{embryo - an animal or human that has not yet been born, and has just begun to develop ↗foetus, fetus} Monica and Rachel's, it's zero dark thirty, in other words it's really, really early. Everyone's asleep, and all through the apartments not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. That is except for the chick, who turns out to be a rooster and is crowing in the sun. Needless to say, this awakens Monica and Rachel who rush into their living room, searching for the cause of the sound. RachelWhat the hell is that?! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods her head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (Storms over to Chandler and Joey's with Monica in trail.)
MonicaBoy, you are really not a morning person.
Rachel(Angrily) JUST BACK OFF!!! (She starts banging on their door.) Get up! Get up! Get up! God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up!!
(Chandler opens the door, finally.)
RachelWhat is that noise?
JoeyIt's the chick! She's...going through some changes.
MonicaWhat kind of changes?
ChandlerWell the vet seems to think that's she's becoming a rooster. (The rooster crows.) We're getting a second opinion. Monica and Rachel's, it's later that morning, everybody has gotten up and Ross and Phoebe has joined them for breakfast. Rachel is returning from shopping. PhoebeHey!
RossHey, what're you doing shopping at eight in the morning?
RachelWell, I've been up since six. Thanks to somebody's dumb-ass rooster.
PhoebeYou guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment.
RachelYeah! Especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around...
PhoebeAll right. I'm gonna go to the fertility doctor, and uh, see if I'm ready to have Frank and Alice's embryo transferred into my uterus.
RossNow how will they know if you're ready?
PhoebeOh, they're just gonna umm, look to see if my endometria layer is thick.
ChandlerOh, I can uh, check that for ya.
PhoebeOk everyone, think thick.
AllGoodbye! Good luck Phoebe! (She opens the door to reveal Monica and Joey.)
PhoebeHi! Wish me luck!
MonicaOh, good luck.
JoeyGood luck. (to Monica) And I'm still right!
MonicaThat is sooo not true!
JoeyShe's mad because I know today's her laundry day and that means she's wearing her old lady underpants.
ChandlerI can check that for you.
MonicaI ju-, I just I can't believe that you think you and Chandler know me and Rachel better than we know you.
ChandlerWell... we-we do. You, can only eat Tic Tacks in even numbers.
JoeyYeah, what's that about?
Chandler(to Rachel) And you... Ross, I believe, if you check Rachel's bag you will find a half-eaten box of cookies in there.
Ross(He does so, and finds a half-eaten box of cookies.) You're good. (Tries a cookie.) These are not.
RachelSo not impressed. Everybody snacks when they shop.
JoeyOh yeah? Ross, how many items left in that bag?
ChandlerOk, ten bucks says that we can name every item in that bag.
RachelHow many guesses do you get?
RossChallenge extended.
RossChallenge accepted.
JoeyAll right, we'll start with...apples.
RossWe'll be starting with apples.
Chandler(to Ross) Stop that now!
(Ross reveals a bag of apples.)
JoeyOk. Uhh, tortilla chips, yogurt.
ChandlerDiet soda.
RossYes. Yes. Yes. (They're perfect so far.)
ChandlerOrange juice.
RachelNo! There's no orange juice in there! We win!!
RossThey have another guess.
RachelOk, well, we won that one.
JoeyOk, the last thing...
ChandlerOh-oh, oh, oh-oh! (Whispers something in Joey's ear.)
JoeyNo-no, not for like another two weeks.
ChandlerI got it! Scotch... tape. (They're right.)
RossHow did you know she would buy Scotch tape?
ChandlerWell, we used theirs up last night making scary faces.
MonicaAww, man!
ChandlerAll right! Ten bucks! Fork it over! Cough it up! Pay the piper! Gimme it.
MonicaThat does not mean you know us better, I-I want a rematch.
RachelYeah, and none of these stupid grocery questions, real personal questions.
MonicaYeah! And the winner gets a hundred bucks.
MonicaAre you scared?
JoeyNoo. Ok, who-who makes up the questions?
MonicaRoss will do it.
RossOh, sure, "Ross'll do it!" It's not like he has a job, or a child, or a life of his own.
RachelFine! We'll ask Phoebe.
RossNo-no-no, I-I wanna play. The Doctor's office, Dr. Zane is examining Phoebe as Frank and Alice watch. Dr. ZaneLooks like your uterus is ready for implantation.
PhoebeOh! I knew it! I knew it! I felt really thick this morning.
FrankWell, ok, so what's now- go get, go get the eggs, put 'em in there.
Dr. ZaneOk, it'll take just a little while to prepare the embryos.
PhoebeEmbryossss? As in, "More than one?"
Dr. ZaneHmm, five actually.
PhoebeFive? Ok, where am I giving birth, a hospital or a big box under the stairs?
Dr. ZaneWe do five because that gives you a 25% chance that at least one will attach.
PhoebeThat's it? 25 percent? That means that's it's like 75 percent chance of no baby at all?!
FrankHey, you know I was thinking, what are the odds like, if-if, if you stuff like 200 of them in there?
AliceSweety, now, she's a woman, not a gumball machine.
PhoebeOk, well you know what, don't worry you guys, 'cause I'm-I'm gonna do this as many times as it takes to get it right.
FrankWell, see, the-the thing is, we-we only, we kinda only have one shot.
AliceUmm, it, it costs $16,000 each time you do this.
Phoebe (in an outrage)$16,000?!
Dr. ZaneWell eh it-it's 20 in California.
AliceUm, we're, we're kind of using all the money we have just to do it this one time.
PhoebeWhoa!! That's, ok, that's a lot of pressure on me and my uterus. (to Dr. Zane) So, well ok, so, there's maybe there is something that I can do, you know just to like help make sure I get pregnant?
Dr. ZaneNo, I'm sorry.
PhoebeWow! You guys really don't know anything!
FrankI know! Why don't you get drunk! That worked for a bunch of girls in my high school. Monica and Rachel's. (Monica walks out of her room and walks by Ross who is working on the gameboard)
MonicaSo how's the test coming? (Monica tries to look over the gameboard)
RossHey-hey-hey-hey you're touching the gameboard!
MonicaSorry....you freak! (Walks into the kitchen where Joey, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting at the table) Hey guys! Do you realize that any minute now, Phoebe can be pregnant?
RachelI know! I know, it's such a huge, life-altering thing.
JoeyI know.
(They all pause and think about it.)
RossThe test is ready.
AllLet's go! Oh yeah! Come on! (They all run into the living room, all excited.)
RossOk, each team will answer ten questions. The first team to answer the most questions wins. The categories are, Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It's All Relative. Now, the coin toss to see who goes first. (He flips the coin and they all watch it hit the table and stop. Then they all look up at him, to see who goes first.) Ok, somebody call it this time.
AllOh yeah!
(Ross flips the coin again.)
RossIt's heads. (The guys celebrate.) Gentlemen, pick your category.
ChandlerFears and Pet Peeves.
RossWhat is Monica's biggest pet peeve?
JoeyAnimals dressed as humans.
RossThat's correct. Ladies?
MonicaSame category.
RossAccording to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him?
MonicaMichael Flatley, Lord of the Dance!
RossThat is correct.
Joey(to Chandler) The Irish jig guy?!
ChandlerHis legs flail about as if independent of his body!
RossGentlemen, your pick.
JoeyIt's All Relative.
RossMonica and I have a grandmother who died, you both went to her funeral, name that grandmother!
Joey(to Chandler) Nana?
ChandlerShe has a real name.
Joey(Answering the question) Althea!
ChandlerAlthea?! What are you doing?!
JoeyI took a shot.
ChandlerYou're shooting with Althea?!
RossAlthea is correct.
ChandlerNice shooting!
(Ross motions for the girls to pick.)
RachelWe'll take Literature!!
RossEvery week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on the address label?
RachelOh, Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing!
RossI'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong.
MonicaI knew that! Rachel! Use your head!
ChandlerActually, it's Miss Chinandolor Bong. The Doctor's office, Phoebe is giving a pep talk to the petrie dish containing the embryos. PhoebeHello, teeny embryos. Well, I'm-I'm Phoebe Buffay, hi! I'm-I'm-I'm hoping to be your uterus for the next nine months. You should know, that we're doing this for Frank and Alice, who you know, you've been there! Umm, you know they want you so much, so when you guys get in there, really grab on. Ok, and-and I promise that I'll keep you safe and warm until you know you're ready to have them take you home, so... ok Oh! And also, umm next time you see me, if I'm screaming, don't worry, that's what's supposed to happen.
Dr. ZaneReady?
PhoebeUh-huh. (To the embryos) Good luck. Monica and Rachel's, the game is coming to a close. RossAll right, the score is nine to eight in favor of the guys. Ladies if you miss this the game is theirs, pick your category.
Rachel(Shouting) It's All Relative!!
RossYou don't have to shout everything.
Rachel(Shouting) I'm sorry!
RossOoh. What is the name of Chandler's father's Las Vegas all-male burlesque?
MonicaViva Las Gaygas!
ChandlerUnfortunately that is correct.
The GirlsYes!!
RossAll right, we have a tie. Luckily, I've prepared for such an event. (He opens up an envelope and holds up some note cards.) The Lightning Round!
RossThirty seconds, all the questions you can answer.
MonicaYou guys are dead, I am so good at lighting rounds.
ChandlerI majored in lightning rounds. All right, we're gonna destroy you.
MonicaHuh, wanna bet?
ChandlerWell, I'm so confused as to what we've been doing so far...
MonicaHow about we play for more money, say 150?
Ross150 dollars.
ChandlerSay 200?
Ross200 dollars.
MonicaYou're doing it again.
RossExcuse me.
RachelMonica, I don't wanna lose 200 dollars.
MonicaWe won't. (to Chandler) 300?
MonicaI'm just trying to spice it up!
RachelOk, so then play for some pepper! Stop spending my money!
MonicaI got it! How about, if we win, they have to get rid of the rooster?
RachelOooohh, that's interesting.
JoeyHey-hey, no way, that rooster's family!
RachelThrow in the duck too!
JoeyWhat do you have against the duck?! He doesn't make any noise!
RachelWell, he gets the other one all riled up.
JoeyLook, we are not gonna...
Chandler(Interrupting) All right, hold on! If you win, we give up the birds.
Joey(Shocked) Uhhh!! (Chandler motions for him to calm down.)
ChandlerBut if we win, we get your apartment.
(Chandler and Joey shake Monica's hand while Chandler jumps up and down in excitement.)
RachelWhat?! Monica, no, that's crazy. There's no way we are betting the apartment. No! (The rooster starts crowing) All right I am in! 'Cause either he goes or I'm buying a coyote!
(Joey gets scared) Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier, only slightly later. RachelMonica, betting the apartment, I don't know about this.
MonicaRachel, I have not missed one question the whole game. I own this game! Look at my hand. (Holds up her hand.)
RachelWhy? Do you have the answers written on there?
MonicaNo! Steady as a rock! Now, are you with me?
RachelAll right, let's do it.
MonicaCome on!
RachelOk. (They go into the living room.)
RossAll right, gentlemen, you're up first.
ChandlerOk. (Starts jumping around.)
RossYou have 30 seconds. The lightning round begins- stop it (Chandler stops jumping)- now. What was Monica's nickname when she was a field hockey goalie?
JoeyBig fat goalie.
RossCorrect. Rachel claims this is her favorite movie...
ChandlerDangerous Liaisons.
RossCorrect. Her actual favorite movie is...
JoeyWeekend at Bernie's.
RossCorrect. In what part of her body did Monica get a pencil stuck at age 14?
ChandlerOh! (Whispers something in Joey's ear and then in Ross's ear.)
RossEww! No!! Her ear! All right, Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
(They both confer.)
JoeyEveryday use.
ChandlerFancy guest.
RossTwo seconds...
JoeyUhh, 11!
Ross11, unbelievable 11 is correct. (The guys celebrate.) All right, that's 4 for the guys. Ladies, you're up.
Rachel & MonicaAll right! Come on! Come on!
(As they change places, they give each other the now patented Ross maneuver which is another way of flicking somebody off.)
Ross30 seconds on the clock. 5 correct questions wins the game. The lightning round begins...now! What is Joey's favorite food?
RossCorrect. Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breast?
RossNo, 19.
ChandlerThanks man.
RossJoey had an imaginary childhood friend. His name was?
RossCorrect, his profession was?
RachelOh, space cowboy!
RossCorrect! What is Chandler Bing's job?
(The girls are stumped)
RachelOhh. Oh gosh, it has something to do with numbers.
MonicaAnd processing.
RachelHe carries a briefcase.
Ross10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game.
MonicaIt's umm, it has something to do with transponding.
RachelOh-oh-oh, he's a transponce - transpondster!
MonicaThat's not even a word! I can get this! I can get this!
(Ross stops the clock, signifying the end of the lightning round.)
RachelOh my God.
Chandler and JoeyYEEEEEES!!! Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Joey are carrying in the foosball table. JoeyI call Monica's room!
ChandlerYou can't just call Monica's room.
JoeySure I can, standard shotgun rules, I'm in sight of the room and I called it.
(Chandler grunts and turns around, sees that he's in sight of the room, and mouths damn!)
MonicaYeah, I feel like I'm coming down with something.
MonicaYeah. (to Chandler) I bet you can't guess what color my tonsils are? I'll bet the apartment!
ChandlerOh, I would never bet this apartment. It's too nice.
Phoebe(Entering) Hey!
JoeyHey- ooh Pheebs, are they in there?
PhoebeUmm, yeah, uh-huh, they're implanted.
MonicaHow do you feel?
PhoebeWell, freaked. 'Cause it turns out that the odds are like really sucky. And, this is Frank and Alice's like only shot. I mean they are like, literally putting all of their eggs in my basket.
ChandlerYeah, but I bet it works.
MonicaReally?! How much?!
PhoebeAll right, I'm gonna go take a pregnancy test, right now.
JoeyOh wow! You can tell this soon?
PhoebeWell the doctor says it takes a couple days, but I mean my body's always been a little faster than Western medicine, so.
Rachel(Entering from Chandler's bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I can't believe you guys are actually think you're moving in here!
ChandlerWell believe it baby!
RachelWell I-I'm-I'm not moving.
RachelNo, it was a stupid bet! We were just playing a game!
JoeyYou can't just ignore the bet! It's a bet! You bet and bet if you lose it was the bet!
MonicaRach, we have to move. I mean if they'd lost, we would've made them get rid of the birds. Right?
RachelAw! Noooo.
MonicaAll right, look, I hate this as much as you, but, if it makes you feel any better, this is all your fault.
MonicaChinadolor Bong, come on, we steal that TV Guide every week!
ChandlerI knew it!
RachelI don't care, I'm not going anywhere.
ChandlerCool, girl roommate.
(Phoebe comes in from the bathroom as Rachel sits down in disgust.)
PhoebeNope, not knocked up yet.
MonicaIt's only been a couple of hours, so just give it some time.
PhoebeYeah, all right. Meanwhile, I'm gonna do whatever I can to help this so, I'm just gonna you know, lie in your chair, (She climbs into the chair and drapes her feet over the back of the chair.) Ok? You know? Jus- yeah, good, I'm gonna let gravity, you know, do its jobs. I won't, I won't get in the way. It'll be just like that time I tried to count all the bumps on your ceiling. So..
ChandlerYou know Pheebs, if you sit there long enough you'll be sitting in our apartment.
RachelI can't believe this.
JoeyOh Rach, FYI your new apartment hasn't had hot water since Christmas.
[Cut too later, the moving process is progressing steadily. Monica is trying to lift a heavy box, as Rachel comes in from Chandler's bedroom.]
MonicaHey, Rach, can you give me a hand with this box?
RachelNo! Put that box down! We are not going anywhere! This is my apartment and I like it! This is a girl's apartment! That is a boy's apartment, it's dirty and it smells. This is pretty. It's so pretty! And look, and it's purple! And I'm telling you, you with your steady hand, I am not moving, and now I have got the steady hand. (She holds out her hand, which is shaking uncontrollably.)
MonicaOk, ok. Shh... I'll take care of it.
RachelThat's right! You do what the hand says!
[Cut to later, Phoebe is still in the chair and Rachel is laying down as Monica enters.]
RachelHow did it go?
MonicaI lost our mattresses.
[Cut to still later, Rachel has now resigned herself to move and is now helping Monica. Phoebe is still on the chair.]
Phoebe(Singing) "Are you in there little fetus?
In nine months will you come greet us?
I will buy you some Adidas."
(There's a knock on the door and Monica answers it.)
Frank and Alice(Entering) Hi! Hi!
AliceOh! Hi, Phoebe! Um, we were just at the drugstore and so we got you uh a little present.
PhoebeOh. Oh. Wow. (Get's a headrush) That's where all my blood was.
FrankUmm, it's a lollipop and a uh, a home pregnancy test.
MonicaHey, don't mix those up, you could really ruin that lollipop.
AliceSo umm, you feel like taking a test? There's only one question. (Frank Jr. and Alice laugh)
PhoebeAll-all right, I will. No, I will. But umm, you know just remember that it's still really early, ok so, if it says that I'm not pregnant, that doesn't mean that I'm not gonna get pregnant, ok and, and just please, just so I don't go completely nuts, just try not to put all your hopes on this.
FrankOk. (They both squeal in expectation.)
PhoebeGreat. (Goes to take the test.)
(The door opens and Joey and Chandler ride in on the big, fake dog in triumph)
RachelYou know what, you are mean boys, who are just being mean!
JoeyHey, don't get mad at us! No one forced you to raise the stakes!
RachelThat is not true. She did! She forced me!
MonicaHey, we'd still be living here if hadn't gotten the question wrong!
RachelWell it's a stupid, unfair question!
RossDon't blame the questions!
ChandlerWould you all stop yelling in our apartment! You are ruining moving day for us!
RachelWill you stop calling it your apartment!
JoeyBut it is our apartment!
RachelNo it's not!
(They all decay into massive bickering as Phoebe returns from the bathroom.)
PhoebeYou guys! You guys! You're gonna have a baby! They're gonna have a baby!
(They all go over and hug Phoebe.)
PhoebeOh. Ok, but this can't be good for the baby.
AllOh! (They stop hugging her to let her out and resume the hug without her.) Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are busy unpacking. MonicaI can't find garbage bags!
RachelOh, I think I saw some in here.
(She opens a door and they both scream at horror at what's inside of it.)
MonicaWhat is it?!
RachelI don't know! But maybe if we keep that drawer shut, it'll die.
MonicaI can't believe we're living here! Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, they're both unpacked. The big ceramic dog has found a new home in front of the window. Joey screams and runs into the living room. ChandlerWhat?! What-what is it?!
JoeyDid you see the size of the closets?!
ChandlerI can't believe we live here!
(They both sit down on the chairs and put up the foot rest.)
Chandler and JoeyAwwwww!! (They lean back all the way.) Awwwwwww!!!

Written by Jill Condon & Amy Toomin; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp.