{best man - the man who helps the bridegroom at a wedding ceremony ↗maid of honor} Central Perk, the gang is there, Phoebe is returning from the bathroom. Phoebe(angrily) That's like the tenth time I've peed since I've been here!
MonicaThat's also like the tenth time you told us.
PhoebeYeah, oh I'm sorry, it must be really hard to hear! I'll tell you, it's a lot easier having three babies play Bring in 'da Noise, Bring in 'da Funk on your bladder! Oh, I am so tired of being pregnant! I can't sleep, except on my back which hurts! So I can't sleep! Ohh. The only happiness I get is from a cup of coffee, which of course is decaf, 'cause- Oh! I'm pregnant!
RossPheebs, did...you want a cookie?
Phoebe(Starting to cry) Thank you so much.
RachelSo uh, Pheebs, honey-honey, how are those mood swings coming?
PhoebeI haven't really had any yet.
(Monica, Joey, and Chandler all shake their heads.) Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler are there as Ross enters. RossHey guys!
RossAll right, here's the ring. (Shows Chandler the wedding ring he plans on giving Emily)
Chandler(shocked) Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
RossSo uh, any ideas for the bachelor party yet?
JoeyWhoa-whoa-whoa! Before you start handing out wedding rings and planning bachelor parties, don't you have to decide who your best man is gonna be?
ChandlerOh, it's awkward. It's awkward. It's awkward.
RossI sorta've already asked Chandler.
JoeyWhat?! He got to do it at your first wedding!
RossJoey, I-I figured you'd understand. I mean, I-I've known him a lot longer.
JoeyCome on Ross! Look, I-I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!
ChandlerYou can be the best man when I get married.
Joey(Pause) I'll never get to be a best man!
Ross(to Chandler) Wait-wait, so, you get to be my best man twice and I don't get to be yours at all?
ChandlerOh no-no, you- yeah, of course you can be my best man.
Joey(Impatiently tapping Chandler on the shoulder) What about me?! You-you just said I could!
ChandlerI'm not even getting married! Ok, this is a question for science fiction writers!
JoeyI can't believe you're not picking me.
RossHey, how could it not be me?!
ChandlerI'm not even... I'm not even...
RossFine, you know what, that's it. From now on, Joey, I want you to be my best man.
JoeyYes! (to Chandler) Shame about you though. Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are eating breakfast. Phoebe(to her babies) Stop it!
PhoebeOne of the babies is kicking.
MonicaI thought that was a good thing.
PhoebeIt's not kicking me, it's kicking one of the other babies. Oh (Looks down her dress)! Don't make me come in there!
Joey(Entering) Hey!
JoeyDo you guys have like a big bowl I can borrow?
MonicaYeah, there's one right under the cabinet.
Joey(Grabs it) Thanks.
MonicaWhy do you need it?
JoeyOh, we're having a big party tomorrow night. Later! (Starts for the door.)
RachelWhoa! Hey-hey, you planning on inviting us?
JoeyNooo, later. (Walks out the door.)
PhoebeHey!! Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!! (Joey walks back in, scared.)
MonicaWhat Phoebe meant to say was umm, how come you're having a party and we're not invited?
JoeyOh, it's Ross's bachelor party.
JoeyAre you bachelors?
JoeyAre you strippers?
JoeyThen you're not invited. (Starts for the door again.)
RachelAll right fine! You're not invited to uh the party we're gonna have either.
JoeyOh-whoa, what party?
RachelWell umm...
MonicaThe baby shower for Phoebe!
JoeyBaby shower. Wow! That sooo doesn't sounds like something I wanna do! Later! (Finally, he makes his exit.)
PhoebeI can't believe I'm gonna have a party! So great! (Really excited) A party! (Really, really excited) Yay!! (Suddenly, she starts crying and Rachel moves to comfort her.) I don't know why. Central Perk, Joey and Ross are talking over party plans. JoeyThis is what I've got going for the party so far, liquor-wise. Get a lot of liquor.
RossGreat. Great.
JoeyOk, now, uh, in terms of the invite list, Obviously I got you, me, and Chandler and I'm gonna invite Gunther because, well, we've been talking about this pretty loud.
GuntherI'll be there.
JoeyAll right- And, oh! Listen, I know this is your party, but I'd really like to limit the number of museum geeks that are gonna be there.
RossYeah. Tell you what, let's not invite any of the anthropologists, just the dinosaur dudes!
JoeyOk! We need a six-pack of Zima.
Chandler(Entering) Hey guys, what're you doing?
RossOh, just planning my bachelor party with my best man.
ChandlerYeah, well, good luck trying to top the last one.
RossYeah, see, I don't think it's gonna that difficult considering this one won't be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut.
ChandlerOh, I'm Ross. I'm Ross. I'm too good for the Hut; I'm too good for the Hut.
RossLook, I gotta go pick up Ben. Everything so far sounds great Joey, just remember to keep it on the mellow side, ok? Just a couple of guys hanging out playing poker, no-no strippers or anything ok?
JoeyYou got it.
RossOk, see you later.
ChandlerSee you. (Ross exits, and Chandler moves over next to Joey, laughing.) Have fun planning your mellow bachelor party.
JoeyWell, there's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers.
ChandlerHe just said, "No strippers."
JoeyOh, I chose not to hear that. Monica and Rachel's, Monica is returning from shopping and Rachel is there. MonicaLook what I got! Look what I got! Look what I got! (She shows Rachel what she bought. She bought a little leather jacket and a little cowboy outfit for the babies.) Can you believe they make these for little people?
RachelLittle village people.
MonicaOk, look at this one. This is my favorite. (It's a little pink and white dress for the girl baby.)
RachelOh, that is so sweet!
MonicaI know! Phoebe is gonna love dressing them in these!
RachelHuh. Except, Phoebe's not gonna be the one that gets to dress them.
MonicaBecause she's not going to get to keep the babies.
RachelOh my God! We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!
MonicaWait a minute! Unless, we give her all gifts she can use after she's done being pregnant. Like-like umm, like regular coffee, Tequila, a carton of cigarettes!
RachelWhat? She doesn't smoke.
MonicaIt's the thought that counts.
RachelOh, no, it's a great idea, it's a great. Oh, and somebody can get her those, those leather pants she's always wanted!
MonicaOh, she's gonna love that! Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe's baby shower, she is holding those leather pants, and isn't happy about it. PhoebeWhat the hell is this?! What, did you actually thought it would make me feel better to give me something I can't even use for another two months?! This sucks! Who gave me this?!
Jasmine(on the verge of crying) Well, I...I...They (points to Monica and Rachel) told me you liked them.
Phoebe(sarcastically) Oh, oh. All right, then I'm wrong! It's a great gift! The best present I ever got! OH! All right, what's my next present?!
AllI don't have anything. (All of the rest of the women there hide their gifts behind their backs.)
PhoebeAll right, fine, then this is over. (Gets up and kicks a present. Then heads to the bathroom where on the way she pulls down one of the ribbon strips laying across the room) God! (Then she starts hitting some balloons.) Balloons!! (Monica and Rachel are shocked to say the least.) Chandler and Joey's, Ross's bachelor party. Ross is thanking Joey for the party. RossHey listen man, about the stripper...
RossGood call!
JoeySo you know who to ask to host your next bachelor party? Huh?
RossJoey, I'm kind of hoping this will be my last one.
Chandler(Banging a spoon against his beer bottle) Ok, a little announcement, a little announcement. I've decided that my best man is, my best friend Gunther!
GuntherWhat's my last name?
ChandlerCentral Perk?
Gunther(to Ross) Thanks for not marrying Rachel. (He starts to leave.)
JoeyOh-whoa-wait, Gunther, don't-don't forget your shirt. (He gives Gunther his shirt and Gunther leaves.)
RossHey-hey, what are those?
JoeyOh, little party favors, check it out! (It's a shirt that reads, "Ross Geller, Bachelor Bash 1998")
RossWow! Yeah!
JoeyOh-oh! (Shows him what's on the back, "Best Man Joey Tribbiani, with a huge picture of him.)
Chandler(Banging on the bottle again) Ok, ok, a little announcement, I just want everybody know that the position of my best man is still open! And uh, (to the stripper) you know, so is the position of the bride.
The StripperGreat!
RossSmooth, man. Yeah, you got some chili on your neck. (Chandler checks and runs into the bathroom.) Well, I just want to say, thanks everyone, this-this was great, Ok? And hey! I'll see you guys Monday morning. (They museum geeks wave at him.) Thanks Joey.
JoeyOh, hey, don't forget your shirt.
RossOh, thanks! (Takes it and throws it back into the box and leaves.)
JoeyOk, hey, museum geeks, party's over. Ok. Wave bye-bye to the nice lady. There you go. Back to your parent's basement. All right. (The museum geeks exit and Joey unlocks his door and lets the chick and the duck out.) Come on boys, come on out! Here you go. All right.
The StripperOhhh, look at the little birdies! Are those yours?
The StripperWow, I didn't know they let you keep chickens and ducks as pets.
JoeyOh yeah-yeah. And I got the duck totally trained too. Watch this. Stare at the wall. (The duck complies.) Hardly move. (The duck complies.) Be white. (The duck complies.)
The StripperYou are really good at that. So uh, I had fun tonight, you throw one hell of a party.
JoeyOh thanks. Thanks. Yeah, it was great meeting you. And listen, if any of my friends ever get married, or.. you know, have a birthday, or a Tuesday...
The StripperEh, that would be great. So I guess umm, good night.
JoeyOh unless you uh, you wanna hang around.
The StripperYeah?
JoeyYeah. I'll let you play with my duck. Joey's bedroom, it's the middle of the night, he's waking up and discovers he's alone in bed. JoeyHey, (Realizes he doesn't know her name.) stripper! (He notices that the ring box is open, so he picks it up, sees it's empty and starts to panic. He runs out of his room and starts banging on Chandler's door) The stripper stole the ring!! The stripper stole the ring!! Chandler, get up! Get up! The stripper stole the ring!
Chandler(Opening the door) What?
JoeyThe ring is gone!
ChandlerUgh. Ok, this's like, give me, a minute to wake up for this- Ah-ha-ha!! You lost the ring! You're the worst best man, ever!
JoeyDude, this isn't funny! What am I gonna do?! I go to sleep last night, everything's cool! I wake up this morning, the stripper's gone and the ring, is gone!
ChandlerYou slept with the stripper?
JoeyOf course!! (Shrugs.) Central Perk, Phoebe is entering, Monica and Rachel are talking on the couch. PhoebeHi, guys.
RachelHi! Phoebe. (Both Monica and her try to move out of Phoebe's way.)
MonicaHi Phoebe.
PhoebeI-I wanted to apologize if I - you know seemed a tad edgy yesterday at my shower. You know, it's just the hormones, you know.
RachelNo we...
Rachel...hormones, yeah.
PhoebeAnyway, I just wanted to say thank you, it was just, it was so sweet. (She goes to hug them and they both flinch, thinking that Phoebe is about to attack them.)
MonicaWow, you seem to be doing so much better. That's great. So how-how are things going?
PhoebeGood. you know-no-no, but-ok, it's-it feels like everything's been about me lately, so what's happening with you?
RachelOh, well, actually we were just talking about me not going to Ross's wedding.
RachelIt just might be too hard, given the history and all that...
PhoebeWow! This reminds me of the time when I was umm, living on the street and this guy offered to buy me food if I slept with him.
RachelWell, h-how is this like that?
PhoebeWell, let's see, it's not. Really, like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like you know a bunch of you know high school crap that nobody really gives you know...
Rachel(Starting to cry) I'm-I'm sorry, I guess I just thought that...
PhoebeAlright, here come the water works. (Rachel starts crying harder.) Chandler and Joey's, Joey is trying to figure out what to do. JoeyUgh! I don't know what I'm gonna do! I called the company that sent her and th-they don't care! Then I called 9-1-1 and they yelld at me, if this isn't an emergency, then what is?
ChandlerI'll tell you, Joe. I really wanna help you out but I got plans to go see Titanic so I've gotta call 9-1-1 to find out what time it starts! (Joey looks like he is going to yell at Chandler.)
Ross(Entering) Hey guys!
RossI just wanted to thank you again for last night, what a great party! And the guys from work had a blast. You know one of them had never been to a bachelor party before? Yeah! And-and another one had never been to a party before, so...
JoeySo uh, hey, that uh, that wedding ring, huh? Man, that is nice!
RossYeah, right!
JoeyI was uh, I was thinking I might pick one of those babies up for myself, I might wanna get one of those...
RossThat ring? When my grandmother first came to this country, that ring and the clothes on her back were all she had with her.
ChandlerSo you might say, that the ring is irreplaceable? (Gives Joey a little squeeze.)
RossOh absolutely! It's been in my family for generations, and every bride who's worn it has lived a long and happy life.
ChandlerSo you might say, it's a magic ring.
Joey(Laughs, softly) Yeah, the stripper stole it.
RossWhat-what did you just-
ChandlerI think I heard what he said. I believe it was, oh yes, "The stripper stole the ring."
RossMy-my ring? My-my wedding ring? The-the stripper stole my wedding ring?! How-how?! How could this happen?!
ChandlerWell, I think it all started when you said, "Hey Joey, why don't you be my best man."
Ross(Dialling the phone) All right-all right, fine! I-I'm gonna call the cops!
JoeyDude, I-I screwed up, you don't have to turn me in!
RossNot on you! On the stripper!
JoeyOh, yeah, well I-I already did that! They said they're gonna look into it right after they solved all the murders.
RossOk, well, then we-we'll call the company that sent her!
JoeyI did that too! They wouldn't give me her real name or her number. They said, "If I bothered them again they'd call the police." I said, "If you talk to the police, you tell them I'm missing a ring!"
RossSo what, Joey? Wh-wh-what? What are you telling me? That there's nothing we can do? Well, how could this happen?!
JoeyLook Ross, I am so-so sorry. I-I-I...
ChandlerWell, what if we just ah, called her, used a fake name, and had her come to my office?
JoeyOh, that sounds like fun, but we got a ring to find!! Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are cautiously serving Phoebe some tea. MonicaHere's your tea Phoebe. (They give it to her and quickly take a step back.)
Phoebe(Sips it) It's so good. (Monica and Rachel breath a sigh of relief.) Oh, thanks.
MonicaI'm so glad you liked it.
Phoebe(Sets the cup down) Oh! (Grabs her stomach in pain.)
RachelWhat?! She made the tea! (Points to Monica.)
PhoebeOh! No, I-I think I just had a contraction.
RachelYou what?
MonicaOh my God!
PhoebeYeah, I thought I felt one a couple of minutes ago, and now I know that definitely was one.
MonicaOh, wait-wait-wait, you-you can't have the baby here! I mean I haven't sterilized the apartment since the guys moved out!
RachelOk. It's ok. We're gonna be ok. What-you know what? It's ok. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets!
PhoebeNo. It's all right; it's probably false labor. They said that that could happen near the end, so just, somebody get the book.
MonicaRachel, get the book! The book!
RachelOk! (Runs and grabs a book and hands it to Monica.) Ok! Here!
MonicaThe Bible?!
RachelI don't know! Chandler's office, the guys are there waiting to ambush the stripper. JoeyAll right, ok, ok, this is great, uh, Chandler, you get behind the desk. And-and when she comes in, hopefully, she won't recognize you because, well, why would she? Uh, ok, and then you buzz Ross and I. (to Ross) You be uh, Mr. Gonzalez, and I'll be uh, Mr. Wong.
(There's a knock on the door.)
The StripperAnybody call for security?
Chandler(to Ross) You be cool. (He opens the door and lets her in as they all turn there backs on her.)
The StripperOk, which one of you guys is Gunther Central-Perk? (Sees Joey.) Hey, Joey?
RossWhere's my ring? My dead grandmother's wedding ring? Where is it? Where is it?
ChandlerWay to be cool, man.
The StripperHey what's he talking about?
JoeyThere was a ring, in a box, on my nightstand, after you left, it was gone!
The StripperYou guys think I stole some ring?
The GuysYeah!
RossWe know you took it so just-just save yourself the time and confess!
The StripperOk, who are you? The Hardy boys? (Joey looks at Ross and smiles.) Look, I don't need to steal some stupid ring, all right? I make $1,600 a week doing what I do; any of you guys make that?
ChandlerMarry me. (Both Ross and Chandler hit him.) Chandler and Joey's, the guys are now trying to figure out what next to do, since their plan with the stripper backfired on them. JoeyI don't get it! It was in my room all night! If she didn't take it, and I didn't take it; and you (Points at Chandler) didn't take it, then who did? (The duck quacks.) Shh! We're trying to think! (Ross and Chandler realize it at the same moment and stare at Joey, who doesn't get it. After a short pause, with the duck still quacking, Joey figures it out and starts pointing at the duck.)
Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is recovering from her false labor. RachelI still don't get how you know when it's false labor.
PhoebeWell, do you see any babies?
MonicaHow do you feel?
PhoebeOk, I guess. I mean... I don't know, it's just, I guess I just, I know it's gonna be over soon. So-
RachelBut, isn't that a good thing? I mean, you said you were sick of this.
PhoebeI know. It's just you know usually when you're, when you're done with the pregnant thing, and-and you know, you know you get to do the mom thing. I'm gonna be, you know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking tequila.
MonicaSome moms do that.
PhoebeOk that's even sadder. Look, I-I know, I know what I got myself into, you know, it's just that now that they're in me it's like, it's like I know them you know, and-and, it's just, it's not gonna be easy when you know, these little babies have to go away.
MonicaAww, I know, sweetie, but it's not like you're not gonna have anything. I mean you're gonna have nieces and nephews, and someways that's even better.
PhoebeYeah, ok.
RachelNo, really. Really, Pheebs, I mean, you-you're not gonna be the one worrying about saving for college, or yelling at them when they're bad, you know, or deciding to put them on Ritalin when they just won't calm down. you know?
MonicaI mean you're gonna be the one that they come to when they wanna run away from home, and the one they talk to about sex.
RachelAnd you just get to be cool Aunt Phoebe!
PhoebeCool Aunt Phoebe. I am pretty cool!
RachelYeah. And you know what else, oh my God, are they gonna love you.
PhoebeThey are gonna love me.
PhoebeThanks you guys! Again.
MonicaOh, sweetie! (They all hug.)
PhoebeThanks. Oh!
Monica and RachelWhat?! Oh, God.
PhoebeJust kidding. (Laughs) Ahh!
MonicaOh my God!
PhoebeOh Gotcha again, you are so easy. The Animal Hospital, the guys have taken the duck in to remove the ring. Joey is pacing around like an expectant father. JoeyIf anything should happen to him...
RossJoey! The vet said it's a simple procedure.
JoeySo?! Things could go wrong! You don't know! Wh-what if he doesn't make it?!
ChandlerHe will, Joe.
JoeyYeah, but what if he doesn't? He's such a good duck.
(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys' memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it's Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls' apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then it's Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls' apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubbyhole in the entertainment center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it's concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping it's wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)
JoeyI'm so worried about him, you know?
The Doctor(Coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?
RossOh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double take realizing where it's been.)
JoeyH-h-h-how's the duck?
The DoctorHe's doing just fine, he's resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.
JoeyOhh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this.
RossNo, that's all right.
JoeyNo, it's not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!
ChandlerHey, come on, it's not your fault.
JoeyYeah, it is! You wouldn't 've lost the ring, right? you know what, Ross you were right from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man.
ChandlerNo, you should.
JoeyLook, don't argue with me...
RossHey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man. I want both you guys.
RossHey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my... I mean, I'm lucky to have just one good... (They all start getting emotional.)
ChandlerThan-thanks man.
Joey(Starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can't see him cry.)
ChandlerWhat a baby.
RossTotal wuss!
(They both turn and wipe their eyes.) Central Perk. Monica and Ross are at the counter getting some coffee. Monica(Looks over to see Emily putting on her grandmother's wedding ring) Hey, how come you're getting nana's ring?
RossOh, mom gave it to me. She said something about it being a wedding ring and that you may not need....one. (Realizing) I really didn't need to tell you all that.
MonicaYou- I don't really think it's fair. I mean, I've always loved that ring.
RossOh, Mon, I'm sorry. I'd let you have it but-but Emily's gotten really attached to it. (Gunther hands him his coffee.) Thanks.
(Monica walks over to the couch.)
Monica(Hands Emily her coffee.) Here you go.
MonicaHey, Emily, umm, did you know that that ring spent two days in a duck's colon? (Emily looks grossly at the ring and then at Ross.)

Teleplay by Michael Curtis; Story by Seth Kurland; Transcribed by Eric Aasen; Added footage text by Matthew G; Annotated by ncp