Central Perk, the whole gang minus Monica is there. ChandlerDo you think that there's a town in uh, Missouri or some place called Sample? And ah, as you're driving into town there's-there's like a sign, and it says "You're in Sample."
Monica(Entering) Hey.
RachelHow'd it go with Pete?!
JoeyTell us!
MonicaYou're not gonna believe this. Ok, so I go over...
[Two guys walk over and interrupt her. They're both names you've already heard. One's Billy Crystal. Yes, that Billy Crystal from City Slickers. The other one is Robin Williams. Yes, that Robin Williams from Mrs. Doubtfire.]
Billy CrystalI'm sorry. Ex-excuse us. I'm sorry, it's a little crowded. Do you mind if we... (motions to the couch)
Robin WilliamsYeah, could you scooch?
BillyYeah, move over just a little bit. Gracias.
(Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey all scooch over to let them sit down.)
RobinKeep on scooching. Gracias.
[Cut to Monica telling the gang about what happened at Pete's]
MonicaSo, guys listen, I go over there, and umm you know, I-I...
(Robin interrupts her again by complaining loudly to Billy as the camera cuts to them.)
RobinWhy? Why?! What's it always me?!
BillyWhat's the matter?
RobinTim, I have a feeling... I, my wife is sleeping with her gynecologist.
(The gang is now eavesdropping in on the conversation, and is shocked.)
BillyHow do you know?
RobinWell you know, he's got access.
RobinYou know it's that feeling you get, you know?
BillyLike when you go bowling and you know you're in somebody else's shoes?
RobinThat's the one.
[Cut back to the gang.]
PhoebeAll right, so, so you went to Pete's...
RossWhat happened?
Monica(Robin is speaking loudly again) I...
[Cut to Billy and Robin]
RobinWhy is this happening to me?! I don't know, maybe it's my wound.
[Cut to the gang]
MonicaForget it. (They all turn and listen to Billy and Robin)
BillyIt's-it's not healed yet?
RobinNo-no, it's ooozing, oozing. (to Rachel) Could you pass me the cream? Is there any-Uh, there's the cream.
BillyThomas, this is gonna be hard, but I wanted it to come from me, and nobody else.
RobinWhat is it, Tim?
BillyIt's me, I've been sleeping with your wife.
Joey(to Billy) So you're the gynecologist?
Billy(to Joey) Hey, I'm trying to have a private conversation right?
Robin(Starting to cry) Ooh, (to Rachel) Can I have a napkin, please? Could you please hand me a napkin? (Rachel tries to grab one, but is to slow for his tastes.) Let me-give me this thing! (Grabs the napkin holder from her.) all right!! Enough! (to Billy) And you are no longer my friend! We are finished! (Gets up to leave) Nada!! No more! You are a bastard for doing this!! (Billy follows him) Get away from me!!
BillyThomas, come back here! (They both leave)
[Cut to the gang, they're all stunned]
PhoebeSo Monica, what were you gonna tell us?
Monica(Pause) I have no idea. Central Perk, continued from earlier. RachelSo, come on, what was the big news Pete wanted to tell you Mon?! Or should I say Mrs. Monica Becker?
PhoebeNo-no-no oh, keep your name, don't take his name.
MonicaHe didn't ask me to marry him.
PhoebeWell then definitely don't take his name.
MonicaHe wanted to tell me he's going to compete is some ultimate fighting competition thingy.
The GuysPete?!
RachelWhy?! What is it?
MonicaI don't know exactly. It's-it's sorta like wrestling.
Phoebe(intrigued) Oh?!
MonicaYeah, but without the costumes.
Phoebe(Disappointed) Oh.
JoeyAnd it's not fake, it's totally brutal.
ChandlerYeah, it's two guys in a ring, and the rules are: "There're are no rules."
Rachelwhich made a great 12-year-old.
ChandlerOh, it's the best year of my life.
MonicaYou can like, bite, and pull people's hair and stuff?
RossYeah, anything goes, except ah, eye gouging and fish hooking.
MonicaWhat's fish hooking?
RossWhat's fish hooking... (Joey sticks his finger in Ross's mouth and pulls on his cheek, you know like when you hook a fish.) (to Joey, sarcastic) Thanks man, that would 've been really hard to describe. What is that taste?
JoeyWhat? My hands are totally clean, I just gave the duck a bath. Chandler's office, he is just finishing a meeting with his boss. DougSo thanks for the warm welcome. It's good to have you guys on my team, I come to play. I hope you do too. Now, let's go out there and get 'em! Huh? And remember, there is no 'I' in team.
ChandlerYes, but there's two in martini, soo everybody back to my office.
Doug(to Chandler) You! Chuckles! What's your name?
ChandlerOh it's Bing, sir. I'm sorry, I was just ah...
DougNo-no, I heard what you said, funny. I like funny. (Chandler starts to leave) This team is about hard work, but it's also about having fun. Good to have you aboard Bing! (smacks him on the butt, and Chandler leaves shocked.) Monica and Rachel's, Ross is making reservations. Ross(on phone) That's right, Ryder. Wynona Ryder, for six. (Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up) (to the gang) Yeah, we have the reservations.
ChandlerAll right buddy, way to go! (Smacks him on the butt)
Ross(Stunned) Dude, what're you doing?
ChandlerThank you! Today, my boss keep slapping my butt and he was acting like it was no big deal.
PhoebeYeesh, what'd you do about it?
ChandlerWell, I didn't do anything. I didn't wanna be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.
MonicaI gotta tell you, I think it's ok to be that guy.
JoeyYeah, maybe it's like you know, that jock thing. You know how football players pat each other after a touchdown. (Pats Ross on the butt)
(Ross throws his hands out in a "What are you doing?" gesture)
RachelYou know I don't, I don't understand guys, I mean I-I would never congratulate Monica on a great stew by you know, grabbing her boob.
ChandlerYeah, I know, for a really great stew you just you know, stick your head in between 'em.
MonicaOk, can we please go eat?
JoeyYeah. What're we getting?
Monica(to Chandler) Anything but stew.
RossAll right so, Chandler, from now on, don't give your boss a chance to get you. You know just ah, don't turn your back to him.
JoeyYeah, or you can teach him a lesson. You know? What you could do is you could rub something that really smells on your butt, all right? Then, when he goes to smack ya, his hand will smell. (Thinking aloud) Now what could you rub on your butt that would smell bad?
Chandler(to Ross and Monica) What if Joey was President?
(Monica, Ross, Chandler, and Joey exit.)
PhoebeUmm, hey Rach, can I ask you something?
PhoebeOk, you can totally say no, but umm, would it be ok with you if I set Ross up on a date?
RachelOh. Ahhh, with who?
PhoebeUmm, my friend, Bonnie. She just always thought Ross was really cute, and now that you two aren't together, she asked if I could set it up, but if you're not cool with it...
RachelOh-oh-oh, which one is Bonnie again?
PhoebeYou remember her from my birthday party two years ago. She's yeah, like, average height, medium build, bald...
RachelOh! (Laughs) That's fine.
RachelCome on, Ross and the bald girl? Absolutely.
RachelGreat! Ok, good for you! (as they leave she slaps Rachel on the butt) A Gym, Pete is training for the Ultimate Fighting Championship, with his trainer, Ho Chi. Ho ChiYou are iron. You are steel! Let me ask you something, how come when I call your computer support line, I have to wait an hour and a half?
PeteI told you, we're adding new operators all the time. Could we concentrate on my training?
Ho ChiIt's just hard when I know I have e-mail I can't get!
Monica(Entering) Hi!
PeteMonica! (Runs over and kisses her) Hi honey.
Ho ChiAll right, on the table, on the table. (Pete gets on the table for his rubdown)
MonicaHey, umm, so listen umm, my friends were telling me a little about this ah, ultimate fighting thing and it, well it sounds really dangerous. I-I don't want you to get hurt, 'cause I, I kinda like you.
PeteOh, believe me, I don't wanna get hurt either. I'm being smart about this. See these guys? They're the best trainers in the world, and Ho Chi here used to be a paid assassin. (Ho Chi yells something at him in Cantonese) A house painter! He used to be a house painter.
MonicaPromise me you'll be careful.
PeteI promise.
MonicaHey, are we still on for tonight?
MonicaOk, good, because umm, well, maybe we could have a little workout of our own...
Ho ChiNo! No boom boom before big fight!
MonicaHow about just a boom? Central Perk, Phoebe is there with Bonnie, as Rachel enters. Rachel(to Phoebe) Well that was depressing, I think I just bought a soft pretzel from one of The Kids from Fame. (Apparently she thinks selling soft pretzel is not as good as being an actor/singer.) Ready to go to the movies?
PhoebeUm-hmm. Oh wait! This is Bonnie. (Who has hair by the way)
RachelThis is Bonnie? (to Phoebe) This is Bonnie? (to Bonnie) You're Bonnie?
BonnieI can show you an ID if you want?
RachelOh no, I'm sorry, just, you look a lot different than the last time I-I saw you.
BonnieOh, yeah, well I just started wearing bras again.
RachelOh, that must be it.
Phoebe(to Bonnie) Well I hope you have fun tonight.
BonnieThanks! You too.
(Phoebe starts to leave, Rachel slowly follows, shocked about how good Bonnie looks now.)
[Cut to outside of Central Perk]
Rachel(to Phoebe) You said she was bald.
PhoebeYeah, she was bald, she's not now.
RachelHow could you not tell me that she has hair?
PhoebeI don't know, I hardly ever say that about people.
Rachel(Looks in the window) Ohh, well, this is just perfect!
PhoebeWell I'm sorry, I thought you said it was ok.
RachelYeah, I said it was ok when I thought she was some weird bald chick. I mean, you know, that girl has hair got all over her head!
PhoebeWell, maybe it won't work out. Maybe Ross won't like her personality.
RachelWhy, did she have a bad personality?
PhoebeOh no, Bonnie's the best! Chandler's office, Chandler is benting over getting some water as his boss approaches. DougBing! (Chandler stands bolt upright and turns around to face him.) Read your Computech proposal, real home run. (He goes to slap his butt, but Chandler slides over making him miss.) Ooh. Barely got ya that time, get over here. Come on. (Chandler goes over) Wham! (Slaps him on the butt) Good one. Now that was a good one. (to a couple of Chandler's co-workers) Keep at it team. (Goes into his office)
Chandler(to his co-workers) What is with him?
PhilWith him? You're his favor, you're his guy!
StevensWe never get smacked.
ChandlerWell, that's not true, he-he smacked you once.
PhilNot on purpose, he ricocheted of you and got me.
StevensI'm telling you, I need some smacks. I got a kid starting Dartmouth in the fall.
Doug(Coming out of his office) Dartmouth? Who went to Dartmouth? Dartmouth sucks. you gotta Dartmouth Bing?
ChandlerNo sir.
DougThere you go. (Smacks him on the butt) The Ultimate Fighting Championship, Ross and Monica are there watching Pete. Ross(Walking up with this huge tub-o-popcorn and drink) Hey!
MonicaGod Ross, what is that?
RossYeah, it's the Ultimate Fighting Combo. Yeah, I saved thirty cents, plus I get to keep the cup. Yay!!
AnnouncerFrom New York City, New York! Appearing in his Ultimate Fighting Championship debut! He's known for his confrontational business style. Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing Pete Beck-errrr!!
[Pete enters with his entourage all pumped up, and Ross and Monica are the only ones who stand up and cheer.]
MonicaI love you, Pete!!!
AnnouncerAnd his opponent, from Huntington Beach, California! He's a 300 pound street fighter, Tank Abbottttttt!!!!
(The crowd goes wild, and Ross is the only one booing him.)
Monica(Going up to the ring) Pete! Pete!! That guy's pretty huge!
PeteDon't worry, Ho Chi taught me how to use an opponent's strength and weight against him.
RossWell, then that guy is in serious, serious trouble.
(Pete and Monica kiss, and Monica mouths "I love you." to him.)
RossAll right! You go get him! Let's go!
RefereeHere we go gentlemen, here we go! (to Tank Abbott) Are you ready? (He nods, and takes out his teeth) (to Pete) Are you ready? (Pete nods, "Yes.") Let's get it on!!
(They both rush each other. Tank picks Pete up and carries him over and slams him into the fence surrounding the ring.)
(Tank carries Pete over to the other side of the ring, and we see both Ross and Monica wince in pain.)
[Later after the fight. Monica is walking up to a defeated Pete.]
MonicaHey! (she sits down next to him) It's me. Mon-i-ca!
PeteWho else would it be?
MonicaWell earlier, when you were coming to, you called me Fran. Can I just tell you how proud I am of you?
PeteIt would be nice after hearing 20,000 people chant "You suck!"
MonicaI mean I-I thought you were nuts at first, I did, but you-you did it. And now you can just look back at this whole thing with no regrets.
PeteLook, look back?
MonicaWell, you're not gonna keep going are you?
PeteWell let me ask you a question. Am I the Ultimate Fighting Champion?
MonicaWell, no. But...
PeteWell I'm not gonna stop until I'm the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
MonicaThat guy stood on your neck until you passed out!
PeteLet me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1, that burnt down my dad's garage, there was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight, never to let a guy stand on my neck.
MonicaYou didn't know that already?
PeteLook, I'm gonna get better. Ok? I promise you.
MonicaOk, just get a lot better. (Pause) Fast.
PeteOh, one other thing. Ho Chi thinks that you being ringside may have affected my concentration.
MonicaYeah. That-that was the problem.
Monica and Rachel's balcony, Ross and Phoebe are grilling some burgers and hot dogs. Monica(Joining them) Hey.
RossHey! How long till Pete's fight?
MonicaOh, about five minutes. Right now they're interviewing his opponent. Apparently he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.
RossHot dog?
MonicaFour, please. (Ross looks at her) I'm really nervous. (Ross gives her the four dogs) Thank you. (She grabs four buns, and heads back inside)
PhoebeSo Ross, how umm, how did it go with Bonnie?
RossEh? Oh! I gotta tell you, I-I wasn't expecting to like her at all, I mean I actually wasn't expecting to like anyone right now, but she's really terrific.
PhoebeOhh, it's too bad!
RossNo, I-I'm saying I liked her.
PhoebeYeah, you know what, there are other fish in the sea.
RossPheebs, I think she's great. Ok? We're going out again.
PhoebeOk, I hear you! Are you capable of talking about anything else?
Chandler(Joining them) Hey! Which one's my turkey burger?
RossAhh, the one next to my foot. Sorry.
Joey(Sticking his head out the window) Hey, the fight's starting!
RossOk, we'll be right in. (to Chandler) So ah, did your boss try to slap you again today?
ChandlerNine times! Ok, I had to put on lotion! But, it's gonna be ok, because as of tomorrow I'm conducting an experiment, and if all goes as planned, my butt will be smack free.
Joey(Sticking his head out the window) Fight's over!
(Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe all stop dead in their tracks at the news.) Chandler's office, Chandler is confronting his boss about the butt smacking thing. His boss is writing on a white board. ChandlerExcuse me, Doug? (No reaction) Hey you there sports fan!!
Doug(Turning around) Bing! You got those numbers for me?
ChandlerNo, I ah, I didn't do them.
DougOh, you forgot?
ChandlerNo, no, I just ah, didn't do them. Instead, I ah, hung out with some friends and had a couple of beers so I certainly don't deserve any praise, verbal or otherwise.
DougWell, I got tanked myself last night. Pretty dicey drive home, Tappan Zee Bridge never looked smaller. (Laughs) That's ok, you're still my number one guy! (Slaps him on the butt) Bing!
ChandlerI'm a little bit uncomfortable with the way that you express yourself.
DougOh, is it the swearing? I mean is it the constant swearing? Because I gotta tell you, if it is, you can just... kiss my ass!
ChandlerNo, no. It-it's not about the swearing, it's more about ah, the way, that you ah, occasionally, concentrate, your enthusiasm on my buttocks.
ChandlerOh, and don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment. It's just that I, I have a rather, sensitive posterior, and ah, besides, it's making all the other guys jealous.
DougWell, say no more. You know, it takes guts to bring this up. Bing! You're ok.
ChandlerOk. (he starts to leave)
DougHa! (Goes to smack him on the butt, but stops, faking Chandler out) Ahhhhhhh!
ChandlerAhhhhh! (Walks out, imitating shooting himself in the head) The street outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are talking and walking. PhoebeOk. Would you rather live in the shirt pocket of a sweaty giant, or inside his shower drain?
Rachel(Seeing Ross and Bonnie inside Central Perk) Oh my God! Phoebe look, it's Ross and that girl.
(We see Ross and Bonnie laughing and having a good time.)
PhoebeNo! No! Look at that! (Drags her away from the window) It's a line of ants! They're working as a team!
RachelPhoebe! (Goes back to the window)
Phoebe(Looking in the window) Right, oh yeah. Wow, oh, it looks like Ross is breaking up with her. Uff, I hope he lets her down easy. Let's go.
RachelCome on, Phoebe, look at that! They are not breaking up, look at them. Ok that, you know what that is? That is a, that is a second date, that's what that is! Look at that, she just put her hand on his thigh...
PhoebeOh no! That really is nothing, she is very sexually aggressive.
RachelOhh! (Walking away from the window) Phoebe, this is all your fault! Now he loves her, he's gonna marry her, and this is all your fault.
PhoebeYou said it was ok!
RachelYou said she was bald!!
PhoebeWas! Was-was-was-was-was!!!
RachelPhoebe, we can't, we just can't just let it happen! Ok, we have to do something! We have to break them up! Ok? You- just go in there and like, shave her head! You owe me one bald girl!!
PhoebeOk, first of all, breathe. Second of all, I don't get it. Aren't you the one that decided that you didn't wanna be with Ross?
Rachel(Quietly) Yes.
PhoebeWell isn't he your friend? Don't you want him to be happy?
RachelI just you know, I didn't expect him to be this happy so soon. Ufff. Ooo-ooh! (Sits down on the curb)
Phoebe(Sits down next to her and hugs her) Oh no.
PhoebeOh, we killed them all.
(They both jump up and wipe off their butts.) A locker room, Pete is in a full upper-body cast. Monica enters, sees him, and gasps. Pete tries to turn around, and winces in pain. PeteIt's ok, it's not as bad as it looks, it's a precaution. Ah, I'm not supposed to move my spine.
MonicaPlease tell me you're stopping now.
PeteI'm fine! I'd fight tonight, if they'd let me. (Stands up and starts swinging his arms) See this circle I'm marking off here? This is my zone of terror.
MonicaOk. You are insane! You-you gotta give this up!
PeteI can't until I'm the ultimate fighter. I will do it. I'm telling you, the day will come when children will argue over who will win a fight, me or Superman. Now, how much I can beat Superman, but you know, kids are stupid.
MonicaSit down. All right? Please, Lis-listen to me. You are terrible at this! Ok? You are the worst ultimate fighter ever! Ever!!
PeteYou know I have a torn rotator cuff, a hairline fracture in my right forearm, and a severely bruised Adam's Apple, but that really hurt.
MonicaWell then, you know what? I care about you too much to watch you hurt yourself like this. So if you have to do this, then you're gonna have to do it without me.
PeteWell if you're asking me to quit, then you're asking me to be someone I'm not. I've got to do this.
MonicaThen I've gotta go. Bye. (Kisses him and starts to walk out)
PeteCould you leave a note? 'Cause I'm on a lot of painkillers now, and I don't know if I'll remember this tomorrow. (She leaves.) Chandler's office, he is just finishing up a meeting with his boss and the rest of his team. DougSo, in conclusion, the lines all go up (Points to the chart), so, I'm happy. Great job team! Tomorrow, 8:30. (They start to leave) Phil! Nice job. (Smacks him on the butt) Stevens! Way to go! (Smacks him on the butt) Joel-burg, you maniac! I love ya! (Smacks him on the butt) (Chandler walks up) Bing! Good job, couldn't have done it without you. (He shakes his hand)
ChandlerThank you, sir.
Stevens(Coming back in) Oh, excuse me. I forgot my briefcase you know, by accident.
DougOf course, you did. Forgot something else too ya bastard! (Smacks him on the butt) (to Chandler) Well, what about you? You're not feeling left out or anything are ya?
ChandlerNo. No, not at all, that's-that's ridiculous.
DougEverybody else got one, and you want one too. Don't you?
ChandlerYe-ye-yeah, yes I do!
DougNow get on outta here you! (Smacks him on the butt) Monica and Rachel's, the gang is watching Pete fight on TV. Monica is hiding in the kitchen, not watching. TV AnnouncerPete Becker is circling the ring now. Looks like he's just trying to feel him out. Oh, Bruiser is charging...
ChandlerRun! Run you crazy, rich freak!
RachelOh, I can't watch this. (Turns her eyes away)
JoeyCheck it out, he's winning! (to Monica) Pete's winning!
TV AnnouncerUh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favorite area.
AllOh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)
PhoebeWait, if that's his favorite area, why is he being so mean to it?
RossThis is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn't wanna have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can't.
AllOhh!! (They all start pointing at the screen)

Story by Mark J. Kunerth & Pang-ni Landrum; Teleplay by Scott Silveri & Shana Goldberg-Meehan; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp