Central Perk, Gunther is pouring Rachel coffee. GuntherHere you go.
RachelThank you.
Gunther(In his head) Say Rachel, I was wondering if you'd like to go to a movie with me sometime. As my lover! Nnnsch, too out there. Maybe you just 'd like to ah, get something to eat with me sometime? As my lover.
Mark(Entering) Hi!
RachelHi! All right, let's go shopping!! I got a positive balance on my credit card and I wanna use it up before Citibank goes under.
MarkGood idea. Good idea. Um, before we go, you know, there's, there's something I need to say.
RachelOh, ok.
MarkI've kind of had this ah, this crush on you. (Rachel is shocked) But since you were with Ross, I-I didn't do anything about it. But, now that you're not, I'd really like to ask you out sometime. So-so that's-that's what I'm doing, now.
(Gunther gets this hurt expression on his face and goes into the back room)
RachelWow! Umm....
(She's interrupted by a loud crash and the sound of braking dishes. Followed quickly by another crash. Everyone turns and looks at the back room, as Gunther emerges.)
GuntherI dropped a cup. The hallway between the two apartments, Pete and Monica are returning from their date. Pete...so you know, that's why, within a few years, that voice recognition is gonna be pretty much standard on any computer you buy. You know, so you could be like-like, 'Wash my car.' 'Clean my room.' It's not gonna be able to do any of those things, but it'll understand what you're saying.
MonicaOh wow. Would it be able to recognize my voice (in a granny-type of voice) ??? dear?
PeteOh yeah. It-it'll understand you, but it's gonna make fun of you.
MonicaOh, this is so great.
PeteYeah, it was.
MonicaAll right then. (He leans in to kiss her goodnight, but she quickly kisses him on the cheek and pats his shoulder.) Bye.
(She goes into her apartment and sees Chandler, Phoebe, and Ross sitting there.)
MonicaHello, people who do not live here.
AllHi! Hello!
MonicaI gave you a key for emergencies!
PhoebeWe were out of Doritos.
RossHey, how'd the date go with Mr. Millionaire?
ChandlerMr. Millionaire, new from Snooty Playthings! Third wife sold separately.
MonicaHe's great! I mean we have such a good time together! He's so funny, and sooo sweet, and I'm not attracted to him at all!!
MonicaNoo!! It's driving me crazy. I mean every other way he's like the perfect guy, he has everything. Plus! He actually has everything.
ChandlerLife-sized Imperial Stormtroopers from Sharper Image?
ChandlerWow!! Can Joey and I put them on and fight?
Joey(Entering, dancing and singing) Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! (He dances around the dinner table and exits)
RossI guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
Monica and PhoebeOh.
ChandlerYeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.
{Rhythm Is Gonna Get You - Gloria Estefan
At night when you turn off all the lights
There's no place that you can hide
No, no the rhythm is gonna get you
In bed throw the covers on your head
You pretend like you are dead
But I know it, the rhythm is gonna get you
get - kill/attack/punish/make sb or sth move...}
A Theatre, Joey is arriving to rehearse the play he's in. The DirectorJoe. How's it going?
JoeyGood. (He sets his stuff down and starts talking to Kate, another cast member.) Hey.
JoeyOh, so you're playing Adrienne, huh?
KateYes. Are you one of the retarded cousins?
JoeyOh, no. Ah, I'm playing your husband, Victor. I'm Joey Tribianni.
KateHi, nice to meet you. Kate Miller.
(She goes over to the snack table, and Joey quickly runs over and pours her a cup of coffee.)
JoeySo the ah, play's pretty great, huh?
KateOh, yeah. I love Jennifer Banberry's work. She's so brilliantly incisive when it comes to deconstructing the psyche of the American middle class.
JoeyOh, forget about it. She rocks!
KateWhere do I know you from?
JoeyDr. Drake Ramorey. Days of Our Lives. Voted most datable neurosurgeon by Teen Beat.
KateNo, that's not it. So, you're a soap actor? Well this must be pretty exciting for you being in a real play, hmm?
JoeyHey, I've done plays before. I'm a serious actor.
KateThat infomercial! For the milk carton spout thing! You're-you're-you're the guy he doesn't know how to pour milk!!
HostFolks, this ever happened to you. You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, (Joey is in the background struggling to open a carton of milk) and these darn cartons are so flinging-flanging hard to open.
Joey(on TV) Oh, you said it Mike. (rips open the carton and spills milk on the counter) Aw! There's gotta be a better way!}
JoeySee, I actually can, pour milk, but I got you believe that I couldn't. (Laughs) Now, see, that's acting.
KateRight, at the end, you choked on a cookie.
JoeyYeah, that was real. Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe about Mark, as Gunther eavesdrops behind them. PhoebeWow! I cannot believe Mark asked you out.
RachelI know.
PhoebeWhat, so what are you gonna tell him?
RachelWell, I told him I would think about it, but I'm gonna tell him no.
(Gunther tries to swoop in to ask Rachel out.)
RachelI mean I think I'd say no to anybody right now. (Hearing this Gunther swoops back to cleaning tables.) Oh, but it was so strange. I mean I'm standing there with this charming, cute guy, who's asking me to go out with him, which I'm allowed to do, and I felt guilty. You know, like I'd be cheating on Ross or something.
PhoebeWow. So, ok, maybe that means that, you're not over Ross yet and you have issues with your father.
RachelI don't have any issues with my father.
PhoebeOk, so it's probably just the Ross thing then. Chandler and Joey's, Joey is telling Chandler about Kate. JoeyI hate this woman!! I hate her! She told everyone in the company about that infomercial, and now they all keep asking me to open their drinks. Ok, and whenever I can't do it, they're all like-like laughing at me.
Ross(Entering) Hello.
Chandler and JoeyHey!
RossSo Rachel called. Wants to see me. Going over in a minute.
JoeyWow, what-what do you think she wants?
RossWell, maybe the crazy fog has lifted and she realizes that life without me.... ah sucks.
ChandlerIt's possible. You are very loveable, I'd miss you if I broke up with you. (Ross glares at him) I was just trying to be supportive.
RossThen be supportive like a guy.
Chandler(in a deep voice) If I broke up with you, I'd miss you. Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as Ross enters, walking very confidently. RossHi.
RossYou ah, wanted to see me?
RachelYeah. Ahh, here's a box of your stuff. (Hands him a box)
RachelOh, you know, it's just like hats, and a shirt, and CD's, just sort of stuff that you've left here.
RossWhat're you doing? Are you-you trying to hurt me? Or something?
RachelNo. Ross, it, it just seems that you know it's time we-we you know, move on. I mean, I mean don't you think?
RossYes, I do.
RossYeah, I-I really do. (takes a dinosaur mug out of the box) Hey! This-this was a gift!
RachelRoss, you got that for free from the museum gift shop.
RossIt's still a gift! I got it from the gift shop!
RachelOk, all right, give me the mug! I'll keep the mug.
RossNo!! You know-you know don't do me any favors. In fact, where, where's the rest of my stuff?! Huh? Like-like my umm, (picks up a book) Hey, this book is mine!! And-and-and, and that T-shirt you sleep in? I'd like that back too. Yes, I do.
RachelYou know how much I love that T-shirt! You never even wear that T-shirt!
RossI'm just trying to help you, move on.
RachelOh, you are a petty man. You are a petty, petty....
RachelPetty... (Goes into her room)
RossSmall... (Rachel comes back into the living room and catches Ross mocking her.)
RachelYou are so just doing this out of spite.
RossAwwwahuh, no, no, no!!
RossI'm-I'm gonna wear this all the time! I love this shirt!! (He kisses the shirt)
RachelYou have not worn that T-shirt since you were 15!! It doesn't even fit you anymore!
RossOh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah...
Rachel(Imitating him) yeah-yeah-yeah!!
RossOh-oh, ok, ok! (He quickly takes off his sweater in order to put on the T-shirt. It's an old 'Frankie Say Relax' T-shirt, that barely fits him. Rachel nods her head in approval of the new look.) If you don't mind I'm gonna take the rest of my stuff, and relax, in my favorite shirt. (Starts to leave) You have a pleasant evening. (He exits and leaves the door open.) Central Perk, the gang minus Rachel and Ross are talking to Pete. PhoebeSo, you're like a zillionaire? (Pete smiles and nods)
ChandlerAnd you're our age. You're our age.
PhoebeYou know what, you should like, you should buy a state and then just name it after yourself.
PeteWhat like Pete-kota?
PhoebeYeah, or, or, or, Mississ-Pete.
JoeyOh, oh, I got it! Pete-Chicago.
ChandlerThat's not a state Joe.
JoeyOh, and Mississ-Pete is?
PeteI gotta go, so ah, I'll see you guys later.
ChandlerYou're our age!
Pete(to Monica, by the door) So ah, we on for tomorrow?
MonicaAbsolutely! (He goes to kiss her, but she stops him and rubs his head and says...) Now get out of here you!! (Pete leaves) (to the gang) Ok, I'm running out of places I can touch him! It-it's something wrong with me? I mean why am I only attracted to guys where there's no future? Either they're too old, or they're too young, or they're a big misogynist jerk poet like Julio. Who, by the way, I'm still attracted to. And then there's Pete who's crazy about me, I mean he's absolutely perfect and there's like zip going on! I mean, seriously, does it sound like there's something wrong with me?!
PhoebeYeah, kinda. The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing for the play. KateHappy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy?
JoeyWell, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and nothing. You look at me, and it's nothing. (He kisses her) Nothing.
The DirectorTasty! I'm really starting to feel like you guys have a history, it's-it's nice.
KateI have a question about this scene.
The DirectorYes.
KateWell, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor.
The DirectorPeel the onion. First of all, he's good looking.
KateI think my character's gonna need a little bit more of reason than that.
JoeyOh, hey, how about this one. Ah, it says so in the script! You know ah, I-I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean it says in the script here that you're a bitch.
KateIt doesn't say that in the script.
JoeyIt does in mine! The Hallway, Chandler and Ross are returning from working out. ChandlerI can blow dry it. I can put gel on it. It doesn't matter, I still wind up with this little (Pats the flat spot on the back of his head) cowlicky thing on the, middle part of my head. So annoying. Does it bug you?
RossYou bug me.
[Rachel comes out of her apartment, followed by Mark, and they leave on their date, without saying a word to Ross. Ross is stunned.]
ChandlerIs there any chance you didn't see that? Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching a basketball game, Ross is staring out the peephole. ChandlerRoss! You gotta stop! Ok?! You can't just stare through the peephole for three hours! You're gonna get peep eye!
RossI knew it! I knew it! I always knew she liked him! You know, she'd say no, but here we are! Right? We just broke up, first thing she does!
ChandlerYou didn't just break up.
RossHey, it's been like three weeks!
ChandlerYou slept with somebody three hours after you thought you broke up. I mean bullets 've left guns slower!
RossHere they come, here they- oh-, if she kisses him goodnight, I'm gonna kill myself, I swear. I can't, I can't watch this. (Turns away, then quickly turns to look again) Come on, date over! Date over! Oh- oh, here we go, hey, she's going in.
RossShe's going in. Wait! He's going in! He's going in!! The door's closed! I, I can't see anything with the door closed!!
ChandlerAnd the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
RossOk, I have to do something. I mean, I have, I have to stop it!
ChandlerStop what?!
RossI don't know, but I ah, I have a feeling that my being there will do it. Look, this guy is bad news, Chandler. He's- I can sense he's an operator.
ChandlerRachel wouldn't date an operator. They only make 20 grand a year and they have to work nights. (Ross looks like he is about to punch Chandler.)
RossI'll go over and I will borrow something. Juice!! I need juice!!
(He starts to exit, but Chandler tries to stop him by climbing on his back and grabbing hold of the foosball table.)
ChandlerNo!! You can't!!
RossLook, they must be stopped!
ChandlerI am your friend, and I am not gonna let you do this!! (Ross is now dragging Chandler and the foosball table to the door) You are surprisingly strong!
RossI need juice! People need juice!!
ChandlerLook man!
RossPeople need juice!
ChandlerListen to me!! (Chandler turns him around and closes and holds the door shut with his feet.)
RossJuice, they need...
ChandlerShe's moving on! Ok, if it's not this guy, it's gonna be somebody else! And unless you're thinking about subletting my peephole, you, are gonna have to get used to the fact that the relationship is over! Ok, man? It's over.
RossYeah, ok.
RossIt's just I miss her so much.
ChandlerI know. (He rubs Ross's head and steps down) I know. Is it me, or did "subletting my peephole" sound kind of dirty? (Ross thinks about it.) Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is pouring Mark some coffee. MarkWhy do all your coffee mugs have numbers on the bottom?
RachelOh. That's so Monica can keep track. That way if one on them is missing, she can be like, 'Where's number 27?!'
(She sits down, and Mark leans over and kisses her. Rachel doesn't react. He tries it again, and Rachel jumps back quickly.)
RachelYou know what?
MarkNo. And I don't think I'm gonna want to.
RachelI can't do this.
MarkYep. Yep, that's what I didn't wanna know.
RachelWell, oh, Mark, I'm just doing this for the wrong reasons, you know? I'm-I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you.
MarkAhh! Fair, schmair! You know? Look, you wanna get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really! No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!
RachelOh... God... I'm sorry about this.
MarkThat's ok.
RachelYou sure?
MarkYeah. I can just go home and get back at him by myself. A Hospital Reception, Monica and Pete are there. Spokeswoman...has become the penicillin of the twenty-first century. And so today, this hospital is about to take major steps toward leading that revolution. It is truly ironic, on one hand consider the size...
Pete(to Monica) Hey, can I ask you something?
PeteWhere are we?
Monica(Looks around) Well, without all these doctors and nurses, I'm gonna say, midget rodeo.
PeteJust tell me the truth.
MonicaOk. Umm, you know, I-I don't think I told you this, but umm, I just recently got out of a-a really serious relationship.
PeteOhh. Wasn't that like a year ago?
MonicaSo I did tell you. Umm. Ok, well you know, that's not really the thing. Umm, the thing is that, right now I'm just in a place in my life where I-I just need to focus on me. You know what I mean?
PeteOh, yeah. I know yeah.
MonicaI so wanna be attracted to you.
PeteBut you're not. Ok, good.
MonicaI'm sorry.
PeteYou know what, don't be. This- it's not, don't be, 'cause that's-it's not so bad.
MonicaIt's not?
PeteYeah, I know I'm no John Bon Jovi, (Monica laughs) or someone who you find attractive, I'm just, I just think, you know, that you might end up feeling differently.
MonicaWell, um, look I-I don't want this to come out wrong, but, you seem awfully confident for a guy I just told I wasn't attracted to.
PeteYeah, stupidly charming isn't it? Well listen let's, you wanna get something to eat? 'Cause this place is kinda depressing. (They start to leave)
SpokeswomanNow the man who made all this possible... Mr. Peter Becker.
Pete(to Monica) One second.
(He takes the scissors, cuts the ribbon, shakes her hand, posses for the picture, and leaves.) Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is sitting in one of the black chairs, and turns to face the other one. ChandlerI don't think this town is big enough for the both of us to relax in. (He blows on his hand) Draw!! (He quickly pulls the lever to raise the foot rest, like a gunfighter in a Western.)
(Joey enters.)
Chandler(to Joey) I wasn't doing anything. (Joey starts angrily throwing his stuff down.) Uh-oh, what'd she do now?
JoeyJust because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread!
ChandlerAh, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth.
JoeyGod, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, 'Oh, I'm so talented.' and 'Oh, I'm so pretty,' and 'Ooh, I smell so good.'
ChandlerI think somebody has a crush on somebody.
JoeyHey, Chandler, can we please trying stay focused on my problem here?! You know?
ChandlerI'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
JoeyOh. (Realizes) Ohh. Ohh, aw you're out of your mind.
ChandlerHey, you have done nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now! {Try to get her attention}
JoeyOh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?! The Theatre, Kate and Joey are rehearsing the same scene as before. KateHappy?! Is that what I'm supposed to be Vic? Happy?
JoeyWell, why don't you tell me what you're supposed to be! Huh? Because I sure as hell can't figure it out! I talk to you and it's nothing. You look at me, and nothing. (He kisses her, more passionately this time) Nothing.
The DirectorYou guys make me fly! High! Ok, we're gonna pick it up here, tomorrow.
KateWell, that was ah...
KateYeah! Yeah, it was definitely an improvement. Night.
JoeyAh, Kate?
JoeyYou ah, you forgot your shoes.
Kate(She giggles) I'm probably gonna need those huh? (she giggles some more)
JoeyHey, listen you ah....
Joey...feel like getting a cup of coffee?
The Director(Leaning in) Kate?
The DirectorYou ready to go?
The Director(to Joey) Very nice. Very nice. (He walks away)
KateSo umm, see you tomorrow, huh?
JoeyYeah, yeah sure, goodnight. Monica and Rachel's, Monica is in the kitchen chopping vegetables. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting in the living room. Phoebe(to Chandler) Hey! (Chandler looks up, startled) Why isn't it Spiderman? You know like Goldman, Silverman...
Chandler'Cause it's, not his last name.
PhoebeIt isn't?
ChandlerNo, it's not like, like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider, man. You know like ah, like Goldman is a last name, but there's no Gold Man.
PhoebeOh, ok. There should be a Gold Man!
Rachel(Entering) Hey!
MonicaHey, Rach, how was work?
RachelOh, it's great. Although I did sit down where there wasn't a chair.
MonicaBy the way, Ross dropped by a box of your stuff.
RachelOh, well, I guess I had that one coming. I'm just gonna throw it out, it's probably just a bunch of shampoo and... (She opens the box and stops)
MonicaSomething wrong?
Rachel(She takes the T-shirt out of the box and holds it to her chest and take a deep breath.) No. Nothing. (She smiles and goes into her room.) Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the black chairs. ChandlerSo, ahh, what kind of powers would Gold Man have?
PhoebeOk well, he would turn things to gold.
ChandlerWhat about things that are already gold?
PhoebeAhh, his work is done. Ok, I have a friend, Jimmy Tupperman, what would his powers be?
ChandlerTupper Man! He would keep criminals fresh until the police came. Ok, let's play my game now.
PhoebeOk. All right you yellow-bellied-lilly-livered-DRAW!! (They both kick up the foot rests like an old fashioned gun fight.)

Written by Adam Chase; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp