Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Monica are there. Phoebe knocks on the door and enters not saying a word. ChandlerHello.
MonicaHey.
(Phoebe throws her purse on the floor in frustration and then grabs a box of cereal and knocks it over in anger too.)
ChandlerWoa-oh. Cereal killer.
MonicaCereal killer?
ChandlerHey, come on, I say more dumb things before 9 a.m. than most people say all day.
PhoebeNothing. I-I can't find anything that I wanna eat! Everything I eat makes me nauseous! I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake- ooh! Cake! (Chandler shrugs, and Phoebe grimaces.) No.
MonicaAww, honey I'm sorry.
PhoebeGod! Ooh! What is that smell? It's coming from the bathroom. Ooh! (She goes to the bathroom.)
ChandlerWow! Pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.
[Cut to the bathroom, Joey is taking a shower and Phoebe knocks on the door.]
JoeyYeah?
PhoebeIt's me. It's Phoebe. Listen there's something in here I wanna eat, what-what, what smells so good?
(Joey sticks his head out of the shower curtain.)
JoeyIs it the shampoo? It's guava.
Phoebe(She smells his head) No!
JoeyOh! Wait-wait! (Reaches inside the shower.) Is it my bologna sandwich?
PhoebeYes. Yes. Yes. I can't believe it! The baby wants bologna! Baby wants me to eat meat? I can't eat meat!
JoeyOh, wait-wait! (Reaches into the shower again.) Maybe it's a pickle?!
(Phoebe grimaces at the smell.) Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are there. Rachel is writing something on a pad, and then crumples it up and throws it on the floor. ChandlerWhat're you writing?
RachelWell, Joshua's coming in tomorrow and since I don't have the guts to ask him out, I'm gonna sell him a coat and put this note in the pocket.
ChandlerOh yeah? (He grabs the pad and starts reading it.) Joshua, give me a call sometime, guys like you (Pause) never go out of style- what did you throw away?
(Ross and Emily enter.)
ChandlerHi guys!
AllHey!
Emily & RossHi. Hi.
JoeyHey. Hey Emily, what've you guys been up to?
RossOh, we went to see a collection of Victorian doorknobs at the Cooper-Hewitt museum.
ChandlerWithout me?!
EmilyMy uncle dragged us there. But, actually it turned out to be really interesting.
RossYeah.
EmilyThey were so ornate and beautiful, I mean look at that! (Shows them a doorknob she has.)
MonicaI don't know how museums work in England but, here, you're not supposed to take stuff.
EmilyI uh, I got it from the gift shop. They have really lax security there. (Chandler is shocked.) It's a joke. (They all laugh.)
Chandler(in a British accent) Anyone for more tea? (Ross and Emily stare at him.) No, just me then. (Goes over to get some coffee.)
MonicaHey Ringo. Every time Emily's around, you talk like her. Would you please cut it out.
Chandler(Chuckles) I think you like it. I think you can't resist me when I do it. You want to eat me up like a cream (in a British accent) "pumpy."
MonicaWhat?!
ChandlerAll right, look, I don't know all the words.
EmilyRight, I've got to be off, see you. Buh-bye then.
Chandler(in a British accent) Buh-bye then. (They all stare at him.)
(Emily leaves.)
JoeyHey so you guys seem to be having a good time huh?
RossOh, yeah, she's-she's amazing. And-and she's so much fun, you know. And, you know what? When I'm with her, I'm fun! I do things like-like run off to Vermont, and-and you guys saw the doorknob. I even signed up for helicopter classes. (Chandler is shocked.) She's leaving in two days, I don't have to do it.
MonicaOh no, two days, you must be bummed.
RossYeah, she's gotta go back to London. But you know what? I've been prepared for this from the start. We both knew we had two weeks together, and-and that's it. You know?
JoeyHey that's what all my relationships are like.
ChandlerYes, but in Ross's case, they both know in two weeks that's it.
(Phoebe enters.)
RossPheebs!
AllHey!
Ross(Starts rubbing her belly) Oh Hello, Hello!
Phoebe(Angered by the rubbing) Yes! I know! I know! Yeah! So, the baby is totally craving meat. This afternoon I tried tricking it, I made it a soy-burger so that maybe it would think it was getting meat, you know? And I got nauseous.
ChandlerMaybe that's because soy-burgers suck! But I'm no obstetrician...
PhoebeNow being pregnant is hard on your tummy.
JoeyHey, but at least you got that cool, pregnant lady glow.
PhoebeOh, that's sweat. You throw up all morning, you'll have that glow too. Bloomingdale's, Rachel is preparing to slip Joshua the note. Joshua(Coming in from a changing room) Ok!
RachelOh, here's that trench coat that you wanted.
JoshuaOh great, great! (He tries on the coat.) Wow! Yeah, it's comfortable.
RachelYeah?
JoshuaMan, I could really flash somebody in this thing. (He goes to put his hands in his pockets.)
Rachel(Stopping him) Oh no-no, no-no, they don't want you to put your hands in the pockets until you are out of the store.
JoshuaWhy not?!
RachelWell, because, we got a lot of... (She imitates someone picking their nose and placing the treasure found in the pockets.)
JoshuaYou know, they ruin it for everybody.
RachelI know!
JoshuaYou know, I wore that cashmere sweater on a date last night.
RachelOh?
JoshuaYeah, it was the first date since uh, since divorce.
RachelWell, congratulations, so do you love her?
JoshuaNo, no, no, she's nice, but, you know, it just made me realize that I'm just, I'm just not ready to be dating, you know?
RachelHuh. Well, uh, that's uh, that's interesting. (She goes over and retrieves her note.)
Joshua(Noticing her) Hey-whoa-hey-hey, what was that?
RachelOh, it's just an anti-theft device.
JoshuaThen uh, what's-what's this? (Shows her the real anti-theft device.)
RachelWell you need that, you need that too 'cause obviously, a thief could just tear this right up. (Rips up the note.) Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is writing on the Magna Doodle as Rachel enters. RachelOh. Listen, we, we have to have a party tonight! Actually, we have to have one in five minutes, everybody cancel your plans.
ChandlerWhat're you talking about?
JoeyYeah, what's going on?
RachelWe have to have a surprise Bon Voyage party for Emily. But it's actually for Joshua.
ChandlerThat sucks! Nobody's ever thrown me a bon-voyage-Emily party.
Rachel(Starts handing out party hats.) Look, he said he's not ready to date, so I had to invite him to a party if I wanted to see him outside of work, and now I 've created the perfect opportunity to seduce him! (Hands Ross a party hat.)
RossWell, as much as I'd like to meet Josh and warn him, Emily and I aren't gonna be here. All right? I mean, she's gonna come by first to say goodbye, and then I've got a whole special evening planned. So sorry, no party.
JoeyAwwww!
Emily(Entering) Hello?
RachelSurprise!!!
Chandler and JoeySurprise!!
EmilyNo one's ever thrown me a surprise party before!
RachelWell, it was all Ross's idea.
EmilyYou're so sweet! And I'm so surprised!
RossYou really didn't know?
[Cut to later, the party is in full swing. Rachel is in the kitchen and Chandler goes over to talk to her.]
ChandlerWhy are you over here if Joshua is all the way over there? (Points to the living room.)
RachelUhh, because I'm trying to play hard to get. Oh, quick, he's looking over here, say something funny.
ChandlerLike what?
(Rachel laughs hysterically.)
JoeyWhat-what-what is so funny?
ChandlerI said "Like what?"
JoeyNow that's a thinker.
RachelOk, You know what, You know what? This-this playing hard to get thing is not working. Umm, hand-hand me those cherries. (Chandler does so.) Ok. Ok. (She does a little sexy walk over to where Joshua is standing.) Hi!
JoshuaHi!
RachelCare for a cherry?
JoshuaOh, no thanks.
RachelNo? You know, I can tie one of these into a knot using just my tongue.
(She tries to demonstrate this unique ability, but only succeeds in choking on it.)
JoshuaYou ok? (Rachel swallowed it whole and is now hacking like a heavy smoker in the morning.) You all right? (Rachel walks away, coughing.)
Ross(Interrupting Monica and Emily) So we should probably, get going soon.
EmilyOh, but the party's only just getting started!
RossYeah, but we-we have to be at the Four Seasons for drinks and, oh! 15 minutes and then uh you know, then The Plaza for dinner.
EmilySo why did you plan a party at the same time?
RossNo-no-no, no, umm, actually American surprise parties are-are-are very short. It's usually, "Surprise!" And then, "Oh my God, I'm so surprised- goodbye!"
EmilyRoss, I'm having such a great time! Your sister has just been telling me that you used to dress up like little, old ladies and hold make-believe tea parties.
RossMonica said that did she? (He squeezes Monica's knee really hardly and Monica winces in pain.) Oh, oh, did she tell you that when she was little she was partially responsible for new legislation regulating the strength of swing sets? (Monica does the 2-fist gesture to Ross who isn't even looking.) Monica walks over to Joey and Phoebe in the kitchen. Phoebe is watching Joey make a sandwich. PhoebeOoh, yeah. Then what are you gonna put on top of that?
JoeyA little salami.
PhoebeOoh yeah, yeah. Then umm, what goes on top of the salami?
JoeyPastrami.
PhoebeOooh, yeah. You're a genius.
(Rachel enters, she has changed clothes.)
RachelOh, could somebody give me a hand with the zipper?
JoeyYeah. (He goes over to her.)
RachelUp!
MonicaYou changed?
RachelYeah, I decided, I needed my lucky dress.
MonicaAnd lucky means, more cleavage?
ChandlerDoes for me.
(Joey starts wiping lint off of her back, but goes at little too far and Rachel just glares at him. He stops, gives her the 'ok' symbol and walks away.)
RachelOhh, God! Look at him, he's so cute. I just wanna go over there, grab him, and kiss him! How can I kiss him and not letting him know that I like him?
JoeyOh hey! I know how you can get him, take off your bra.
RachelWhat?
JoeyThere was a scene in Footloose...
ChandlerFlashdance.
JoeyYeah-yeah, yeah, with that-that uh, plumber girl...
ChandlerShe was a welder.
JoeyWhat? Were you like in the movie, or... Anyway, she takes off her bra under the shirt and pulls it out the sleeve. Very sexy, and classy.
MonicaOr, if you wanna kiss him, umm, you could use mistletoe.
RachelIt's not Christmas!
MonicaOr Spin the Bottle?
RachelAnd he's not 11!
Emily(with her coat on, she's leaving with Ross) Thank you so much for this. It was really so thoughtful of all of you.
RachelWhat? You're leaving?!
RossYes, we have something we have to get to.
JoshuaUhh, yeah, I think I'm gonna take off too.
RachelNo! You guys, you can't leave yet! You have to stay, we-we got the whole big thing planned!
RossWhat big thing? [Cut to later, the whole group is seated on the floor and Rachel is explaining the rules of Spin the Bottle.]
Rachel(Spinning the bottle) So, Spin the Bottle works like this: I spin the bottle, lands on Gunther, so I would have to kiss Gunther. (She crawls over to where Gunther is sitting and sees the look of anticipation on Gunther's face and decides not to kiss him.) All right. Who wants to go first?
EmilyI'll go.
AllHey! Emily!
(Emily spins the bottle and it lands on Joey.)
JoeyWelcome to America. (They both kiss.)
(Joey spins the bottle and it lands on Emily.)
MonicaGosh, two in a row! You gotta use your tongues now! (They kiss again.)
RachelYay! Emily!
(Emily spins the bottle and once again, it lands on Joey.)
ChandlerWhat are the odds? What are the odds?
(They both move to kiss again.)
Ross(Stopping them) Ok, that-that's enough! You know, let, let's, let's someone else play.
JoeyIf you didn't wanna play, then why did you come to the party?
ChandlerAll right. I'll go. I'll go. (Spins the bottle) Somebody loose. Somebody loose. (The bottle ends up pointing to him) Story of my life. (Spins it again and lands on Joshua.) Story of my father's life.
RachelOk, my turn!!
(Rachel spins the bottle and it lands on....wait for it....Joshua. (You thought I was going to say Ross, didn't you?) Rachel squeals in delight and starts a slow sexy crawl over to Joshua, making sure he and everyone else watching gets a good look at her cleavage.)
PhoebeOh my God!! The baby just kicked!
AllOhh!
RachelIt's ok! It's ok! It kicked once, it'll kick again!
AllOh my God!
(They all stand up and go over to Phoebe to feel the baby, preventing Rachel from kissing Joshua.)
RachelAll right, well, every-everybody just remember where they were sitting.
(She crawls over to Joshua and kisses the back of his knee. He feels it and looks down, Rachel pretends she's knocking a bug off his leg.)
RachelA bug.
[Cut to later. The Spin the Bottle game is over and Chandler is making a sandwich as Phoebe watches.]
PhoebeYou know it doesn't matter how much I'm craving it. You know why I'm never gonna eat meat? 'Cause it's murder, it's cold-blooded murder.
ChandlerOk.
(He takes a bite out of the sandwich and as he does so, Phoebe attacks the other end and starts devouring the sandwich.)
ChandlerThere's a Phoebe on my sandwich! (He walks away, giving the sandwich to Phoebe.)
JoeyPhoebe, what-what're you doing?!
PhoebeI can't help it. I need the meat. The baby needs the meat.
JoeyAll right, look, You know how-you know how when you're dating someone and you don't want to cheat on them, unless it's with someone really hot?
PhoebeYeah, totally!
JoeyAll right. Ok. Well this is the same kind of deal. If you're gonna do something wrong, (He grabs two steaks from the freezer) do it right!
[Cut to the living room Ross, Chandler, and Emily are all laughing.]
EmilyI'll be back in a minute. (Walks off.)
ChandlerO-ok. (Laughing still) She...
Ross(Interrupts and the laughter stops) What're you doing to me?! I mean, I'm trying to get Emily out of here and you keep talking to her being all interesting and making her laugh! From now on, I don't want you to be funny anymore.
ChandlerHuh, You know what? Rachel wants me to be funny, you don't want me to be funny. From now on, I'm gonna be funny sometimes, and not funny others! (Chandler walks off while Ross seems confused.)
[Cut to later, Phoebe is finishing off her steak.]
JoeyYou feel better now?
PhoebeYeah, but at what cost? Six more months, three meals a day, I'm gonna eat like, You know millions of cows. (in a sarcastic tone) Mommy cows, daddy cows, baby cows..(in a serious tone) No. No, I will never eat baby cows! No veal!!! (Thinks about it) (in a calm voice) Ooh, but veal.
JoeyHey, what if I said, I could even things out for ya, meat-wise.
PhoebeWhat?
JoeyWell, I eat a lot of meat, right?
PhoebeYeah.
JoeyWell, suppose, until the baby's born I laid off it. No extra animals would die, you-you'd just be eating my animals.
PhoebeJoey, I can't believe you would do that for me.
JoeyAbsolutely! I could be a vegetarian. There's no meat in beer, right?
[Cut to Ross and Emily standing by the foosball table.]
RossOk, we can still make dinner if we skipped the appetizers and asked for our check right away.
(Rachel enters, she has changed once again. This time into her high school cheerleading uniform.)
EmilyBut, we can't go now. It looks like Rachel's gonna put on a skit.
MonicaOh my God! Have you lost your mind?
RachelNo-no-no-no-no! I am finally thinking clearly. My lucky dress wasn't working out too well for me, but for four years, this baby never missed.
MonicaRachel-Rachel-Rachel I-I cannot, I can't let - (Pause), actually I kinda wanna see what happens.
JoshuaHey!
RachelHi!
JoshuaNice uh, costume.
RachelOhh, yeah, well I wanted to give Emily a big American goodbye cheer. So ok! (Runs into the living room) Ready! Ok! Gimme an 'E!'
AllE!
RachelGimme an 'M!'
AllM!
RachelGimme an 'I!'
AllI!
RachelGimme an 'L!'
AllL!
RachelGimme a 'Y!'
AllY!
RachelWhat do you get? (She throws her pom-poms to Joey and Phoebe and performs a cartwheel.) Emily!! (Tries to do another one.) Emil - Whoa!! (She falls in Chandler's room.) Ok! So that's me as a cheerleader! Ta-dum! (Gunther's the only one that claps.)
(Joey and Monica rush over to her.)
Joey and MonicaYou all right?
RachelFine! I'm fine! I'm just losing a tooth, it's no big deal. I have a dentist! You know. I'm gonna go put some ice on it. Excuse me. (She goes over to the ice and Joey and Monica follow her.) Ok, what do I do now? What do I do now?
MonicaI think you're done.
JoeyOk, time to take off the bra. (She glares at him.)
JoshuaUhh, that was really uh great, but I-I gotta take off, actually.
Joey(Trying not to be obvious) Take the bra off.
RachelAll right, come on, let's go get your coat.
JoshuaOk.
(They both go to Chandler's bedroom to get his coat.)
[Cut to Gunther and Emily.]
GuntherRachel is my girlfriend.
[Cut to Chandler's bedroom.]
JoshuaSo, this was uh, really fun.
RachelOh, yeah! Real fun. (She makes a decision.) You know, this bra... Really, bothering me. (She starts taking off her bra.) Uh, you know, this used to be my bedroom. Yeah. A lot of memories in here, lot of memories. If these walls could talk, You know what they'd say? Wanna hear some memories? (She is now violently pulling on her bra in order to remove it, but it isn't co-operating.)
JoshuaNeed uh, need a little hand there?
RachelOh no-no-no! No, I got this all under control.
JoshuaYou really don't seem like you do. That's...
(She is still yanking on the bra, but it is stuck in her sleeve. Finally, she gives up.)
RachelUghhhh!! Forget it! (Sits down heavily on the bed.) This is, this is not how this is supposed to happen.
JoshuaWell, what was supposed to happen?
RachelCan you not look at me when I say this? (He turns around) I thought, that if I could get you here, I could seduce you.
JoshuaUh, excuse me?
Rachel(Murmuring) Seduce you. (Joshua looks at her) Seduce you.
JoshuaHuh.Oh, uh! (Sits down next to her.) Uhh, I-I don't wear, suits to work, and I bought six of them from you.
RachelWell, I'm sorry, I thought you needed 'em!
JoshuaNo, no-no, no-no, my point is that I kept coming back because, I wanted to see you.
RachelWhy?!
JoshuaBecause I-I like you.
RachelYou like me?
JoshuaYeah! I mean you're-you're beautiful and smart and sophisticated- a lot of this isn't you know, based on tonight.
RachelYeah but-but-but you liked me! Oh my God, I can't believe this, all this time, I liked you and you liked me!
JoshuaBut...
RachelOh no-no-no but! No-no, but's never good! Let's just leave it at, I like you and you like me.
JoshuaOk uh, however...
RachelOh, now see that's a fancy but.
JoshuaMy marriage like just ended, and I'm really not ready to get into anything yet.
RachelBut....
JoshuaI'm sorry, I, I just need a little time.
RachelOk. The hallway, Ross is sitting on the step drinking a beer as Rachel comes out of the guys apartment. RachelOhh, there you are. I was looking for you before. Joshua's gone so you and Emily are free to go.
RossIt's ok. She's still in there enjoying her fake party and uh, it's too late to do any of the stuff I had planned, so...
RachelOh, Ross, I'm sorry. I completely ruined your evening.
RossYeah.
RachelWell, if it makes you feel any better, I made a fool of myself.
RossHelps a little.
RachelIs there room on that step for a pathetic loser?
RossYeah, have a seat.
RachelI'm so sorry.
RossThat's ok, I mean it was just a, two-week thing anyway, I just didn't want it to end this way, you know?
RachelWell, maybe you didn't want it to end?
RossWhat do you mean?
RachelYou seem to really like her.
RossYeah, I really do. Yeah, but what am I gonna do, I mean we-we both agreed that it was gonna be a two-week, thing, you know no commitment.
RachelRoss, that girl just spent the entire evening talking to your friends, asking to hear stories about you, looking through Monica's photo albums, I mean you don't do that if you're just in it for two weeks.
RossYou think?
RachelYeah, you've got like 14 hours until she has to be at the airport, and you're sitting here in the hallway with a 28-year-old cheerleader with a fat lip.
RossHey, you're right.
RachelYeah.
RossThanks. (He starts to go inside and stops.) What photo album was it?
RachelI don't know, it was you and a bunch of albino kids.
RossOh my God! Those weren't albino kids, that was computer camp! Rach! (He hurries inside and Chandler is taking out the garbage.)
RachelHey.
ChandlerHey.
RachelYou're a pathetic loser, right?
ChandlerOh-ho, yeah!
RachelSit!
(He does so, and immediately starts looking pathetic.)
JoshuaHi. (He has just returned.)
RachelMy gosh, Joshua!
JoshuaLook, all those things I said about, not being ready...
RachelThey're not true?
JoshuaNo, they're-they're all true.
RachelOh.
JoshuaBut...
RachelOh! Oh, I love that but.
(They move to kiss, but realize that Chandler is staring at them. Chandler urges them on.)
RachelUm, do you wanna go inside and get some coffee?
JoshuaYeah.
RachelOk. (Joshua goes inside and to Chandler.) Every time. Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, the next day. Phoebe is busy making a sandwich. JoeyOooh, what you got there?
PhoebePastrami.
JoeyOh-ho-ho, yeah! Hey! You know what goes good with that?
PhoebeHm-mm, corned beef.
JoeyOoh, I was gonna say bologna, but that's much better. Hey how about a little of that smoked turkey?
PhoebeOk.
Joey(He starts looking longingly at the sandwich.) Oh mama! Uh when-when is the baby due?
PhoebeSix months.
JoeyUgh. Hey! Now if a cow should die of natural causes, I can have one of those right?
PhoebeNot if I get there first.

Teleplay by Shana Goldberg-Meehan & Scott Silveri; Story by Alicia Sky Varinaitis; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp