyListen, I ah, I know it's a long shot. But, by any chance did she find that funny?
(Both Chandler and Monica walk away in disgust.)
Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are getting back from the lecture.
Ross(Entering) So I nodded off a little.
RachelNodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks!
RossCome on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses.
RachelWell, ok, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he's 'Hey everybody! Remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years. Well there's this little bone we didn't know it had!'
RossFirst of all it's Professor Pitain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn't fly.
RachelOk, see now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah.
RossYou know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka.
RachelOh, that is so...
RossNo-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound, then he realizes that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake it off, thinking it's alive and attacking him.)
RachelYou know, if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn't go with Mark?
RossNo. I... I wanted to be with you. I don't know, I feel like lately, I feel like you're slipping away from me, you know? With this new job, and all these new people, and got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it's dumb, but I, I just hate that I'm not a part of it.
RachelIt's not dumb. But, maybe it's ok that you're not a part of it. You know what I mean? (Ross looks confused) I mean it's like, I-I-I like that you're not involved in that part of my life.
RossThat's a little clearer.
RachelHoney see, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it's-it's for me you know, I'm out there, on my own, and I'm doing it and it's scary but I love it, because it's mine. I, but, I mean is that ok?
RossSure, I-I-I... (hugs her and mouths No!!)
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Ginger are eating dinner.
GingerYou're thinking about my leg aren't you?
ChandlerNo. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again?
GingerIt's ok if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is: 'How much it bothers you?' because I don't like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time?
ChandlerNo. No. I don't think so.
GingerOk. It's just like anything else, you just have to get used to it.
(They start making out. She opens his shirt and feels inside and stops.)
ChandlerThat's-that's my nubbin.
GingerWhat's a nubbin?
ChandlerIt's kind of a ah, a third nipple kinda thing.
GingerYou have three nipples?
ChandlerWell, you know, two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (Starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what?
GingerNothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave.
ChandlerYou ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come?
GingerAh well, it's nubbin. Nothing! Umm. You know what, Um-um-I'll see you later. Ok. (She leaves and in the hall we see her shake her shoulders like when someone runs their fingernails across a blackboard.)
Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing as Leslie enters.
Phoebe(to Leslie) Oh, I thought you weren't coming. What? Where were you?
LeslieCome here, come here. (They go to the side of the stage) Ok, don't get mad, ok?
PhoebeOk, don't give me a reason to get mad, ok.
LeslieI played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.
PhoebeNo, look, I-I told you that I didn't want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, you know what, I think five years ago I probably would've done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself all right? And if I can't trust you then just forget it.
LeslieNo, no, I don't wanna forget it.
PhoebeOk you know what, you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, ok you can have Smelly Cat, but we won't be partners. So what's it gonna be?
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Joey are watching TV.
Commercial(in the background their singing Smelly Cat) Problem odor in the litter box? Don't change your kitty, change your kitty litter.
(Monica gets up and shuts off the TV.)
JoeyYeah. You ok?
PhoebeYeah. I actually am, yeah. 'Cause you know life-life's gonna hand you all kinds of stuff, you know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song?
MonicaOh, we'd love too.
PhoebeOk. (Singing) 'Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.' That's all I have so far.
Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang except Chandler is there.
Chandler(Entering, happily) Well hello!
JoeyWhere have you been?
RossIs everything ok?
ChandlerOh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting.
MonicaWow! It's like Rachel in high school.
MonicaCome on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke!
ChandlerThat was an obvious joke, and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!
Written by Wil Calhoun; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp