Central Perk, the gang's all there. Joey is doing a crossword puzzle. Monica looks over to see what he is writing.
Monica(to Joey) Joe, I-I don't think a four-letter word for "ship" can be "ship".
Joey(Looks and grins at Monica) I thought it was a freebie.
(Ross has a slip of paper that he throws on the ground tying to get Rachel's attention)
Ross(Picking up the slip of paper) Hello! What's this? Oh right it's that girl's phone number. (Rachel ignores him) Yeah-yeah, there it is, just a phone number a really hot girl gave me. (He holds it so that Rachel can see it, she continues to ignore him) It's no big deal, I mean it is her home phone number, but... (Rachel still ignores him) Whoa! (Throws it in her lap) Whoa-whoops, I almost lost this baby! Yeah, the lovely Amanda gives me her number and I-I go and drop it. (He waves it in front of Rachel's face. Then suddenly Phoebe has to sneeze and Rachel quickly grabs the slip of paper and gives it to Phoebe for her to sneeze into.)
PhoebeThank you. (Gives it back to Ross)
Central Perk, the next morning. Chandler, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are there.
GuntherWhen's your birthday?
RachelMay fifth, why?
GuntherOh, I-I'm just making a list of people's birthdays.
RossOh, mine's December...
GuntherYeah, whatever. (Walks away)
(Chandler is talking to Monica and notices a beautiful woman.)
ChandlerOhh, she's pretty. Pretty ahh, pretty girl, the pretty-she's pretty.
MonicaJust go up to her and ask her out. (Chandler laughs) Oh, what's the worst thing that could happen?
ChandlerI could die.
RossYeah, it's-it's tough being single. That's why I'm so glad I found Amanda.
RachelRoss, you guys went out once. You took your kids to Chucky Cheese, and you didn't even kiss her.
(Ross glares at Chandler.)
ChandlerI tell people secrets. It makes them like me.
RossAll I'm gonna say, is, finally, it's nice to be in a mature relationship.
RachelYou know, the world would be such a better place if that actually was all you were gonna say.
ChandlerHey! (Phoebe sneezes)
MonicaOhh. Phoebe! You're sick, you shouldn't play. You should just go and, get in bed, and stay there.
Phoebe(in a nasally voice, from her cold) But I'm un-unemployed, well my music is all I really have now. Well music, and making my own shoes. (She puts her shoe on the table, and it's horribly decorated) Pretty, huh? (Sneezes)
ChandlerAll right, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna go get shot down. Any advice?
MonicaJust be yourself. But, not too much.
Chandler(Gets up) (Softly) Wish me luck.
Ross(Loudly) Good luck!
ChandlerWish it! (To the woman, Kathy, he likes) Hi. Hi, I-I was just sitting over there, and uhh, Chandler. My name is Chandler. Did I say that?
KathyNo, you didn't. Hi, I'm Kathy.
ChandlerUh Kathy, with K or a C?
KathyWith a K.
KathyWow! You are really good at this.
ChandlerHey, come on, give me a break, I'm out on a limb here.
KathyI'm sorry, you're right, I apologize, but I should tell you that I'm waiting for a date. (Joey enters) Oh, and there he is now.
ChandlerHey! Hey, hey-hey, hey. (Joey kisses Kathy.)
JoeyHey, I see you guys already met, huh?
ChandlerYes-yes, I was just trying to figure out a way to uh, demonstrate how I could get my exceptionally large feet into my even bigger mouth.
JoeyDidn't I tell you? Always showing off.
PhoebeBefore I start, I just wanna say that umm, I have a cold, so, if I sneeze in the middle of song, it's not on purpose. Oh, except the last verse of Pepper People. (Starts to sing) Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you? (Stops singing) This chick sounds good. (Singing) Smelly cat, smelly-(stops singing) Hey Gunther, be a good little boy, bring me a whiskey.
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is walking into the living room having just gotten up in the middle of the night.
Chandler(Sees Kathy is up watching TV) Hi!
ChandlerJeez, at 2:30 in the morning, I didn't expect to have to fight over the remote.
KathyUh, I'm sorry, this's just this Ernie Kovacs thing on in a few minutes I wanted to watch.
ChandlerOh my God! That's why I got up too!
KathyYou're kidding! I love him. My dad used to make me stay up late and watch reruns with him.
ChandlerMine too! Did your dad also make you watch the Mr. Universe contest?
ChandlerWell, me neither. (Kathy laughs) Hey, listen, I'm-I'm sorry about this afternoon, you know, if I would've known that you two were... I never would've...
ChandlerSo ah, Joey tells me you two met in acting class.
KathyYeah, they teamed us up as partners. Joey picked three scenes for us to do; all of them had us making out.
ChandlerThat's a good thing actually, because ah, he used to have me rehearse with him.
ChandlerIs it on?
KathyNo, but this wonder broom is amazing!
ChandlerHey! (Runs over and gets his wonder broom)
KathyOh my God!
ChandlerOh! It's on! It's on!
(Chandler jumps into the canoe and sits down. The chick starts chirping and Chandler reaches down to pick him up.)
ChandlerHere we go little fella.
Kathy(Laughs and hits him) What about the duck?
ChandlerUh, duck can swim.
Central Perk, the next night, Phoebe is finishing up her set.
Phoebe(Singing, drunk) My sticky shoes, my sticky-sticky shoes, why you stick on me, ba-a-by! Thanks for the lights honey.
AllWay to go! Phoebe!
MonicaThat cold makes you sound so great.
PhoebeIt's fun, God I love how sexy I am. (Coughs really loudly.)
JoeyOh, Kath, we should get going. We're going to buy hamsters.
AllOoh. Hamsters. That's great, I love those little guys.
KathyNo, no, it's not like that. I, I work for a medical researcher.
RachelWell, have fun!
PhoebeWell, I think it's great that the medical community is finally trying to help sick hamsters.
All(sarcastically) Isn't it? Yeah, it's great.
MonicaYou know what, I like Kathy.
ChandlerOh yeah, me too, she's so cool and pretty.
ChandlerShe's smart and, you know, funny, you know? I mean we were up all last night talking, she said the funniest thing about... (Everybody looks at him) what?
RachelYou looove her.
ChandlerNo, I don't.
PhoebeYes you do. Chandler loves Kathy.
RossCome on, Pheebs, just, just lay off him.
ChandlerThank you, Ross.
RossYeah, he's a little sensitive right now, because he's so in looove.
Monica(Turning around and doing that, "I'm making out with someone" thing with her hands) Ooh, umm, oh Kathy! Kathy, I love you! Oh! (She turns around and sees Gunther staring at her and stops suddenly.)
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are there.
PhoebeSo, I need to write some depressing stuff to go along with my new bluesy voice, but nothing that sad has ever really happened to me.
MonicaOh umm, how about your mom dying, or having to live on the streets when you were 14?
PhoebeUh-huh. Oh, yeah, I could write about the time my hair did that "Woo-hoo" thing.
Ross(Loudly) So I'm going over to Amanda's tonight!
MonicaRachel's not here.
MonicaHow's it going with her?
RossYeah, great, actually. I'm thinking tonight, maybe the night. Yeah, I mean ah, the kids are gonna play together and then when they're asleep, I'm thinking Amanda and I break open a bottle of wine, do a little "playing" ourselves.
Rachel(Entering, with a guy) Hi guys! This is Josh. Josh, these are my friends, that's Ross.
MonicaSo, did you play in college? (She points to his NYU Soccer sweatshirt he's wearing.)
JoshOh, I still do. Next year, I hope to make varsity though.
RachelRoss, didn't you play uh, soccer in high school? Oh no wait, that's right. You just organized their game schedules on your Commodore 64.
JoshWell, it's getting late, I gotta to get to the game, so I'm gonna... head.
RachelOk. (He starts to leave, and Rachel grabs him and gives him a passionate kiss.) I'll miss you.
PhoebeWow, cute one!
RachelI know, isn't he great? It's so nice to finally be in a fun relationship, you know? There's nothing boring about him, and ah, I bet he's never set foot in a museum.
RossWell maybe he'll get to go soon, you know like on a class trip or something.
RachelYou know what else is really great about him, oh, what is the word for an adult who doesn't have dinosaur toys in their bedroom?
RossOh! (He bangs his fists together.)
RachelWhat was that?
MonicaIt's this dumb thing that Ross made up because he was trying to fool our parents. It's a way of giving the finger, without actually having to give it. I remember I cried the night you made it up, 'cause it was the first time that I realized that I was cooler than my older brother.
RossWell, I'm gonna go get ready, (Gives Monica the fist thing.) for my date tonight, so ah, I'll just head.
PhoebeYeah, I should go too, 'cause I'm playing in one hour. Hey, (Cears her throat and in her normal voice) you guys should come hear me, ooh hear me. Ooh, (Tries to sing) My sticky shoes- Eww! Eww! I lost my sexy phlegm!
Amanda's apartment, Ross is arriving with Ben.
Amanda(Opening the door) Hi!
RossWow! You-you look great!
Ross(She lets him in) Ok! (to her son) Hey Tommy.
AmandaI am so glad that you could come over tonight.
RossOh no-no-no, it's my pleasure.
AmandaOk, well, my cell phone number is right here on the counter, please help yourself to anything in the fridge.
AmandaI appreciate this soo much, I've been trying to go out with this guy for like a month.
Amanda(Noticing the bottle of wine he has) Oh, I don't mean to be square, but I'd really appreciate it if you wait and drink your wine after the kids are asleep? (Goes over to kiss her son goodbye and then starts to leave) Oh, I, uh, blocked the adult channels for the other babysitters but the code is 4-3...
Ross(Interrupts) I'm fine.
AmandaThanks for this, I hope I can do the same for you sometime. (She leaves)
RossWho wants to make some long distance calls?
A street, Chandler is buying a newspaper and notices Kathy running by.
ChandlerKathy! Kathy! Hi!! Kathy! Kathy! (She doesn't hear him and keeps running, Chandler starts chasing her as the theme to The Mod Squad starts to play. First, a car almost hits him and then gets mustard splashed on him as he runs by a hot dog vendor.) Kathy! (He keeps running and gets tangled up in the leashes of five dogs, in desperation he throws his paper.) Fetch! Fetch it! (He frees himself and resumes the chase) Kathy! Kathy! Kathy! (He now trips and falls into a pile of garbage, he tries to get up and scream her name again but he has a piece of spinach in his mouth. He gets out of the garbage and starts crossing the street by running over the hoods of a couple of cabs.) Kathy! (He jumps in front of her and out of breath he says) Kathy.
KathyHey, Chandler! What're you doing here?
ChandlerOh, I just wanted to say "Hey!"
ChandlerOk. (He walks away disgusted with himself.)
Monica and Rachel's, Ross is telling Monica about his new baby sitting job.
MonicaOh come on! You're making it sound worse than it was.
RossHer date tipped me ten dollars. (Monica laughs)
(Phoebe runs into the kitchen with wet hair, opens the window, and sticks her head outside.)
RossPheebs, what're you doing?
PhoebeOk, I wanna be sexy again so I'm trying to catch a cold. Should be easy, supposedly they're pretty common.
MonicaPhoebe, you'll catch pneumonia.
Chandler(Entering) Ok. You were right. I'm in love with Joey's girlfriend.
RossAre you serious?
PhoebeWell, how-how-how is that possible? You barely know her!
ChandlerI don't know. I can't-I just, I can't get her out of my head. You know? I mean, I'm a very bad person. I'm a very, very bad person. I'm a horrible, person. (He waits for a reaction, when he doesn't get one) "No you're not Chandler! We still love you Chandler!"
Monica(Sneezes) Oh gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold.
PhoebeYou mean you stole it! (Monica sneezes again) Don't cover your mouth when you do that!
(Joey and Kathy enter, laughing)
Kathy(to Chandler) We were just talking about you.
JoeyYeah-yeah, I told her about the time you got drunk and fell asleep with your head in the toilet.
Chandler(Laughs) Right in there!
Monica(to Joey) What movie did you get?
JoeyI got what I always get, Die Hard.
(Everyone groans except for Kathy, who is thrilled.)
KathySee, that's what I like about Joey. Any other guy would've been "Yeah, The English Patient is my favorite movie too." (Sits next to Chandler.) But Joey goes, "No way. Let's get Die Hard! I'm not watching that English crap." (Joey sits next to Kathy.)
Monica(sarcastically) Yeah, he's dreamy.
Chandler(Uncomfortable) I gotta go. I gotta go meet some friends. (Leaves)
Joey(to Ross) He has other friends?
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with the chick and the duck.
Chandler99...100! Ready or not, here I come! (He opens his eyes and sees that the chick and the duck are still sitting in front of him) All right, let's go over the concept one more time.
JoeyHey guys. (to Chandler) Listen uh, you wanna get some dinner with me and Kathy tonight?
ChandlerOhh, umm, you know what, I already ate.
ChandlerYou know I had a big meal on Monday, you know. So that's just gonna get me straight through the week.
JoeyOk, I see what's going on here.
JoeyYeah! You don't like Kathy.
ChandlerYou got me.
JoeyYeah, you've been avoiding her ever since we started going out. Look, I made an effort to like Janice, now I think it's your turn to make an effort to like Kathy by coming out to dinner with us. Right?
JoeyGood, and hey! My treat. (He turns to go into his bedroom then stops.) But that's only because you're not eating anything, right?
Monica and Rachel's, Monica is lying on the sofa sick. She's about to sneeze and grabs a pillow off the couch and sneezes on it.
Monica(Looks up) Sorry Grandma.
(Rachel enters, returning from a date with Josh, and when they get the door open, Rachel turns and passionately kisses Josh.)
Monica(Lying on the couch suffering from her cold) Ross isn't here.
RachelOh. (She tries to walk away from Josh, by he keeps holding her) Stop it!
JoshSo I'll see you at the party? Beer's fear man, 24/7!!
RachelYeah! (Monica gives a sarcastic thumbs up) (Josh leaves) I am soo gonna marry that guy. (Looking in her wallet) Ohhh!
RachelI think he's stealing from me.
RachelBecause he's stealing from me!
Phoebe(Entering) Hi! It's me. And soup. (to Rachel) Hey, boy I just saw Josh, he looks so yummy in your leather jacket.
RachelUghh! (Storms out after him)
Phoebe(to Monica) Here, now, I don't eat chicken, so it's just noodle soup. And there's no chicken in the broth either, so it's really just... noodle water.
MonicaThank you so much Phoebe.
Phoebe(Picking up Monica's used Kleenex and putting some in her pocket.) Sure.
MonicaWhat're you doing with those?!
PhoebeBut, I need your germs! I want my cold back! I miss my sexy voice.
PhoebeIt's ok. How's the soup?
MonicaUmm. (Nodding her head, "Good.")
(Monica sets the soup down and Phoebe picks it up and licks the rim.)
A nightclub, Chandler is having dinner with Kathy and Joey.
KathyOhh, God, guys, check it out, you can see that girl's underwear!
JoeyIs she great or what?
Kathy(to Chandler) So? Huh? What do you think?
ChandlerOhh, she's-she's not really my type.
KathyNot your type?! She's gorgeous!
ChandlerYou know what I think it is? I think it's the fishnet stockings. You know? Whenever I see a girl in fishnet stockings it reminds me of, my father in fishnet stockings.
KathyOk. Understanding a little more why you're single. Ohh! You know, I have a friend you would like, she's really pretty. And then we could double date!
ChandlerUhh, no-no thanks.
KathyOk, I've got some ugly friends, and they're all available too.
ChandlerListen, I'm-I'm gonna grab a beer. (Leaves)
Joey(to Kathy) I'll be right back. (to Chandler) What was that?
JoeyKathy was being really nice and you just walked away. I thought we had a deal.
ChandlerHey, look, what do you want from me?
JoeyI want you to like her! But if that's too damn difficult for you, then the least you can do is to pretend.
ChandlerI am pretending.
JoeyWell then, do it better!
ChandlerOk, what do you say I-I go over there and tell her how much I like her? (Joey gives him a thumbs up) No-no it'll be good, I can tell her much I've been thinking about her. That I haven't stopped thinking about her since the moment we met. That I'm so fantastically, over-the-top, wanna-slit-my-own-throat in love with her, that for every minute of every hour of every day I can't believe my own damn bad luck that you met her first!!
JoeyWell, that's pretty good. But you might wanna tone it down a little.
Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there. Rachel is finished taking Monica's temperature.
MonicaI still have a fever? Are you sure that thing's working right?
RachelWell, we could take it the other way.
Ross(Entering) Hey! So, uhh, Amanda just-just dropped me off. Yeah, that's one of the things I love about her, she's...uh, she's old enough to drive. (to Monica) So uhh, I guess you're not going to mom and dad's tonight huh?
RachelWell where's Amanda?
MonicaHey Rach, could you get me some cough drops?
RachelI mean you know, I'm thinking. You could bring her, and you guys could go up to your old room, and not make out.
MonicaRoss, cough drops, please?
RossAt least I know she's not going out with me to get into R rated movies.
RachelWhy don't you just marry her? Oh no, wait a minute you can't, I'm sorry I forgot, she's not a lesbian.
RossSee, Amanda and I have a very special...
Monica(Interrupting) You have nothing! You're not even going out! You're her babysitter! You have a 12-year-old girl's job!
Rachel(Laughing) Ohh, that is soo sad.
MonicaAnd what are you laughing at, Miss 'My-keg-sucking-boyfriend-is-stealing-from-me!'
(Ross starts laughing)
RachelHey, so he stole a couple bucks from me! Big deal, at least he bought me something with it! (Shows her, her ring)
MonicaThat's mine!! Now, would you both please start acting like adults? And get me my cough drops!
RossHere. (Hands her, her cough drops)
Ross(to Rachel) Least I made ten bucks in my relationship.
(She does Ross's little gesture. In response Ross puts his hands behind his neck with his arms sticking straight out and starts flapping them together.)
Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her guitar.
Phoebe(Singing) Parading goats are parading. Parading down the street. Parading goats are parading, leaving little treats. (to Gunther) Does it even work without my sexy voice?
GuntherI like it. (sneezes)
PhoebeGunther, kiss me.
(Phoebe grabs Gunther and kisses him. He then falls to the couch in shock.)
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV as Joey and Kathy are laughing in Joey's bedroom. They get to be pretty loud so Chandler turns the TV way up.
Joey(Opening the door wearing nothing but a sock, and holding a dart board over the 'Little General.') Hey! (Chandler turns down the TV) Now, we're not actually gonna be sleeping in here, but do you mind?
Monica and Rachel's, Monica, with a blanket draped over her shoulders, opens the door to a similarly clad Chandler.
ChandlerCan I sleep on your couch?
(Monica nods 'Yes.' And they both walk to the couch looking all depressed.)
Central Perk, Phoebe is singing, with everyone else present.
Phoebe(Singing) I'm, I'm, still waiting for my paper mache man. Thank you my babies.
GuntherI don't know if you heard about what happened between me and Phoebe the other day?
GuntherWell, we kissed. I-I-I didn't initiate the kiss, but-but I also didn't stop it, and I've been feeling guilty.
GuntherSo umm, are we cool?
Rachel(Really confused) Ok.
GuntherI knew you would understand.
(Gunther walks away, leaving Rachel with a 'What just happened?' look on her face.)
Written by Michael Curtis & Gregory S. Malins; Transcribed by: Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp