Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is getting ready for a fishing trip and Phoebe is asking him about the fishing lures. Ross is playing with the rod, and Monica is pretty much just watching the ongoing.
Phoebe(holding a lure) So now, what is this now?
Phoebe(Laughs and picks up another lure) And this?
JoeyGlow pop giggly jam.
Phoebe(Laughs harder) Made it so funny.
Monica(not wanting to be left out, picks up something) Hey umm, what's this?
Joey(Examining it) Ohh, a hunk of sandwich from last year. (Monica drops the sandwich)
Ross(Pretend fishing in the living room) Ohh, Geller's got one hooked! Ohh! Looks like a big one! Yeah, ohh! Ohh! (Swinging the rod back and forth) It's the classic struggle between man and - (swings the rod and knocks over a lamp.) Someone knocked over a lamp.
Joey(Going over and picking up the rod) That's all right. Hey you guys, you know what's gonna be great about the fishing trip this year? When my dad gets me out in the middle of the lake and gives me that, "Joey, what're you doing with your life?" stuff. I can say, "Well, I'm doing a movie with Charlton Heston dad. What're you doing with your life?"
AllAw. Nice! Great!
(Chandler enters from his bedroom, all depressed and wearing sweatpants, with the chick and duck in tow.)
ChandlerYou don't have to stop having fun just because I'm here. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you. (To Joey) Well, except you. (They hug and Chandler goes into the bathroom with the chick and duck following him.)
Monica(to Rachel) You know what is so sweet? Those birds have not left his side the whole time.
RachelYeah, I wish that rooster were dead.
MonicaHey, Joey, I don't think that you should leave Chandler alone. I mean it's only been two days since he broke up with Kathy. Maybe you can go fishing next week?
JoeyLook, there's nothing I can do for him right now, he's still in his sweatpants, that's only phase one. You know? I'll be back for phase two, I would never miss phase two.
MonicaWhat's phase two?
JoeyGetting drunk and going to a strip club.
RachelHow does going to a strip club make him better?
RossThere are naked ladies there.
JoeyOh, and it helps him get to phase three, picturing yourself with other women.
RossThere are naked ladies there, too.
Chandler(Opening the bathroom door and kicking out the chick and duck) Would you give me one minute please!
Bloomingdale's, Rachel is still dressing Joshua. He is trying on a pair of pants.
JoshuaSo, these will match the jacket you picked out for me last week?
RachelUm-hmm. (Joshua turns to look in the mirror and leaves Rachel staring at his ass.) There we go. There it is.
Joshua(Turning around) Oh! You know what I need?
JoshuaGloves. Brown, leather dress gloves.
RachelOh, ok. Uhh, well let's see. (Grabs his hand.) You're about- well uh, this one is large. And this one- (Grabs the other hand.)
RachelYeah! Ok, two larges coming right up! (Turns around and walks into a mannequin.) Oops. Hello. (Joshua leaves the room.) (to the mannequin) Damn you!
Mr. Waltham(Entering) Rachel! Could I have a moment?
Mr. WalthamI was wondering, my niece you see is in town from London- well Shropshire really but you know- well she's about your age I'd say. Anyway, I have tickets for the opera, Die Fledermaus, and I was wondering if you'd like to keep her company this evening?
RachelSure. You got it. Great!
Mr. WalthamOh, good.
RachelCount me in. Me, Fladermouse, great. I really- (motions to Joshua.)
Mr. WalthamOhh! Yes of course, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much.
JoshuaSo...(Holds out his hands as to say, "Where are my gloves?")
RachelSo? (She puts her hands in his, totally forgetting about the gloves, and hoping for something more intimate.)
RachelOhh! Right! Sorry, I'll be right back!
JoshuaUhh, actually you know what, I kinda- I gotta take off.
JoshuaBut I was curious; do you have any plans for tonight?
JoshuaI invested in this nightclub and it's opening tonight, would you like to come?
RachelYeah! That would be great!
JoshuaYou're into hard-core S&M right?
Rachel(Shocked) Well, I-I guess- I...
JoshuaKidding! (Rachel is relieved) I gotta get there early, but I'm gonna put you on the VIP list, ok? Look for me.
RachelYeah, great, you betcha!
JoshuaI'll see you tonight.
Mr. Waltham(Entering) I almost forget the tickets, didn't I?
Mr. WalthamFor you, and Emily, tonight, Die Fledermaus.
RachelOh. Oh, right.
Mr. WalthamI think you'll like it, it has two out of the three tenors.
Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is in his sweats flinging playing cards into a pot.
ChandlerYou know, I can't believe Kathy did this to me. I really, thought that she was the one. I'll tell you what, from now on I'm not getting out of this chair, ever! Ok? From now on, this chair is the one! You know what else is the one? My sweatpants!
RossCome on, man! Just-just take the sweats off. Ok? Just take 'em off and we'll have some fun. (They all look at him.)
PhoebeWow, and I can't resist that line. That's why I never wear sweatpants.
RossCatch any big fish? (Phoebe, Ross, and Monica all go over to him.)
JoeyOh my God, you guys have no idea.
All(They all recoil from the smell emanating from him) Oh! God! Wow!
RossAre you kidding?!
JoeyYeah, three days on the lake without a shower. Plus, I fell in that big tub of worms at the bait stand! Hey, how-how's he doing?
RossHe hasn't gotten out of that chair in two days.
Joey(Goes over to Chandler) Hey buddy! How's it going?
(Chandler imitates retching and gets out of the chair.)
Joey(To the rest of the gang) Hey, see that? He just needed his pal to come home. All right, uh, I gotta go memorize my lines. (Starts to go his bedroom) Me and Charlton Heston bright and early tomorrow baby! Yeah you do!
MonicaUh-oh, what's the matter?
RachelOhh, it's Joshua invited me to this fancy club opening tonight. But, I already told Mr. Waltham that I would take his niece to this dumb old opera. So... What're you gonna do?
MonicaI don't know sweetie.
RachelNo! Help me!
MonicaUh! I can't! I have to work!
RachelOh crap, Phoebe?
PhoebeI would, but I get my morning sickness in the evening.
PhoebeOh no! Unless! She wants to spend the night holding my hair back for me.
RachelOhh, gosh. You guys, come on, this is- I have to meet Joshua! This is my one chance for him to see the fun Rachel. You know the "Wouldn't it be great if she were my wife" Rachel. Ohh, all right! Are Joey and Chandler back?
MonicaOh, Chandler's still in phase one, and-and Joey's that thing you smell.
RachelOhh! (Realizes that Ross is in the room.) Hi!
RachelOhhhh, come on!!!
(There's a knock on the door.)
MonicaI think she's here.
RachelNo! Wait! Wait-wait! Ross, please!
RossYou want me to take some girl I've never met to the opera so you can go to a club and flirt with some guy, hmm, yeah, that-that is a toughie.
Monica(Looking out the peephole) Ohh, she's looking down the hall. Oh! She looked right at me! Oh wait, you can't see people through that little hole, can you? (Goes back to the door.) Hello!
WomanHello! (Monica screams)
RachelI'll be right there! (to Ross) Ok, Ross, please come on! I thought we had moved on! I thought we've gotten to a place where we could be happy for each other! I mean was that just me?
RossAll right, I'll do it.
RachelOh thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! (Monica opens the door.) Emily?
RachelI'm Rachel Green.
RachelThere's been a teeny teeny change in plans. Turns out that I'm not free tonight. So...
EmilyReally?! Well, that's just lovely, isn't it? I must've missed your call, even though I didn't leave the flat all day.
RachelOh well, no I...
EmilyOh, no-no-no, that's not rude! It's perfectly in keeping with a trip where I've already been run down by one of your wiener carts, and been strip-searched at John F. Kennedy Airport, apparently to you people, I look like someone who's got a balloon full of cocaine stuffed up their bum.
MonicaI-I-I think you look great.
EmilyGood night, it was very nice to meet you all. (Storms out.)
RachelI'll get her.
PhoebeDon't you just love the way they talk? Woo, oh, you know.
Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next morning, Monica and Phoebe are eating breakfast.
PhoebeIt kicked! I think the baby kicked!
MonicaOh my God!
PhoebeOh no wait, oh no, that was the elastic on my underwear busted.
Joey(Running from his bedroom) Oh my God! I overslept! I was supposed to be on the set half an hour ago! I gotta get outta here!
MonicaOh wait, Joey, you can't go like that! You stink!
JoeyLook, I know I fell asleep before I could take a shower and now I don't have time! They're just ten blocks away, if I run, I can make it.
MonicaYeah. Run ten blocks, that'll help the smell.
(He opens the door to reveal Rachel.)
RachelHey - whoa, slow down. (Gets a whiff of him) No, keep moving. (Joey runs off.) Wow!
MonicaSo? How did it go with Joshua last night?
RachelWell, I didn't see Joshua, but, I did punch a girl in the face.
RachelThe whole night was horrible, it was pouring down rain, and when I got there, there was no Rachel Green on the list, but there was a Rachel Greep.
PhoebeOhh! So, did you get to meet her?
RachelNo, there is no Rachel Greep, but then this other girl overheard us and she was all, "I'm Rachel Greep! I'm Rachel Greep!" and he let her right in.
MonicaSo you hit her in the face?
RachelNo, she was already in, but then this big bitch behind me tried to steal my umbrella, so I clocked her. Ohhh! I can't believe this, all I wanted was just a few hours outside of work to see Joshua, so he can go ahead and start falling in love with me.
Phoebe(Going over to comfort her) Aww, Pheebs.
RachelHoney, that's your name.
PhoebeThat's short for Phoebe?! I thought that just was what we called each other!
(Chandler enters from his bedroom.)
MonicaHey! You're wearing pants!
ChandlerThat's right! Where're the guys? I'm ready to get drunk and see some strippers.
MonicaIt's 9:30 in the morning!
ChandlerThey got a breakfast buffet.
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
MonicaHello. (Listens) Oh, hey Ross!
ChandlerOoh, let me talk to him!
MonicaOh-oh, my God!
ChandlerWell, can I just...
Monica(to Chandler) Shh!! (On phone) Wait, what?
ChandlerShe's shhing me! It's my phone and she's shhing me!
PhoebeShhh!! Please! What's he saying?
MonicaHe's with Emily at a Bed and Breakfast in Vermont!
PhoebeWhat? Oh my God!
RachelWho the hell is Emily- (Realises) Noooo!!
Ross(in Vermont) When we first met her, she was soaking, her feet were wet. Who wouldn't be miserable? I'm telling you, once I got her into a dry pair of shoes she was a totally different person.
RachelThey're in Vermont!! How did this happen?! (She waves her arms frantically and hits Chandler.)
RachelHow-how did he end up in Vermont with that awful witch?! (She hits Chandler again.)
ChandlerMaybe, she doesn't hit him all the time.
[Cut to Ross in Vermont, talking on the phone.]
Emily(Rushing in) Ross! Come quickly! There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard!
RossI gotta go, there's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard! (He hangs up and runs out.)
[Cut back to Chandler and Joey's.]
MonicaHe had to go, there was a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard.
RachelI don't get this! She was horrible! (She hits Chandler, yet again.)
ChandlerOk, I'm gonna go stand over there. (Points and moves into the living room.)
MonicaWhy do you care so much anyway?
RachelI don't care! Oh God, you know what? I'm just upset that I'm getting nowhere with Joshua that- you know what still, you do not just meet someone and go flitting off to Vermont!
MonicaWell, when you first met Barry, you flitted off to Vail.
RachelOh, you know, could you just for once, not remember every...little...thing!! (Storms out.)
ChandlerSo you know, uh, when's he getting back?
MonicaA couple of days.
ChandlerYou know what, I knew something like this was gonna happen. (He starts to take off his pants, revealing that he is still wearing his sweatpants.)
MonicaWhat're you doing?! Chandler! You can't just go back a phase!
ChandlerYes you can. You're thinking about time, you can't go back in time.
PhoebeWell, look, why don't you just, why don't you do your phase two strip club thing with us.
MonicaYeah, come on, we can be guys!
Chandler(Laughs) No you can't.
PhoebeCome on! Let us be guys! Maybe we wanna be guys!
ChandlerYou don't wanna be guys, you'd be all hairy and wouldn't live as long. (Starts to go to his bedroom)
PhoebeYou know, you, you just stop being such a wuss and get those off and you come with us and watch naked girls dance around!!
ChandlerOk. (Starts to cry)
PhoebeI'm sorry. (Goes and hugs him)
Silvercup Studios, Joey is just arriving for his scene.
Joey(Rushing in) Hey! Joey Tribbiani! I'm here! I'm here!
The ADCalm down, we got time, we're running a little late.
(Just then, Charlton Heston walks out of his dressing room and starts eating a licorice whip.)
JoeyLook at that, Charlton Heston eating a licorice whip!
The ADYeah, he loves them. I've never seen him- (He gets a whiff of Joey and starts smelling around.)
Joey(Trying to act like he's not the one that stinks.) Whoa! Yeah, what the hell is that? What smells so bad?
JoeyI-I can see why you would think that, but ah, actually, you know who I think it is?
JoeyNo-no, it's uh, it's Heston.
JoeyYeah, the man reeks! Smells like he went on a three day fishing trip and then ate some licorice.
The ADThere's no way he smells, he's the only one around here with a shower in his dressing room.
JoeyReally, shower huh? And uh, which-which room might that be?
The ADThe one with "Heston" on it.
A strip club, the girls are there with Chandler, who isn't enjoying himself.
Monica(Coming back to the stage and sitting next to Chandler) Ok, I got some ones, you wanna put them in her panties?
ChandlerNo thanks, mom!
(A man sits down next to Phoebe and lights up a cigarette.)
PhoebeOh, no umm, hi, that-that, um, you have to put that out, 'cause I'm pregnant.
The Cigarette Smoking GuyWell, maybe you and your baby oughta go to another strip club.
PhoebeHa-ha, it's not my baby, ha-ha-ha! (He leaves.)
(The dancer finishes and everyone claps.)
MonicaVery good, yes. So- (Getting up and sliding a one into the dancer's hot pants)
Phoebe(Doing the same) I really, really enjoyed it. Very exotic.
Rachel(Joining them) Well, I just checked our messages and Joshua didn't call. I mean you would think he would be worried about me not showing up at his club. Ugh, you know what makes it so much worse, Ross is all happy in Vermont!
PhoebeCome on! Look where you are!!
Monica(to the waitress) Kid, a sec? another round of daiquiris.
PhoebeRemember, um virgin for me please.
MonicaOh! And don't let me leave without getting the name of that carpet guy.
RachelOh and Sharon, you know what? Honey, you might wanna just (Motions to close her top up which she does)
ChandlerOh, come on! All right, you know what, you know what, I'm just gonna go home and call Kathy.
PhoebeWell, if you think it will help.
ChandlerNo! That was a test! You know, in a couple of hours I wanna get really drunk and I'm gonna wanna call Kathy and you guys are gonna have to stop me! And then after that, I'm gonna be so drunk, I'm gonna wanna call Janice.
PhoebeYou should! How is she?
MonicaI think somebody needs another lap dance. (Motions for one.)
(Chandler imitates a pistol shot to his head as the stripper sits on his lap.)
Silvercup studios, Joey is taking a shower in Charlton Heston's dressing room. Heston enters the room and walks over to the shower and confronts Joey about the use of his shower.
Charlton HestonHello! Who's in there? (He opens to curtain to reveal a naked and wet Joey.)
JoeyHow you doing?
Charlton HestonWho in the hell are you?
JoeyUh, I guess you wouldn't believe me if I said I was Kurt Douglas, huh?
Charlton HestonPut some pants on kid so I can kick your butt.
JoeyNo-no-no, no, no, wait. You don't understand, see, I'm an actor, Joey Tribbiani, I'm doing a scene with you today, and well, I stink.
Charlton Heston(Shocked) You're in this picture?
JoeyYeah, yeah, I'm one of the cops that won't work with you 'cause you're a lose cannon. Anyway, look, I'm really sorry, but I just, I stink!
Charlton HestonJoey, right?
Charlton Heston(tosses him a towel, motions for him to get out of the shower and sits down on the couch) Come here. Come here. Every actor one time or another - opp! (Joey tries to sit down next to him and Heston makes him sit somewhere else.) Every actor thinks he stinks, even Lawrence Oliver sometimes thought he stank, Bob Redford won't even watch himself.
JoeyOh no-no-no, you don't understand...
Charlton HestonListen to me!
Charlton HestonI don't know one actor worth his salt who one time in his career didn't say, "God, I stink!" Hell, I just did a scene out there, first take, I stunk the place up. But, the important thing that you must remember, no matter how badly you think you stink, you must never ever bust into my dressing room use my shower! Do you understand me?!
JoeyYes sir! Yes sir, I'm-I'm - (He starts to leave)
Charlton HestonWait a minute! Take your pants.
JoeyYeah. Oh, yeah. (He does so) Sorry, I'm really sorry. (Leaves)
Charlton Heston(Laughs) Phew, what a business. (Laughs to himself again)
Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are returning from the strip club.
MonicaSo, we did ok at the strip club, right?
ChandlerOh yeah, that was great. Thanks to you, the hottest cocktail waitress there is quitting to teach the third grade!
Rachel(Entering) I can't believe it! He still hasn't called.
MonicaWhat, he doesn't like Josh?
RachelNo, I don't.
ChandlerAll right, well I'm gonna put my sweats back on.
PhoebeOh no! Wait! Wait! Ok, you know what, you were right, you were right. We really weren't great at being guys, but you know why? Because we're girls.
PhoebeOk, and do you know what girls are really good at?
PhoebeNo, listening! Sit! You know, maybe just, it would really, really help if you would just talk.
RachelYeah, come on! What's going on in there? (Pats his chest.)
MonicaYeah. You know, if you wanna cry, that's ok too.
ChandlerOk, look, I'm gonna have to ask you all to leave.
MonicaCome on! Chandler!
ChandlerLook, um forget it. We tried, but phase three is a lost cause, ok? Those strippers were insanely hot, and I couldn't picture myself with any of them. (Sits back in disgust.)
MonicaThey really were pretty, weren't they? (Rachel and Phoebe both agree)
PhoebeYeah, I really liked that fighter pilot one.
MonicaOh, Candy? She was so spunky!
MonicaYou know, I think if I were gonna be with a woman. (Chandler is intrigued.) It'd, it'd be with someone like Michelle, she was so oh, she was so petite.
RachelSee, I don't know, for me it would have to Chantal.
RachelYou know, oh my goodness, she had the smoothest skin! I mean when I stuck that dollar bill in her G-string and grazed her thigh...
Chandler(Jumping up) Phase three! I just achieved phase three!
ChandlerI am totally picturing you with all those women!
MonicaThat's-that's not phase three.
ChandlerWell, I'm there too!
RachelWell, are we all together? Like in a group?
ChandlerStop it! You're killing me! I think I just moved on to phase four!
PhoebeOh! What is that? What is that?
ChandlerWhere I don't wanna have a relationship ever! I just wanna have sex with strippers and my friends!!
Central Perk, the gang is there, minus Ross. Chandler is trying to cheer Joey up about missing phase two.
ChandlerCome on, let me see that smile.
JoeyI don't wanna.
JoeyI wanted to go to the strip club!
ChandlerI know, but you're gonna 've plenty of chances ok? There are like thousands of women out there who're just waiting to screw me over.
JoeyYeah, all right. (Ross enters.)
PhoebeHey- ooh, how was Vermont?
RossEmily is...incredible. I mean there-there are no words to describe her, the whole weekend was-was like, a dream. (Sees Rachel coming back from the bathroom.) Oh! And you! Rach!
RossHey! You were so right!
RossUh, wh-what you said, about us finally being in a place we could really be happy for each othe-
RossI mean, I, I-I admit I-I wasn't quite there. You know, I mean, the thought of you and that-that Josh guy...
RossJoshua...guy at that club, dancing, having a good time, the thought of it kinda...you know.
RossBut now! But now! I'm totally there! I'm-I'm finally where you are.
RachelOh, thank, goodness!
RossYeah, and-and thank you, for Emily.
RachelOh, no problem. I'm so glad I could help. You know, happy for you. (She playfully punches him.)
RossHappy for you. (He punches her back.)
RachelNo, happy for you! (Hits him harder.)
Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is there and is getting ready to direct a bunch of strippers, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe on what to do in the upcoming orgy of lesbian lust. Yes, it's a dream sequence, this isn't cable.
ChandlerAll right ladies, here's what we're gonna do. (Points to a stripper.) You are gonna take off my clothes. (To another two strippers) You two, go get the oils. (To another stripper) And you just constantly scream at the top of your voice, "Chandler's the king! Chandler's the king!"
PhoebeI-I wanna be with her, (Points to the stripper next to her) I like her.
ChandlerOh, that's fine! Go with your instincts, go with your instincts.
MonicaWait, now, what am I doing again?
ChandlerCome on! Would you please pay attention, I could wake up at any moment!
The Cigarette GuyHi, I'm Joshua, I'm here to pick up Rachel.
RachelNo-no-no, that' not Joshua.
ChandlerOh, what do you want from me, I've never met the guy. So anyway, Rachel, I'm sorry you can't stay, (Rachel is upset about leaving the orgy with the cigarette guy.) the rest of us have a lot of work to do. (The cigarette guy starts rubbing Chandler's back.) What're you doing? (The guy just nods) All right, listen, I gotta wake up!
Written by Wil Calhoun; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp