Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there. ChandlerWait a minute, wait. You're telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didn't want you back?!
JoeyYeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what it's like to be you?
MonicaWow, you're really crazy about her, huh?
JoeyOh, you have no idea. And-and when we're on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and it's like somebody's ripping out my heart!
PhoebeOh, it's so great to see you feeling like this!
Ross(Entering) Hey!
AllHey!
RossMonica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.
MonicaYes!! Yes! Yeah-yeah-yeah!
RossWe were all pretty shaken up about it.
PhoebeWait, am I missing something though? 'Cause I always thought death was supposed to be sad, in a way.
RossWell ah, Aunt Silvia was, well, not a nice person.
MonicaOh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And I'm sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?
RossYou get the dollhouse.
MonicaI get the dollhouse!
PhoebeWow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was a kid, I had a barrel.
JoeyUh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?
PhoebeNo, just a barrel.
MonicaYou know what, you can play with my dollhouse.
PhoebeReally?! Really?!
MonicaAny time you want. You know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.
ChandlerMy Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me. (They all look at him.) More of a bathtub-type of situation.
RossNow Monica, she did give you one chance. She told Monica she could play with the dollhouse if she lost 20 pounds.
Monica(Looks up) Yeah, well, look who's losing weight now, Aunt Sylvia. Rachel's office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch. RachelHey, Sophie!
SophieHey, Rach!
ChandlerHey.
SophieHey.
RachelThanks for lunch, Chandler. You know, you didn't have to walk me all the way back up here.
ChandlerOh, that's-that's ok, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)
RachelUm, honey you do realize that we don't keep the women's lingerie here in the office?
ChandlerYes, I realize that.
RachelSummer catalog?! (Hands him the catalog)
ChandlerThat's the stuff! (Quickly grabs it)
[Rachel's boss, Joanna, enters]
JoannaRachel, I need the Versace invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You don't work for me.
Rachel(Introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.
JoannaBing! That's a great name.
ChandlerThanks, it's ah, Gaelic, for 'Thy turkey's done.' So ah, I'm gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.
JoannaYou too.
RachelBye, Chandler.
Joanna(to Rachel) So ah, what's wrong with him?
RachelOh, nothing, he's just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.
JoannaOh no, no-no-no, I mean, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?
RachelNo!! No! He's not married, or involved, with anyone!
JoannaOh, Rachel, (Pause) actually, you know what, forget it.
RachelWell, I'll ask him for you, if you want me to?
JoannaWould you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, you know something that Sophie would do?
SophieUh, uh, uh, I am here.
JoannaI know that. Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. It's a huge dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table. MonicaLook at it! Ohhh! Wallpaper's a little faded, that's ok. Carpet's a little loose. Hardwood floors!!
Phoebe(Entering) Hey!
ChandlerHello.
PhoebeOh! Ooh! Oh Monica! It's so beautiful.
MonicaI know!!!
PhoebeSo, I'm here, ready to play.
MonicaOk.
PhoebeI brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to the house.)
MonicaWhat's this?
PhoebeThat's a dog, every house should have a dog.
MonicaNot one that can pee on the roof.
PhoebeWell, maybe it's so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.
Chandler(Holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?
PhoebeNo, no, that's the ghost for the attic.
MonicaI don't want a ghost.
PhoebeWell, nobody wants a ghost. But you've got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.
RossWait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.
PhoebeOk, obviously you don't know much about the U.S. government.
Rachel(Entering) Hey!
AllHello.
RachelI need to talk to you!
RossSure, what's up??
RachelOh, sorry. I meant Chandler.
RossI-I know. Well if something comes up... (Walks away)
ChandlerOh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.
RachelOk, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you...
ChandlerOh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checking out the Chan-Chan man!
Rachel(Looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Ok, what do you think? Wou interested, at all?
ChandlerYeah, she seemed cool, attractive. I'll do it.
RachelOh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, she's gonna love me.
Phoebe(Holding a dinosaur) Ok, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-ahh! (The dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to bark like a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!
MonicaAll right, Phoebe, you know what? That-that's it, that's it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghost, no giant dogs, ok? They're not the right size, they're not Victorian, and they just don't go.
PhoebeOk, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, we're not welcome in the house of no imagination.
RossUh, Pheebs, while we're hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they don't go, rrroof!
{718:
RossWell we-we don't know for sure. But in my head it-it sounded something like this. (He makes a high-pitched noise and Alan doesn't know what to make of it.) Of course, this is just conjecture. Ok, that's uh, that's all for today. (Everyone starts to get up.) Uh Mr. Morse, can I see you for a moment?}
PhoebeThe little ones do. The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play. JoeyHey, Kate!
KateMorning.
JoeyListen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week...
The DirectorHey, lovely! Come, talk to me for a minute! (She goes over to him)
Joey(to himself) And I ate the food, it was good, I had the fish, yeah. It was good, yeah...
WomanHi, oh, I'm Lauren, Kate's understudy.
JoeyOh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.
LaurenI know! I-I'm a big fan of yours.
Joey(Looks at her, shocked) What?!
LaurenI used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Ramorey on Days of Our Lives.
JoeyGet out of here, really?!
LaurenAbsolutely!
JoeyYeah?
LaurenOh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.
JoeyThey gave me the shaft all right.
Lauren(Laughing) Oh, you're so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsal? Do you wanna get a drink, or something?
JoeyWell Ahh, (He sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.
LaurenCool! I'll-I'll see you then.
JoeyAll right.
The DirectorAll right, it's time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.) Monica and Rachel's. Monica, Rachel, and Ross are there. Ross(to Monica) You know if you wanna make the boys' bathroom realistic you're gonna have to put some teeny tiny porno magazines behind the toilet.
(Phoebe enters with her own dollhouse, that she made herself.)
PhoebeHey!
AllHey!
PhoebeLook everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!
RachelWow!!
PhoebeHa-ha-ha-ha, look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.)
RossHey, what's this?!
PhoebeOh, ok, it's the slide instead of stairs. Look. (She slides a doll down the slide)
MonicaVery interesting, Phoebe.
RachelWhat's this?
PhoebeThe Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the Tootsie rollaway bed.
RossThis is the coolest house ever!!
(Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.)
PhoebeHey, does anybody wanna join me in the aroma room? (Lights some incense)
RachelAll right!
RossI would!
MonicaHey guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?!
Ross and RachelUh-huh.
PhoebeWatch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around the house.)
Ross and RachelOoohhhh!!
PhoebeAnd, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.)
Ross and RachelAhhhh!!
Chandler(Entering) Hey, my father's house does that!
{609:
Mr. GellerI always thought that too. Tell me, what does your father do?
[Chandler and Monica exchange worried looks.]
Chandler(Worried) He's the headliner of a gay burlesque show.}
Rachel(to Chandler) O-o-o-ok, how did it go? Tell me everything.
ChandlerWell, movie was great, dinner was great, and there's nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening.
RachelHmm.
Chandler'Course I didn't get to enjoy any of that, because Joanna's such a big, dull dud! Rachel's office, Joanna's telling Rachel, her side of the story. JoannaChandler is fantastic!!
RachelWhat?!
JoannaOh God, we just clicked! You know how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you?
RachelOh, I....
JoannaOh, and he's got such a good heart! Doesn't he have a good heart?
RachelOh, I know...
JoannaOh, I know and he's soo sweet! Listen, he said he was gonna call, so put him straight through.
SophieIsn't this great?!
JoannaDon't spoil it. The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing. JoeyCome on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say?
[A phone rings.]
The Director(Answering the phone) Hello. Oh! It's you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre, we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)
Joey(to Kate) That guy's like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?
KateHe happens to be brilliant. Just more than I can say for that sweater you're dating.
JoeyHey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's what's underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who I'm going out with?
KateI don't care. Why, do you want me to care?
JoeyDo you want me to want you to care?
KateDo you?
JoeyWhat?
The Director(Returning) Ok, I'm afraid to say this, but let's pick it up where we left off.
[They resume rehearsing.]
JoeyCome on baby, don't go. Please? What do you say?
KateI've got no reason to stay.
(Joey grabs her and kisses her.)
The DirectorStop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I'll see you in the morning. (Exits)
KateI can't believe we go on in, in a week.
JoeyHey, it's gonna be all right.
Lauren(to Joey) Hey! So since we're getting off early, do you wanna go and paint mugs?
JoeyWhat?
LaurenYou know! At the place I told you about last night?
JoeyOh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, you know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.
LaurenOh, ok.
JoeyOk. (He gives her a peck on the cheek)
LaurenI'll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.)
JoeyOk.
LaurenGood night. (Exits)
Joey(to Kate) Ah, are you ok?
KateYeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?
JoeyI don't know.
KateWell umm, maybe if it had more heat.
JoeyHow do you mean?
KateWell, Adrianne's looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor can't just kiss her, he's gotta, gotta really give her a reason, you know?
JoeyMaybe he could slip her the tongue.
KateOr maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.
JoeyYeah, yeah, and then Adrianne, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist.
Kate(with a smile) Yeah she could do that.
JoeyAnd-and-and claw at his back.
KateYeah right, and then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach!
JoeyAnd then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!
KateAnd then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal...
[Cut to Joey's bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.]
JoeySomething like that?
KateYeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.
JoeyYeah. Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily. Joey(to Ross) Hey.
RossHi.
Joey(to Monica) Hey.
(He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on the neck.)
RossHi.
JoeyHey.
(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives him a big hug.)
RossIt's a little early to be drinking.
JoeyNo-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate.
RossOhhhhh!
MonicaYou're kidding?! That's great!
JoeyOh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making...
MonicaOh my.
JoeyYep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming 'cause, 'cause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like he's been possessed by the devil, or something.)
Chandler(Entering with Rachel) I'm telling you, Joanna's got it all wrong. Ok? All I said was, 'This was fun. Let's do it again sometime. I'll give you a call.'
RachelOhh, gee. I wonder why she thinks you're going to call her?
ChandlerThat's what you say at the end of a date.
RachelYou can't just say, 'Nice to meet you, good night?'
ChandlerTo her face?
Joey(with a big smile on his face) I'm so happy!
ChandlerLook it's the end of the date, I'm standing there, I know all she's waiting for is for me to say 'I'll call her' and it's just you know, comes out. I can't help it, it's a compulsion.
MonicaCome on Rach, when a guy says he's going to call, it doesn't mean he's going to call. Hasn't it ever happened to you?
RachelWell, they always called.
MonicaHmm, bite me. Rachel's office. Joanna(Entering) Did he call?
RachelNo. Sorry.
JoannaWhy?! Why?! He said he'd call. Why hasn't he called?
SophieMaybe he's intimidated by really smart, strong, successful women.
JoannaSophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasn't he called, Rachel? Why?
RachelOk, ok. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss.
JoannaAwkward? Why should he feel awkward?
RachelWell...
JoannaThe only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didn't tell him not to call me, did you?
RachelNo. I...
JoannaBecause if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix...that. Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches. Rachel(Grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her! Call her now!
ChandlerMultiple, so many paper cuts.
RachelWhy hasn't he called Rachel? Why? Why? I don't understand. Why? He said he'll call. Why? Why? Chandler I'm telling you she has flipped out, she's gone crazy!
ChandlerOh, well give me the phone then.
RachelCome on, this isn't funny. She thinks it's my fault that you haven't called her. You have to call her!
ChandlerLook, you can't call somebody after this long just to say, 'In case you didn't notice, I don't like you!'
RachelWell then you're gonna have to take her out again.
ChandlerNooo!! She's really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!
RachelI don't care! I don't care! You are gonna have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows it's actually ended. And, I don't care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!
ChandlerAll right! Fine! But it's just a lunch date, no more than an hour! From now on I get my own dates, I don't want you setting me up with anybody ever again!
RachelThat's fine!
ChandlerThat's just a lot of big talking, you know.
RachelI know. Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering. RossMon?
Monica(from the bathroom) In the shower!
[He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. He starts to smell something and turns around to see Phoebe's dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]
RossOh, fire! There, there's a fire! Fire!!
[He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesn't work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesn't work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.] The Theatre, Kate is arriving for rehearsal. JoeyHey.
KateHi.
JoeySo I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk to Marshall?
KateAbout what?
JoeyYou know, about what happened with us.
KateNooo. And there's really no reason why he should find out, so ah let's not make a big deal about it, ok?
JoeyWhat're you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on, you can't tell me last night didn't mean something to you. I-I was there, you're not that good an actress.
KateLook umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. That's all it was. Joey, I'm-I'm sorry you feel bad, but haven't you ever slept with a woman where it meant more to her than it did to you?
JoeyNooo.
Lauren(Entering) Hi, Kate!
KateHi, Lauren.
JoeyHi, Lauren.
LaurenHi, pig! Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are inspecting the damage to the dollhouse. RossSorry I ah, I scared you in there.
MonicaOh, that's ok. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager.
RossYeah.
Phoebe(Entering) Hey!
Monica(Runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work. There's....been a fire.
PhoebeWhat?! Oh my... (Sees the remains of the house) Oh my God!! What happened?!
RossWell, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.) In the Aroma Room.
PhoebeAll right. Did everyone get out ok?
MonicaWell, the giraffe's ok. And so is the pirate.
PhoebeOhh. What is this? (She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to remove it.)
RossNo Phoebe, don't look! You don't wanna see what's under there!!
Phoebe(She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-the foster puppets!
(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the foster puppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)
Rachel's office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from their lunch date. He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is already there. ChandlerIt's not a big deal. It's, just it's right here, (Points to his eye) and it's all the time.
JoannaWell, thanks again for lunch.
Chandler(He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant.
(Rachel is slowing trying to leave and let them talk.)
JoannaIt was, wasn't it?
ChandlerThe food there was, was great.
JoannaWasn't it?
ChandlerSo take care.
JoannaYou too.
ChandlerWell, this was great. I'll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is disappointed)
JoannaGreat! I'm looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages?
RachelSophie's desk.
(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him in the hallway.)
Rachel(Whispering) Chandler!! Are you gonna call her!
ChandlerNoo!
RachelChandler...
ChandlerLook, I'm sorry. Ok? I'm weak, and pathetic, and sorry.
RachelOk, you are gonna tell her and you're gonna tell her now. (She grabs his nipple and starts to twist it.)
ChandlerAhhhh-I'm not gonna call you.
JoannaWhat?
ChandlerI'm sorry. I'm sorry that I said I was going to when I'm not. It's just I was just trying to be nice and you don't deserve that.
Joanna(Thinks about that comment) I see. I think.
ChandlerLook, this has nothing to do with you, you know? And this isn't Rachel's fault. It's me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (Pause) mascara goop. And I'm really sorry, it's just that this is not, this isn't gonna work out.
JoannaWell, this isn't how I was hoping this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty.
ChandlerYeah, o-ok.
JoannaSo...
ChandlerWell this is great! I'll give you a call! We should do it again sometime!
(Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in disbelief.) Chandler and Joey's, Joey is talking on the phone. Joey(on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I'm saying is I should've considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I've ah, I've recently learned what's it like to be on your side of it, and I'm sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? (Listens) Great. Thanks. Ok, bye. (He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer? (Listens) Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (Listens) Oh, she's not home huh? (Listens) Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.

Written by Wil Calhoun; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp