{haste - quickness of movement / hurry} Rachel's bedroom. Rachel is awoken by a man singing in the next apartment. The Singing Man(Singing, duh) Morning's here! Oh morning's here! Sunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here! The morning's here!
RachelHEY!! Do you have to do that? It's Saturday!
The Singing ManOh come on! Morning's here! (Starts singing) Morning's here! The morning is here! Sunshine is here!
(Rachel slams shut her window and storms into the living room, where Joey and Monica are eating breakfast.)
RachelI hate this apartment! I hate the color of these walls! I hate the fact that this place still smells like bird! I hate that singing guy!
JoeyAre you kidding? I love that guy! (Starts singing) Morning's here! Morning is here...
RachelStop it! I will kill you. I hate the fact that my room is so small.
MonicaHey, I have all the space I need. Just, do what I did.
RachelMonica, you don't even have a bed, you sleep in a ball on the floor!
MonicaYou know what? I am really tired of your bellyaching! Ok, I-I worked really hard at making this a nice place for us to live!
RachelI know. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. (They hug)
JoeySee, this is a great apartment.
MonicaShut up! This place is a hole! Ross's bedroom. Ross and Emily are making out. Ross has a new feature. EmilyOh, blimey, I still can't believe you've got an earring!
(Yep, it's a little gold loop.)
RossHuh? I know, I know. Who am I? David Bowe? (Shakes his head around, pretending like he's jamming.)
EmilyHe does that?!
RossUh, I don't know, whatever.
EmilyI think it makes you look really dangerous.
RossOh, I know. You know what, I never would've gotten this if it weren't for you. No really, when I'm with you I'm-I'm like this-this whole other guy, I love that guy! I mean, I love you too, a lot, uh, but-but that guy! I-I love that guy!
EmilyI love both of you!
(They kiss.)
EmilyOh God, I wish I didn't have to go.
RossThen don't. Stay here. Just don't go so soon to London, just one more day.
EmilyOhh, Ross, please-
RossOne more day, seriously.
EmilyDon't do this to me again. You know I'll stay in a minute, but I've already missed so much my work, they'll fire me.
RossSo? and then you can stay as long as you want.
EmilyI wish I could.
RossOh, no. Don't, don't, don't start packing. Come on! (She puts some clothes into her bag, and Ross throws them out.)
EmilyI don't think you understand packing. Look, I just don't want to leave it to the last minute. Last time I packed in such a rush, I left my knickers here.
RossYeah, I know, I uh, I tried them on.
EmilyYou didn't!
RossNo. No, I didn't. I didn't wanna be that guy. Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are watching one of those Kung Fu movies and imitating the moves. Phoebe(Entering, wearing Santa pants) Hello!
PhoebeExcuse me?
ChandlerYour pants!
PhoebeOh, yeah! You like 'em? I just, I went to a used clothes store and got like a bunch of maternity stuff. These are sooo comfortable!
JoeyUhh, Pheebs, those are uh, those are Santa pants.
ChandlerSanta pants. (Phoebe still doesn't get it.) Santa Claus's pants.
PhoebeNuh-uh! They're maternity pants. Look, they even came with a list of baby names. (Pulls out a sheet of paper which lists who's been naughty and who's been nice.) See, these names are good, and these are bad. (Finally, she figures it out.) Ohh.
Rachel(Entering) Hey!
Monica(Entering) Hey!
RachelSo...Hey, Pheebs! So, how are the elves
PhoebeI don't know! How are the-the-the-the, You know...Your clothes aren't funny.
MonicaHey, guys, what-what should I wear to a Knicks game?
ChandlerUhh, a T-shirt that says, "I don't belong here."
JoeyYou have Knicks tickets?
RachelYeah, my mom got my dad's season tickets in the divorce, so she just gave 'em to me.
MonicaYeah, apparently, they're, they're pretty good seats.
Joey(Examining the tickets) Oh my God! Those are almost right on the floor! I could slip Woody Allen my résumé.
RachelDo you guys want these?
ChandlerYeah we do!
RachelOhh, well you got 'em.
BothAll right!
RachelJust give us our apartment back!
PhoebeBoy! I didn't see that coming!
ChandlerAre you serious?
RachelOh, come on! We know what these are worth.
MonicaYeah, what, do you think we're stupid?
JoeyYou're not stupid. You're meaner than I thought.
MonicaWhat do you say?
ChandlerForget it! Ok, I'm not giving up my bachelor pad for some basketball seats!
RachelYour bachelor pad?!
MonicaHave you even had a girl up here?
ChandlerNo. But uh, Joey has, and I usually talk to them in the morning time.
JoeyYeah, you do! Central Perk, Joey is whining to Chandler about the tickets. JoeyCome on!
Chandler(Ignoring him) Yes, Gunther, can I get two cups of chino, please? (Chino may refer to many things. [Wiki])
GuntherGood one.
JoeyCome on, season tickets! Season tickets, you know what that means?
ChandlerForget it! Ok, I'm not giving up the apartment.
JoeyOh come...look, when I was a little kid my dad's company gave season tickets to the number one salesman every year, all right? My dad never won! 'Course, he wasn't in the sales division, but still, I never ever, ever forgot that!
Ross(Entering) Hey, guys! (They both notice his new little friend)
ChandlerOh my God!
JoeyWe don't make enough fun of you already? (Flips Ross' earring)
RossOh, yeah, Emily convinced me to do it.
ChandlerYou do know that, Wham! broke up?
RossI like it, and Emily likes it, and that's what counts. So uh, how are you guys doing?
JoeyOh-no-no, don't try and talk all normal with that thing in your ear.
ChandlerWhere is Emily?
RossUgh, she's saying goodbye to her uncle.
ChandlerMan, didn't she just like, just get here?
RossYeah! Yeah!
ChandlerEasy tiger.
RossI just, I hate this so much! I mean, every time I go pick her up at the airport, it's-it's so great. But at the same time I'm thinking, "Well, I'm gonna be right back there in a couple of days, dropping her off."
ChandlerSo what are you gonna do?
RossNothing! There's nothing to do! I mean, she lives there, I live here. I mean, she-she'd have to uh, move here. She should move here!
RossI could ask her to live with me!
ChandlerAre you serious?
RossWhy not?! I mean, I mean why not?!
ChandlerBecause you've only known her for six weeks! Ok, I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator I've had a longer relationship with!
RossLook guys, wh-when I'm with her it's-it's-it's like, uh, she brings out this-this-this great side of me. I mean I-I-I love her, You know?
ChandlerAnd I love the milk! But, I'm not gonna ask some British girl to move in with me! (Realizes that made no sense.) Joey, you say things now.
JoeyAll right look, Ross, he's right. Emily's great, she's great! But this way too soon, you're only gonna scare her!
RossI don't wanna do that.
JoeyNo! You don't wanna wreck it, you don't wanna go too fast!
RossYeah, no, you're right, I know, you're right, I'm, I'm not gonna do it. All right, thanks guys. (Gets up to leave.)
ChandlerOk, no problem, just remember to wake us up before you go-go. Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that same day. Joey and Chandler are eating pizza, and Phoebe is trying to knit something. PhoebeThat's too hard. Too hard!
Monica(Entering with Rachel) All right boys, last chance for the tickets!
RachelOtherwise I give them to my new boyfriend, Joshua.
ChandlerNo thank you.
JoeyWait-wait-wait-wait! (To Chandler) Come on! Come on, let's trade! The timing's perfect, I just clogged the toilet!
ChandlerLook, I want those basketball seats as much as you do! Ok? but we can't leave in the small apartment after we've lived here! Didn't you ever read Flowers for Algernon?
JoeyYes! Didn't you ever read Sports Illustrated?! No! I didn't read yours! But come on, we can go to the game tonight!
ChandlerLook, the only way I will even consider this is if they offer a lot more than just season seats.
JoeyBut it's the Knicks!
ChandlerScrew the Knicks!
ChandlerI didn't mean that. I just meant that the apartment is worth so much more.
ChandlerAnd the Knicks rule all.
JoeyYeah, the Knicks rule all!
PhoebeHey, so? Are we gonna do it?
ChandlerNo. No. We're not gonna do that, you know why? Because its not an even trade.
RachelAll right, ok, look, what if you could keep the apartment and get the tickets?
RachelLet me finish.
RachelI'm talking about a bet, winner takes all.
JoeyOoh, we could end up with nothing.
PhoebeOr you could end up with everything.
JoeyOoh, I like that.
MonicaAll right, so what do you say?
MonicaOh, just do it!!
ChandlerOp, op, I'm convinced!
JoeyCome on man, you know I'd do it for you! Because, you're my best friend.
ChandlerAll right, but you can't use that again for a whole year. I'm in.
JoeyAll right!
PhoebeOoh, this is so exciting! Ooh, God, what're you gonna bet?
RachelOh, ok, well, I think we should let Phoebe decide, because she's the only one who's impartial, and she's so pretty.
PhoebeOk. Umm, ooh, ooh...oh, I have a game!
PhoebeThis is great!
JoeyWhat's the game?! What's the game?!
PhoebeOh, well, it doesn't have a name...oh, ok, Phoebeball! No, it doesn't have a name. Umm, ok, Monica, what is your favorite thing about trees?
MonicaThey're green?
PhoebeGood! Good! Five points!
(They both rejoice; Chandler is totally confused.)
PhoebeAll right, Joey, same question.
(He looks to Chandler, who doesn't have a clue.)
JoeyOh! Uh, they're tall.
PhoebeOoh, three points. Both fine answers, but we were looking for leafy, leafy.
(Joey turns and is angry that Chandler didn't come up with the answer.)
MonicaThat's not even a game!
RachelWhat? Shut up! We're winning!
MonicaYou wanna finish this right now? All right, we get a deck of cards, high card wins. What do you say?
ChandlerFine, let's do it.
PhoebeOh, I have cards!
MonicaOh, good.
PhoebeYeah! Here! (She grabs a deck out of her purse) Oh no, these are the trick deck. Ok. Here yes. Ok.
ChandlerOk, you guys uh, you guys pick first.
MonicaOk. (She picks a card.) Four.
ChandlerThat's a low one!
JoeyYes! Uh. Ok. All right. (Joey picks a card.) Phoebe, you look, I can't do it.
PhoebeWhat make you think I can?! (Shields her eyes from it.)
JoeyOk. Ok. (He looks at the card.) Ace!
(Both Joey and Chandler and Monica and Rachel jump up and down for joy.)
ChandlerWhy are you screaming and hugging?
MonicaBecause we won our apartment back!
JoeyWhat? Ace is high! Jack, queen, king, ace!
MonicaNo! Ace is low! Ace, two, three, four!
(They all look to Phoebe to settle this.)
PhoebeI don't know. Ooh! Ooh! Look it! (She fans out the trick deck.) Hahh-ah!
RachelAll right, come on, let's pick again, pick again.
JoeyAll right, give me, give me here.
RachelCome on apartment! Come on apartment! (Picks a card.) Oh! I know queen is high!
JoeyUh-huh, not as high as- (Picks a card) It worked! King!
ChandlerYeah baby!
MonicaBut, we pick again! We pick again!
MonicaI don't know!
ChandlerTickets please! (Rachel hands over the tickets) That's courtside baby!
JoeySeriously, good game though. Good game. (He tries to congratulate them, but they pull away.) (To Chandler) What are they so mad about? They get the apartment back!
ChandlerNo they didn't! Ross's apartment, Emily has packed as Ross returns. RossHey!
EmilyI packed while you were gone. I left some knickers under your pillow.
Ross(Laughs) Move in with me.
RossDon't be scared, I-I know it sounds crazy and-and people will say it's too soon, but just-just think, think how great it would be.
EmilyOhh, no. Ugh. Oh, leaving London, my whole family lives there.
RossI know.
EmilyMy job!
RossWell, so, you-you'll get a job here! I mean, I'm always hearing about uh, them foreigners coming in and stealing American jobs; that could be you!
EmilyYeah, but it-it-it's my whole life...you come to England.
RossNo, I can't. I would, I really would, but my son is here; I can't leave him. Isn't...you don't think there's any way?
EmilyOhh, I don't think so. I mean it would be different if it was way into the future I'm I'm, and we were getting married or something.
EmilyOh no, no, right, eh, I shouldn't 've said married. Uh, please don't get freaky on me. I didn't mean it. Well, I didn't say it; I take it back!
RossNo, no, don't. Why don't we?
EmilyWhy don't we what?
RossGet married.
EmilyYou are mad!
RossNo! No! I'm not! It's-it's-it's perfect! I mean it's better than you just-just moving here, 'cause it's us together forever, and that's-that's what I want.
EmilyWe've only known each other for six weeks!
RossYeah, I know, so what? I mean, who's-who's to say? Does that me we-we can't do it? Look, huh, I was with Carol for four years before we got married and I wound up divorced from a pregnant lesbian. I mean, this, this makes sense for us. Come on! I mean, on our first date we ended up spending the whole weekend in Vermont! I mean, last night I got my ear pierced! Me! This feels right. Doesn't it?
EmilyMy parents are gonna be really mad.
RossIs that...are you saying yes? Is that yes?
(They kiss and hug.)
RossYes! We're getting, we're getting married?!
EmilyOh my God!
EmilyWe're getting married!
RossCome here, come here. Uh, (He takes the earring out.) ow! Emily, will you marry me?
(He tries to put it on her finger.)
EmilyOhh, it's a bit small.
RossDamn! I thought that was going to be romantic as hell!
EmilyIt was.
(They kiss.) The hallway, Joey and Chandler are coming back from the game. ChandlerThose were like the best seats ever.
JoeyOh yeah. Hey! Should we give these shirts to the girls? You know, kinda like a peace offering.
ChandlerOh yeah, that's very nice. Plus, You know they were free and they're too small.
(He knocks on the girls' door and walks in. Surprise! The girls, obviously using Star Trek technology, have completely moved everything in both apartments back to their original positions, all in the time it took for the guys to go to a basketball game. Wow! Anyhow, Chandler is stunned, and Joey doesn't even realize it.)
ChandlerOh. Oh, God! (He starts running around like a chicken with his head cut off.)
JoeyHey, you want a beer? (Hands him a beer and sits down in one of the chairs.) (Jumping up.) WHOA!!!!
ChandlerI KNOW!!!
(They both sprint to what used to be their apartment.)
ChandlerOpen up! Open up! Open up!
(A very angry Monica opens the door with the security chain still on.)
MonicaWe'll discuss it, in the morning! (Slams the door shut.)
ChandlerWhat the hell is going on?!
(It's Rachel's turn to open the door.)
RachelWe took our apartment back!! (Slams the door shut.)
Phoebe(Opening the door) I had nothing to do with it. (Closes the door.) (Opens the door.) Ok, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
(She goes to close the door, but Chandler puts his foot it in.) Oh! Oh!
ChandlerWe are switching back, right now!
MonicaNo, we're not! We're not leaving!
ChandlerWell, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
JoeyI don't know. I don't-
JoeyAw! I don't wanna move again!
ChandlerI don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole...you stole it...our apartment, we won that apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting it back right now!
(They open the door.)
RachelAll right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
ChandlerOh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
RachelLet us keep the apartment, and-
MonicaAs a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
[Time lapse. The guys are entering their apartment.]
ChandlerTotally worth it!
JoeyThat was one good minute!
ChandlerGood night.
JoeyGood night.
(They both go back into their old rooms and shut the doors. Of course, Chandler has to close both sections of his door.)
[Cut to the girls apartment.]
MonicaMen are such idiots.
RachelYeah! Can you believe that something that stupid actually got us our apartment back?
PhoebeThat's so funny to think if you'd 've just done that right after the last contest, no one would've had to move at all.
MonicaYeah, let-let-let's pretend that's not true.
PhoebeOk, scarf's done. (It's not really a scarf, it's just a bunch of yarn that Phoebe has tied together. Just then, Ross and Emily enter dragging with them Joey and Chandler.)
RossCome on! Come on. Come on.
MonicaWhat-what's going on?
JoeyRoss has some big thing to tell everyone.
RossUhh, uh-ha-ok, it's uh, Emily and I, we decided to uh, to get married.
(The gang is stunned.)
PhoebeWhat? Oh, are you pregnant too?!
EmilyUmm, no.
MonicaWhen, when did...how, how did you-
RossWe, we just decided to uh, to go for it.
EmilyI mean, we know it's a bit hasty but, uh, just feels so right, so-
(Rachel slowly walks in from her bedroom. She is stunned speechless.)
Ross(Turning around.) Umm, uh, I was just telling the guys-
RachelYeah, I-I heard. (Pause, everyone looks at each other, waiting for Rachel's reaction.) I think it's great! (Hugs Ross.) Ohh, I'm so happy for you!
(Seeing Rachel's apparently ok with this, the rest of the gang jumps up to congratulate Ross and Emily on their pending nuptials.)
ChandlerOh, well, that's great!
JoeyYeah! Yeah!
Monica(to Ross) I can't believe you're getting married!
RossYeah. (They hug again.)
JoeyMonica and Rachel made out. (Giggles like a schoolboy and Monica glares at him.) Joey's bedroom, he is awoken by the singing man. The Singing Man(Singing) Morning's here! The morning's here!
(Joey joins him.)
BothSunshine is here! The sky is clear, the morning's here!
The Singing ManHey! You're back!
JoeyHey! (Singing) Get into gear!
The Singing Man(Singing) Breakfast is near!
BothThe dark of night has disappeared!!
The Singing ManI'll see you tomorrow morning!
Joey(Happily) Ok!

Written by Wil Calhoun & Scott Silveri; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp