Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom. Mr. TreegerOhhh, man!!
Joey(Coming in from his bedroom) What is that?
ChandlerTreeger's snaking the shower drain.
Mr. TreegerWhat in the name of hell?
JoeyHey, maybe he found you flip-flop.
(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)
JoeyWhoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must've hit something on the remote.
ChandlerDo we pay for this?
JoeyNo, we didn't even pay our cable bill, maybe this is how they punish us.
ChandlerMaybe we shouldn't pay our phone bill, free phone sex.
JoeyMaybe we shouldn't pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he just said.)
Mr. Treeger(Coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady's all kinds of naked.
ChandlerYeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!
Mr. TreegerEh, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.
ChandlerLike finding money with naked people on it!
Mr. TreegerThen I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I'm sad. (Exits.)
Joey(to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.) Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table. RachelAll right, You know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)
Joey and Chandler(Stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!
ChandlerWe don't know what could make this go away.
JoeyYeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!
ChandlerAnd no one touches the air around the TV!
JoeyImagine a protective porn bubble if you will, ok?
MonicaI'm at least, going to mute it.
Joey and ChandlerOh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)
ChandlerWe still have porn.
Phoebe(Entering, carrying her massage table) Hey.
RachelHoney, what're you doing? That's too heavy.
RachelGive me here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica right away.)
PhoebeOhh, I'm getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. You know, I have to find a job where I carry a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)
ChandlerOr a job where you don't have to carry a table.
PhoebeYou mean like a doctor?
JoeyPheebs! You're blocking the porn! Look out!
PhoebeOhh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds I have to see my ob/gyn today. Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering. RossHi.
RossSo uh, Emily just went to the airport.
MonicaOh. Why didn't you take her?
RossEh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. You know, we-we said our goodbyes this morning, so...
MonicaYou must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn!
Ross(Thinks about it.) Nah.
MonicaHey, cheer up! You're gonna see her again, right?
RossWell I, that's the thing, I don't know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let's just enjoy..."
Monica(Interrupting him) No-no-no, don't-don't do the accent. It-it really bums me out.
RossEmily said I was pretty good.
MonicaWell that's someone you should hang on to. You have to see her again.
RossAnd why do you care so much?
MonicaBecause! You could get to live out my fantasy!
RossYou had fantasies about Emily?
MonicaNo! You know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall madly in love, and spend the rest of your lives together.
RossIs that why in junior high you were the only one who hung out with that Ukrainian kid?
MonicaYeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!
MonicaDo you love her?
RossWe said it was only gonna be two weeks, You know?
MonicaYou love her!
RossWhat-what is love, really?
MonicaOhhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You're probably gonna catch her just as she's about to go to the gate. You're gonna call out her name and yell, "I love you!" She's gonna say, "I love you too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.
RossI am a good kisser.
MonicaThen you two can, can sneak into the cockpit... things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in... (Ross looks at her.) I've been watching too much porn. Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her ob/gyn doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with her. We hear the baby's heartbeat. RachelIs that the heartbeat?
The DoctorThat's it.
PhoebeOh my God!
RachelOh wow! This is so cool.
(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)
The DoctorHave we talked about the possibility of multiple births?
PhoebeWhy don't we just take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I'll hold on to your card, ok?
The DoctorNo, I'm getting three separate heartbeats.
PhoebeThree? You guys were worried I wouldn't even have one!
The DoctorAw! Doctors are wrong all the time.
RachelWell, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!
The DoctorDefinitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)
PhoebeOh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I'm gonna have three full grown babies just walking around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it's gonna be like one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!
The DoctorActually, giving birth to three babies is not that different from giving birth to one.
PhoebeWhat do you know?! Have you ever had triplets?
The DoctorNo. I'm sorry. I haven't.
Phoebe(to Rachel) Well I'm gonna use this a lot. (Rachel nods.) Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news. Alice(Entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!
PhoebeOoh! Hi!
AliceHi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe's stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?
PhoebeOh well, ok, hey, You know, how when you're umm, you're walking down the street and you see three people in-in a row, and you say, "Oh, that's nice?"
PhoebeOk, yeah, well, good news, you're gonna have three babies.
AliceThree babies?
FrankI finally got my band!
AliceWe're gonna have a big family, I've always wanted a big family!
PhoebeOh God, I'm so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were gonna be all freaked.
FrankWhy would we be freaked?
PhoebeNo, 'cause no, maybe it's harder to raise them, and the added expense, and oh!
Frank(They're less than happy now) Oh.
PhoebeNo, back to happy. Back to happy!
AliceNo-no-no, no, it's gonna be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. You know it'll-it'll be like my very own little sweatshop.
FrankYeah, I've been thinking ever since you said we're gonna having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.
AliceNo, Frank.
PhoebeNo, you can't quit college! No! You're in college? Really?
FrankYeah, refrigerator college.
FrankYeah, You know when we found out we were gonna have a baby, You know I figured you know like I should have like a career, you know? and I love refrigerators!
PhoebeYou can't give up on your dream.
FrankNo, it's ok. We're-we're gonna have three kids! And that's-that's a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money. The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London. Ticket Agent(On the PA) This is the boarding call for Flight 009...
RossEmily! (Runs up.)
EmilyOh my God! What're you doing here? (They hug)
RossI just, I had to see you one more time before you took off.
EmilyYou are so sweet. (They kiss.)
RossThat's, that's, that's a big candy bar. (She's holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.
EmilyMe too.
Ticket AgentThis is the final boarding call for Flight 009.
EmilyWell, that's me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) I'm only allowed one piece of carry-on anyway. (She starts towards the jetway.)
Ross(Stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I've been thinking, I'm just gonna come out and say it. Ok? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you.
EmilyOh. (She's shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)
RossIt's no problem. Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song. RachelWhat's that song? It has been in my head all day long.
ChandlerIt's the theme from Good Will Humping.
RachelYou know who doesn't even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.
JoeyYeah right.
RachelNo, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.
ChandlerOh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, he thought some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it funny, not sexy?
JoeyYeah, he likes porn.
(Rachel starts to leave.)
MonicaWhere're you going?
RachelWe're gonna find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!
MonicaHow did it go with Frank and Alice?
PhoebeWell, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I wanna talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, 'cause you work for a big company. Ok, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.
ChandlerWell actually they don't, really talk to us about that kind of stuff. I can get you some free White-Out though.
(Ross enters.)
MonicaOhh! Did you do what I said? Did-did-did you tell her?
RossI did.
MonicaAnd what did she say?
RossThank you.
MonicaOh, you're totally welcome! What'd she say?
RossShe said, "Thank you." I said, "I love you." And she said, "Thank you."
MonicaThat's not right.
ChandlerWhoa-whoa-wait, did you say you love her?
JoeyYeah, what were you trying to get her to do?!
RossWhat do I do now?
JoeyYou play hard to get.
RossShe already lives in London.
JoeySo you go to Tokyo.
ChandlerAll right look, forget it, ok? Forget it. You told her you love her, it's over.
MonicaUh, it is not over! You're over!
MonicaYou know!
ChandlerOk. (Pause) Good one.
MonicaIt is not over because she is going to call you and tell you she loves you. And the reason why she couldn't, is because her feelings were so strong, that scared her. Now you go home you wait for her call, she could be calling you from the plane! Come on now go! Go! (Tries to push Ross out the door.)
RossOk! Ok! But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over! No, wait. Wait. Unless, eventually, I call her, You know just to see what's going on, and, and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over.
(Joey holds his fist up, and Chandler gives him two thumbs up.)
JoeyWay to be strong, man!
(Ross leaves, and after the door closes, Joey gives him the loser sign.) Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Joey enter having just woken up. RachelHi!
ChandlerHi! Listen, can we watch cartoons on your television? We need a porn break. We spent the last two hours watching in & out & in again.
RachelWell, so, why don't you just turn it off?
ChandlerBecause then we would be the guys who turned off free porn.
RachelYeah, but that's not like what you'd go by.
JoeyRach, look. I wanna have a kid someday. Ok? And someday that kid is gonna ask me if I ever turned off free porn. I don't wanna have to tell him that I did.
MonicaDid you ever ask your dad that?
JoeyI don't wanna talk about it.
Phoebe(Entering carrying a case) Ooh, good, you're here! Ok.
RachelWell, what-what'cha got there?
PhoebeOh this? Well I'm glad you asked. (She opens the case and removes a knife and an soda can.) Now, don't you hate it when you have to cut a tin can with an ordinary steak knife? (She efficiently cuts it in half.) Ahh! Now, I know what you're thinking...
ChandlerPregnant Woman Slays Four?
MonicaPhoebe, they didn't make you pay for those knives, did they?
MonicaAre you sure?
RachelHoney, you're not gonna make enough money to help Frank and Alice just by selling knives.
PhoebeNo-no, I know that, but I um just need to make enough money for the second part of my plan.
ChandlerWhat's the second part of your plan?
PhoebeMy Saturn dealership. Ross's bedroom, he has fallen asleep waiting for Emily to call. He is awaken by the phone. Ross(Answers the phone.) Hello?
RossEmily, hi! Uh, how-how was you flight?
EmilyIt was dreadful. I felt terrible about how I acted when you said those wonderful things.
RossNo, no, that-that, that's all right. Umm, I'm just glad you called.
EmilyRoss umm, there's something that I've-I've got to tell you, there's-there's someone else.
RossDoes that mean the same thing in England as it does in America? Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Ross is relating his recent conversation with Emily to the gang. RossShe doesn't know which one of us she wants, me or this Colin guy. So I told her when she figures it out, give me a call. Maybe I'll still be around.
ChandlerOk just so I know, when you say "still around", you mean still around like you might be in a relationship or still around like you might've died waiting for the phone to ring?
MonicaOh, but it was so right. This isn't how it's supposed to go, I mean there can't be another guy.
MonicaOf course there's another guy!! This is even more perfect! Now you have to prove your love!
RossI'm not proving anything. Ok? I'm done listening to you. If I hadn't let you talk me into going to the airport in the first place, I never would've put my fist through the wall!
ChandlerYou put your fist through the wall?
RossNo, I missed and hit the door. But, it opened really hard!
MonicaYou have to go to London!
MonicaYeah, you have to go fight for her!
JoeyOh yeah, sure, that makes sense. Yeah. 'Cause you already told her you love her and she didn't say it back, then she called you and told you that there's another guy, so yeah, go to London that'll scare her!
MonicaWhen Rachel was with Paulo, what did you do?
RossI made fun of his accent.
MonicaYou sat back and let him have her, you didn't fight at all. Am I right?
RossI just told you, I made fun of him behind his back. (Thinks about it) Oh I see.
MonicaYou want the same thing to happen with Emily?
MonicaAll right then, go fight for her! (Sees the porn on the T.V. ) Woah!
JoeyMan, it's like a snake pit.
MonicaI mean, that could be you and Emily! (Points to the TV.) That, but-but nicer. Just, go to London!
MonicaCome on! Surprise her! Show up at her doorstep! Don't let her go without a fight!
RossAll right. All right, I'm gonna do it!
MonicaAll right.
RossI'm gonna, I'm gonna go to London and I'm going to fight for her.
MonicaOk, good luck!
(Ross starts to leave.)
JoeyRoss! Ross! If you're going to the airport, can you pick me up another one of those Toblerone bars? Chandler and Joey's, erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Joey, and Chandler are sitting and talking as Phoebe and Rachel enter. RachelHey!
PhoebeOoh-Ooh! I did it! I did it! I figured out a way to make money! I'm gonna open up my own massage place and Frank's gonna help me! And! We can work it around his schedule so he doesn't have to quit school!
MonicaThat's sounds great, but how are you gonna to afford it?
RachelWell, we were walking down the street and we saw that van that you guys used for catering and we realized...
PhoebeI'm telling it! I'm telling it!
PhoebeOk. You know how people need transportation, but they also need massages to relax. So I just figured we could combine the two, ok, I give the massages and Frank drives! I can fix up the van, bolt the table in the back, and you know what I've got?
ChandlerA place that no one will ever get out alive?
PhoebeNo! Think about it, it's a taxi that people take when they need to relax, it's...
Rachel(Interrupting) It's a relaxi-Taxi!
PhoebeThe name was my favorite part!
RachelWell, well I came up with it!
PhoebeYOU DID NOT!!!! Oh! No! You came up with Relaxi Cab! That's not good.
RachelWell, I...
(The phone rings and Monica answers it.)
Ross(on phone) Hey.
MonicaOh my God! Ross, are you in England? Was-was Emily surprised?
[Cut to Ross in one of those British phone booths.]
RossNo, 'cause she hasn't come home yet. And she hasn't been home all night! She's obviously staying with that other guy, and I'm the stupid moron who spent the whole night outside her place! (Hits a window of the telephone booth)
MonicaWhat was that?
RossI just, I just put my fist through another wall. Tell the guys.
MonicaAll right. When is, when is the next flight out?
RossAbout four hours.
MonicaOk, just stay there a couple more hours and if she doesn't show up by then, then just come on home. Oh 'cause I just remembered, there's a girl at the restaurant that would be perfect for you.
PhoebeTell him about Relaxi-Taxi, and-and ask him if he thinks that's better than Relaxi Cab.
RachelIt's not Relaxi Cab. It's Relaxicab, like taxicab.
PhoebeOh, that is better. Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same night. Joey and Chandler are playing a card game. Monica is just coming out of the restroom. ChandlerDo you have any eights?
JoeyNo. (Monica looks at Joey's cards and pulls out an eight and hands it to Chandler.) (Joey stares at Monica.)
(There is a knock on the door and Chandler answers it to reveal Emily standing behind it.)
ChandlerAre we in London?
MonicaWhat're you doing here? You can't be here!
EmilyI've uh, I've come to talk to Ross.
(She sets her bag down on the foosball table and Joey sees the Toblerone bar sticking out of it and gazes longingly at it.)
Joey(Pause) Nothing. No, nothing.
EmilyI was gonna call him, but...
MonicaOh, you came to tell him you love him! I knew it! (Points at Chandler) I was right! (Points to Emily) I'm right, right?
EmilyI'd really rather talk to him.
EmilyI uh, I've been to his apartment and he's not there, and uh I need to talk to him, so, do you have any idea where he is?
[Cut to London, we sit Ross sitting outside Emily's apartment. We hear Emily's phone ring with amazing clarity. Apparently, sound travels quite easily through the walls of British buildings. Anyhow, Ross looks around for the ringing phone and in the meantime Emily's answering machine picks up and once again with amazing clarity we hear Emily say...]
EmilyRoss, are you there? Ross, I don't know if you can hear this but... (Ross has moved to the window, apparently so that he can hear better.) I'm gonna talk anyway, uh, I'm in the States with you sister and your friends and it's all over with Colin. I came here to tell you that, and to tell you- What, yes, Joey you can have all the chocolate you want, just take it! Uh, I came here to tell you, that I love you.
Ross(Yelling, thinking Emily can hear him through the answering machine all the way to New York.) I love you too! I'm, I'm gonna call you right now from the phone booth! (Realizes) You can't hear me. (Goes to make his call.)
EmilyI wish I could know if you'd heard any of that. I suppose I've either just told you that I love you or given my neighbors a good laugh. Mrs. Newman, if you're listening, bugger off, this is none of your business. I suppose there's not much chance you did hear that, and there's the call waiting so, I should go. Oh well. (Answers the call waiting.) Hello.
EmilyRoss, I love you!
RossOhh! Thank you. Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey is still watching the porn as Chandler enters. ChandlerHey.
ChandlerI was just at the bank, and there was this really hot teller, and she didn't ask me to go do it with her in the vault.
JoeySame kind of thing happened to me! Woman pizza delivery guy comes over, gives me the pizza, takes the money, and leaves!
ChandlerWhat, no, "Nice apartment, I bet the bedrooms are huge?"
JoeyNoo! Nothing!
ChandlerYou know what, we have to turn off the porn.
JoeyI think you're right.
(Goes over and picks up the remote.)
ChandlerAll right, ready?
(Chandler turns off the porn and sets the remote down.)
JoeyThat's kinda nice.
ChandlerYeah, that's kind of a relief.
ChandlerYou wanna see if we still have it?
(Chandler turns on the TV and...)
ChandlerFREE PORN!!!
ChandlerWe have free porn here!!! Beth Israel Medical Center. Phoebe is getting another sonogram, but this time she is with Frank Jr. and Alice. The Doctor(Pointing to the sonogram) There's one, two, and three.
AliceOh my God!
Frank Jr.Oh that's so beautiful. Oh, man.
AliceI can't believe it.
PhoebeYeah, I know.
Frank Jr.I like the middle one the best. (They all stare at him.) Don't worry, I won't let the other two know.

Story by Mark J. Kunerth; Teleplay by Richard Goodman; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp