Monica and Rachel's, the gang is there eating breakfast. Chandler is cleaning out his wallet. PhoebeOk, new wallet, huh?
ChandlerOh-yeah, it was time. The old condom ring in the leather just doesn't say cool anymore you know?
MonicaRachel!
RachelWhat?
MonicaYou just put an empty carton back in the fridge!
RachelOh yeah, I know, but the garbage was full.
MonicaHave you ever taken out the trash?
RachelYeah!
MonicaSince you've lived here? (Hands her the garbage.)
RachelWell, I uh thought you liked doing it. (Rachel starts out the door and stops.)
MonicaThird door on the left.
RachelRight! Garbage room, Mr. Treeger is unclogging the trash chute as Rachel enters. RachelOh! Hey, Mr. Treeger.
Mr. TreegerHey.
(Rachel opens the trash chute, winces at the smell, and throws the garbage bag in. She then tries to throw the pizza box in, but since it's so big she jams it into the opening and it prevents the door from closing. She then turns around too see Mr. Treeger watching her.)
Mr. TreegerWhat're you doing?
RachelUmmm. Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. (She grabs the box and offers him a piece.) It's a little old but...
Mr. TreegerNo! You're clogging up the chute that I spent a half-hour unclogging!
RachelOh, I'm sorry. I didn't- I don't come in here a lot.
Mr. TreegerAw, yeah, 'course you don't!
RachelNo.
Mr. Treeger'Cause you're a little princess! "Daddy, buy me a pizza. Daddy, buy me a candy factory. Daddy, make the cast of Cats sing Happy Birthday to me..."
RachelWow, I never said that.
Mr. TreegerWell you think you just come in here, make a mess, a big man in the coveralls will come and clean it up, huh? Well, why don't you think of someone else for a change?
Rachel(Starting to cry) Ok, I'm sorry. (Runs out still carrying the pizza box.)
[Cut to Monica and Rachel's apartment as Rachel returns in tears.]
MonicaGod! You're gonna cry about it! (She grabs the box and goes to throw it out.) Monica and Rachel's, Continued from earlier, Rachel is now telling everyone of her experience in the garbage room. JoeyWhoa-whoa, Treeger made you cry?
RachelYes! And he said really mean things that were only partly true.
JoeyI'm gonna go down there and teach that guy a lesson.
MonicaJoey, please don't do that. I think it's best we just forget about it.
RachelThat's easy for you to say, you weren't almost just killed.
JoeyAll right that's it, school is in session! (Exits and slams the door.)
Monica(Picking up a card from Chandler's wallet.) My God! Is this a gym card?
ChandlerOh yeah, gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times.
RossSo why don't you quit?
ChandlerYou don't think I've tried? You think I like having 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all of these phrases and peppiness to try to confuse you! And then they bring out Maria.
RossWho is Maria?
ChandlerOh Maria. You can't say no to her, she's like this Lycra Spandex covered gym...treat.
RossDo you need me to go down there with you and hold your hand?
ChandlerNo!
RossAll right, so you're strong enough to face her alone?
ChandlerOh no, you'll have to come. Treeger's apartment, Joey knocks on the door and Treeger opens it. Mr. TreegerTribbiani! Hold on, I'll get the plunger.
JoeyHey! You hold on pal! Now you made my friend Rachel cry. So now, you're gonna go up there and you're gonna apologize to her, unless you want me to call the landlord.
Mr. TreegerAnd tell them what?
JoeyMaybe you haven't heard of a little something called, Not Making Girls Cry.
Mr. TreegerYeah. Well maybe you have heard about the Rent Stabilization Act 1968!
JoeyI have actually not heard of that.
Mr. TreegerYeah, well your friends are in violation of it. Uh I've been a nice guy up until now, but uh, I don't need this grief. I'm gonna call the landlord and tell him that Monica is illegally subletting her grandmother's apartment. Your friends are outta here pal.
JoeyDon't you tell me something I don't know! (He storms out, and once Treeger closes the door behind him, Joey makes an 'Oops!' face.) Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, everyone is still eating breakfast. PhoebeOh please, somebody tell me I don't have to go to work today!
MonicaWhat's the matter?
PhoebeOh, my first massage is this incredibly gorgeous guy, and every time I see him I just wanna do things to him that I'm not allowed to charge for.
MonicaSo do them for free.
PhoebeOh no, it is forbidden! No-no, Mrs. Potter fires people for messing around with clients. And it's against my oath as a masseuse.
RossThey make you take an oath?
PhoebeNo, I made myself take one. Yeah, no fooling around with clients and umm, always be prepared. Yeah, that one's actually from the Boy Scouts, but it just makes good sense.
ChandlerWhy don't you just give him to somebody else?
PhoebeNo, I can handle it. No, I'm a professional. (She starts to leave)
RachelOh Pheebs, is that a new ankle bracelet?
MonicaWow! And you got a pedicure. Your feet are all dressed up.
ChandlerBecause that's the only part of you he can see when he's on the table!
MonicaYou're gonna do some feet flirting!
PhoebeI don't know what you're talking about. (Laughs nervously and continues to leave)
RossThen how do you explain the toe ring?!
PhoebeBecause it's Arabian princess day at work! Ok?! Leave me alone!
[Cut to later, Joey is returning from talking to Mr. Treeger.]
RachelOh! My hero! What happened?
JoeyWell uh, I went down there and I told him no one treats my friends like that and he'd better come up here and apologize. So see you later. (Starts to leave)
MonicaWhat a minute, what'd he say?
JoeyUh, he said that he wasn't gonna apologize because you guys are living here illegally, so instead what he's gonna do is have you evicted - I'll see you later.
RachelYou-you got us evicted?!
MonicaI told you not to go down there!
JoeyWell he made Rachel cry!
MonicaRachel always cries!
RachelAw! That's not true! (Starts to cry.)
MonicaOk Joey, you go down there and you suck up to him. I mean you suck like you've never sucked before!
JoeyAll right! I'll try! But if I can't, you stay with Chandler and I until you get settled.
RachelGo!!
JoeyAll right, all right, all right. (Starts to leave, stops, and turns around) I mean I have to check with him first, but I think he'll be cool. (Monica shoos him out.) Chandler's gym, He and Ross are there to cancel his membership. RossWhoa-whoa-whoa, hey! Now remember what we talked about, you gotta be strong.
ChandlerYes. (In a stronger voice) Yes!
RossUh one more time, "Hey, don't you want a washboard stomach and rock hard pecs?"
ChandlerNo! I want a flabby gut and saggy man breasts!
RossGood! That's good!
ChandlerOk. Ok. (They go inside) (To the guy at the desk) I wanna quit the gym.
Gym EmployeeYou wanna quit?
ChandlerI wanna quit the gym.
Gym EmployeeYou do realize you won't have access to our new full service Swedish spa.
Chandler(He turns to Ross and Ross makes a 'Be strong' sound.) I wanna quit the gym.
Gym EmployeeOk, Dave in the membership office, handles quitters. (Both Chandler and Ross start to make their way to the membership office.) (to Ross) 'Scuse me, are you a member?
RossMe? No.
Gym EmployeeSorry, members only.
Chandler(Horrified at the prospect of trying to quit alone and unsure about himself) I wanna quit the gym.
RossIt's ok man, be strong. (Chandler goes into the office.)
Gym Employee(to Ross) So, are you a member of any gym.
RossNo! And I'm not going to be, so you can save you little speech.
Gym EmployeeOk, no problem. (To someone out of the picture) Could you come here for a second?
(This gorgeous woman in spandex walks up)
WomanHi, I'm Maria.
Ross(at a loss for words.) Huuum. Healing Hands Inc., Phoebe's work, she is giving a massage to the guy, Rick, she likes. Rick(Looking at her feet) Wow, you 've really pretty feet.
PhoebeThese old things. I-
RickWould you mind spending some time on my sciatic area, it's been killing me today.
PhoebeYou mean the- ok by sciatic, you mean the, towel covered portion.
RickYeah.
PhoebeSure, yeah, no I can do that, yeah, because umm, you know, usually the muscles in the sciatic area can get you know, real (Lifts up the towel) nice and tight. Yeah. So umm, tell me Rick, how umm, how'd you injure the area.
RickOh, a 16-hour sit-in for Greenpeace.
PhoebeOh. (She goes to work, and her head slowly drops out of view.)
RickOw! Did you just bite me?
PhoebeNo! Mr. Treeger's apartment, Joey is there to suck up. Mr. TreegerWhat?
JoeyPlease don't kick Monica and Rachel out, this wasn't there fault, it was mine.
Mr. TreegerYou want me to kick you guys out instead?
JoeyNo you can't do that, where would the chick and the duck live?
Mr. TreegerYou have pets?!
JoeyNoo-no-no, no, those are uh, nicknames. Yeah, I'm the chick and Chandler is the duck.
Mr. TreegerHuh, I would've thought it was the other way around.
JoeyCome on man, just-just let the girls stay, I'll do whatever you want.
Mr. TreegerReally? You'll do anything?
JoeyYeah-yeah, absolutely.
Mr. TreegerYeah, I got something you can do.
JoeyWhat, what is it?
Mr. TreegerCan you be my dancing partner?
JoeyThat's not, prison lingo, is it? Chandler's Gym. Chandler is now in Dave's office trying to quit the gym. ChandlerI want to quit the gym!
DaveNow, can you honestly tell me that you're a hurdred percent satisfied with your body?
ChandlerYes! Yes! Most of the time. I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have. (Smiles)
DaveLook, we were voted "Best-equipped Gym in New York" two years running. Do you really wanna give that up?
ChandlerYes, I hate it here! Everything that you have in here is very heavy!
(Dave's phone rings.)
Dave(Answers) Yeah. (Listens) Really? Ok. (Hangs up) You don't wanna make your friend work out alone, do you?
ChandlerWhat friend?
DaveYour friend Ross, just joined. (Pulls up the blinds in his office to reveal Ross on an exercise bike; he waves. Maria is standing by him and wipes sweat from Ross' face with a towel.) Central Perk, Joey is telling Monica and Rachel what he has to do. MonicaHis dancing partner?!
JoeyYeah, there's this superintendent's dance, the Super Ball. Um, and he wants to impress Marge, this lady super that he's got a crush on.
RachelWhy doesn't he just practice with a girl?
JoeyWell, he's too shy, he doesn't think he's good enough to dance with girls yet.
RachelYeah, right, he almost danced me right down that...garbage chute. (Starts to cry)
MonicaOh, would you let it go already?! You're fine!
(Chandler and Ross enter)
ChandlerHey.
RachelHey! So, did you quit?
ChandlerNo, I almost did, couldn't leave Ross there without a spotter!
MonicaWait, now, so you joined the gym?
(Rachel starts to laugh.)
RossAnd that's funny, why?
RachelOh, umm, I was just, you know, picturing you working out and umm... Oh, that's it.
ChandlerWe're doomed. Ok, they're gonna take 50 bucks a month out of our accounts for the rest of our lives. What're we gonna do?
MonicaWell, you could actually go to the gym.
(Chandler and Ross both laugh)
RossOr! Or, we could go to the bank, close our accounts and cut them off at the source.
ChandlerYou're a genius!
JoeyAww, man, but then we won't be bank buddies!
ChandlerNow, there's two reasons.
Phoebe(Entering) Hey.
AllHey!
PhoebeOhh, you guys, remember that cute client I told you about? I bit him.
RachelWhere?!
PhoebeOn the tushy.
RossAnd that's not against your oath?!
PhoebeNo, I know! I'm-I'm sorry, but the moment I touch him, I just wanna throw out my old oath and take a new, dirty one.
MonicaWell, next time you massage him, you should try to distract yourself.
JoeyYeah! Yeah! Yeah! Like-like when I'm doing something exciting and I don't wanna get too excited, I just ah, you know I try and think about other things like ah sandwiches, and ah baseball, and ah Chandler!
ChandlerThank you, Joey.
JoeyNo-no, thank you. Treeger's apartment, Joey knocks and Mr. Treeger opens the door. JoeyAll right, I'm here, let's ah, get this over with.
Mr. TreegerOk huh, well, just ah, follow my lead. (Turns on some music)
JoeyWhoa-whoa, don't we need to do some kinda preparation first? Like ah, get really drunk?
Mr. TreegerAll right come on, eh, just ah, just ah, put your arms around me, eh.
(Joey does so, and they both start dancing. Treeger tries to spin Joey, but ends up throwing him into the door.)
Mr. TreegerAhhhh! I'm sorry!
JoeyNo, it's ok, but if I'm Marge, my breasts are coming out my back.
Mr. TreegerAhh, forget it! I'm not being be any good at this, my mom was right, I'm just a big potato with arms, and legs, and a head.
JoeyCome on, man, you're not a potato.
Mr. TreegerI'm sure as hell not a dancer, it's no use Marge, will never go for me.
JoeyUhh. Come on Treeger, don't say that. You just ah, you just need more practice. Here, come on, let's ah, let's try it again. Come on. (They start dancing again) Plus, it was, it was probably mostly my fault, anyway. I mean, you know, I'm not really that comfortable dancing with a- (Treeger throws him) We-he!! Hey!
Mr. TreegerYeah! Monica and Rachel's, Rachel and Monica are sitting at the table as Joey enters. MonicaSo how goes the dancing? Gay yet?
JoeyAh-ha-ha, you guys owe me big time. (He walks into the kitchen and does a little dance step on the way.)
Rachel(Laughing) What was that?
JoeyWhat?
RachelYou just did a little dancy thing.
JoeyNo I didn't.
MonicaYes you did! You did like a little hop.
RachelYou are soo enjoying this.
JoeyNo, I'm not! And it wasn't a hop it was a pas de bourrée.
Monica(Laughing harder) Oh! You know the words! You are so into this!
JoeyAll right, well maybe I'm enjoying it a little bit. I mean I'm getting pretty good at it.
RachelOoh, this is soo sweet, Joey our little twinkle toes.
JoeyHey-hey, hold on, this isn't some kind of like girly dance. All right, it's like a sport, you know, it's manly!
MonicaYeah. All right, come here, show me some manly moves.
JoeyAll right.
(They both get up and Monica expects Joey to take the lead, but he doesn't, and they fumble around for a little bit.)
JoeyI don't know how to lead. Ross and Chandler's bank, they are there to close their accounts. RossHello.
Bank OfficerHi.
RossWe'd like to close our accounts.
Bank OfficerClose your accounts? Is there some kind of problem?
RossNo-no.
ChandlerNo, we just, like to close them.
Bank OfficerOk, Ms. Lambert handles all our closures. (to a beautiful woman) Would you come over here please?
Ms. LambertHi, I'm Karen.
ChandlerI wanna quit the bank! Healing Hands, Inc., Phoebe is giving Rick a massage. Phoebe(Thinking to herself) Ok, baseball. Rick playing baseball. Ok, slides into second, maybe even his pants come down a little... Oh no- wait no, no! No! Ok, all right, sandwiches, sandwiches. Umm, ok, on a plate, maybe Rick's pants come down a little. No! No! Oh, Chandler! Ok Chandler, woo, that's working.
(The camera zooms in on the clock on the wall and it reads a quarter after one. Time lapse. The clock now reads 3:30, and Phoebe is still giving Rick his massage.)
Phoebe(Thinking to herself) Chandler's knees. Chandler's... ankles. Chandler's ankle hair. (Notices the clock) Oh no. (to Rick) Ok, you're all set.
{402:
ChipOh, like I'd give up that job! Free popcorn and candy, anytime I want. I can get you free posters for your room.
MonicaThanks, I'm set.}
RickOh wow! That was amazing, was that really just an hour?!
PhoebeYeah! In... really long hour world.
RickWhat?
PhoebeUgh, ok, I have an enormous crush on you. But because you're a client, I can't ask you out, even though you give me you know, the feeling.
RickWow! I had no idea! But uh, hey, I can always find another masseuse.
PhoebeReally?!
RickYeah, really.
(They start to kiss, then Rick stops suddenly.)
PhoebeWhat?
RickSuddenly, I'm very aware that I'm naked.
Phoebe(Laughs) Ok, quiet down. (They start to kiss again)
(Suddenly, Phoebe's boss, Mrs. Potter, and a client, Mr. Simon, enters.)
Mrs. PotterMr. Simon's been waiting for- (Sees Phoebe and Rick) Oh my God!
Mr. SimonWhy wasn't I offered that? I'd definitely pay more for that.
Mrs. PotterPhoebe, we have rules here, this is not that kind of place.
PhoebeOh yeah, oh and I know, but this isn't how it looks, at all, 'cause Rick is, uh, my husband.
Mrs. PotterOh really? Well, then you'd better tell his other wife, 'cause she called three times asking where he is.
PhoebeYes, I will tell her.
Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Ross are telling Joey, Rachel, and Monica of their bank woes. MonicaSo you didn't leave the bank?
RossNo! And somehow, we ended up with a joint checking account.
RachelWhat are you ever gonna use that for?!
ChandlerTo pay for the gym.
(Phoebe enters)
ChandlerHey.
PhoebeHey! So, I had a great day, Rick and I really hit it off, and we started making out, and then my boss walked in and fired me for being a whore.
JoeyWhat?!
RachelYou got fired?!
MonicaOh my Gosh!
PhoebeIt's so weird, I have never been fired from anything before!
RachelSweety...
PhoebeI just-I just started walking around not knowing what to do next, you know? I-I started asking people on the street if they wanted massages. Then these policemen, thought I was a whore too. Really, a bad day, whore-wise.
(There's a knock on the door and Chandler answers it.)
Mr. TreegerHey Duck, is Chick here?
ChandlerYeah... Bunny-rabbit.
Joey(To Mr. Treeger) So you ah, ready for our last practice?
Mr. TreegerYeah, but you know, I think the reason we're not getting that spin right is because my apartment's too small.
JoeyUhhh. You wanna use our place?
Mr. TreegerNah, I had another idea.
[Cut to the roof, where Joey and Mr. Treeger are dancing happily to 'Night and Day'.]
{Night and day, you are the one / Only you 'neath the moon or under the sun / Whether near to me or far / It's no matter, darling, where you are / I think of you night and day}
JoeyWe did it!!
Mr. TreegerI know, we did it!! Hey, that was incredible, huh?!
JoeyThat was amazing! I mean, we totally nailed it, it was beautiful.
Mr. TreegerThank you, listen, thanks a lot Tribbiani, (Checks watch). Oh my God, look at the time, I gotta catch the bus to the ball.
JoeyOh! Well, ok, good luck.
Mr. TreegerYeah.
JoeyUn-unless you wanna practice the Foxtrot again? Or-or the Tango?
Mr. TreegerAhh, thanks but, no. You see, See I-I think I'm ready to dance with girls.
JoeyOk.
Mr. TreegerYeah.
JoeyGo get 'em Treeger.
Mr. TreegerRight. (Starts to leave) Hey ah, you wanna come? Marge 's a girlfriend.
Joey(intrigued) Really?
Mr. TreegerYeah. Hey you could dance real good with her, she's the same size as me.
JoeyNo, I'm good.
(Treeger leaves, and Joey's dances off.) Lara and Jeni's Massage, Phoebe is interviewing for a job. InterviewerSo it looks like you've got some great experience here. Let's see, reason for leaving last job?
PhoebeYeah, they thought I was a whore.
InterviewerOk, we'll give you a call if anything comes up.
PhoebeGreat! Thank you very much.
(The interviewer watches her leave with an 'Oh my goodness' face.)

Written by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp