Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is on the phone, Chandler and Monica are sitting in the living room, and Ross is in the kitchen as Rachel enters from her bedroom.
RachelOh, Phoebe, are you still on hold? I was supposed to call my dad back like two hours ago.
PhoebeOh, yeah, he clicked on, he said call him as soon as you get a chance, he's at Flimby's.
PhoebeOh, yeah, that's the word I use when I can't remember the real thing.
RachelOk. Hang up! That's it! Come on!
PhoebeNo! Rachel, that's what they want me to do. My warranty expires tomorrow, if I don't get through, they're not gonna fix my crappy, broken phone for free! We cannot let them win! It's us versus them!
MonicaI say hang up.
PhoebeIt's Chandler and us versus Monica and them.
JoeyUh, listen I gotta double check for tickets tonight. Who-who got what?
Chandler, Phoebe, and RachelI had one.
MonicaI need two. I'm bringing Pete. My boyfriend. I have a boyfriend now!
JoeyTwo it is. Ross, how about you?
RossUh, yeah, I ah, I also need two.
MonicaReally? Who's number two?
ChandlerWhose number two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.
RossUh, no, it's-it's just this person.
PhoebeLike a date type (looks at Rachel) person?
RossYeah, kind of. It's this woman from work. I hope that won't be too weird. Will it, Rach?
RachelNo. No, not at all, not at all. I actually was gonna bring someone myself, so...
JoeyBut you said one ticket.
RachelI meant, me plus one!
JoeyOk. (to Phoebe and Chandler) Did ah, you guys mean you plus one?
RossAll right, I'll see you tonight.
RachelOk, I need a date! (Runs to her bedroom)
JoeyOh, hey, you guys are finally gonna get to meet Kate!
JoeyYeah. (to Chandler) And I ah, borrowed some of your cologne. I hope she likes it.
MonicaJoey, what're you doing?! It's never gonna happen, she's seeing somebody.
ChandlerYeah, I don't, have any cologne.
JoeyGreen bottle next to the shaving cream.
ChandlerOh! Worm medicine for the duck.
(In horror, Joey wipes his neck and smells it.)
Monica and Rachel's, Monica is getting ready to go to Joey's premiere and Phoebe is still on hold.
Monica(to Phoebe) Here you go. You can wear this. (hands her a sweater)
PhoebeOk. (on phone) Ooh, I'm setting the phone down. (Does so) But I'm still here! Just don't go anywhere I'm still here. (Starts to put on the sweater) Don't-don't switch or anything, 'cause I'm, I'm right here. (She has pulled the sweater over her head, but her head is stuck in a sleeve.) Just one sec. One sec! One second!! (She is now frantically trying to get the sweater on, as Monica returns from the bathroom.) Wait! One second! Just...
PhoebeWhat?! Monica, I'm scared!
MonicaHoney. Honey, that's-that's a sleeve. Ok?
MonicaAnd! We also have speaker phone. (She turns on the speaker phone.)
Hold VoicePlease stay on the line. Your call is important to us.
MonicaAnyway, you gotta hang up 'cause we're gonna be late.
(Phoebe starts to hang up the phone, but...)
Hold VoiceThank you for your patience, you're the next caller.
PhoebeYes!! Yes!! I'm the next caller! You were gonna have me hang up.
Chandler(Entering, carrying the chick and duck) Hey! Can you take a duck and a chick to the theatre?
MonicaOf course not.
ChandlerOk. I just wanted them to hear it from somebody else. (to the chick and the duck) All, right, fellas, back to Nintendo.
Joey's Premiere. Rachel is already there with her date, Tommy who's played by Ben Stiller who will be in There's Something About Mary and Meet The Parents, as Ross and his date, Cailin, arrive.
RossHey, hey Rach!
RachelHow are you? (She goes to kiss him on the cheek, but stops because of the dates and pats him on the shoulder.)
RossSo looks like we're the first ones here.
RachelYeah, looks that way. First ones here! Wooo!!
(An awkward silence follows.)
RachelOh! Tommy, this is Ross. Ross, Tommy.
RossHey. Oh, I'm sorry, this is Cailin.
(They all try and shake hands at once. They end up criss-crossing they're arms to shake each other's hand, and Ross says...)
(Awkward laughter follows.)
RachelOk, uhh, I think I'm gonna run to the ladies' room.
CailinI'll join you.
TommyI'll get our seats.
RossOk. (The girls leave.) (to Tommy) So uh, well, this-this is uh, this is awkward.
RossWell you know, 'cause Rachel and I used to go out.
TommyOh, I didn't, I didn't know that.
RossOh! Well then, this is awkward. So what do you uh...
TommyI think we're here.
RossOk. (Sees two people sitting in their seats.) Uh, huh. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I-I think you may be in our seats.
ManUmm, no, I don't think so.
TommyCan-can we take a look at your ticket?
ManSure. (Hands him the ticket.)
Ross(Looking at ticket) Yep! Yeah, see this says D-13, and uh...
ManOh, well I thought that ah...
TommyOh, you thought, huh? Yeah, well that didn't really work out too well for you did it you idiot!! What are you?! A moron!! Huh?! It says D-13! Ok?! Look you're surrounded by even numbers!! That give you some clue?!
ManUh, the usher told us to come...
TommyOh! Oh! The usher must be right! What, with all that training they go through! Get out!! (They start to leave.) Here! (He throws him back his ticket.) (to Ross, calmly) Hey man, you want the aisle?
RossNo, I'm good. (He sits down, stunned.)
The Theatre, at the post premiere party. The gang is already there, except Phoebe. Joey runs in.
Chandler(Seeing Joey) There he is!
MonicaThere's our star!
JoeySo, so, what'd you think?
ChandlerAlmost as good as that play with the two naked girls on the see-saw.
JoeyI-I wasn't in that.
Joey(Sees Kate) Oh-oh, hey-hey, Kate! Listen I want you to meet everybody. Everybody, this is Kate.
The Director(Stepping in) Excuse me. Excuse me. (to Kate) Sweetheart! (Kisses her.) Come! (They leave.)
ChandlerSo that's the girl you like.
Ross(Drags Chandler over to buffet table) I'm telling you, this guy Rachel is with is crazy! Ok? He viciously screamed at total strangers! I think he's baaad news!
ChandlerWait a minute, wait a minute, you don't like the guy Rachel's dating?Well that's odd.
[Cut to Joey, Rachel, and Tommy.]
JoeyOh, hey, Lauren. Uh, you guys this is, this is Kate's understudy, Lauren.
RachelHey. Gosh, you look soo familiar.
LaurenOh, yeah! I-I ran into you in the hallway in your building. It was right after I slept with Joey. He dumped me the next day.
[Cut to Monica, Pete, and Cailin]
CailinSo. How'd you guys meet?
PeteWell ah, the short version is, I ah pursued her for a couple of months, then I gave her a check for 20,000 dollars, and she was mine.
MonicaYeah, and in the long version, I dump him for telling people the short version.
[Cut to Joey as Estelle, Joey's agent, approaches]
EstelleJoey, sweetheart, you were fabulous!
JoeyHey you guys, this is my agent, Estelle.
EstelleHow do you do. (to Rachel and Monica) Ooh, you two girls were outstanding! (to Joey) Did they have representation?
JoeyThey-they weren't in the play.
RachelWe're not actors.
EstelleOoh, what a shame! Because with her face (points to Monica) and her chest (points to Rachel) I could really put something together.
ChandlerCould I borrow it?
[Cut to later]
Cailin(to Ross) Hi! Remember me?
RossHi! Yeah! Tommy's in line for the bathroom and someone just cut in front of him, I think he's gonna snap. (He's watching very intently)
CailinRoss, I'm gonna go.
CailinI don't know. Could be because I don't feel like standing around all night waiting for some guy who may or may not scream.
RossBut-but Cailin, he definitely will scream.
RossUh-oh-go, all right.
The Director(Entering carrying a newspaper) Here we go people! (Starts reading the review) Boxing Day! The Lucille Lortel Theatre, blah, blah, blah... Ah-ha! Joey Tribianni, gives an uneven performance, but Mr. Tribianni is not the worst thing in this production.
The DirectorKate Miller's awkward and mannered portrayal is laughable. (Kate walks away depressed.) Badda-badda-badda. Ah-ha! Here it is! The direction by Marshal Talmant is... (Stops, reads it again, and throws down the paper in disgust) Thank you, boys and girls, you've ruined my life. Please, stuff your talentless faces with my mother's crab cakes! (Starts to leave) Excuse me!!
(Joey steps in a picks up the paper, the gang all look at him.)
JoeyIs there anyone mind if I save this?
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are returning. Phoebe is still on hold.
PhoebeOh, is the play over?
MonicaYeah. Where were you?
Hold VoiceThank you for your patience, you're the next caller.
MonicaYou were the next caller five hours ago. You must be going crazy.
PhoebeNah. I kept myself busy.
(Both Rachel and Monica walk into their bedrooms, stop, and come back into the living room with confused looks on their faces.)
PhoebeOh, ok, yeah. (to Monica) I put your stuff in her room, and her stuff in your room.
(They both look at each other, nod their heads 'All right' and follow their stuff into their new rooms.)
The Theatre, after the party. Joey is trying to comfort Kate.
JoeyHey! You ok?
JoeyListen, drama critics, they're nothing but, but people who couldn't make it as actors. You know you should do?
KateBecome a drama critic!
The Director(Entering, drunk) I am hurt! (to Joey and Kate) A plague on both your houses! (Walks away)
KateBy the way, he dumped me tonight after he read my review.
KateYep! I sure know how to pick 'em, huh? You know I gave up a part on a soap for this!
JoeyWow! Yeah I ah, I gave up a job too.
JoeyUh, de-clawing cats. Hey, tell you what. Let me walk you home. We'll stop by every newsstand and burn every copy of their Times and the Post.
KateWhy the Post?
JoeyOh, you didn't see the Post?
Kate's Apartment, Joey and Kate are returning from a night out on the town.
Kate(Drunk) Oh! See how, you really think those newspapers are just jealous of me?
JoeyOh, absolutely! You're talented and you're good looking.
KateOh, you're sweet and cute.
JoeyI know! That's why they trashed me!
JoeyWhoa. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
JoeyI, I don't get you. I mean first, you hate me. Then you sleep with me. Then you want nothing to do with me, now you want me again.
KateWhat? So you never went out with an actress before?
JoeyKate, do you even like me?
KateOf course I do.
JoeyWell so, how come you blew me off? You know? How come you were with him?
KateI don't know! I just, just do this! I-I always have to pick the like the smartest guy, or-or the most talented guy... Why can't I just pick someone like you?
KateYou know what I mean. I mean like the sweetest guy. Joey, you're just so, you're so, so... (She passes out and slumps against his shoulder.)
Joey(Checks to see if she's drooling on his shirt.) Ok. Ok, hey. (Lays her down and covers her with a blanket.) There we go, let's get your feet up there. (Looks at her) Good night, Kate. Sweet dreams. (Picks up a garbage can) I'm gonna put this can right here in case you have to hurl.
Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Phoebe is STILL on hold.
Hold VoicePlease stay on the line. Your call is very important to us.
Monica(Entering from her bedroom) Pheebs, you've been up for 24 hours! Go to sleep, honey. This-this isn't healthy.
PhoebeNo, no, I'm fine, and you know why? 'Cause of all the riboflavin.
Joey(Entering, happily) Hey!
MonicaHey! Didn't you have that outfit on last night?
JoeyYeah! I stayed at Kate's, but ah, nothing happened.
MonicaYeah, last time I was at Pete's we just watched a movie...of us...that we'd made earlier. (with a big smile) I'm sorry, I can't help it. I have a boyfriend!
JoeyHey, Pheebs, where were ya?
PhoebeI'm so, so, so sorry, Joey. I am definitely gonna see your play. I swear your play is very important to us, thank you for your patience. Your play is the next play I'm gonna see.
MonicaAnyway, how did it go with Kate?
JoeyOh, it was great! Yeah, I-I walked her home, and it was amazing how much we connected, you know? Then ah, then she passed out, but then she woke up. Yeah? And we stayed up all night talking, and now we're like totally crazy about each other!
MonicaJoey, you had the night!
MonicaYeah, when two people finally realize their feelings for each other, and-and they talk for hours, and they-they learn all about the other person!
MonicaDid you like learn about her family?
JoeyTwo brothers, one died!
MonicaOh! (They hug, triumphantly.)
Central Perk, Chandler and Monica are sitting on the couch, Rachel is on the chair.
Gunther(Bringing Chandler a cup) This is from the woman at the bar.
(He turns and looks at her. The woman whispers something to Gunther; who comes back and takes the mug away from Chandler.)
GuntherSorry. She thought you were somebody else.
RachelWhat time is it?
Chandler7:15. (Monica looks at him) Watch doesn't work.
RachelTommy's supposed to be here soon, we're going to lunch.
RossLook. Look, I wasn't gonna say anything to you, but... All right, I don't think you should be seeing Tommy anymore.
RossNo! The guy is mean. I mean really mean. I think you should stay away from him.
RachelUmm, or, maybe, I should stay away from all men.
RossNo, it's not just because I'm jealous. (Both Monica and Chandler give him a 'Come on' look) I mean I'm not, I'm not, I'm not jealous, ok? It's... Look, the guy, he screamed, he actually screamed at this couple sitting in our seats.
ChandlerYeah, and at the end of the play, he, he got up you know, and he just started like, (claps his hands) banging his hands together!
RossOk, fine, fine. You don't wanna believe me? No, that's fine. (Starts to leave)
ChandlerRoss, don't. Ross!
[Cut to outside of Central Perk]
RossNo one believe me, I'm Mr. Funny to you. Mr. Funny... (Turns around and almost spills his coffee on Tommy)
RossWhoa, sorry Tommy.
TommyWhat's in the cup Ross?
TommyWhat is in the cup?!
RossOk, it's coffee.
TommyIce coffee? Tell me it's ice coffee!
TommyHot coffee!!! You idiot!! You're gonna spill hot coffee all over me, huh?!! What are you just some big, dumb, stupid, doofy idiot, with a doofy idiot hairdo, huh?! Huh?!
[Cut to inside Central Perk, we see Ross quietly tapping on the window, desperately trying to get the gang's attention, while Tommy is still screaming at him]
Rachel(Not seeing Ross) What's your favorite thing about summertime?
MonicaUmm, going to the beach. When it stays light real late.
Tommy(Entering, finished with yelling at Ross, who follows him in shell-shocked) (Happily) Hey!
RachelTommyyyy! Say, what's your favorite thing about summer?
TommyOoh, I don't know. Probably the smell of freshly cut grass.
ChandlerOhh, that's a good one.
(Ross is having a fit, about how calm Tommy is now)
Backstage at Joey's play, Joey is arriving, late.
JoeySorry! Sorry, I'm late; sorry, I'm late! My duck and my chick and a fight, it-it was ugly.
Stage ManagerLook, we held the curtain for you buddy. Come on, let's go! Let's go!
[Cut to onstage with Lauren standing in for Kate, the doorbell rings.]
Lauren(Answering the door) Vic! Where have you been, baby?!
Joey(Surprised it's Lauren) (Hugs her) (Whispering) Where's Kate?
Lauren(Whispering) She got a job in L.A..
LaurenI've been waiting up all night for you. Where have you been? (Joey doesn't answer) Where have you been? Vic?!
JoeyOh, ahh, go to the window. I wanna run down to the truck and show you something.
Lauren(at the window, she's looking down out of the window) What've you got down there, Vic? What've you got under that tarp?
Joey(Grabs the window from the outside and sticks his head in) (Whispering) When is she leaving?
Lauren(Whispering) Tonight. What are you doing?
Joey(Making like he is yelling up to the second floor) I'm coming up!
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are in the kitchen, Rachel is sitting in the living room. Monica walks up to Phoebe who is still on hold.
Monica(Speaking calmly to Phoebe) Hey, you hanging in there? You doing ok?
Monica(Calmly) You listening to me?
Monica(Calmly) Ok. If Pete calls again, and you don't put him through I will kill you.
TommyHey, you mind if I use the phone?
PhoebeOh, I... (Starts jabbering incoherently)
ChandlerWhy don't you use ours across the hall, because she...has...problems.
Ross(Coming out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee, almost running into Tommy) Oh-ho, whoa! Sorry, Tommy. I almost spilled this hot coffee on you.
TommyYeah, but you didn't.
RossNo, but it's-it's-it's hot!
(We see Tommy go into Joey and Chandler's apartment)
RachelRoss, would you just stop it! It's getting really old.
RossI can't believe no one believes me!
PhoebeI do, I believe you.
RossYou do Pheebs?
PhoebeYeah. But I also believed her (Points to the phone) when she said I was next.
[Cut to Chandler and Joey's apartment, Tommy is using the phone]
Tommy(Noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey there little fella. (Picks up the chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (Starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me, I'm so cute, I'm a little chick who's disgusting! God, you're so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (The duck waddles behind him and quacks) (to the duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!
(We see the gang staring at him through the doorways.)
ChandlerStep away from the duck.
TommyOoh, sorry little Mr. Chickadee, sorry you went doodie in my hand! (Starts to walk out and stops) (to Rachel) Well, I guess we're not going out anymore. Man!!!
(He leaves the gang in stunned silence.)
Backstage at Joey's play, Joey is changing for the next scene as Kate arrives, carrying her bags.
KateI'm soo glad I caught you, I couldn't find you before.
JoeyWh-wh-what's going on? Wh-what's this about L.A.?
KateThey still want me for General Hospital.
JoeyBut, but wh-what about us?
KateLast night was wonderful. But I-I can't stay here just for you.
JoeyWell, so, stay for the museums!
Stage ManagerJoey, onstage!
JoeyWell, can you at least stay to the end of the play? I mean, I'll go to the airport with ya, I-I wanna say good bye.
Lauren(Yelling from onstage) Where are you Vic?
KateMy flight's in an hour. I-I gotta go.
LaurenVic! Vic! Vic!!!
Joey(to Lauren) In a minute!!
[Cut to the end of the play]
LaurenSo this is it? Victor?
JoeyYeah, I guess it is. (Sees Kate is watching, he turns Lauren so that he can talk directly to Kate, but still look like he is talking to Lauren) Listen, I ah, I gotta say goodbye, and-and I gotta say it quick 'cause this is killing me. One thing you gotta know, is that I will never forget you. But, you got things you have to do now, and so do I. And so... I'm gonna get on this spaceship, (Smoke starts pouring in from the ceiling, and a ladder comes down, with flashing, colored lights on the side of it) and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels. But when I return, 200 years from now, you'll be long gone. But I won't 've aged at all. (Gets on the ladder) So you tell your great-great-granddaughter to look me up, because Adrienne, baby, I'm gonna wanna meet her.
(The ladder retracts, taking Joey up into the spaceship for his voyage to Blargon 7, and Kate waves good bye.)
LaurenSo long, Vic! (waving good bye as the ladder retracts)
Monica and Rachel's, the gang, except Joey, is there. Phoebe is, well you you know.
MonicaPhoebe, it's been two days.
PhoebeYeah, I know. Oh, good thing is one of those 801 numbers. Right?
RossPhoebe, 800 is toll free, 801 is-is Utah.
PhoebeNo, no, no, oh no-no-no, it has to be 800. (Picks up the instruction manual to check the phone number) 'Cause all those big companies have 800 numbers, every- (Finds the number) Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.
PhoebeSorry, I'm so sorry, I will pay you back.
ChandlerAnd yet, she's still not hanging up the phone.
AllYeah. Hang it up! Hang up the phone!!
PhoebeFine! Fine! (Slams the phone down, breaking it) Oh-oh!
PhoebeWell, I think I broke it. But that's all right, here's the number where you can call.
Written by Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp