Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey and Chandler are there eating breakfast.
Chandler(Entering in a bathrobe) I just walked in the bathroom saw Kathy naked! It was like torture!
RossYou know if we ever go to war and you're captured, you're in for a big surprise.
ChandlerIt just keeps getting worse and worse! You know? I mean it's bad enough that I'm in love with my roommates girlfriend- which by the way, I think she knows. Because every time we're in the same room together there's this weird like energy between us. And call me crazy, but I think she likes me too. And now I have seen her naked. I mean at least when I've seen her with clothes on, I could imagine her body was like covered in boils or something. But there are no boils, she's smooth! Smooth! (Leaves)
PhoebeWow! Could everyone totally see up his robe?
AllYeah! Oh my God!
Central Perk, Joey is getting a phone number from a woman (Casey) as Chandler watches from the doorway.
CaseyHere you go.
JoeyGreat! All right, so I'll call you later.
Chandler(Rushing up) Hey-Hey-Hey! Who was that?
JoeyThat would be Casey. We're going out tonight.
ChandlerGoing out, huh? Wow! Wow! (Does a little celebration dance) So, things didn't work out with Kathy, huh? Bummer.
JoeyNo, things are fine with Kathy. I'm having a late dinner with her tonight, right after my early dinner with Casey.
JoeyYeah-yeah. And the craziest thing is: I just ate a whole pizza myself! (Laughs)
ChandlerWait! You're going out with Kathy!
JoeyYeah. Why're you getting so upset?
ChandlerWell, I'm upset- for you. I mean, having sex with an endless line of beautiful women must be very unfulfilling for you. (He can't believe he just sad that.)
JoeyWhat is the big deal? It's not like we're exclusive.
ChandlerLook, Joey, Kathy is clearly not fulfilling your emotional needs. But Casey, I mean granted I just saw the back of her head, but I got this sense that she's-she's smart, and funny, and gets you.
JoeyYou got all that from the back of her head?
ChandlerAll right, look, I just think it's time for you to settle down. You know? Make a choice, pick a lane.
Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are sitting on the couch playing cards, and Phoebe is working on a new song.
Phoebe(Singing) "Little, tiny Tarzan, swinging on a nose hair. Swinging with the greatest of ease..." Darn it! Now I don't know how to get to the next verse.
RossOh, you could just go uh, "greatest of ease... (Plays air guitar) BAH-bah-bha-bhannn." Then go right into it.
PhoebeYeah, ooh, I like that! Yeah. Wait! How do you know about 'bah-bah-bha-bhan?'
RossWell umm, you know, I used to play.
PhoebeOh, yeah, that's right, the keyboards, huh?
RossYeah, I mean, just a little in high school, but then I really got into it in college. I mean that's-that's when I really found my sound.
(Monica is taking a drink as Ross says that, laughs, and snorts her drink.)
MonicaOh God! Orange juice just came out of my nose, but it was totally worth it. My God, I completely forgot about your sound.
MonicaHe used to lock himself in the basement for hours. No one was every allowed to hear, "The Sound."
PhoebeI wanna hear "The Sound."
RossReally? No. I mean, no, I haven't played in so long, and-and, well it's-it's really personal stuff, you know?
PhoebeCome on, play that funky music white boy.
MonicaYeah, come on.
RossNo, you guys, I mean, my keyboards are all the way uh- No, yeah, ok. (Runs out.)
RachelSo, who wants to get some dinner with me later? I really wanna try that new Italian restaurant. Supposed to be really good. Saw a lot of Chinese people eating in there.
MonicaWhat're you talking about?
RachelRemember you said some restaurant must be really good because you saw all these Chinese people eating in there?
MonicaThat's because it was a Chinese restaurant.
RachelOh. Well, I still wanna go. Who wants to come?
JoeyOh, I can't. I got two dinner dates tonight, so (Takes a bite of his sandwich) I gotta get ready. (Leaves)
RachelAll right, girls' night out.
MonicaOh sorry honey, but we (her and Phoebe) gotta prep that catering thing we have tomorrow.
RachelOh, that's right. (Sits down) I wish I was one of those people who could eat in restaurants alone.
MonicaYou should try it. It's a really good thing to do.
RachelI just think I'd feel really self-conscious, you know? Like I was on display or something.
PhoebeNah, I was on display once. Nothing like eating alone.
[Cut to later that same day, Ross has retrieved his keyboard and is about to debut, "The Sound."]
Rachel(Entering) I just had a great time with myself.
ChandlerWell, this could be a good story.
RachelAt dinner. It was so liberating! You know, I don't need people to have fun. I'm fun. I'm a fun girl!
ChandlerAre you a naughty girl? (Both Monica and Rachel stare at him.) (On receiving their stares) No, just fun. Fun. Good. Fun. Fun.
Monica(to Rachel) See, I told you you'd have fun.
ChandlerAlthough I must say that I totally judge any woman I see eating alone.
MonicaExcuse me, what's wrong with a woman eating alone?
ChandlerWell, obviously something. She's-eating-alone.
ChandlerAll right! Bring it on, you...
RossHere we go. (Plays one note) You know, I've-I've never played my stuff for anyone before, so it's important that-that you understand it's about communicating very private emotions. (Plays another note) You know, umm, you should-you should think of umm, my work as wordless sound poems. That's what I'm...
Chandler(Interrupting) Oh my God! Play!
(Ross starts to play. He plays a key that has a back beat sound attached to it. Over the background music he plays the sound of a barking dog, a mooing cow, a laser beam, someone coughing, a jackhammer, a doorbell, a police siren, a ray gun, breaking dishes, and for a closure he plays the sound of a loud crash. Basically, the music sucks.)
Monica(At a loss for words) Boy, that was-that was, umm... terrific.
PhoebeWow, it was so... wow!
RossReally?! I mean, really?
RachelYeah, I mean, you should play in public!
RossWow! Thanks, you guys. That's uh- ohh, I wanna, I wanna play you another piece! Umm! Uh! Aw! I left my uh, helicopter sounds on another disk. I'll be right back, Ok? (Runs to fetch them) Aw, this's, this's so nice, I mean, I'm- I am so... (starts to break up and leaves)
MonicaOh God bless my dad for soundproofing the basement!
RachelOh, I can't believe I ever let him touch me with those fingers.
PhoebeWhat're you guys talking about, I loved it! It was soo moving. Oh, plus it's just, it's so different from the stuff you usually hear.
ChandlerYou mean, music?
Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching Yasmine Bleeth running on TV, and the duck starts quacking.
ChandlerYeah, I know what you're thinking! Yes, yes, your breasts are just as firm and juicy.
(There's a knock on the door.)
Kathy(Entering) Hey! (sees what's on TV) Oh, God, is that Baywatch?
ChandlerUh yes, but uh, I just watch it for the articles.
KathySo is Joey around?
ChandlerNo-no, he's not back yet, but he'll gonna be here any minute. So uh, come on in. Have a seat. Bow or stern?
KathyI uh, don't really have a preference. You?
ChandlerI like it in the stern. (Realizes what he just said.) ...of the boat. (The phone rings, and he answers it.) (on phone) Hello.
Joey(on the other end at a pay phone) Hey, it's me. Listen, Casey and I were on our way back and we had a little car trouble.
JoeyWe broke down on the Parkway, so I have to walk back and get some transmission fluid. Anyway listen, could you please tell Kathy that I'm sorry and I'll be there as soon as I can?
ChandlerWhy can't you tell her?
Joey'Cause I only have one quarter, and I think my time is about to- (He stops talking suddenly)
ChandlerI thought your time ran out.
JoeyMe too, but I guess I do have a couple of more- (his time runs out for real)
Chandler(to Kathy) Uhh, that was Joey. He's running a little late, and he says he's sorry.
ChandlerSo, I guess it's just uh, you and me then.
ChandlerYeah, I think it is!
KathySo, what'd you do today?
ChandlerOh, I had an appointment to get my hair cut...
Kathy(Interrupting) Oh, it looks great!
Chandler...and then it got canceled.
KathyWell I can cut it.
ChandlerReally?! Do you do that?
KathyYeah, I do. Oh, of course, I learned at my aunt's dog grooming shop, but hey, what do you say?
ChandlerDog grooming huh? Ok, just don't make my tail too poofy.
[Cut to later, Kathy is cutting Chandler's hair.]
KathyYou have really great hair.
ChandlerWell, thanks. I grow it myself. (Kathy is running her fingers through his hair, and Chandler catches himself enjoying it too much.) You know who also has great hair is Joey!
KathyYes! Yeah! Joey has great hair! Umm, I'm basically done here. Let me just get this hair off your neck.
(Kathy leans in really close and Chandler mouths "Oh my God." She moves around in front of him and kneels at his feet.)
ChandlerWh-what're you doing?
KathyChecking to see if it's even.
(They lean in to kiss and are interrupted by the phone.)
Chandler(Jumping up to answer the phone) Oh It's the phone! The phone's making sounds! (On phone) Hello!
Joey(on phone) Hey dude, it's me.
ChandlerHey it's Joey!
JoeyListen uh, I'm really sorry, but looks like we'll be stuck here for a while. I got the transmission fluid, went to put it in the car, transmission wasn't there!
JoeyYeah, it must've fallen out a few blocks back. I just figured we hit a dog.
JoeyListen uh, could you put Kathy on, I wanna apologize to her.
ChandlerOh yeah man. (to Kathy) Joey. (Hands her the phone.)
Kathy(on phone) Hey. (Listens) Oh no it's fine, don't worry about it. (Listens) Yeah-no, stop apologizing, it's ok. (Listens) Yeah! I'll talk to you tomorrow. (Hangs up) (to Chandler) I should uh, probably go.
ChandlerYeah. Yes! Yeah.
(Kathy leaves and Chandler groans in agony. Kathy knocks on the door and Chandler opens it.)
KathyI forgot my purse.
(They kiss, passionately.)
KathyNo, I really did forget my purse.
(They kiss again and stop suddenly.)
ChandlerOh no-no-no-no, it is bad, it's bad, it's bad!
ChandlerWait the uh, the kiss or the situation?
KathyNo-no-no, the kiss was good.
KathyNo, but that's bad!
ChandlerOoh! Yes! Ok! Here's what we do, we-we forget it happened.
ChandlerOk, we-we swallow our feelings. Even if it means we're unhappy forever. Sound good?
KathyAw. Can you really do that?
ChandlerI have to; he-he's my best friend, and you're seeing him.
KathyAw, Chandler, I like Joey a lot, but, with you...
Chandler(Interrupting) Oh-no-no-no! Don't! Don't! See? See, you're getting me confused, I'm starting to yearn.
KathyI'm sorry. If you wanna pretend that nothing happened, I can try.
ChandlerI-I think we have to.
ChandlerBye. (Kathy leaves and Chandler wanders over to and leans up against the door.) Are you still out there?
Kathy(outside the door) No. (Chandler opens the door and they kiss again.)
Central Perk, Ross is performing, his music hasn't improved.
Ross(His voice is altered to sound like a computer.) Electrifying. (He plays the sound of a ticking clock.) Infinite time-time-time...
Monica(to Rachel and Phoebe) You know, there's a Starbucks about three blocks down.
Phoebe(Pushing Monica back onto the couch) So inspired! Just look at him! Look at him go!
[Cut back to Ross who finally finishes his so-called song with the same crash from before. He gets some applause, mainly 'cause he's done.]
Ross(with the altered voice) Thank you guys-guys-guys...
Monica(to Phoebe) Hey, aren't you on next?
PhoebeOh no, I'm not playing tonight.
PhoebeI can't follow Ross! Can't even you know be like those poor bicycle ridding chimps who had to follow the Beatles. No.
MonicaPhoebe, Ross sucks!
RachelPhoebe, the place has emptied because of him.
PhoebeOh my God, he's not even appreciated in his own time. I would give anything to not be appreciated in my own time!
(Rachel and Monica look at each other, and agree on something without saying anything.)
MonicaOk. Umm, Phoebe, you suck too.
RachelYeah, Phoebe you're... awful!
PhoebeYou guys. Yeah, you suck too. (She hugs them both.)
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is opening the door, but Chandler has the chain on it.
JoeyAww man! I can't believe I locked myself out again! (He knocks on the door.)
ChandlerHang on buddy! (He goes over and unlocks the door and opens it to reveal a fully furnished apartment.)
Joey(Rushing in) Oh my God! What happened here? Did you do all this?
ChandlerI sure did.
ChandlerWell, I just thought it'd make me feel good to do something nice for my friend.
JoeyWell, you're amazing.
ChandlerOh no-no-no. This is amazing. (He goes over and presses a button on a remote control that opens the entertainment center doors revealing the TV.)
Joey(Very excited) A TV that appears from nowhere! That's the dream! Man, how did you afford all this stuff?
ChandlerWell, you know I'm 29. I mean who needs a savings account.
JoeyOh, you are the best friend anyone has ever had.
ChandlerOh, I don't know.
JoeyNo-no-no, you are! You do this, you give me the great advice, and hey listen, I was thinking about what you said yesterday about focusing on one woman, I'm gonna do that.
ChandlerYou mean with Casey.
JoeyNo-no-no, I think I'm gonna see how things go with Kathy. She's pretty cool.
JoeyNo, no, Kathy.
ChandlerCould be Casey.
JoeyNo. No, Kathy.
JoeyYou know what I think? I think somebody's got a little crush on Casey. How about I fix you two up? What do you think?
ChandlerThan all the pieces of my life are falling right into place!
Central Perk, Ross has just finished playing.
Ross(to Phoebe) Hey!
PhoebeHey! You were really great! You were really, really great!
RossOh, thanks, thanks. So Monica tells me that uh, you don't wanna play anymore because of me and you know my talent. Is that true?
PhoebeWell, kinda. Yeah. Yeah.
PhoebeYeah, I- you know I was trying to be really you know ok and upbeat about it, but I just- I feel so dwarfed by your musical gift. I...
RossSee but, Pheebs that-that is the exact opposite intent of my music. You know my music is-is meant to inspire, and if it bothers you this much, then I... I won't play anymore.
PhoebeOh no. No-no-no, don't do that! How could I live with myself if I knew I was depriving the world of your music.
Central Perk, Everyone is there minus Joey. Rachel is on the couch talking to some guy while Monica is eavesdropping.
RachelWell I'd love to, but I have plans on Sunday.
GuyWell, maybe some other time.
RachelSure. Just give me call; I'm in the book.
GuyOk. Thanks a lot. See you. (Leaves)
(Monica runs over to Rachel on the couch.)
MonicaWhat are you doing? He is cute and he's a doctor.
RachelHow do you know?
MonicaHoney, I eavesdrop because I care.
RachelWell, I have plans on Sunday.
RachelWhat-what? You are the one who told me how important it is to spend time alone. I can't just go out with that guy when I have plans with myself. Wouldn't be fair to me.
MonicaSo basically you're saying you don't want to cheat on yourself?
RachelWell, if you wanna make me sound crazy.
RossSaw the new furniture. Very nice.
MonicaYeah! Joey has the best boyfriend ever!
ChandlerI kissed Kathy.
MonicaOh God, are you serious?
PhoebeDoes Joey know?
ChandlerNo. Is there anyway, anyway you think he'll understand this?
MonicaYou obviously haven't screwed over a lot of your friends. (They all look at her) Which we all appreciate.
RossYou know the-the sad thing is, if you had told him how you felt before you kissed her, knowing Joey, he probably just would've just stepped aside.
ChandlerOh, don't say that! Don't say that. That's not true. Is it?
PhoebeI think maybe, yeah.
MonicaHe loves you.
ChandlerThen why didn't you tell me to do that?!!
RossI don't know- I-I said something to Phoebe.
PhoebeYeah! No, that's right. And I thought it was a really good idea.
RachelI know, I remember that!
MonicaI remember you did.
ChandlerGod!! (Sits down in disgust.) What am I gonna do?!
RachelWell, Chandler, you're gonna have to tell him.
ChandlerWhy?! Why do I have to tell him?!
RachelBecause you do.
ChandlerYeah, I know.
RossOk, would it be ok if I wrote a song about this?
A Restaurant called Wicked Pete's Brews. Rachel is dining by herself.
Rachel(in her head) I don't know if this is working out. I think...I think I wanna see other people. (Closes her eyes for a second) Wow. Didn't see that one coming. It's not that I don't enjoy this. I do. I just wanna see what else is out there. (The guy that Rachel was talking to earlier in the coffee house walks in. Rachel sees him.) (Out loud) Hey Guy.
RachelWhat're you doing here?
GuyI work across the street.
RachelOh, you know what? It turns out I'm gonna be free Sunday.
GuyAhh, you know? I wish you had called me. I-I just told 'em I'd work this weekend.
RachelOh, ok. Well, maybe next weekend.
GuyDefinitely! I'll see ya.
RachelOk. (They both shake hands.)
Guy(in his head) Yeah, you'll be talking to me never, because you're a freak who eats alone.
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is watching TV as Chandler enters.
JoeyHey! Samboucha Margarita?
ChandlerIs that a real thing?
JoeyWell, we only had Samboucha, so, it is now.
ChandlerListen ah, Joe, I-I need to, I need to talk to you about something.
ChandlerIt's-it's about Kathy. Umm, uh, I like her. I like her a lot actually.
JoeyWell, your timing couldn't be better. She's not my girlfriend anymore.
JoeyYeah, she broke up with me.
ChandlerOh uh, when?
JoeyJust now, after acting class. At first I thought she was doing some kinda scene, that's why I let people watch.
ChandlerOh, man, I am so sorry. Are you, are you ok?
JoeyWell, I've been better, you know. But, I'm all right. So you like her, huh?
ChandlerYes, but I-I uh, don't have to.
JoeyNo-no, no-no it's uh, it's ok.
JoeyYeah. You know why? 'Cause you came to me first.
ChandlerWell, I thought that would be the best thing to do.
JoeyBut hey, listen just so you know, you might have your work cut out for you. Because when I talked to her, I kinda got the feeling that she's into some other guy. So...
ChandlerSee uh, that's-that's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. I-I think I know who the other guy is.
ChandlerOh. It's me. I'm the other guy.
ChandlerYeah, I mean when you were late last night, Kathy and I got to talking, and one thing led to another and...
JoeyAnd what?! Did you sleep with her?!
ChandlerNo! No! No! I just kissed her.
JoeyWhat?!! That's even worse!!
ChandlerHow is that worse?!
JoeyI don't know! But it's the same!
ChandlerLook, I'm sorry! But there's nothing I can do, I think I'm in love with her!
JoeyWho cares?! You went behind my back? I would never do that to you!
ChandlerYou're right, I have no excuses! I was totally over the line.
JoeyOver the line?! You-you're-you're so far past the line, that you-you can't even see the line! The line is a dot to you!
ChandlerYes. Yes! Right! And I feel horrible. You have to believe me!
JoeyOh my God. Is that why you bought all this stuff?! (Chandler makes a face like "Well, kinda.") Well you know what, I will not watch your TV, I will not listen to your stereo, and there's a cinnamon raisin loaf in the new bread maker that I'm not gonna eat! You know why?!
JoeyBecause it's all tainted with your betrayal. From now on this apartment is empty for me! And I'm not happy about you either. (The bread maker dings) Oh, and just so you know, I made that bread for you. (Joey walks into his bedroom and slams the door.)
Central Perk, Ross is playing his music. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are sitting on the couch.
PhoebeOh my God, he's lost it. He's totally lost it.
Monica(Removing earplugs) What?
RachelPhoebe, this's music that cannot get any worse. There are rats in the basement that are hanging themselves.
(Ross finally finishes with the same crash, and gets some applause.)
RossThank you, thanks. (Sits down next to the girls) Yeah, I lost it. You know, I'm not gonna play anymore, (to Phoebe) would you, can you finish my set?
PhoebeAfter that? Yeah! No, I mean if I can help. Yeah!
(Phoebe gets up and goes to play, Ross goes over and sits down next to Monica and Rachel.)
RossYeah, like I could lose it.
RossI played bad on purpose guys.
(Both Monica and Rachel laugh.)
MonicaOk, so you were trying to play bad this whole time.
RossYeah-no, just that last song.
Written by Adam Chase; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp