Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are there as Phoebe enters carrying a drum. PhoebeHey!
ChandlerHey! Wow, it is true what they say, pregnant bellies look like a drum.
Phoebe(Not amused) Ha-ha. (She sits down on the couch.) No, it's just I'm so pregnant that I- my guitar doesn't fit anymore. So I thought til I'm not, I'm just gonna play all my songs on this drum. It sounds really cool!
ChandlerAll right.
PhoebeListen. Listen. Ok. (She starts to play and sing.) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?
JoeyWow, Pheebs! That sounds great!
PhoebeI know! I know, and I've only been playing for like an hour!
Alice(Entering) Phoebe! Phoebe! Hi! Hi!
PhoebeHey! What're you doing here?
AliceUmm, actually, I came down to ask you a big favor.
PhoebeOh, well, don't tell me you wanna keep more of your stuff in my uterus.
Alice(Laughs) No. No. No. (Sits down.) Ok, now, see, I wanna name the girl baby Leslie, and uh Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank Jr. Jr.
ChandlerWouldn't that be Frank the III?
AliceDon't get me started. (To Phoebe) Anyway, umm, since there are three babies and umm, we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby.
PhoebeWow! That's so nice! Oh! Oh! Cougar.
AliceYou think about it. (Leaves) Ross's apartment, he and Emily are getting ready to go to the airport. EmilyI left a bra drying on the shower rod, you don't think your son will think it's yours and be horribly traumatized?
RossHey, mommy can have a wife, daddy can have a bra.
Emily(Checks the clock) Ohh, it's time to go.
RossOh, no-no-no, see, that-that clock's a little fast, uh, we, we still have 17 minutes. Huh, what can we do in 17 minutes? Twice?
EmilyWell that's ambitious.
(They kiss but are interrupted by a knock on the door.)
RossOk, uh, you can ignore that.
EmilyThat's Carol with your son!
RossUhh, believe me when he's older, he'll understand.
Carol(Knocking on the door) Ross!
RossI'll be right there. (He goes over and opens the door to Carol, Susan, and Ben.) (To Ben.) Hello! (To Carol.) Hello! (To Susan.) Hey. Uhh, Emily, this is Carol and Susan.
SusanHey, it's so nice to finally meet you!
EmilyMe too!
CarolOhh, you know, Susan's gonna be shooting a commercial in London next week.
SusanOh yeah, I'm so excited, I've never been there.
EmilyOh, well, I'll show you around.
SusanOh that'd be great! Also, uh, I was hoping to catch a show so if you can make any suggestions...
EmilyOh, there's tons of terrific stuff- I'll go with you!
SusanAhh!
(Ross accidentally / on purpose, bumps into Susan.)
Ross(to Susan) Oh, I'm sorry. (to Susan and Emily) Uh, look at you two, bonding, making us late for the airport so...
EmilyAre you all right?
SusanOh, he's fine. He's fine. It's just that us getting along is difficult for him, because he doesn't like me.
RossWhat? Oh come on! That's-that's... true. Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are playing foosball and lose. ChandlerHow did we....lose?
Phoebe(Enters) Hey!
JoeyHey!
ChandlerHey! Do we have a baby name yet?
PhoebeUgh! No! This is so hard! I went through this whole book (Holds up a book) and found nothing! I want a name that's really, like, you know, strong and confident, you know? Like-like Exxon.
ChandlerWell, it certainly worked for that Valdez kid.
JoeyOoh-ooh, Pheebs, you want a strong name? How about, The Hulk?
PhoebeNo, I'm-I'm not sure about Hulk, but I like the idea of a name starting with "The."
JoeyOh, you want a good name, go with Joey. Joey's your pal. Joey's your buddy. "Where is everybody?" "Well, they're hanging out with Joey."
ChandlerHey, you know what, if you're gonna do that, if you're gonna name him Joey, you should name him Chandler. (Phoebe doesn't think so.) Oh, come on! Chandler's funny, he's sophisticated, and he's very loveable, once you get to know him.
JoeyOh well, hey, Joey's loveable too! But the thing about Joey is, if you need him, he'll be there.
ChandlerWell, Chandler will be there for you too. I mean, he might be a little late, but-but, he'll be there. And he'll bring you some cold soda, if what you need him for is that you're really hot
JoeyHey, What do ya say? What do ya say?
PhoebeWell, I, I like the idea of naming him after someone I love, and Joey and Chandler are great names. (They both stare at her.) But, all right, I don't- maybe I will just name him The Hulk.
JoeyI knew I shouldn't 've mentioned it! That's what I wanted to name my kid! Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Monica is cooking and Rachel is getting ready for a date with Joshua. RachelHey, Mon, if you were hoping to sleep with Joshua for the first time tonight, which one of these would you wanna be wearing. (She's holding two frilly, lace nighties.)
MonicaYou know what? It really creeps me out choosing other people's sex clothes.
RachelSorry. I'm just so exited! I've been waiting for this for a month! I got my hair colored! I got new sheets! I'm making him a very fancy meal.
MonicaUm-hmm.
RachelWhat am I making him by the way?
MonicaWell, you're making him a Frisée salad with goat cheese and pine nuts, wild rice, roast asparagus, and salmon en croûte.
RachelWell I thought I was making him filet mignon?
MonicaYeah, you were, but then you decided to make salmon because you had some left over at the restaurant. And then you realized if you (Points at Rachel) bitched about it, then you (Points to herself) would stop cooking, and you (Points at Rachel) would have to make your famous baked potato and Diet Coke.
RachelWow, I really get crabby when I cook.
MonicaI don't know why you're going through all this trouble anyway? He's a guy. You could actually serve the potato and he'd still wanna have sex with you.
RachelYeah, well, that is not how I operate. Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's. Joey and Chandler are playing foosball on the same team. Meanwhile Phoebe is reading and turns one of the handles on the other side of the foosball table and makes a goal . ChandlerWe gotta get a new game.
Ross(Enters) Hey!
JoeyHey!
ChandlerHey!
RossSo uh, Emily called last night...
ChandlerAnd now you're giving me the message?
RossTurns out that Emily is just crazy about Susan. Yeah, they're going to the theatre together! They're going to dinner! They're going horseback riding!
PhoebeGod, Susan is so fun!
RossLook, this is just a little too familiar, ok? For, for like, for like six months before Carol and I spilt up, all I heard was: "My friend Susan is, is so smart. My friend Susan is so funny. My friend Susan is so great."
ChandlerYou actually think that something could happen between Emily and Susan?
RossHey, they're going to the gym together! Two women! Stretching! you know they-they take a steam together! Things get a little playful- didn't you see Personal Best?
JoeyNo, but I'm gonna!
ChandlerHi! Hi! You're crazy! Ok? This is Emily. Emily is straight.
RossHow do you know? I mean we thought Carol was straight before I married her!
PhoebeYeah, I'm definitely I don't like the name Ross.
RossWhat a weird way to kick me when I am down.
PhoebeNo! No! I just-I meant for the baby!
RossOh. What's wrong with Ross?
PhoebeWell, it's just you know that something like this would never happen to like The Hulk, you know...
RossActually that-that's not true, in The Incredible Hulk uh, No. 72, Dr. Bruce Banner found... (Sees everyone staring at him and stops.) you know, ugh, never mind, my girlfriend's a lesbian. (Leaves.)
PhoebeSo, I decided I'm definitely gonna go with either Joey or Chandler.
JoeyOh! Oh, oh, what, you gotta pick Joey! I mean, name one famous person named Chandler.
ChandlerRaymond Chandler.
JoeySomeone you didn't make up!
ChandlerOk, there are no, famous Joeys. Except for, huh, Wiki]">Joey Buttafucco.
JoeyYeah, that guy really hurt us.
PhoebeWell, how about a compromise then, ok? What if it's, you know, Chanoey?
ChandlerOk, look, Joey! Come on, think about it, first of all, he'll never be President. I mean there's never gonna be a President Joey.
JoeyAll right look man, I didn't wanna bring this up, but Chandler, is the stupidest name I ever heard in my life! It's not even a name; it's barely even a word. Ok? It's kinda like chandelier, but it's not! And then you put it together with Bing and forget about it! It's a stupid, stupid non-name!
ChandlerWow, you're, you're right. I have a horrible, horrible name.
JoeyI'm sorry man, I didn't- I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (Goes over and comforts him.)
ChandlerOk.
JoeySo I guess it's Joey then! I mean- Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is on her dinner date with Joshua. JoshuaThis is so nice. Thank you for doing this.
RachelOhh, please! Cooking soothes me. (They kiss.) Ahh. So, dig in!
JoshuaGreat! Oh, it all looks sooo good!
Rachel(Taking a bite) Hmmm!
JoshuaOh my God!
RachelOh I know, my God, this is so- this rice is so - I am so good.
JoshuaBehind you?
Rachel(Sees the chick and the duck) Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. They used to live here; sometimes they migrate back over.
Joshua(Getting up and backing away from they.) Is there ah, is there some way that they could uh, not be here. It's just ah, farm birds really kinda freak me out!
RachelYeah, sure, ok. Ok.
(Rachel gets up and ushers them into the hall, as they pass Joshua, he leaps onto the counter to avoid them. Rachel drops them off in the hall, and knocks on Joey's door.)
Joey(Answering the door.) (To them) Hey, how did you do that?! Come on in. (He brings them inside.)
[Cut back to Rachel's date.]
RachelAll gone! So, farm birds, huh?
JoshuaYeah, it's-it's my only weird thing, I swear. And I-I-I would've told you about it, but I didn't know they would be here.
RachelOh.
JoshuaSo, all right.
(They both sit back down.)
RachelOk. So, can I serve you a little of - What? What's? What? (She sees that Joshua isn't relaxed.)
JoshuaNothing I uh, it's just that I know that they're still out there.
RachelThey're across the hall! I mean that's two doors away, it's gonna take them a long time to peck their way back over here.
JoshuaOk, that's-that's not funny. Uhh.
RachelOk, you know, would you feel better if we went someplace else? I mean we could pack all this stuff up and you know go to your apartment.
JoshuaOh, they're working on this week, it's a total mess. But uh, I'm staying at my parents' house, we could go there.
RachelYour parents'?
JoshuaYeah, they're out of town.
RachelOhh.
JoshuaIt's a huge place, and it's got this gorgeous view of the park, it'll be very, very romantic. What do you say?
RachelYeah that works.
(He moves to kiss her, but stops when he hears the duck.)
JoshuaYeah, they-they, they can smell the fear. Ross's apartment, Carol has come to pick up Ben. Ross(Opening the door.) Hey!
CarolHey! How's Ben?
RossWell, I asked him if he wanted to eat, he said, "No." I asked him if he wanted to sleep, he said, "No." I asked him what he wanted to do, he said, "No." So, he's sweeping. (We see Ben playing with a broom and a dustpan.)
CarolHey, Ben! Hey!
RossSo umm, any word from Susan?
CarolOoh, yeah! She said she's having sooo much fun with Emily.
RossUh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, by the by, did it uh, did it ever occur to you that, I don't know, maybe they might be having a little too much fun?
CarolWhat's too much fun?
RossYou know, the kind of fun, you and Susan had when we were married.
CarolOh my God, you are so paranoid!
RossAm I?!
CarolYes!
RossAm I?!
CarolI can't speak for Emily, but Susan is in a loving, committed relationship.
RossUh-huh, Carol, so were we. All right, just-just imagine for a moment, that Susan meets someone and-and they really hit it off. you know? Say-say they're coming back from the theatre, and they-they stop at a pub for a couple of drinks, they're laughing, you know, someone innocently touches someone else... There's electricity, it's new. It's exciting. Are you telling me there isn't even the slightest possibility of something happening?
CarolMaybe.
RossOH MY GOD!! I didn't really believe it until you just said it!! Joshua's parents' apartment, Rachel and Joshua are entering. Joshua...and even though none of the other kids believed me, I swear to God, that duck pushed me!
RachelWow! This place is fabulous!
JoshuaYeah, yeah, let me show you around. This is the uh, downstairs living room.
RachelWhoa-whoa, there's two living rooms? God, growing up here, this place must've been a real babe magnet.
JoshuaYeah, well, it would've been, but uh, my parents just moved here.
RachelOhh, oh, you should know, this place is a real babe magnet. Wanna make out?
(They kiss.)
JoshuaYou know, here's an idea. Why don't uh, I put the food in the fridge and we can eat it later?
RachelThat sounds like a plan. Umm, is there a place I could go freshen up?
JoshuaOh yeah, yeah uh, just down the hall, and uh, second door to your left.
RachelAh.
(She goes down the hall. Joshua goes to put the food away when his parents walk in.)
Mrs. BurginOh, hi, darling!
JoshuaMom, Dad, what're you guys doing here?
Mrs. BurginOh, well we cut the trip short.
Mr. BurginFrance sucks!
JoshuaUmm, this may be a little weird, but I-I-I've got a date here.
Mrs. BurginOh, say no more!
Mr. BurginWe'll just grab some food and take it with us right upstairs, and we'll be right out of your hair.
JoshuaOh, that-that would be great. So you didn't even get to Italy?
Mr. BurginYep, sucks!
(They all go into the kitchen. Just then, Rachel comes back from the bathroom; she had removed her dress and is wearing nothing but a lace nightie. She tries to find someplace seductive to wait for Joshua. She tries to sit on the piano, but it makes too much noise. So she goes over to the couch and kinda half lays down to wait for Joshua. Joshua comes in from the kitchen, sees Rachel, and freezes.)
RachelHi you!
JoshuaOh my God!
RachelI know, I can do more than cook.
(Just then, his parents enter. Rachel gasps.)
Mr. BurginI like her. She seems smart.
JoshuaUhh, Rachel, my parents...
RachelOhh! So nice to meet you. (She goes over and shakes their hands.) Hello.
Mr. BurginHi.
RachelHello.
Mrs. BurginHello. Well, Joshua, that $500 was for groceries.
RachelWhat? This-this, no, oh no, no-no-no, this is not - that's-that's not what it is. See, ok, I work in fashion, see and-and, this is a real dress actually. It is, they're-they're wearing it in Milan, so part of my job is to wear the clothes, and then I see how people respond, and then I report back to my superiors at Bloomingdale's, so... And obviously in uh, in-in this case, (She grabs a pen and paper) I am-am going to report back, "USA not ready."
Mrs. BurginMaybe in L.A?
RachelYes!
JoshuaThere you go.
Mr. BurginSo, have you kids eaten yet?
RachelWell, we were gonna do that after- I mean umm, next.
Mr. BurginWell, we're starving, why don't we just all go get something to eat?
RachelOh, yeah, well... Yeah, no use wasting this baby, just lying around the house.
Mr. BurginSo... We go eat.
RachelYeah.
Mr. BurginYou'll wear that. We'll be eating, and of course, you'll be wearing that. Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is looking for a new name in Phoebe's book of names. JoeyDude, I am sorry about what I said!
ChandlerNo, no, you're right, it is a ridiculous name!
JoeyIt's not that bad.
ChandlerYes it is! From now on, I have no first name.
JoeySo, you're just Bing?
ChandlerI have no name.
PhoebeAll right, so, what are we supposed to call you?
ChandlerOk uh, for now, temporarily, you can call me, Clint.
JoeyNo way are you cool enough to pull off Clint.
ChandlerOk, so what name am I cool enough to pull off?
PhoebeUmm, Gene.
ChandlerIt's Clint. It's Clint! (He heads for his bedroom.)
JoeySee you later, Gene.
PhoebeBye, Gene.
ChandlerIt's Clint! Clint!
JoeyWhat's up with Gene? Central Perk, Rachel is telling Phoebe and Monica of her date. MonicaYou wore your nightie to dinner?
RachelOh, yeah. And uh, the best part though, was when the uh, waiter spilled water down my back, I jumped up, and my boob popped out.
PhoebeOh my God!
MonicaOh, no!
RachelYeah, it's all right. I got nice boobs. (Phoebe and Monica nod there heads in agreement.)
Ross(Returning from the phone.) So, I just picked up a message from Emily, she and Susan are going to a poetry reading together!
RachelSo?
RossSo! Poetry? Susan's gay! They're being gay together!
MonicaEmily's straight.
RossOh, wake up!
PhoebeWow, Carol really messed you up!
RossExcuse me?
PhoebeYeah, she turned you into this-this-this untrusting, crazy, jealous, sycophant. (They all look at her.) All right, so I don't know what sycophant means, but the rest is right.
RossLook, I don't know what you're talking about, I am not a crazy, jealous person.
RachelHuh.
RossWhat?
RachelShe's totally right! When we were together, you got all freaked out about Mark and there was nothing going on.
MonicaThis totally makes sense!
RossIt does not!
MonicaOh, sure it does! In high school, you weren't jealous at all even though all your girlfriends were cheating on you!
PhoebeAll right, all right, so up until '92-93 he was very trusting, then '94 hit, Carol left him and bam! Paranoid city!
RachelAbsolutely! Absolutely!
MonicaThis is so much fun!
RossThis is not fun!
MonicaLook, all we're trying to say is, don't let what happened with Carol ruin what you got with Emily.
PhoebeThe '92 Ross wouldn't.
RossUm. I still think I was right about that whole Mark thing. Well, hmm.
RachelWhat- yeah- what, you know what? I hope Emily is a lesbian. Monica and Rachel's, erm, Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is showing off more of her drum skills to Joey by rubbing one of the sticks back and forth across the drum. PhoebeDrum roll.
Chandler(Entering) Ok. Ok. All right. Help! Am I a Mark, or a John?
JoeyNah, you're not tall enough to be a Mark, but you might make a good Barney.
ChandlerAll right look, I am serious, ok? Tomorrow at 3:30 I am going down to the courthouse.
PhoebeYou're actually going through with this?
ChandlerHey, look, this name 's been holding me back my entire life. Ok, it's probably why kids picked on me in school, and why I never do well with women... So, as of 4 o'clock tomorrow, I'm either gonna be Mark Johnson or John Markson.
PhoebeYou got problems because of you! Not your name! All right, this has got to stop! Chandler is a great name! In fact- yes, (To Joey) I'm, I'm sorry. I know you really wanted me to name the baby Joey, but eh, so, I'm-I'm, I'm gonna, I'm gonna name the baby Chandler.
Chandler(Pleased) Really?!
PhoebeYeah, but you have to keep the name too!
ChandlerOk. Thanks.
PhoebeOk!
ChandlerYou wanna hug it out?
PhoebeYeah!
(They both hug.)
PhoebeYay!
ChandlerYay!
PhoebeYay- oh- yay! Ok, I gotta go tell Frank and Alice! Right now!
ChandlerOk!
PhoebeOoh, uh... (She grabs her coat and runs out.)
ChandlerBye, Pheebs!
PhoebeOk, bye!
(She exits, and after the door is closed, Chandler turns to Joey and...)
ChandlerHa! Ha! Ha!
JoeyOhh! (Realizes it was all a trick to get Phoebe to name the baby Chandler.) the airport, Carol and Ross are waiting for Emily and Susan to deplane. A gorgeous woman walks by and they both turn to watch her go. RossOh, it's nice luggage.
CarolI was gonna say...
(Susan and Emily get off.)
SusanHey!
(They both run and hug their respective partners.)
RossHi!
EmilyHey! I missed you.
RossOh, I missed you too.
Susan(To Emily) Hey, thanks for everything, I had such a great time.
EmilyOh, so did I.
(They hug and give each other a little peck on the cheek.)
Ross(To Carol) It's no tongue. (And gives her the thumbs up.)

Teleplay by Jill Condon & Amy Toomin; Story by Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp