Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are playing with the duck and the chick. JoeyHey, wouldn't be cool if our duck and chick had a little baby? We could call it Chuck.
ChandlerOr... Dick.
Ross(Entering) Hey.
Chandler and JoeyHey.
RossListen, I-I need a favor. Umm, I was in the shower, and as I was cleansing myself, I ah, I-I, well I felt something.
ChandlerWas it like a sneeze only better?
RossNo, no, I mean, I mean like a thing on my body.
Joey(with a disgusted look) Well what was it?
RossWell, I-I don't know, it's-it's kind of in a place that's not... It's not visually accessible to me, and I was hoping maybe you guys could-could help me out. (Starts to take off his pants)
Chandler and JoeyWhoa!!!
ChandlerNo!!
RossCome on you guys, no big deal! (He turns around and shows him his thing.)
ChandlerWhoa-heeeiiiiii-iiiii-ah!! (Sees it) Huh.
RossWell what is it? Is it a mole? (He moves closer to them, and they jump back.)
JoeyNo, it's too wrinkly to be a mole.
RossWell, eww. Is it what? A pimple?
ChandlerNo, it's... fancier than a pimple. Look Ross, why don't you just go see a do...
Rachel(Entering, interrupting them) Hey guys! What's... (Sees what they're doing and stops, the guys are stunned)
ChandlerOk, well, it's definite, two more weeks of winter.
RossAhhh.
JoeyYeah, right.
(Rachel backs out with a confused look on her face.) Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, and Rachel are there, as Phoebe enters with her date. Phoebe(to her date) Ok, and then this is the coffee house. This is where I play my music. (Points to the stage)
VinceGood deal.
PhoebeYeah, and these are my friends. People. This is Vince, Vince, the people.
RachelHi!
ChandlerHey!
VinceHey!
PhoebeVince is a fireman.
RachelWow! Have you ever rescued anyone from a burning building before?
Vince98 hot saves, highest in the force.
ChandlerWell, you know if Joey and I played with matches we could get you up to an even hundred.
Vince(Dead serious) Fire safety is not a joke, son.
ChandlerYou're right, I know.
Vince(to Phoebe) Look, I gotta go. I'm on call tonight. (Kisses her) See you Saturday. (Leaves)
PhoebeOk. (Watches him leave)
RachelWow, he's cute, Pheebs! But I thought you just started dating that Kindergarten teacher.
PhoebeOh, Jason? Yeah, uh-huh, we're seeing each other tonight.
RachelWhat-Pheebs?! Two dates in one day? That's so unlike you.
PhoebeI know, I know! I'm like playing the field. You know? Like, juggling two guys, I'm sowing my wild oats. You know? You know, this kind of like you know oat-sowing, field-playing juggler.
JoeySo, Pheebs, do they know about each other?
PhoebeDoes a dog's lips move when he reads? (Joey makes an 'I don't know' face, and looks to Chandler and Rachel, who're also stumped) Ok no, and they don't know.
Ross(Entering) Hey guys!
JoeyHey.
RachelHi!
(He goes over and sits down at the counter, all depressed.)
Joey(Going over to him) Well?!
Chandler(Joining them) Ok, how'd it go at the doctor's?
RossWell, he said there's definitely nothing to worry about, it's totally benign.
JoeyWell what is it?!
RossHe couldn't even tell me! He said it was just some sort of skin... abnormality.
JoeySo-so it's just skin?
RossWell, no. He said it's skin-like.
ChandlerOk. So it's not skin.
RossWell it's in the skin family. And the worst thing is he-he-he said, he said, without being able to identify it, he was reluctant to remove it.
ChandlerHey, well you know what? You should go to my guy, 'cause when I went in there with my third nipple. He just lopped it right off. You know? So I guess I'm lucky. I mean not as lucky as people who were born with two nipples.
RossAt least they knew what yours was. You know, yours had a name.
JoeyOh! Maybe they'll name yours after you! You know, they'd call it, the Ross. And then people would be like, "Awww, he's got a Ross."
Ross(Sarcastic) Yeah, that'd be cool!
[Cut to Phoebe and Rachel as Monica returns from the bathroom]
MonicaPete's breaking up with me.
AllWhat?!
MonicaI just checked my messages, and, he said that when he gets back from Atlanta, we need to talk.
RachelAnd?
MonicaWell that's it. People never say 'We need to talk' un-unless it's something bad.
JoeyWhoa, that doesn't necessarily mean that he's breaking up with you.
MonicaReally?!
JoeyYeah, maybe he just cheated on you. A Street, Phoebe is walking with her second date, Jason. Jason...and I know I'll never get rich doing it, but, I gotta tell you, it's pretty cool knowing that you're making a difference in a kid's life.
PhoebeThat is so great! Oh, I... (Sees that a parked car near them has caught on fire) Oh my God!
JasonWhoa!
Phoebe(The fire has worsened) Oh my God!
JasonAhh-ahh, we'd better call the fire department!
Phoebe(Stopping him) No! No!
JasonNo, no?
PhoebeWell, we don't n-n-n-n-need a fireman, we'd, we'd like a good mechanic.
JasonWh-What?!
PhoebeWell, it's pro-probably just really low on coolant. (Hears the sound of approaching sirens) Oh my God, here they come! Look we gotta get outta here!
JasonW-w-w-wait! Why?!
PhoebeWell look, if I wanted to see a fireman, I would date one. Ok? (She drags him away) A Doctor's Office, Ross is having his thing looked at by Dr. Rhodes. RossTh-th-that's all it is, a third nipple. You know? Just your run-of-the-mill third nipple. You know? You can take it off. Just slice that baby right off!
Dr. RhodesTake your shirt off, let's see what we're dealing with here. (Ross starts to take off his pants) What're you doing?
RossJust showing you my run-of-the-mill-slice-it-right-off third nipple.
Dr. RhodesWell that's not a third nipple.
RossEm?
Dr. RhodesFirst of all, it's on your ass.
RossWell then, what is it?!
Dr. RhodesWait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?
Dr. JohnsonI'm with Hamilton!
Dr. RhodesHe's good with rear things, bring him in too. Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are there. JoeyHey, you know what you don't see a lot of? Topless tap dancing.
Monica(Sarcastically) I really enjoy these little talks we have. (Starting to get up) I gotta go water Pete's plants. (Stops) You know what, if he's gonna break up with me, maybe I won't water his plants.
ChandlerWell, if he's gonna break up with you, maybe Joey and I should water his plants. If you know what I mean.
JoeyOr ha-ha, we could go over there and pee on them.
Phoebe(Entering with Rachel) ...and I-I can't take it! You know? I'm just, always afraid one of them is gonna catch me with the other one. It's making me crazy.
RachelWell, honey, then why don't you break up with one of 'em?
Phoebe(Disgusted) Uh.
JoeyWhoa-whoa-whoa. What ah, what happened to playing the field?
PhoebeWell, it just, it doesn't feel like playing anymore, it feels like work. It's like I'm working in the field.
RachelSo, Pheebs, pick one of them.
MonicaYeah. Which one do you like more?
PhoebeWell, Vince is great, you know 'cause, he's like a guy guy. You know? He's so burly, he's sooo very burly. (giggles)
JoeyOk, good, so there you go. Go with Vince.
PhoebeYeah, but Jason's really sensitive.
ChandlerWell, sensitive is important, pick him.
PhoebeYeah.
JoeyOh sure, go with the sissy.
PhoebeJason is not a sissy!
JoeyOh no-no-no-no, I meant Chandler. Dr. Rhodes's Office, a rather large group of doctors has now gathered to take a look at Ross's thing. Ross is none too pleased with the developments, he has a disgusted look on his face. RossYou know I have dinner plans!
Dr. RhodesThank you soo much for coming on such a short notice. Ladies and gentlemen, I've-I've-I've been practicing medicine for twenty-three years, and I'm stumped.
(He removes the blanket covering the thing.)
AllWhoa. (They all lean in to get a closer look, Ross isn't pleased) Pete's apartment, Monica is there to water the plants, and is showing the gang around. MonicaOk, this is the den. All right, check this out. Lights! (The lights turn on automatically, but are very bright) Whoa! All right. Less lights! No, bad lights! Lights go away! (They dim) Oh, see? You just need to find the right command.
RossYes, and the dimmer switch.
JoeyWhoa! For a rich guy he's, that's a pretty small TV.
MonicaNo-no-no, that's the video-phone. But hey guys you're not supposed to be here, so please, do not touch anything.
Chandler(Sitting down on the couch) I-kea! This is comfortable.
Rachel(Entering with Phoebe) This place is amazing.
PhoebeOh, God, that is the nicest kitchen.
MonicaI know.
PhoebeNo! But it's the nicest kitchen, the refrigerator told me to have a great day.
JoeyLook at this! A millionaire's checkbook.
MonicaJoey, put that down! (The phone rings) Oh my God! That's Pete. Ok, get out!! How the hell do you answer a video-phone! (Steps in front of it, and automatically answers it)
PeteMonica? (The gang ducks and hides)
MonicaI guess that's how.
PeteHey Monica, how's it going.
MonicaOh it's umm, good! It's umm, it's good, just here watering the plants.
PeteWell don't forget that ficus over there by Rachel.
Rachel(Standing up) Ahh... Chandler's on the couch!!
PeteI see him, you guys are just the worst hiders ever.
All(Standing up) Hey Pete.
JoeyHi, how ya doing?
MonicaAhh, Pete, uh, the other day when you said you needed to talk, umm, just so I know, is it good news or bad news.
PeteOh, it's good news. No, it's definitely good news. Hold on a second, I have another call. (Clicks his remote) (to his other call) Hey, how's it going?
MonicaOh no-no-no, it's-it's still me.
PeteAh, no it's not. I've got picture-in-picture here. (to other caller) Yeah. (listens) Yeah, ok. I'm gonna have to call you back later. (Pause) Monica? You. I'm gonna have to call you back.
MonicaOh, oh, ok umm, so I'll see you soon.
PeteOk, I love you.
MonicaI love you.
AllLove you too. I love you, love you.
MonicaOk. Well, it's good news. It's good news.
ChandlerSo, what do you thing the good news is?
Joey(Looking at the checkbook) Wow! Look at this! He wrote a check for 50,000 dollars to Hugo Ligrens Ring Design. (Monica is stunned) Oh, sorry, what do you think the good news is?
[Pause]
MonicaOh my.
RachelMonica's gonna marry a millionaire!!!
RossHey, you gotta get Mom on the phone. Call Mom! Call Mom!
(Pete's computer automatically calls Mom, Pete's Mom.)
Pete's MomHello.
MonicaAnd that's Pete's Mom.
(The gang quickly hides again.) Monica and Rachel's, the gang is returning from Pete's. RachelMon you definitely have to make it a theme wedding, and the theme could be, "Look how much money we've got!" You know, I mean you could put, you could put money in-in the invitations! You-you could have like little money place settings. And ah, you could start with a money salad! I mean it'll be dry, but people will like it.
MonicaWould you stop? We've only been going out a couple of weeks, I mean we don't even know if he's gonna propose.
ChandlerYes, but this is Pete. Ok? He's not like other people, on your first date he took you to Rome. For most guys that's like a third or fourth date kinda thing.
MonicaWell if-if that's what it is, then it's-it's crazy.
RossMonica's right. We're talking about getting married here. Ok? She-she can't just rush into this.
RachelOh please, what do you know! You married a lesbian!
(Joey laughs, Ross glares at him, and Joey stops.)
JoeyYeah you could do worse Monica. He's a really good guy.
PhoebeYou know you should do? Ok, don't decide, now. Ok, just wait till you're in the moment and whatever you're feeling that will be your answer.
RachelYeah, and when Pete gets down on his knee and pulls out that pumpkin-sized diamond ring...
PhoebeAll right. I gotta go. I have to break up with Vince.
ChandlerOh, so you're going with the teacher, huh?
PhoebeYeah, I like Vince a lot, you know? But, it's just Jason's so sensitive, you know? And in the long run, I think sensitive it's-s-s better than having just like a really, really, really nice (Pause) body. (Her eyes glaze over thinking about the body.) (Pause) Jason! Definitely Jason! Ok, wish me luck!
AllGood luck!
(Pause)
RachelOH Ah ah ah!!! (She holds her hands up in triumph and the gang all look at her.) Sorry, I was just imagining what it'd be like to catch the money bouquet. A Fire House, Phoebe has gone to break up with Vince. PhoebeExcuse me. Umm, is Vince here?
FiremanOh sure. Vince?!
VinceYo!! (Slides down that pole that fire station's have)
PhoebeWow! I didn't know you guys actually use those.
VinceSo, what's up?
PhoebeUmm, wow. This-this isn't gonna be easy. Umm, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
VinceUh-huh. G-good deal.
PhoebeI'm sorry.
VinceNo-no it's ok. It's just that ah, I thought we had something pretty special here. And you know I-I felt like you were someone I could finally open up to, and... (starts choking up) That there's so much in me I have to share with you yet.
PhoebeOh my God, I didn't...
Vince(Starting to cry) I'm sorry, I can't talk. I'm gonna go write in my journal. (Walks away)
Phoebe(Running after him) Wait-wait-wait! Wait!! Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there. Phoebe(to Ross) I'm telling you, if you wanna take care of that thing, you should go see my herbal guy.
RossThank you, but I wanna remove it Pheebs. I don't want to make it savory.
MonicaYou know when girls sleep with guys with weird things on their body, they tell their friends about it.
RossGimme this. (Grabs the herbalist's card and leaves.)
Rachel(Entering) Hi! Ok, don't be mad at me, but I couldn't resist.
MonicaBrides magazines?
RachelYes, and I know that you'd say no if he asked you, but I'm sorry; how great would you look walking down the aisle in this Donna Karan. (Shows her the picture.)
Phoebe(Gasps) Oh, you so would! Oh, you should get that anyway. (They both look at her.) For clubbing.
MonicaAnd so weird, I know what I said, but uh, this morning, I was lying in bed I was, I was imagining what it would be like to say yes. (Rachel slams the magazine shut in amazement.) I mean, I know, it's a little sudden, and it's a little rushed, and it's totally not like me to do something like this, but that doesn't mean I can't. Right? I mean I'm-I'm crazy about Pete, and I know that we want the same things, and when I thought about saying yes, it made me really happy.
RachelOh my God. (Starting to cry)
MonicaI know. (Pause) I need more pie. (Goes and gets some)
PhoebeHey Mon umm, if you do get married, can I bring two guests?
RachelYou didn't break up with that fireman?
PhoebeNo, that was my way of telling you. Well, it turns out he's incredibly sensitive, he keeps a journal and he paints. He even showed me charcoal drawings that he drew of me.
RachelWow!
PhoebeYeah, well he'd prefer water colors, but you know, he has easy access to a lot of charcoal.
MonicaSo then, are you going to dump Jason?
PhoebeWell, yeah, because I have to break up with someone, and... Ok so Jason is sensitive, (Holds up one finger) but now so's Vince (holds up one finger on her other hand) Plus, Vince has the body you know? (Holds up two more fingers on the Vince side) So... It's really just about the math. Jason's apartment, Phoebe has gone to break up with Jason. Phoebe(Knocks on the door) Jason?
JasonYeah, come on in.
(She goes in, and sees Jason without his shirt. It turns out that he has a great body too, and is at a loss for words.)
JasonSo Phoebe, you ah, sounded kinda serious on the phone, is ah, is anything wrong?
PhoebeNah-ha! Phoebe's Herbal Guy's office, Ross is there about his thing. Ross is looking around the exam room, and he goes over to a large bank of drawers, pulls one out and almost spills it as the herbalist, Guru Saj, enters. Guru SajYou must be Ross.
RossHi.
Guru SajI am Guru Saj. (Takes the drawer back and replaces it.)
RossListen, I gotta tell you I've-I've never been to a guru before, so...
Guru SajWell, relax. If it makes you feel better, I've attended some of the finest medical schools in Central America. Well then, let's take a look at this skin abnormality of yours. (motions to the table) Come on, have a seat. (Looks at it) Eeh, huh. As I suspected, it's a kundus!
RossWhat's a kundus?
Guru SajI don't know, what's a kundus with you? (Starts laughing as if that joke was funny, Ross only looks at him, and he stops) Please, lie down! I've got a salve that oughta shrink that right up.
RossWell, I guess it's worth a try.
Guru SajOh sure, we should see results- Whoa!! Clearly not the way to go!! (Quickly wipes it off)
RossWhat?! What?!
Guru SajWe appear to have angered it.
RossWe?! We angered it?!
Guru SajOh, I think I see the problem. And I'm afraid we're gonna have to use a much stronger tool. (Ross gives him a 'What?' look) Love.
RossOh God!
Guru SajRoss, often these things are nothing more than just negative energy trying to escape your body. Now this is not gonna come off unless you learn to love it, my friend. So let me hear you say, you will love the kundus.
RossI love the kundus.
Guru Saj(He starts moving his hands around in circles above the thing.) Ross, there is absolutely no way this is going to come off unless you start to...
RossOw!!
Guru SajOops.
RossWhat was, what was that?
Guru SajWell it's gone.
RossWhat?! How's that?
Guru SajGot caught on my watch.
RossHey! (Congratulates him) Pete's apartment, Pete and Monica are coming back from a date. PeteLights. (The lights turn on, once again they're too bright.) Uh, romantic lights. (The lights dim.)
MonicaOoh, nice.
PeteSo ah, there was this thing I wanted to talk to you about.
MonicaOh, right! I completely forgot about that.
PeteWell, ah, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I look at my life...
MonicaYeah?
PeteAnd I feel like I've conquered the business world, and I feel like I've conquered the intellectual world, and now I-I have the most beautiful woman in the world.
MonicaWow.
PeteBut there's one thing missing.
MonicaWhat's that?
PeteIt's time for me to conquer the physical world.
MonicaOk. (not sure of herself)
PeteMonica, I wanna become (Pause) the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
MonicaYou wanna what?!
PeteI wanna become the Ultimate Fighting Champion! It's the most intense physical competition in the world, it's banned in 49 states!
MonicaWhat're you talking about?
PeteOk, my trainer, Ho Chi, is teaching me a combination of Jeet Kun Do and Brazilian street fighting, I've even had my own octagon training ring designed.
MonicaAnd I suppose you used a ring designer for that.
PeteYeah. Monica, I want you there in the front row when I win. I want you close enough to smell the blood. What do you think?
MonicaMy parents will be so happy. Central Perk, Phoebe's singing, Vince is also there. Phoebe(Singing) "Crazy underwear, creeping up my butt. (Jason enters) Crazy underwear, always in a rut. Crazy under-(sees Jason)-wear..." (In her head) Oh No! What is he doing here? All right, just keep playing, just keep playing. You'll get through this; you'll be fine. (She tries to continue the song, but she has lost the ability to pronounce words, and the lyrics come out as gibberish.) (Giving up on the song) Ok, thank you. And, as always no one talk to me after the show.
(They all applaud her.)
Jason(Going up to her) Hey. I was...
PhoebeHey!
JasonI was passing by and I saw that you were playing tonight, it's kinda cool seeing you up there. (Kisses her)
Vince(Running over) Whoa! Hey-hey-whoa! What's, going on here? Who is this guy?
PhoebeI don't know, he just started kissing me. Get him! Get him, Vince!
VinceWhat?!
JasonWhat?!
PhoebeYeah, ok, I've-I've been dating both of you, and it's been really horrible. 'Cause you know it's been a lot of fun, for me. Umm, but I-I like you both, and I, and I didn't know how to choose, so... I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm terrible, I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible.
VincePhoebe, Phoebe, relax, it's ok. I mean we never said this was exclusive.
JasonYeah, and neither did we. Give yourself a break.
PhoebeReally?!
JasonYeah. I mean you know, we haven't been going out that long. Come on, we haven't even slept together yet. Huh.
VinceYou haven't?
JasonYou have?
PhoebeWell, this is none of my business. (Starts to walk away)
Jason(to Phoebe) I-I can't believe this! You-you've slept, with him?!
PhoebeWell, I made you a candle light dinner in the park.
JasonYou know Phoebe, I'm gonna make this real easy for you. (Walks out)
Phoebe(to Vince) Well, that could've been really awkward.
VinceYou made him a candle light dinner in the park?
PhoebeYeah, but I-I-I-I can do that for you, I'm gonna do that for you.
VinceUh yeah, I can't believe I ever went out with somebody who would actually, have an open flame in the middle of a wooden area. (Walks out) Guru Saj's office. Joey and Chandler have taken the duck to see the guru. Chandler(Comforting the duck) Everything's gonna be all right. Ok, Dick?
Guru Saj(Entering) Hello, I am Guru Saj- (Sees the duck)-Whoa!! (to Joey) He's supposed to be a duck, right? 'Cause otherwise, this is waaay out of my league.
JoeyYeah, yeah. He's got a, he's got a really bad cough, and our vet, he can't do anything about it. Is there something you can do?
Guru SajHmm, let me see. Let me see. Do you think you could get him to eat a bat?
(The duck starts to frantically flap his wings, while Joey is holding him, in an attempt to get away.)

Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp