Monica and Rachel's, Joey is taking a jar of olives out of the fridge. Joey(to Monica) Hey, how much will you give me to eat this whole jar of olives?
MonicaI won't give you anything, but you'll owe me 2.95.
JoeyDone.
Phoebe(Entering) Hey. I need an atlas! I need an atlas!
MonicaWhy? (in a mother-like tone) Do you have a report due?
PhoebeI have a date with this diplomat I met while I was giving free massages outside the UN and, I don't know where his country is.
MonicaOk, let's start with the free messages outside the UN.
PhoebeOh!! That's my new thing. I figure bodies at peace, make peace.
MonicaWow! You might just get the first Nobel prize in rubbing. So what country is this guy from?
PhoebeIck-neck-tree-anis..... There's a 'g' in there.
MonicaWhere's that?
PhoebeIn your atlas!
MonicaI don't have an atlas.
PhoebeOh.
MonicaOh, but wait I do have a globe.
PhoebeOh.
MonicaHold on.
JoeySo, Pheebs what's this guy like?
PhoebeUmm, well he's very dashing, you know, and umm, very, very sophisticated, and he doesn't speak any English, but according to his translator, he totally gets me.
MonicaOk, here you go. (Hands her this tiny little globe.)
PhoebeWhat is this?
MonicaIt's a globe, and a pencil sharpener.
(Phoebe puts the globe right up next to her eye to try and find the country.)
Joey(with olives on each of his right hand fingers) People of Earth, surrender! (Monica and Phoebe look at him puzzled.) Giant alien. Five tiny heads. (Wiggles his fingers) (Both still just stare at him)
Chandler(Entering) Hey, anybody need anything copied? I'm going down to the Xerox place.
MonicaOh, no thanks.
ChandlerOk listen, just give me anything I can make two of.
MonicaWell, if you don't have anything to copy, why're you going down there?
JoeyYeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the belly button ring again?
ChandlerYeah! You wanna come?
JoeyYeah! The Xerox place, Chandler and Joey are waiting in line. ChandlerCome on Chloe! Finish up with your customer first. Come on Chloe! Come on Chloe!!
Issac(to Chandler and Joey) Can I help you?
ChandlerUh-oh.
JoeyUh, you know what, we're having second thoughts about ourrr copying needs. And we'll need a little more time to think about it.
IssacChloe, you switch with me, there's some guys here got a crush on you.
Chandler(to Joey) Ok, that hurt us.
ChloeHi you guys. I haven't seen you since this morning.
ChandlerWell ah (Pause) you know.
ChloeHey, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?
JoeyBoth of us? (Points to Chandler and himself)
ChloeMaybe. Does that scare ya?
(They both start laughing. They look at each other, stop and step apart a little bit.)
ChloeRelax. It's just Issac's DJ-ing at the Philly. You should come.
JoeyUh, we'll be there.
ChloeGreat. I'll ah, see you then.
ChandlerAll right, rock on. (Does the 'Hang 10' sign, then hides his face in shame.) A Street, Phoebe is walking along with the diplomat (Sergei) and his translator (Mischa). Sergei(Something in Russian or Polish)
MischaHe says that 'Walking with you makes this strange city feel like home.'
PhoebeOh, me too. Although this city is my home, so. So that's dumb what I said, don't tell him I said that. Umm, just, you make something up. (Mischa does so and Sergei kisses her hand.) Nice, (to Mischa) thank you. This is me. Here.
(Sergei goes up to her at her door and says something.)
Mischa(Leaning in) Your eyes are very pretty.
Phoebe(to Mischa) Thank you, very much! Oh! (to Sergei) Thank you!
(Sergei says something and leans in to kiss her, but just as he's about to....)
Mischa(Leaning in) He would like to kiss you.
Phoebe(to Mischa) Ok, you know what, you don't have to do that now. (Mischa translates that to Sergei) No-no-no-no!! Not him, you don't! (Mischa tells Sergei he can proceed and steps away) Ok, the moment's over.
(Sergei says something and kisses her.)
PhoebeOh.
MischaOy! Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is showing Monica where Sergei's country is. Phoebe(Pointing to the globe) See there it is right there.
MonicaWow! It's small.
PhoebeYeah. But Sergei said it took the German six weeks to get all the way across it.
MonicaSo you had fun, huh?
PhoebeYeah. Except for, you know when you're on a date and you're getting along really great but the guy's translator keeps getting in the way.
MonicaNo.
Ross(Entering) Hey.
Phoebe and MonicaHey.
RossWhat is ah, Rach in her room?
MonicaOh no, she's still at work, but she told me to tell you to call her.
RossOh what?! Is she gonna cancel on me again?! How can she do this? Doesn't she know it's our anniversary?
MonicaAll right ah, Ross, this is the extent of my knowledge on the subject. (Holds up a notepad) Call Rachel.
RossWhat's that on the bottom?
MonicaOh that's my doodle of a ladybug, with a top hat. (to Phoebe) She's fancy.
(Ross calls Rachel)
Rachel(Answering her phone at work) Hello.
RossHey, honey.
RachelOh, hi.
RossHey, what's uh, how's it going?
RachelWell, kind of having an underwear emergency.
Ross(Nervously) Oh yeah? What happened? Someone scare you? Make you laugh too hard? [Bladder Control Problems in Young Women]
RachelThere was a disaster in shipping and I've gotta get this order in. Honey, I'm so sorry, but it looks like I'm gonna be here all night.
RossWhat, do you, well umm, oh how about I come up there?
RachelNo-no-no, no, honey please, I've got, I just have so much to deal with.
[Cut to kitchen.]
Phoebe(to Monica) Anyway, I'm going out with Sergei again tonight, and um, could you come and be the translator's date? So that when we, you know, it's time for our alone time, you two could split off. You know, he's really, he's kinda cute.
MonicaYeah, well kinda cute, like really kind of cute, or kind of cute like your friend Spackle Back Larry?
PhoebeHey, don't call him that! His name is Spackle Back Harry! Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the big couch. ChandlerHey, you know what, maybe we should get going. I mean what time did Chloe say we should be there?
JoeyUh, 10:30.
ChandlerWhat time is it now?
Joey4:30.
ChandlerYeah all right, so we'll hang out.
JoeyYeah. Hey, remember when she brought up that thing about, you know, the three of us?
ChandlerYes. Vividly.
JoeyShe was kidding about that right?
ChandlerYeah, I-I-I think so. (Pauses and thinks about it for a second) Yeah, I-I think so...
JoeyGotta be weird if that situation presented itself tonight, huh?
ChandlerYeah. Yeah, I mean uh, what, what would we do?
JoeyDude, I don't know.
ChandlerShe was kidding.
JoeyYeah.
ChandlerShe was.... But you know what, just in case, maybe we should come up with a set of ground rules.
JoeyYeah, for sure. Ok. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. You know, because, you don't wanna be doing something and then look up, all right? and see something that you don't wanna be seeing.
ChandlerYeah. Good call, nice. Hold it! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there.... (Holds his arm out and pretends to grab something with his hand.)
JoeyAh!! Ok! Eyes open at all times! Oh, hey, how do we decide where we... (Clears throat) you know each would, (Clears throat again) you know (Pause) be?
ChandlerRight. Right. Well ah, you know we could flip for it.
JoeyYeah, I guess, but like what's heads, what's tails?
ChandlerWell if you don't know that, then I don't wanna do this with you. Rachel's office, Rachel and a co-worker (Sophie) are dealing with the crisis. Rachel(on the phone) No, no, no, I am looking at a purchase order right here and it clearly states that we ordered the Rivera bikini in a variety of sizes and colors. And...(Listens) What does it matter what I'm wearing?! Can I please speak to your supervisor? (Listens) Thank you. (to Sophie) We're holding.
Ross(Entering, carrying a basket) Hi!
Rachel(Startled) Oh!! My God, what're you doing here?
RossWell you said you couldn't go out so...(Pulls the cover off of the basket)
SophieYou brought a picnic, oh, what a boyfriend. That's it, on Monday I start wearing make-up.
RachelRoss, honey, this is very nice, but, but I-I got a crisis.
RossYeah, but I got couscous!
RachelHoney, honey, I'm sorry, I know it's our anniversary but I told you on the phone I don't have time to stop.
RossOk, you don't have to stop, I'm invisible, I'm not here. (Lights a candle)
RachelYeah! But I don't, hmm... (on phone) Oh, who approved that order?! (Listens) Well there is no Mark Robinson in this office. (to Sophie) Get me Mark on the phone!
SophieI love Mark. (to Ross) Do you know Mark?
RossYeah!!
RachelWell, let me just check that with what I got here, all right see 038 is not the number for (Ross starts making a lot of noise with a handheld pepper grinder) this store, 038 is Atlanta. And I...(Stops and looks at Ross)
Ross(Stopping grinding) Pepper?
Rachel(Angrily) None for me.
RossOk sorry, whew.
RachelI'm sorry, as I was saying, the store number is wrong, and I'm sorry but that's... (Notices a fire that Ross's candle has started) Oh my God!!
Ross(Putting out the fire with a squeeze bottle of water) Ok, oh yeah. Oh yeah.
Rachel(on phone) Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to call you back, I've got Shemp in my office. (Hangs up) (to Ross) What are you doing?
RossI'm sorry. But ah, hey, oh, somebody's off the phone, how about a glass of wine, by the fire, I gotta go it again if you-
RachelRoss, you're not listening to me, I don't have time to stop.
RossCome on Rach, you don't have what, ten minutes?
RachelI don't have ten minutes!!
RossWhat? (to Sophie) Sophie, does she have ten minutes?
RachelHey, Ross! I told you, I don't!
RossDon't yell at me ok, this is the most I've seen you all week.
RachelLook, I cannot do this right now, ok? I've got a deadline, would you just go home, I'll talk to you later. (Storms out)
RossYeah, but wait...
RachelGoodbye!
(Ross starts to pack up the picnic in anger, and throws a three hole punch in the basket.)
SophieActually, that's our three hole punch. Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work. RossHi.
RachelHi. Look um, about what happened earlier...
RossNo, hey, well, I-I completely understand. You were, you were stressed.
Rachel(Throws her stuff down) I was gonna give you a chance to apologize to me.
RossFor what? For letting you throw me out of your office?
RachelYou had no right coming down to my office Ross. You do not bring a picnic basket to somebody's work! Unless maybe they were a park ranger!
RossYeah, well excuse me for wanting to be with my girlfriend on our anniversary, boy what an ass am I.
RachelBut I told you, I didn't have the time!
RossYeah, well you never have the time. I mean, I don't feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore, Rachel.
RachelOh, Ross, what do you want from me? You want me, you want me to quit my job so you can feel like you have a girlfriend?
RossNo, but it'd be nice if you realized, it's just a job!
RachelJust a job!
RossYes.
RachelRoss, do you realize this is the first time in my life I'm doing something I actually care about. This is the first time in my life I'm doing something that I'm actually good at? I mean if you don't get that...
RossNo, hey, I get that, ok, I get that big time. And I'm happy for you, but I'm tired of having a relationship with your answering machine! Ok, I don't know what to do anymore.
RachelWell neither do I!
RossIs this about Mark?
Rachel(Shocked) Oh! Oh my God.
RossOk, it's not, it's not.
RachelOh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight over and over again, Ross, no, you're, you're, you're making this too hard.
RossOh I'm, I'm making this too hard. Ok, what do you want me to do.
RachelI don't know, I don't know. Look, Urrrgh! Maybe we should just take a break.
RossOk, ok, fine, you're right. Let's ah, let's take a break, (Goes to the door) let's cool off, ok, let's get some frozen yogurt or something.. (Opens the door)
RachelNo. (Ross is standing in the doorway.) A break from us.
(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.) The Philly, Chandler and Joey are talking to Chloe. ChloeAnd the advances in collating in the past five years, I mean we just got in an X-5000, you know. The X-5000 makes the X-50 look like a T-71. (She's talking about photocopiers/copiers/copy machines.)
(Chandler agrees in an absolutely bored way.)
Chloe(Seeing Ross enter) Hey, it's the dinosaur guy. (Runs over to Ross) Hi, Ross.
RossOh, hi Chloe.
ChloeI want you to meet some friends of mine. (Introduces him to Chandler and Joey) This guy is my hero, he comes in with some stuff he wants it blown up 400%, we said we don't do that, he says you gotta. And you know what, we did it. And now anytime anybody wants 400, we just say 'let's Ross it!'
ChandlerAnd that's the only color that comes in.
IssacYo, Chloe, do you have a quarter for the condom machine?
ChloeOh! (Storms off)
ChandlerSo, what're you doing here? I thought tonight was your big anniversary dinner.
RossYeah, little change in plans. Ahh, we're gonna break up instead.
(Chandler and Joey stare at each other in shock.) A Restaurant, Monica and Phoebe are on their dates with Sergei and Mischa. MonicaOh, and I can also speak a little French. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? (Mischa Laughs) Why? What did I say?
MischaWell, you just asked if I wanted to go to bed with you tonight.
MonicaOh my God! No wonder I get such great service at Café Maurice.
Phoebe(Laughing and banging her spoon on the table) Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock hi. Um, could you please tell Sergei that um, I was fascinated by what Boutros Boutros Ghali said in the New York Times?
(Mischa does so.)
PhoebeYou didn't say Boutros Boutros Ghali.
Mischa(to Sergei) Boutros Boutros Ghali.
(Sergei responds.)
MischaHe says he was too.
PhoebeInteresting.
Mischa(to Monica) So I was wondering....
PhoebeOk, ah, before you get all talky again, umm, could you also please tell Sergei, that I really like his suit.
(Mischa does so, and Sergei compliments Phoebe, and says it slowly)
Mischa(to Phoebe, very quickly) Eh, he said, thank you very much, he thinks you look very pretty tonight, your hair, golden like the sun. (to Monica) So you're a chef?
MonicaI'm also thinking about opening up my own restaurant.
MischaOh, really.
PhoebeMonica, can I talk to you behind my menu, please. (Behind the menu) What were you doing?
MonicaWell, I was having a conversation.
PhoebeYeah but, Mischa is so interested in you, that Sergei and I haven't been able to say two words to each other.
MonicaWhat do you want me to do? To sit here silently while the three of you have a conversation?
PhoebeThat would be great. Thank you. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is lying in front of the bay window, and the phone rings. Rachel(Jumping up to answer the phone) Hello!
MarkOh, hi. It's Mark.
Rachel(Disappointed) Oh.
MarkWhat? Is it my breath?
RachelNo! Sorry, I just thought you were somebody else. Hi!
MarkHi. Well, look, I was just gonna leave a message, isn't tonight your, your big anniversary dinner?
RachelWell, umm...
MarkRach, are you ok?
Rachel(on the verge of tears) Yeah, I'm fine.
MarkYou wanna talk, I mean I can come over?
RachelNo! Really, no, please, that's, that's ok.
MarkAll right, all right, I'm coming over, and I'm bringing Chinese food.
RachelOh, yeah, I'm not, I'm not hungry.
MarkIt's for me.
RachelOh. Ok, bye. The Philly. JoeySo what're you gonna do?
RossWhat can I do? One person wants to break up, you break up.
ChandlerHey, no way! Come on, this is you guys, call her and work it out.
RossOh come on, we just had this huge fight, all right? don't I have to wait a while?
ChandlerHey, this isn't like swimming after you eat, pick up the phone!!
(Ross goes to call her.)
ChandlerYou know that whole swimming thing is a myth.
JoeyYeah, tell that to my Uncle Lenny.
ChandlerWhy? What happened to him?
JoeyNothing, he just really believes in that. Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes. RachelOh, and then, we got into this big stupid fight. I just, it was awful. I told him he treats me like a park ranger, or something, oh and then, aw, I told him I wanted to take a break, I don't wanna take a break.
MarkWow. I'm sorry. Egg roll?
RachelNo. (Grabs an egg roll) And then I called him, and he wasn't there.
MarkWell, then he's, he's probably just, out.
RachelOh, thank you that's very helpful, I'm glad you came over.
(The phone rings and Rachel answers it.)
RachelHello.
RossHi! It's me.
RachelHi! Oh, I'm so glad you called.
RossReally? I've been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don't, don't you think we can work on this?
MarkHey, what do you wanna drink?
RossWho's that?
RachelNobody.
MarkIs it ok if I finish the apple juice?
(Rachel mouths 'Shoot!' or something similar.)
RossIs that Mark?
RachelUmm, honey, look, he just came over to....
[Cut to The Philly.]
RossYeah! Got it! (Slams the phone down, and walks back to the bar.)
ChloeHey, dinosaur guy, look at you so sad. Come dance.
RossAh, that's ok, thanks.
ChloeHey, you don't have to smile. You just have to dance.
RossLook, I don't feel like dancing, I feel like having a drink. Ok?
ChloeOh, ok. (to the bartender) Hey, two beers. (sits down next to him)
(The camera pans over to Joey and Chandler who are still dancing.)
JoeyOk, now we're just dancing with each other.
(They both decide to move to the back of the huge crowd while dancing.) The Restaurant, after dinner. Mischa(to Monica) And the vet said it was time. And so from half a world away, while my Mother held the phone to his ear, I said goodbye to my dog, in seven languages.
MonicaOh. (to Phoebe) Can I have a tissue?
PhoebeOh, yeah, sure. I just, hope you, don't accidentally suck it up through your nose and choke on it.
(Sergei says something to Mischa.)
Mischa(to Phoebe) Sergei, would like to apologize for my behavior tonight.
PhoebeWell, tell him, apology accepted.
(Mischa does so.)
Mischa(to Monica) Oh, he's unbelievable. I mean for the first time in three years someone actually wants to talk to me, but do you think he would let me enjoy that, no!! (to Sergei) You silly diplomat, why don't you learn some English, Sergei?
PhoebeExcuse me, but umm, isn't he paying for your dinner?
MonicaHey, the man's dog just died.
(Sergei insults Mischa, and they get into a huge fight, in Russian.)
Mischa(to Monica) I have just resigned my post. Would you care to accompany me to the Rainbow Room? I have diplomatic coupons.
MonicaIt will be my pleasure. (to Phoebe) My guy has coupons. Your guy can't even say coupons. (They leave)
SergeiUh, (Picks up a plate) plate.
PhoebePlate! Yes, plate.
SergeiPlate. Plate. Plate.
PhoebeSee, we don't need them.
Sergei(Picking up a cup) Plate?
PhoebeYeah.
The Philly, "With or Without You" is playing. (Which is the same song Ross played for Rachel in 208.) Ross(to Chloe) I like this song.
ChloeWell, you're practically dancing already. Why don't you just do it over here?
RossOh, no.
ChloeWhat? Are you married? 'Cause that's ok. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is next to the bay window again, Mark has left. Rachel(picks up the phone and calls Ross) Oh, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home, be home. Be home. Be home, be home. Oh, you're not home. The Philly, Ross is dancing with Chloe. ChloeStill no smile? (She kisses him. Ross leans back for a second, and then they both kiss, more passionately this time as U2's With or Without You plays in the background.)
TO BE CONTINUED Central Perk, Sergei is teaching Phoebe how to sing American Pie, by Don McLean. (Both Phoebe and him are singing along and they get to the chorus.)
Sergei(Singing) Tuchi, tuchi, Miss Americccan pie. (Stops to correct Phoebe) Ameri-ccan.
PhoebeAmeri-can.
SergeiAmeri-ccan.
PhoebeAmeri-can. You know it's a very hard language. Let's do it again.
(They start singing, and Phoebe covers her mouth at the American part.)
Sergei(To the rest of Central Perk) Hi-tu-che-ba-yo!! (Continues.)

Written by Michael Borkow; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp