Chandler and Joey's, Joey is sitting at the counter reading a magazine as the phone rings.
Joey(Answering phone) Hello.
Chandler(on phone) Hey, it's me. I know you can't stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought I'd try and apologize over the phone. All... (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)
(The phone rings again.)
Joey(Answering phone) Hello.
ChandlerLook I never should've kissed your girlfriend, and I'm... (Joey hangs up the phone again.)
(The phone rings yet again.)
Joey(Answering phone) Stop calling!!
Voice(on phone) Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock calling for our $1,000 daily challenge.
VoiceWhat is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything... (Joey realizes it's Chandler and hangs up the phone in anger and resumes to reading the magazine. )
(The phone rings again)
JoeyDamn it Chandler! Stop calling!
Ross (on the phone)Joey-Joey, it's Ross.
JoeyOh. Sorry man.
RossThat's all right.
RossUh-not much. Uh I got, I got Chandler here and he's really really sorry- (Joey realizes what is going on, hangs up the phone and goes back to reading his magazine.).
Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey and Chandler are there getting ready for Thanksgiving.
Chandler(Entering) Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww!
PhoebeLook everyone, it's the spirit of Thanksgiving!
RachelSo are things with you and Joey any better?
ChandlerThey couldn't be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me.
RachelOh, wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh?
RossShould we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
PhoebeSpeaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do Secret Santa, and then we each only buy one gift. And-and there's the added mystery of you know, who gets who.
RossWho gets whom. (They all look at him.) I don't know why I do that. But it is correct.
Monica(Reaches into the pocket of her apron). Hey, what's this? (Takes out the pieces of paper with everybody's name on it) What, it's all of your names. (Puts the names in a bowl) Let's pick!
(Phoebe reaches into the bowl of names as Joey enters)
JoeyHey what's going....(sees Chandler; there's a pause; Joey starts to leave)
EverybodyNo Joey!! Stay!
MonicaJoey come on! We're picking names for Secret Santa.
Joey(Phoebe pulls him back in) Ok.(shyly) I invented Secret Santa. You know?
RachelWhat are you laughing at? You're the one who said Die Hard was your idea.
RossIt was! Don't make me show you the napkin!
(Rachel reaches into the bowl of names)
[Cut to later, the gang, minus Joey, is watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade.]
RachelWell, I'm gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy.
MonicaWe haven't eaten yet!
RachelI know, but all that work you're doing to get it ready, And I just... (goes into her bedroom.)
ChandlerHey, by any chance did either of you pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, 'cause I wanna trade for her.
PhoebeI picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh!
ChandlerWow! Why do you wanna get rid of her so badly?
PhoebeBecause she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it's like impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, let's trade!
ChandlerOh that's not true! That's not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day that big dog ran off with it... (Notices the look on Monica and Phoebe's faces.) Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks 'cause I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it... (Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials...
PhoebeOhh. Ok, I'm really bad at initials.
ChandlerOh. (Makes a wow face)
MonicaWow! You got your shopping done early this year.
ChandlerYeah well my Camel Cash was about to expire so..
MonicaMaybe you can give it to somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller.
ChandlerAw, you know what though, it's kind of a girlie briefcase.
MonicaWho cares? He works in a museum!
ChandlerHey, what time is it? The big game is about to start!
PhoebeYou don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade if you want.
MonicaWhat is wrong with this freezer?! (She jabs her arm into the freezer and a piece of ice flies into her eye.) Ow! Oowah!!
PhoebeGod, what happened?!
MonicaOh my God, ice just got in my eye!
Rachel(Standing in her doorway) People are trying to sleep in here!
ChandlerMonica got ice in her eye, and it hurts.
PhoebeOpen it up, let me see.
MonicaOh, you know what, I can't, it really kills.
ChandlerWell maybe you should put some ice on it.
PhoebeOoh, God, it looks bad.
RachelHoney, maybe we should take you to a doctor.
MonicaNo, my eye doctor is Richard! I can't go to him when I don't have a boyfriend!
ChandlerHe's really picky about his patients.
PhoebeOk, you've gotta go. What's his office number?
MonicaLike I remember his office number! (Pause) Speed dial 7.
Phoebe(on phone) Hi! Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Monica Geller's eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today? (Listens) (to Monica) He's out of town, but does she wanna see the on call doctor?
PhoebeYes! She's very excited about that. Ok we'll be right in. (Hangs up)
ChandlerOk,so,uh, who's gonna-who's gonna take her in?
RachelI'll go. You can watch the parade.
(Chandler happily runs out of the kitchen and into the living room)
[Cut to later, Phoebe is adding butter to something and Ross is watching.]
PhoebeSo cool, 'til Monica gets back, it's like I'm head chef and I get to make all the decisions. (She looks at the remaining butter, and then decides to add it to the dish.)
RossHey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly!
PhoebeOk, get out of my kitchen!
Chandler(Entering) All right! Ok! I think I am making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once! (Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.
PhoebeAll right I... I gotta call my mom and ask her a left-handed cooking question. I'm gonna be in there (Points to Rachel's room) (Thinks about something) Awh, while I'm gone.. (Ross and Chandler are confused as to what she is thinking about) (Thinks) Chandler, you're in charge! (Chandler becomes a bit excited as Phoebe goes to Rachel's room.)
RossSo listen, ah, I picked Monica for Secret Santa, but I'm already getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch.
ChandlerOh you know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you.
RossReally?! Wow! That's-that's so nice, what-what're you gonna get me?
ChandlerI don't know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office.
RossYeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me.
ChandlerOh no-no-no, you don't wanna do that, then you're gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets.
RossOh, that's not true! I got her lots of stuff she never took back.
RossLike uh, that gold necklace I got her last year.
ChandlerWhen was the last time you saw her wear it?
RossWell, she wore it all Christmas day, and then uh...
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is repacking the furniture into boxes to return it.
RossWhat're you doing?
JoeyI'm sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt.
RossEverything? Even the TV?
JoeyNo! I'm putting that in my room.
RossListen, Joey, uh, I know what he did was wrong but don't you think you could at least hear the guy out?
JoeyBack when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?
RossIt's a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him?
RossYou've sentenced him?!
JoeyHey! Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
RossJoey, the guy's your best friend.
JoeyNo, was, my best friend. Anyway, I don't know why you're pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, there's a spot open.
RossOh, who? Me?
RossWow! I am honored! You know what I'm gonna do as my first act as your best friend?
RossI'd get you to talk to Chandler.
JoeyAll right. But if you weren't my best friend.
Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are sitting at a table and talking about Joey.
KathyOh my God, is it really that bad?
ChandlerI walk into a room and he won't even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.
KathyI am so so sorry. I feel responsible.
ChandlerIt's not your fault.
Joey(Entering) Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
GuntherI thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of you is over there.
(Joey turns around and sees them kissing.)
Joey (Speaking Italian)va' fa Napoli! (Storms out.)
Dr. Burke's office, Rachel and Monica are waiting as the doctor arrives.
DoctorI'll be right with you. Ok? (to the nurse) Thanks for coming in.
MonicaOh my God! How cute is the on call doctor?
RachelOoh, so cute, that I'm thinking about jamming this pen into my eye.
RachelYou have the best luck with eye doctors!
(The intercom buzzes.)
NurseDr. Burke will see you know.
MonicaOh no-no, no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The the on call doctor will see me now.
NurseDr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now.
Dr. Timothy BurkeReady?
(Monica looks at Rachel, who gives her the thumbs up.)
Chandler and Joey's, Joey is packing as Chandler rushes in.
ChandlerHey! I'm sorry! That- (Sees that Joey is about to leave) where are you going?
ChandlerOh, uh, when-when're you coming back?
JoeyI don't know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment.
JoeyYeah, you know uh, at first I thought we could talk about this you know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don't uh...
ChandlerHey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I'll stop seeing her?
JoeyLook, it's not about her. Ok? But seeing you two together just reminds me what you did. And I don't wanna live with someone who doesn't know what it is to be a friend. So, I'll see you. (He starts to leave, but Chandler grabs his bag and stops him.)
ChandlerHey, look, I know, what it is to be a friend, I just-I screwed up!
JoeyYeah! You did! And that's why I'm leaving.
(The chick and the duck walk into the living room.)
ChandlerAll right look, if you're not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Ok, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all! And that chick used to be very cute!
JoeyWhen that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what I was doing in there all that time? I was thinking about how I let you down!
JoeyYeah! But if I would've know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldn't 've worried about it so much! See you around!
ChandlerAll right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What?
JoeyWe got a box. (Motions to a large wooden box next to him.)
Dr. Burke's office, Tim is examining Monica.
TimI remember the last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were just standing outside the Dairy Queen.
MonicaJust probably waiting for it to open.
TimI gotta tell you, you look great now.
MonicaYou look great too.
TimYou're an excellent patient!
MonicaSo how does it look?
TimWell, you've got a little scratch on your cornea, you're gonna have to wear a patch for a couple of days.
MonicaLike a pirate?!
TimIf that helps you.
MonicaUmm, so how long you've been working with your dad? (He looks at her) Come on, one of us had to mention him.
TimI moved back here a couple of months ago.
MonicaOh. Big family dinner tonight?
TimUh. (He holds up a brown lunch bag.)
TimI was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend's.
TimBut we broke up.
TimShe-she wasn't ready for a serious commitment.
Monica(Sympathetic) Oh. (in a pirate's voice) So you made her walk the plank? Guy-ah matey?
TimYou're not wearing the patch yet.
Monica and Rachel's, It's closer to dinner. Monica has just told everyone that Tim is coming to dinner.
RossHe's coming here for Thanksgiving?
RachelI know, it's sick.
MonicaWhy is it sick?
RachelBecause it's Richard's son! It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner!
MonicaOk if it were Greek I would be blind in both eyes. Come on I like him because he's handsome and he's nice and smart and....handsome. All right Come on, Phoebe, you understand, don't you?
PhoebeYeah, I can see why I'd be your best shot but, no. Sorry, I think it's twisted.
Joey(Coming out of the bathroom) What's twisted?
MonicaMe going out with Richard's son.
JoeyEwwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Chandler(He is now in the box, in their living room.) Sounds like a really bad idea to me.
RachelIs he ok in there?
RossHey, you know, Mon, if things worked out between you and Richard's son, you'd be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
MonicaFine! Judge all you want to but, (Points to Ross) married a lesbian, (Points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (Points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (Points to Joey) threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, (Points to Chandler) living in a box!! (Goes to her room)
RachelSo now, what exactly is the point of the box?
ChandlerThe meaning of the box is threefold. One (holds a finger up through the air hole), it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two (holds up another finger), it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three (holds up a third finger), it hurts!
RachelAnd-and if he stays in the box you guys would be friends again?
JoeyLet's just say it's a start.
Ross(to Rachel) Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it?
RossI just wanna check something.
RachelOk. (She goes into her bedroom)
Ross(He puts his hand over the hole on the box.) (to Chandler) Now, we'll see.
ChandlerAir hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his hand quickly.)
Rachel(Coming out of her bedroom with a necklace) Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the time.
Ross(Grabbing the necklace) The necklace I got you was gold, this is silver.
RachelHuh, well, maybe, it uh, it changed.
RossOh my God! You actually exchanged it!
RachelWell isn't it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of?
RossWhat did you get?
(There's a knock on the door.)
Monica(Running in from her bedroom) I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! I'll get it! (Opens the door) Hi, Tim.
TimHi. (Gives her a bottle of wine)
MonicaThank you. Ok, come meet my friends. This is uh, Phoebe.
TimHi, nice to meet you.
MonicaMy brother, Ross.
MonicaAnd Rachel. (Chandler clears his voice loudly) That's Chandler.
ChandlerHow do you do.
MonicaUmm, well, he's...
JoeyHe's doing some thinking!
[Cut to later, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are watching the football game, and they all cheer loudly.]
ChandlerWhat happened? What happened?!
JoeyYou kissed my girlfriend!
(A commercial for sunglasses comes on.)
RachelOoh, I like those sunglasses.
RossLike 'em, like 'em? Or, I'd like to get store credit for that amount like 'em?
RachelVa' fa Napoli! (Joey nods his approval.)
MonicaAll right everybody, this turkey is ready!
TimWhere can I wash up?
MonicaHere, let me show you. Ok, the towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap.
RachelFancy soap? I thought we were saving that for the Pope!
MonicaSee he's nice. Right?
PhoebeYeah, but Monica, do you really wanna be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That's not how your dad used to do it."
TimWow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit?
MonicaI saved you a seat. (Motions to the one next to her.)
Rachel(Pouring the wine) Sick-sick-sick-sick.
(There's a loud knocking.)
PhoebeOh, I'll get it. (goes over to the door.)
JoeyThat doesn't sound like thinking to me!
JoeyYou know I don't think you should be talking at all in there! I think you got too much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes!
ChandlerOk, ok, you got it!
RachelRoss, can you pass me the yams?
RossSure! Oh, and Joey's got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them.
RachelWill you stop?! What is the matter with you?!
MonicaOh-ho-ho, we've got company.
RossThere's nothing the matter with me. See, I'm not completely devoid of sentiment, see, I have feelings.
RachelOk, fine. (She gets up and walks into her bedroom)
(An awkward silence follows)
ChandlerYou can't tell, but I'm trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!
JoeyAll right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesn't mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you're just an idiot in a box!
ChandlerYou're right, I'm sorry! This-this means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won't say another word tonight.
JoeySo are you gonna start taking this thing seriously?
JoeyThat sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously? (There's no response from Chandler.) Ok.
(Rachel comes back carrying a shoe box.)
RachelDon't say that I have no sentiment! (Starts to show Ross what's in the box.) This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! (Holds up a bone) This is from the museum the first time we... were together. Ok, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter!
RossI don't know what to say, I'm sorry. Though, you're not supposed to take these. (Points to the bone) It's like a million years old, we, we actually, we have people looking for that.
(Rachel glares at him.)
[Cut to the balcony Monica goes onto the balcony.]
TimHey...mind if I smoke?
MonicaCare if I die? No. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Go ahead and smoke. (Putting on her coat) Ooh, this always happens. (Her coat gets stuck.)
TimHere, let me help. (Does so.)
TimYou-you have a very beautiful... eye.
MonicaYou know all my friends think this is weird.
TimEven the one in the box?
MonicaIt's not weird, is it?
TimYou know I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I mean I almost called and canceled, but it really isn't.
MonicaI know! I mean it's like me and your dad, that's a totally separate thing.
TimOh, I totally agree.
MonicaI mean, we're just two people who find each other very attractive. Right?
(Tim leans in to kiss her. They stop, and when he tries to kiss her again, Monica pulls away.)
TimNo-no really, was-was that not ok?
MonicaNo-no-no that was good, it was, that was uh, that was a goood kiss...
TimOh my God! It didn't remind you of...
Monica(Interrupting) Oh don't say it!
TimNo, but it did! Didn't it?!
(They both shiver in horror.)
MonicaOh my god. I am sorry, I am..so sorry.
TimIt's ok. I mean, it wouldn't be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.
MonicaOh. You know what's even worse? My friends were right.
TimYou know what the worst thing is for me, is that you actually remind me of a younger version of... my mom.
(Monica quickly turns around.)
[cut to later, Tim has left. Monica is still shivering. There's a knock on the door.]
JoeyI'll get it. (It's Kathy.)
Kathy(Sees it's Joey) Oh.
KathyHey. Listen, I want you to know how sorry I am...
JoeyThat's ok. Chandler's the one I'm mad at so-
KathyWell, I'm-I'm still sorry. Is he here?
JoeyIn the box.
Kathy(Going over to the box) Chandler?
PhoebeOh, he-he can't talk right now.
KathyWhy not? What's going on?
PhoebeWell he's-he's trying to show Joey how much he means to him.
KathyBy being in a box?
RachelJoey had reasons.
PhoebeThey were threefold.
KathyOh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not being able to talk might actually make this, easier. Listen umm... (She looks at the gang who are watching, they take the hint and leave them alone.) Listen, I don't wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I can't stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I don't wanna be the cause of that. So, I don't think we can see each other anymore. I'm gonna go to my mom's, in Chicago, I'm gonna stay there for a while. (Pause) I think this could've be something really amazing, but you know this is probably for the best. You know? I'm gonna miss you. Goodbye, Chandler.
(She gets up and leaves, Chandler waves goodbye with one finger extended through the air hole. Ross glares at Joey.)
Joey(Starting to cry) Open the box!! (Runs over to do so.)
JoeyHe can still catch her! Come on, get out of there! (He opens the box) Get outta there!
JoeyYeah, we're gonna be fine! Get out!
JoeyYeah, you did some real good thinking in there.
ChandlerMan, this is...
(Joey says something unintelligible and they hug.)
JoeyNow go! 'Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from your Secret Santa! (Chandler runs out and closes the door.)
(After he's gone.)
JoeyAll right, who got Chandler? 'Cause I uh, need to trade.
Monica and Rachel's Balcony, the gang is all there watching Chandler.
RachelOh, he sees her!
MonicaOh, he's catching up to her!
PhoebeOh, she sees him! Oh, they're hugging!
RossHe's taking her purse!
JoeyUhh, that's not them. I'm gonna go call the police.
PhoebeOh, there they are!
(They watch them making out and sigh)
PhoebeAll right, get a room.
Written by Michael Borkow; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp