Chandler and Joey's, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are there as Ross enters. RossHey!
Chandler, Joey, and PhoebeHey!
RossSorry I'm late, did I miss anything?
PhoebeJoey stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth. (Joey, with an obvious mouth full, nods yes.)
Ross15? (Joey nods again) Your personal best! (Ross takes an Oreo and Joey mumbles, no!)
PhoebeSo, where were you?
RossOh, on a date. Yeah, I met thisthis girl on the train going to a museum upstate.
ChandlerOh, yeah! How did you meet her?
PhoebeOh, which museum?
Phoebe(just Phoebe) No, answer his.
RossOk, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so she'd have to pass by me if she wanted to switch cars. She was totally at my mercy.
ChandlerWere you so late because you were burying this woman?
RossNo, I'm getting back now because she lives in Poughkeepsie. She seems really great, but she's like, two and a half hours away.
ChandlerHow can she be great if she's from Poughkeepsie? (Laughs, at they all look at him) Ok, that joke would've killed in Albany.
JoeyDone! I did it! Heh, who's stupid now huh? (He smiles and has cookie remains all over his teeth.) Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. ChandlerHey, look at this! (Holding a newspaper) They're lighting the big Christmas tree tonight.
PhoebeUmm, that paper's two weeks old.
ChandlerAll right, who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?! Aw, I really wanted to take Kathy to this, I can't believe I missed it.
RachelHey, you know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it'll be Valentine's Day, then my birthday, then bang! before you know it, they're lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! (Hearing this, Gunther moves in) You know, I want a man! (Gunther leaves depressed) I mean, it doesn't even have to be a big relationship, you know, just like a fling would be great.
ChandlerReally?! I didn't think girls ever just wanted a fling.
RachelWell, let me tell you something, it's been a long time since I've been flung.
JoeyWell, I know what I'm giving you for Christmas.
ChandlerYou know what? There's some nice guys at my office, you want me to set you up?
RachelYeah! Wait a minute, it's been a long time that I've been single. How come you never offered this before?
ChandlerWell, I have a girlfriend, I'm-I'm happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.
RachelOk! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don't like guys with boring jobs.
ChandlerOh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?
(Monica enters)
PhoebeWhat's wrong Mon?
MonicaOhh, everybody at the restaurant still hates me.
JoeyIs it because of the review you wrote or something new? (Monica looks at him.) It's the review.
MonicaI thought I was making headway, everyone was smiling at me all day, and then I get off work and I find out that they wrote this (Puts on her chef hat) on my chef's hat. (The hat says 'Quit, bitch')
PhoebeHey, maybe they meant to write, 'Quiet, bitch.'
RachelHey honey! What's the matter? (Monica shows her, her hat.) Fine, just trying to be nice! Whoa!
MonicaI mean I have not been picked on this much since I was in kindergarten and they had to bring in someone from junior high to do the see-saw with me. (Joey laughs and Monica glares at him.)
MonicaI mean they're trying to do everything they can to make me quit, and if there were any other job, I would. But this is something I've been waiting for my whole life.
RachelWell, wait a minute, you're the boss! Why don't you just yell at them? Or, fire them?
MonicaOh, I would love too, but I can't! I mean I just can't, you know that I'm not good at confrontation.
ChandlerHey, you know what you can do? I remember reading about this director, I think it was Orson Wells, who at the beginning of the movie would hire somebody, just so he could fire them in front of everybody. Then they would all know, who is boss.
JoeyHey, Mon! I'm not doing anything, why don't you fire me?
MonicaIt's a good idea! Uh, do you know how to waiter?
JoeyGood enough to get fired.
MonicaAll right, you're hired!
JoeyHey! That must be why I got fired last week! Does this Orson Wells guy direct Burger King commercials?
Chandler(He glares at him for a while) Yes. Chandler's office, he is trying to find Rachel a date. ChandlerI say, Drew! Are you seeing anybody right now? (Drew looks at him) Og-ee-op, I'm not asking for me, I'm... you know, I'm-I'm not gay, I'm not asking you out. I'm not-I'm not-I'm not gay!
DrewI didn't think you were gay. I do now.
ChandlerSee my friend-my friend, Rachel, she, wants to be set up.
DrewAhh, you know, I just got out of a big relationship, I'm not looking for any thing serious.
ChandlerOh, you know what, that might be ok even if it was just kind of a fling, that might be all right with Rachel.
MikeWhoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Is this, hot Rachel, that you took to the Christmas party, Rachel?
Chandler(to Drew) Oh, by the way, that is her full name.
MikeOh wow! I'm free for her!
DrewWait a second! I didn't say I wasn't free!
MikeHey, Chandler, why don't we talk this over at the Ranger game tomorrow?
DrewHold on, you know I just got a box of Cubans, maybe I bring 'em by your office around uh, five?
ChandlerOh well, that's uh, a little later than I uh, generally care to stay, but sure!
MikeMaybe, before the game, we could enjoy some eight year old small batch Basil Hayden's.
ChandlerWell, I don't know what that is, but uh, that's a pretty nice jacket. (Mike takes it off and hands it to Chandler.) Kinda like that tie too. (Mike takes off his tie and hands it to Chandler. Then he immediately starts unbuckling his belt.) Keep your pants on man! Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is working on a new song. PhoebeHey! You guys, I'm writing a holiday song for everyone. Do you wanna hear it?
Monica, Rachel, and JoeyYeah! Of course!
PhoebeOk. (Singing) Happy Chanukah, Monica! May your Christmas be snowy, Joey! Happy New Year, Chandler and Ross. Spin the dreidel, Rachel!
RachelPheebs, that's great!
PhoebeOh, yay!
RachelBut you know umm, Rachel doesn't rhyme with dreidel.
PhoebeI know but it's so hard! Nothing rhymes with your stupid name!
JoeyWhat're you talking about? Lots of things rhyme with Rachel. Bagel. Mail. Jail. Bail. Cable. Maypole.
PhoebeAll good, thanks. (to Rachel) Uh, do you maybe have like a nickname that's easier to rhyme?
MonicaOh, didn't your dad used to call you Pumpkin?
RachelOh yeah!
PhoebePumpkin? Yeah. But did he ever call you like, Budolph?
Chandler(Entering) Hello, children!
Chandler(to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you!
ChandlerOh yeah, I just showed them this picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They're buying me drinks! They're giving me stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight?
JoeySure! Where are the seats?
ChandlerWherever! I've got like 20!
RachelSo will I like any of these guys?
ChandlerWell you know what, I'm gonna uh, play the field just a little more.
ChandlerGuys are signing over their 401(k)s to me.
Phoebe(Shocked) You-you work with robots?!
Chandler(Pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Ok, there's this one guy, Patrick, I think you'll like him, he's really nice, he's funny, he's a swimmer.
RachelOhh, I like swimmer's bodies!
ChandlerOh, yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on credit cards.
RachelOh, I like credit cards!
ChandlerSee, I'm not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?
RachelWell, so what does he do?
ChandlerHe works in the Fine Foods division.
RachelYour company has a fine foods division?
ChandlerIt's a big company, I don't- if you- I...
JoeyNow, wait a second! You make food and robots?
PhoebeNo! No, the robots just work for them.
Monica(Getting up) All right, I'm gonna go to work. Does anybody have a problem with that?
JoeyYeah, lady, I do! I got a problem with that!
MonicaYou want a problem? I'll give you a problem!
JoeyOh, what are you gonna do? You're gonna fire me?
MonicaYou bet your ass, I'm gonna fire you! See you later.
JoeyThanks. Central Perk, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are there. RossOh, wow! I should get going. I've-I've got a date tonight.
ChandlerOh yeah! With who?
RossYou know that girl I told you about who lives up in Poughkeepsie?
RossYeah. Not her. Yeah, this is someone else I met, and I-I can't decide between the two of them. You know the one from Poughkeepsie, even though she's a two hour train ride away, is really pretty, really smart, and-and a lot of fun. But this other girl, well, she lives right uptown. You know she's, well she's-she's just as pretty, I guess she's smart, she's not fun.
PhoebeShe's no fun, why do you wanna date her at all?
RossWell, I-I wanna give her another chance, you know? She lives so close. And, at the end of the date, the-the other time, she-she said something that was- if she was kidding was very funny. On the other hand, if she wasn't kidding, she's not fun, she's stupid, and kind of a racist.
Joey(Entering) Hey!
ChandlerHey man!
PhoebeHey! Ooh, how was your first day working at the restaurant?
Joey(Checks his watch) Damn! (runs out to work)
Allesandro's, Monica is cooking. Joey(Entering from the dining room) Hey.
JoeyOh, what happened to your fancy chef's jacket? (Sees there's a burn spot on it)
MonicaThey baked it. I can't take this anymore. I'm gonna call a meeting and I'm gonna fire you tonight.
JoeyYou got it! Oh! oh! (He starts patting the burned spot, which just happens to be over her breast.)
MonicaWhat're you doing?!
JoeyIt's still a tiny bit on fire there.
MonicaOh. Could you, please- (Joey's still patting the burn spot) I think you got it! Central Perk, Chandler is there. Rachel(Entering) Chandler!! You have the best taste in men!
ChandlerWell, like father, like son.
RachelPatrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious.
ChandlerReally?! I-I thought you weren't even looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for something kind of a fling.
RachelWell, you know, possibly. (Pause) You didn't tell him that, though? Right?
ChandlerUmmmmmmmm, no.
RachelYou told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don't tell the guy that!
ChandlerWhy not?! I'd be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get- oh I see.
RachelOh, between you telling him I wanted to have a fling and me putting out on the first date- oh he's so gonna get the wrong idea. Allesandro's, Joey is eating some cheese. MonicaHey, Joey, could you pass the cheese?
JoeyYeah. Listen, uh, I'd prefer it if you didn't call me Joey. 'Cause since I don't know anyone here, I thought it might be fun to try out a cool work nickname.
A Waiter(Entering) Hey, Dragon! Here's your tips for Monday and Tuesday. (Hands him two envelopes)
Joey(Opening an envelope) Looks like there's like 300 bucks in this one!
The WaiterYeah, people get pretty generous around the holidays. And it never hurts to wear tight trousers.
MonicaOk. Could the waiters gather around to hear tonight's specials? Ok, first, there is a Chilean sea bass prepared with a mango relish on a bed- Why is nobody writing these down?
The WaiterBecause we can remember them.
MonicaBecause you're all gonna make up fake specials and make me cook 'em like you did the other night?
The WaiterWell, sure, that too.
MonicaOk, forget the specials for a minute. Umm, uh here-here's the thing, for the last two weeks I have umm, (Quietly) tried really hard to create a positive atmosphere...
The WaiterCan't hear you!
Monica(Louder) Positive atmosphere! But I-I-I have had it up to here. (She holds her hand over her head as an afterthought.) From now on, it is going to be my way, or the highway! All right? Does anybody have a problem with that?! (Joey looks at the money he's holding, and doesn't speak up.) Hey new guy! I said, does anybody have a problem with that?!
JoeyNo ma'am.
The WaiterHey! He has a name, it's Dragon. Do you wanna know your name? Check your hat. (to another waiter) We did the hat right? (The other waiter nods yes.)
[Cut to later. The other waiters are gone and Monica is confronting Joey about his not speaking up.]
MonicaWhat the hell just happened?!
JoeyI am so-so-so sorry. I was gonna do it! Really! But then, I was standing there with 327 dollars in one hand and 238 dollars in the other hand, and I was thinking, "Wow! It's been a long time since I had... (tries to do the math in his head, but can't) 327 + 238 dollars!"
MonicaJoey, we had a deal. That-that's why you're here! I've got to fire you!
JoeyAnd I gotta pay rent! Look, how, how about this? You don't fire me, instead I stay here, I gain their trust, and then they'll start listening to all the nice things I've been saying about you.
MonicaWhat kinda things you've been saying?
JoeyWell nothing yet, they really hate you and I wanna fit in. Central Perk, Phoebe is working on her holiday song, Chandler is sitting on the couch reading a magazine, and Ross is sleeping on the couch. Phoebe(Singing) Happy, happy Chanukah, Chandler and Monica. Merry merry...
Chandler(Interrupting) Oh, you know, you know what Pheebs?
ChandlerI'm not Jewish, so...
PhoebeSo! Ross doesn't really decorate his tree with floss, but you don't hear him complaining do you? God! (Phoebe hits her guitar which wakes up Ross with a start.)
ChandlerBad dream?
RossI wasn't sleeping.
ChandlerOh yeah, then uh, what was Phoebe's song about?
RossThe one with the cat. I gotta go, I've got another date.
PhoebeOh, so did you pick one yet?
RossNo, it turns out that the one from uptown was making a joke. But it was a different joke than I thought- it wasn't that funny. So I'm still torn.
PhoebeWell look, you know you don't really like the one from uptown and you're too exhausted from dating the one up in Poughkeepsie, so I say you just end them both. Ok? You take a train up to Poughkeepsie and you break up with her, and on your way back you break up with uptown. And then by the time you get home tonight, you're done!
RossYou know what, you're right. Thank you.
PhoebeUmm, well I had a similar problem when I lived in Prague.
PhoebeSooo much you don't know. Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is playing living room golf as Rachel enters. Rachel sees this and holds the door open until Chandler is ready to start his swing, when he is, she slams the door shut which causes the club to fly from his hands. He turns around, shocked. RachelChandler! Patrick just uh, ended things with me. Did you or did you not tell him that I was looking for a serious relationship?
ChandlerI did! I absolutely did!
RachelYou idiot!!
ChandlerI'm sure you're right, but why?
RachelYou don't tell a guy that you're looking for a serious relationship! You don't tell the guy that! Now you scared him away!
ChandlerOh, man. I'm sorry, I'm so-so sorry.
RachelYou know, you should never be allowed to talk to people!
ChandlerI know! I know!
RachelOh! See just I'm- now I'm right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks! (She sits down heavily in one of the new chairs)
ChandlerWell, you know, you're-you're gonna meet somebody! You're a great catch! You know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn't have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)
ChandlerYeah! You graduated magna cum laude, right?
ChandlerUh, doesn't matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, you know what, I got two tickets to tonight's the Rangers game, you wanna come with me?
RachelCute guys in little shorts? Sure.
ChandlerWell, actually it's a hockey team, so it's angry Canadians with no teeth.
RachelWell that sounds fun too. (They hug.) Thank you.
ChandlerOk. Have you ever been with a woman?
RachelWhat?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?!
ChandlerSo there is no good time to ask that question. A train to Poughkeepsie, Ross is asleep against the window. The ConductorThe next station is Poughkeepsie. Poughkeepsie!
The Woman From Poughkeepsie(outside Ross's window) Ross? Ross! (She knocks on the window) Wake up! Ross! (The train starts moving) Ross! Ross!! Ross!!! Ross!!!! Allesandro's, Monica is cooking. MonicaI need more swordfish. (to one of the assistant chefs) Can you get me some more swordfish?
Kitchen WorkerI don't speak English.
MonicaYou did a minute ago!
Kitchen WorkerWell, I don't know what to tell ya!
(She goes into the freezer to get it herself, and leaves the door open. The waiter from earlier comes by and closes the door.)
MonicaOk! Very funny! Somebody let me out please?! Come on, I'm-I'm cold! (She spills something.) And covered in marinara sauce! Come on! Let me out! (The door opens)
The WaiterYou found that handle, did ya?
MonicaThat's not funny.
The WaiterWell that's not true.
Monica(Starting to cry) I'm a good person. And I'm a good chef, and I don't deserve to have marinara sauce all over me! You know what, if you want me to quit this bad, then all of you just...
Joey(Interrupting) Hey! Chef Geller! Yeah that little speech you made the other day? Well I got a problem with it!
MonicaYou do?
JoeyYou bet I do! I just ah, wasn't listening then, that's all.
MonicaWell, if you want a problem? I'll give you a problem!
JoeyWhat are you gonna do? You're gonna fire me? (Laughs)
MonicaYou bet your ass I'm gonna fire you! Now get out of my kitchen! Get out!! (Joey leaves) All right! Anybody else got a problem? How about you Chuckles? You think this is funny now?
The WaiterNo.
MonicaHow about if I dance around all covered in sauce? Huh? You think it's funny now?
The WaiterNo, it's really good.
MonicaGood! Now take those salads to table 4, (to the kitchen worker from earlier) And you! Get the swordfish! (to another assistant chef) And you! Get a haircut! The train, it's pulling into a station. The ConductorLast stop, Montreal. This stop is Montreal.
Ross(Waking up) What? (Notices that there is now a beautiful woman sitting next to him)
Woman On TrainI made a bet with myself that you have beautiful eyes. Now that I see them, I win.
Woman On TrainWe're at my stop. But would you like to have coffee?
Ross(Now fully awake) Are we really in Montreal?!
Woman On TrainYes we are. So, coffee?
RossCoffee sounds great. (They get up) Wait, so, so you live in Montreal?
Woman On TrainOh, no. But it's just a two hour ferry ride to Nova Scotia. Allesandro's, Joey is coming back in with his coat on. JoeyWell I guess I should've thought about my wife and kids before I talked back to chef Geller!
JoeyYep! Looks like it's gonna be a leeeeean Christmas at the Dragon house this year.
Joey(Leaving) Lean-lean-lean!
Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing her Christmas song. PhoebeSo, umm, this is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some very important people to me. (mouths to the gang "That's you guys".)
(Singing) "Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.
Said all you need is to write them a song.
They haven't heard it yet, so don't try and sing along.
No, don't sing along.
Monica, Monica, have a happy Chanukah.
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross.
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!
And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"
Happy holidays, everybody! Written by: Scott Silveri; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp